My first date with Richard

Oh boy!! All I can say is we went to the Prom.......
Let me first start by saying, it's super cold outside, I cannot go for a walk out there. The treadmill gave me a stress fracture in my ankle and the mall is for farty bossy women with strange objects growing out of their ass... What's a girl to do?
I open up my cabinet and out falls a Richard Simmons DVD Sweatin to the Oldies... I was really debating on what to do, looking up indoor walking tracks online. Either way I had to exercise.
I open it up, see a song list... think to myself, this can't be so bad there's 11 songs, lets try it.

I have never felt an urge of geekiness in my whole life.. I went into Anthonys room, patted my dogs and pushed them out of the room and shut and locked the doors.

Not sure if the neighbors could see the outline of my body and hear what I was doing in there but I didn't care. By goodness I was goin on a date with Richard.

We started out by watching his mom get hauled off in a police car.. Okay, he uses humor that was funny... This may not be so bad.

Dancin in the street was the first dance of our prom.. Not bad.. I felt a lil like Steve Martin the jerk.. Couldn't quite get the rhythm down, really focused on just exercising..

Beyond the Sea comes on and my eyes and mind start wandering... "what the hell kind of clothes are these people wearing?" Okay, I get that it was filmed in the 80s. Did we really dress THAT BAD? hideous

On Broadway comes, I am noticing that the movements and songs are getting progressively faster.. he's no Jane Fonda and doesn't explain what he's doing, you just better hope like hell you can keep up and learn the steps..He incorporates this move that I found oddly fun "Sizzle Fingers" yes you heard that right "Sizzle Fingers" It's sick itself that I enjoyed them.

It's my party comes on, I am really just busting my butt getting into it, when all of the sudden what appears? This woman wearing bright orange whos boobs were totally out of control. Someone needed to stop those suckers. Man they were wild. I have never seen a pair of boobs that out of control in my life. Did they not have sports bras back then? Those boobs were a menace to a decent society.

Peggy Sue comes on, they moved swirvy boobs to the back and in her place comes a smiley boy. He's just happy. We start doing some leg moves and I notice that Richards legs are so nice. He wears those really, really short pants and my brain wanders to "Where's his wing wing at" I mean normal people it would flop out, how does he keep his under control and he really needs to share his tips with Wild Boob Hancock.

Okay, Great Balls of Fire comes on and I am ponying to the left and hit my hip on Anthonys bed... Instead of yelping in pain I start doing sizzle fingers!! Ahhhhh they work!! Anthony knocks on the door, "Mom, what are you doing in there" I reply "Sizzle fingers boy, let me be" Then the dogs start scratching and sniffing under the door. They must sense the fun in the sizzle fingers!

Wipe out comes on and I start feeling an odd tingling sensation in my rear. I can barely keep up, although I am at this point sweating... I have gotten over Jiggly boobs and quit wondering where his weenie is and focusing on exercising and sizzle fingers. I put them into places in the songs they dont belong. They are FUN!

Just when things can't get any worse, He's a Rebel comes on and I hear a motorcycle, a guy who looks exactly like the dead guy on Weekend at Bernies pulls up and drops a chick off to sing. Even sizzle fingers don't make sense of that weirdness in an exercise video.

Personality comes on and I notice we are getting slower, I look around for Wild boob lady and she has disappeared.. Im thinking she must've hit herself in the eye with her breast and had to be carried off by the dead Weekend at Bernies guy... Hmm where did she go? Looking for her was like looking for Waldo, I looked all over but never saw her through that whole song.

Aint no mountain high enough wraps up our "date" Richard on the floor stretching his legs... I slowly start to realize that I need to "Sizzle Finger" My way into a straight jacket quickly and get help.

I opened up the door to exit the room, both dogs laying on floor at door ears perked up and both head cocked looking at me! Hmph!

I sure wish warm weather would come back because nothing beats walking.

Sigh, skinny people don't know how lucky they are.

Happy Monday!
The sun is shining!!
Life is good
Orange boobies wildly swinging are bad!
Love
Di

Sunday

I am so glad everyone goes back to school and work tomorrow and I get some peace and quiet. Woot! Been a long holiday!
Today was okay I guess. Got a ton of cleaning done, got the tree up and decorated. I didn't even get out a fourth of my Christmas decorations this year.... Not excited about it, don't care about it this year, just want it GONE.
Yes, I am a grinch.
My migraine still there a bit.... Along with it my stomach is hurting.
I have been going to bed really early, getting lots of sleep. Just haven't full recovered from that stupid cold I guess. I'm gonna live in a bubble I think. Safer that way.
Hmm, nothing else really going on. Just a quiet rainy Sunday evening. I didn't get to walk today... I didn't really want to my ankle is bothering me. Although I got the cleaning done and quite a bit so I guess that counts!
Happy Sunday
Life is good
Love
Dianna

I know it's been awhile

Been busy, been hectic. I think I wrote about my ankle swelling... went to the Immediate Care Center Wed. Night, had a stress fracture in it. Told me to stay off of it, but I haven't have been walking anyways. Not on the treadmill but around the neighborhood.

I'm very tired and very, very stressed. I have had kids non stop at my house since Wednesday night. We aren't talking one kid... This is what my house has looked like since Wednesday, take out tyler and Juans girlfriend who come in and out


Add my 2 dogs who off the excitement do this play fighting thing non stop... today I have a migraine UGH

I have no door on my bedroom. Juan is mad cause I said no on Jordan coming over. He gives me 20 kinds of grief... I think I have been more than kind to allow these boys over every day and they have also stayed all night. It's been 4 days... why aren't the other parents having them all over?

I haven't felt real well today, I Have a migraine. The noise.. the boys were constantly nagging me for haircuts, so I went and walked 2 miles then came back and cut their hair.....

I had a hard day yesterday. I spent alot of the day crying, just feeling like I am burden to everyone and that I'm not worth anything. The side effect of words. So, I go to moms, spend some time over there, clear my head.....

Today, Kyle and I were sitting down talking. The subject of Elmer comes up. Some of you may know of Elmer, some of you may not know of Elmer... Anyways... I had been talking on the phone with Elmer or something I dunno and Kyle said something about "I'm not stupid I have eyes and ears that still work" Okay.... So your eyes and ears still work... I haven't hidden anything. Elmer does not live in KY and I have never met him... So, I dunno what the deal was but Kyle said something to the effect of "Poor Elmer has to put up with you and doesn't even get any"
I was crushed. Absolutely crushed. Talk about insensitive comments... Then something was said about hunting and Elmer is away hunting and then Kyle said "Aw you gonna make him give up his hobbies too" I didn't realize I ever made Kyle give up any of his hobbies...That baffles the living crap out of me. So then he said "Poor Elmer, tell him to call me and we will compare notes"

I put my Ipod on and went out to cry.
I already feel awful about myself... I have been trying to pick myself up. I already feel like a lousy piece of crap and I haven't even done anything wrong. I don't think not loving someone justifies the hurtful comments. I was with kyle for 12 years and only Kyle. It's not like I was some lot lizard traveling around and around...comments that were so unwarranted and certainly not deserved.

I asked him what he wanted to know about Elmer, instead of just taking wild guesses about what he thought was going on...People always think they know everything. I didn't even know Elmer 2 years ago when all the divorce talk started.. I didn't even know Elmer a year ago when things got really bad... I didn't even know Elmer 6 mos ago when our house was hell on earth...

I absolutely am hating having to explain my actions and things I do to a man I am no longer married too. We should not even be living in the same house but for circumstances which are out of both our control we have to for awhile longer. It makes it tougher all around. Im tired of explaining myself period, seems people already have it in their head what they want to believe or what they think they know... so why bother. Like I said, I always feel like I am a burden to everyone all the time. Words hurt people.

So, on the way to moms yesterday, some trucker was driving like a maniac and I had to swerve from being hit .... Then out of no where, the thought pops into my head that "well, if i got killed that would probably be a big relief for alot of people" Why would I even think such a thought? I don't know where it came from at all, but it bugged me.

Then today.... I realize where it comes from. Words have beaten me down.

It's tiring trying to climb up after being knocked down repeatedly and repeatedly.... Good thing now I have help up that mountain, because I would've just fallen.

Onto a brighter note, I took some pics of Savannah at Thanksgiving and thought I would share



Happy Saturday
The sun is shining....still
love
Dianna

Wednesday

Hi, happy Wednesday. =) prayers still for Melody of Melzies Monologue.. her son Jordan is very sick, but today was moved out of ICU. He's having some memory loss, but is improving. So YAY!! Keep saying prayers for him. Melody is the most amazing woman I have ever in my life met. Caring, compassionate and whatever comes her way, she triumphs. I wish she lived closer. I still remember the first time I met her, we had such a great time and as her and Danny were getting in the van, we were all waving. I started crying and looked at her and she was in the van crying too. I love her. She will be in my life for ever. When I or her win the lottery we are going to go invade Amish country get our quilts and a winnebago and travel the US...
One day Melody Little, we will go on our trip. One day.

Hmm... Well, last night, my ankle started swelling up.. I did nothing to it other than switch from the street walking to the treadmill.. this morning it was still swollen. I got up and cleaned the house from top to bottom through a horrendous stomach ache. GAG. Then still swollen. Hung curtains in Juans room, mopped floors. Took a puter break, went out and walked a mile on the street. Still swollen. Hmmm..

Kids are all home for Thanksgiving break. Juans at Chriss. His friends have been staying more here. Since there's not anymore tension between Kyle and I, it's an easier time to have people over. God, I remember one day Anthony had his friend Joey over and we were going at it and UGH i bet Anthony was so embarrassed. So, it's nice now all that tension is gone. All his friends call me mom and say Love ya!! so it's cute!

