Thursday...

You know, life isn't really very long.

I lay in bed this morning thinking about time, time going by in years, months, hours and days.

Since my dream the other night, I have been thinking a lot about how much of my time I have wasted. How much time I continue to waste, but I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be right where I am doing what I'm doing.......Or if I'm supposed to be doing something else.

Inching slowly back into my relationship with God. I've missed Him so much and turned away from Him, in the most difficult time in my life.

I watched a show the other day that talked about how God loves us through other people. He doesn't come down in the form of Himself to tell us, He shows us through people. At that pivotal moment I truly felt how much He loves me.

When I think of how much I hate doing laundry, at least I have clothes to wash. When I think or complain of how much I hate doing dishes, good Lord, at least I have dishes to eat out of. I see the nice things around me and I have so many nice things. God truly has loved on me and used other people to convey that love. I've never, ever went without one thing even for one day and I acted like such a spoiled brat. Good thing about God is, I asked for forgiveness and I am forgiven. Approaching life with more of a thankful attitude.

I asked God to lead me to what I'm supposed to have in my life. I want someone to share my life with. I want to get married again. I want someone to do life with. Life is so hard and sometimes so wonderful that I want someone to walk through it with.

I was so unsure of that before. I was so adamant about never being married again, but He showed me in my heart, that I do want to be married again.

I've got to change so much to get there, or should I say, He has to change so much for me to get there. I have so much to learn still, but I still have some years, months, days and hours to learn what I need to.

Going to quit trying to make things happen and just let Him lead me where it is I need to be.

I'm hearing Him again. I know that I know that I know it's Him.

Fear opens the door for satan to work, faith opens up the door for my Father to work.

Pray that I can leave these fears and have the courage to do what I need to do to move forward.

Courage....I need it.

Love,

Me =)

Sunday Once Again

I miss February. That's back when I got my job and I was on top of the world. I'm done analyzing what happened, it just did.

Trying to figure out how to get my life back is where I'm at now.

Had a lot of vivid dreams over the past few days. Friday night I dreamed mamaw was sitting with me in a gray empty room. There were 2 chairs. She was in one, I was in the other. She spoke loudly and said "You are wasting so much time" I kept asking her over and over again what she meant and she said loudly one more time "All you need to know is that you are wasting a lot of time."

Then last night I dreamed that I was getting baptized again. My whole entire family was there and I was so excited to be baptized again...The lady who was going to baptize me was reading my testimony and one by one my family went out. I kept asking where they were and my mom would say "someone more important needs them" I looked out the window and they were all doing other things. I got back in the tub and my mom was still there and she was waiting and the lady who was baptizing me got a phone call and said she needed to leave and couldn't finish. I sat in the tub crying and just felt so empty.

Right after that I dreamed I was at my old Grandma Spies house. I looked out front and there was a box and I knew what was in there and realized someone had take stuff out of the box. I went around to the side door and someone else was in there. I ran over to Tessa and Keiths to call 911 and tell them someone was in my grandmas house...He asked me to do his dishes while I waited for the police. I didn't want to do his dishes, but he was adamant that I do them. So I sat there while I waited. I looked out his kitchen window and I saw my grandma spies and she was screaming "someones in my house." I told her I'd finish the dishes and be right there and that I had called police.

So weird these dreams.

=(

Okay, happy Sunday

Love,

Dianna

Sigh

Dealing with my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder again today. It's funny recognizing what it is. It's funny what triggers it.

I would think my brain would realize the difference. It doesn't.

Elmer came in this past weekend. We had a great time and he had to leave. What triggered it was cleaning up his bottle he was drinking out of, the towel he used. Stuff like that.

After Brett died, I remember everyone just cleaning up his stuff and I wanted the cup he drank out of, I wanted the shirt he was wearing. I didn't want to touch anything.

After Elmer left yesterday it was hard for me to throw his water bottle away or wash his towel. I cried most of the afternoon because I had to tell my brain, he's not dead, he's just not here.

Today I'm emotionally worn out from that. Every time I went to touch something that he did, that scene from the day Brett died came back into my head. Telling myself over and over.....it's okay to throw it away. The bottle is insignificant.

I guess I just wanted to hold on and seeing those things around my house is a reality that he was really here.

Hard to fool a brain.

I hate goodbye. =(

Love,

Me

A Re-Introduction of Dianna

I'm Dianna 39 years old, blonde hair, blue eyes. I'd like that think that's about all I have to say about myself. But it's not. I notice silly things like that sentence before this one is a fragment. Is it sentence or sentance? Stuff like that is what goes through my simple mind.

Lately I have embarked on a journey of self discovery. Who am I and what the hell do I want out of life? I try to think of things I know about myself. I do know that I am on a big chessboard. The way I act, the way I write.........everything dictated by who is moving my pieces that day. Some people in my life know exactly who's moving what piece all the time. I love those people.

I like the color of yellow. Not bright yellow, soft, pale yellow. I like bowling, although I'm not sure why. I love my puppy dogs, all dogs. That's about all I know of likes. I used to like to paint and draw, but when Juan (big Juan) broke all my pencils and tore up my work...I stopped.

I wonder all the time about what gives people the right to take things from other people. Take away their self esteem, take away their happiness. I do wish I was a strong enough woman to not let anyone take anything.

I soul search a lot. But I guess everyone knows that about me. I never let anyone drive me. I only can drive myself. I have let Elmer and Steve drive me. I think my aunt once. I was 17...In a truck w/ my step sister, a preachers son and his friend. We were out in Bullit County on this old country dirt road. The preachers son was driving and he was going fast. I was scared and crying and they thought this was quite funny. I was sick to my stomach. So.........I beg to be let out and they wouldn't let me. They go back on this really hilly road to really let me have it, because, lets face it......Scaring someone to death is funny. I begged to be let out, preachers son said he would let me out if I grabbed his penis. I said no of course and the first hill came......we were all in the front of the truck and no seat belts. I remember going over that hill, my head hitting the top of the truck and just crying hysterically. More laughter at my expense..........Second hill came, he asked me again if I would grab his penis and this time I thought about it, but said "No, just let go please" I will never forget the sound of those tires peeling out on that road, again my head hit the top of the truck, more laughter and we got to the third hill. I felt as if I were going to vomit. He asked me again if I were going to grab his penis. This time I said "Yes" I grabbed it so hard his eye balls popped out of his head and I would not let up. Once I let go of course more hills and they finally let me out in the middle of a highway somewhere. I walked back to the mall crying.

I still think about that. Wonder if he ever thinks about that and realizes that for 20 something years I can't ride with other people because I trust so few.

Add that to my list of about me. I don't like going fast, I don't like hills....I don't like people laughing at me and making fun of me.

My dad the other day told me I don't need to call a Dr. I need to call FEMA because I'm a walking disaster. That is pretty much true. I have a lot of stuff go wrong, but sometimes I have a lot of stuff go right.

I'm foolish and stupid I agree.

I get asked out by the same 3 guys almost every week. There was a 4th, but he told me he would eventually give up asking and he did. I was relieved when he did. The same 3 guys ask and I give the same response and same excuses.

I wouldn't know what to say or do with any of them and they would have to get to know me, which in the end they would stop liking me anyways.

How can you like someone who doesn't even know what she likes to do? One of them asked me the other day, "You have to like something, what do you like?" Why is that question so hard? Bowling is all I could think of. He asks "Are you good at it?" "No", I say......."I'm not good at it". I'm not even sure why I like it.

How does one find out what they like? There's so much noise around me how can I figure out anything. One of the guys does something sweet.......If he reads my facebook status or something and I'm sad, he will text me bible verses. I think that's pretty sweet.

It's sweet and a reminder that God is still pursuing me even though I want to give up on Him.

I do know that I love Jesus. There is no like in that, that is absolute love. I can honestly say that I don't even trust the one who made me.

This introduction is long enough...You don't have to scroll back and read who I was. This is who I am. A dizzy, dumb female who loves bowling and God.

Love,

Dianna

Shhh Sneakin On

I attempted to delete my blog a few times....I just couldn't do it. Too much history here.

Things have gotten better. I was dx with BPPV Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo. I went to an ENT a couple weeks ago and he did something called Dix-Hallpike test and was able to tell immediately. He then proceeded to scoot my head back off the table hanging almost upside down to do to the Epley Maneuver. Good times for sure.

I will say that after the first Epley I felt awesome. I was still really off balance, but had felt like something was missing. I had to go back last week and he did it again. After this one I didn't feel so well. I am still really off balance and keep hitting my left side. They said this was something called compensation. I say good grief it's a pain in the butt. They fail to tell you that recovery after having it so long, is almost as bad as the first initial episode.

My brain plays continual tricks on me. My body will feel the dizziness while my eyes aren't dizzy. It's a psychological nightmare.

I go back next Friday for another evaluation and I'm very nervous. I don't want to get even more messed up. I don't want my other side to get messed up.

Elmer will be here the following week and I'm so scared about being dizzy while he's here and UGH I just want my life back.

