Testing Tuesday

Well, it's Tuesday.

Have had a trying morning. Usually my normal routine would be to vent to anyone who would listen...... Vent, vent, vent... As of late, I have been venting a TON less to people and handing my problems to God. He can make everything as it should be.

As I wrote a couple of weeks ago, I have trouble giving things to God and then taking them back and I start back over, handing them back to God. Rinse, repeat. This has been the hardest for me along with faith and they both go hand n hand.

This morning another issue arose only.... it's not my issue in a round about way. I gave it to God. I'm trying like crazy to not let it upset me. The old me has peeked out a few times and I just have to breathe and remember I'm not her anymore and I go about my way.

I keep handing the issue over to God, taking it back to my own thoughts and then handing it back.

Mentally this is tiring.

The more I try to live right, I learn that life is a constant struggle between good and evil.

I never knew the depth of it. I never fully understood it. It's the premise of tons of TV shows, tons of movies and I guess it's that way because .........It is. Everything is good vs. evil.

I don't want to give up, I don't want to get lost. My desire to do good is greater than my desire to do bad. Trying to unlearn my responses is hard. This is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Anything worth having is hard.

If it was easy we wouldn't appreciate it so much.

I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. (Psalm 34:4)

God saved me and I will never forget that day.

No matter what the struggle, no matter how much I want just blurt out the first angry thought that comes into my head........ I stop, I breathe and I remember the best thing I can do for anyone is to pray for them.

I can't change people, but I can change how I react to them.

I can choose between right and wrong and I WILL slip up a lot and choose wrong. But the will in my heart grows greater every day to choose right. If I am about to do something wrong or say something wrong, a feeling inside lets me know it.

I have read a lot about how the holy spirit dwells inside each of us and how you can tell what's right or wrong in your life by the feelings you have inside.

Before I was even saved by God, I had those feelings. I would say "I feel like something is wrong, but I don't know what" I said this all the time.

There was a lot wrong. God pruned my life and is still pruning and pruning....making way for new seasons in my life. =D

Some of the pruning hurts. It hurts bad, but he's there with me to help me through. That's the greatest comfort of all. He knows what is bad for me, he knows what is good for me and takes the bad out. It's awesome the way it works. But it's also hard at times.

Especially on days like today that are a struggle. A day like today where I feel weak and have cried a lot this morning. Today is very hard and very trying. I have to get up, give it back to God and let it go.

Things and people can steal our joy, but that's a choice *I* make. Do I choose to give all my problems back to God (who will gladly take them) Or do I want to sit and mope and cry about it all day?

Easy choice

I choose God =D

He turns my mourning into dancing =) So, I'm off to the gym, giving my problems back to him and focusing on happy things and happy thoughts. Focusing on that joy he put in my heart.

Letting that joy be taken is a choice I make. I need to tattoo that on my forehead. It is a choice I MAKE.

Taking the joy back to my heart that he put there. A gift he gave me, a gift *I* choose to accept.

Good vs evil. I choose GOOD =)

God is everything good. EVERYTHING GOOD =D

I love him.

I would appreciate any prayers for me, if you could for strength and wisdom =D

Thanks and have a wonderful Tuesday.

Love,

~Dianna

***Have to add an update to this, it is really testing Tuesday.....at the gym I was tested AGAIN and put in a spot where I had to think quickly and ugh. I hope and pray I did the right thing. I was crying there on the ab machine because I was put into such an awkward situation. Sigh. I hope I did the right thing.

Good notes down 34 lbs and the boys old karate teacher wants me to come get him next time I'm in there so he can start teaching me how to kick box =D I'm not sure if I'm ready for it, but he seems to think I am =) I told Angel I'm gonna make her go do it with me so I'm not so scared LOL!!

34 lbs YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Antsy Monday =P

The following is a true story and is not intended for people who love ants. This writing contains graphic scenes, including, but not limited to death of ants by windex, the cruel death of ants by being eaten alive and squashed relentlessly by human shoes.

We have ants. Lots of ants. Bug man will be here Saturday, but I must tell you in everyone's own account of our evening last night.

Lets start with me.......

Dianna:

I was laying in my bed, reading the bible.

I was reading Exodus, learning about how God sent various plagues to the Egyptians. I read about the frogs, locusts, boils etc. I was to the part where God sent the flies (was appropriate reading for what awaited us), when I am startled by the screaming of my son Anthony. I hear "Oh my God" in a panic stricken voice.

I sit erect in my bed and yell "Anthony, what's wrong" after a few minutes again I hear him say "Oh my God" I scoot towards the edge of the bed and say "Anthony, what's wrong" I hear him drop something on the ground, run to the sink and start spitting and gagging.

I ask again "What happened?" I hear his girlfriend come running in and I hear him say "I felt a tickle in my mouth and it was dark in here and I ran over to turn on the lights"

I'll tell the rest of the story by others accounts below.....

I laughed so hard I literally not only could not breathe, I got a bad headache.

Savannah:

Ha ha ha, "Anthony ate ants" giggle, giggle! Muah ha ha ha ha ha "Tickle in his mouth" ha ha ha ha ha "It was dark and he didn't see them" Giggle, giggle, ha, ha, ha.

Claire and Opie

"Someone dropped a pop tart on the floor with ants, lets go eat it!"

Juan

"Ah dude, that's sick"

"He smiled and an ant went straight across his teeth"

"Dude, that's gross"

"Mom, did you see that? Anthony was eating a pop tart and it had ants all over it, dude brush your teeth"

"Dude, that is just sick, Holly grab the windex and lets kill them"

"Mom, the dogs have the pop tart with the ants on it"

"Dude, that's just sick"

Holly

My dreamy boyfriend and I were watching a movie. He decided he wanted a late evening snack and thought the pop tarts sounded blissfully delectable.

I sat and waited for my dreamy love in his bedroom. The door was opened a hair and I heard him rustling his superb cookie dough pop tart wrapper.

I hear him shout in his manliest of voices "Oh my God" I sprang from the floor to see what was the matter. There was my dream boat retching in the sink whilest ants crawl all over his chin.

His brother ran in and saw one go across his teeth, we collaborated to grab the Windex and defeat the beasts within my boyfriends mouth.

At the scene of the crime the pop tart lay on the floor, ants had a hostile take over of it. I start to squirt the ones on the floor. Out of the corner of my eye I see Opie and Claire approaching the pop tart. They start growling at one another over the tasty morsel that lay on the ground. One of them snatches up the ant covered confection and runs off.

Anthony

Me and my snuggle bunny were laying on the floor watching a movie. My mom is back in her room reading and I wanted to be as quiet as possible to not disturb her. I wanted a cookie dough pop tart so bad my mouth was watering.

I sneak into the kitchen and it's dark. Under the soft glow of the street lamp in the window, I spot the box of the breakfast pastry. It appeared as if it were illuminated to show me the way to it!! It was calling me!

I open up the box and feel that foily wrapper cold under my hot hands. I open the treat and look at it in the light. It is my lucky day, they sprinkled extra chocolate morsels on my pastry!! I put the delectable treat to my mouth and start to chew this delightful confection. I swallow the first bite and feel something funny in my mouth. My mouth is almost tickling with delight!

I rush over to the light to flip it on............upon further inspection I realize the extra chocolate morsels were ants! Out of my horror I screamed "Oh, my God" I hear my mother in the background asking "What's wrong" i cannot answer her, I am in absolute shock feeling the ants move with in my mouth.

I throw the ant filled pastry on the ground and shout "Oh my God" again. My brother laughs and I smile at him as I feel something move across my teeth. I hear him say "dude that is gross"

My girlfriend goes to save me with a bottle of Windex and asks me if I want some in my mouth. I politely decline and start retching in the sink. I can feel the ants as they march down my esophagus.

When I get my wits about me, I retell the story. My sister is in the background laughing hysterically. I hear my mother struggling to catch her breath as she laughs.

The family pets come running in and snatch my breakfast pastry from the floor. I think they briefly fought over it, but someone won the accosted pastry.

I walk over to the shelf in the window where I see other boxes of soiled breakfast pastries. I pick them up hastily and toss them into the garbage.

Everyone still laughs at me while I retreat back to my room to ponder what the ants are doing within me.



=)

I tell you what, I have laughed over this pop tart thing ALLLLLLL night and all day. To the point of not being able to breathe. I was crying when I had Juan at the Dr. listening to his recollection of what happened.

Bug men will be here Saturday =)

Have a happy Monday!

Hope you enjoyed our production!

Love,

Dianna

YAY!!

I forgot to bring my camera to the game yesterday so Kyles sister uploaded the pics she took of Savannahs game on her Facebook so I could see them!! YAY!! So, I'm going to share them with you!! They both take fantastic pics and I say thank you a million times over for sharing them with me =D









YAY! Thanks again!!

Today was wonderful but long and I'm very tired.

Started off the day with church! It was fabulous as always, but it confused me some today. It was very deep and well, I guess I have to process it all for a bit.