Umm.......... today got my divorce dissolution.. So we are no longer married. That's really all there is to report.
Life is really, really good.
I can't complain.
The sun is shining.
Happy Wednesday and Enjoy your Thanksgiving.
Remember to say prayers for Jordan
Love,
Dianna

Happy Monday

Owoooooo! Happy Monday!! It's raining out... Yesterday was a nice day so I walked around my hood! YAY! This morning I woke up to rain and cold and thought mall/treadmill.. Treadmill won! I usually avoid the treadmill because after I get off of it and my dizziness problems... usually throws me into a tail spin of anxiety. But got on... Alternated jogging for 5 min, walking for 5 min... did it on an incline. Man, I feel pull and tightness in muscles I didn't when walking around the blocks or in the mall. I feel good. Did it for an hour! So YAY!! I did have some anxiety after I got off, but once I got the feeling off, Im settling down. It feels so good to work out, If I don't do it, I find myself not being able to get it out of my head. My clothes are falling off. =) I'm loving it and its coming off slowly, but I didn't put it on overnight, so it's not gonna come off overnight.
Even though it's raining. The sun is shining.
Life is good
Very good.
Happy Monday!
Love,
Di

Confessions of a first time mall walker

Okay, I tried to walk the hood yesterday afternoon, but it was freezing and snow. It didn't work out. I devised a plan... I'll wake up in the morning, get Savannah off to school and go......... MALL WALKING insert flashing lights and cool sound effects in there when saying that.

.... I get to the mall.... I had no flipping clue mall walking was a cult of sorts for senior citizens. It was worse than Krogers on Wednesdays. I felt so out of place. Had my purse, my green tea, my ipod....

I merge into the oncomming traffic... there were so many people in matching pants and jackets, I started checking them all for sponsor patches. I expected to see Metamucil sponsors or oat bran... but nothing. I didn't know how the mall walking worked. The confusion on my face must've been obvious because a lil lady walked past me, very quickly I might add, then turned and came back to me...

"Are you new here" she says... "Aye!" I say... So she gives me the low down on how many times is a mile and every nook, every cranny. Told me I was going to burn up in my clothing, my shoes were the wrong kind for that floor and that she had a cherry tomato hemorrhoid on her rear end, so she's doing all the walking she can before the removal of her bodily fruit. "Alma" seems to have a ton of friends around here, they are all talking to her in some 'wall malking' code LOL and she's fast......after she fills me in she takes off.

Was like a Derby.. This lil man on a walker leaves me in his dust and catches up to Alma and her cronies... I wish I had my camera.. It was so packed... I get behind this one lady and her hubby I guess, I couldn't pass them at my pace, but OMG she kept passing SBD farts... I was in her wind and omg I don't know what was wrong with her, but omg.... I would pass her and then she would pass me and pass gas at the same time... I have a very easy gag reflex and started gagging and trying not to throw up... So they all turn to go down a corridor, I don't go down the corridor to avoid the stink bombs... Alma pokes her head out behind a Trout of Northern America Calendar and tells me that I need to do the corridors... How do I say.. Um Alma.. the lady keeps passing gas... So the lady catches back up.. Alma pats her on the back and says "Petunia, good to see you" ..... Okay is it a joke that fart lady is named petunia or is her name really Petunia? I break away from Alma and Petunia and move a lil faster....

2nd time around, Alma was right my feet are killing me... I open my phone to check the time... Here comes Alma... "You need one of these " She says pointing to the gadget on her arm with a clock, radio, blood pressure and who knows pill dispenser... I was not amused...
On the 2nd time around I slowly started feeling the urge to go to the bathroom... OMG I was following these people developing their habits... I saw the food court up ahead.. All the men gathered at a table, one chair empty.. All of them right in front of Victoria Secrets probably oogling over the panties in the window. All of us walkers are heading the same direction ... to the bathroom. My Gosh, I have old people bladder... Wait in line, toilets flush.. round 3 begins.

I was burning up hot, Alma was right... She comes past me again, "you need to leave your purse in the car" Under my breath I whisper "Shut up Alma, you have a mater' growing on your ass " My feet were killing me... Alma mater' ass was right. Then low and behold behind the same trout of Northern America Calendar comes Petunia... She is in front of me... this time lets loose an audible fart... I thought I was going to vomit on myself. I eventually make it past and then get closer to the food court and OMG I have to pee again.... The same group of ladies and mens all head for the restroom again. It is for certain, I now have old people bladder.

So I come out of the bathroom, the mens all still oogling at the VS pannies... one chair still open... All this place lacks is bingo balls and a caller... I head out for another lap, no petunia, no alma... Ahhh.. Quiet walk. I spot Santa off in the distance...I say good morning to him as he is preparing to sit in his chair for the day. He says "Ya mall walking?" I say "indeed" He says "I never mess with em" Evidentally he's met Alma and Petunia..

So I enjoy my last lap, come to the food court to close out my mall walking trip... the same group of men... In the empty spot ALMA... She is the mall walking cult leader. Kinda like the Hale bop of the mall.. I did not want any of their kool aid. My bladder full again.. I run to the restroom again..... then decide to leave before I develop menopause....

I hate cold weather... I miss my hood walking. Not sure if I will go back for more mall walking. May have to go at a different time.

Happy Friday.
Good luck having the mater' cut off your rear Alma...
Petunia... See a Dr about whatever died in your rear.
Life is good..
The Sun is Shining
Love,
Di

Wednesday

Howdy!! not much happening. Been colllllld out. Couldn't walk yesterday with the chest cold and all so I did dancing with the stars DvD.. Hmm is all i can say about that. My treadmill is down in Kyles room and won't fit in mine so argh!!! Today was warm enough to walk, so I donned my walking shoes once again and off I went. Did almost 2 miles, but got to where I was coughing so bad I called it quits. It's totally amazing how after that becomes a habit you really feel guilt and stuff when you don't do it. Yesterday it was on my mind all day over and over like I gotta do it I gotta do it. 21 days i think they say to form a habit! Argh!
Um.... getting ready to shower I suppose and the kids will be home from school soon. Savannah wanted her hair curly again. Boy thats rough business getting a formal hair do at 7 am every morning. I think I'm going to buy her some cool new barettes or something. Um... lets see..... Puffs with lotion ROCK.
Life is good
The sun is shining indeed
Love,
Di

An addition to Tuesday

Have to share something with you guys that I LOVE LOVEEEEEE. As you guys know Melzie, I have talked about Melzie a ton, I met her on line when we were pregnant with our babies and have actually met in person a few times.
We both members of a Yahoo group called Freecycle, basically its area based and people give away stuff they don't need and stuff stays out of the landfills. I have given so much stuff away on there, that I would otherwise thrown in the trash.... Anywhoo... Well, me and Mel have kinda "bonded" over peoples spelling and grammer errors. Us being the Scrabble champions we are... well... Some of it is hysterical. So now its just a game to us and we fwd the bad spelling ones and make stories up about them. It started with a lady offering up some Ciggrate (cigarette) coupons and some Goonites (good nites) then gosh it turned into so much stuff and we always incorporate our ciggrates and goonites into it... Like a couple days ago someone was in need of a Waher (washer) she did not know it was spelled with an S because she mispelled it through the whole email. today it was some Free Dented can Reed kidney beans. So I send her an email telling her I will need a waher to wash my goonites cause Im gonna eets me some reed kidney beans... There have been Overhauls left on the front porshe... Anyways, I stay subscribed to Freecycle now just for the spelling....
Had to share because I look forward every day to people misspelling so me n mel have something to email about.
Off to smoke some more Ciggrates, put my goonites on and eet my reed beans. Then I'll have some more dirty goonites for my waher. It will be okay cause I got some overhauls off a front porshe.
Happy Day.
Watch your spelling, you could end up on our list.
Love
di

Tuesday =)

Feeling a weensy bit better. Gonna clean today I suppose. Got up and Savannah decided she wanted curly curls... Well... lets just say I spent an hour this morning curling each lil curly curl. She wore her Little House on the Prarie dress as she called it. She usually likes to be Mary, but today she wanted to be evil Nelly... So Nelly it is. She looked adorable.
I have already been to the grocery and starting on my/Savannahs bedroom. It was already clean, but Im tidying up more.
Juan got suspended from school. A boy started a food fight with him, threw chili all down his back... Juan got very mad, threw broccoli cheest at the boy, the the boy hit him in the face with something. If you know Juan, you don't throw or touch the kids face... Well, Juan pushed him... The one boy got suspended for 5 days, Juan for 3. I'm not too happy about it and going to make him a very long chore list to keep his school hours busy.
Happy Day.
Life is good
Dianna Lynne

Sunday....