That's about it. =D Things ARE getting better, just so stinking slow!!

Love,

Dianna

Nothing is better than a heart felt "I miss you"

Yesterday a phone call with a warm voice saying I miss you. Today another phone call and before they hang up, they came back to squeeze in....I really miss you.

I got off the phone and cried.

It's nice when someone says something in a tone that's very sincere.

I miss them too =(

God does know what I need when I need it. Even when I'm out on my sea of doubt.

Love,

Me

I miss her when she goes away

Just like every Monday after the weekend I have Savannah I lay in bed and cry.

I really don't like sharing her. It's the ugly side of divorce. I hate cleaning up on Mondays, because I like seeing her shoes and doll dresses all around. I like seeing her Hershey bar wrappers. I love hearing her giggle and laugh.

I love having her ask me who I wanna marry and read my instant messages over my shoulder and tease me about my use of LOL.

My quiet dark life is full of noise and light when she's hear and I just totally miss her when she goes away.

=( Sometimes I wish I would've stayed married just so I wouldn't have to share her, but I know that's not the answer.

Off to wipe the tears away and look forward to Wednesday when I see her again.

I love her.

~di

I Think I've Turned Into a Doubting Thomas.

I tell you what, it's amazing how one day you can have faith and then the next it's gone.

I have so much anger built up all around me and frustration coming out the wazoo.

Actually to say that I'm frustrated is an understatement.

My life, my kids life, my moms life...All in the toilet right now. Completely and totally in the toilet. All of us are struggling with severe depression, anxiety that is crippling and there is no support system around except each other..........A bunch of depressed hopeless people trying to help other depressed, hopeless people.

It's sad. I feel guilty for being angry at God. I could understand why things are so bad right now if I ran around kicking puppies or stealing candy from kids. If I abused children I could understand.

I've emailed a couple of people from church about my confusion, but I never hear back from them. Surprise. I have no one to turn to for answers and that's frustrating and I keep feeling like I want to just give up trying.

I've heard a lot about hanging with believers instead of people who don't believe. I tried that, but you know the ones who don't hide behind Christianity, seem to be more of a support than those who are "called" to help others.

I'm trying to hang on during this doubtstorm, not understanding anything. Being frustrating and trying trust God when I don't even think He likes me.

I base it on circumstances. If things are good, I'm more apt to believe that God loves me. But things are always crap and it's easier to believe that He doesn't.

I'm sad today.

Love,

Me

Thursday!

It's Thursday and I feel mentally better than ever.

Thank God!

I'm relieved in so many ways, monkeys off my back and life moves on!!

=)

A friend of mine has been asking me to lunch and I'm thinking about working up the courage to go today!!

=)

Say lots O Prayers for me and thanking God my heart is happy!!!

Love,

Me =)

Under my tree with Jesus

For the past year and a couple of months, my walk with God. I may have even blogged about this before. When I'm sad, stressed or tired I always close my eyes and meet Jesus under this tree.

I don't know where it is, but it's where my mind and heart go. Today I have really dealt with quite a bit of hurt and as always I just wanna run to Jesus under our tree.

He always looks me in the eye. He lifts me up. Today laying on my bed, I ran to Jesus under our tree and cried. I'm so tired and tired of hurt. Today he just held me and I cried harder when I had to open up my eyes and come back. I wish I could close my eyes forever and just stay under that tree with him.

One day.

I love him.

Love,

Me

Sigh

Well, yesterday was wonderful, I felt great, was in an okay mood. Not dizzy...

Today, ugh, dizzy.

I'm getting so frustrated it's unreal. No one understands at all what it's like and on top of it being stressful, I'm angry and frustrated.

The past couple of days I have been battling horrendus anger. I'm not really sure who or what I'm angry at...I just am.

I just feel like my life fell apart. All of it. Every single area has crumbled. I have been trying to get closer with God while all this is going on, but sometimes I don't think it's working.

I just have to believe that it is working and that He isn't punishing me. My depression is starting to get pretty bad. I have to go to therapy every week again.

I have been trying to focus on scriptures about healing. Thinking about who and what I am in Christ, not who or what I am here.

For the first time in awhile something was made clear to me. I always say "My hope is is Christ", but I never understood it.

I understood it yesterday. I'm just visiting this earth. Because of Christ I can go home someday and not have to stay here where there's illness and hurt. There's no good bye in heaven, there's no sadness, no dizziness, nothing.

Someday I get to go there. For eternity. Because of Christ, my name is in the book of life and I get to have peace, quiet, love and hope. Someday I get to go home.

I really believe God is working on healing me. I have to be patient and I am feeling better. By his stripes I am healed.

When I get better, I'm not gonna mess it all up again. Well, I probably will, but I really am going to appreciate my time better.

Keep praying for me.

Love,

Dianna

Wish I

Could have 5 full minutes with Jesus in the flesh. Just to even touch him for a second and ask him to heal me from this dizzy stuff.

I pray and pray and pray and PRAY and pray and pray. I keep thinking what am I doing wrong. Is my faith that low? Is there unconfessed sin. I don't get it.

I know God has a bigger plan in all this, but it doesn't make anything any easier when you have to be in bed most of the day.

I wish I could run away from myself sometimes. I sit here and think why can't it be someone else? Someone deserving, but then again why not me?

It's wrecked my life, I slip into this stupid depression every time. I just want relief.

Pray for me please and continue praying for me. I just want this season in my life OVER.

Love,

Me

Tuesday

To say I need Jesus is an understatement. I NEED Jesus.

Being busy and working all the time, I never could put quite into place what was going on and what was going wrong.

My life for the past 3 months has been a living hell. I have heard hell described as life apart from God. I can tell you that is true.

I haven't felt right for a few months...angry, bitter, sad and lost. I couldn't put my finger on what exactly was wrong. I couldn't til tonight.

Driving home from Community Groups I was filled with tears, apart from Christ I am nothing. I was walking around as an empty hollow shell. He is what gives me life. Without Him, my life was hell.

The more of God I get, the more of God I want. I was so tired and I find rest in Him.

I used to think that God didn't call me and that I just wanted to be a part of something so badly that I thought they have to like me at church.

I couldn't of been more wrong. God has a huge hold on me and if I get far away, He has proven He will bring me back.

I can't wait to let His Glory shine through of what's next on my path. I will probably mess it all up again, but thank God, He loves me enough to bring me around.

I feel such peace!

Love,

Dianna

Tuesday

It's Tuesday =) I am feeling SOOOOO Much better this week, knocking on wood!!

I feel clear headed, I feel lighter....

I had to start going back to therapy weekly for awhile to repair all the damage I did in 6 months, but he reassured me I did the right thing.

He didn't want to say I told you so, but he reminded me of 6 months ago when I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off and got pneumonia. Basically he said, "If I won't stop the insanity, my body will" and it did.

I don't miss my job as much as I thought I would. One thing I didn't realize how much I missed, was time with God.

I'm able to watch my shows about God again, I spend time praying and talking to God. I feel more at peace when I do that. I'm back to making my note cards with scriptures to remind me. Funnily enough every show I have watched has been on being too busy for God and you will fail over and over unless you put Him first.

I was classic, epic faily. I loved my job at first, I couldn't wait to get up and go. Then it just became too much and I became lost. Working day in and day in, working out, going to classes with members. Sometimes I would only be home to sleep. It was all too much.

I will 100% work again, but this time setting up boundaries on hours and days. 1 day off in 2 weeks isn't enough. Another guy there was doing the same and had a stroke.

I wake up in the morning, take anthony to work....Sometimes go back to bed, sometimes I stay awake. I spend time with God, I do laundry, I cook my own food and do any running I need to do.

For the first time in a long time, I feel peace.

Putting my home life back together where it all fell apart from me being gone.

=)

Ahhhh relief!!!

Love,

Me

Been A Good Summer, Been A Bad Summer

Been sick for about a week. I picked up a stomach bug in the ER, no surprise there and today have that.

I know God is working on it. I run myself down, I did it last year and got pneumonia. When will I get it and listen? This time I think I got the point.

Trying to find the good in things lately.

Trying to be positive and focus on the good.

*I felt okay for the past 2 days. Better, stronger.
*Elmer and I had a really good time last night and he made me smile and laugh which I felt I haven't done in awhile.
*Summer *IS* coming to and end, thank God.
*I have lots of tomatoes
*I'm not angry at myself as much anymore and am accepting me for who I am.
*I'm on here blogging about things that are positive instead of blogging about what's wrong.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Love,

Me

Off sick, lots O pondering

Have been sick lately. Long drawn out story of what happened, but I have laid in bed 3 days now. Not really any computer, a lot of TV and a lot of sleep.

My wheels keep going round and round about different things. Dizziness hit me again and I think to myself if I'm dizzy I'm no good. I had fears flash before my eyes of losing a job I love and being stuck inside this house on the computer which I hate.

I'm slowly trying to feed truth into myself about who I am and what I'm worth.

I have drawn a few conclusions this past 3 days. I don't want to be alone. I'm tired of it. I want someone to watch TV with, to hang out with...Just someone to do life with.

