Well, it's been awhile

My friend Melzie made the kindest post on my wall about missing my blogs and has been giving me a gentle nudge to post.

I have sat down a few times to post, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm trying today and on a day when my heart is so broken all I can write is .....

Love rejoices with the truth.

She'd trade Colorado if he'd take her with him
Closes the door before the winter lets the cold in,
And wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay,
She's answered by the tail lights
Shining through the window pane

He said I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better

Can I call you then

She said you're ramblin' man
You ain't ever gonna change
You gotta gypsy soul to blame
And you were born for leavin'


Happy Thanksgiving.

Love,

Me

Can't get the video to load, but if you wanna lookie loo Copy n paste

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vIzbK29Etw

Tornadoes and Rainbows

Last night my dream was so vivid. It was storming outside and I was in my old house on Tallow Lane.

Tornadoes were coming all around me. I wasn't scared, but I wanted to take pictures. I ran outside with my camera and I slipped and fell in a huge mud puddle. I was trying to get up without getting mud on my camera.

I look through the lens and I see two tornadoes swirling about. I remember feeling apprehensive, but not scared.

All the sudde two huge rainbows appear and dominate the two tornadoes. I took hundreds and hundreds of pics and I couldn't get enough of the beauty of the rainbows. Breathtaking beauty in the midst of a storm.

When I woke up, I smiled because rainbows are God's promises. I saw two.... Backs up with scripture.

For your shame ye shall have double; and for confusion they shall rejoice in their portion: therefore in their land they shall possess the double: everlasting joy shall be unto them. Isaiah 61:7 KJV

I have been going through quite a storm lately and I am ready to receive my blessings.

Trying so hard to surround myself with positive people. Even at the cost of losing people who claimed to be my friend because I was trying to change my life.

Trying to look for the positives in the people in my life.

I am so ready for my blessings, so ready to receive good that is coming my way.

God rocks =D

Love,

Me

It's Saturday the 14th

Mel, my more interesting life comes from getting a couple of paid wedding photography gigs and that aspect of my life is opening up a whole lot.

I'm excited and scared.

Need more practice as with anything.

It's Saturday.

Yee haw

love,

me

My life

is about to get more interesting I think =)



=)




Love,

Me

I can

do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phillipians 4:13

I faked it, til I felt it.

I can't tell you when I'm at the gym, wondering what am I doing there, how many times I say this.

Today, when my legs felt like they could push no more and I wanted to quit. I tell God, "I can't do this"

I hear His voice in my head "Don't you dare quit, say it again."

I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me

I have struggled for awhile to find the positive side to my recent illness. Slowly, it's coming to light. I really am nothing and can do nothing without Christ.

I thought about that a lot when I was sick and laying in bed... how come I am a believer stuck in this bed and there are tons of bad people out there who don't believe and can at least work and get out of bed.

Like a bad record playing over and over again.

I'm not really sure that I have fully figured it out, but I know for myself that God needed to remind me that I am nothing without Him.

I watched a show yesterday and she talked about how God works through others to bless each of us. I am so blessed.

I may not have the biggest house in the world or have the fanciest of things, but I'm not unhappy. I am really blessed. I think about the hottest days we have ever had here and think how lucky I am because I got to sit in an air conditioned house.

That crosses my mind a lot lately. I have 2 pairs of shoes and in many parts of the world, they don't even have one.

I am very thankful for everything I have. I am very thankful for everything I am given and the people who give it to me.

I go without nothing. God truly takes care of me.

I get this Christian thing wrong a lot, but I am so in love with Jesus.

I talk to him every single night. He waits for me under our tree.

My heart just fills with love and flutters at the very thought of him.

Speaking of things I don't have to go without, I never have to go without him.

I can't relate to God on the scale that I can Jesus. I love God very much and think of Him as my father. I guess that's why He sent Jesus, to relate to us.

I am growing so much, I am learning I don't have to be a doormat, I'm learning that I don't have to be around people and things that make me uncomfortable.

I am learning to say no. I'm learning I can live without the things and people I never thought I could.

I guess I'm growing up.

It's late, I need to sleep. Was up pondering Jesus and how broken I am and how much he loves me anyway.

And how much I deeply love him.

=D

Nite.

Love,

Me

Gym Time

I am slowly easing my way back into the gym. Yesterday I was able to do spin class again, the first time after almost a year.

I was beaming with happiness.

This morning I went back and was able to go 50 calories and 5 minutes further than yesterday.

It's frustrating to not be able to do the things I used to, but in the same aspect, I appreciate the fact that I am just able to do something.

Going from being able to do nothing when I was sick, to just working out....It's amazing.

If I come to a point where I don't think I can do anymore, I just remember that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I do it in His strength, not my own.

I can't wait til I can go all out. I can't wait to see my clothes getting bigger.

I can't wait to go and buy me new work out shoes.

Hope, that lies within Christ.

Hope, where I had none.

I look back and think about how hopeless I was....So sad.

I hope I never get to that point again.

Heading to the pool for the day =D

God is good.

Love,

Me

YAY Summer

Really enjoying my summer. I can't remember the last time I was so happy. I'm out of the house all day, in the pool almost every day.

It's nice. I'm around people I love and people that are fun =)

Have been thinking lately about things I want and things I want to do with my life. God has put some dreams on my heart and pushing me a little bit to go after them.

I can't have the dreams I want, where I'm at right now.

I know wonderful things are on the other side of change, but I don't change much.

One thing God is doing is revealing what liars some people in my life are. I was so blind to that before, and He really has shown me. I wasn't shocked, just blind to it.

Now I laugh at the lies they tell.

I don't need/want people like that in my life.

I deserve so much better than I allow myself to have. I'm smart, I'm beautiful, funny, creative and have a really good heart.

I heard the other day someone who is supposed to love me called me a bitch. Of course not to my face. It would take courage to do that. Of course they get sympathy for everyone thinking they have to put up with such a tyrant.

I processed this for a few minutes and people only say that who don't know me. I think about the frustration in my life, think of the lies and garbage and being shoved behind everyone else. I think of the way I'm not appreciated for who I am and I think anyone, who puts up with what I do and doesn't kick a few of these people to the curb....isn't a bitch. She's a frustrated woman who's filled with anger and hurt. She couldn't be a bitch if all these people are still in her life.


One step closer today.

I'm worth it.

Love,

Me

The Prodigal Daughter Returned

I went to bed fairly late and woke up early. I'm not sure what came over me, but for the first time since September, I wanted to go to church.

I sat there coming up w/ a million reasons that I could not go and every reason that came up, I was one step closer to going. I found myself in the shower, getting ready, clothes on, out the door and driving. Even on the way I had a million reasons I shouldn't go, but I ended up there.

I honestly don't know how I got there or what possessed me to go, but I was sure God wanted me to take something away from what He was trying to say. There was a message I needed.

The sermon today was on Joseph and what his family had done to him and how God took what others meant for harm and used it for good.

As I fidgeted and listened, I was trying to process what all this had to do with me. Daniel spoke of abuse, emotional problems, financial problems and how you can help people through your bad experiences and how it is used to grow you and mature you.

I mulled it all over and it's starting to come out. I have been abused, almost my whole entire life one way or another. Daniel said that he isn't sure why people suffer, but it does bring people closer to God.

I notice that when I am happy and care-free, I don't pay much attention to God, but if my heart is broken, I cry out for Him over and over.

On the last part of the sermon Daniel spoke about unforgiveness. He actually dug out the scripture I have studied this week. Romans 12:17, Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.

*This* is where I am having my biggest struggle. Daniel hit it right on the head, I am playing God. I used to be so passive and let everyone get away with everything. I have taken a stance that God isn't doing anything at all to these people who hurt me, so I will treat them exactly like they have treated me. I have held back no punches either. I have said things that I don't like myself for, I have lied to someone who has continuosly lied to me. I played head games with people who play them with me. With a lot of people in the past month I have done this.

I got so tired of everyone getting away with how they treat others (me) and they always have a happy care free life and always get good things.

This is a huge struggle with me, because I don't know if I can not do it. I'm so sick of some people that are in my life that it's hard to even talk to them. I have ended ties this week with some people who drain me emotionally. I apologized for the way I acted, but I had to bow out.

I Just don't know how to overcome this struggle. I don't like being mean, but I feel that they deserve it. I'm just tired and I guess the real answer is the one God has been giving me all along. The one I don't listen to, the one I ignore.

The one I pray about and just pretend I didn't hear the answer.

I really did need to hear that this morning. I need to work on my forgiveness and stop repaying evil for evil. It has gotten me nowhere.

Love,

Me

For the first time, in a long time

I'm happy =)

I casted my cares and they were erased.

I could not have received a better gift ever.

Joy in my heart, excitement in my life.

Love for God.

Love for really good friends.

Jesus under our tree.

Losing weight.

Did I mention my cares were erased???

My chains are broken and I am set free.

Psalm 107: 14-15 . “He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, And broke their chains in pieces. Oh, that men would give thanks to the LORD for His goodness, And for His wonderful works to the children of men!”

My chains are broken and I am set free.

My chains are broken and I am set free.

My chains are broken and I am set free.

