Changes....

This morning my head is swirling at all the changes of late and none of it makes any sense. This post will be rambling =)

I have been holding onto God tightly...I don't know where all this is going, I just know that He promises to work everything together for good.

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

It may seem (it is)crazy right now, but it's just a stepping stone into something good because it is written that it will be good.

I'm tired. I'm angry at myself. I'm confused about multiple things. I'm scared. I'm sad.

One positive thing I noticed in my year of changes is that I have been taking my thoughts and making them captive to Christ. Almost instantly when I think something bad I remember God's truth. That for me is changing 38 years worth of non-sense I speak to myself. Truth will set you free.

He has been delivering peace to me over and over and over again. I have cried out continously for help lately and always He is there!

He will never, ever leave me. He will never stop loving me. He won't lie to me. He won't forsake me. He LOVES me. Truly.

Sometimes He gets quiet and I begged Him not to go quiet right now. I couldn't take that with the multitude of everything else going on.

I have to hold on and know He is always there.

I wish the changes would stop, but I guess that's the thing I can count on is things will always change.

Have to remember the good changes too.....Like I've lost so much weight and my body changing was a HUGE good change.

I can run 6 full miles without stopping......good change.

Taking my bad thoughts and putting God's truth on them....good change.

Lots and lots of good changes.

Funny, I asked God the other day in my anger....Why? Why? Why? Why do some people seem to get off so easy on the things they do and why am I always called out to do the right thing?????

His answer came immediately. Loud and clear...."Because I expect better out of you."

=) I love Him.

Have a great new year.

As you can tell my post was all over the place, that's about how my brain is right now.

Been a very, very wonderful year for me. Full of positive changes.

I can't wait to see what good He is working out for me through this current batch of changes.

Love,

~me

Christmas Night

Saying bye to Christmas this year has proven a little tough. It truly has been one of the best Christmas's I have ever had.

*It was a perfect white Christmas.
*I am surrounded by wonderful family and friends.
*Jesus the light of this world was born.
*All my children were home and are well.
*I got everything I could ask or hope for.
*People really, really love me.
*God really, really loves me.
*God has blessed me more than I could ever dream of.

Tonight I will go to sleep. Tomorrow God willing I will wake up and life will be back to normal.

Next holiday Valentine's day and I will count down the days til spring comes.

Happy Birthday baby Jesus. I love and need you.

Merry Christmas.

Much Love,

~Dianna

Looking for some good in winter

In the days of missing summer, I'm trying to find the positives in winter when a.) It's not even winter yet b.) It's cold, snowy and we are trapped in the house.

This is gonna be hard!!

*I'll start with my personal favorite....Navel oranges are in season!! I bought a huge bag yesterday. They taste so good this time of year. I absolutely LOVE them!

*The snow makes everything look clean!

*After the brutal summer, the brutal cold is a little (and I stress little) depressing.

*The gym is less crowded. (til January LOL)

*Jesus birthday!! =)

*My Christmas tree smells heavenly!

*I love my blue jeans

*Anthony's home from college for Christmas break!

*My dogs get their winter coats and they are soooooo soft.

Okay, that's all the happiness for winter I can take right now!! Gonna go find some snuggly socks!!

I Love me some socks!!!! My ducky ones got a hole in them, wahhhhh! That's okay, an orange is a quick fix solution!

Off to eat one =)

Have a fantastic snow day!

Love,

~me

Betty

Not sure if I ever blogged about Betty, but she's a wonderful woman I workout with at the gym.

Going as much as I do, for as long as I have, you become attached to the people.

There's a woman there named Betty. I have watched her for 2 years lift weights, jog, exercise. Always with a huge smile on her face and always with kind words to say to everyone else. She's 75 years old and I never said much to her other than hi til a few months ago.

I got the honor of working out next to her quite a bit lately. I asked her how she has such ambition at her age. It's amazing to watch, especially when she always has a smile on her face.

She told me that she had cancer a few years ago. Lung cancer. It's back now and stage 2. She said as long as she's working out, she's fighting the cancer. As long as she's in there, it hasn't beat her yet.

Her husband is also battling cancer. A battle they are doing together. So, every day I go in and it's an inspiration to watch.

I didn't see her last week and I started wondering where she was. Yesterday at the gym Mike said she had, had a stroke and would be out for awhile.

Broke my heart. Another reason cancer stinks.

Please pray for Betty. She is a visible image of courage.

She called the Y to tell them she would be back in a couple of months.

I know she will be.

Courage.

Love,

~me

My new hat YAY!!

It is one of the best items ever given tooooooooo me YAY!!

I Loves it!



Love,

~me, me, me!

Oh, so beautifully broken

This isn't the first time I have shared this ornament. I have posted pics of him before...But, I have never told his story.

I had one year in my life without a Christmas tree. Without a Christmas. I was living in Virgina, my husband was abusive...Need I really say more about that?

I had begged for a Christmas tree over and over. I wasn't going to get to be with my family and I had no one but Jennie and she was doing stuff with her own family. Most of the base had gone home for Christmas. I was lonely.

I went to the Commissary and bought a pack of Christmas lights and attempted to tape them to the wall in the shape of a Christmas tree. It looked awful, but I was trying with all my might to get them to stay. My husband was laughing over and over as I tried. I sat there just looking at them lay on the floor and cried.

When I cried, it always made him really mad. I can't remember the sequence of events, but he grabbed my baby and made a comment something like "Do you want something to cry over?" He was sitting near the window and made gestures like he was going to throw him out the window.

I got up off the floor and first tried asking for Juan. He was jerking him around and acting like he was going to throw him out the window. Juan (my son) was screaming as he was tossing him around. I tried like hell to get him out of his hands. He kicked me repeatedly and my son was still screaming. I kept going and trying to get my baby from him. He kicked me again, so hard that I felt my arm snap. I was in sooo much pain, but kept trying to get Juan from him. I still see Juan's face, reaching out for me and screaming. He was so scared.

Finally, he threw Juan in my arms and I ran with Anthony out to the hall. I was crying so hard and looked at my arm. It was swollen and I had so many bruises that had already popped up.

Jennie of course watched my kids while I spent my Christmas Eve in the Emergency room. I sat there and made up a thousand different lies as to what happened. I cried for hours.

The Doctors put an air cast on me, put my arm in a sling and sent me home. I had told them that I hit it (on the table) picking something up off the floor...In abusive relationships you get pretty good at making up excuses where the bruises come from. The next day my arm was swollen pretty big, bruised,painful.....But nothing was quite as broken as my spirit.

If you follow frequently, then you know I made it out of that relationship successfully and never went back. Many thanks to the Center For Women and Families here in Louisville =)

I made it a point to celebrate Christmas every single year. No matter what, I would have a Christmas tree.

My second Christmas after all that had happened, I lived in an apartment complex. I was walking to the dumpster and someone had thrown their whole tree in. On the ground below it was this soldier. Wet, paint chipped. Someone had stepped on him and broken his arm off.. But he was precious to me because of what he stood for in my life.

