Monday, April 05, 2010


Happy Monday =D

Got off to a bad start. But, only a couple of hours are gone, not the whole day.

Got an add from Kyle's niece on Facebook and I went and looked at her pictures and started crying.

Some of you may not know that I struggle with anxiety and panic disorder. Sometimes it was to the point where I couldn't leave my house. Holidays at Kyles families were some of my favorite times. Especially Easter.

His niece posted pics of their Easter and I just started crying because I miss all of them. His one niece had gotten so big I didn't even know it was her. I miss his mom, his dad, his sisters, his nieces.

That aspect of divorce is awful.

Sometimes I wonder what happened. How did we get to fighting so much. At what point did things get that bad between us.

I don't think it would've worked at any point with things the way they were. I was/am/is severely lost.

The biggest part of my change was admitting how awful I was. But, I couldn't of gotten to where I am now, with out that. So it serves it's place I suppose.

I became discouraged last night, thinking I'm different, but I don't know how to handle everything that crops up. I still have messes to clean up from my old life. I have to learn to adapt to people who haven't changed, I have to learn how to respond to people the right way.

It's so hard, because I don't know how to do any of this. Exactly why I refuse to date. I can't fall into my old patterns.

I almost gave up last night. Seems easier to just give up than to try to figure all this out.

My heart is different, I'm not a quitter anymore. As always God saves me....He isn't going to let me give up. Below is what page I turned to in my book. How it happens that way, I'll never know, but it always says what I am feeling.

Thank God, you were once slaves of sin, you have become obedient with all your heart to the standard of teaching in which you were instructed and to which you were committed. (Romans 6:17)

When we receive Christ as our Savior, God gives us a new heart--one that wants to do what is right. however, it takes awhile for our behavior to catch up with our new hearts and that is often very frustrating. One part of us wants to do what is right, yet another part of us fights against it. That is the war between the flesh and the spirit Paul discusses in Galatians 5:17.
At the new birth, God equips us inwardly with all we need to live holy, obedient lives. We are made new creatures in Christ; old things pass away and all things are made new (see Corinthians 5:17) I like to say we are made new spiritual clay and we spend our lives letting the Holy Spirit mold us into the image of Christ (see Romans 8:29). We need to thank God that we have a new heart, one that wants to be obedient.
Celebrate your progress and don't be discouraged because God sees your heart. If we let go of what lies behind and keep pressing towards the place of total obedience, God is pleased. We are learning to walk with God and walking is the slowest mode of travel that exists. you may not be where you want to be, but thank God you have an obedient heart.

Focus on Jesus today, not your failures.

Above is from hearing from GOD each morning, by Joyce Meyer

So, when I was ready to throw up my hands because I'm tired of trying so hard, failing and have people acknowledge my failures.

I am trying hard.

I don't have all the answers, I don't know how react to people. I can't escape into a video game anymore, I have to deal with this stuff and I don't know how.

I am not who I was, I don't know what to do.

It's hard living the right way. It hard trying to live the right way.

I'm not going to give up. No matter how hard it gets, I'm going to hold my head high and press on.

Things will work themselves out.

Have a happy Monday.



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