To the gym after that and worked out for awhile w/ Mike. No Angel. She was off with the animals at the zoo lol! I missed her terribly!!

Went to Maddies to pick her and Sophia up and the girls played all afternoon. I watched Definitely, maybe and then took the girls home after 6.

Did aerobics, did some dishes, gonna read my bible and then hit the hay very early.

I am whooped and spring break is officially over.

Hope everyone had a fantastic weekend.

Love to all

~Me

What a wonderful Saturday!!

I have had the best day ever!! I have pics too!!

Savannah had her first soccer game of the year!! It was so much fun!! they didn't win, but they were so cute out there. I told her she was like a ninja and snuck right in there. She did really, really well!!

We then went to the gym, she played w/ Isabella in the day care and I worked out w/ Angel. Got to see my friends and as always I enjoyed working out!!

Next stop to the park for a picnic to paint!! We saw a group of guys and girls dressed in medieval attire and well...... I had no clue what they were doing there. They had swords, a ball and big button type shields. I told Savannah I used to watch this cartoon called the Gummi Bears and these guys were dressed just like them. So we called them the Gummi Bears. They kept going to the picnic tables for meetings and I told Savannah we were spying on their secret Gummi meetings. We laughed soooooooo hard!! I dunno what they were doing with this ball, but we turned it into Gummi Quidditch =)

We painted for awhile and then I let her play on the playground for a bit.

She wanted icecream so bad, but I had no cash. She kept trying to convince me the icecream man took credit cards, I kept telling her if that guy in that van took my credit card I would NOT get it back! She pouted and I will post pics of her pouting and being filled with envy over the boys at the truck!

I of course took her for icecream and we went to my moms for a bit.

Came home and worked out in the yard and just finished up the Chapter of Genisis in the bible. I really enjoyed learning about the history of Issac, Abraham, Jacob and on and on...... Was very interesting and of course my favorite was Josephs story. =) God uses bad for good =)

Okay now for pics of my perfect day. It ranks up there with one of the best ever!!

This is her eating her lunch, I liked it better in black and white, so you guys get to see both =P


Below are the Gummi Bear group =D


Savannah painting her portrait of God

Oops she spilled a lil bit of paint!


Below is her finished picture of God

Below O is my Lame O Tree O

She is painting her beautiful tree =D

Savannah laughing at my filling in the words for the Gummi Bear meeting. I was telling her we were spying and I was going to get in trouble for taking their pics. They would shout something and I would make up a meaning for it. Savannah thought this was hilarious.

Their "Meeting"

She is so beautiful!

She made me take a pic of this, she LOVED this painting I did


Below is her painting of a storm


I love her soooooooooooo much, it's unreal

LOL below is where she was trying to make her case for the icecream man taking credit cards

Below is her severe desperation. She was 5 seconds away from asking the Gummis for money

Final pic is her icecream envy! Stinking boys have all the luck!


Have a fantastic evening!!

Tomorrow is church day YAY!!!!!!

Happy, happy

I love allllllll you guys very much.

God is good!

~Dianna

Happy Friday LOL I said Saturday x.x

What a wonderful Saturday Friday!!!!!!

Woke up early and went and picked up my momma for a girls day out. Savannahs birthday money was burning a hole in her pocket so Target was our first stop.

She bought herself an Ipod and I bought some gardening things and some paper because we are venturing to the park tomorrow afternoon to paint pictures of things in the park. My mom as always bought books =)

Next stop....Pedicure (thanks to my lovely mother for treating us!)!! I had never had one ever and wow!! It was fabulous! All of our feet look so pretty!! Mom and I got the same color, but Savannah got lime green to match her birthday outfit I bought her =).

Our third stop of our girls day out was to lunch!! After lunch I drove old granny home. It was a perfect girls day out!!

Savannah and I caught up with Angel and Mike at the gym and I got to work out with both of them!! That is always the high-light of my day. We were way too sore to walk so we talked in the lobby to our friends for a bit. Randy gave Savannah a CD for her birthday =) He is the nicest man one could ever meet.

We got home and I took a bit of a nap, did the dishes and read the bible for awhile.

Watching RV right now, having some coffee and just smiling and smiling. Life is so wonderful =) I feel like I am the luckiest woman in the world. What more can I ask for?

I have God,a wonderful family, the best friends ever and every single day God gives me a new friend, my puppy dogs, blueberries and coffee. =D

I am so very blessed.

Going to bed early, Savannah has her first soccer game tomorrow!!

I <3 her

Have a wonderful evening

Love to all,

Dianna

Savannahs 8th Birthday today =)

Been a very long day, but Savannah had a wonderful party tonight with family and friends =)

She had 3 cakes, the doll ones and an ICarly cake




Baby E playing w/ the dolly potty lol!



Hope everyone has a fantastic evening.

I have been running 2 days straight. Gonna read my bible and drop to sleep.

Love you all very much. Thanks for celebrating Savannah's special day with her.

Love,

Me

Wednesday

Today I am so worn out, I can barely stand.

My legs are wobbly weak, I'm hot, my arms ache. Exhaustion.

Sometimes like today, when I am so tired, I want to go back to my old life where I did nothing.

Not having a life was so much easier than having one.

The difference is.... how I feel inside. I wasn't happy living on the computer all the time. Eventually I was defined by a video game and that's not living at all.

God delivered me from the game and even though it's hard facing life. I choose it every time.

Every day my life is filled from start to finish with stuff to do.

I used to pray for friends, real life friends and now I have many people that I am proud to call friends.

Where anxiety used to keep me from going places, I now drive, not even giving anxiety a second look.

I don't need a man in my life to make me happy.....Well, that's not entirely true, I need God. He is the only one I need to make me happy. Putting him first has let the rest fall into place.

I'm happy with just me =)

I've never been here before. I've always needed someone to make me feel that way.

Now, I just need God.

I gave him WoW and he gave me a life =D. That's exactly how it went.

When I get tired and bored and think about logging in, God fills me with a million things that need to be done, or I go back to my room to read my books and my bible.

I wouldn't trade my life today for anything.

I've lost my material possessions so many times, I don't care if all my stuff goes away. Before I would say I can't live with out my computer. I can. I need nothing in this house to make me happy.

I love my life.

I love God.

I love you guys.

~Me =o)

Terrific Tuesday =)

Today is already so much better than yesterday!

The sun is shining! God is wonderful!! Life is wonderful!!

=D

I'm so busy today. I had a house this morning, then to the gym and now home for a bit.

Gonna work out in the yard. Elmer emailed me and said he is sending a bunch of seeds to beautify my naked yard!! I'm sooooooo excited!! You guys know I'm all about flowers!! So, I gotta start getting the yard ready to plant!!

=)

Hopefully this year, I'll do it right.

Got Savannahs cake ordered this morning! Got her presents =D

I'm just so excited!!

The gym was wonderful. Angel brightens up my day =D I'm down 32 lbs now =) The whole gym saw my boobs cause all my clothes are falling off. I gotta get some tighter shirts. I put all my too big clothes away and going to get rid of them. Gone, gone. I'm never going back to that size.

Ever.

I feel great! I kept my heart rate up to 133 which is my target heart rate for a full hour. It dipped once or twice, but I was consistent with my pace.

Angel and I are talking about running the mini-marathon next year.

If we don't succumb to laziness, we will do it =)

Have a fantastic Tuesday.

I'm out for the rest of the day!!

Sunshine, flowers, good friends.... What more does a girl need? Oh, Jam! He sent me some Jam too!! My favorite! =D

Love, Love and LOVEEEEEEEEEEE all you guys

Dianna

Monday

Happy Monday =D

Got off to a bad start. But, only a couple of hours are gone, not the whole day.

Got an add from Kyle's niece on Facebook and I went and looked at her pictures and started crying.

Some of you may not know that I struggle with anxiety and panic disorder. Sometimes it was to the point where I couldn't leave my house. Holidays at Kyles families were some of my favorite times. Especially Easter.

His niece posted pics of their Easter and I just started crying because I miss all of them. His one niece had gotten so big I didn't even know it was her. I miss his mom, his dad, his sisters, his nieces.

That aspect of divorce is awful.

Sometimes I wonder what happened. How did we get to fighting so much. At what point did things get that bad between us.

I don't think it would've worked at any point with things the way they were. I was/am/is severely lost.

The biggest part of my change was admitting how awful I was. But, I couldn't of gotten to where I am now, with out that. So it serves it's place I suppose.

I became discouraged last night, thinking I'm different, but I don't know how to handle everything that crops up. I still have messes to clean up from my old life. I have to learn to adapt to people who haven't changed, I have to learn how to respond to people the right way.

It's so hard, because I don't know how to do any of this. Exactly why I refuse to date. I can't fall into my old patterns.

I almost gave up last night. Seems easier to just give up than to try to figure all this out.

My heart is different, I'm not a quitter anymore. As always God saves me....He isn't going to let me give up. Below is what page I turned to in my book. How it happens that way, I'll never know, but it always says what I am feeling.