So much beauty in life comes from things that are beautifully broken. I picked him up and told him that every single year, he would have the place of honor on my tree. I also promised him that one year, one year we would have enough money to hang him on a very real Christmas tree.

Years came and went and for this reason or that we could never have a real tree.

I'm proud to announce that this year I hung my beautifully broken soldier on a very real Christmas tree.

It may not seem like a big deal to anyone, but nothing yesterday could've wiped the smile off my face. I went and picked it out, got it home, did everything on my own.

Last night we had a tree decorating party. Me and my family...I took my soldier out of his keeping place and put him in the best spot on the tree.

God did that for me. He took this person so broken inside and out and made me something. Took what people threw out for trash and stepped on..He not only picked me up...He wanted me. Shined me up and I'd like to think if there's a Christmas tree in heaven, He puts me in a very good spot. I know I'm in His hands and that's the best place to be.

What looks like trash to some, is treasure to others.

Til the day I die, I will hang that soldier proudly on my tree. I will never attempt to fix him, because I think he's perfect as he is.

Serves as a reminder to me of what I came from and where God brought me.

Here's a picture of my first ever real tree. Still brings tears to my eyes.


I will enjoy every second of My Saviors birth this year.

=)

God is so awesome!!

Love,

~me

Happy December!!

We went to Light Up Louisville on Friday night!! It was cold but awesome! I'm so stinking happy it's the holidays it's unreal!

I don't wanna miss ANYTHING!! Here's some pics I took down at the lighting of the Christmas tree and city =)

Here are the fireworks they let off when we counted down


Juan and Savannah


Savannah being a Jedi!


We ALL wore our Chucks LOL! That's good planning!


Heading down to Fourth street!


City Hall =) It looked sooooooo beautiful!


The last is of my very first real Christmas tree. I tell you what I could cry I'm so happy! I have had a smile plastered across my face all day because I HAVE A REAL CHRISTMAS TREE!!!!!!! Waiting on Savannah to get here so we can decorate it!!


YAY for Baby Jesus Birthday!!

Love,

~Me

Baby Steps

I really made a HUGE leap tonight. I had some stuff up in my closet, in a box.

Old memories, old notes, old cards.....etc.

It was very hard taking the step to take them from their places to put them in the box. I remember doing it, crying...touching each card, reading each word. Looking at all the things, the pictures...

Tonight without any tears, I was able to throw the box away =)

No tears, no sadness...I FELT NOTHING and it felt fantastic!!!

That was a HUGE step for me. You have no idea.

I prayed for so long for the strength.

Another prayer answered!!

Praise God!! =)

Decorating for Christmas tomorrow YAY!!

Love,

~me

Happy Thanksgiving

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. It was nice to have a day off =) FROM everything! I even took the day off from the gym!!

Ate lots of good food and saw family YAY!!

So thankful for my family and friends and most of all I'm thankful for God and His love.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Him...so very, very much.

He's the best ever!!

Life is so good!

~me

Blank

I think that's a good word. Blank.

That's me these days. Blank.

I don't know what God's doing in my life. I have not the foggiest idea and I know He's the master of taking a mess and making it something, but I feel like I have been wiped clean and not the way I felt "clean" when I was baptized.

Am I growing? I believe so. Almost all remnants of my old life with the exception of a few same faces are gone. Memories gone too. It's in the past. Leave it.

I had to think 5 minutes to remember something about Elmer other than flowers. I drew blanks...I could think of nothing about Brett. All I remember of Kyle is how angry he was/is.

Blank. I don't know why and even worse...I don't care. I was on the world's biggest pity pot and I see now...Who cares? I don't want sympathy, I don't want understanding, I don't want anything from anyone.

That's my headspace. Anything I used to like, I don't. Flowers, but that's it. Chocolate, I haven't had it in 7-8 weeks nd I don't even miss it. Food...Don't miss it.

All I want to do is run. The only time I feel like I'm feeling anything, is when I'm running. Not running from things, actually physical running. Five days a week isn't enough for me. I see now why Forest ran when Jennie left him. I totally understand that part of the movie now.

People who are/were mean........Who cares. They aren't going to change and sitting around moping or complaining about them not changing isn't going to make them change. I'm fed up, sick of going around the same mountain over and over.

Realizing letting go actually means letting go. Not hanging on to remnants of this or that....Past is the past, leave it and move forward. I hung onto Brett for years and what did it do? Did it bring him back? Nope. It wasn't wrong to miss him at all, because I do miss him, but I hung on too long.

I feel like God Control, Alt, Deleted my brain. Nothing is the same and I have no idea what's going on. Maybe I hit my head harder than I thought in the wreck.

My chalkboard erased and I have nooooooooo clue where it's headed.

Submit, submit, submit because nothing can be done about anything anyways.

Life is complicated. It always will be. 38 years of wishing it were different isn't going to make it different. My life is what it is. Complicated...So, just shut up and live it.

That's what I say to myself now. The big leaf battle this year, 5 hours into raking I started to feel sorry for myself. Immediately I say to myself..."Shut up and do it. You whining about it in your head isn't going to get the leaves up, so shut up and pick the things up and move on."

Wishing is useless. Absolutely useless.

It doesn't change anything.

Happy whatever day it is.

Love,

~me

Thought of something now LOL

After I posted all that, I went and read some of my posts from the last couple of years.....I have so many mixed emotions about my old posts.

One thing stood out at me and I didn't see back then, how truly angry I was. I read and think, 'Did I write that?'

I am ashamed at some of the things I wrote and I'm not sure if I should delete them or keep them there as a reminder of how far I have come.

My aunt Carol pointed out to me the progress I have made and I have said a few times, "I really don't see it."

I see it now.

God delivered me from that complete and total mess I was in. I couldn't see how angry I was til I was removed from all that chaos, then I had to heal.

Man...I must've been unbearable to live with. I'm sad for my kids because they had to put up with me when I was like that. I thank God so much for helping me mature and change my heart. Very little of that anger is left in my heart and with every situation that happens, God sifts it out.

He is the Potter, I am the clay.

I am just sitting here crying at who I have become and from what. Nothing short of a miracle.

I said some pretty awful things to a whole lot of people and I misdirected my anger at so many.

Wow. Wow.

No wonder my self confidence was so low. I didn't like that girl.

I almost feel sorry for me back then, I was so lost.

All that hurt, all that pain and I didn't know my healer.

I can not tell you how thankful I am for God changing me.

I'm finally who I really am.

Thank you, thank you, thank you God!!

I'm in awe at the progress I've made.

Love,

~Dianna

Hi.

I have started to blog a few times and I just can't think of anything to say.

Today is the first day I have had off in ages and at the end of it I think how boring it is just sitting at home.

I went and had an awesome workout this morning. That's about it.