My chains are broken and I am set free.

Thank you GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

=)

In case you didn't hear............My chains are broken and I am set free.

Love,

Me

My Shoes

My mom has a thing for other peoples shoes. I thought it was weird til recently.

I have my magenta addidas running shoes. I absolutely love these shoes. I remember the day I got them, I remember falling in love with them.

I was walking the other day, my shoes are worn out. They are looking dirty, the heels are wearing out and the shock absorber in them is shot. I thought briefly about getting new shoes, but I don't know that I can.

I think about those shoes in terms of who I used to be. When I got those shoes, I was someone that I liked. They walked the floor of the job I loved, the pedaled the bike of the spin class I love, I lost lots of weight in those shoes.

They seem to be the only constant thing that attaches me to a past that I miss.

Is this how people start hoarding?

I accomplished so much in those shoes.

I feel like if I get rid of them and bury them in a closet somewhere that I will forget that for a short time I was someone that I loved.

Kyle used to always be insecure over Vick. Our marriage had many fights over Vick. I always missed the days I was with Vick, but I didn't miss Vick at all. I missed who *I* was, when I was with him. I was young, extemely thin, beautiful.

Vick was like the shoes. By letting him go, I was letting go of a past where I liked myself.

Tears actually come to my eyes as I think of my shoes. When I think of who I was in them. Somehow feeling I am letting them down, that they only get to meet the floor of the supermarket or the hot pavement.

500 spin classes are probably in those shoes. Every day, sometimes twice a day for a year. Hundreds of miles on the AMT trainers in those shoes. Sit ups, strength training. Everything in those shoes.

At least I have more hope than ever now that I will get back there. Giving myself a lot of slack for getting sick and gaining some weight.

Mulling over the new shoes and thinking maybe I should just go ahead and get the shoes because it is a new start.

My walks with God lately are awesome. He gives me strength and power I never knew I had.

I love Him.

Nite, nite bloggety bloggers

Me

I need to cry

In the worst way, but I cannot. Trying to find things to make me cry and nothing works. I'm just pissed, frustrated, pissed, frustrated.

I just want to freaking cry and cannot.

=(

love,

Me

Misery

mis·er·y (mz-r)
n. pl. mis·er·ies
1.
a. The state of suffering and want as a result of physical circumstances or extreme poverty.
b. Mental or emotional unhappiness or distress: "Our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions, and not on our circumstances" (Martha Washington).
2. A cause or source of suffering.
3. Informal A physical ache or ailment.

That's me. You can cut out misery and paste my name right there. I go on every day pretending that I am happy and trying to put up a front, but I'm am so f'in miserable inside it is pathetic.

I can't shake it like I normally do and to add insult to injury I cannot freaking cry. I have to resort to watching severely sad movies to cry.

I do not like my life. I love my kids, my family and my sweet grandbaby. That's it. My heart inside feels so awful. I'm physically sick over how bad I feel. How sad.

I have tried to pray this week and it doesn't come. I love God, but I just can't get past this funk. It gets worse and worse and worse.

Admitting to myself that I made a huge mistake is hard and reality creeps in...slowly.

Seeing it in writing doesn't make it any easier to bear. I made a HUGE mistake.

I took a risk and it slapped me in my face sooooooooooooooo hard that good grief. I hate saying how wrong I was. I hate having to accept how wrong I was. I sit here suffering because I was wrong. I didn't think of myself as prideful, but I am. I can't wait til I fully accept this and just move on.

I can't even open up here.

I'm just miserable.

=(

I don't know what to do =(

Love,

Me

=)

This is my new, sweet, precious grandbaby =) I LOVE him =)

Sitting here waiting on the bug man and had some free time, so I decided to show off my first grandchild!

I had mixed feelings through out the pregnancy and wasn't sure how I would feel once I saw him. All I could feel is absolute love. He's so precious and new. Not yet broken by the world and ugly people.

Fresh.

God is so good. So good. Giving me patience to deal wtih prideful people, giving me a beautiful grandson. Giving me the ability to forgive as He forgives me.


Baby comes home and I can't wait!!!

God is soooooooooooo good!!

Love,

Me

I danced today

Not sure what happened over the past few days, but I had a lot of joy in my heart and today dizzy or not I danced.


I felt God's presence so much lately and that tells me, maybe, just maybe I'm doing something right.


I am really enjoying therapy at the Center. The therapist is helping me take things apart. I always look at the big picture of everything and I get frustrated. So, she has me taking things apart into a smaller step. Setting small goals that eventually lead up to the much bigger picture.


We talked about things I like, things I don't like. I really don't know what I like, but she said my face lit up when I talked of photography. I do, do, DO Love it. So, I told her I had no money to start up a business and my camera works half of the time and the buttons stick. Just all negative and she told me the first thing I can do is pick out the camera I want. Start there, that goal. I've met it. Then she told me to save a little each week til I have enough to buy the camera I want. While I am saving, study online about how to use the camera, different techniques. What lenses I want etc.


Elmer told me he picked out the exact camera that I picked out to buy me for my birthday. I am shocked, beyond shocked at that. I'm not sure how to act with someone being that generous. Overwhelmed I think is the word.


So......Why on earth didn't I think about this stuff before. About setting small goals. I mean, I can do that with anything.


It's something I am good at. It's something I enjoy.


I had a dream the other night and wow............talk about getting "it".


I dreamed that I was in serious trouble. I mean someone was coming to kill me. I was in china or somewhere. This guy would take a sword and would cut me to torture me and I could feel it in my dream. He told me he had planned to kill me, but they were going to do it very slowly.


I remember how scared I was. Beyond terrified.


There was this guy in the dream, he was the big head honcho king and he loved me. He was oriental and the way he would look at me, overwhelming feelings of loved poured through my body.


I had no doubts what so ever that this man loved me. He told me he had to make sure he planned a route out for me and had to go work on it, but help would soon be back. He sent his brother there to barter with the guy. His life for mine. I didn't want to leave because I didn't think it was fair that this guy would just die for me or that the king loved me so much that he would let his own brother die for me.


I ran away crying and crying because I was so sad his brother had to die. I was running in the woods along these paths and came to these stairs. There were bathtubs on each turn to the next floor and each one had an oriental man in them taking a bath. I climbed up all these stairs and went running out the door. The king was there in an icecream truck waiting for me.


I said "You came back for me" and he said " I made the way safe for you, lets go."


I woke up at that moment and told Elmer about the dream. It was so weird. Especially the feelings of love I got.


I hung up w/ Elmer and laid there thinking about the dream. Who would love me so much that they would let their brother die for me? Who could ever love someone that much.


Then I realized.........My Papa. God. Not His brother. His son. He would let him die because He loves me that much.


I got the Gospel in Chinese.


I felt loved. I'm thankful for that dream because I needed a reminder. I needed to feel it. I needed to see it and live it, in terms I can relate to.


He loves me that much.


I love Him too =)


Crying now as I think about God and how much I love Him.


I'm not so far gone out of the loop that I can't appreciate all the good around me.


I love Him.


Love,


Me

Answered Prayers

I have been thinking all morning about prayers. How for a long, long time I prayed for something. God answered the prayer and I'm sitting here sad, because it's not at all what I wanted.

I don't know why He did that. Unless it was to show me the reality of things.

I was doing so well. So well..... I can't blame anyone but myself.

I need to be careful about what I pray for. I feel sick to my stomach.

Last year, I never thought I'd end up here. I have been in a spiritual plateau for awhile. Taking what I can get, when I can get it.

I'm really disappointed with myself lately. I read my prayer journal the other day and saw all the prayers and saw my pain. I made the prayers while in the pain, when in reality I think things were supposed to be the way they were.

I didn't take God at His word and thought *I* knew better. Now, I'm stuck in a place I don't want to be.

I need to pray for God to fix it.

Father really does know best.

I'm an idiot.

Love,

Me

Hello!

Figured I'd sit down and write a wee lil bit.

Things have gotten a bit better lately. In this whole process, I have changed quite a bit. Getting really tired of situations and I just have no want to even fix them.

Seeing a specialist to help me cope w/ PTSD along w/ my regular counselor. I like her a lot and she knows what she's talking about. We talked for awhile and she spoke a whole lot of truth to me about my life, current situations, past situations and future situations.

I have to change the past(my reaction to it), to change my future.

She said a lot of people are like me and afraid to change anything because they are afraid of that change. Afraid of consequences of that change. But, she made a lot of sense that change is necessary and change is good. By changing some of my current situations that really are no good, I can open doors for new and better things to come along.

I really enjoy talking with her.

All I want is to be happy and hopefully after working w/ her and a few others I'll get the tools to use to make better decisions and get out of situations I'm not happy in. There are quite a few in my life and I do have power to change them.

Just need to find it.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Easter.

He has risen =D

Love,

Me

I'll Fly Away

I listened to that song a few times today.

Some glad morning when this life is o'er,
I'll fly away;
To a home on God's celestial shore,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

Chorus
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

When the shadows of this life have gone,
I'll fly away;
Like a bird from prison bars has flown,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away)

Chorus
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away;
To a land where joy shall never end,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away)

Chorus
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

I can't wait to fly away from here. I want out so bad and God has stripped me of everything and is forcing me to deal with everything right at this moment.