Still sick. Yes, that's right. Yesterday I reached my frustration point with this flu. I can't quit coughing, my voice is GONE GONE GONE. Grrrrr. Over a week I have had it, anytime it can leave now and it will NOT hurt my feelings. Just moved my puter up to my room. The boys puter desk was about to crash to the floor, so I gave them my desk so now they can sit in the living room and watch TV and compute.
Yesterday was my baby boys birthday 14 years old. YAY! =) We went to moms for a very small party. Him and his friend Patrick stayed all night there. I came home laid in bed and was out ouf it. I don't even remember much of yesterday. Coughing, I remember that.
Happy Sunday.
Love to all.
If any of you want this flu, I will share.
Di =)

We Wed Wednesday

Still sick, grumble grumble. This morning every time I swallowed felt like golf balls were in my throat.... Had to go back downtown to court. Circled downtown for 30 min having to pee, looking for parking. Parked illegally walked 6 city blocks to go to the court house and ran to the restroom. I liked to never of made it. That was rough, I tell you what.
Finished all my papers, turned in my certification for the classes.... Was about to put them in the F 8 box when the clerk was coming to pick up that box and take them to the judge and they took my lil papers with them.
So, I'm officially done doing stuff. Karen said she did hers in same time frame and hers was finalized on Dec. 11, so we shall see. Either way it's done.
WoW has been down for 2 days. I have been so bored. Walked a lot, cleaned alot and been sick alot. Guess Ill go find something to do.... not many options with the rainy yuck weather. May be a movie day.
Happy Wednesday.
Life is good.
Love,
Di

Howdy on a Tuesday

Hmm not much goin on today high lighted my hair, well had someone do it for me I should say. Man it's amazing a lift you get from doing something small. That took a couple few hours, came home ate lunch then went on a LOONG LOONG walk in the freezing cold drizzle. Brrrr. Only did 2 miles abouts today. With my cold, I didn't really feel like being out in the muck.
Tried to go to the court house to finish up my divorce stuffs..... Well, it's veterans day.. They are closed.
Happy Veterans day
Happy Tuesday
Life is wonderful.
The sun is indeed shining
love,
Di

Tis Monday

Im sleepy...zzz this cold doesnt seem to be improving, just moving to different areas. My throat is wicked sore and my voice is going. Sigh.
The divorce class went great. Got my stuffs, turning it into the courts tomorrow.
Yesterday went to moms, then to my aunt sues, then Savannah wanted to go to the mall. Juan wanted to meet his girlie friend there and his friend Patrick had stayed all night.... So me and Savannah covered the whole mall, she's a true blue shopper. Ooof!! Juan, Patrick and his girlfriend I guess walked around and did their teen thing. Anthony didn't want to go.. I can't get him out of his PJs lately. He pretty much does nothing but guitar hero. I recognize it, depression. Been there, done that. So gotta work on trying to get him out of his funk.
After the mall, I came home, Kyle took Savannah out and I played WoW and then crashed. Was a long day.
Today I woke up, have cleaned some, went and walked for over an hour. Getting ready to shower. The kids will be home soon and need to plan some supper.
life is good.
Happy Day
di

Have had

Savannahs cold/flu..whatever it was. started with stomach stuff, then nose, throat, fever... yesterday I laid in bed alot. Have to go to that class this morning. I don't want to. It being court ordered, I have no choice. My head is killing me. I'm tired. Wahh.
I just want this cold gone gone gone. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Happy Day
Love
di

Thursday

This week has flown by. Went to post office this morning and shopped at Walmart for awhile. Washing all my bed covers. Mopped the floors. Ate lunch. Going to go out walking. It's a nice day and fixin to turn very cold. Enjoying it while it lasts. I'm over yesterday. I can't deal with everything I have on plate and then worry about what people are saying about me or thinking about me. I know what happened, Kyle knows what happened. I don't really care anymore.
Happy Thursday
Life is Good
Di

How do rumors get started?

Okay, I wasn't going to blog about this at all, because frankly it's no ones business but my own and Kyles... But seems rumors are getting out of control. I'm not sure who started them, but I am putting them to an end right now.

I NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER had an affair on Kyle, I was extremely loyal to him for the 12 years we have been together. Even in the last 2 when we have had the worst ride of our lives, I never talked to, nor slept with anyone. Not even Kyle...

If you hear something.... Think of the source... Think of what context things are heard in.. Think would Dianna really do that? I went without intimacy,kissing.. you name it... for almost 2 years and NEVER EVER EVER even considered an affair.

I wll not go on a date, actual date like going out and doing whatever it is you do on dates, until my divorce is final.

Our marriage was always filled with alot of stress and alot of arguing. On both ends it got to where too many bridges had been burned and our children were being severely affected by the arguing.

If I am talking to someone now.... that is totally within my rights to do so. I will not meet, nor be with anyone intimately or otherwise.... ANYONE..... until my divorce is final and have prided myself on doing so and really worked hard at maintaining my reputation. Seems its always assumed that someone just had an affair, but sometimes things just dont work out. Its not always the womans fault... in this case things just didn't work and too much aruging. No adultry.. No affairs. I have heard it from more than one source (a few actually) and I am absolutely disgusted that anyone would think such a thing.

Grumble Grumble......

I haven't left the house in over a year, and it burns me up that anyone would think that. I Have laid in bed and cried night and day for over a year at my unhappiness and again for anyone to even think such a thing. Makes me ill.

Grumble Grumble......

Happy Wednesday

Been busy this morning. zzzzzzzz. I have Savannahs cold and it's messin with my nose. Achoo. O.o
Savannah went back to school today as did the boys. She's feeling alot better, but still got a wicked bad cough.
Went to a lil Dollar store this morning... then to Kroger for some groceries. Then to best buy to pre order WoW.. they were out, then went to Game stop, then to Target.. I'm home, trying to decide whether or not to clean again and do laundry or sit on my butt.... I could always shower.
Happy Day.
Life is good.
Di

Been busy today

Putting away summer clothes, packing up stuff I know won't be used until after I move. I got up at 8:15 and haven't stopped since. Cleaning out Savannahs dresser and closet, getting her winter clothes out. She's feeling better today, but anytime she gets up and moves around, she gets a horrendous cough. Yesterday, since Daylight savings time, it got dark early. I couldn't walk early because I was with Savannah and the boys were gone, so when Kyle got home I went out to walk. Johnny came by and I came in and talked to him for a bit then went back out walking in the dark. It was kinda nice walking at night. Gave everything a bit more interest. Seeing the houses I pass routinely at night, seeing the moon instead of the sun. I think I'll go back again at night. Was a very nice switch.
Life is good.
Love,
Di

Melzie tagged me

Top 7 websites I go to... Hmmm

One is my email Nannabird@aol.com....... Im always checking me mail.
www.worldsofwarcraft.com Of course i gotta play my WoW
Melodys Blogger
Google
Itunes
This Blogger
Um... 1 900 spank ME LOL jk... i dunno I guess hmmm my photo blog

Not sure if I like

this Daylight Savings Time business. It's almost 5 and about dark. Savannah was sick all last night and sick today. I took her to the Dr. Ears infected, sinus infection, respiratory infection.... She has ran a fever all last night all this morning and all this afternoon. We came home from Dr. and crashed and burned. She woke up for a bit then crawled in bed with me and we slept some more. I hate when she's sick. :( Nothing else going on.
Happy Day
Love,
di

Saturday

The totally cutest witch ever


This is Savannah on Halloween. I told her to make a real scary face LOL. She's too cute to be scary. Getting ready to go to those divorce classes. 3 hrs this saturday and 3 hrs next saturday... then Kyle has to go 3 different nights with Savannah. Poor Savannah gonna get 12 hrs of classes. Then that goes to the judge and divorce can be granted.
Not much else happening. Just hanging out, walking, sleeping, dogs barking.
Have a Happy Saturday.
Love,
Di

Toofs (or lack thereof)

She is soooooooooooo stinking cute with no teeth. I almost wish she could stay like that. Makes my heart skip a beat everytime she smiles at me.

Happy Sunday

Hi. Happy Sunday. Today has been okay I guess. Very long. I'm very tired. Yesterday the tooth I went to the dentist for broke. Imagine that.... So I call them, they tell me they can fix it tomorrow. Oookk..
Anyways.
Happy Sunday
Love,
Di

Happy Thursday

Awww Tooth relief. Went to the dentist. I had too...... I had very bad infection and had to have a root canal blah blah blah. This one went so easy, I dont know if it was because i was in so much pain or other reasons. I wasn't even scared. Went to bed very early, got all rested. Taking enough antibiotics to kill a small horse, but hey!! I feel better. Things are going okay lately. Yesterday first day in over a month I did not exercise, I feel so much guilt gonna double time it today. Gonna do 2 miles this morning then try for 3 this evening.
Happy Tuesday
Sarah I sent you an email darlin but not sure if i Had the right addy. I wanna talk to you. Love you much.

Happy Day
Love
dianna

If I live to be 101

I will never forget what was done for me this morning. Ranks up there pretty close with the nicest. Definitley ranks top as the sweetest. Simply amazing.
Thank you.
Love =)
Di
And Yonkerbelle


Why are there so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
And rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.


Who said that every wish would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it,
And look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.


All of us under its spell,
We know that it's probably magic...


... Have you been half asleep? And have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
... Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm s'posed to be...
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.


Laa, da daa dee da daa daa,
La laa la la laa dee daa doo...

Been

Up all night with a toothache. It hurts so bad I can't even focus.
I'm sad.
Love
di

Tuesday!

Sleepy this morning. Savannahs back to school. YAY! No more fever or sicks. I kinda got a bit of her cold, but not too bad. Just enough to be annoying at times. Going to clean all morning. I need to get some boxes to start packing up some of my belongings. As much as I have moved in my life, I should be used to it. I am very tired of moving. Lets see if I can recount all my addys....
Tallow Lane
E. Washington street the 808 one
E. Washington street the 1401 one
Rochester Drive
McKinley Drive
Taylor Blvd
E. Kentucky Street
Ft. Knox
San Antonio, Thousand Oaks
E. Kentucky Street again LOL I see a pattern developing
Ft. Belvoir VA Meeres Road
Back to Ky I think this time on Emil Ave.
Center for Women and Families
S. 6th street
Washington park the first one
Washington park the second one
Mackie Lane
Sam Drive
Invicta Ave
Current.

I think that may be all of them. Now one more to add to the list.
Okay, I gotta go clean. Just trying to update more frequently because I get alot of emails wondering if I'm okay. Good days and bad days as so it goes with anger.
Today is a good day.
Happy tuesday.
Love,
Nanners

Secrets, Words and Hiding.....