Thank God, you were once slaves of sin, you have become obedient with all your heart to the standard of teaching in which you were instructed and to which you were committed. (Romans 6:17)

When we receive Christ as our Savior, God gives us a new heart--one that wants to do what is right. however, it takes awhile for our behavior to catch up with our new hearts and that is often very frustrating. One part of us wants to do what is right, yet another part of us fights against it. That is the war between the flesh and the spirit Paul discusses in Galatians 5:17.
At the new birth, God equips us inwardly with all we need to live holy, obedient lives. We are made new creatures in Christ; old things pass away and all things are made new (see Corinthians 5:17) I like to say we are made new spiritual clay and we spend our lives letting the Holy Spirit mold us into the image of Christ (see Romans 8:29). We need to thank God that we have a new heart, one that wants to be obedient.
Celebrate your progress and don't be discouraged because God sees your heart. If we let go of what lies behind and keep pressing towards the place of total obedience, God is pleased. We are learning to walk with God and walking is the slowest mode of travel that exists. you may not be where you want to be, but thank God you have an obedient heart.

Focus on Jesus today, not your failures.

Above is from hearing from GOD each morning, by Joyce Meyer

So, when I was ready to throw up my hands because I'm tired of trying so hard, failing and have people acknowledge my failures.

I am trying hard.

I don't have all the answers, I don't know how react to people. I can't escape into a video game anymore, I have to deal with this stuff and I don't know how.

I am not who I was, I don't know what to do.

It's hard living the right way. It hard trying to live the right way.

I'm not going to give up. No matter how hard it gets, I'm going to hold my head high and press on.

Things will work themselves out.

Have a happy Monday.

Love,

Dianna

Me N My baby Easter Morning =D

I was trying to get her to give me a kiss on the lips.......She was hot n heavy into FB and takin pics and finally got the hint I wanted a kiss =D She's sooooooo beautiful!

Happy Easter =)

Got some phone calls and such yesterday about my post yesterday. A lot said they cried and remembered that day so well. =D My mom found the picture. We are working on having it scanned.

Happy Easter. Jesus has risen from the dead =D Glorious indeed!! God's greatest miracle!

Most of you know I walk after the gym. It is the one time in the day where I have nothing to distract me. I walk, am in nature and talk to God.

Yesterday we had a wonderful conversation. Sometimes I wonder if it's my conscience or God. God speaks A LOT slower than my inner voice and he calls me child. My brain actually tries to say the words faster than what God does and God always tells me what I need to hear. Whether or not I want to hear it and whether or not I like it.

Some of you may read that and think, this chick is crazy........But I'm not. It's real. He hears and answers if you don't let things get in the way. It's a wonderful gift.

The first time I really, really heard it, it shocked me. I can't really explain it other than you should listen sometime. I never knew. Then something comes my way to back up what I heard and know it was him.

He made humans, so why wouldn't he create a way to communicate with them? =D

Yesterday as I walked, I had my Ipod off and we talked about me. My faith and how I lack it.

The hardest thing for me is faith. I have such a great struggle with it.

Nature is evident of faith. Trees grow, grass grows, flowers grow...

I got to thinking about things deeper. Thinking about how there is nothing in the earth that is ugly. The only ugly things on this earth are done by humans. Trees are all beautiful, grass is beautiful, birds are beautiful. It's all beautiful. It's all good.

God is everything good.

The favorite are stars. How can anyone look up at the stars at night and not know there's a God?

The world is perfect =)

Sigh, I was hoping so bad Kyle would let Savannah go to church with me this morning. I just texted him and he said he will just drop her off at my house at 11 or 11:30.

I'm crying of course because I wanted so badly to go with her.

Easter isn't about a bunny, it's about Jesus rising from the dead.

I think I'm not going to cry, I think I'm going to not give him a choice and go get her.

****Have to update, he is going to let her go and he is coming with her!! YAY!!!!!! =D

Was that an example of faith there? =D

Have a wonderful day =D

Much Love and enjoy the holiday!!

Dianna

My Favorite Easter Memory =D

I have a pic for this memory and my mom is working on finding it =D

As most of you know my oldest son Anthony..... (I was a pregnant teen ager)Well, lets just make a long story short and say at the lovely age of 16 we not only were having a baby, he got a form of cancer. Osteogenic sarcoma a simple enough term for what is an awful, painful bone cancer.

He went through every type of chemo on this planet and some that seemed they weren't from this planet.....he had some really awful surgeries. We spent months upon months in hospitals, me with a stroller walking the hospital corridors, him with an IV pole.

He had an appt. with Dr. Patel the Friday before Easter and I stayed home for that one with the baby. He comes walking in the door with a nervous smile on his face. I looked at his eyes and I knew. He uttered the words, I hear so often in my heart. A bad record being played over and over. Words that never leave my head or my heart.

"This is my last summer you guys"

They said if he was lucky, he would make it six months. I laid on the couch with him, had my head on his chest crying and crying. I kept twiddling his St. Jude necklace, my mother had given to him. He didn't cry. He just held me while I did and said he wanted to do everything before he died.

We were limited on what we could do......but he wanted to do all the important small things. The night before Easter we went and bought Anthony's Easter outfit. Brett picked out this cute, cute plaid suspender outfit, picked out these really cute shoes and socks =D. He said "Baby, can I get him dressed in the morning please......since you will get to dress him for every Easter and this is my last?"

Of course I let him dress him :*)

He got up sooooooo early that morning and took his time carefully dressing Anthony. I just looked over at his lil bald head (Bretts), smiling. So proud.

We were going to breakfast with my whole family. Including my Aunt Dorothy Ann, who was also battling cancer.

After he got Anthony dressed, he wanted to show him off and walk to his parents. He had a total hip and leg replacement done and walking wasn't easy for him..........He scooped Anthony up in his arms got him all situated and walked to his parents. The smile on his face, he was beaming =)

I just sat on the porch crying, watching him walk.

We arrive at Shoney's and all my family is there. It was just such a celebration. Dorothy Ann and her hard time, Brett and his hard time. I don't even know how we all laughed and smiled so much. But we did. The picture is a picture from that breakfast with my family and Brett. I hope my mom can find it.

It was the last time I remember laughing like that in that year. I can't even remember what we were saying. No telling with my family. All my cousins were there, my country cousins =) ......It was so wonderful.

It was the last time that all of us were together.

It was my favorite Easter moment ever.

First Brett went home to be with God and Dorothy Ann soon followed. But we had the best Easter ever before they went. =D

It was perfect.

Enjoy your Saturday!!

If my mom finds the pic, I will share it =)

Love,

Dianna

Achoooooooo!

Wow, someone turned on the pollen. Holy Toledo, I can't breathe today!! I slept fantastic last night =)
Dinner was perfect =)
YAY!!

Today, I got up took all the kiddies to school, sneezed, went to the store for Tyelnol Sinus pills. Thinking about a shower and the gym, but I'm so dizzy and my head is so sneezy.

If I had money, I think I would move somewhere with less allergies. Achoo.

Today is Good Friday. Take time to remember what today is all about.

Okay, I gotta get moving. Have a fantastic day.

***I just spent the past 30 minutes reading over archived posts.......holy cow I was angry. I never realized I was that mad. It's funny because I look at that girl like she's someone else. All my feelings inside have so changed. It's so weird and I can't explain it.

I guess only one thing to say to that.....

Ezekiel 36:26 (New International Version)
26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

I couldn't be a better example of that verse. =) I totally, totally have a new heart. Everything about me is new. =) I LOVE Life. Even reading that makes me tear up. I wish you guys could've known how I was inside and how I feel now. It's all gone. All of it. I'm not saying I don't get angry and I don't get upset, but when I do, I turn to God and He sets me straight. I prayed a few times yesterday for my attitude adjustment and by evening I was just blessed to be at dinner and enjoying the evening. GAH!! I wish you guys could try me on before and try me on now.... I just can't believe it =)

My life prior to now has been constant turmoil and grief, but it's gone, it's done and my new life is WONDERFUL =)

;)

Love,

Dianna

Posting this for Dianna :)

Bloggety blogger isn't working for me.......Soooo I had to have someone post it for me =D

Today is long and busy as always. Stopped at home to dye eggs, make the kids some dinner.

I'm going to a friends tonight for dinner. Had to stop and buy wine lol!! I have never bought wine before, so well...... I had no clue what I was buying. I felt like such a boozer walking out of there with a brown bag.

I can't wait for dinner tonight =D I am sooooooo excited!!

Yesterday was so warm and beautiful out. I really had such a good day and was just so full of joy for most of it. This morning I think I needed an attitude adjustment! x.x Been kinda grumpy.

I'm just tired I guess. So much running and when my day is full from start to finish, I tend to worry if I can get everything done. It's hot out and just as soon as I get one thing done, I have to move to the next.

Okay this is short and sweet, I gotta go finish my make up and pretty myself up for din din!

