I can't tell you how many times lately I turn to the book of Psalms. Seems me and David (David in the book of Psalms not my friend) and the others in them have alot in common.
Anyone who suffers cruelly from a broken heart should read Psalms.
The night before last and tonight, I read them and tears fall down my cheeks and fill my pages. I have cried all over the book of Psalms.
My heart hurts and I hear over and over again about how God takes that pain away, I wait patiently for it to go. Seems sometimes it's less, but other times like tonight it's unbearable.
When in church tonight A song came on and we were asked to pray during it. It was so beautiful and all I could ask God was , "Why wasn't I good enough for him" and "Why didn't he love me back" I was just sitting there in church with tears streaming down my face. That pain, that strong pain of someone taking nails and just poking them deeper into my heart. Sometimes that pain is so large it hurts just to breathe in. After the song was over out of the blue here comes my cousin Lindsay and she also has tears running down her face. Life is so hard and God is so good.
I love my family. I love my cousin Lindsay with all my heart. Hugging her made that pain a little more bearable.
Tonight was hard and they talked about showing humility before God and I did. I'm not ashamed to say I hurt. I didn't fight off the tears in a room with hundreds and hundreds of people. I hurt and I cried.
I'm not ashamed to say out of hurt I have said some pretty hurtful things. Hurt and loss are so powerful and hurt so much, especially when you feel that hurt is based on the fact that you just didn't have what it took.
Over all, I just prayed that the pain will go away. No pain is greater than loving someone that doesn't love you back.
I just have to be patient. Til then I will cry with the Psalms, evidence even thousands of years ago pain in the heart was just the same. Nothing invented in all the years takes that pain away. It's a constant through history.
This is where I cried tonight
1 To you I call, O LORD my Rock;
do not turn a deaf ear to me.
For if you remain silent,
I will be like those who have gone down to the pit.
2 Hear my cry for mercy
as I call to you for help,
as I lift up my hands
toward your Most Holy Place.
3 Do not drag me away with the wicked,
with those who do evil,
who speak cordially with their neighbors
but harbor malice in their hearts.
4 Repay them for their deeds
and for their evil work;
repay them for what their hands have done
and bring back upon them what they deserve.
5 Since they show no regard for the works of the LORD
and what his hands have done,
he will tear them down
and never build them up again.
6 Praise be to the LORD,
for he has heard my cry for mercy.
7 The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to him in song.
8 The LORD is the strength of his people,
a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.
9 Save your people and bless your inheritance;
be their shepherd and carry them forever.
Happy Sunday Evening