This is probably going to be long. So I forewarn you.
Many who know me, know I keep secrets. Many, Many, Many secrets. Even Kyle I lived with for 12 years has told me that I am emotionally numb and share nothing and I withhold affection etc.
No one really knows me.
My aunt came and walked with me last week and she was really concerned about the things I keep bottled up and don't share. It's hard. I'm tired of it.

The reason I do it, has been proven to me over and over. You give someone a part of yourself and you let them in. Give them information thinking that you can trust them. Especially when that person is your husband. One fight and they kick all your personal stuff right back into your face.

This thing with Kyle... Way back when we spoke of getting divorced a year and a half or more at the zoo... Words can not be erased. The words he and others have said to me stick in my head. It was much easier being hit. Much. Pain was overwith faster and I wasn't left with the junk in my head.

Kyle on several occassions verbally has beat me down so bad that I was left in the bed crying for days. He knows this. He will admit to it. He has apologized for it. Sorry, may be a temporary fix, but it doesn't erase the words. Today, this morning was a perfect example of that.

He has made references more than once, about me being a bad mom. Those are the ones that hurt the most and I spend time after time after time in my head trying to replace the words I hear from him. Words from each fight stick out in my head. When Kyle and I first met. I had no computer. NONE. Zip. Zero. I was in an apt run by the battered womens shelter. I had No money. I hadn't a pot to piss in. I have journals and journals of me writing about how hard things were. How I had trouble every day just driving a mile to get Anthony from school. I have a disability. I have anxiety and panic disorder. It is real and it has slowly destroyed my life. He married me/dated me knowing this. I could not go to many school plays. I had no computer. I sat home, upstairs in anthonys window watching the cars go by, crying and writing in my journals about how I wish I could be out there. My computer Kyle was watching out that window. How many times when we were together did you come home and find me watching out that window?

We move out to Washington park. Again no computer. I still have trouble even getting my kids a block away. Sometimes on good days I take them bowling, we go out. Stuff like that. Not to mention the fact from the very day that I met Kyle I have been in severe financial distress. I tried working at Fantastic Sams... Tried and tried, but I got so dizzy that I kept almost fainting. Again... You think you were disappointed. Amplify that by 20000 and imagine the guilt I feel upon myself.
Sometimes at Washington park I would have a good day. I could walk up and down the walk way or do this and that. It took me 5 full years of going to the store a little bit at a time, to just NOW, just this year, be able to go and stay and not worry every aisle if I am going to have a panic attack and have to leave. Do you know what its like to panic going through the store? I think now you know. Good thing for you, yours was only temporary.

So....... Here I am. 20 notebooks deep in writing and watching out the window about how I can't do anything. I feel so much guilt because I can't give my boys the life they deserve. I sit and I cry. Cry. I have cried probably almost every single day. Not many pass when I do not. Depression. It's real.

So, back a few fights. Kyle and I were arguing. The personal attacks comes. The thing about that one that stood out other than the screaming. Is someone screaming at you...he was mocking me or what have you saying... "Oh I can't take savannah anywhere because, i might have a panic attack, I might get dizzy" It was done in the most hateful voice, whining like at at the top of his lungs. I hear it and I see it over and over and over and over. A few weeks later Karma came to bite him in the ass, he had panic attacks so bad and depression so bad, he could not get up off the couch. He would have them wake up throwing up. Do it for 12 years straight......... then you have someone make fun of you for it. It KILLED Me insdie. KILLED Me. to have someone who is supposed to support you take the thing you hate most about yourself and just throw it in your face. You know it's real. You know I didn't fake my anxiety disorder. I wouldn't throw away my whole entire life to get out of going to a school play.

Again Words....

So the time comes and we get a computer. Do you have any idea what a computer is like to an anxious person who not only has no money but no social life? It becomes a world opened up and someone to talk to.

I met my March Mommy group. From that point on I started playing the computer alot. Funny... nothing was said when I was watching TV all those years, it just happens when I socialize... Computer is used against me also. Those March mommies saved my life. I didn't feel like a nobody anymore. I was encouraged to get out and try stuff. Alot of them struggle with some degree of panic, anxiety and depression. Most of us suffer from extremely low self esteem. But the thing is, we all.....ALL are there for each other. Even after 7 years. Friends. Something I lacked before.

2 years ago I started playing Toon Town. That was also used against me. Again, people I had fun with and that made me laugh so hard. I have a husband that comes home from work and immediatley would sit on the couch and sleep. We watch a movie... He sleeps. No attention. I have blog entries from years back about how I wake up crying in the middle of the night and I am extremely lonely. I tried explaining this to Kyle. It did of no good. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. I was lonely. So I played Toon Town. Now, I play WoW.... It's like an extended family on there also. We have so much fun, laughing, goofing off...... and it's time I'm not spent crying.

So this last fight a few things stick out over and over and over and over. Words go swirling in my head that I have a hard time replacing. One is when he went to the refrigerator and said, when was the last time you put food in here? I rescued your sorry ass out of a shelter and somehow I wrecked YOUR Life? That line is the one that gets me the most... Im not sure if you thought you could be some sort of hero. First of all...... I wasn't in the shelter when you met me. I was in a housing program they ran, i paid 27.00 a month for an extremely, nice huge townhouse. YOU encouraged me to move to Washington park and get out of there so we could live together etc. You didn't rescue me. I was making it on my own. Did you think somehow you would change my anxiety attacks? If you haven't figured it out by now... its done with love, compassion and caring, not hateful words and not yelling at me. That made me worse.

The other thing is when he nicely walked over to my computer and said "Savannah isn't your world....... this is your world right there"
.... Maybe to some degree it is a HUGE part of my world. It was one of the first places I ran after that fight for some support from my friends. It is sadly all I have. Would anything be said if I watched movies all day? I'm confused on what it is I'm supposed to be doing. I clean ALOT... I take care of the house... What is it Im supposed to be doing?

Only few people know what I am going to write below. So to the rest of you SUPRISE... Things are that bad

You know, I have spent days and days off the computer. When you have a girl. Me. Who has no money unless she makes some from pictures, cleaning etc..... What do you expect me to do? How many times has your WIFE run out of gas taking Savannah to the bus stop because she didn't have enough gas to make it a block. Did you offer ever to give me any money? I think I recall in 12 years you have never given me money that wasn't asked for. Ever. And even asked for you have given it to me a few times. I'm not saying I'm miss perfect at all, but I'm giving my reasons of why it is I'm in the position I am in. Yet chastized for it. So every day for over a year and a half, my car has been on empty or below. What do you suggest I take the kids to do? No money, no gas??? Anthony and Juan are above board games. They want to be with their friends. The past 4 years I have made so many strides in overcoming this anxiety disorder. I haven't missed many school functions til lately when I have to pick and choose what to do because every time we get it the van we argue. I have come so far with my anxiety stuff. Im not fully there, but depression has now taken me over. This year I have been on the computer way more than others... One fact you didn't know is, it was to keep from arguing. If I am removed from the situation and focused on something else... I can not argue. We all have had enough in this house. Now I just go for walks.

When someone can monopolize a childs time, because they have money and resources to do so, it leaves another person feeling like total crap. So Kyle can take her to Six Flags.... He has gas to get there and money to do that stuff. I do not. I have 2 kids that do not have lunch money at all. They go to school and most of the time do not eat breakfast and then they go without lunch. They both come home and go to eat something. The good stuff is hidden for savannahs snacks or lunch.... so they eat whatever they want. Then Kyle gets home and a fight breaks out about they eat everything in the whole entire house. About the comment about putting food in the fridge, I went to the store more than you thought I did. I bought all the stuff to clean with. Every single bit of it. Let me tell you that stuffs not cheap. I went once a month and bought groceries.. I did what I Could. I worked my ass off just to be able to do that. Then to use it against me. I remember stuff being hidden food wise at my dads... but my mom never ever hid our food. I never got into trouble for eating anything.... So that concept of the fights that break out over my kids eating in this house make me stark raving mad and I had no clue what to do about it.

Stress. Anxiety. Words. Juans been wearing the same pair of old contacts because He's too afraid to ask his dad to buy them. The root canal costed a fortune. Anthony has had the same shoes for 2 years but doesn't even open his mouth to complain becuase he knows I do not have the money. The day before school, this year, he sat down in the rocker next to me and I was crying and he said "Momma, I don't need new shoes, I can wear these ones" no complaints. Nothing. It was a relief. I had done some senior pics, one set didn't work out... So the extra money I had been counting on, didn't pan out fully. Leaving me scrapped.

This past year has been awful for me. The mold made me really, really sick. It took away a year of my life, combined with anemia. Did I get up and move much? Probably not. Ever try anemia on? Combine it with anxiety and depression. There was a point earlier this year. First time ever in my life, I wanted to just take a bottle of pills and never wake up. That thought scared me, that things were that bad, that I had wanted to die. I figured my kids would be better off without me. Its hard to get your life straight when you have so much coming at you and more people throwing words upon words at you. That feeling lasted awhile and I apologized to God over and over again. I would never do it, but wanted to. I wanted to die. The guilt I feel about not having the money to take my kids out to eat or to fun places is extreme. It's easier to take one out than it is to take 3 out. Savannah and I have developed our own thing. Just because I can't monopolize her time with money doesn't mean I can't or don't love her.

Every day we sit around the table and pray together. Somedays she doesn't wanna say prayers, but I will say mine and usually she will come around if I bless the geeky dogs and she will combat my geeky dog prayer with her, good dog prayer. We have been praying together for years. It's just not something I share with anyone. I didn't ever know that I had to. I thought they were private moment shared between a mother and child. Til the time comes when comments are made about how nothing is done with the children.