Have a great day

Love,

Dianna

**It's me!! I think I finally got it fixed YAY!! =) Okay, out the door but had to post a YAY!!

Wahhh blogger won't work!

Tuesday

Happy Tuesday!! Bloggety Blogging early because I won't be home the rest of the day.

Things are going pretty fantastic ;)

I got upset yesterday evening and wasn't quite sure how to handle it. I went through great trouble to extend an olive branch to someone. They accepted it and then turned right back around and did something very mean.

I thought about it a lot........Wondering did they know what they were doing? Surely they wouldn't do that on purpose. Past history says yes, but I just don't want to believe that people are that cruel. Mom seems to think it was done on purpose.

My normal reaction would be to hash it out with them as to why they did it.......It took a lot for me to just let it go. I cried briefly about it and let it go. Those who know me and know me well, know that was a struggle for me.

God blessed me with wonderful, wonderful friends and family. I vented to them about it and said nary a word.

Sigh.

LOL That wasn't turning over a new leaf for me, that was turning over the whole Yosemite National Park =)

Got to finish scrubbing my house and then head to the gym with Angel and Mike.

After that collecting kids and off to Community Groups for the evening!

LOST Tonight.......... YAY!!!!!!!!!!! American Idol...semi yay!! I Love LOST soooooooooo much!!

Okay, have a fantastic Tuesday!!

Life is sooooooooooooooooooooooooo wonderful ;)

Enjoy it.

Love,

~Me

Hit my

30 lb mark =) Running late gots to go but had to share!!

Monday!!

What can I say? I started out to blog about how bad my morning had been, how grumpy I had been........This or that bothering me.

Have I mentioned lately how much I LOVE God?

It's so awesome the way things work. I am loving these private moments with God.

As most of you know, I am a very, very new Christian. A baby if you will. Getting things right, trying to do the right thing, it's not easy by any feat. I hear Gods voice sometimes and then wonder if it's my conscience or really God.

Last night began some frustration I was having with a certain issue of my life. I asked God what I was supposed to do and he told me. It wasn't what I wanted to hear. Not even a little bit what I wanted to hear and it's not what I want to do.

I kept thinking is that my conscience or is that God? This morning in regards to not knowing what I'm supposed to do, I became frustrated. I talked to God, I cried because I really didn't know if that was him or myself.

So......... You already know I'm going to tell you something happened!!!
I love God!!!!!! I have been reading this book. I haven't picked it up for a few days and came home from the gym to read a few pages.....

I open it up, read one page, turned to the next........The answer to my question was right there on the page in black and white. Worded exactly like I heard in my heart. It wasn't my conscience it was God and he was affirming it again in the book and then giving me the reason why. The full explanation of why I needed to do what he had said. Not a comparison to a situation of mine, a full exact wording of what I had asked and heard.

I couldn't believe what I was reading. I honestly couldn't believe it. I sitll can't believe it. I am just amazed and humbled with every experience I have with God. It makes me want more and more. I laughed and cried at the same time because I am in such awe of Him.

Totally amazed and still thinking, "Did that happen???"

It did =)

I love life soooooooo much =)

Yesterday at Quints party, his mom had so much work to do for the party....Him and his mom made me a big ole thing of Gluten free brownies and cookies. Their kindness is amazing! They didn't want me to be left out. Their generosity towards me and my children. Overwhelming.

=)

Could life really get any better?

<3

Happy Monday!!

Love,

Dianna

Sunday =D

Oh my...... Today..... I'm at home for a brief pit stop, but had to blog about church today.........

All my school years practically, I went to a Catholic school. Learned religion year after year.......... Why didn't I ever get this stuff?

This morning of course was Palm Sunday. I have been to church for palm Sunday many years and never knew exactly what it was.

It was when Jesus rode into Jerusalem before his crucifixion and the people waved palm at him as he rode in.

I never knew. Well, with that story comes the crucifixion. I had no idea they were going to be reading that Gospel today and as I knew I would, I cried.

I read it the other night in private and wept. I heard it aloud this morning and wept again. Hearing how afraid Jesus was prior. I just cried. He knew what they were going to do to him. How he went with his closest friends and prayed at how scared he was. He didn't understand why God was doing this. When Daniel talked about.....

Mark 14:36
36"Abba,[a] Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will."

He didn't do what he wanted to do, he did what God wanted. The most unselfish act in history. He was living the life we needed to be living and he was going to be crucified and die in place of where we should be. He didn't deserve that. We did and do.

Why didn't I pay attention to this stuff before? Maybe I didn't want to learn it, maybe I was selfish and too focused on myself. But I got it this morning.

A moment of clarity came when Daniel was reading the Gospel about how after the ninth hour when Jesus said his last words and took his last breath (I was a blubbering mess) that the curtain was opened from heaven and earth and it is THROUGH JESUS that we can now be with God. I did not know that. Not ever. I didn't understand what it meant. I understand it now. Through Jesus we can now have a relationship with God. He suffered, died and was buried because we as people are such awful creatures. We are all awful, selfish, hurtful human beings. Gods Grace. Jesus death.
What a sacrifice. I didn't know where the term Excruciating came from. They needed a word to describe the pain and suffering that Jesus went through on the cross. I had no idea the origin of that word.

Was just amazing this morning. Even more amazing that I am gaining such a deep understanding and crave more. Showing my Faith in God, trusting he is going to take me where ever I need to be. No matter what I do, I will end up where he wants me to be. I can kick, scream and fight it, do my own thing......but in the end I will go where He takes me.

Might as well just sit back, relax and receive everything he has in store for me.

=)

I can't put into words how full of Joy my heart is.

I thank God for helping me understand what Easter really is about. I thank Him for sending His son to die for me, so I can be who I am. Selfish.

God is Love, Hope, Joy, Goodness, Fun, Happy, Beautiful......Everything that is Good, God is.

He is my Home =)

I wish I would've known all these years that I couldn't get happiness from individuals. Would've taken a lot of pressure off me and them. Happiness comes from with in. Happiness comes from God being with in you.

=)

With my heart bursting, I have to gooooooooo to the gym and then a party at the fire house YAY!!!!!! =D I'm excited!

Have a wonderful Sunday and Carol church was FABULOUS!!

Love, Love, Love

<3 <3 <3

Me =)

Saturdayyyyy! =D

What a long day and it's still not done. Had to take a break. x.x

Savannahs soccer orientation was this morning, I signed Kyle up for team manager so we met him over at the place and got her shirt. All those U of K fans on her team and her colors are red and black LOL! They were all sighing!

Bet my mom loves it!

Went to the gym and worked out. Me n Mike were working out and from the power outtage yesterday the air was out and we were HOT! Good Lord have mercy! My hair was soaked and LOL Mike was dripping sweat as well. Yesterday, as I said above the power went out and me, Mike and Kevin worked out in the dark, was kinda fun! Mike told Kevin we should have a candle light dinner in there and put the lights out on Friday nights. Serve some wine! Kevin said get everyone drunk and put them on the treadmill! LOL!

Not your ordinary Y .....O.o

I love the gym soooooooooo much. =D Oh..... for other news..........28.5 lbs =) I was standing next to Kyle yesterday and Savannah looked over at me and said "wow mom" =) Yea, yea I know I know!! My clothes are all falling off and I LOVE IT!!!

Me n mom went and took Anthony to rent his tux for prom, then out to Steak N Shake to eat. We were all crabby and grumpy! Was kinda funny.

I got back to moms then walked 2.5 miles. I loved it! =D It's so beautiful out and it's just my time to think and reflect on the day. I can't tell you enough how gorgeous it was today!!

I'm soooooooooooo stinking happy =D

;)

<3 you all and it totally is a wonderful life!!

Palm Sunday tomorrow YAY!!

Love,

Dianna

Faith

Faith.....What exactly is it?

From my understanding it's believing in something you can not see, nor touch. The definition in the dictonary is believing in something even though there is no proof.

I guess the no proof can apply when you are having faith in a person.... but it totally does not apply to God. Take a look around the world and how can anyone say there is no proof.

Faith has been a difficult challenge for me. I can't tell you the personal struggles I have had with Faith. I understand the concept of what it is. You hear people time and again say "Have Faith"....Saying the phrase and being at a spot in your life where you have true Faith is very, very difficult.

All my life I have not trusted many. Becoming a Christian and having a relationship with God means having Faith. "Giving it all to him" Isn't as easy as it sounds. Hey, someones offering you a free ride from all your pain and sin..........It should be easy to hand it over to him.

It takes discipline and practice to do this, but when you REALLY give it to him, the burden lifted off your chest is so freeing.

It's funny, I will picture myself giving everything over to him. My worry, my sadness, my problems.......I see his big thumbs coming over to pick them out of my head. I feel better for a few, but then I take them back. I hear God say......"Dianna, give them back" So I hand them back over..... Wash, rinse, repeat.