Like a volcano I was being pressed and pressed to unload everything I hold inside. I was/am angry at ever being put in the position to do so. I'm angry at the response I got, I'm angry at the treatment I am getting.

I have been in bed for almost a full 7 days now. I get up and shower, I did take my daughter to school. I just lay in bed. Sometimes watching TV sometimes not.

My heart is broken into a million pieces and there is a storm going on all around me and I'm in such a numb emotional state I don't know what to do.

I thought about going to a hospital a few times, but for what? They don't see you for non stop crying. I've been embarrassed and humiliated enough, I don't need anymore.

I looked in the mirror for the first time in awhile today. I recognize the blue eyes, but the over all sadness that has invaded me like a virus from hell, I don't know.

Meet w/ my counselor on Monday, then a new counselor on Wednesday. I don't want to go to either, because frankly I'm tired of talking about it.

Beeing dealing w/ this crap for 9 years now and I don't want to talk about it anymore.

I'm tired and I'm alone in the most difficult time in my life.

I am running behind Jesus holding on to the very, very, very thread of his robe....Having faith, weak faith, but faith none the less and knowing that since He brought me to it He will bring me through it.

I am ready for my crown of beauty for my ashes.

I'm ready to fly away.

Trade my iron shackles in for freedom.

I want to go home.

Love,

Me

Finally, a break through!

God has been calling me back slowly and surely. At first I was resisting in my anger at Him and who knows what else.

I started slowly a few weeks ago, listening to some of my shows and CDs again. Last week, I opened my bible study and did it. Reciting scripture to myself when I'm anxious or sad.

I haven't had a word from God in so long. This morning I was in my car and I was crying having a really bad morning. I plugged in my Ipod and turned on my favorite song I hadn't listened to in months "May your power rest on me"

Tears flowed down my face, not from sadness, but because I FELT God again. It washed over me and my heart was at instant peace. I wish I could explain those moments, but I can't. I just know the Holy Spirit was on me and my tears were wiped away.

Last night we were watching a show and there was a part where they were worshipping and I can't tell you how beautiful that is to me. Seeing someone get saved. Watching God take the blinders off someone. There's nothing more beautiful in life.

I was on my way to the therapist and thought it was going to be a big crying session. I walked in and he said "Well, look who's back to their old self" I couldn't stop smiling and the joy was back in my heart.

One thing I have learned in this time is how much I miss God. He's so fantastic and I have learned so much about His grace in this time.

I have leaned on His grace and I have been such a bone head.

I am so in love with God. I know I'm not back where I should be, but man do I love Him.

I felt in my heart today and was reassured by Him, "Everythings gonna be alright!"

Man, I missed Him.

Love,

Me

Ah, A new month!

It's March, my winter depression should be coming to a close. Thank God!!

I hit my rock bottom last week, had to be honest w/ my therapist about what I was doing. What I almost did. It was very hard and I was ashamed of myself.

I woke up at that point I believe. I had lost all hope in my life. It seemed there was no way out of anything, but to go through it and...well... I didn't want to go through it.

He gave me a lot of hope yesterday. But most of all, I got a lot of hope from Jesus. Seeing my sweet Saviors face when he was carrying the cross. Knowing that I won't be punished for the things I have done, knowing that those things have their own consequences. A lot which I am facing right now.

I did my sleep study and lately I just can't sleep. I am not even sure if they were able to get any readings because I'm not sure I slept deep enough. Lately, it seems as if I don't.

I have a few friends and we have been discussing things ALL day long. All of us together, back, forth, back, forth.....Just chatting the day away.

I absolutely love those girls. They have kept me sane this past few weeks when things have been so hard.

Wish we all lived closer.

Opie is feeling a lot better, finally off the steroids that made him act so wonky.

Off to go walking and spend some much needed time with God. I don't know what I did, but I sure messed things up good w/ Him. But, that's why there's Jesus....I'm forgiven.

Love to all.

Me

Dinner for one

I'm down in the dumps. I got dizzy at the dentist, then at the store.

I cried all the way home and now sit crying.

I fought this thing for almost 7 months now and I have no fight left in me.

None.

I don't know what's going on, I don't know why it's happening. I have been trying to get closer with God and just to let Him fix it. I keep hanging on knowing He WILL fix it.

Was so sad over the weekend. Was alone. I wish I had someone to sit at my table with me and eat dinner. It was nice when Elmer was here, because he always sat with me and ate at the table with me.

I fought Kyle for a year to not feed Savannah dinner before she came over. I would cook all these things and she would always have eaten at his moms. I begged, pleaded, but it never changed anything.

I wish he knew how it felt to just want to sit down and eat with someone and have it taken from you. Everything, even simple things like having dinner with your daughter is a fight.

My weight is a fight. Being alone is a fight. Dizziness is a fight. Even trying to talk to my dad was a fight. Video games where I used to escape anymore is a fight and arguing. I want peace somewhere and there's not any.

There's just more fighting at every single turn. It's slowly killing me. I literally just want to lay in bed anymore and do nothing because it's the only place I'm not dizzy.

I gave up on my dreams. Someone over the weekend told me I wasn't a hairdresser...I haven't been for awhile. I remember when I was a really good hairdresser. I had clients out the wazoo. I loved my job, I was good at it. I was artistic and amazing at it. A disability took it away. It took everything away. Just like dizziness took away the gym.

The thief comes only to kill steal and destroy. Well dizziness and anxiety are theives.

They say what others have taken, God can give you back. Why doesn't God give me back double for my trouble? Why do I still suffer?

Me n Elmer are watching Friday Night Fights and there's a boy on there who had a whole football career. He was a football player, but his back got broken, he became paralyzed and now he will never play football again.

Does that make him any less of a football player? Or now is he nothing because disability took it away.

I pushed Elmer away all weekend because I just wonder how he can ever love me when I'm so screwed up.

How can he love someone I hate? There in lies the problem.

Pray for me.

Please.

Dianna

Sigh

Having difficulties w/ the privacy on here, but... I guess it doesn't matter much if someone else can view it.

Been in bed all day. Dizziness is back....I'm frustrated beyond words.

I'm pissed, beyond words.

I have hopes and dreams and as soon as I feel like I make progress, it's back again. I want to learn to live my life with it, but it feels so awful and I'm so mad.

I've been resigned to laying in my bed, being careful the way I put my head. I hate it.

I'm trying not to be angry at God, but it's so hard. I have so many other afflictions....can't one of them suffice without dizziness? I'm tired.

I miss Elmer a lot. As I lay here all day I just kept wishing he was here, so he could just tell me it's all gonna be okay.

Nothing worse than being sick, than being sick alone.

The tears have flowed all evening because I have been recovering from this since July, is it going to be another 9 months til it goes away again?

Fear, it rules my life.

I want an escape from this.

Love,

Dianna

My puppy doggie is better!

My dog is like a whole new dog! I wonder if he was getting sick for some time now. I never paid much attention I guess, other than realizing he's not acting like himself!

He ate 2 full bowls of dog food last night! =D

Starting to feel a lot better emotionally.

An old friend wants to fly in from Chicago and take me to dinner on Valentine's Day, while I was flattered..... that wouldn't be fair to E, so I said no.

I'm not sure what's happening there. Seems like we never have stuff to talk about anymore. If I do talk, I say or do the wrong thing. So, I've taken the approach of really saying nothing at all to avoid a lecture or comments about how my thoughts are off base.

Reminds me a lot of the relationship I had w/ my stepmom. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to fix that relationship through this one. It just doesn't work. He's sweet, he does really nice things for me...........but, if I can't talk or say my point of view or even be allowed to have feelings validated. What's the point?

I usually sit on the phone and let him do all the talking and just listen. Through that I have felt very distant and very lonely.

My therapist tells me week after week that it isn't working. My family and friends tell me it isn't working.

Maybe I see it, but I just don't want to believe it yet.

/shrug........I guess I don't have to worry about it today or tomorrow.

Today has enough worries of it's own.

The bible tells me so.

Love,

Me

Been A While

My life is never, ever boring.

It's always stressful and lately I'm just sad.

My oldest dog Opie is sick. He's has a condition called Geriatric Vestibular Disorder. Basically oddly enough.........He's dizzy.

Ironic how he basically has the same thing I do. This morning is day 3 and I woke up hoping to see some major change in his condition and was disappointed that there are only miniscule improvements.

I called the vet this morning and she said it can take up to 2 weeks to notice improvements.

Either way it woke me up to the absolute reality that my baby is almost 14 years old, he will be going up to visit Jesus sooner than later. My heart isn't quite ready to let him go and I trust that God has his hand on it and trust that it will be a perfect time.

My life is such a mess as a whole. I find myself not caring about so much lately. My heart is fading w/ certain people and I try to hang on and hang on and my heart is changed and it's really hard to hold on to something that isn't there anymore.

I keep hoping something will spark feelings, but it doesn't. Part of it is distance, I don't know what the rest is.

I'm angry at my ex-husband because his life is working out so well. I want to run and tell his fiance about all the crap from last year when he was talking to me and wreck his happiness............but, I can't.

