Friday, September 02, 2011

I Think I've Turned Into a Doubting Thomas.

I tell you what, it's amazing how one day you can have faith and then the next it's gone.

I have so much anger built up all around me and frustration coming out the wazoo.

Actually to say that I'm frustrated is an understatement.

My life, my kids life, my moms life...All in the toilet right now. Completely and totally in the toilet. All of us are struggling with severe depression, anxiety that is crippling and there is no support system around except each other..........A bunch of depressed hopeless people trying to help other depressed, hopeless people.

It's sad. I feel guilty for being angry at God. I could understand why things are so bad right now if I ran around kicking puppies or stealing candy from kids. If I abused children I could understand.

I've emailed a couple of people from church about my confusion, but I never hear back from them. Surprise. I have no one to turn to for answers and that's frustrating and I keep feeling like I want to just give up trying.

I've heard a lot about hanging with believers instead of people who don't believe. I tried that, but you know the ones who don't hide behind Christianity, seem to be more of a support than those who are "called" to help others.

I'm trying to hang on during this doubtstorm, not understanding anything. Being frustrating and trying trust God when I don't even think He likes me.

I base it on circumstances. If things are good, I'm more apt to believe that God loves me. But things are always crap and it's easier to believe that He doesn't.

I'm sad today.



1 comment:

MoonNStarMommy said...

God always loves you, hon. However, with that said, we have to remember that we have to go through things to learn and sometimes, we may not understand things, until long down the road, but we always learn things about ourselves, other people, humanity, etc - from things we go through. Maybe, your lesson, was that even though people says they are "called" to God to help others, SOME of them (not all of them) are still more interested about helping only themselves, and hide behind their "faith" ... but just remember, God always loves you, just as a parent teaching a unwilling child a lesson loves them.... ((HUGS)) Love ya!!