It kept flashing into my head that no one will want me if I'm dizzy and can't do anything. This lie has literally drained me. The one small hope I Held onto was the guy who came in my room when I was in the ER.

I was alone as usual. I was scared, tired and I dunno. Just blah. He was an EMS driver there transporting someone from that hospital to another one. He left her room and came into mine and just sat on the bed. I looked up and was like "Can I help you?" He said "I really just wanted to come in here and make sure you were okay." I told him I was fine.

Two more times he came in and I told him I had to pee. He said "I'm going to get permission to take care of you be right back" He slowly unhooked my heart machines, my IV and my other things and walked me to the restroom and waited for me.

We got back to my room and he hooked me up slowly so he could stop and talk to me. After that he stayed and talked to me for a bit til his partner was ready to go take the lady. Parts of me thinks he was just feeling sorry for me because I was alone, the other thinks "He was actually interested in me"

I really think he was, but trash talk in the back of my head says "No". It was nice, it was nice when he took my hand to lead me to the restroom. Just the compassion he showed towards me made me think so badly I want that. I don't want to do this life alone. I don't wanna be with people who hide the fact they know me.

Then I get worried that I'm going to be sick and that diminishes my value because I'm sick.

I sit here just crying because UGH! I wish my life were different.

I know it's what I make it, but how can I make it anything when I'm dizzy?

Confusion all around and I wish I had easy answers. At least I have some clarity of what I want more. It's all becoming black and white now instead of lots of gray.

Okay..........that's enough feelings for today.

Pray, pray, pray that I get well soon. Please.

Love,

Me

Vomit of words

I don't really know where to start other than to say BLAH!

Went to bed early last night so I could lay there and cry. Shortly before midnight woke up and cried again. I haven't cried in quite awhile because it makes me dizzy. Last night I didn't care. That's all I wanted to do.

I'm so F'in unhappy it's ridiculous. I'm stressed and resent everyone and everything that makes me unhappy. I resent people with easy lives. I'm angry.

I have no help and I'm sinking fast. Not just with God, I'm sinking at life. Fail 101. Who was I to ever think that my life could be anything other than it is?

My therapist basically "Told ya so" me on Friday. He continually told me before "How can you keep up at that pace?" I think "Why the hell can't I be normal and just deal with stress normally?"

One thing he did offer me that was some comfort was that my stress is not normal. He said it overwhelms him hearing what I have to deal with.

I just need help. Last night I got angry at God again, which really bothers me. He brought me to a life I loved last summer, to one I loathe this summer. But did He bring me? Did I take myself?

I'm mad at so many people. I really want a do over on life. Go somewhere give them my phone, my house, my car and say take this..........give me a new one. Give me one with people who actually care.

I cab't go back to sleep this morning because I just keep thinking about how am I going to fit all the stuff I need to in today. Juan called last night w/ a laundry list of stuff to do. I have to go to work and be dizzy. Anthony needs a ride to and from work. Football practice, dogs.........

I get pissed off that Brett died, I get pissed off Juans dad won't take on any responsibility. It all falls on me and I start questioning God with the "Why me?"

Throw Kyles crap in there.....When I was looking in the mirror last night I realized "I'm defeated"

I am. No time for exercise today because I have to do everything for everyone else. Made a list of the top stressors in my life and ugh....

Going back to community groups tomorrow and try to start to put my life back in the direction it was when I was happy last year.

Last summer was the best of my life. Wish I could have a repeat.

I think I'll send myself a big bunch of dasies at work. Daisys.......

Love,

Dianna

Big game of tug o war

Haven't blogged too awful much lately. My aunt suggested I journal my really dry spell and my struggles as of late.

I didn't even really feel like doing that. Dry spell wasn't even the word, it was just void.

Sometimes I feel that God let me go back to everything I was missing to show me...."This is what you were missing." With fresh eyes I think "How on earth could I miss this?"

My life feels like a huge game of tug o war in a few different directions. Not a real good feeling.

I've been a little closer to God lately and never realized or understood til now what a wonderful gift His grace truly is.

I'm humbled beyond words at the grace He gives to me over and over. I totally haven't deserved any of it lately and He gives it.

I prayed for Him to show me which way to go as I struggle with switching churches and what I'm doing and unbelievable stuff just happens over and over again.

My dry spell ended Sunday. I really was just at an all low point and really on the verge of quitting it all and completely reverting back to a life that I didn't enjoy. Lets just say there's a girl I didn't think liked me etc. I don't really know how to put it other than I knew God one day would use her in my life. I was going to communion on Sunday and pass her and she grabs me, hugs me and tells me she misses me at group.

I was in shock, but that was the start....A card at work from a lady telling me how much I'm appreciated. People calling up there to see if I'm there so they can come in. People telling me that I make all the difference at work. A guy today bringing me in a stack of postcards because he wanted to show me every single place he visited while he was on vacation.

I just sit back and think...."People actually think about me outside of work?" They do.

I don't know the answer, I know I will still fail over and over...But I'm understanding so much right now that it's times like this when God is showing me not only His mercy, but so much of His grace.

I totally love Him so much and just wish I had easy answers for everything going on. I think that's His point though. He's showing me there really are no answers.

I try to fix everything and run my life the way I think it should go and I fail epically all over. When I try to do this, I'm going to fail.

Yesterday I was filled with so much joy. A joy and a peace that could only come from God. My hope is in Christ, not in anything else.

I really didn't enjoy my old life and He's helping me see how much I enjoy the one He gave me.

There's so much out there waiting for me. People who want to be with me. I don't have to force it or wish for it because it's true. I'm wanted =) and that's a wonderful feeling to have.

I repeat to myself all day long, my hope is in Christ.

Have a wonderful day =)

Love,

Me

It's Friday!!

I finally got some much needed time off!!

Wanted to work out in my garden today, but I have an angry bird that's about to drive me to drinkin. At first I thought it was cute and sweet and now it's just annoying. It's a mother and a father bird, she made a nest on my front porch. Grumble and that's all I have to say about that.

Not too much else going on, still losing a lot of weight and exercising 5 to 6 days a week.

My stress is starting to dwindle some. I have been trying to weed out things and situations that cause me the most stress. It seems to be helping a little.

Other than that, nothing but working and exercising....then the fighting off angry birds when I leave my house.

Have a great 4th of July weekend and be safe =D

Love,

Me

Off today YAY!!

Enjoying the heck out of my off day =)

Reading back over some of my old posts and again a stopping point to see how much I have grown. Thank God!! =) Little changes over time.

I'm at such a point in my life right now where I'm happy to not hate myself so much.

I deserve good things. I deserve the best that life has to offer and I'm not stopping to settle for crap anymore =)

My confidence is rising at a slow rate and I'm seeing truly what I deserve.

I deserve so much better than I get
I believe it =D


What the heck took so long?

It's awful being at the bottom of a pit believing that it is what I deserve.

I know good things are coming my way =)
I know good things are coming my way =)
I know good things are coming my way =)

I can't tell you how happy I feel, just to know that.

A guy stopped by my desk yesterday. Such a wonderful, wonderful fella. We talk all the time and about everything and as he was walking out the door yesterday he hollered back in "Don't you dare settle for less than you deserve and if you wanna know what it is that you deserve, I'll show you!"

I'm a cute girl. I have a big heart and a great personality and as he told me "Whoever lands me will be the luckiest man alive."

=)

He will be =)

Okay I'm taking my happy self out to enjoy my off day =)

Love,

Me

Getting to the root of the problem

As you can tell from my last few posts, I haven't had a clue where all the garbage in my head and heart have been coming from.

I think about it, I analyze it...Nothing makes any sense and I find myself overly frustrated.

Today before work I was laying in the tub and started crying. It makes me sad that I have reached a total point of not caring about anything. I don't want to be to that point where I literally don't care.

I have been trying like hell to figure out what's wrong with me.

I am in a spiritual dry period. I pray every night, but haven't been spending much time with God. I go to read my bible and think to myself "I just don't want to" I'm unhappy at church and haven't been feeling very "Godly" towards it on any level.

I asked God to show me what was wrong, please and He led me to :

Jeremiah 29:13
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

This morning I got up and didn't go weigh in, I just laid in bed for a bit and thought about how to do this. Did lots of thinking about how much I loathe who I have become lately.

I talked to God for awhile and hoppped in my car to go to spin class and put my Joyce Meyer CD in about negative attitude.

Funnily enough I had no idea what was on the CD, I just grabbed it and left. God finally led me to what was wrong in my heart. I spend more time complaining lately than I do being thankful for everything that I have.

I complain about my eyes, but I wasn't thankful that I can see. I complain that my ears are messed up and I'm dizzy, but I'm not thankful that I can hear. I complain that my teeth hurt, but I'm not thankful I have a mouth to praise God with and talk.

The list goes on and on of stuff I have been complaining about and I have been at peace ever since I confessed my un-thankful heart and have been taking more time to stop, pause and think before I start to complain.