I'm getting better about giving them to him and my heart feels so free! I just wish I could show you guys my inside, how broken I was.......I wish I could show you now how full my heart is. I can't even believe it myself =)

Before I close, keep Elmer and his family in your prayers. His father passed away today. He was a terrific, terrific man.

Lots of Love

~Moi

Accountability

What can I say......... I learn more and more every day. =) I, as you guys know have been changing and learning. I have learned more this year than in my past thirty-seven on this earth.

It's amazing how close-minded I have been.

I ask God to show me what areas I need to work on. This week, long focus on accountability. I am quick to become defensive and then look to blame someone else for anything that has gone wrong in my life.

Now that I am taking apart the past instances in my life I do see and accept my part in things that have gone bad. I know in a lot of the cases I am not the sole one to blame, BUT.........I need to be responsible for my own shortcoming and accept/acknowledge only my part. I could not say that before, I didn't see it before. Blame, blame,blame.

If they have done wrong, it is their problem. Sure I have been hurt. Being beaten surely wasn't my fault, no matter what I said or did.....But, I am dealing with all that happened and he will be held accountable for his wrong doing. I need not worry about any of that anymore.

Free my own spirit, focus on becoming who I want to be. Letting everyone else live their own life and accept responsibility for their own actions. Makes my life alot easier if the only reaping and sowing I'm worried about is my own.

It has been hard for me to accept some of the things I have done. I had to write letters for therapy. Angry letters letting every single feeling protrude out of me. They were horrible, horrible letters.....BUT......I let it out. I don't have to carry that anger around with me.

I am working on forgiveness also. I am trying to right wrongs I have done. Trying to apologize where I can.

I apologized to Kyle for things I said and did when we were married. I was so angry at him for this and for that, but I was focusing on his wrong, not mine. It takes two people for a marriage to work and I needed to worry more about fixing what I was doing wrong....... Less time on what he was doing wrong. Sure it needed to be voiced, if he didn't know what was bothering me, how could it of been fixed? I should've used nicer words. I should've been more compassionate.

Faith, patience, faith, patience......Go hand-n-hand

We are the authors of our OWN book.

God amazes me every day when he shows me something new.

Much Love and Happy Thursday.

Life is too wonderful for words =)

~ Dianna

Wed Nes Dayyyy

What a loooooong, looooooong day.

For eight weeks straight I have been running myself ragged. Day in and day out.

I think it caught up to me today. I haven't missed a day at the gym in eight weeks. Going out to movies, to lunch, busy, busy.

Tonight I walked in the door and about fell over. Waiting on a phone call and the I'm out for the count.

I'm too tired to even write.

=) Life is Wonderful!

Love,

~Me

A lil better update

Today was soooooo flipping busy! I just got home from the store, made dinner and almost ready to head out for the evening to community group YAY!

I ran allllll day. I was slacking by the 90 min mark. at the gym. LOL Angel and I both sat on this leg machine and just sat there. We both were tired.


It's like a recliner!

Not much else going on, just always got some where to beeee =D

I'm a lovin life. Happy Tuesday everyone.

Love, Love, Love

~Me

Tuesday

Start to finish every hour of my day is filled. I slept not a wink. Well, maybe a few winks here and there. I am going to have to have the Shock Wave coffee today to keep me awake.

Have a fantastic day all.

zzzzzzzzzzz

Love,

Dianna

Hearing From God

I love God! He has a sense of humor too! The closer I become to him, the more I understand this speaking thing. Sometimes, when it happens, it's so strange!! I have learned that God doesn't always use an inner voice.........Sometimes he uses others.

Did I mention I love God LOL!! I have been VERY impatient as of late. Not angry and not moody, just impatient. I know he is trying to teach me patience and some of things that are popping my way....Well, they make me smile! =D

You know I can be having a dark weepy moment and go back to read my bible or my book that's called Hearing From God Each Morning and just turn to a random page and it is filled with stuff I'm dealing with at that moment.

Last night I was saying my prayers and I was a bit miffed about how some people even though (from my perspective)don't seem nice....They have done bad things or do bad things...... but seemingly everything just works out for them. I have a hard time dealing with this most. It's hard when I know what's in my heart. I have done and said some bad things in the past.... I'm not proud of those things. I think that's where God is trying to place patience the most. When I'm hurt, defense mechanism kicks in to try to hurt them back. I have to stop that. Inside my heart though, I know what's there. It's full of love and I have had enough heartbreak in it to keep Shakespeare busy for his eternity........ Through all the pain and bad I still have so much love......So, I was asking God to please help me understand. I asked him to "Please help me understand" He showed me two things and I just sit here smiling at the way all this works. How could people not believe there is a God? Why didn't I seek him so long ago? He is amazing!!

Anywhoo.......I'm going to share my response from God =D

I asked God to make me understand....Here is the page I turned to!

God Cares About Every Detail

Are not two little sparrow sold for a penny? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground without your Father's leave (consent) and notice. But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, you are more value than many sparrows. (MATTHEW 10:29-31)

Through the power of the Holy Spirit, God wants to speak to you every day. He wants to lead you step-by-step away from trouble and into the good things He has in store for you. He cares about the tiniest details of your life. According to the verses for today, He even keeps track of how many hairs you have on your head. He cares about the desires of your heart, and He wants to reveal to you truth that will set you free from worry and fear.

God's plan to share an intimate relationship with you existed before you were even born, as you can read in Psalm, 139:16: "Your eyes saw my unformed substance, and in Your book all the days(of my life) were written before ever they took shape, when as yet there was none of them" God knows all of our days and has a plan for each one. If we will ask Him what we are to do each day and believe that He is guiding us, we will find ourselves fulfilling His plan for our lives.

It seems incomprehensible that God could have a plan for every person on Earth, but also brings great peace to know He can take chaos and turn it into something meaningful and worthwhile. Spend time getting to know God because His plan is unveiled through intimate relationships with Him.

Remember that God even keeps track of the sparrows---He is surely in control of whatever life brings you today.

So...... that is number one and the second thing.....

LOL, I sat at my computer and saw I had a mail from Joel Olsteen Ministry. I said before I opened, it...."Okay, God what are you going to tell me this morning" I KNEW it was a message for me LOL!! So....... this is what it said.

TODAY'S SCRIPTURE
"…I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances"
(Philippians 4:11, NIV))



TODAY'S WORD from Joel and Victoria
It's easy in life to get so focused on our dreams, goals, and what we want that it consumes us. We can get to the point where we're not going to be happy until it happens. But I've found that if we have to have something in order to be happy, our lives are out of balance. When our goals and dreams start to frustrate us, when we lose our peace, and we're not enjoying life; that's a sure sign that we're holding on too tightly. What's the solution? You've got to release it. Freedom comes when you say, "God, I'm turning it all over to You. You know my desires, and You know what's best for me. I'm choosing to trust You and trust Your timing."

When we learn to be content whatever the circumstances, it takes away the power of the enemy. It takes away his ability to frustrate us. Not only that, but by our actions we are showing our faith in God. When you choose to trust in His timing, you can live in peace, you can live in joy, and you can rest in Him knowing that He has good things in store for your future.



A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Heavenly Father, today I choose to trust in You. I release frustration over the dreams and desires in my heart, knowing that You know what's best for me. I choose to trust in Your timing because You are faithful, and I will bless You in all things. In Jesus' Name, Amen.


=D Isn't He AWESOME!!!! He defintely turns my mourning into dancing!! My sadness into laughter! My sorrow into Joy =)

All this happening in my life is so cool!! I have changed so much and people notice it. I see now, what people mean by changing. I look at myself sometimes like it's not even me. Who I was 3 months ago wasn't me..... It wasn't the real me. Who I am becoming is me. I was so lost. Lost beyond words. I would take all the heartache 20 times over again, if I was guaranteed, how I feel now, would be how it ends. Well, begins =)

Anyways, I had to share because I got up at 5 to use the rest room and saw that in my box and it just made me smile.

He speaks, you just have to listen =D

And me, myself and I need to worry about me and stop worrying about everyone else =)

I love Him!!! There isn't even a word to describe it!!

Have a wonderful Monday.

Love,

~Dianna

Migraines x.x

I am on day 3 of a horrible migraine. It started the other day with bad auras and the headache Monday night was so bad that I was shaking and scared to death. I didn't sleep well Monday night, tossed and turned and woke up every couple hours. Argh!

Yesterday it was a bit better. I took Tylenol before going to the gym and then again later before I went walking. I thought exercise would help them, but so far.......nope. I slept better last night than I did on Monday night. Even so I still woke up a few times and Claire woke me up at 4:30 to go potty.

Today it's better than yesterday, progress none the less, but I'm at the point I'm ready for it to leave now. I can't go to the gym today, have to go tonight so that's all good, but..........................

I'm down officially 20 lbs =) All my clothes fall off YAY!!!!!!