That's not the right way. I don't understand why when he treated me and my boys so bad, his life works out. I know I wasn't perfect, depression killed everything at the end, but matters weren't helped by yelling day in and yelling day out at anyone in his path.

I have asked God over and over to take these feelings out of my heart, but they don't go.

I'm really frustrated lately because I feel like I'm doing nothing right to get my prayers answered. I ask anyway out of faith, but I'm not expecting answers at all because of my complete disobedience to God.

I don't know what the answers are to any of this. It's like w/ everyone around me, I'm so afraid of letting anything go because I don't know what life holds outside of what I have now. Will things come along that are worse?

I have therapy today, more of the same.

Pray for me please, my heads just in a maxium capacity overload.

Love,

Me

It's Wednesday

Just got out of bed, passing time til I meet some people at the gym. So, I thought I'd bloggety blog.

I'm still in quite a mess. My weekend was horrible. One of the worst I have had in quite awhile. I still am not sure what to do about that mess.

I've changed a lot lately. In instances where I thought I was weak, I'm not. Situations and people I'd never thought I could live with out, I know I can. Changing like that and then applying it are two different things.

I know what I want out of life and I know where I sit currently I'm not going to get it. Therapy is helping me so much. Maybe it's because I'm applying what he says in most areas.

I was talking to a friend the other day and he says "Dianna, you can't open and know what is behind one door, unless you close the others."

This statement has stuck in my head since he said it. It's true. I'm just always afraid what's behind the new doors will be worse than what's behind the doors I already have.

I guess I just live life with too much fear. Right now too much anger and resentment at people.

So........I don't know what to do, but I'm closer than I was yesterday and tomorrow I'll be closer than I was today.

That's my hope and for the first time in a long time I have it!!

Things are going to be okay!

Love,

Me

What Have I Done?

I woke up from the dream that is my life and I am my own crown of thorns.

What the hell did I do?

What the hell did I throw away?

What the hell am I thinking?

I wish I wasn't so distant from God lately. I need so much help and my heart physically hurts.

Good grief, what did I do?

Sigh,

Love,

Me

God.......Help me.

This is not my home

Just listened to this and cried my wee little eyes out


I'm just so thankful that I won't always have to stay here. I 'm so tired of mean people, vindictive people, angry people.........I'm tired

I'm sooooooooo glad that I don't always have to stay here. I can't wait to go to my real home and leave this place.

Just windows and walls, I'm just passing through, this is my temporary home.

Thank God.

LOve,

Me

Been A Long, Long, Long Time

Haven't been updating much because nothing has change lol =D

Christmas came and went. It was really good at points, and at some points it just was.

Have not been crying at all lately. It has been extremely nice. I still feel sad inside and angry, but the tears have stopped.

I'm frustrated lately with people not hearing me and not understanding what I am trying to say. They always jump to their own conclusion without hearing what I'm trying to tell them and I just drop it because they aren't going to see my point. It drives me nuts when people try to disprove what I already know, but are totally on the wrong track with what I'm trying to say.

It happens a lot. It's frustrating.

I also am realizing the magnitude of anger I have at the fact that I got sick. I feel like it took my life away and if I'm going through the stages of grief, I'm over depression and straight into anger.

I'm not sure what to do with it all. I don't know how to just stop the swirling of life and get back on track.

I signed up at church for counseling and there's a lot of stuff I HAVE to do that I don't want to. I think it will be good for me though. I'm not going to try to change everything at once. One thing at a time.

I went to the gym last week twice, getting ready to go now and make that change first.

I need something, wish God would send it.

Wish people would listen to me and listen to what I say.

Wish I lived in Florida on the beach.

Wish this part of my life was over and past.

Argh.

Have a great new year, I'm hoping mines filled with a lot more happier moments =)

Love,

Me

Dreams of rainbows

Last night I dreamed of a rainbow. I kept chasing it and trying to take pics of it. I remember how dark the sky was and how bright the rainbow was.

My aunt emailed me about Daniels sermon last week. I haven't been going to church lately and she told me to listen to it.

I laid in bed and put it on and listened. It was about Noah and how awful people were and how God wiped them all out.

Daniel said something that really hit home with me. Over and over again I always say to myself....."I'm not good like those people there. They do things right." Daniel said those exact words except in the context of "People think they do, but we are the worst ones. We all sin, we all fall short."

A lot of people call me, text me, email me to find out where I am. Why I've dropped off the face of the earth. God and I will work it out together. I have to have faith that His hand is on this, because if it wasn't I would be in a whole lot of trouble.

In my world with so much confusion, the one thing that I know for certain is how much I love Jesus.

I absolutely love him. What he did for us. Thanking God for His gift to this world, thanking God for His abundant grace at times when I act like this.

I can't find any Christmas spirit, I'm not sure what's going on, but it's gone. Maybe it's what Christmas has turned into. Maybe it's because it's all about money anymore and who gets what.

I'm going to go buy a Christmas tree and put it up and do it because I'm glad that Jesus was our gift to this fallen world.

Watching the news, seeing the way the world has fallen and remembering what a precious gift was given to us. Knowing that Jesus paid for my sin so I can leave this world and go home some day.

This isn't my home.

Thank you Jesus for what you did and thank you God for rainbows which tells me that it's going to be okay. The story of Noah, the story of the rainbow and the covenant that you keep your promise.

I love you papa!

Love,

Me

Where's The Dianna I Know?

I'm not sure where I'm at lately. I know without a doubt, I'm clinically depressed and that take a lot of who you are with it.

Depression is ugly. I often wonder if it will ever just go away.

Sometimes I wonder if I had this or had that, maybe things would be better. Seems lately nothing gets any better.

I used to find a lot of joy in Jesus, but it left too. I watch shows sometimes about God, but lately they frustrate me because there's a laundry list of stuff you have to do and if it's not done right, they say God won't answer your prayers.

I haven't stopped praying, but maybe just a little I stopped expecting any answers. I'm not really praying anymore because I want something. I truly love God and just knowing He is there, makes things easier.

I cried the other day out of nowhere, thinking about Jesus. Thinking about what he did for us. Thinking that because of him, one day I can leave this earth and go home.

I wait for God to fix me, it's a vicious circle though, because that requires obedience and I'm anything but.

Still waiting for my Christmas miracle. Anything to just jostle me into the spirit of Christmas.

I still haven't put my tree up.

Sigh.

Have a great week!

Love,

Moi!

Where are you Christmas?

Every year the day after Thanksgiving, sometimes even Thanksgiving night I have put up my Christmas tree.

This year I just don't have it in me to do it. The want that is. I love what Christmas stands for. I love the fact that our Savior came to this world.

But the Christmas we celebrate, I just don't want to. Money, things, stuff that never gets touched or put up in the closet.

I wish God would show me some real Christmas spirit somewhere that doesn't have anything to do with money or things.

Maybe a moment somewhere of someone just being nice.

I have watched Christmas movies over and over day in and day out this year. None of it's real. All these people find Christmas love or get Christmas miracles. It's just not real.

I want to go stand under a tree somewhere and have this man come out of nowhere that just falls in love with me as I am.

It just doesn't happen.

I've lost myself so badly. I just long to find myself and I don't know where to look.

I'm tired of noise. I'm tired of lies and exhaustion. I'm just tired of my life as it is.

I Savannah is the one thing in my life that keeps me going.

Hopefully I'll find myself this Christmas.

Peace and Love

Dianna

Betty

Last year about this time, I blogged about Betty.

Over the year I got to know her very well. My work out buddy. I saw her the week I got sick. She told me she would pray for me and to just hold on.

The one thing that always stuck with me was when she said "As long as I'm working out, I'm fighting the cancer."

Cindy knew how close we had gotten and called me today with the news that Betty's body is shutting down and she will pass very soon.

I'm just sad.

Cancer is a four-letter word. It's a thief that robs people of their life and robs families of their loved ones.

She fought so hard, she was so strong.

Her husband came in to cancel her membership because "She won't be coming back" he says.

So final. I have to keep in mind that while on earth there are so many goodbyes, but in heaven, you never have to say goodbye again.

God will pull her out of this world and take her into His. She won't be in pain anymore, she won't have to fight anymore.

I will see her again and at our next meeting, there doesn't have to be a goodbye.

Love,

Me

He Loves Me

God never ceases to amaze me. A couple of weeks ago, I came across this video of starlings roosting. It was so amazing, it actually brought tears to my eyes. I have never seen that many birds before and was so amazed at them. I remember watching it and thinking how amazing and awesome God is. I told Him I wanted to see that someday.

Tonight I had to get out of the house for awhile. Something someone had said to me had me on the verge of tears for a lil bit and I was fighting to hold back tears.

I talked to God and just started telling all my problems and how I don't know what to do. About 3 seconds into my heart spill, I hear an almost audible, "Look up"


If you look closely at the full picture it looks like a giant arm leading the birds where to go =)

That is what I saw. Starlings were roosting and it looked like they were coming out of the sun. They flew all around me my whole walk. Sometimes they would land a few houses in front of me. There were hundreds of birds. Another moment I won't ever forget.