Hopefully I'll get my heart back to the right place. A good sign is that I think about what's wrong with me and it shows me that I do care. I'm not there caring about everything, but I most importantly care about right standing with God.

Made possible by Jesus of course =)

I love Him =)

Thinking about trying a new church more with-in my age range. A lot of people from my work go there and tell me it's wonderful. I have some more thinking to do and we shall see!

Have a great weekend! See you next Saturday!

Love,

Me

It's Saturday =)

Waiting for floors to dry and thought I'd bop in to blog.

Feeling much of the same way I did Monday. Had a bit of a breather today and really had time to think about things I want.

Had time to think about things that are best for me.

I've set some goals today and thought about things that are bad for me and things that take a lot of energy out of me.

They need to go. How or what that looks like... I don't know, but I know enough to know I don't want it anymore.

Some good notes =D

On a wonderful note I lost 3 lbs this week =) Switched it up from my usual 2.2 =)

I can't wait for tomorrow =D I'm really, really excited.

I'm happy my heart doesn't hurt anymore and that those feelings are over. =D

I have had a really, really good day today =)

Off to enjoy the rest of it. Waiting on a phone call and may be going on a date =)

Pressing on, pressing forward

and leaving the past where it needs to be.

Behind me =)

Love,

Dianna

Went to bloggety blog

For a few days now and I just didn't feel like writing. God is changing me slowly. I look back at who I was last year and who I am this year. That girl doesn't exist much anymore.

I find myself in the throes of frustration lately. Today I think it came to a head....I cursed, got upset and really lost it for a few minutes.

I felt a bit of the past coming back when I was like that, but I don't listen to God and of course I back slide right into messes I want no part of.

He changed my heart again and ugh....Stuff I thought would never happen, feelings I thought I would never lose, gone. The more time that passes, the more the feelings fade.

Do I want the feelings out of habit or because they were real? I'm thinking out of habit.

I just don't know what God is doing in any area of my life and I'm so very frustrated. Everything is changing and I don't even really make time for Him anymore.

Parts of me think He's trying to show me where I didn't listen, the wisdom as to why. Except this time with each inch of wisdom goes a ton of feelings.

Gone...Poof...Gone.

There's nothing I can do. I know the feelings leaving are for the best and as days pass I get the wisdom I so badly prayed for.

Sometimes it's very sad.

I find myself not wanting to believe things about people...Thinking, oh that's not the case.

Time later finding out, it is the case.

One thing I am excited about is what God has for my future. He's doing things His way, the right way.

Going to try to sleep. Got a lot of praying to do to clean up the mess I made today...Guess I didn't listen in church that Jesus already cleaned up my messes. Because of Him, I am forgiven.

Jesus sure does rock =)

Pray for me.

Love,

Dianna

Busy Days

Life/Work have been non-stop busy. Passing 30 minutes idly by...Waiting for spin class to start.

Things have been wonderful, but some changes have rolled around I'm still unsure how to handle.

I guess I don't really need to know how to handle them. I think God is taking me where He wants me to go, not where I wanted to stay.

In all honesty, I'm ready for the new. 100% ready =)

I wish I had some energy for class. I sit here after an 8 hour non-stop day...I can't remember which way is up. I didn't sleep well...Did I mention work was busy? Hope it's not indicative of the summer approaching.

Anyways Life is wonderful right now.

Missing blogging, but keep emailing me.

Love,

Dianna

Nightfall

You know on days like today I am saddened when nightfall comes. You ever have such a good day that you don't want it to end?

That was today. Nothing special happened so to speak, it was just the people I was with and the peace I felt today. Just so nice.

Not to mention I was blessed with a wonderful gift of the best home-made gluten free chicken n dumplins I have ever tasted in my life!! Words can't describe how good they were.

I'm sunburned, I'm in a food coma despite losing my usual 2.2 lbs this week and I'm happier than I have been in a very long time =)

Funny sometimes I wish nightfall would hurry and come so I can get the day overwith....Not today.

=D Life truly is wonderful sometimes.

Have a great Memorial Day

Love,

Di

Wed Nes Day

Truth hurts. Whether it comes from God who knows true hearts or if it comes from friends who can see what you don't.

"Truth shall set you free" I hear....Maybe so.

I wait for acceptance I'm never going to get. Never.

Truth.

I don't hurt inside though. I miss the peace I used to feel.

What the hell is wrong with me? Really?

I don't need people to tell me the truth. Trust me I know it.

Well, Juans out of the shower, time for mine.

Expecting a tornado outbreak tonight....Big suprise there.

I miss my sunshine.

Have a great Wed Nes Day

=D

Love,

Moi

Some days

I get tired.

Some days I don't have the strength to deal with pure crap like I do on other days.

I'm just tired and tired of exhausting resources to things that are stagnant.

My head hurts. Did I mention I'm tired?

Wish people would grow up.

Love,

Me

It's Sunday =)

The week started out a bit rough, but has ended so sweetly =D

Busy most of the week. Angel and I did I think 5 or 6 spin classes, I exercised on top of that. Yesterday I was sore to say the least, but it was all good.

Had a long talk with a good friend who set me straight on a lot of things currently going on in my life. They always tell me the absolute truth, it sinks in, I see it.

I think sometimes I like to step inside a fantasy world and mold things to make them appear the way I want them to. In reality they are nothing of the sort.

Thank God for good friends =D

Been spending lots of time talking to God lately. He was absent for so long and finally came back. I don't think He was absent as much as I think I was.

Life without Him is nothing but confusion, life with Him is peace. =)

Getting ready to head to church. Had a real busy day yesterday, but it was so wonderful =)

I got me a new iphone, so that's really cool =D I LOVE it =)

Did some late night gardening.

Life is sweetly good sometimes =)

Love,

Me

Am I walking around w/ a furrowed brow or something?

Every single person I have come in contact w/ lately tells me how unhappy I look and how I act unhappy.

I walk in work yesterday and the first thing Cindy says is "I miss the way you used to be, I don't like you like this"

Everyone and their mother I come across say the same thing. I took a pic of myself and my brows aren't furrowed......I'm not getting it.

Maybe it's just the constant confusion I live under. I dunno. =(

I wish I was as happy as I was ,but I just don't feel it. I dunno =( Sorry and I'll try to get back to where I was once I figure it out.

Love,

Me

Lil Update

I went and deleted the posts I made in private. Was good to let my feelings out I suppose.

Real confused lately, does that suprise anyone? I think that's what my point was of going private. I can't really say how I really feel about things and I don't want to feel like I'm whining.

I'm to the point where I don't know how to feel. God is giving me lots of wisdom and I see clearly what huge mistakes I am making. I'm just not sure if I have the strength to start to change them or the will to want to. I do what I can, He will do what I can't.

I don't know what happened to me. My wants have changed greatly. I used to wish and pray for situations to work out and now I just want them to go away. I'm tired of acting like I care, when I do not. Then a cycle of guilt occurs, because I don't care. I try to make myself like people I do not like, then again guilt. It's like my feelings were shut off and there was nothing leading up to it. Just gone.

Tried explaining that to a few people this morning and I can't explain it. It's just where there was something, void.

Like Voldemort when he sucks the life out of everything. The unicorns, the people. He sucks it all out to keep his own life. That's how I feel. Empty.

Sorry my update wasn't better. 3 short months ago I was on top of the world and now I feel as if I'm on the very bottom.

Abba Father!

Love,

Dianna

Good bye for now =)

Saying good bye to blogging and going private. I have a lot I need to work out and I need to do it in private.

Maybe one day I'll make public again, but for now

Thanks =)

~di

Been Such A Long TIme

Good grief, I have worked my butt off this week. I'm just laying in my bed spending some time on the net =)

Things are going really well, same as before.

The date thing....Well, I told the guy I would go out with him... I told him to pick the place. Typical guy he picked a cabin in the woods for the weekend....I was like "Um, I told you I would go on a date with you, not go to a cabin with you."

He got upset with me. @@ This is me not caring that he is upset with me. C'mon...Seriously?

Talking to a new fella....We shall see how that pans out. I have no expectations going into it.

Hmmmmm....What else. Savannahs 9th birthday was today =D YAY!!

Got my first ever new car YAY =)

Lost my normal, on schedul 2.2 lbs this week.

Looking forward to next week, having a bit of free time and spending some much needed time with God.

I miss that time with my Papa =D

My flowers are all coming up and I can't use my camera =( ...

That's really about all the update I have for now. I'm sooooooooo tired, I can't hardly keep my eyes open.

Going to bed and gonna have some sweet, sweet dreams!

<3

~me

Blogging now, b/c next week I'm swamped

Today was wonderful and this evening just a slide...I'm exhausted. I'm sick of self-asorbed people...

Take, take, take but you never give...

That about sums up my evening.

I'm not really sure what to do. I am so confused. Tired of one sided friendships where I have to listen to them all the time.

I have to work 10 hr days all week. Monday - Friday...

I have really nothing to say....I can't think of anything nice so I'll restrict my comments to the weather.

Today was beautiful. Went bike riding, walked....