Yesterday Angel and I had such a wonderful time at the gym. She brings so much joy to my life. I laughed so hard when the hotter, sexier gym guy came over to us! Even funnier when he said "I never noticed you here before" Holy crap buddy I live there!! When I turned back to see Angel who was 30 different shades of red, omg I laughed so hard I was almost crying. LOL! I love those people there. They make me happy. Every single one of them. Even the seniors that laugh at me and Angel as we walk out the door unable to walk.

Busy day and going to be gone allllllll day til tonight so have a fantastic day all.

I love God and Love you guys very much.

Happy Wednesday!

~Dianna

Grouchy people

I wonder what runs through peoples heads sometimes. I really do. I have this friend at the gym Linda. She is the nicest sweetest woman one could ever meet. She would do anything for anyone.

She was crippled by polio, she can't stand up straight and is hunched over pretty badly and has to use a walker. I see her almost every day at the gym. She rides the bike on the end every day because they are close together and she can't get in between them being hunched over. Everyone usually will give up that bike for her because they know she can't get between the bikes and then has no where to put her walker.

Well..........There's this one lady who...ugh...she's just mean. I have been in there a couple times this week and that woman knows Linda comes at the same time and hops right on the end bike. So Linda will some times come talk to me to wait for the bike and sometimes she will go walking etc. She's been sick lately with a cold and came down and talked to me and Angel today. The lady was on the bike again and Linda went over to ask her how long she was going to be and the lady snarkily replied "I'm going to be on here for a realllllllly long time" Linda who really just wanted to ride the bike, finds a place for her walker and then I watched her try to squeeze to get to one of the middle bikes.

Why couldn't that lady of moved over? She did it one day last week too. It's almost like an imposition to her that Linda waits on the bike. She gets huffy and puffy. I just don't understand. That lady is healthy as a horse can easily get on one of the other bikes.

I dunno it just bothered me. She's the kindest soul ever and how anyone can look at her sweet nature and just be mean..... I just don't understand.

Happy Tuesday

Love

Dianna

=) Monday!

What a wonderful weekend I had =) Fabulous in so many ways.

First things first.........Blueberry Preserves! Sometimes for odd reasons, I crave blueberries. Elmer a few weeks ago sent me Wild Blueberry Jelly from Maine....... I can say without hesitation that it was the best blueberry preserve I have ever tasted. I have been on a hunt locally to find something similar, but nothing even comes close. I have three jars of blueberry preserves in my refrigerator. I have used almost one. It's nothing like the one from Maine. The one from Maine had perfect blueberries, nothing crunchy etc. The first jar I opened here, well there's some good blueberries in it, but there's a lot of crunchy ones. I eat it in my grits. It's a perfect fit in grits. So, as soon as the jar is finished we will move on to the second one and see if it comes close to the Maine Preserves. Sigh, why do I only fall in love with stuff that's far away! LOL! My syrup is in Vermont, gotta get the pattern!

Next ........Movies!!

I watched hmm four movies this weekend. First was Precious. Language was really, really, really bad. BUT......it was a very powerful movie. What that poor girl endured, I just want to hug her. Sad movie and I'd like to think people in real life aren't that cruel, but a sad reality is, they are. Probably worse.

Next was Alice in Wonderland. Me n the fam went to see it. I totally liked it a lot! Savannah did as well, however I think she was a little scared when the Jabberwocky came out. It was like a continuation from the first one and it was really well done. I love stories where escapes happen from your own life and you get to be taken to some wonderful place.....There are many days I would like to scour my yard looking for rabbit holes to fall down!

The third was Where the Wild Things Are....... Totally disliked this movie. The boy and that screaming. I wanted to whoop his butt five minutes into the movie. I totally would've been upset had I paid to watch it in a theatre, I can listen to my own kids scream for free. The boy was over the top annoying and the book was a favorite of mine. Sigh.

Okay, last movie of the weekend was Hachi. Dear Lord in Heaven, I cried more through this movie than any movie I have seen. It was well done and wow! I don't know what to say. Juan watched it with me and kept remarking about how sad it was and how touching. He said to me "Mom, how come I don't get sad when I watch movies of people like that, but when it's animals it's so hard to watch" I tried to explain to him that animals don't say things to hurt you, animals don't use you, animals don't break your heart, animals won't ever disappoint you..........They are always happy to see you. When you walk into a room, no human would ever greet you like that....... and what Hachi did......... how many people would ever do that? None. Dogs are fiercely loyal. Find me a person like that....... You can't.

Yesterday church was wonderful. As always. Four baptisms and I love watching those. Hearing the testimonies of what led them to God. Hearing about how life was for them, how bad...... Then God happens. Something no one can explain unless you feel it. I did =D Indescribable and everyone should experience it for themselves.

Okay, I gotta go to the gym .......... I'm looking really good and feeling great!!

Have a fantastic Monday

Lots of Love

<3

~Me

One month and one week.

For the first time in a month, my eyes are open. One month and one week to be exact.

For anyone who has been unlucky enough to weather the storm of a broken heart.......They should know all to well of what I am going to describe.

For a full month and one week a hurricane was upon me. The storm made worse by the fact that only I could see it. Only I could hear and feel it. People trying to help me through it. Help me weather it....But, how can you help something you can't see, feel or hear?

My life literally felt like it was crumbling around me. You see the videos on TV about "hurricane" clean up. That is what it was like for me today walking into my bedroom.

At first glance into my room.....Beginning the clean up of what was my life for one month and one week. Being back in the land of the living. Being someone different..... The damage of what is around me was very moving and yet so very hard to clean up. I saw things. I saw life for the first time in one month and one week.

It's as if time stopped inside of me. I look around my room and I get a close up view of the force of the storm. I didn't know it was that bad. A month and week ago the clock on my wall ticked away. The pendulum swung back, forth, back, forth. Tap, tap, tap. A sign to me that although it felt as time had stopped,it was indeed moving forward.

At some point during my one month and one week, the clock stopped working. One day at 4:55. Where there was once noise, now silence. Proof that time, for me, really did stop. Hearing the tapping of the clock made time real for me. Not hearing it made it real to me that my life had stopped.

Kleenex littered my floor. The "new" me, the"strong" me agreed it was time to start cleaning them up. One by one I picked them up. Remembering that for one month and one week, I cried enough for a lifetime. Remembering for one month and one week, my heart was indeed broken. Every thought, every memory, every word said lay within those Kleenex on the floor. Every tear shed on them a reminder that it really happened.

The digital alarm clock to my left........ I must've noticed a million times through tear filled eyes that the plug was almost out of the wall. I would sit and stare at it for hours while crying. It was like a focal point for me. I wasn't strong enough to put one foot in front of the other, go to that side of the room and plug it in. The "new" me the "strong" me plugged it in.

My sheets had not been washed in one month and one week. They also are filled with my tears and heartbreak. As I look at them crumpled up, it makes me sad. I look at them as if someone else were laying in them crying. It takes alot for me to realize, it was indeed me. I want to pick that girl up who is in that bed and hug her. I want to tell her that I love her and tell her don't worry, in one month and one week her heart won't hurt anymore. I want to wipe away her tears and just hold her for one month and one week.

I was like a woman who was trapped in that room..... Trapped is a bad choice of words. I was a woman waiting in a cocoon. Slowly peeling away at the inside to get out. Some days I didn't make any progress, some days I tore through layers. I'm out. I'm new. I'm a butterfly. I'm free.

I not so patiently waited and cried. I really don't know what I was waiting for. I only know I waited and God delivered me from the horrendous heartache that was bestowed upon me. The heartache I placed upon myself.

It was so odd cleaning all this stuff up as "me" in the now. The broken clock is still stopped. I may not fix it for awhile. I need that reminder of who that girl in the bed was, so I know to send that girl who is inside of me love. The calendar on my left shows me, time didn't stop. So, who needs the clock. One month and one week has passed.

If anyone has a magic number of how long a broken heart will last. Mine was one month and one week.

Today, I wake up and as I said in a post earlier in the week, something happened. It was my first experience of Divine Intervention. I may never share what happened. But, it made me whole. God lifted my pain and I emerged as someone new.

My heart is filled with Joy. I laugh and I smile. My thoughts are my own. I feel happiness I never felt in a lifetime.

I feel at home. My heart no longer searches for that place to call home for God is MY HOME. God is Love. God is everything you need to endure one month and one week of sheer hell.

My bible is next to me. A reminder that without that book, without those words, without MY GOD, I would not have been able to weather that storm.

I read Psalms now as the new "me" I see the wrinkled pages of where tears had fallen from my eyes and sprinkled all over them. More evidence that for one month and one week I was sad. For one month and one week a transformation was occuring.

I can't explain to you how I feel in my heart. I can't explain the burden that was lifted off my chest. I feel my heart beating now, not the pain of nails going through it. Only God could've healed that hurt. If I could see my heart, I would definitely be able to trace the scars all around it. I need them there. I want them there.

I want the reminder of the pain that brought me to my knees for one month and one week... That reminder that gave me a lifetime of happiness with God. What a short amount of time that is in perspective to where I am now. Who I am now.