Tomorrow a friend invited me over, so I'm gonna go hang out. Tomorrow afternoon is Juan's birthday dinner.

Savannah and I have been praying about things people might forget to pray for sometimes. It's cute. We prayed for all the clowns on the earth, she prayed for all the bugs in the world...Cereal makers, stray dogs. Cute, cute. I love her so very much and wish I didn't have to share her.

Well, I guess I'm out of here.

Have a great evening =) <3

Love,

Me <3

So...

Yea, so I have a son with problems. Anxiety, panic, mood swings, severe depression. He has had a fear of school since kindergarten. Every year a constant battle to get him to go. He has been in the hospital, on meds.

People tend to blame me for this, saying I'm not an effective parent because I can't force him to go. That I'm just letting him get away with it.

I wish people would just either spend a day with a child who has a mental illness or shut up.

No one listens to me. Ever. Everyone just thinks they know best, when in reality I have been doing this for 15 years, I know exactly what I'm doing. I know what makes it better, I know what makes it worse.

I also know that I'm tired.

About a month ago, he retreated to his bed and wouldn't get up for 4 days unless it was to curse me out, pee or eat. This time since Wednesday of last week he hasn't been to school. They put him on all new meds which made him worse and then they tell me there's nothing they can do. He's angry at me and taking it all out on me. Suprise there, I'm everyones freaking punching bag.

I honestly don't know if I can go on. I keep looking for God in all of this and I can't find Him. It's one of those times where I am trying and trying with any strength I have to hold onto faith.

I can't express to you in words how exhausted I am. I'm tired of taking the brunt of his anger, I'm tired of everyone thinking they know better and they don't have a clue what I have been through or what he's going through.

He's not a brat, he's sick.

God, where are you? Why can't I see you in any of this? What did I do so wrong to deserve this for so many years? What good can come from this? I know I don't deserve help, but you promise that anything asked in your sons name shall be given.

I ask for help and You promise it. Where is it?

Pray please, I honestly could just throw myself on the floor and not get up. I'm that tired.

I don't wanna do this anymore.

~Di

Yea....So I miss summer...

Summer is officially gone and well...I'm a bit sad over it. I had a really good summer.
I miss my flowers, I miss taking pictures of them. I miss watering them. I miss when the seeds were growing and becoming flowers.
I need to look for the positive in fall, find the blessings and good things about winter.
Wahhhhhhhh! I don't wanna!
I have all my summer plants indoors, so that's kinda cool. Snow is cool. There are other cool things, like holidays I suppose...
I just really miss working in my yard.
The pic above was just taken about 3 weeks ago. The last blooms on my night blooming jasmine. I miss that smell.
Hope everyone is doing well.
Happy Fall =) Time changes this weekend.

Love,

~Me

Heading in the right direction

So, this morning bit the dust quite quickly.

I'm exhausted, but I'm not functioning by my own strength, I'm functioning on the strength of the one who made me.

You ever get those feelings where your mind is going in 100 different directions? You are trying to think of solutions to problems, you are sad because you don't know what to do with the problem? I was there this morning. My mind was going crazy, I was crying...upset. I got in my car and turned to go down this long road. As I was driving I look closely at the road. The telephone poles because of the position of the sun are all perfectly made crucifixes lying before me. One right after the other.

In the midst of all the confusion running around in my head not knowing what direction to take...Seeing those and listening as I hear God say "Just keep following me."

He showed me my path and the only way I need to go is on His path. He showed me the way. A reminder from a simple telephone pole to go His way.

Taking Him up on His offer I gave Him all my troubles today. I surrendered them quicker this time and I'm going to take my joy back. The thief isn't getting my happiness today.

How long will it take before I full grasp that I can fix nothing? I can't fix this. Not even a little.

A shadow on the road was all it took for me to remember I'm on the right path. Keep following God and things will work out. Stay and don't give up. This too shall pass.

Amen.

Happy Thursday.

Dianna

Light

Psalm 147:4

He determines the number of the stars and He calls them each by name.

Stars are amazing. These beautiful specks of light on a black sky that twinkle and show off their light to any who decide to look up.

When a star gets exhausted and dies......Well, it becomes a black hole.

Sometimes I fear my heart is like this. People come into my life and they shine so brightly, light up my life...Then as always...They go away. I have so many black holes in my heart, places where all the light that shined so brightly........gone.

Last night I was laying in bed thinking about some of these holes in my heart. I felt the tears coming down my face and just felt so empty inside.

I get even afraid that God will leave me. Maybe He will find out who I truly am. Maybe He will see what all these others did that left me and leave me too. Maybe He will find someone better than me and just hang on to me until He does.

I know it's promised that He won't ever leave me. I try to drill this truth in my head over and over, but I keep coming back to all the people who promised all these things and now left holes in my heart.

His promises aren't empty and without meaning.

His promises are true and real.

God isn't human. God isn't like those people. God's not a liar, He's not a user, He's not a cheater.....He's God.

Wishing that He would take those feelings away isn't helping. Obviously I have to learn to work through them and find and believe the truth in them. Faith. Faith. Faith.

God can fill all my black holes with light if I let Him. I don't and I can't by myself. As I was crying last night, I told Him again and again, I can NOT do this alone. I can't.

Feels like sometimes I do everything as a Christian wrong. Maybe that's the point, I'm supposed to do it all wrong. No one gets it right.

God won't leave me. He won't. I feel like one slip up and He will say "I'm out of here, this chick so isn't worth it." But He won't.

He won't.
He won't.
He won't.

That would be one black hole I couldn't fill.

Jesus totally is the light of this world. I wish I could've known Him and walked with Him. Wish I could've ran behind Him, just to touch his cloak.

John 8:12
12When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."

He is the total light in my life. How great He truly is.

How Great Thou Art

O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.


Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!


When through the woods, and forest glades I wander,
And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees.
When I look down, from lofty mountain grandeur
And see the brook, and feel the gentle breeze.


Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!


And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing;
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin.


Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!


When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,
And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"


Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!


Happy Saturday.

Love,

Me

A few pics =)

My sweet baby doggy =D His tumors are getting bigger. I wish they'd disappear.

My son left and his good friend Jessie. They are on the football team together. Jessie went all over God's great green earth with us this weekend.
The wall they climbed and I used to climb it when I was their age, so that's kinda cool =)

Happy Tuesday!

Love,

Dianna

Psalm 23:1 The LORD is my shepherd

Psalm 23:1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want

Today a rest period after 3 straight weeks of being gone. I literally most days was only at my house to sleep. I haven't had much of a chance to spend with God at all. We had our little exchanges in the car and I haven't missed church...But, church and I have been disconnected the past couple of weeks.

Bible study has become my God time where not only do we study the word, my aunt and I share everything and it's all God centered. It's so nice to have someone to talk to about that. I cherish that time every week.

After a long nap to day I woke up, came to the computer and watched a broadcast my aunt had told me was very good on blessings, then I went back to my room to have some one on one God time.