The end.

Selfish people stink.

The real end.

~Me

Moving On....

Well, giving it a try at least.

This dating thing has really been pressing on me lately hard. It's like I want a relationship so bad at points and then I turn and run like a scared dog from it.

I have been on dates and talk to people....But one guy kinda gave me the run down of how I am running away from him and anyone else.

I was aggravated at first because I didn't want to believe I did that. I always said "I'm entirely too busy." I even try to drill that into my own head that I am too busy for a relationship.

So while we were talking I realized, maybe I wasn't trying to convince him. Maybe I was trying to convince myself. He's such a nice guy and in the back of my head I think "What am I doing?" I have even used "God hasn't put him on my heart." All to keep people at a safe distance to keep from being hurt.

I'm putting my hope in people and not Christ. ugh.

This has been bugging me for awhile now and ever since him and I had the conversation I have leaned towards how right he is and how wrong I am.

I felt bad because he said "I'm not going to sit around and wait forever for you Dianna."

What if my complacency leads to me living my life alone?

I was so stressed out last night over all this. My therapist thinks I'm making excuses too.

He's just such a nice, nice guy. UGH.

Does this all boil down to my fear of viewing myself as un-loveable?

Lord God, help me not only to fully accept how much you love me, but help me to abide in Your love! (John 15:9)

If I truly believed how much God loved me, I would be confident in other relationships.

I've never wanted money, never wanted material things. All I have ever wanted in all my years of life was too be loved and yet I can't accept it from anyone.

Help my unbelief oh Lord.

Pray for me that I quit being so complacent and take that step.

Love,

~me

Spring Has Sprung =)

I checked my clematis tonight after seeing my brothers growing back and mine are growing back too!! I had more than my brother!! I took a pic, but the printer won't let me view the card reader. Grumble. It's a beautiful sight!

Things have been going well here. I had a stomach something for a few days and I feel a lot better.

Today was the close of Redemption Group and so much stuff flooded my mind. God has brought me so far and I open doors He closed for me. I'm now plagued with regret opening them.

I honestly don't know what to do. I am the queen of getting myself into huge messes. Why can't people just behave and grow up? That's one question I ask God over and over....Why can't people just act the way they are supposed to.

I forget we live in a fallen world. Like that would be so easy to forget. 2 minutes of any news cast will remind one of that.

You know one thing Redemption Group taught me is that people really do change. I changed. But the thing is....God has to change them and they have to invite God in their life to do so.

On our last RG we talked about fruits of the spirit, that's how you can tell if someone has changed. What fruit do they bear?

I just wish I had a magic wand to wave and fix everything. Undo what I did. I didn't miss the frustration at all......I just have to pray to God to change my heart. Put at least like where there is dis-like.

I dunno...........Enough about that whole mess, my flowers are growing back!!

=D

Seeing all the work today done in my Godly families life was overwhelming. God truly is amazing.

He sure did help me out last night when I kept having nightmares. Prince of Peace indeed =).

Enough rambling for now, Happy Spring =)

A guy at work said he would fix my old puter....I think I'm gonna take him up on that. I can't stand not using my camera!

Happy Sunday

Love,

~me

Howdy =)

Hi!!

Just stopping by to check in!! I am so loving my job =D

I absolutely love it!!

All the people are wonderful and I laugh almost all day. Sometimes I leave and my face hurts from laughing and smiling so much.

Everyone keeps waiting for me to despies it.....But like with anything in life, it's what you make it.

Where I came from, what God brought me too.... I am just happy to be working.

So much joy lately =D

<3

Tomorrow it's supposed to be 70 YAY!! =D

Have a fantastic week =D

Love,

Me

Happy Saturday!

I have 3 days off in a row...not sure what to do with myself =)

I have a bit of a head cold or allergies. But....things are going really well!

I love my job VERY much =)

Spring is almost here, this weekend we spring forward =)

That means I can get out in my yard again. I have to figure out a way to get my computer fixed, so I can use my camera. I am totally missing taking pics.

Going to the movies today YAY!! I haven't been out in a long time, so I am going to enjoy it.

I'll give a better update later. Gotta get ready for today =)

Hope everyone is well.

Love,

Di

Finally A Break Through!!!!

Finally, finally, FINALLY!!! Hallelujia!

I have spent the last couple months going through Redemption Group. It's been tough at times and tonight I was in a bad mood...I just didn't want to go...

I should've taken that as a sign of good things are coming.

I felt so spiritually zapped inside. I questioned my faith, questioned my God, questioned what He is doing and feeling that I knew better than He did.

I was so wrong. He has revealed so much to me. The true heart of people (good and bad), growing in faith and growing as a Christian. Learning what it means to preach the gospel to myself and actually understand what that means.

The group of women He placed me with is the biggest blessing of my life. They fed me so much of God's truth tonight. I was believing so many lies and they took all my dark places and put them into the light.

I feel like a weight was lifted and I have my joy back. =) No one can be to me what God is. My idols fail me.

It's funny when you have an idol...whether it be a person, a thing, an addiction....God has showed me slowly what my idols are. Some are noticeable, some are not. He has gently shown me what my idols are made of. Slowly at His pace I see the truth.

No one, no thing.......Nothing can be what God is to me. Now......I need to apply that daily and just pray that God keeps me close to Him and learn to believe all of His truths.

=)

Idols do fall. Hallelujia! They fall!!

=D

Love,

~Me

My First Backslide.....

Yea, yea, yea. I have heard over and over again this year about people backsliding as a Christian....So...There I go.

Going down the hills quicker than I can try to even claw my way up.

I screwed up majorly and now I'm seeing it. I don't know how to get myself out of this mess.

I'm so tired of people who use others. I'm so naive to think people have changed and well...while change does happen, it hasn't in this case.

I'm so stupid. Absolutely stupid.

I don't know how to fix any of this and I need to be asking God to help me out of this pit I put myself in, instead of blaming Him for putting me back in it.

My job is going well. I'm very busy and very good at what I do. =) I'm exhausted a lot because I work all the time......But, it's all a good thing.

Pray for me and pray for me to be able to close the door I opened yet again....The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

I keep hoping that the results are different.

They never are.

You know when people use others....it crushes their spirit. No matter what you use them for. Use them for your own happiness, use them to do something for you, use them to do things you don't want to do, use them as a fill-in when someone else can't be with you.

It's wrong to use people. Sometimes people just want to be wanted. Want someone to call them just because they wanted to hear their voice....


John 10:10....I know it by heart. The thief comes only to kill, steal and destroy.....I came so that we might have life and have it in abundance.

Grumble..I'm an idiot.

Love,

Me

Meh

I dis-like when people disappoint me over n over n over n over n over again. That's why I'm so glad God will never disappoint me. =) Ever.

Work is going okay.....Been sick and it's made it harder.

Getting ready to go to work this morning.

Pray for me.

love,

Di

One step closer to spring =)

Planted my lil seedlings in the indoor seed starter kit =)

Didn't plant all of them in case I do something wrong.

Can't wait to see them sprout on up =)

Hooray!

Love,

~Me

A lil update

My life is about to get tons busier, so taking the time to update a bit before I disappear for a bit.

Quick question.....any of you guys know how to make my Facebook Profile private? I had to get the new profile and the options aren't in the same place and some how it's public. Yikes!!

I start work Friday =) They hurried and got me in there. I felt the love as they were all wanting me on their shift <3 They said I will liven the place up! It's refreshing to hear things like that and how much good energy I put off. Compliment after compliment! Such a change! I have to go pants shopping tomorrow =) Since I lost so much weight, it actually won't be a dread! Looking forward to it!! People have been telling me lately "Your hair looks fantastic, when did you get it done?" No exaggeration probably 8 people in the last couple weeks. My hair has always been the same LOL it's just the weight loss! When I tell them that, they are like "omg yea". ( I can't get a double space in here and it's making me crazy) A couple of months ago I thought my night blooming jasmine was going to the great green house in the sky. All her leaves were falling off and ugh I was just sad. Last week she took off like a mad crazy woman with sprouting. As you can see below, she lost her leaves for new ones!!

And below is all her growing!!



She's looking just as gorgeous as she did over the summer! My brother and his wife came over the other day and said they had to get one. She smells so good and bloomed 3 times over the summer.

I got all my starter stuff for my seeds and going to plant them this weekend in the tiny green house! =)

Hmmm can't think of much else and it will probably be awhile til I post again. I literally am either working, going to CPR, computer class and orientation every night and day. On top of that being a mom, working out and doing the other stuff I do.

Life so rocks.

Praise God =)

I loves Him!

Shoot me an email a/b FB if you know!

Love, Love, Love

Me

It has been a great week

I wish they all could be like this one. It's like when you see in the movies all the lights are green, traffic is good, everyone is smiling and saying hi at you!

Sunday night and I have to be to work tomorrow at 9 YAY!! =)

The job takes the cake this week...So much good stuff has happened and I'm like huh?

I even got asked to go to Mexico for a week and he'd pay for it!