Savannah and I every day sometimes the boys write little notes on the board to each other. Juan, I sneak into his back pack and write him notes to have a good day or I hope that he's doing okay. He has anxiety attacks at school. So I figure it might put a smile on his face to see a note from mom, being goofy. Lately I schedule my walks at times I know Juan will be out.... Me and Savannah start out and we walk. We sing a song and dance down the block. I drop her off at jannas to play with her and the twins. On my 2nd time around, I see Juan off in the distance, I start to smile as does he.... we make goofy comments from a distance... then as we get closer we hug each other and love each other. Just a moment between us. I look forward to them. Then Savannah on my trips around, I stop and hug her and we share gum. Little things that are free.

Every morning this summer, I would wake up before Savannah and I would kiss her on her head, sometimes pick her up and hold her. Rock her. We would tell each other stories. Again Loved her.

Anthony and I have a music connection. He sits at the kitchen computer and I at the living room one and we will discuss songs, he will play his guitar and I will tell him my feed back on it. Anthony has a pretty tough wall up. A lil harder to joke and cut up with. He doesnt wanna do much with me anymore. If i ask him to go to the store or something, hes like no way. Hes got chicks, my space and joe satriani to contend with.

A comment was made during the last fight, about how one day savannah didn't have lunch and she had called kyles mom and his mom wanted to know why that baby didn't have lunch.

Funny, the one day I probably didn't make lunch, i get chastized for. Forget the 20 million i have made lunch for. Also funny about how nothing is ever said about the 2 that do not have lunch every single day.

All this comes from this morning.... Savannah is sick, fever, stuffy nose etc. In the middle of the night she had wanted to sleep with me so I took her in my bed. He walks in to check her forehead...I make a comment something like......What I can't see if my own daughter has a fever? He was just checking her head, but words all the words about me being such a bad mom....... My defenses kicked in. I got to find some way but the words are so powerful.

I know I'm not a bad mom. I have been here every day for my kids. WHen they get home from school, when they wake up, when they go to sleep. I have been here. I don't have the money to show them that way, but I do a ton of little stuff to show them that I do indeed love them. Just because I don't share everything about myself and for good reason. Doesn't make me a bad mom. You ever see the way the kids flock around me when I pick up my sketch book and pencils? They all get excited because I do draw well and they wanna see what Im doing. Savannah drew an I love you on the board to me and had a girl crying and I said savannah whats that? She said I love you and I drew you crying because you always are. I just want you to konw I love you so you dont cry anymore. Was sweet. When I cry about money, she's going to get her piggy bank and telling me I can have hers.


Sweet Savannah. The thing she says most about her in her prayers is for a real family to sit down and eat at the same table. So I make it a point now to eat 1 meal with her at the table. We have never ever sat down as a family to eat dinner. Ever. I can't recall a time.

Kyle and I both agreed that I would be a stay at home mom with Savannah. That's a sacrifice parents make both ways. Even then, I had to come up with my own money. I babysat, I cleaned. I remember at one time, i was making more than Kyle. Went to the grocery every single week, never asked him for money. When I had his car out would fill it with gas. Thats what a marriage is about. I never once complained about it. I bought all the kids shoes, i bought their toys. ALL of it. Paid half of every single bill. Paid half the rent. It even bothered Kyle at one point that I made more money than him. I never ever complained about picking up the extra stuff.

I think thats why they throw the line in the marriage vows about for richer, for poorer, for sickness and in health, in good times and bad. They are there for a reason because sometimes in marriage you do have to carry the other person.

The year I get sick and can do nothing, I am sailed down the river. Funny how the years I took more than my fair share of responsibility are forgotten. The worst year of my life being sick and broke is the one every one will remember. Unfortunatley I had no one to help me out. My mom did what she could do within reason. I was only allowed to sink. I'm not sick anymore. I have a good handle on panic attacks and I have an excellent support system. I have no doubts that I will be okay and never again will I put myself in such a vulnerable situation.

Words hurt. Id rather be punched in the face.

So off to try to dispell every bad thing I have heard with a good one....

All from an innocent fever checking.

If you get this far you need a cookie or something.

Happy Monday
Love
di

Long Day

Lots of paper work. I signed my name sooooooooooooo much, my hand actually hurts. Divorce is filed. We have to complete FIT class (families in transition) then once the court is sent the paperwork that we attended the classes with the kids, the paper work goes to the judge and poof done.
I go on November 1st. Kyle hasn't made his appt yet. But we can not go on same day.
Not much else going on. That took literally ALL day. I'm wiped.
Came home, made some phone calls. Exercised. Now sitting on my butt. First time I Have sat down to relax all day. May go soak in the tub.
Happy Um Friday.
Love,
Dizie

Hmmm

I'm numb emotionally. Just got home from lawyers. Some people I don't see how they lay their heads down at night on a pillow to sleep. You have 2 kids that basically starve 5 days a week. 2 kids that have nothing at all.. Clothes, shoes... they get from others. Then you take and throw a big curve to the one that is trying to do what she can to help the 2 that are going without so much.... Maybe that is why you have so many anxiety attacks at night. I couldn't sleep with myself either....
Thanks.... Thanks... and Thanks again....
Hope you have sweet dreams and you lay your head on your pillow tonight with a clear conscious....

=)
What comes around......... Goes around...
Like clockwork.

Tuesday Evenin

Doing alot better today. Tired as all get out, but much better. Yesterday wasn't a complete wash out. I went for an extremely long walk yesterday. LONG. There is this very old couple. I have to say they are in the 80s or there abouts... they were walking up and down their drive way. I stop to talk to them quite frequently. I always tell them I can't wait to see them hitting the road. Well.....Yesterday I come around the corner and see them on the road walking down the street. I stop and talk to them and the old man has something tucked under his arm. I say WOW you did it!! he pulls out this LARGE chilled bottle of whiskey and I say "what you got there?" He says "Honey this is my joy juice, when i get to the end of the block, I'm gonna need a few shots to get back home" Totally made me LOL!
Then an hour later, Savannah and her friends were walking with me. There's this little girl named Haley. She is absolutely adorable. I am walking telling Savannah to stay out of the road and such and giving her instructions. Haley says "Savannah you are lucky to have such a nice mom" I said well Haley I'm sure you have a nice mom too. She looks at me with these sad, sad eyes and said "My mom didn't want me when i was born, my aunts pass me around when they are tired of me I go to a different aunts" Broke my heart. Very, very sad. She's so sweet. Sigh.
Tonight I guess I'm gonna play on the net for a bit, get work I have been avoiding done. Just do stuff. We have appt with the lawyers at 12:15 and then the big appt friday. Wish me luck.
Happy Tuesday!
Love,
Di

Mood owooooo

I'm in such a foul mood. It started last night and just so much anger build up and I don't know how to get rid of it. It's like I go through these periods after every fight and the words beat me down so bad where I am a zombie for a week and now I'm so angry I'm shaky. Gonna be a long day.
I need to clean today. I have no desire. I can't keep up on this house. I'm exhausted beyond belief. I'm still exercising,but yesterday I had to force myself every inch of the way.
Had to take Juan yesterday to finish yet another root canal. Grumble, grumble.
Kyle and I are throwing emails off to one another. I'm getting mad. I should just stop. I know I need to stop but holy fuck I'm so mad I'm in tears.
I can't go into full details on here of how bad things really are because it's not fair so I will vent in email to my girls. But God.
I wanna just hit the wall. Just punch it over and over again til this hurt and anger just passes. Make my hands feel as bad as my insides do. I can't make the internal pain go away. But I wanna feel it on the outside.

Lil update

Have gotten a lot of emails and stuff from alot of my readers... Thanks so much for your support and encouragement. You guys are truly the best.
Givin a lil update... Things are going suprisingly well for me. I am happy. I think alot of that is due to the exercise. I had written a friend of mine a really sad email about just at the end of my rope and he said to me "workout/exercise" he was right. I haven't missed a day in 26 or more days now. Not a single day. So thanks for that recommendation. =) I actually get nervous when I don't go... I feel like somethings unfinished.
Juan had a toothache, blah, blah, blah... lots of money... antibiotics and dentist visit... I guess it's fixed for now. Finish up his rootcanal on Monday.
Savannahs hair has been cut. Looks adorable.
Anthony is biding his time and saving any penny he can for the new guitar hero.
Opie and Claire are enjoying long walks, cool breezes and chasing balls in confined spaces.
Um... not much else to update... Doing well all things considered.
=)
To everyone that keeps me on that track.. you are loved and I appreciate you more than you will ever know.
Love
Nanners

Frustrating day I spose'

Why Oh Why school is out so much is beyond me. My kids have been off since Friday, this coming after they were off a week from the hurricane. Normally, I don't mind. I love having them around. But, after the big altercation the other day, I haven't had a chance to unwind. Had they gone to school yesterday I would've spent the day crying and getting over what happened. I'm mentally drained. I need a few breathing seconds. Dishes, dogs, laundry... I woke up to a disaster this morning and I Just wanna sit down and relax and kids, kids, kids. Savannah has these neighborhood kids she plays with, so from the time she gets up its constant, non stop ... mom i wanna see alyssa and Leah. Not a break.... So today the anxiety attacks hit ... i have a 3 day window, panic stays away for 2 or 3 days after the stressful situation, then it unleashes upon me like no other. I have had panic attacks in waves all day... No place for a quiet spot. I'm tired. So I guess I gotta ride out the storm of anxiety, get up and finish cleaning, have the kids mess it all up again......... Keep the prayers coming.
I'm spent.
Love,
Dianna

yesterday = mess

I won't air dirty laundry on here because frankly it's not much I'm proud of and it would serve no purpose really. But yesterday has to be one of the single worst days of my life. Was horrible, no good and very bad.
Most of the family knows... if not you will in a second... Kyle and I haven't been getting along for 2 years or so. Alot of arguing, alot of hostility and overall a horrible environment for the kids. No one person to blame, we both have contributed to things that have gone wrong. Yesterday reached a point that opened my eyes very hugely that we can't live in the same house and try to make nice until things are settled. We go on the 17th to submit our divorce to the courts. This isn't new, we just haven't told a whole lot of people, but those who are close know the extent of our problems. So I'm not really sure what will go on, who will go where, how it will go, but changes are being made. So keep everyone in your thoughts and prayers and most of all 3 children who were extremely hurt and scarred by yesterday and it shouldn't have happened. So keep prayers a coming that they can heal up.
Love,
Dianna