I had missed those days!! We talked about all kinds of things and I always ask God questions to find out more about Him. Some days it will be what's your favorite color, or where is your favorite place to visit on earth. Today it was "What's your favorite thing in my house?" Immediately he answers "you." It instantly brought me to tears and was just the sweetest thing I have heard in forever! So, after I cry I ask God, "What is your favorite material thing in my house?" He tells me to get up and go to my curio cabinet.

I open it up and I say "The angel up there?" "Yes" He says. I look at it and really had never paid any attention to it. It is an angel my aunt gave to me when she was moving. I turn it over and it said on the bottom "The Lords Prayer" So I wound it up and just listened to it. I have pics below of it. The angel had sheep on it's lap and by it's side and I said to God..."Why sheep?."



He led (As shepherds do =D ) me to my answers as he always does. "You are my sheep" He says. He tells me to go and read what a Shepherd does...So I followed and read.

John 10:5 hits home with me really well.

John 10:5 But they will never follow a stranger, in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice.

How true. I am learning so much about people, preachers,life and what is God and what is not God. I'm no expert on what God is, but I know quite a bit what He is not. Every day I am learning about His voice. His is sweet like no other and I do know it. The more time I spend with Him, the more I know the distinction.

The other thing that jumped out at me was Matthew 10:6
Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves.

I feel like I live in the wolf den! Me and my aunt were talking last night about things people do..Really,really mean spirited things. There is no understanding why people want to hurt one another. I told my aunt last night "I think there is a target on me that says use me." Men can spot my gentleness MILES and MILES away. Sometimes I go over and over in my head why they said a certain thing to me with only the intent to hurt me... Gonna start dating from the sheep pen not the wolf den!

Good thing the ultimate Shepherd laid down His life for me. That's what shepherds do. At night when all the shepherds are at the same spot and all their sheep mingle, in the morning they call out to the sheep and each one goes to the right master. The shepherd goes before the sheep. He encounters every wolf before they do and clears the path. I just look at all the enemies God has cleared out on my own path and think about how much worse it could've been. Thankfully...

The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not want;
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters;
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil;
for you are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life;
and I shall dwell in the house of the
Lord forever.

Psalm 23

That was my lesson on why Shepherds. I'm so glad to be His sheep!

=) I Love Him!

Love,

Me

My lil baby =)

Pride

Proverbs 16:18-19
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed than to share plunder with the proud.

Yes, I'm guilty of it. I have received countless emails, phone calls, texts about my blog and why it's closed. The only answer I can give to you is my pride.

People read this where I express my deepest feelings and then in turn, they use those feelings against me.

Some people are so arrogant that they think everything I write is about them and that couldn't be further from the truth. I know quite a few people. Not everything in this world is about you!

Over the past few weeks I have been a bit (a lot) depressed. It wasn't from circumstances in my life, it was from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I haven't written much about it here, it's quite embarrassing to have it.

Some things happened a few weeks ago and it sent me into flash back stage. It's not like people are shell shocked and run all over the place screaming.......I just go back emotionally to hard times in my life and actually get the same feelings I got when I was in those situations. This overwhelming sense of desperation...Sadness, guilt. I replay the incidents over and over and have no clue why I'm even thinking about them. Thinking about what I could've done differently. When I was hit, when someone was manipulating me, when someone was saying harsh things......... Ring tones can trigger them, someone saying something or doing something can trigger them........People can trigger them.

No one understands. If you have your arm missing or something and people can see it, they are sympathetic towards you. If you have disabilities mentally, something people can't see......People are very ignorant to that and lack empathy in that department. They view you as weak, when they are the ones who made you that way in the first place.

Let me tell you.......The feelings are very real and it's very hard to deal with. Especially when you don't know what's going on and why you feel like that.

When I was removing people from my life, they were people who triggered flash backs for me. People who used me or hurt me so severely even the slightest word from them could send me down into a deep depression.

So, to not give them ammunition anymore, I turned my blog off. I missed writing and I missed sharing things, but I had to get back on my feet emotionally before I could start to write again.

When I last wrote, I wrote about someone doing something pretty bad to me, disrespecting me in a big way. Hurting me. I will lower my pride once again and say....It sent me into the stinking flash back mode. Depressed, crying......Not knowing what was wrong with me.

Therapy, therapy, therapy to remind me, nothing is wrong with me. Only them. Therapy to help me understand I'm not crazy, I have suffered a lot of abuse. It happens.

I did a lot of praying to God and He revealed as always so much to me. I always come out smarter. I'm out of that mode, I'm back to normal and praising God for delivering me.

That is not a fun place to be on any level.

Just bear with me if I don't write much, it's tough when people use your feelings as weapons against you. So, I'm going to be really careful about what I put here.

On a side note, my life is going fantastic. Juan finally got the help he needed with the right therapists and the meds they have him on are amazing!! The appointments are far away and it's a lot of driving on my part, but I'd triple the days and the drives if the results are the same.

His football is going fantastic, his school work is fantastic.

A true miracle indeed and praise to God!!

Love,

Dianna

Better =)

Just stopping by to say I'm a lot better tonight =)

I left all my email loops (part of that pruning I speak of so often) and I know some come by here to check on me.

My spirits are much better. I had lunch today with a good friend and just being with another adult and talking helped immensely.

If you hadn't guessed, someone treated me with complete and total disrespect, used me for their own gain and to prove a point to someone else. It hurt.

I didn't see it coming, but then again, I never do.

I don't grasp meanness.

I wish I didn't have to grasp hurt so well. I don't wear it well and yet wear it so often.

God is teaching me through it and this last hurt saved me a lot of future trouble.

Blessing in disguise. I look to see someone has changed for the better, but find they have changed for the worse.

I asked for wisdom in the situation and received it. Praise be to God!

Nitey nite!

Love,

Me =)

Grace

Not sure if I will be pulling an all nighter. I refuse to go to bed til God gives me enough grace, peace.....anything to take away all this anger.

I get a lot of comments and private emails about my blog and my blog being truthful.

Sometimes I hate the truth.

You know the guilt one feels as a God loving Christian who wants to scratch someones eyes out? You know the guilt I feel as a Christian who just wants to take my hands and punch them through walls because I am so sick and tired of people who claim to be men?

The the guilt of with God I'm supposed to be walking in love.... I'm not doing that when I'm so angry. Love right now is far from me, which means I am separated from God whom I need most right now.

Do you know how sick I am of being used by people? Do you know how tired I am of accepting ALL the responsibilities that people refuse? Do you know how much my heart hurts because people continually take things from me and rip it out?

Oh, but I'm a good person..... So that gives all these people every right to come in and take what they want from me.

I'm angry. That anger burns me so much tonight I don't know whether I want to cry, hit something or run. I know I need to be praying, but I'm just entirely too pissed off to even think about going before God.