All good stuff happening all around!! =)

I hope Monday proves to be even better =)

I really thank God last week was so wonderful!

Hope everyone has a great week next week!!

Love,

~me

Saw a great movie tonight....

Secretariat......Excellent movie =)

I'm not biased or anything living in Kentucky...

Great horse, great movie!!

<3

Me

Updating a bit more

I had to run to the bank to get some checks and stuff for Monday to take to payroll.

I'm so happy my heart feels fluttery like when you fall in love!!

The LAST real job I have had (outside of doing independant stuff) was at Nichol's Tae Kwon Do and Judo Academy on Richmond Hwy in Alexandria VA.... I remember it REALLY well.

Working in an actual place has been a huge source of anxiety for me, with my PTSD.

The last night I worked I came home late...Kids were asleep. I didn't check on them or anything. Woke Anthony up for school the next day and his whole face was black and blue.

I was in shock and asked him what happened. He said "Daddy kept hitting me with the phone cause I wouldn't go to sleep. I went to sleep mommy."

I didn't know what to do because the kids were never his outlet. Only me.

So......I went to Mr. Nichols (who to this day is still my friend) and told him I couldn't work anymore. A week later I moved back to KY.

Everytime I tried to work and would be at work I would start having anxiety worrying if the kids were okay, if someone was hurting them.

I have tried to work over the years and just couldn't.

I had to do things like clean houses and hair cuts here and there where I could either take the kids with me or leave if I needed to.

I have prayed about this over and over again. I asked God to help me find a job I would be good at and where I could make a difference.

I know I'm ready. I know.

Seeing that job open up on that board.......Grabbing that application without even a tiny bit of apprehension.

That job was made for me and I'm so excited words can't even describe.

God brought me to it and He will get me through it.

I'm so happy!

Thank God. <3

=)

YAY!! I got the job!!!!!

~Dianna

I..........................

Got the job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got the jobbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb =)

I feel like I'm walking on sunshine!!


Praise God!!!!!!!!!!!

I got the job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love,

Me

Lil Update

I have been getting a lot of emails and posts on Facebook asking how the interview went, so I decided to do a full update instead of typing it out over and over.

Interview went great and apparently LOTS of people were waiting for the same job to open up....They have 12 people competing for the same job.

I'm not nervous at all. If it's meant for me to have that job, I'll have it.

I asked God for favor before I went in and if it's in His plan.... =) I'll get it.

If not, then something better is coming my way!!

She said it usually takes a week to process all the applications and for now I'll just play the waiting game.

Thanks for not only the prayers and well wishes...Thanks for all the encouragement and just the love people have been showering on me.

I'm blessed!!

We got a suprise snow storm last night....grumble, grumble.

Mid-February I'm going to start growing my seeds inside and I'm going to start a gardening bloggety blog!!

=) Things are going so well. Yesterday I got told I was cute as a cup cake LOL!!

Made me feel good.

Happy Thursday!!

Love,

Dianna

Need some prayers!!!

I am so excited.........My life is changing at such an unreal pace it's unreal LOL!

The job I have been wanting for forever and a day FINALLY came open this morning at the gym.

Dave took my application and gave it directly to Kim who with-in 5 minutes called me for an interview!! They wanted me to come in tonight, but I have redemption group.........But tomorrow at 2 I have my interview!!!

They are sending me straight to the group interview and it's intimidating because I know everyone who will be interviewing me.

I can't stop smiling because I am soooo happy. All those people are like my family and I'm just super excited.

Pray lots please =)

Love,

Dianna

Saturday

I'm exhausted!

Just finished the weekend long Redemption group and getting a breather til it starts back Monday night.

I had no idea what it was and to be honest before going into it, my life was so chaotic that I had no idea what to expect.

It was Friday night and all day today and will resume on Mondays for 8 weeks.

To say that it was intense is an understatement...

It was so eye opening to not only share my pain, but hear the pain of beautiful women and some beautiful men as well.

To see that everyone has tremendous struggles. To see that love through Christ can heal that pain.

I never realized til today how much I have changed. How far I have come and how much Jesus redeems me constantly.

I fell so much deeper in love with the one who created me. I really thought I loved Him so much, til this weekend when it went a step higher and I fell that much deeper in love with Him.

God is so good.

I love Him.

I could say it a million times and it wouldn't be enough to tell you how much I love Him.

The way He works in peoples lives. The way He uses every relationship we have to redeem us.

To know all that pain wasn't for nothing.

To know His ways are not our ways.

I love Him.

Love,

~Di

Sweet, Sweet Jesus

When you have a mentally ill child some days you feel as if your whole life has been turned upside down.

You can be coasting along in life and on a dime everything changes.

Today was one of those days. For the past two weeks my life has been very chaotic, leaving me exhausted.

This morning everything escalated higher than it ever had before. I literally wanted to walk in my door fall prostrate on the floor and stay there. I could sink no lower nor could I feel or go any lower.

I went back to my bed to cry and something happened...

Not really sure how to write what happened but it was amazing. Let me find a good analogy....

You know how people leave scents on clothes? Like maybe your mom's closet smells like your mom's perfume or your husband takes off his shirt and if you picked it up to smell it, it would smell like him?

Today when I was on my bed, the tears falling with no end in sight...I got that feeling. An overwhelming feeling that Jesus was right there with me. Like I could smell Him and just this sensation that overtook me and He was there.

I can't explain it and I have never experienced anything like it. Ever. My heart became so full.......It's like all those broken pieces spilling out all over, Jesus was in thereh holding them all together and healing them.

My heart had the butterflies in it like when you are first in love.

It was if He didn't want me to doubt for a second He was there. I wish I could explain it better...

I know when I was married and my husband always used to come in and kiss me before he left for work. You could smell his aftershave, cologne.....whatever it was for a few minutes after he left.

Smell it enough to know he was there.

Same concept, cept He didn't leave.

I am so in love with Jesus.

He just makes everything alright.

I love Him.

~Di

A bit of change

My computer suffered a cruel, fast death....I was blessed w/ a wonderful, wonderful gift of a brand new lap top =) I LOVE it!!

Love

=)

Love

I'm getting a new email address and will shortly phase out my current one. If you don't already have the new one just leave me a comment or email me at my current addy and I will give you the new one.

By the end of the month I should be fully using my new one.

=)

Love, Love, LOVE

~Me

Coming up on a year

Since God found me.

My therapist is working on a plan for February. February is when my SAD gets the worst and I get pretty severely depressed.

This year it's starting to creep up on me. I have to remember how God changed me and is changing me. I was an awful mess when God found me.

Good grief, the lies I told. The things I did.

I have to remember every day that Jesus redeemed me.

I'm scared sometimes because I'm so afraid that girl who I was will come back out. I don't want to be her. I'm so scared, but God won't let me go back. I have to say that over and over. I'm not her anymore. God won't let me go back.

I needed to hear todays message in church so bad. The cross. The cross. The cross.

The cross changed me.

I did really bad things. I said really bad things. I lied.

I get upset by things people have done to me and never stop to think of the things I have done to others.

Upset by someone lying to me and they have no idea to the extent I lied to them.

I suck.

I need Jesus. I have come such a long, long way in becoming someone different. I need to lay my past down at Jesus feet. I repented, God forgave me because of Jesus.

I need to quit living in the past, not forgiving myself. Accept the forgiveness that was given to me.

I suck and desperately need Jesus.

I need to extend the grace given to me, to others. People do bad things, people say bad things. No one is a pyramid of virtue. Everyone is in need of a Savior.

My past is not my future. Jesus is my future.

I wish I could forgive myself as easily as God forgave me.

The cross.

Live it.

Love it.

Wash, rinse, repeat til I GET IT.

Happy Sunday.

Love,

~me ~dianna

Dreams

Sometimes I have such good dreams that I don't want to wake up. Sometimes I can't figure out why I dreamed what I did.

Sometimes I dream something so real that I wake up and feel guilty for what people say in the dream.

I wish I knew how to go to sleep and make them all pleasant.

I didn't forget. I didn't.

Love,

~me

Edit Smedit

I should really do drafts before I hit publish because I make a ton of grammical errors. x.x

Add that to my New Years Resolution =)

Howdy on a Tuesday!

Luke 6:45
The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.

So.......Today I finally understood it. I have recited it, written it....Finally.

For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.

Taking that scripture and applying it over the last 5 years or so......I wish I would've understood that sooner.

I would've never had to ask anyone if they loved me. What was in their heart came out through their mouth. Over and over and over.

Now I know.

I've wasted too many years. I am angriest at myself for the last 3 or 4. Slowly working through all that anger and forgiving myself. Everyone makes bad choices and bad decisions. Learn from them and move on...Wiser =o)

I had the answers all along.

Why couldn't God of found me sooner?

Well, the important thing is, He found me now! I'm doing better than I ever have in my life. All with His help of course. Best teacher ever =o)

Have a great Tuesday!

Lots of snow here YAY!!

=)

Love,

~me

So One of My New Year's Goals

Is to stop depriving myself. I never do anything for myself and that's gonna change this year.