For the first time in one month and one week I see my daughter without tear filled eyes and I see she has gotten taller. I see her blowing a bubble and the carefree moments a child gets to enjoy.

I continually ask God "What do I do?" "What next?" I become still and listen to that small still voice inside me. "Write" he says. To him I say "I don't know how" That small still voice says "I'll show you"

So....... I write. My words here to share with you..... My one month and one week.

I love my God. I love you guys. I love life.

~Me

Friday =D

YAY! Friday! End to the long busy week!!

Not much to write other than I'm staying busy. I'm 100% finally over E and OMG talk about relief! Alot happened and it made me realize..... I'm over him. Hallelujah!!

Allergies are plum kicking my butt this spring. Ah, Kentucky!

I'm down 17 lbs =D

I haven't met a blueberry I didn't like. I love coffee.

I love you guys!

Happy Friday!!

~me

Wednesday

This week has flown by and it's humpday. I can't believe it's already Wednesday.

Got a busy day and I didn't sleep much last night. I woke up about 5:30 to Anthony banging all around the house. I got up, scrubbed the kitched, mopped the floors, did the dishes. Did a little bit of laundry. Took the kids to school, went to the grocery. Came home scrubbed the living room and cleaned a tad in the bathroom.

Getting ready to shower, heading to spend the day with baby E then going to therapy. After that Juan from football practice, get Savannah and find time to go to the gym. Start to finish the day is busy.

LOST ........ What the heck is going on? Onliy 9 more episodes praise Jesus!

Okay, hopping in the tub

Have a wonderful day everyone.

Be safe

Love,

~Dianna

=) Tuesday afternoon!!

"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will"... ~ Hope Floats

Wow =) Wow and WOW =)

What a fantastic afternoon!!!

Wow =)

Well, when I'm in my car lately I have been turning off the radio and talking to God. I have heard in church even when I was in the Catholic church about how God answers you, about hearing God's voice, about hearing his answers for you.

The only way I can explain it is you remember those pictures that used to sell big in the 90's where you had to stare at it for a LONG time and then a picture within that picture would pop out?

Well.......... I was stuck on that picture for awhile. I never know what's my inner voice, what my thoughts are and I did NOT understand it at all! I was discouraged because I had no clue what they were talking about.

Today, I FINALLY understood it. Becoming a Christian isn't easy. It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I'm such a baby at it and I can't wait to mature it in.

As Carol said a few weeks back when the girl in church prayed for me, God speaks through people. I never knew that. I know better now what I need to do. =) As Daniel said "Got to turn and go the right way" All these signs that I ignored, I overlooked...... I was missing some important stuff!! In the gym aside from the laughing Angel and I were doing I was soooo happy, I smiled the whole time =D

I had a fabulous day with Angel. Gym hottie told me I don't need all that exercise, I look fantastic =) I'm down 16.5 lbs today =) I really, really am looking wonderful and feeling it!

I'm soooooooooooooooo excited. This afternoon was just so wonderful..... like at noon, my day went from BLAH to YAY!!!!! =D Maybe one day I'll share what happened, until then it's between me n God ;)

Have a fantastic Tuesday evening

Lots of LOVE, LOVE, LOVE

Hope =D

~Lady =)

Tuesday

Have a happy Tuesday all =D I think I got my bloggety blog fixed. I was hitting a wrong button.......... LOL, me, noooooo, never!

Everyone knows I do awful with change and LOL My whole blog system changed. Good Ole Trial N Error =D

Well........ I won't be back until tonight other than home to take a shower and grab a few things! It's 7 am and I'm trying to line up the things I have to do like ducks and visually shoot them down as I do them.

Duck number one...........Get off here and go get dressed

Happy Tuesday

Love you guys <3

~Dizie

Tears and the book of Psalms

I can't tell you how many times lately I turn to the book of Psalms. Seems me and David (David in the book of Psalms not my friend) and the others in them have alot in common.

Anyone who suffers cruelly from a broken heart should read Psalms.

The night before last and tonight, I read them and tears fall down my cheeks and fill my pages. I have cried all over the book of Psalms.

My heart hurts and I hear over and over again about how God takes that pain away, I wait patiently for it to go. Seems sometimes it's less, but other times like tonight it's unbearable.

When in church tonight A song came on and we were asked to pray during it. It was so beautiful and all I could ask God was , "Why wasn't I good enough for him" and "Why didn't he love me back" I was just sitting there in church with tears streaming down my face. That pain, that strong pain of someone taking nails and just poking them deeper into my heart. Sometimes that pain is so large it hurts just to breathe in. After the song was over out of the blue here comes my cousin Lindsay and she also has tears running down her face. Life is so hard and God is so good.

I love my family. I love my cousin Lindsay with all my heart. Hugging her made that pain a little more bearable.

Tonight was hard and they talked about showing humility before God and I did. I'm not ashamed to say I hurt. I didn't fight off the tears in a room with hundreds and hundreds of people. I hurt and I cried.

I'm not ashamed to say out of hurt I have said some pretty hurtful things. Hurt and loss are so powerful and hurt so much, especially when you feel that hurt is based on the fact that you just didn't have what it took.

Over all, I just prayed that the pain will go away. No pain is greater than loving someone that doesn't love you back.

I just have to be patient. Til then I will cry with the Psalms, evidence even thousands of years ago pain in the heart was just the same. Nothing invented in all the years takes that pain away. It's a constant through history.

This is where I cried tonight

Pslam 28

1 To you I call, O LORD my Rock;
do not turn a deaf ear to me.
For if you remain silent,
I will be like those who have gone down to the pit.
2 Hear my cry for mercy
as I call to you for help,
as I lift up my hands
toward your Most Holy Place.

3 Do not drag me away with the wicked,
with those who do evil,
who speak cordially with their neighbors
but harbor malice in their hearts.

4 Repay them for their deeds
and for their evil work;
repay them for what their hands have done
and bring back upon them what they deserve.

5 Since they show no regard for the works of the LORD
and what his hands have done,
he will tear them down
and never build them up again.

6 Praise be to the LORD,
for he has heard my cry for mercy.

7 The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to him in song.

8 The LORD is the strength of his people,
a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.

9 Save your people and bless your inheritance;
be their shepherd and carry them forever.


Happy Sunday Evening

Love,

Dianna Lynne

Happy Sunday!!

Just got all dressed and ready for church.

Well............ 14.5 lbs =D in 12 days!! My clothes are falling offfff! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, off to church =D

Have a fantastic Saturday Everyone!!

He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. ~Benjamin Franklin

Love,

~Dianna

It's Saturday

"Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.” ~Author Unknown

I sit here after one of the roughest nights I have had. I don't realize why I can't move forward. He is. Why can't I talk to these guys who want to talk to me......He's moved on with other people. Why can't I?

I think and think and think about what it is, why can't I move forward. I realize that after everyone, there's always been someone else. Almost immediately. This time, I am trying to heal from all the past and don't want anyone at all.

Rebound relationships do not work.

I think I get scared sometimes that I'll keep wanting no one. I don't trust men. Not anymore.

Anyways one day closer to finding myself. Having a ceremonial burning of my WoW discs later or maybe a hammer taking to them. Either way they are going to a slow death.

Have a wonderful Saturday.

Love,

~Me

TGIF

If you have an hour, will you not improve that hour, instead of idling it away?
Lord Chesterfield

ARGH Today I am feeling all those hours of not being idle. Every day this week except Wednesday I have gone to the gym 2 times a day. Tonight, I did NOT want to go, but I pushed through and forced myself.

I'm spring cleaning and just enjoying the quiet.

Happy Friday Everyone

Love you lots! <3

~ Dianna

Thursday Evening =D

Joy is a flower that blooms when you do. ~Author Unknown


I LOVE today =D!!! My morning went great, Juan got up for school and we were out the door, no fussing or fighting!

Angel met me at the gym and we worked out for 2.5 hours this morning. I loved seeing her and I have missed her so much. We used to see each other every day in hair school, so I'm glad to have her back in my life.

I came home, ate lunch, got the kids and went back to the gym for another 1.5 hours. Savannah got here and we have laughed and danced.

I have such joy in my heart and I'm so glad that all the anger has passed. That was a storm I never want to weather again.

I taped this Psalm over my headboard it's Psalm 4
4 In your anger do not sin;
when you are on your beds,
search your hearts and be silent.

I need to practice being silent. That's my big, biggggg one. I don't want to forget it and it's probably the hardest thing for me. When I am angry, be silent.

Happy Thursday

Love you guys

~Dianna

Hi HI Hiiiii!!! =D It's Tuesday!

I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday!!

Went to the gym and I lost 10 lbs!! =D That's in hmm 8 days? Going for 4 hrs a day probably is doing alot of good.

I wasn't able to do my full work out this morning, so I'm getting ready for community groups now and then heading there before I have to go to Curls.

It's not a matter of "if" It's a matter of "when"

I've never been so determined in all my life to keep pushing through.

Happy Day

<3

~Dianna

Monday

"The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for."