That's probably the time I should, but what will He say? Wait on me.....I just get so sick and tired of waiting. That's all I ever hear.

Am I hearing Him wrong?

Where's the line between being a doormat Christian or just waiting on the Lord to take care of these people.

Maybe it's a lesson I'm not learning?

Am I failing at being a Christian because this keeps happening?

Then I have to remember the Gospel and know that Jesus died for the very sins I am commiting every 5 seconds tonight.

What am I doing? Always waiting?

Waiting is so hard and am I even supposed to be waiting?

I don't understand.

How much of this is my fault?

I just don't understand so much tonight and I'm just mad.

Quit taking things from me! Sometimes I just feel like a car and at one time I was nice, had all my wheels......fresh paint....

Throw in some men and I'm a stripped vehicle no wheels, paints chipped and rusted, gutted out for parts. Nothing good left and yet people just come along to take what ever is left.

Just put me in the junkyard.

Funny thing is....... Since were using the car analogy...... I built them up, even took from my own car to put on theirs.

Not one single man EVER in my life has been honest and really cared about me or my kids. I think I attract narcissists... What can I take from her? She's of no value to me, lets use her as a bench warmer and keep her around for awhile, then after I use her and need her no more she can go...

Yea, I'm not stupid to see that I've been used every time for what ever reason.

No, I haven't went on a date recently and it's gone bad. I wouldn't even consider dating at this point because every single man who has been in my life has sucked me dry. Have I done things wrong? Oh, you bet. Did I use them, take, take, take from them, lie to them to lead them on? No, never.

Leading someone on for your own benefit is about as low as it can get.

You say that's not the case. Oh, it is the case. A spades a spade.

Never make promises to someone that you have no intentions of keeping. It's sick. What joy do you get from that? What joy comes from leading someone on?

I can't think like that, because I'm not like that.

You are only as good as your word. Good thing I know now how many words were just junk. Lies. Lies. Lies.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I have done things in all my relationships that I'm not proud of.....But I've never used anyone.

Sitting in my pit I ask......

How much more God? How much? What the heck am I doing wrong now?

How much more waiting? What the heck am I waiting for anyways? Why do these people do these things to me and why do me and my kids suffer for it? They are doing stuff wrong, why do I get the crap out of it?

God...........I don't understand. Not any.

That's truth.

To top all this stress off, my dog has developed three more tumors.

I got him when I moved out of the women's shelter. He is the absolute love of my life. I'm scared and I'm sad.

Did I mention I'm angry?????

Frick. Night.

Pray for me please. Pray all these spineless men without a backbone just leave me alone. Funny, I can leave ALL of them alone, but none can me. I have nothing left fellas, you stripped me, lied to me and left me for the junk yard. Don't want anymore dog and pony shows. Try truth on. It's not always easy to wear, but it makes you a real man.

Just go away. Please.

Just Me =)

=)

Last night I was on my way to bible study and Savannah fell asleep in the back seat. I just broke down and cried out of pure exhaustion.

Juan had weekly contacts. You wear a pair and after a week throw them away. His dad had taken his glasses the one time he met him and wouldn't mail them back to us. He had been wearing the same pair of weekly contacts in for 6 mos. His eyes yesterday were bothering him so bad.

We were in the garage and I was debating calling his dad and asking him to pay for Juan's contacts. He is under obligation to pay 1/2 of all his medical bills, but has never, ever done so. The child support increase has been tied up in courts for 2 years. Forget the fact that I never in 16 years have had an increase. He doesn't pay me near what he should to help raise a child with special needs.

My mom said to just go on and call him, it can't hurt and we might get lucky. So, I texted him and ask him and he texts back "Flat broke, sorry." I expected nothing else, so I text him back and say "I'll figure it out, I always do" So then he texts back "I'll borrow the money from somewhere." I'm like okay and text him back, "okay" So, he knows the appointment is this morning.

I knew he wasn't going to deliver so we went and cashed in 2 of Juan's college bonds for 100 bucks to cover the exam. The contact special was $99.95........

We were sitting in the waiting room and just talking. We are out of everything til Friday and the pickins are slim on food. Juan said "text my dad and see if he will pay at least 20 so we can get some food." I told Juan "You know that's a long shot." Juan says "Well, he did say yesterday he was going to borrow some money to help."

Sigh, how do you tell your child his father is a douche bag. So, to appease him I text his dad and say "Can you please just help out with 20 of it?" Of course he ignored me. Juan kept waiting for him to text back, but ........ I knew better.

I guess there's always that faint spark of hope that maybe your dad who's rejected you for 16 years will one day just magically want to help you and do stuff for you.

In the real world that's not how things work. My heart ached watching him sit there waiting for the phone.

The lady calls us back and she says "So, you are getting the contact special today right for $99.95", I tell her yes and then wonder how on earth I'm going to come up with the tax. I start thinking, I know I have change in my purse, we will get it.

I ask the lady about the $20.00 eye exam special going on ( gotta have hope right?) and she says "That's for glasses only, contact special is $99.95." I say "No problem, we are still going to get it."

I sit there patiently waiting as she takes him out to check the fit of them and everything. She is ringing up my bill and looks at me smiling and says "Hon your total is $78.70." I'm like "huh?" she said, "I took some stuff off."

It left me with exactly $20.00. Juan picked it up and laughed and said "You got your $20.00 dollars!"

His father ignored me however OUR father did not.

Heard me loud and clear and gave me $20.00.

Was exactly enough to get everything I need to make it til Friday.

I have the best Father in the whole entire world.

I cried and cried.

I love Him.

Love,

Dianna

1987

I have been going through old papers and such my dad gave me and I came across this one from a psychologist my mom had taken me to in 1987....I didn't know it then, but it was when I had my first panic attack.

I had to laugh because I went to see my therapist on Friday and we talked about me being a people pleaser. I loathe that about myself..... Here is what it says in the 2nd paragraph if you can't read it...

Dianna seems to be rather happy, well-adjusted young lady who finds it difficult to disappoint others or not be in their good favor. This is not necessarily atypical given her age. Relationships with family members and friends all seem to be allright although I'm sure that, at times, these relationships are not perfect. These may be the times of most stress for Dianna.

I remember the visit to that Dr. It was my freshman year at Mercy Academy...My step dad had been hitting on me (sexually) for a couple of years. I would have nightmares and basically had no place to go. At my dads my step mom mentally abused me and treated their dog better and at my moms my step dad..... ugh.

He told me he used to peek at the keyholes at me to watch me take a bath when I was younger. 20 or more years later I still keep the doors covered and put a towel along the bottom. A defense mechanism that never left me. I wonder how often he watched me and wonder what kind of thrill it was watching an 11 year old girl just take a bath.

He told me he used to watch me undress, asked me if he could touch me and used to tell me to ask my friends if he could touch them too. He used to brush against me all the time, watch me all the time.

I was a kid..... Funny the letter goes on to say....