First stop on my list yesterday......To buy me a pair of RUNNING shoes =)

I have stuck with exercising for 2 years and it isn't leaving. I'm going to start street training for jogging this spring.

I can do over 6 miles in the gym.......With all my weight loss and with my sticking with it.....Reward =) Shoes!!

I love them and yesterday I did 1028 calories and almost 7 miles in those babies!!

YAY!!!!!!!!

Love,

~Me

Winter Go Away!!

I actually sat in my room and cried today because I miss summer and spring so bad.

I never realized how much flowers were the high lights of my mornings. Every single morning I would wake up and RUN outside to see if something new cropped up.

Watching my seeds grow to flowers...

My heart would actually jump when something new was out there. I don't think I ever smiled like I did when I had a new flower.

I bought a garden bag w/ new gloves, all new tools =)! Last night I packed all my seeds I want to use in the bag and I'm looking online to order some new ones, unusual ones.

Ready for my butterflies to come back. I'm just ready for spring!!!!!

Winter is dragging on, but soon it will be over.

BRB Gonna go snap a pic of my new garden bag =D

Here she is....YAY!!


She has lots of stuff inside too, including my seeds!!

Come on March.

I can't wait!!!

Argh, but I have to!

=( Winter, sminter.....I'm gonna move to a tropical climate!!

<3

~Me

Happy New Year =)

Glad 2010 is OVER =)

However, the high light of my year was being baptized =)

I'm so glad the holidays are over! I can't wait to get back outside in my yard! Been planning stuff to do with my yard this year and I can't wait!!

=)

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know I'll share pics!!

Have a fantastic new year!

All my love,

~Dianna

Changes....

This morning my head is swirling at all the changes of late and none of it makes any sense. This post will be rambling =)

I have been holding onto God tightly...I don't know where all this is going, I just know that He promises to work everything together for good.

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

It may seem (it is)crazy right now, but it's just a stepping stone into something good because it is written that it will be good.

I'm tired. I'm angry at myself. I'm confused about multiple things. I'm scared. I'm sad.

One positive thing I noticed in my year of changes is that I have been taking my thoughts and making them captive to Christ. Almost instantly when I think something bad I remember God's truth. That for me is changing 38 years worth of non-sense I speak to myself. Truth will set you free.

He has been delivering peace to me over and over and over again. I have cried out continously for help lately and always He is there!

He will never, ever leave me. He will never stop loving me. He won't lie to me. He won't forsake me. He LOVES me. Truly.

Sometimes He gets quiet and I begged Him not to go quiet right now. I couldn't take that with the multitude of everything else going on.

I have to hold on and know He is always there.

I wish the changes would stop, but I guess that's the thing I can count on is things will always change.

Have to remember the good changes too.....Like I've lost so much weight and my body changing was a HUGE good change.

I can run 6 full miles without stopping......good change.

Taking my bad thoughts and putting God's truth on them....good change.

Lots and lots of good changes.

Funny, I asked God the other day in my anger....Why? Why? Why? Why do some people seem to get off so easy on the things they do and why am I always called out to do the right thing?????

His answer came immediately. Loud and clear...."Because I expect better out of you."

=) I love Him.

Have a great new year.

As you can tell my post was all over the place, that's about how my brain is right now.

Been a very, very wonderful year for me. Full of positive changes.

I can't wait to see what good He is working out for me through this current batch of changes.

Love,

~me

Christmas Night

Saying bye to Christmas this year has proven a little tough. It truly has been one of the best Christmas's I have ever had.

*It was a perfect white Christmas.
*I am surrounded by wonderful family and friends.
*Jesus the light of this world was born.
*All my children were home and are well.
*I got everything I could ask or hope for.
*People really, really love me.
*God really, really loves me.
*God has blessed me more than I could ever dream of.

Tonight I will go to sleep. Tomorrow God willing I will wake up and life will be back to normal.

Next holiday Valentine's day and I will count down the days til spring comes.

Happy Birthday baby Jesus. I love and need you.

Merry Christmas.

Much Love,

~Dianna

Looking for some good in winter

In the days of missing summer, I'm trying to find the positives in winter when a.) It's not even winter yet b.) It's cold, snowy and we are trapped in the house.

This is gonna be hard!!

*I'll start with my personal favorite....Navel oranges are in season!! I bought a huge bag yesterday. They taste so good this time of year. I absolutely LOVE them!

*The snow makes everything look clean!

*After the brutal summer, the brutal cold is a little (and I stress little) depressing.

*The gym is less crowded. (til January LOL)

*Jesus birthday!! =)

*My Christmas tree smells heavenly!

*I love my blue jeans

*Anthony's home from college for Christmas break!

*My dogs get their winter coats and they are soooooo soft.

Okay, that's all the happiness for winter I can take right now!! Gonna go find some snuggly socks!!

I Love me some socks!!!! My ducky ones got a hole in them, wahhhhh! That's okay, an orange is a quick fix solution!

Off to eat one =)

Have a fantastic snow day!

Love,

~me

Betty

Not sure if I ever blogged about Betty, but she's a wonderful woman I workout with at the gym.

Going as much as I do, for as long as I have, you become attached to the people.

There's a woman there named Betty. I have watched her for 2 years lift weights, jog, exercise. Always with a huge smile on her face and always with kind words to say to everyone else. She's 75 years old and I never said much to her other than hi til a few months ago.

I got the honor of working out next to her quite a bit lately. I asked her how she has such ambition at her age. It's amazing to watch, especially when she always has a smile on her face.

She told me that she had cancer a few years ago. Lung cancer. It's back now and stage 2. She said as long as she's working out, she's fighting the cancer. As long as she's in there, it hasn't beat her yet.

Her husband is also battling cancer. A battle they are doing together. So, every day I go in and it's an inspiration to watch.

I didn't see her last week and I started wondering where she was. Yesterday at the gym Mike said she had, had a stroke and would be out for awhile.

Broke my heart. Another reason cancer stinks.

Please pray for Betty. She is a visible image of courage.

She called the Y to tell them she would be back in a couple of months.

I know she will be.

Courage.

Love,

~me

My new hat YAY!!

It is one of the best items ever given tooooooooo me YAY!!

I Loves it!



Love,

~me, me, me!

Oh, so beautifully broken

This isn't the first time I have shared this ornament. I have posted pics of him before...But, I have never told his story.

I had one year in my life without a Christmas tree. Without a Christmas. I was living in Virgina, my husband was abusive...Need I really say more about that?

I had begged for a Christmas tree over and over. I wasn't going to get to be with my family and I had no one but Jennie and she was doing stuff with her own family. Most of the base had gone home for Christmas. I was lonely.

I went to the Commissary and bought a pack of Christmas lights and attempted to tape them to the wall in the shape of a Christmas tree. It looked awful, but I was trying with all my might to get them to stay. My husband was laughing over and over as I tried. I sat there just looking at them lay on the floor and cried.

When I cried, it always made him really mad. I can't remember the sequence of events, but he grabbed my baby and made a comment something like "Do you want something to cry over?" He was sitting near the window and made gestures like he was going to throw him out the window.

I got up off the floor and first tried asking for Juan. He was jerking him around and acting like he was going to throw him out the window. Juan (my son) was screaming as he was tossing him around. I tried like hell to get him out of his hands. He kicked me repeatedly and my son was still screaming. I kept going and trying to get my baby from him. He kicked me again, so hard that I felt my arm snap. I was in sooo much pain, but kept trying to get Juan from him. I still see Juan's face, reaching out for me and screaming. He was so scared.

Finally, he threw Juan in my arms and I ran with Anthony out to the hall. I was crying so hard and looked at my arm. It was swollen and I had so many bruises that had already popped up.

Jennie of course watched my kids while I spent my Christmas Eve in the Emergency room. I sat there and made up a thousand different lies as to what happened. I cried for hours.

The Doctors put an air cast on me, put my arm in a sling and sent me home. I had told them that I hit it (on the table) picking something up off the floor...In abusive relationships you get pretty good at making up excuses where the bruises come from. The next day my arm was swollen pretty big, bruised,painful.....But nothing was quite as broken as my spirit.

If you follow frequently, then you know I made it out of that relationship successfully and never went back. Many thanks to the Center For Women and Families here in Louisville =)

I made it a point to celebrate Christmas every single year. No matter what, I would have a Christmas tree.

My second Christmas after all that had happened, I lived in an apartment complex. I was walking to the dumpster and someone had thrown their whole tree in. On the ground below it was this soldier. Wet, paint chipped. Someone had stepped on him and broken his arm off.. But he was precious to me because of what he stood for in my life.

So much beauty in life comes from things that are beautifully broken. I picked him up and told him that every single year, he would have the place of honor on my tree. I also promised him that one year, one year we would have enough money to hang him on a very real Christmas tree.

Years came and went and for this reason or that we could never have a real tree.

I'm proud to announce that this year I hung my beautifully broken soldier on a very real Christmas tree.