I love when God shows off. =D

It was such a wonderful present. It was so amazing the way I couldn't see part of them because the sun was so bright, but all around the sun they were just flying in their patterns.

He LOVES me. He doesn't care how much I weigh, He doesn't care that right now I'm depressed, He doesn't care that sometimes I say or do the wrong thing, He doesn't care that I don't know much about certain things, He doesn't care that right now I don't have a job.

What great lengths He goes through to show me He loves me as I am.

Face value.

He LOVES me.

Love,

Me

=) Thanking God He doesn't base His love on things earthly people see and judge us by. He knows my heart and it's good.

Thursday...

You know, life isn't really very long.

I lay in bed this morning thinking about time, time going by in years, months, hours and days.

Since my dream the other night, I have been thinking a lot about how much of my time I have wasted. How much time I continue to waste, but I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be right where I am doing what I'm doing.......Or if I'm supposed to be doing something else.

Inching slowly back into my relationship with God. I've missed Him so much and turned away from Him, in the most difficult time in my life.

I watched a show the other day that talked about how God loves us through other people. He doesn't come down in the form of Himself to tell us, He shows us through people. At that pivotal moment I truly felt how much He loves me.

When I think of how much I hate doing laundry, at least I have clothes to wash. When I think or complain of how much I hate doing dishes, good Lord, at least I have dishes to eat out of. I see the nice things around me and I have so many nice things. God truly has loved on me and used other people to convey that love. I've never, ever went without one thing even for one day and I acted like such a spoiled brat. Good thing about God is, I asked for forgiveness and I am forgiven. Approaching life with more of a thankful attitude.

I asked God to lead me to what I'm supposed to have in my life. I want someone to share my life with. I want to get married again. I want someone to do life with. Life is so hard and sometimes so wonderful that I want someone to walk through it with.

I was so unsure of that before. I was so adamant about never being married again, but He showed me in my heart, that I do want to be married again.

I've got to change so much to get there, or should I say, He has to change so much for me to get there. I have so much to learn still, but I still have some years, months, days and hours to learn what I need to.

Going to quit trying to make things happen and just let Him lead me where it is I need to be.

I'm hearing Him again. I know that I know that I know it's Him.

Fear opens the door for satan to work, faith opens up the door for my Father to work.

Pray that I can leave these fears and have the courage to do what I need to do to move forward.

Courage....I need it.

Love,

Me =)

Sunday Once Again

I miss February. That's back when I got my job and I was on top of the world. I'm done analyzing what happened, it just did.

Trying to figure out how to get my life back is where I'm at now.

Had a lot of vivid dreams over the past few days. Friday night I dreamed mamaw was sitting with me in a gray empty room. There were 2 chairs. She was in one, I was in the other. She spoke loudly and said "You are wasting so much time" I kept asking her over and over again what she meant and she said loudly one more time "All you need to know is that you are wasting a lot of time."

Then last night I dreamed that I was getting baptized again. My whole entire family was there and I was so excited to be baptized again...The lady who was going to baptize me was reading my testimony and one by one my family went out. I kept asking where they were and my mom would say "someone more important needs them" I looked out the window and they were all doing other things. I got back in the tub and my mom was still there and she was waiting and the lady who was baptizing me got a phone call and said she needed to leave and couldn't finish. I sat in the tub crying and just felt so empty.

Right after that I dreamed I was at my old Grandma Spies house. I looked out front and there was a box and I knew what was in there and realized someone had take stuff out of the box. I went around to the side door and someone else was in there. I ran over to Tessa and Keiths to call 911 and tell them someone was in my grandmas house...He asked me to do his dishes while I waited for the police. I didn't want to do his dishes, but he was adamant that I do them. So I sat there while I waited. I looked out his kitchen window and I saw my grandma spies and she was screaming "someones in my house." I told her I'd finish the dishes and be right there and that I had called police.

So weird these dreams.

=(

Okay, happy Sunday

Love,

Dianna

Sigh

Dealing with my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder again today. It's funny recognizing what it is. It's funny what triggers it.

I would think my brain would realize the difference. It doesn't.

Elmer came in this past weekend. We had a great time and he had to leave. What triggered it was cleaning up his bottle he was drinking out of, the towel he used. Stuff like that.

After Brett died, I remember everyone just cleaning up his stuff and I wanted the cup he drank out of, I wanted the shirt he was wearing. I didn't want to touch anything.

After Elmer left yesterday it was hard for me to throw his water bottle away or wash his towel. I cried most of the afternoon because I had to tell my brain, he's not dead, he's just not here.

Today I'm emotionally worn out from that. Every time I went to touch something that he did, that scene from the day Brett died came back into my head. Telling myself over and over.....it's okay to throw it away. The bottle is insignificant.

I guess I just wanted to hold on and seeing those things around my house is a reality that he was really here.

Hard to fool a brain.

I hate goodbye. =(

Love,

Me

A Re-Introduction of Dianna

I'm Dianna 39 years old, blonde hair, blue eyes. I'd like that think that's about all I have to say about myself. But it's not. I notice silly things like that sentence before this one is a fragment. Is it sentence or sentance? Stuff like that is what goes through my simple mind.

Lately I have embarked on a journey of self discovery. Who am I and what the hell do I want out of life? I try to think of things I know about myself. I do know that I am on a big chessboard. The way I act, the way I write.........everything dictated by who is moving my pieces that day. Some people in my life know exactly who's moving what piece all the time. I love those people.

I like the color of yellow. Not bright yellow, soft, pale yellow. I like bowling, although I'm not sure why. I love my puppy dogs, all dogs. That's about all I know of likes. I used to like to paint and draw, but when Juan (big Juan) broke all my pencils and tore up my work...I stopped.

I wonder all the time about what gives people the right to take things from other people. Take away their self esteem, take away their happiness. I do wish I was a strong enough woman to not let anyone take anything.

I soul search a lot. But I guess everyone knows that about me. I never let anyone drive me. I only can drive myself. I have let Elmer and Steve drive me. I think my aunt once. I was 17...In a truck w/ my step sister, a preachers son and his friend. We were out in Bullit County on this old country dirt road. The preachers son was driving and he was going fast. I was scared and crying and they thought this was quite funny. I was sick to my stomach. So.........I beg to be let out and they wouldn't let me. They go back on this really hilly road to really let me have it, because, lets face it......Scaring someone to death is funny. I begged to be let out, preachers son said he would let me out if I grabbed his penis. I said no of course and the first hill came......we were all in the front of the truck and no seat belts. I remember going over that hill, my head hitting the top of the truck and just crying hysterically. More laughter at my expense..........Second hill came, he asked me again if I would grab his penis and this time I thought about it, but said "No, just let go please" I will never forget the sound of those tires peeling out on that road, again my head hit the top of the truck, more laughter and we got to the third hill. I felt as if I were going to vomit. He asked me again if I were going to grab his penis. This time I said "Yes" I grabbed it so hard his eye balls popped out of his head and I would not let up. Once I let go of course more hills and they finally let me out in the middle of a highway somewhere. I walked back to the mall crying.

I still think about that. Wonder if he ever thinks about that and realizes that for 20 something years I can't ride with other people because I trust so few.

Add that to my list of about me. I don't like going fast, I don't like hills....I don't like people laughing at me and making fun of me.

My dad the other day told me I don't need to call a Dr. I need to call FEMA because I'm a walking disaster. That is pretty much true. I have a lot of stuff go wrong, but sometimes I have a lot of stuff go right.

I'm foolish and stupid I agree.

I get asked out by the same 3 guys almost every week. There was a 4th, but he told me he would eventually give up asking and he did. I was relieved when he did. The same 3 guys ask and I give the same response and same excuses.

I wouldn't know what to say or do with any of them and they would have to get to know me, which in the end they would stop liking me anyways.

How can you like someone who doesn't even know what she likes to do? One of them asked me the other day, "You have to like something, what do you like?" Why is that question so hard? Bowling is all I could think of. He asks "Are you good at it?" "No", I say......."I'm not good at it". I'm not even sure why I like it.

How does one find out what they like? There's so much noise around me how can I figure out anything. One of the guys does something sweet.......If he reads my facebook status or something and I'm sad, he will text me bible verses. I think that's pretty sweet.

It's sweet and a reminder that God is still pursuing me even though I want to give up on Him.

I do know that I love Jesus. There is no like in that, that is absolute love. I can honestly say that I don't even trust the one who made me.

This introduction is long enough...You don't have to scroll back and read who I was. This is who I am. A dizzy, dumb female who loves bowling and God.

Love,

Dianna

Shhh Sneakin On

I attempted to delete my blog a few times....I just couldn't do it. Too much history here.

Things have gotten better. I was dx with BPPV Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo. I went to an ENT a couple weeks ago and he did something called Dix-Hallpike test and was able to tell immediately. He then proceeded to scoot my head back off the table hanging almost upside down to do to the Epley Maneuver. Good times for sure.

I will say that after the first Epley I felt awesome. I was still really off balance, but had felt like something was missing. I had to go back last week and he did it again. After this one I didn't feel so well. I am still really off balance and keep hitting my left side. They said this was something called compensation. I say good grief it's a pain in the butt. They fail to tell you that recovery after having it so long, is almost as bad as the first initial episode.