Nevertheless, the overall picture is quite healthy. Should there be another episode where Dianna feels that something "strange" is happening to her it may be beneficial to have her blood pressure checked to insure that what she is experiencing is not a physiological change. Her regular doctor can do this. The only reason for my making this suggestion is in view of the fact of her past history of high blood pressure during stressful times.

The lady should've came over to either house for a visit sometime and she would've seen why as a child I had high blood pressure. A psycho lady who thrived on humiliating the crap out of me or a psycho pot head child molester.....High blood pressure? Go figure.

Anyways I had to chuckle at that. The more things change, the more things stay the same. I didn't have a chance as a child. Not even a little bit.

Thank goodness God found me.

My knight in shining armor =)

Happy Saturday.

Love,

Dianna

=) I love Him!!

I came through my trial and this time I handled it with grace =) YAY!!!

I can't say there weren't any tears, because there were lots, but God pulled me through.

Over and over I kept telling myself that there was nothing I could do about any of this, this was too big for me.

I didn't get angry like I would have in the past, I was sad, but not angry. I kept my head up, reminded myself every 5 minutes if I had to, that God has this in His hand. He will fix it. He promises too and He will.

He did =) He is truth. =D

I love Him so much. In this life I'm not sure about a whole lot, but I am ever so certain how much I love Him.

Lately I have been so excited because I know my break through is coming!! It's like Christmas every day or a surprise around the corner. I know it's coming.

He promised it would =) I love not knowing what I'm waiting for, but I KNOW it's coming. I feel it in my heart.

Today peace overwhelmed me. My house is spotless, everything is in order. I sat at my kitchen table and the inside of my body just felt clean. I know that doesn't sound like it makes any sense, but I'm guessing that was God's peace on me. I still feel it now, that breathe in and your heart gets all flip floppy. That's me falling deeper in love with the one who made me.

Tears well up in my eyes right now at the thought of how much I love Him. He is just so amazing and He takes such good care of me. Every promise He has made to me, He has kept. I have to learn to stop trying to control my own life because I can't. Nothing I do will make any difference in it. He has made my paths and I just walk on going where He takes me.

That doesn't mean I sit and do nothing all day, that just means He opens the doors and that feeling of peace washes over me and I know I'm in the right direction. The Holy Spirit tells me which way to go.

When I walked into the home last week, my heart overflowed telling me "Yes, this is right."

God pruned me. Everything of my old life is almost gone. I do mean everything aside from my family is gone. Video games gone, TV gone, for the most part my phone is gone, people who did me more harm than good gone.......There was nothing left but an empty slate for my maker to mold me on. I wasn't sad, because my old life wasn't any good any way. None of it and God knew what needed to go. Thirty eight years of junk needed to be removed and He did it. I don't regret anything He pruned from me for any second.

Was like an episode of Hoarders, where I was holding on to all this stuff that had no meaning and no value......God was my personal organizer and came in and got rid of all the junk! =) Amen!

I get a new life in Christ. I'd give it all up again and again and again.

He's doing it for my good. He's molding me for the better. I couldn't be happier and couldn't be more in love with Him.

Colossians 3:1 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.

Keep focusing my eyes on God and my life will fall into place.

Matthew 6:33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

I didn't understand this at first, but now I do. The more of God I get, the more of God I want.

People can't understand unless they have been there. God has blinders on people and for some reason He chose to take mine off. It's not something anyone can explain. It really is like being blind and then seeing. I remember the EXACT moment mine were taken off. Gives me cold chills just thinking about it.

I thank God for taking mine off and choosing me to have a life with Him.

I can't wait to see what roles He has for me to fulfill, I can't wait to do what He asks me to do, I can't wait to see more people get saved and listen to them tell of the moment God took their blinders off.

It was literally like being born again and spiritually it was, for at that moment everything was shed in a whole new light. It's unexplainable.

If you have blinders on, pray God removes them. You will know when He does. You change and you can't go back to what you were, nor do you want too.

I gotta head to bed, but had to share my trial for now is over and I came through it unscathed thanks to my Father.

I absolutely, totally love Him. I love, LOVE, LOVE Him.

Nite.

Dianna

God Indeed

God indeed saved the day. He sent wonderful family members to help answer some prayers =D

It really does take a village to raise a child and I love the village I live in.

Thanks to God, Praises to God and a HUGE thank you to everyone who helped this week.

Big party in 2012 =D

Sometimes

Sometimes I just want to be loved too.

Sometimes I wonder if a day will come when I won't cry anymore. I know it won't til I get to be in heaven with God.

Sometimes I wonder if a week will pass and I won't have to cry anymore. That may be a real possibility.

Sometimes I wonder why a man hasn't walked into my life who hasn't hurt me in some way.

Sometimes I wonder if one won't hurt me the way the others have. I know when I get to heaven God won't.

Sometimes I wonder if the words people have said to me about me being worthless or the size of my butt will leave me.

Sometimes they echo and I try to base my worth on what God says, not what they said. God sees my heart and in his sight I'm perfect.

Sometimes I wonder if that's all people see of me, the size of my butt, the fact that I'm not highly educated, the fact that I have been quite beaten down and still am.

Sometimes I remember that God is my protector and that it's written Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: Romans 12:19 "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.

Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that and not take God's work into my hands.

Sometimes it's hard to remember that God has forgiven me, so I need to forgive.

Sometimes I want to stay in bed all day because I'm tired of being a punching bag to those who have no one better to pick on.

Sometimes I have to sit in the bathroom in front of the mirror and look at my eyes and say "you are beautiful." I am because God says I am.

Sometimes I get tired of doing stuff for people who just use me horribly. Some days I just want to tell them to piss off, but then I have to remember that God sent His only son, so us horrible human beings can have eternal life with God.

Sometimes like now when I have been crying probably 7 hours out of 24 I have to keep focused that God is using all this for good. Satan is pressing hard and I just have to keep my eyes fixed on God.

Sometimes I picture God as a light house and I'm out on this crazy sea. Storm after storm keeps coming, but I know God has me in His hands.

Sometimes I wonder if the hole I have in my heart will ever be filled, but then God sends peace to overwhelm me to fill it. I wish I could have His peace all the time, because it hurts so bad.

Sometimes I wonder why God loves me. Sometimes I even doubt that He does, but it is written that He does.

Sometimes I have to remind myself over and over like twice in this posting that God doesn't care what the size of my butt is, He doesn't care how big my bank account is, He doesn't care if I didn't do the dishes or if I forgot to clean something.

Sometimes I have to remember that God has had His hand on me since I was a small child, guiding me to where I am now.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that these trials are character builders. They are tough and they are painful, but victory is close at hand.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that His eye never leaves me. I'm perfect in His sight.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that while all the other men and I do mean every single one that has come into my life has treated me horribly........God is not them. God isn't mean. God isn't hurtful. God doesn't like when people do those things. God loves me for who I am and He made me this way.