Ipod Panic

Anyone who knows me, knows I am not a materialistic person by ANY means. I have very, very few things that are material that I cannot live without. My picture of my grandma, a shirt Jennie gave me and we trade it off every time we meet up, my broken toy soldier ornament and my IPOD. My beautiful friend Lois got it for me, I can't remember why or what or whatever the case. Anyways she gave it to me last year. Ever since then, it hasn't left my head hardly at all. I do not watch TV, very rarely. But my Ipod is my thing. This morning panic set through me. I couldn't find it. I was in tears after 45 minutes of looking for this thing. Every song on there, that means something to me.... My life...AUGH!!! Aunt Carol and I were talking on Saturday about furniture division....my words, take my TV, Take my furniture, just do not take my Ipod. I will sit on the floor.
A nice prayer to St. Anthony.... THE BEST Saint ever... I found it =) some place I had looked 1000 times already. Such relief. So that made my whole day.
I keep looking over at it to make sure it's still there.
For the first time in a long time, I'm filled with some hope.
It's a nice feeling.
Happy Tuesday.
Love
Dianna

Oh Boy.....

Okay, For future reference, I will keep in mind, when having an obscure dream, it's best just to keep it to yourself....
We have all had intimate dreams at one time or another...Mine just happened to involve Jimmy Walker and when I looked at him, there was the teeth, and he said DYNOMITE. I woke up out of a dead sleep after he said that. It freaked me out. Of all people to come be in my dream, Jimmy Walker....It's understandable when it's Brad Pitt or Hugh Grant. I have been teased and teased over the past few days about my um dream choice. Thank you for all the kind words and pictures. Some are very creative with their art work. Don't forget, I have photo shop and I'm not afraid to use it.....
Have a happy Tuesday....Have a DYNOMITE Tuesday...
Love,
The new Miss Jimmy Walker =) LOL
Di

It's Monday!!

Kids are FINALLY back to school after the hurricane stuff. YAY!!! I went out shopping for a bit... Came home.. cleaning. Been doubling up on the iron but my iron is still not up. UGH, it stinks. Did nothing all weekend. Went to moms. Did some haircuts. It feels like I never talk to an actual person, I had better start calling people so I don't forget how to speak!
Played chutes and ladders with Savannah yesterday. She wouldn't play with me again because I won. I tried and tried to lose, but I kept landing on ladders and her chutes. Basement is still a work in progress. UGH.
Did I mention school back in? YAY!!
=)
have a great Monday all. Happy First day of FALL!
Love,
Dianna

My Grandma

My grandma passed away awhile back. Some 17 years or more ago. As my adult years roll on I find myself missing her more and more. So much. Today, Kyle and I had a huge argument, I threw my phone against the wall, I really never throw things. I think it's broke, I don't care. Either way I just sit here at the computer crying and crying. Have been for a few hours. She pops into my head alot. She never yelled at me ever. Not once. That's the thing that I miss the most, her kindness and love to me. She never judged me, never did anything but love me. She used to always ask me to go to church with her, but I don't why I didn't. I don't think I was old enough to drive. I don't know. Whatever the case, I would give my eye teeth to just go to chruch with her once today. The time I remember the most about going to church with her, whoever was driving us, we were in the car and we laughed so hard, I dont even know over what. But we were laughing and laughing. We had gone to McDonalds and I spilled hot chocolate all down my chest. I had this huge stain and figured we would have to go back home. Instead she took me into the bathroom, turned my shirt around backwards and gave me her good sweater. We walked in and we were joined elbow and elbow and she was taking me all around showing me to everyone under the sun. Her face was just beaming with pride. I remember after Sunday School she came got me and we went into the church for the sermon. During it, she picked my hand up and kissed it and then just continued to hold it through the service. She hugged me afterwards and she always smelled so good. It's now that I just wanna go to her and have her kiss my hand and hug me. My heart is absolutely broken because I miss her so much. She was my safe spot. I just love her. Unconditionally without question love her and miss her every day. So today when things are so bad, I just wish to go see her. Just for a second see her and just smell her, feel her arms around me, kissing me on the cheek. Kissing my hand. The things we take for granted in daily life.... the thing I miss most.
Her.
My constant.
Love,
Di

Hello, Hello, Hello!

Trying to update at least weekly. Gets hard to do. We had the hurricane winds and OOF, they cancelled school all week. Oof and oof again. Everything was a mess. Nothing really going on here. Same stuff, different day but with nicer weather. Today I cleaned my house for ummm 7 straight hours. I'm beat. My legs are killing me. I moved furniture and what nots. Getting ready to go to sleep. I'm pretty exhausted. Boys are doing great, Savannahs doing great. Everyone is doing good. I'm doing okay too!! Can't complain!
Happy Wednesday
Love,
Di

Howdy!

Haven't updated in awhile. O.o
Not too, too much happening. The other day a bat was stuck on the back of my car during day light. Freaked me out pretty badly. Gross. I have pics, I'll have to post. Juan has been doing really well at going to school. Grades are really good. Anthony I haven't seen him bring a book home yet, so we shall see how he is doing. Savannah doesn't like school much. Yesterday she went to school all day, got home at 4:45, had to be whisked off to dance at 5, came home about 7:30, Kyle was trying to help her with her homework and she just sat out there crying. She was so tired. I got mad and said she could do it in the morning. No need in having her cry. She hit the pillow and fell asleep.
My iron is way, way low. Boy, I feel it. I made the grand error of running out of iron and couldn't get any til recently. Oof and oof is it low. I can't describe it, it's like I can't breathe, if I get up to walk my muscles ache and the biggest indicator, bad leg cramps at night. I got some a couple weeks ago and have been double dosing but it takes 6 weeks. I need my energy back and really have to make an effort to keep iron.
Other than that stuff, nothing to report.
Happy Tuesday!
Love,
Di

My lil baby boy

This is how he slept this morning =) Melts my heart. He is just the best dog in the world. I love him.
Happy Tuesday
Love,
Di

Friday Friday!

Happy Friday everyone!
Haven't felt like writing or talking to anyone really.
Everyone's good tho.
Happy Friday!

Happy Sunday

We all have been sick. Juan and Savannah both missed some school time last week. Is it allergies, is it funk? Me n Savannah ran a fever. Um.......nothing else going on. Cleaned this morning, feel a bit dizzy. I wanna move out of the ohio valley. I wanna go to Arizona, smack dab in the middle of the desert with the dingos, the scorpions, tarantulas......I'd take them all to get out of the muck we live in. Gag.
Love
Di

Ragweed

Good Lord have mercy, I didn't even have to check the weather to know that ragweed is in. I'm coughing, sneezing, eyes are bluchy. I feel miserable. Just to make sure it wasn't something else went to the pollen page and sure enough ragweed is very high. I have been off and on dizzy again. Grr. Since last September was the date I first got the dizzy virus, I am paranoid of that date coming up. Makes no sense at all, but it was that miserable that I do worry about it.
Anthonys birthday was on the 14th, we had to stay at moms had no power. Stress. Gotta love it.
Happy Saturday
Love,
Di

Bad Mood

I am in such a bad mood today. So much little stuff annoying me to death. Juan 2nd day of school already gone to missing the bus. Threw his school papers all over his room. Didn't bother to do his homework, as long as he is outside with "Chris who is home schooled COUGH COUGH" He wants to quit school when he is 16 to go into the lawn care business like Chris and his dad. So he doesn't need school. I wanna move away from here. Far, far away. I can not wait til that happens. Anthony liked shcool but lately is hateful as hell to everyone. Constantly screams at Savannah, if he is asked to do something goes off. Totally out of character. One thing I have noticed in this house is everyone thinks I should do everything. All of it. I had been keeping the laundry done every day and put away. The dryer broke. I can't get to the washer anymore. My basement has been turned upside down since June and nothing has been put back together I can't get into the room down there. All my stuff is down there. Someone looked for socks in there and instead of looking in the basket, what the hell, they just dump it over onto the floor. What's it matter I will pick it up. It will probably be 2010 before the toilet is put back in down there. It's in the bedroom down there. I wish I could do that stuff myself. It's frustrating. Everything is.
Happy Whatever Day it is
Love
di

First day of school

Uncle Mike

Uncle Mike passed away this morning. It's very sad and I'm not really sure what to write. You take the nicest person you know and multiply it by 1000 and that's what type of person he was. Him and Savannah had a very special bond and not having him in her life growing up, is going to be a big loss for her. He loved showing her things. When we had come down to fish, his face would light up.
For those who do not know, he recently had been diagnosed with Colon Cancer. They did some treatments, it worked for awhile. It came back. He had surgery. Not sure what happened, at some point he went into a coma and passed away.
Savannah had a time capsule at her first birthday party. Everyone to leave her messages for when she's 18. I got the box out this morning and got out Uncle Mikes
It said........
Savannah,
Happy 1st Birthday!
By now you are driving, graduated from high school and planning for your future! I am 65 years old and probably gray haired, fat and retired! Ha! I enjoyed your 1st birthday party! You had a big time. Alot of your friends and family were there. We enjoyed playing balloons and the plastic ducks.
Enjoy life! Have fun! and be safe
Good luck with the future
Love, Uncle Mike

The pics above, for most of that day he took her around showing her things, playing with the ducks. He loved showing her things.
He will be missed.
Cancer sucks.
Love,
Di

Tuesday

Tired on Tuesday. Not much happening. Have cleaned all morning but now am so exhausted I don't feel like I can move. I have been out of iron for awhile now and can't get any. I think my anemia is creeping back up. Esp after I bled for a few days with my tooth. Quite a bit even. I just sit here and my eye lids are so heavy. Gonna need some sleep for sure. House is all cleaned. Trying to make do without a dryer. With 3 kids, not easy. That's about it. All kids are ready for school. I'm ready for them to go back. I'm ready for the basement to be finished. Okay have a happy Tuesday.
Love,
Di

Monday Morning

Howdy on Monday. I got my tooth pulled Friday.. Was scared, but did it. Was very sore for a couple of days, but today I can't even tell I had it done. The worry over it was worse than the actual process.... Everything is good and calm here. We have a fairly new dryer like 2 years old. It broke... Annoying.