It may not seem like a big deal to anyone, but nothing yesterday could've wiped the smile off my face. I went and picked it out, got it home, did everything on my own.

Last night we had a tree decorating party. Me and my family...I took my soldier out of his keeping place and put him in the best spot on the tree.

God did that for me. He took this person so broken inside and out and made me something. Took what people threw out for trash and stepped on..He not only picked me up...He wanted me. Shined me up and I'd like to think if there's a Christmas tree in heaven, He puts me in a very good spot. I know I'm in His hands and that's the best place to be.

What looks like trash to some, is treasure to others.

Til the day I die, I will hang that soldier proudly on my tree. I will never attempt to fix him, because I think he's perfect as he is.

Serves as a reminder to me of what I came from and where God brought me.

Here's a picture of my first ever real tree. Still brings tears to my eyes.


I will enjoy every second of My Saviors birth this year.

=)

God is so awesome!!

Love,

~me

Happy December!!

We went to Light Up Louisville on Friday night!! It was cold but awesome! I'm so stinking happy it's the holidays it's unreal!

I don't wanna miss ANYTHING!! Here's some pics I took down at the lighting of the Christmas tree and city =)

Here are the fireworks they let off when we counted down


Juan and Savannah


Savannah being a Jedi!


We ALL wore our Chucks LOL! That's good planning!


Heading down to Fourth street!


City Hall =) It looked sooooooo beautiful!


The last is of my very first real Christmas tree. I tell you what I could cry I'm so happy! I have had a smile plastered across my face all day because I HAVE A REAL CHRISTMAS TREE!!!!!!! Waiting on Savannah to get here so we can decorate it!!


YAY for Baby Jesus Birthday!!

Love,

~Me

Baby Steps

I really made a HUGE leap tonight. I had some stuff up in my closet, in a box.

Old memories, old notes, old cards.....etc.

It was very hard taking the step to take them from their places to put them in the box. I remember doing it, crying...touching each card, reading each word. Looking at all the things, the pictures...

Tonight without any tears, I was able to throw the box away =)

No tears, no sadness...I FELT NOTHING and it felt fantastic!!!

That was a HUGE step for me. You have no idea.

I prayed for so long for the strength.

Another prayer answered!!

Praise God!! =)

Decorating for Christmas tomorrow YAY!!

Love,

~me

Happy Thanksgiving

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. It was nice to have a day off =) FROM everything! I even took the day off from the gym!!

Ate lots of good food and saw family YAY!!

So thankful for my family and friends and most of all I'm thankful for God and His love.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Him...so very, very much.

He's the best ever!!

Life is so good!

~me

Blank

I think that's a good word. Blank.

That's me these days. Blank.

I don't know what God's doing in my life. I have not the foggiest idea and I know He's the master of taking a mess and making it something, but I feel like I have been wiped clean and not the way I felt "clean" when I was baptized.

Am I growing? I believe so. Almost all remnants of my old life with the exception of a few same faces are gone. Memories gone too. It's in the past. Leave it.

I had to think 5 minutes to remember something about Elmer other than flowers. I drew blanks...I could think of nothing about Brett. All I remember of Kyle is how angry he was/is.

Blank. I don't know why and even worse...I don't care. I was on the world's biggest pity pot and I see now...Who cares? I don't want sympathy, I don't want understanding, I don't want anything from anyone.

That's my headspace. Anything I used to like, I don't. Flowers, but that's it. Chocolate, I haven't had it in 7-8 weeks nd I don't even miss it. Food...Don't miss it.

All I want to do is run. The only time I feel like I'm feeling anything, is when I'm running. Not running from things, actually physical running. Five days a week isn't enough for me. I see now why Forest ran when Jennie left him. I totally understand that part of the movie now.

People who are/were mean........Who cares. They aren't going to change and sitting around moping or complaining about them not changing isn't going to make them change. I'm fed up, sick of going around the same mountain over and over.

Realizing letting go actually means letting go. Not hanging on to remnants of this or that....Past is the past, leave it and move forward. I hung onto Brett for years and what did it do? Did it bring him back? Nope. It wasn't wrong to miss him at all, because I do miss him, but I hung on too long.

I feel like God Control, Alt, Deleted my brain. Nothing is the same and I have no idea what's going on. Maybe I hit my head harder than I thought in the wreck.

My chalkboard erased and I have nooooooooo clue where it's headed.

Submit, submit, submit because nothing can be done about anything anyways.

Life is complicated. It always will be. 38 years of wishing it were different isn't going to make it different. My life is what it is. Complicated...So, just shut up and live it.

That's what I say to myself now. The big leaf battle this year, 5 hours into raking I started to feel sorry for myself. Immediately I say to myself..."Shut up and do it. You whining about it in your head isn't going to get the leaves up, so shut up and pick the things up and move on."

Wishing is useless. Absolutely useless.

It doesn't change anything.

Happy whatever day it is.

Love,

~me

Thought of something now LOL

After I posted all that, I went and read some of my posts from the last couple of years.....I have so many mixed emotions about my old posts.

One thing stood out at me and I didn't see back then, how truly angry I was. I read and think, 'Did I write that?'

I am ashamed at some of the things I wrote and I'm not sure if I should delete them or keep them there as a reminder of how far I have come.

My aunt Carol pointed out to me the progress I have made and I have said a few times, "I really don't see it."

I see it now.

God delivered me from that complete and total mess I was in. I couldn't see how angry I was til I was removed from all that chaos, then I had to heal.

Man...I must've been unbearable to live with. I'm sad for my kids because they had to put up with me when I was like that. I thank God so much for helping me mature and change my heart. Very little of that anger is left in my heart and with every situation that happens, God sifts it out.

He is the Potter, I am the clay.

I am just sitting here crying at who I have become and from what. Nothing short of a miracle.

I said some pretty awful things to a whole lot of people and I misdirected my anger at so many.

Wow. Wow.

No wonder my self confidence was so low. I didn't like that girl.

I almost feel sorry for me back then, I was so lost.

All that hurt, all that pain and I didn't know my healer.

I can not tell you how thankful I am for God changing me.

I'm finally who I really am.

Thank you, thank you, thank you God!!

I'm in awe at the progress I've made.

Love,

~Dianna

Hi.

I have started to blog a few times and I just can't think of anything to say.

Today is the first day I have had off in ages and at the end of it I think how boring it is just sitting at home.

I went and had an awesome workout this morning. That's about it.

Tomorrow a friend invited me over, so I'm gonna go hang out. Tomorrow afternoon is Juan's birthday dinner.

Savannah and I have been praying about things people might forget to pray for sometimes. It's cute. We prayed for all the clowns on the earth, she prayed for all the bugs in the world...Cereal makers, stray dogs. Cute, cute. I love her so very much and wish I didn't have to share her.

Well, I guess I'm out of here.

Have a great evening =) <3

Love,

Me <3

So...

Yea, so I have a son with problems. Anxiety, panic, mood swings, severe depression. He has had a fear of school since kindergarten. Every year a constant battle to get him to go. He has been in the hospital, on meds.

People tend to blame me for this, saying I'm not an effective parent because I can't force him to go. That I'm just letting him get away with it.

I wish people would just either spend a day with a child who has a mental illness or shut up.

No one listens to me. Ever. Everyone just thinks they know best, when in reality I have been doing this for 15 years, I know exactly what I'm doing. I know what makes it better, I know what makes it worse.

I also know that I'm tired.

About a month ago, he retreated to his bed and wouldn't get up for 4 days unless it was to curse me out, pee or eat. This time since Wednesday of last week he hasn't been to school. They put him on all new meds which made him worse and then they tell me there's nothing they can do. He's angry at me and taking it all out on me. Suprise there, I'm everyones freaking punching bag.

I honestly don't know if I can go on. I keep looking for God in all of this and I can't find Him. It's one of those times where I am trying and trying with any strength I have to hold onto faith.

I can't express to you in words how exhausted I am. I'm tired of taking the brunt of his anger, I'm tired of everyone thinking they know better and they don't have a clue what I have been through or what he's going through.

He's not a brat, he's sick.

God, where are you? Why can't I see you in any of this? What did I do so wrong to deserve this for so many years? What good can come from this? I know I don't deserve help, but you promise that anything asked in your sons name shall be given.

I ask for help and You promise it. Where is it?

Pray please, I honestly could just throw myself on the floor and not get up. I'm that tired.

I don't wanna do this anymore.

~Di

Yea....So I miss summer...

Summer is officially gone and well...I'm a bit sad over it. I had a really good summer.
I miss my flowers, I miss taking pictures of them. I miss watering them. I miss when the seeds were growing and becoming flowers.
I need to look for the positive in fall, find the blessings and good things about winter.
Wahhhhhhhh! I don't wanna!
I have all my summer plants indoors, so that's kinda cool. Snow is cool. There are other cool things, like holidays I suppose...
I just really miss working in my yard.
The pic above was just taken about 3 weeks ago. The last blooms on my night blooming jasmine. I miss that smell.
Hope everyone is doing well.
Happy Fall =) Time changes this weekend.

Love,

~Me