Sometimes I just want to lay down and die because I'm tired. I just have to hang on and remember that God won't let anything happen to me that Him and I can't handle together.

Sometimes I have to remember that right now I am in His loving arms and He is carrying me, for I am too weak to hold my head up.

Sometimes I have to remember that He is all the strength I need.

Sometimes I feel like giving up, but God will not let me.

Sometimes I have to remember and tell myself that I am more than what I have been told I am.

Sometimes I have to remember that this trial will end.

Sometimes I have to remind myself Ephesians 4:26 In your anger do not sin........I have to remind myself of this over and over and over.........Breathe and relax and not say anything.

Sometimes I have to remember Proverbs 13:3 He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin. In my Christian walk this has been the hardest.

Sometimes on days like today where it seems like 24 hours have been 48, I have to go to sleep because my eyes hurt from crying.

God is bigger than, the air we breathe, the world we'll leave! My glorious!

=)

A few know what has been going on, so I'll share with you guys too!!

To make a long story short, I have had trouble with anxiety and panic attacks over the years. Most of the anxiety stems from PTSD. I was physically abused by my ex-husband, it never went over to my children.

So.....I had gone to work one day and came home and my sons face was black and blue. While I was away at work, my (ex)husband had taken a telephone and beat the heck out of my then 5 year old son. From that point on I wasn't able to go into work without having severe anxiety attacks. I would feel like I couldn't breathe, I would get light headed, my knees would feel weak. I was always worried about my children being at home.

With Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, working for me was one of the triggers. Being away from the kids and the traumatic event that took place while I was away...well, I couldn't do it. Me being hit was one thing, but my kids totally different level.

So....I have the most wonderful therapist in the world!! He used to be a priest and worked at a Catholic Care facility here in Louisville. He left priesthood and became a therapist....Prayers led me to him!

He contacted the lady who runs the place and to do some cognitive therapy, I start voluteering there all week!! This has potential to turn into a long term job. I am so excited and so happy.

Funny, everyone thought my happiness was based on a new man in my life!! That couldn't be further from the truth!!

I went in today and did my paperwork and got a tour. You just ever walk in a place and know that's where you are supposed to be? My heart was overflowing with so much joy. The residents there were so sweet. I stopped and talked to a lady while Cindy was getting her a blanket and she kissed my hand and thanked me for talking to her. She told me she loved me.

So many people I met today. I have to wait a couple days til my background check comes back and then I can start =). Did I mention I'm excited? God is sooooooooo good!!

This is a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE deal for me. Please send me lots of prayers that I can do this without worrying about home. My kids are grown up. When Savannahs not with me, she's in excellent hands.

I want this so bad and this is such a huge step for me. I could cry I'm so happy.

I can't wait to keep you guys updated.

=D

Happy Tuesday!!

Love,

Dianna

Hooooray!!!!!!!!

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Did I say I can't stop smiling? My life is about to turn in a HUGE way and I'm sooooo excited!!!

Did I tell you I'm excited? Good things are coming my way!!

I'll tell more about it very soon, but YAY!!!! Changes are coming!!

YAY, YAY, YAY!!!!

Love,

Dianna

This is worthy of a repeat this morning =D

Luke 6:45

The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.

=)

Luke 6:45

The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.


I can't quit smiling. Not on any level. Even if I tried, I cannot stop. I am so thankful to God above that my time in the pit (for now) is over. He is so faithful and I love Him so incredibly much.

I have good in my heart, the Holy Spirit has filled me up with this indescribable joy and it is overflowing out of me.

Nothing has changed since I last wrote, the only thing that has changed is my attitude! I'm so thankful for God. I'm so thankful that He is working everything together for my good.

I love Him.
I love Him.
I LOVE Him.

So worthy of so much praise. I wanted to fall in love and I did =)

I love Him!!!!

I'm so thankful for everything He has put in my life. I'm thankful for the trials He brings me, so I can grow into the woman He wants me to be. I'm thankful He shapes my character through those trials. It's awful being down in that slump, but I have to remember why I'm there. I'm nothing without Him and everything with Him. I know I'm going to be in a pit again soon, but enjoying my time out and Praising God for the work He did when I was down in it!!!

Song over there -----> says it all. I have nothing, I have nothing without you. I am nothing, I am nothing.... without you!

I LOVE HIM!!! YAY!!!!!

Happy Tuesday!

Love,

Dianna

I Love HIM!!! =)

Remember That Post A Couple Days Ago About Gods Love?

Remember how He said He would show me His love? Remember how I said "How would I know what it would look like?"

=) Well, let me tell you a story!!

Today I was having a blah day. The past few days have been a struggle and as I mentioned earlier, I haven't been hearing much of anything from God. It's been a real test of faith. When I can hear Him, it's easy to believe...But, when He goes silent, it's harder to believe.

I said a prayer today before I took my nap, it went something like keep me hanging on, I have faith you are going to lift all this off of me. I just know it's going to work out, hear you or not......I know you are there.

I wake up from my nap and feel a ton better. =) So.......My son calls from football practice and says he is ready to be picked up. I gather all my stuff up and head out the door.

I see this beautiful butterfly swirling all around me. I absolutely LOVE butterflies and talk to God a lot about them. I can rarely catch them on my camera and if I do, it's never a good shot because they fly off way too quickly.

Since it's so close I get my cell phone out and try to catch a pic. He lets me take his picture and I'm thinking "Rats, I wish I had my good camera out!"



I stop and admire him some more and softly say "God, can I hold him?" God speaks loud and clear and says "Go and get your camera, I know how you are!" So I run to my car put my stuff in there. Fumble with my keys trying to hurry. I get a little worried because when my camera goes from cold to hot it gets all foggy and I was just trying to hurry.

I get back out there, sit on the ground and the butterfly comes right over to me =) I put my hand out and there he came.

I have never ever held, nor touched a butterfly. I was soooo excited. My camera didn't fog up, the beauty stayed on my finger for at least 2 minutes. I, of course, got pics of him.



I cried and cried and cried. God told me to wait and He would show me how much He loves me. He knew how much the butterflies meant to me. He knew how much taking pics of the butterflies meant to me. HE loved me enough to wait for me to go and get my camera. He loved me so much that He for the first time ever, let me hold this magnificent creature.

I cried all the way to pick up Juan. He indeed showed me how much I was loved. Who loves me enough to bring me a butterfly and perch him upon my finger just so I can appreciate the beauty of him!

God is so magnificent. Worthy of so much praise!!! Oh how I love Him.

He loves me too =)



Happy Tuesday! I haven't stopped smiling all afternoon!

Love,

Dianna

Yesterday

Church was so fantastic. If you have Itunes and wanna listen, it's free. 8/29 =) Absolutely fantastic =)

Sojourn

Daniel did a fantastic job =)

Happy Monday!

My Conversation With God This Morning. Oh, How I Missed Him!

Well Melzie and I were on a no negativity campaign......Yesterday for awhile hers went to hell in a hand basket and I followed her right on down.