My brain plays continual tricks on me. My body will feel the dizziness while my eyes aren't dizzy. It's a psychological nightmare.

I go back next Friday for another evaluation and I'm very nervous. I don't want to get even more messed up. I don't want my other side to get messed up.

Elmer will be here the following week and I'm so scared about being dizzy while he's here and UGH I just want my life back.

That's about it. =D Things ARE getting better, just so stinking slow!!

Love,

Dianna

Nothing is better than a heart felt "I miss you"

Yesterday a phone call with a warm voice saying I miss you. Today another phone call and before they hang up, they came back to squeeze in....I really miss you.

I got off the phone and cried.

It's nice when someone says something in a tone that's very sincere.

I miss them too =(

God does know what I need when I need it. Even when I'm out on my sea of doubt.

Love,

Me

I miss her when she goes away

Just like every Monday after the weekend I have Savannah I lay in bed and cry.

I really don't like sharing her. It's the ugly side of divorce. I hate cleaning up on Mondays, because I like seeing her shoes and doll dresses all around. I like seeing her Hershey bar wrappers. I love hearing her giggle and laugh.

I love having her ask me who I wanna marry and read my instant messages over my shoulder and tease me about my use of LOL.

My quiet dark life is full of noise and light when she's hear and I just totally miss her when she goes away.

=( Sometimes I wish I would've stayed married just so I wouldn't have to share her, but I know that's not the answer.

Off to wipe the tears away and look forward to Wednesday when I see her again.

I love her.

~di

I Think I've Turned Into a Doubting Thomas.

I tell you what, it's amazing how one day you can have faith and then the next it's gone.

I have so much anger built up all around me and frustration coming out the wazoo.

Actually to say that I'm frustrated is an understatement.

My life, my kids life, my moms life...All in the toilet right now. Completely and totally in the toilet. All of us are struggling with severe depression, anxiety that is crippling and there is no support system around except each other..........A bunch of depressed hopeless people trying to help other depressed, hopeless people.

It's sad. I feel guilty for being angry at God. I could understand why things are so bad right now if I ran around kicking puppies or stealing candy from kids. If I abused children I could understand.

I've emailed a couple of people from church about my confusion, but I never hear back from them. Surprise. I have no one to turn to for answers and that's frustrating and I keep feeling like I want to just give up trying.

I've heard a lot about hanging with believers instead of people who don't believe. I tried that, but you know the ones who don't hide behind Christianity, seem to be more of a support than those who are "called" to help others.

I'm trying to hang on during this doubtstorm, not understanding anything. Being frustrating and trying trust God when I don't even think He likes me.

I base it on circumstances. If things are good, I'm more apt to believe that God loves me. But things are always crap and it's easier to believe that He doesn't.

I'm sad today.

Love,

Me

Thursday!

It's Thursday and I feel mentally better than ever.

Thank God!

I'm relieved in so many ways, monkeys off my back and life moves on!!

=)

A friend of mine has been asking me to lunch and I'm thinking about working up the courage to go today!!

=)

Say lots O Prayers for me and thanking God my heart is happy!!!

Love,

Me =)

Under my tree with Jesus

For the past year and a couple of months, my walk with God. I may have even blogged about this before. When I'm sad, stressed or tired I always close my eyes and meet Jesus under this tree.

I don't know where it is, but it's where my mind and heart go. Today I have really dealt with quite a bit of hurt and as always I just wanna run to Jesus under our tree.

He always looks me in the eye. He lifts me up. Today laying on my bed, I ran to Jesus under our tree and cried. I'm so tired and tired of hurt. Today he just held me and I cried harder when I had to open up my eyes and come back. I wish I could close my eyes forever and just stay under that tree with him.

One day.

I love him.

Love,

Me

Sigh

Well, yesterday was wonderful, I felt great, was in an okay mood. Not dizzy...

Today, ugh, dizzy.

I'm getting so frustrated it's unreal. No one understands at all what it's like and on top of it being stressful, I'm angry and frustrated.

The past couple of days I have been battling horrendus anger. I'm not really sure who or what I'm angry at...I just am.

I just feel like my life fell apart. All of it. Every single area has crumbled. I have been trying to get closer with God while all this is going on, but sometimes I don't think it's working.

I just have to believe that it is working and that He isn't punishing me. My depression is starting to get pretty bad. I have to go to therapy every week again.

I have been trying to focus on scriptures about healing. Thinking about who and what I am in Christ, not who or what I am here.

For the first time in awhile something was made clear to me. I always say "My hope is is Christ", but I never understood it.

I understood it yesterday. I'm just visiting this earth. Because of Christ I can go home someday and not have to stay here where there's illness and hurt. There's no good bye in heaven, there's no sadness, no dizziness, nothing.

Someday I get to go there. For eternity. Because of Christ, my name is in the book of life and I get to have peace, quiet, love and hope. Someday I get to go home.

I really believe God is working on healing me. I have to be patient and I am feeling better. By his stripes I am healed.

When I get better, I'm not gonna mess it all up again. Well, I probably will, but I really am going to appreciate my time better.

Keep praying for me.

Love,

Dianna

Wish I

Could have 5 full minutes with Jesus in the flesh. Just to even touch him for a second and ask him to heal me from this dizzy stuff.

I pray and pray and pray and PRAY and pray and pray. I keep thinking what am I doing wrong. Is my faith that low? Is there unconfessed sin. I don't get it.

I know God has a bigger plan in all this, but it doesn't make anything any easier when you have to be in bed most of the day.

I wish I could run away from myself sometimes. I sit here and think why can't it be someone else? Someone deserving, but then again why not me?

It's wrecked my life, I slip into this stupid depression every time. I just want relief.

Pray for me please and continue praying for me. I just want this season in my life OVER.

Love,

Me

Tuesday

To say I need Jesus is an understatement. I NEED Jesus.

Being busy and working all the time, I never could put quite into place what was going on and what was going wrong.

My life for the past 3 months has been a living hell. I have heard hell described as life apart from God. I can tell you that is true.

I haven't felt right for a few months...angry, bitter, sad and lost. I couldn't put my finger on what exactly was wrong. I couldn't til tonight.

Driving home from Community Groups I was filled with tears, apart from Christ I am nothing. I was walking around as an empty hollow shell. He is what gives me life. Without Him, my life was hell.

The more of God I get, the more of God I want. I was so tired and I find rest in Him.

I used to think that God didn't call me and that I just wanted to be a part of something so badly that I thought they have to like me at church.

I couldn't of been more wrong. God has a huge hold on me and if I get far away, He has proven He will bring me back.

I can't wait to let His Glory shine through of what's next on my path. I will probably mess it all up again, but thank God, He loves me enough to bring me around.

I feel such peace!

Love,

Dianna

Tuesday

It's Tuesday =) I am feeling SOOOOO Much better this week, knocking on wood!!

I feel clear headed, I feel lighter....

I had to start going back to therapy weekly for awhile to repair all the damage I did in 6 months, but he reassured me I did the right thing.

He didn't want to say I told you so, but he reminded me of 6 months ago when I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off and got pneumonia. Basically he said, "If I won't stop the insanity, my body will" and it did.

I don't miss my job as much as I thought I would. One thing I didn't realize how much I missed, was time with God.

I'm able to watch my shows about God again, I spend time praying and talking to God. I feel more at peace when I do that. I'm back to making my note cards with scriptures to remind me. Funnily enough every show I have watched has been on being too busy for God and you will fail over and over unless you put Him first.

I was classic, epic faily. I loved my job at first, I couldn't wait to get up and go. Then it just became too much and I became lost. Working day in and day in, working out, going to classes with members. Sometimes I would only be home to sleep. It was all too much.

I will 100% work again, but this time setting up boundaries on hours and days. 1 day off in 2 weeks isn't enough. Another guy there was doing the same and had a stroke.

I wake up in the morning, take anthony to work....Sometimes go back to bed, sometimes I stay awake. I spend time with God, I do laundry, I cook my own food and do any running I need to do.

For the first time in a long time, I feel peace.

Putting my home life back together where it all fell apart from me being gone.

=)

Ahhhh relief!!!

Love,

Me

Been A Good Summer, Been A Bad Summer

Been sick for about a week. I picked up a stomach bug in the ER, no surprise there and today have that.

I know God is working on it. I run myself down, I did it last year and got pneumonia. When will I get it and listen? This time I think I got the point.

Trying to find the good in things lately.

Trying to be positive and focus on the good.

*I felt okay for the past 2 days. Better, stronger.
*Elmer and I had a really good time last night and he made me smile and laugh which I felt I haven't done in awhile.
*Summer *IS* coming to and end, thank God.
*I have lots of tomatoes
*I'm not angry at myself as much anymore and am accepting me for who I am.
*I'm on here blogging about things that are positive instead of blogging about what's wrong.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Love,

Me

Off sick, lots O pondering

Have been sick lately. Long drawn out story of what happened, but I have laid in bed 3 days now. Not really any computer, a lot of TV and a lot of sleep.

My wheels keep going round and round about different things. Dizziness hit me again and I think to myself if I'm dizzy I'm no good. I had fears flash before my eyes of losing a job I love and being stuck inside this house on the computer which I hate.