Happy Monday

Friend-
1. A person whom one knows, likes and trusts
2. A person whom one knows, an acquaintance
3. A person whom one is allied in a struggle or a cause, a comrade


Love,
Di

I'm a coward

It's summer....It's hot... I'm tired. I'm not feeling as good as I was when we came home from moms. Starting to just get plum wore out again.
Have to go have a tooth extracted Friday...I'm scared to death... I Have to have it done, it's bothering me a great deal. I don't understand why I have no courage. Sometimes I wish I could go see the wizard myself and he would give me some medal that would just make me brave. I'm so frozen by fear. I just sit around and think all the time at what I could be if fear didn't hold me down, but I can't seem to get out from it's grip. I don't know what to do. Sigh. It makes me terribly sad. The dizziness is starting to come back, I guess that I am going to have to accep the fact that I am probably going to be dizzy the rest of my life. The thought just kills me. The allergy pills aren't working, I'm always congested.. We live in the worst place in the world for allergies.

I hate the dizziness.... I just don't understand why it won't go away. I have been sleeping sitting up for a year. The one week I lay down, I have to go to the hospital with dizziness. HATE IT.

Ugh.

Love,
Di

KFC now with lesser sodomy??

Let's see if I can do this without laughing. My son wants to know what sodomy is..... " I can't tell you that around Savannah" Anthony says, "Well it's not like it's bad you see it on TV all the time on commercials" ... "where???"
Anthony..."you know the KFC commercials, their chicken now has less sodomy?"

Me thinks he needs to be taught proper pronunciation of Sodium... Making mental note!! Owooooooooooo!

and Owoooooooooooooooo!!!

and owooooo

Love
di

ugh

Sup'

It's Tuesday!! Feeling a bit better today. I have had some sort of cold/allergy thing going on. Migraine. The migraine stinks but this time it was off and on and not constant which is okay for the most part. Yesterday I did not clean... GASP... So after I wake up this morning some, I am going to give the house a good once over.
The dryer tried to eat a sock, thank God we caught it before the motor got burned up. Um.....nothing else exciting to report. All is dull and boring and I like it! =) hope everyone is having a great summer. Almost 1 month til school starts!!
YAY!!!!! I'm so happy!!!
Love,
Di

Howdy!

Not too much goin on. =) house is clean, laundry is done. I'm tired. Savannah kicks me all night long. So, last night wasn't very easy on sleepin. Life right now is pretty boring and I am soaking up every single inch of it. Went to moms on the 4th for a cookout. Was nice and relaxing. Watched movies. Just plain nice. Took some pics but don't feel like editing them just yet. So I'll share later.
Happy Sunday!
Love,
Di

Happy Fourth!

=) Happy Fourth!! We are heading over to my moms for a cookout and maybe to my aunts and maybe a couple other places. Not sure where we will end up. I'm kinda tired. Got up and cleaned imagine that. If I dont maintain even one day it will get out of hand, so that means every day spend 2 hrs maintaining. I made a bunch of cookies last night and got everything for today done last night. That's really about it. Nothing much happening and I like it =)
Enjoy your holiday and be safe
Love,
Dianna

Happy 3rd!

Just sat down. Beat, beat, beat!! I got up maintained what I had been cleaning all week. Went to Walmart got some stuff for tomorrow. Came home cleaned. Sat down played computer for a wee bit then got back up making dinner and just finished mopping floors. My eyes are so heavy from exhaustion. Owooooooo! i got some new swiffer Lavendar and they kinda made my allergies act up. I really don't like the smell either. Not as pleasant as the box says. Creepy smellin. Got a busy day tomorrow. Im glad. Laundry is all done. =) covers and sheets are all done. Gonna make some gluten free cookies in a few to take tomorrow. That's about it. Nice and dull just like I like it :) Happy Thursday.
Love,
Di

July!

I didn't even realize that it was July! Happy July! Didn't sleep very well last night at all. Had alot of anxiety off and on. Went to bed a lil after 10 didn't fall asleep til after 1 am. I really worked my butt off yesterday. I am really working my butt off today. Boxes have got to be carried upstairs and onto the patio, furniture has to be carried out of the basement. They are going to remodel the bathroom and that means drywall dust and muck all over, then comes the carpet people and we can't have anything downstairs. Sooooooo alot of work. I am trying to get it done one step at a time, but I'm petering out. Everytime I ask the boys for help I get a TON of lip and frankly I am pissed off about that. They should help. I need to take a shower, but used all the hot water washing sheets and blankets. So waiting on that. Haven't been on computer very much at all. Just to check mail. I don't miss it.
I do however miss my TV Land. Leave it to beaver, the beverly hillbillies. 5 tvs in the house and I want to watch a program I get nothing but whining and complaining. Savannah won't leave my side. I'm just ready for school to start and some peace and quiet. I need some.
Okay Have a happy July.
Love,
Di
PS added some new old photos to my photo blog. If you haven't seen them they are new to you :P ha ha!

Evening

I'm stressed. Just seems like no peace. My chest always hurts, my hearts always fluttering. Stress. Bird boy moved out, they were living with the grandma. I was so excited. No more psycho bird boy. Okay, the daughter moves back in with the grandma, has a lil girl named Katy....Okay seems nice enough.......... UGH, I am sitting out back tonight, the dogs want out, I let them out..... What do they have??? Pit bulls. My jaw is still on floor, i can't deal with anymore shit. They all start fighting that dog looked like it was going to come over the fence. I mean he was going at opie..... So now, Savannah still can not go outside, now nor can my dogs. I just don't know what kind of life joke is being played on me. I really do not. I don't find it funny. I am going to have a heart attack for sure. No let up ever.

Howdy

Been awhile since I last updated. Not much has changed. Had some sort of weird virus all last week, fever, achey etc. Mom had it too, not sure what it was, but it's letting up thank God. Just came upstairs from cleaning the basement and my eyes are watery and I'm coughing. I really don't need to be in all that muck, but there really isn't anything I can do. Gotta get it cleaned up before they tear it apart, then I will have to redo it from dry wall dust.
I scrubbed mine/Savannahs room last night really good and sat down for a second about 8 oclock and fell plum asleep. Tried doing landscaping yesterday. Some people have their calling, landscaping is not mine. I don't enjoy it and I'm not any good at it.
That's about it on updates, Kids are running me to death crazy, but school starts soon =) I am so glad, I miss my peace and quiet in the days.
Okay Happy Tuesday!
Love
Di

if anyone is interested

I updated my photoblog Di's photo blog

My baby girl

Lost in a sea of stuff

Trying to organzie stuff. UGH, I want to have a yardsale but UGH I don't. Too much trouble, too much hassle. Fixing to list a ton of stuff on Freecycle again today. It's such a good program. I go downstairs and look and just don't know where to start. Twin sheets, full sheets, games, old clothes.... I just don't know where to start. I really, really don't. Started on the sunporch yesterday. Half finished it. So many 3 and 4 T clothes. I wish lil Evangeline was old enough to wear them. There's easily 1500 dollars worth of nice clothes just sitting. I need to just start but when everything is disorganized, I don't know what to do. We need a dumpster. Badly. Just wanna pitch so much stuff in the dump and get it out of my bair. Get rid of things that I do not use, nor will I use. We have no storage for anything and we just need stuff gone, gone, gone Whoa whoa whoa.
Any ideas on organizing?

Owoooooo

tis the time for getting rid of stuff. I rejoined freecycle and getting rid of stuff out of the basement one by one. We have to have the whole basement recarpeted, tiled, what have you. Got burnt pretty badly yesterday, spilled boiling water down my chest. Hurts pretty bad, blistered, etc. Went to ICC yesterday and they put silvadene on it, which is a big No no since I am allergic to sulfa drugs. It itched got a rash, yadda, yadda, yadda. I cried sooooooooo much. It hurt. Today I am achey as hell, not sure if it's from holding my body funny when i was burned or just cause I suck. Either or........ I don't feel well. My head hurts so bad it feels like at any second, I will have a seizure or my brain will explode. I haven't had a headache this bad in quite sometime.
Is getting older jsut always aches and pains? If so sign me up for something else.
Picture will be up Saturday in NYC YAY!!! That's about it. I have been working on the sun porch and in the basement, pushing through this headache. I just wanna sleep it off but it hurts so bad I'm not sure if I can even do that.

Til we meet again
Me

Very Very big news for me!!!