~Maureen Dowd~

=D I think that says it all. I'm really proud of myself, I haven't played WoW in weeks. I have had offers to buy my account, friends have asked if they could have it.... I was really on the fence about what to do with it. I still had a slight hesitation of "going back or not"

After praying, thinking, etc.........Well, I got my sign last night. I cried for a brief bit and then laughed. Quite hard. I don't belong there anymore and talk about perfect timing. I thank God for making it so easy to see. The pure brilliance of timing was for sure a huge, huge sign!

The crying was over almost as soon as it started and like I said I laughed and laughed. God has a sense of humor for sure =)


I really like not playing anymore. I'm liking so much who I am becoming. I have lost so much weight and it keeps falling off. I'm not taking crap, I'm laughing, I'm getting out of the house, forming a life.
Soooooo....... It's gone. I'm NOT going back and I'm very happy about that.

Yesterday I noticed something. About my eyes.

My eyes tell everything about me. I looked over pics of the last few months and my eyes looked so sad. Kyle told me that when I'm sad my eye lose that sparkle, but when I'm happy you can see a twinkle in my eye. That's true and I can see it in my pics. Well, I took some the other day when I was doing my make up check for my date and I have my twinkle back.

I have a busy day and I'm going to spend a few hours at the gym. Working on myself =)

Still LOLing about last night..... Ah! God loves me. He really, really loves me. I love him too <3

<3 Perfect timing

Have a wonderful Monday.

I love you guys!!

~Dianna Lynne

Church tonight

Was FABULOUS!! I wish I could send you all pics of the art exhibit there. All through church I was looking out the door at this couch with a shower running on it..... I didn't understand it and it had an explanation next to it..... it was this Psalm
Psalms6:
6 I am worn out from groaning;
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.

It was soooooo cool since I obviously have flooded my bed with tears in February...... Then they had these shelves with jars all on them and they had this Psalm

Psalm 56:8
put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book? 9 When I cry unto thee, then shall mine enemies turn back: this I know; for God is for me. 10 In God will I praise his word:

It was just neat =) I really, really enjoyed it tonight =)

Fixing to go to bed. It was a wonderful Sunday.

<3 you guys very much

~Di

It's Over!

Seems like February is the month for me for being over. Relationship w/ E over, relationship with WoW over and relationship with food over.

I have been dropping pounds wickedly fast. It could be the fact that I work out 2 hrs in the morning, 2 hrs at night or.....It could be I'm just not hungry. I have to force myself to eat anymore. I just don't want it.

I'm tired. I was up til about 4 a.m. I spent about 3 hrs at the gym this morning, had to go grocery shopping, came home cooked dinner, hopping in the shower all to go to church this evening.

I'm just plum wore out and my week is so busy.

Argh Hectic Thursday

That's really all I can say.

Hectic.

Therapy and what I have to do this week is hard. Harder than last week. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't make me do anything, but gives me the tools of what I have to do to get better and when I have the courage, I do them.

Courage is a funny thing. I never really thought I had much. I always view myself as weak. I'm really not weak at all, I have alot more strength and courage than I thought I did. Evidence that God is helping me through all this. Finding that spot inside me that wants control over my own life.

Yesterday the only analogy I could think of for him is that I'm all the pieces on a Chess board. What move I make, is dictated by who's moving the piece. I just stand there and wait for someone to move me. I want off that board. I'm tired of people manipulating me in whatever direction they think I need to go in. I never realized how many people in my life have manipulted me. I'm done with that.

Everyone knows I have my thresholds. I speak of them often with people. If things have gone badly over time and things happen, lack of respect and things done to hurt my feelings......Well, I say to myself the very next time such and such happens, I quit. Usually it takes a long, long time. I respect myself enough that if I set those boundaries, I stick to them. I need to make those boundaries alot sooner. My do not cross line.......quit taking so much, draw that line in the sand earlier and be strong enough to need no one.

I'm on my way =)

Off to the gym <3

The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.
~Carlos Castaneda

Have a wonderful day

<3
Dianna =)

Good Tuesday Morning =)

Actually been getting to sleep at a decent hour so I wake up really early!

Last night I tried sleeping with the TV off. I have a horrible habit of sleeping with the TV on. Well....... LOL, I prayed, meditated and then tried to convince myself I could do it. Nah, I made it 15 minutes with no TV. Everything is so weird in the dark. Maybe each night I can go a little further until I just fall asleep waiting for the minutes.

Have a really busy day today. Gotta get some stuff together for going back to a salon =) I love when my old bosses randomly pop into my life. I'm nervous about going back to hair, but I was really good at it. I gotta spend the day cleaning Johnnys, gotta get to the gym and then Community Groups with Curl tonight.

I love days like today. Busy and no time for thinking. I won't lie and say I don't have sad moments, because I have them quite a bit...But, I'm dealing with them. I'm getting my groove back and moving on. Missing people is hard. It's the quiet where there was once noise for me. Missing for the right reasons, I'm there.

Have a wonderful Tuesday.

Much, Much, Much Love <3

Dianna Lynne

It's Monday

What a journey I am on lately. It's amazing waking up every day finding out something new about myself. For the past 4 or 5 years I threw myself into whatever I could to avoid dealing with the pain I had inside.

Pain from the past, pain from the present.

Last Sunday was the worst day of my life, yet the best. My heart was broken. I cried and cried til I could not cry anymore. Only God could've saved me from that enormous hole I had in my heart that day. He did. I prayed like no other, prayed and prayed to please just for a few minutes stop this pain I am in.

At first I thought it was pain from breaking up with Elmer, but it wasn't. Elmer actually had very little to do with it. I realize I was using Elmer to keep from dealing with my own pain. He was a distraction. I knew I was doing the right thing by going my own seperate way, but I got scared because when it donned on me that we were indeed done......... I had nothing but the pain.

God had it all worked out. I couldn't walk, I couldn't talk. I could barely function that day and he picked me up. The next day I woke up and was a bit stronger. My head swirled with things I never dealt with. I have always had a guy for distraction and it's always been a guy with problems.

The book I'm reading now.........Amazing.
The therapist sending me to another therapist.........Amazing.

All these things I firmly believe were God. God getting my attention saying "Look girl, get it together"

I'm starting to accept everything that happened to me and deal with it, instead of just grabbing a guy and covering it up. Before when asked on dates I said "Yes" The past week I have turned down 3 knowing that I am not even close to being what I need to be to make a relationship work. It felt SOOOOOOOOO good.

Church Sunday, I was so apprehensive about going alone. But I went. He (the preacher) talked about lament. He talked about pain and suffering. He talked about how Jesus knows that pain and that suffering. He had people mocking him and beating him. He knows. When he looked up and said "Getting through the hurt, working through the pain......Your story isn't finished" It was hard to hold back tears. I guess I never realized that my story isn't finished.

I don't know what the future holds for me. Not in any fashion. But I know if I continue to work on myself and quit filling my time with things that distract me from my feelings, that my story can have a happy ending. It may or may not involve a man and that's okay. But it will involve me and God. =)

I struggle alot with decisions, not knowing if I am making a right one or a wrong one. Always second guessing myself. I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm not going to do things and be with people that I don't like because I feel there are no other options. Whether it's guys or girls(friends), if I don't like them ....... I'm going to get out.

Before I would just up and go cut someones hair, who I knew wasn't going to pay me or do something else like take pictures for them (people who didn't treat me well) and just do it for acceptance. I'm done. This will be the hardest struggle of all for me. Saying..........NO =)

Alot of I's in these posts, but I need to get right with God and myself. Faith the past few days has revealed its good works to me in ways I can't explain. I have that faith I lacked before. I'm starting to remember things that hurt and that I blocked out. I think about them, give them the proper attention and say to myself "It happened" No more blocking them out, no more not dealing with them.

I have a long road in therapy. Really, really long. But I'm on it. =)

I finally feel like I will know who I am and I am a really wonderful person. I need no one to validate that. I know what my thoughts are, I know where my heart is and I'm a wonderful person inside and out

=)
Happy Monday

A special thanks to my family and friends for being there for me and the special girl at church who saved me.

Much Love,

Di

Hi =)

** Forgot to add, I don't really update here much anymore because I'm always on Facebook like all my other bloggety bloggers LOL

It's been a really, really, REALLY long time since I have written. I kinda quit after that whole stalker thing. I'm pretty sure he's gone. Thank God =)
For once, I'm doing really, really well. I feel like I'm finally getting my life together.

Other than the above, nothing has been going on. This weekend has been WONDERFUL =) Thus far. I feel peace. No crying. I have the best friends a girl could ask for and they are doing a wonderful job making sure I'm okay. I <3 you guys.

I won't wait months before I update again lol! I got 2 emails yesterday asking when I was going to update...... I know it isn't much of one. Just know that I'm good, Life is wonderful and I'm happy =)

Had to fix my play list LOL Bad Romance is like my motto song!! <3 Lady Ga Ga =)

Love,
Di