I'm slowly trying to feed truth into myself about who I am and what I'm worth.

I have drawn a few conclusions this past 3 days. I don't want to be alone. I'm tired of it. I want someone to watch TV with, to hang out with...Just someone to do life with.

It kept flashing into my head that no one will want me if I'm dizzy and can't do anything. This lie has literally drained me. The one small hope I Held onto was the guy who came in my room when I was in the ER.

I was alone as usual. I was scared, tired and I dunno. Just blah. He was an EMS driver there transporting someone from that hospital to another one. He left her room and came into mine and just sat on the bed. I looked up and was like "Can I help you?" He said "I really just wanted to come in here and make sure you were okay." I told him I was fine.

Two more times he came in and I told him I had to pee. He said "I'm going to get permission to take care of you be right back" He slowly unhooked my heart machines, my IV and my other things and walked me to the restroom and waited for me.

We got back to my room and he hooked me up slowly so he could stop and talk to me. After that he stayed and talked to me for a bit til his partner was ready to go take the lady. Parts of me thinks he was just feeling sorry for me because I was alone, the other thinks "He was actually interested in me"

I really think he was, but trash talk in the back of my head says "No". It was nice, it was nice when he took my hand to lead me to the restroom. Just the compassion he showed towards me made me think so badly I want that. I don't want to do this life alone. I don't wanna be with people who hide the fact they know me.

Then I get worried that I'm going to be sick and that diminishes my value because I'm sick.

I sit here just crying because UGH! I wish my life were different.

I know it's what I make it, but how can I make it anything when I'm dizzy?

Confusion all around and I wish I had easy answers. At least I have some clarity of what I want more. It's all becoming black and white now instead of lots of gray.

Okay..........that's enough feelings for today.

Pray, pray, pray that I get well soon. Please.

Love,

Me

Vomit of words

I don't really know where to start other than to say BLAH!

Went to bed early last night so I could lay there and cry. Shortly before midnight woke up and cried again. I haven't cried in quite awhile because it makes me dizzy. Last night I didn't care. That's all I wanted to do.

I'm so F'in unhappy it's ridiculous. I'm stressed and resent everyone and everything that makes me unhappy. I resent people with easy lives. I'm angry.

I have no help and I'm sinking fast. Not just with God, I'm sinking at life. Fail 101. Who was I to ever think that my life could be anything other than it is?

My therapist basically "Told ya so" me on Friday. He continually told me before "How can you keep up at that pace?" I think "Why the hell can't I be normal and just deal with stress normally?"

One thing he did offer me that was some comfort was that my stress is not normal. He said it overwhelms him hearing what I have to deal with.

I just need help. Last night I got angry at God again, which really bothers me. He brought me to a life I loved last summer, to one I loathe this summer. But did He bring me? Did I take myself?

I'm mad at so many people. I really want a do over on life. Go somewhere give them my phone, my house, my car and say take this..........give me a new one. Give me one with people who actually care.

I cab't go back to sleep this morning because I just keep thinking about how am I going to fit all the stuff I need to in today. Juan called last night w/ a laundry list of stuff to do. I have to go to work and be dizzy. Anthony needs a ride to and from work. Football practice, dogs.........

I get pissed off that Brett died, I get pissed off Juans dad won't take on any responsibility. It all falls on me and I start questioning God with the "Why me?"

Throw Kyles crap in there.....When I was looking in the mirror last night I realized "I'm defeated"

I am. No time for exercise today because I have to do everything for everyone else. Made a list of the top stressors in my life and ugh....

Going back to community groups tomorrow and try to start to put my life back in the direction it was when I was happy last year.

Last summer was the best of my life. Wish I could have a repeat.

I think I'll send myself a big bunch of dasies at work. Daisys.......

Love,

Dianna

Big game of tug o war

Haven't blogged too awful much lately. My aunt suggested I journal my really dry spell and my struggles as of late.

I didn't even really feel like doing that. Dry spell wasn't even the word, it was just void.

Sometimes I feel that God let me go back to everything I was missing to show me...."This is what you were missing." With fresh eyes I think "How on earth could I miss this?"

My life feels like a huge game of tug o war in a few different directions. Not a real good feeling.

I've been a little closer to God lately and never realized or understood til now what a wonderful gift His grace truly is.

I'm humbled beyond words at the grace He gives to me over and over. I totally haven't deserved any of it lately and He gives it.

I prayed for Him to show me which way to go as I struggle with switching churches and what I'm doing and unbelievable stuff just happens over and over again.

My dry spell ended Sunday. I really was just at an all low point and really on the verge of quitting it all and completely reverting back to a life that I didn't enjoy. Lets just say there's a girl I didn't think liked me etc. I don't really know how to put it other than I knew God one day would use her in my life. I was going to communion on Sunday and pass her and she grabs me, hugs me and tells me she misses me at group.

I was in shock, but that was the start....A card at work from a lady telling me how much I'm appreciated. People calling up there to see if I'm there so they can come in. People telling me that I make all the difference at work. A guy today bringing me in a stack of postcards because he wanted to show me every single place he visited while he was on vacation.

I just sit back and think...."People actually think about me outside of work?" They do.

I don't know the answer, I know I will still fail over and over...But I'm understanding so much right now that it's times like this when God is showing me not only His mercy, but so much of His grace.

I totally love Him so much and just wish I had easy answers for everything going on. I think that's His point though. He's showing me there really are no answers.

I try to fix everything and run my life the way I think it should go and I fail epically all over. When I try to do this, I'm going to fail.

Yesterday I was filled with so much joy. A joy and a peace that could only come from God. My hope is in Christ, not in anything else.

I really didn't enjoy my old life and He's helping me see how much I enjoy the one He gave me.

There's so much out there waiting for me. People who want to be with me. I don't have to force it or wish for it because it's true. I'm wanted =) and that's a wonderful feeling to have.

I repeat to myself all day long, my hope is in Christ.

Have a wonderful day =)

Love,

Me

It's Friday!!

I finally got some much needed time off!!

Wanted to work out in my garden today, but I have an angry bird that's about to drive me to drinkin. At first I thought it was cute and sweet and now it's just annoying. It's a mother and a father bird, she made a nest on my front porch. Grumble and that's all I have to say about that.

Not too much else going on, still losing a lot of weight and exercising 5 to 6 days a week.

My stress is starting to dwindle some. I have been trying to weed out things and situations that cause me the most stress. It seems to be helping a little.

Other than that, nothing but working and exercising....then the fighting off angry birds when I leave my house.

Have a great 4th of July weekend and be safe =D

Love,

Me

Off today YAY!!

Enjoying the heck out of my off day =)

Reading back over some of my old posts and again a stopping point to see how much I have grown. Thank God!! =) Little changes over time.

I'm at such a point in my life right now where I'm happy to not hate myself so much.

I deserve good things. I deserve the best that life has to offer and I'm not stopping to settle for crap anymore =)

My confidence is rising at a slow rate and I'm seeing truly what I deserve.

I deserve so much better than I get
I believe it =D


What the heck took so long?

It's awful being at the bottom of a pit believing that it is what I deserve.

I know good things are coming my way =)
I know good things are coming my way =)
I know good things are coming my way =)

I can't tell you how happy I feel, just to know that.

A guy stopped by my desk yesterday. Such a wonderful, wonderful fella. We talk all the time and about everything and as he was walking out the door yesterday he hollered back in "Don't you dare settle for less than you deserve and if you wanna know what it is that you deserve, I'll show you!"

I'm a cute girl. I have a big heart and a great personality and as he told me "Whoever lands me will be the luckiest man alive."

=)

He will be =)

Okay I'm taking my happy self out to enjoy my off day =)

Love,

Me

Getting to the root of the problem

As you can tell from my last few posts, I haven't had a clue where all the garbage in my head and heart have been coming from.

I think about it, I analyze it...Nothing makes any sense and I find myself overly frustrated.

Today before work I was laying in the tub and started crying. It makes me sad that I have reached a total point of not caring about anything. I don't want to be to that point where I literally don't care.

I have been trying like hell to figure out what's wrong with me.

I am in a spiritual dry period. I pray every night, but haven't been spending much time with God. I go to read my bible and think to myself "I just don't want to" I'm unhappy at church and haven't been feeling very "Godly" towards it on any level.

I asked God to show me what was wrong, please and He led me to :

Jeremiah 29:13
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

This morning I got up and didn't go weigh in, I just laid in bed for a bit and thought about how to do this. Did lots of thinking about how much I loathe who I have become lately.

I talked to God for awhile and hoppped in my car to go to spin class and put my Joyce Meyer CD in about negative attitude.

Funnily enough I had no idea what was on the CD, I just grabbed it and left. God finally led me to what was wrong in my heart. I spend more time complaining lately than I do being thankful for everything that I have.

I complain about my eyes, but I wasn't thankful that I can see. I complain that my ears are messed up and I'm dizzy, but I'm not thankful that I can hear. I complain that my teeth hurt, but I'm not thankful I have a mouth to praise God with and talk.

The list goes on and on of stuff I have been complaining about and I have been at peace ever since I confessed my un-thankful heart and have been taking more time to stop, pause and think before I start to complain.