Kodak contacted me and Savannah's pic I took of her won a contest so on Saturday June 21st the first day of summer this pic will be displayed ALL DAY long every few minutes on the big screen in New York Cities Times Square!!!! I needed this, you have no clue, I needed this!!

A second blog entry for today

I learned today that there are quite a few people who don't understand me and are quite quick to pass judgement on me.
First of all let me say, because someone has an illness you can't see, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
I have severe depression. Absolutley, totally severe depression.
I recognize this, I accept it.
Some days I feel like I can't move, I'm tired. Not a day passes that I don't cry. I feel hopeless on the inside and some days I would like to do nothing more than to die. Am I suicidal, not by any means. But I have depression severe enough that sometimes exactly how i feel. My life hasn't been easy.
Open up a box of depression sometime, try it on. Try and see what it feels like, guarantee you will give it back in a second. It isn't fun.
But it's real and it's hard.
I may not be the best mom on this earth, but I love my kids and we have special things that we do. I may not be able to go to all their functions that I want. Depends on the day. It doesn't mean I'm doing anything wrong. I physically can't do it somedays. But it doesn't make me any less of a person or mother because I can't. I'm so tired of people passing judgement on what they think they know about me. When they know nothing. They only go by what they see. Not by how I feel inside.
Again let me say. Depression is real and it's not fun. You know those commercials you see about it on TV, that is a cake walk compared to how I feel somedays.
Only one person can judge me and that's God.
I know what type of person I have been and know who I am.
I also understand that I have an illness, several as a matter of fact and I can't be like everyone else.
Nor do I want to be.

Stress

I'm so stressed. I can't begin to reiterate here, how stressed I am. I almost am emotionally numb. We just got home today, was at moms for almost a week. Air broke again. Long story short, pipe had a hole in it behind the wall, blah blah blah... I have no bathroom walls. Lots and lots of mold, which is probably why I have been so sick. Everyone gets out of the house but me. Im the one who's here. My computer is going out, Have only had it 16 mos. Gateway only honored the warranty for a year. It is the only life line I have to anyone. So if it goes, just throw me in the garbage. It was nice actually being around people at my moms. But I came home to a huge mess. I don't even know where to start.
Juan has been having huge problems. The other day I guess Tuesday he didn't want to go to my moms. So what does he do??????? Goes takes off says he's going to run away. I have 2 kids in car, 2 dogs, its hot......So I am chasing him down road in car with him screaming to all neighbors "I don't trust you" blah blah blah... So he stops at Patricks house, made a huge scene. Police had to be called. All because he wanted to stay with his buddies.
His dad wants him to go to Texas to live for the school year. I want that, I think we both need it. I can't take the stress of a marriage that fell apart, the bills, the stuff breaking, Anthonys issues, and then Juan. I can't do it all. I'm slowly dying inside. We just got home today and Anthony went out mowed the front yard, Juan supposed to do the back. Gets mad, throwing a fit... Had to fix savannah some juice and got even more pissed and shoved the cup so hard in her face and pushed her lips into her teeth leaving her crying and her lip bleeding.
I hate his friends....... He has changed since he has started hanging with them.
So air hasn't been fixed, it all the sudden now works. I'm positive it will break again. I can't go downstairs, not only are there no walls, there's bleach all over. We were honest and told the ins. company that it happened a couple of weeks ago, they are saying it has to reported same day. I'm going to have Johnny call the, how the fuck am I supposed to know there's a leak behind the wall? Fuckers. It doesn't pay to be honest. I should lie, steal and cheat. Those people get everything they want and more. I see why they do it. They always come out on top. Leaving honest shit asses like myself in the current situation I am in.
I am starting to lose faith in God also which is something I never thought would happen. How much can one person take? I am finding out. I am steps away from checking myself into a hospital because I can no longer cope with everything that goes on. I can't. I need a break and I don't get one.
Have to go to a graduation party, come back to the sweltering house and start somewhere trying to clean it up....... you have no clue ....... to find the leak all had to be taken out, dishes all over.. I just don't know where to start when all I want to do is bury my head in the sand and give up.
Prayers in abundance, maybe God will hear you all, because he certainly doesn't hear a word I say.

Happy Sunday.

I'd rather be fishin

Got a huge spurt of energy today, I have scrubbed my whole house. Top floor to almost bottom. The basement is kyles domain so I don't touch it, however have been down there getting laundry done and put away. I pulled out the fridge, got on top of it, washed walls, fans. Scrubbed the floors. It looks great in here. I'm about out of things to do, but as soon as the kids start running around, I'm sure they will make a mess of it. I'm so tired now! but enjoying the clean clean house!! Sad American Idol won't be on tonight. Going to miss it!
Happy Tuesday
Love,
Di

Hi!

Been a very long time. Nothing going on. Still dizzy in spurts. Overall, I just am not feeling well. I have been feeling awful since about a month after we moved in this house. No energy, headaches, dizziness, asthma. We are going to have the house tested for black mold.
My health is seriously putting a huge crimp on my life. The dizziness is nothing like it was that one day, but I just don't feel right in that department. My eyes move when i don't move them. If my legs move and my body doesn't my body jerks as if it's trying to catch it. I hate it. Hate it.
Semi getting anxiety about going anywhere cause I'm afraid it will happen out in public. What a way to live.
So please send me prayers, lots and lots and lots.
Lots.
Kids are out of school now.
Hope this summer holds alot of fun and not alot of misery.
Happy Sunday
Much love to everyone
Di

Been awhile

Nothing to report really. Alls the same. Savannah graduated. 4 more days of school left. That's about it. Hope everyone is well.
Love,
Di

Tuesday

Just finished cleaning up the whole entired middle floor. Washed windows, walls did it all. Feeling a lil better. I love my mornings when they are quiet, I can clean and just get things organized and it's quiet. Savannahs graduating from Kindergarten Tuesday if anyone wants to come you are welcome. It's sad. She's growing up. So big, so sweet and so grown. Her belated bday party is going to be not this weekend but next I think. Things keep coming up and we can't ever find a good time.
Happy Tuesday!
Love,
Di

Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mothers Day.
Not much going on.
Down today.
Disappointed in people.
Always makes me the saddest when people
I look up to, people I respect...Disappoint me.
I know people are people, but sometimes the disappointment
reaches limits that I wash my hands of them. Those who
know me, know it takes alot for that to happen, but when
it does....I don't go back.
Pivotal moments...
So I'm down because I know my feelings have changed.
Take what I can from the good moments of the friendship.
Then learn from the bad... the disappointment will fade over time.
But won't ever be forgotten.

Such is life...

Other than that, nothing going on. I have my moments on dizziness. Taking
all of my meds as the Dr. directed. Nothing like it was the other day. My breathing
is really getting alot better. Baby steps.

Hope all you moms out there have a wonderful day.

:)

I tried to add some more new songs, but it kept giving me errors and I can't change them neither.. Heifers...I'll try again later. Mom asked me to add one and I forgot the name, so I'll get on that!!

LMAO

didu notice below i wrote wednesday and its freaking Thursday... good grief

Wednesday

Feelin a lil bit better... Trying to update my blog and get some new music on... Been singing this song to everyone for a month and no one knew the name, found it by accident!! But I LOVE It!! :D
Happy Wednesday!
Antihistamines rock!!!
Love,
Di

Home

Ugh keep trying to type out but keeps giving me errors. I am way to weak and worn down for long typing but will update... Severe allergies/allergy attack... Given lots of drugs.. Can breathe again.. Am to stay in bed and rest and recover from what happened.

Take drugs and rest... which is what I'm doing.
Prayers, say lots
I really am not sure that I have ever been that scared in my life.
Love,
Di

Waiting to go to hospital

Gotta get savannah to school. Woke up this morning, room was spinning around and around. I didn't feel right, arms are weak. Almost fainted a few times.... I am very sick and feel extremely bad. I don't feel right. I didn't feel right yesterday. Carbon monoxide detector was going off and a gas leak.....dad shut the gas off, so surely that's not it, but I feel awful.. I have never been room spinning dizzy before like this. I screamed for Kyle because I was so scared and couldn't move, my eyes were all twitching in the back of my head... Then 5 min later again and again. I'm scared to death.
Update later when I get home.. Say prayers. Lots..
Love
di

Happy Derby Day!!

YAY!! It has stormed.....you know what that means?? MUD and in the infield gonna make for good TV! YAY!! Up early, someones coming to fix the air. Going to a party in a bit. Wish I drank so I could get sloshed. Feeling better than I did the other day. I just really need a run of good luck. Any takers for my black cloud? Come on you know you want it. I have a ton of emails I haven't responded to. I have missed a ton of phone calls....If you need me call my cell. I have 2 teenage boys who not only live on the phone, they keep it in their rooms, lock the door or lose it and I don't even see the house phone. Dad and mom have both learned that I am only reachable on my cell. Okies, off to do some cleaning and some grocery stuffs before party!! WOOT!
Happy Derby Day!!
YAY!!!
Love
Di

I can't take anymoreeeeeeee

I live with a migraine from stress..... Let's see, basement ruined from water leaks... from the air , from the sink... Last summer air broke.... went the cheap route to fix it and hope and pray it works. Worked. Water leaks again.........shorted out the air.....gotta get it fixed. Went downstairs this morning.......Water leak again, water heater??????? pipes???????who knows.....all the carpet in the whole basement has to be pulled up......Mold is starting to grow on the walls...... I am at my breaking point. Seriously...At my breaking point. How can we sell this house with all the stuff that keeps going wrong???? I don't know what to do...... I'm drowning, not slowly but quickly...
Help.
Haven't written... what's to write?
It's all bad.......Always bad.
Love,
Di