Hopefully I'll get my heart back to the right place. A good sign is that I think about what's wrong with me and it shows me that I do care. I'm not there caring about everything, but I most importantly care about right standing with God.

Made possible by Jesus of course =)

I love Him =)

Thinking about trying a new church more with-in my age range. A lot of people from my work go there and tell me it's wonderful. I have some more thinking to do and we shall see!

Have a great weekend! See you next Saturday!

Love,

Me

It's Saturday =)

Waiting for floors to dry and thought I'd bop in to blog.

Feeling much of the same way I did Monday. Had a bit of a breather today and really had time to think about things I want.

Had time to think about things that are best for me.

I've set some goals today and thought about things that are bad for me and things that take a lot of energy out of me.

They need to go. How or what that looks like... I don't know, but I know enough to know I don't want it anymore.

Some good notes =D

On a wonderful note I lost 3 lbs this week =) Switched it up from my usual 2.2 =)

I can't wait for tomorrow =D I'm really, really excited.

I'm happy my heart doesn't hurt anymore and that those feelings are over. =D

I have had a really, really good day today =)

Off to enjoy the rest of it. Waiting on a phone call and may be going on a date =)

Pressing on, pressing forward

and leaving the past where it needs to be.

Behind me =)

Love,

Dianna

Went to bloggety blog

For a few days now and I just didn't feel like writing. God is changing me slowly. I look back at who I was last year and who I am this year. That girl doesn't exist much anymore.

I find myself in the throes of frustration lately. Today I think it came to a head....I cursed, got upset and really lost it for a few minutes.

I felt a bit of the past coming back when I was like that, but I don't listen to God and of course I back slide right into messes I want no part of.

He changed my heart again and ugh....Stuff I thought would never happen, feelings I thought I would never lose, gone. The more time that passes, the more the feelings fade.

Do I want the feelings out of habit or because they were real? I'm thinking out of habit.

I just don't know what God is doing in any area of my life and I'm so very frustrated. Everything is changing and I don't even really make time for Him anymore.

Parts of me think He's trying to show me where I didn't listen, the wisdom as to why. Except this time with each inch of wisdom goes a ton of feelings.

Gone...Poof...Gone.

There's nothing I can do. I know the feelings leaving are for the best and as days pass I get the wisdom I so badly prayed for.

Sometimes it's very sad.

I find myself not wanting to believe things about people...Thinking, oh that's not the case.

Time later finding out, it is the case.

One thing I am excited about is what God has for my future. He's doing things His way, the right way.

Going to try to sleep. Got a lot of praying to do to clean up the mess I made today...Guess I didn't listen in church that Jesus already cleaned up my messes. Because of Him, I am forgiven.

Jesus sure does rock =)

Pray for me.

Love,

Dianna

Busy Days

Life/Work have been non-stop busy. Passing 30 minutes idly by...Waiting for spin class to start.

Things have been wonderful, but some changes have rolled around I'm still unsure how to handle.

I guess I don't really need to know how to handle them. I think God is taking me where He wants me to go, not where I wanted to stay.

In all honesty, I'm ready for the new. 100% ready =)

I wish I had some energy for class. I sit here after an 8 hour non-stop day...I can't remember which way is up. I didn't sleep well...Did I mention work was busy? Hope it's not indicative of the summer approaching.

Anyways Life is wonderful right now.

Missing blogging, but keep emailing me.

Love,

Dianna

Nightfall

You know on days like today I am saddened when nightfall comes. You ever have such a good day that you don't want it to end?

That was today. Nothing special happened so to speak, it was just the people I was with and the peace I felt today. Just so nice.

Not to mention I was blessed with a wonderful gift of the best home-made gluten free chicken n dumplins I have ever tasted in my life!! Words can't describe how good they were.

I'm sunburned, I'm in a food coma despite losing my usual 2.2 lbs this week and I'm happier than I have been in a very long time =)

Funny sometimes I wish nightfall would hurry and come so I can get the day overwith....Not today.

=D Life truly is wonderful sometimes.

Have a great Memorial Day

Love,

Di

Wed Nes Day

Truth hurts. Whether it comes from God who knows true hearts or if it comes from friends who can see what you don't.

"Truth shall set you free" I hear....Maybe so.

I wait for acceptance I'm never going to get. Never.

Truth.

I don't hurt inside though. I miss the peace I used to feel.

What the hell is wrong with me? Really?

I don't need people to tell me the truth. Trust me I know it.

Well, Juans out of the shower, time for mine.

Expecting a tornado outbreak tonight....Big suprise there.

I miss my sunshine.

Have a great Wed Nes Day

=D

Love,

Moi

Some days

I get tired.

Some days I don't have the strength to deal with pure crap like I do on other days.

I'm just tired and tired of exhausting resources to things that are stagnant.

My head hurts. Did I mention I'm tired?

Wish people would grow up.

Love,

Me

It's Sunday =)

The week started out a bit rough, but has ended so sweetly =D

Busy most of the week. Angel and I did I think 5 or 6 spin classes, I exercised on top of that. Yesterday I was sore to say the least, but it was all good.

Had a long talk with a good friend who set me straight on a lot of things currently going on in my life. They always tell me the absolute truth, it sinks in, I see it.

I think sometimes I like to step inside a fantasy world and mold things to make them appear the way I want them to. In reality they are nothing of the sort.

Thank God for good friends =D

Been spending lots of time talking to God lately. He was absent for so long and finally came back. I don't think He was absent as much as I think I was.

Life without Him is nothing but confusion, life with Him is peace. =)

Getting ready to head to church. Had a real busy day yesterday, but it was so wonderful =)

I got me a new iphone, so that's really cool =D I LOVE it =)

Did some late night gardening.

Life is sweetly good sometimes =)

Love,

Me

Am I walking around w/ a furrowed brow or something?

Every single person I have come in contact w/ lately tells me how unhappy I look and how I act unhappy.

I walk in work yesterday and the first thing Cindy says is "I miss the way you used to be, I don't like you like this"

Everyone and their mother I come across say the same thing. I took a pic of myself and my brows aren't furrowed......I'm not getting it.

Maybe it's just the constant confusion I live under. I dunno. =(

I wish I was as happy as I was ,but I just don't feel it. I dunno =( Sorry and I'll try to get back to where I was once I figure it out.

Love,

Me

Lil Update

I went and deleted the posts I made in private. Was good to let my feelings out I suppose.

Real confused lately, does that suprise anyone? I think that's what my point was of going private. I can't really say how I really feel about things and I don't want to feel like I'm whining.

I'm to the point where I don't know how to feel. God is giving me lots of wisdom and I see clearly what huge mistakes I am making. I'm just not sure if I have the strength to start to change them or the will to want to. I do what I can, He will do what I can't.

I don't know what happened to me. My wants have changed greatly. I used to wish and pray for situations to work out and now I just want them to go away. I'm tired of acting like I care, when I do not. Then a cycle of guilt occurs, because I don't care. I try to make myself like people I do not like, then again guilt. It's like my feelings were shut off and there was nothing leading up to it. Just gone.

Tried explaining that to a few people this morning and I can't explain it. It's just where there was something, void.

Like Voldemort when he sucks the life out of everything. The unicorns, the people. He sucks it all out to keep his own life. That's how I feel. Empty.

Sorry my update wasn't better. 3 short months ago I was on top of the world and now I feel as if I'm on the very bottom.

Abba Father!

Love,

Dianna

Good bye for now =)

Saying good bye to blogging and going private. I have a lot I need to work out and I need to do it in private.

Maybe one day I'll make public again, but for now

Thanks =)

~di

Been Such A Long TIme

Good grief, I have worked my butt off this week. I'm just laying in my bed spending some time on the net =)

Things are going really well, same as before.

The date thing....Well, I told the guy I would go out with him... I told him to pick the place. Typical guy he picked a cabin in the woods for the weekend....I was like "Um, I told you I would go on a date with you, not go to a cabin with you."

He got upset with me. @@ This is me not caring that he is upset with me. C'mon...Seriously?

Talking to a new fella....We shall see how that pans out. I have no expectations going into it.

Hmmmmm....What else. Savannahs 9th birthday was today =D YAY!!

Got my first ever new car YAY =)

Lost my normal, on schedul 2.2 lbs this week.

Looking forward to next week, having a bit of free time and spending some much needed time with God.

I miss that time with my Papa =D

My flowers are all coming up and I can't use my camera =( ...

That's really about all the update I have for now. I'm sooooooooo tired, I can't hardly keep my eyes open.

Going to bed and gonna have some sweet, sweet dreams!

<3

~me

Blogging now, b/c next week I'm swamped

Today was wonderful and this evening just a slide...I'm exhausted. I'm sick of self-asorbed people...

Take, take, take but you never give...

That about sums up my evening.

I'm not really sure what to do. I am so confused. Tired of one sided friendships where I have to listen to them all the time.

I have to work 10 hr days all week. Monday - Friday...

I have really nothing to say....I can't think of anything nice so I'll restrict my comments to the weather.

Today was beautiful. Went bike riding, walked....

The end.

Selfish people stink.

The real end.

~Me