I have no idea what happened. None. I'm lost again. Last night I laid in my bed, typical for my downward spirals and got angry at God. Why? Who knows. I will admit I wasn't very nice......He tried to talk to me and sadly I went something like this."You ask me to do this stuff and then I don't hear from you and now I'm down, down, down and you want to talk?" then I followed it with a "Just leave me alone."

Talk about feeling awful for saying those things. Those feelings just amplified what a piece of crap I am, sending me even further down. I cried myself to sleep (suprise) and woke up.

Tried to be positive but couldn't. I couldn't wait to get the kids dropped off at school and out of the car so I could just cry.

I was on a real pity potty today. No shame in admitting it, we all get on them. I'm lonely. I'm sad. I'm frustrated and I just want to be loved.

I get back in the car and God loud and clear (It's been weeks since I have heard Him like that) "Lay it on me" I of course say "I don't feel like talking about it." and God sweetly says "Come on, tell me."

So.........I burst out into this sobbing......Telling Him how He asks me to do these things and I fail repeatedly. Fail over and over and over. I need His grace every 15 seconds because I am epically failing at everything. I told Him I do all this stuff because I just want to be loved. He sweetly says "You are." I say to Him, "How can you possibly love me? I'm a mess......I do everything wrong, I screw up every 15 seconds, I say the wrong things, I do the wrong things......I can't understand why you would love someone such a mess."

Sweetly He says "I love you because you are a mess." "Huh?" I say????? I go on to tell Him that I can't understand by human standards of loving someone because they are a mess. Ah...."unconditional love."

Sadly I do not understand the concept of love. When I think I have it, I do not. I honestly don't understand what it is. I tell this to God.... "God, I don't understand this love you want to give me, how am I supposed to even know you are giving it to me if I don't know what it is?"

He says "Wait on me." Then I tell Him "That is like you telling me you are going to send me this really rare insect from Indonesia and insects are all around me in every form........How is it possible that I would even know what it would look like because I don't know? If one comes up I had never seen .....Is that it? No, because now here comes another one I have never seen. How do I know? What does it look like?"

It's pretty pathetic that one can't know what true, real, unconditional love is.

So, I say again to Him "How? I don't understand?" He says to me "You don't need to understand, you can't understand."

So, I say "So basically I'm just waiting for something that I don't know what it is to just come my way."

"Yes" He says. "Be still and know that I am."

Again, "God, I don't understand what you are asking me to do, what do I do next?" He says "You go home, you go to your appointment and every minute you will do something different."

"Huh?" I say again. "Take my hand and just follow where I take you" He says.

"Well, what if I go somewhere wrong?" I say..........."You can't go wrong if you have taken my hand. I won't let you fall any further than I can catch you. My hand is out and I will catch you, so just walk with me."

I go silent because I just don't get it. How does one just not do anything and just sit and wait?

I guess I'll take it minute by minute and keep calling out for His grace as I need it. The past few days I have needed it quite often.

I will say that when I came inside I have a peace washed over me that can only be God.

Amazing......."He loves me because I'm a mess."

I love Him too. I just can't understand His love of someone like me. /Shrug.

Okay Melzie.....I'm ready to dust myself off and get back on my Positive Polly horse. Trading Negative Nelly in.

I love you God. I'm sorry for being such a brat.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Your Messy Dianna

LOVE this song so very much =)

Majesty (Here I am) by Delirious

It's playing when you come to the page =) It's my favorite!

Here I am humbled by your Majesty
Covered by your grace so free
Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man
Covered by the blood of the Lamb

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in your hands
Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty

Here I am humbled by the love that you give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand, knowing that I'm your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Is It Friday Yet?

The past couple of weeks have been doozies!

As I wrote last week, it's been a time filled with anxiety, sadness, crying, confusion...... I think there wasn't much left out of the potpouri of feelings.

We had death anniversary's, birthdays, parting of ways, son leaving off to college, sickness, exhaustion, changes all around, school starting. Sheesh.

My life got so rocky for a couple of weeks and I won't hesistate to say it is still a bit rocky now.

In the middle of an emotional tornado, not only does God decide to prune me of something quite huge, He goes silent.

Oh boy let me tell you what. I am 6 months into being a Christian and He really put me to the test the past couple of weeks.

I had an issue that I had been on the fence about for awhile, never dealt with so to speak......God says "Okay, it's time to get rid of it." I'm like "Huh?" So, again He says so sweetly "You wanna be in the desert 40 years or you wanna cross over?"

I got to thinking about this and I tell Him, "I wanna cross over, but you are asking me to do something that's impossible"....God then goes on to say "Without me......it's impossible, BUT, I would never ask you to do something that I wouldn't give you the strength and courage to do."

I reluctantly agree and then God goes pretty much silent. Day one comes and I'm back tracking like crazy, thinking maybe that was just me talking and not really God.......I ask God to give me confirmation if it was really Him.

I wait patiently, then I wait not so patiently. My life at this point takes a turn for the worse. If it could happen and it was bad it did. Everything going wrong, God is quiet.......I must've chosen wrong. It must not of been God.

I lay crying in my bed and ask God again "Am I doing what you ask?" He says "You are. You can't see what I see, you can't think what I think, you can't know what I know" So, I ask again "Will you please send confirmation that I am doing what is right."

Another day passes, everything and I do mean everything is going wrong. I at this point want to smack Murphy and his law.......What I am giving up it doesn't feel right. It feels wrong, I don't like it.....None of it feels right. God is still quiet, very, very quiet. I at times just have to ask "Are you here?" "I am" as He always says, but nothing else.

So.........Then after everything has gone wrong, I feel like my life is falling apart I run crying to God again.........."God this can't be right." and I go on to say "I haven't seen this in the bible anywhere etc".... He replies "When did you become such an expert on my word?" I shut up quickly, asked again for conformation and then asked Him to please have mercy on me. I told Him that I was being obedient and how very hard it was for me and told him all I'm asking for is for some confirmation....

At that moment I got it. A TV show was on......Talked about the Israelites and how it took them 40 years to make an 11 day trip. Then she went on to say "When you are giving up something from the flesh, it never feels good. When you are giving up something for the spirit, your flesh will ache. That is HOW you know it is right."

I cried at that moment and then thanked God profusely.

I would like to say after that everything turned around and my life was all happy, happy, joy, joy........But it's not.

I had the worst birthday I have ever had in my entire life. The absolute worst. I have had stress after stress. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm still confused.

I had a moment again yesterday where I asked God if I am still doing the right thing and he sweetly said "You are and I'm not going to change my mind."

He wouldn't ask me to do something unless it was for my own benefit. I have to keep telling myself this over and over.

It's hard to be obedient. It's hard to give things up. I have been pruned so much this year and had so many changes. It's proof there is a God because on my own....I am not strong enough to give these things up. If you know me, you know this is the truth.

With God ALL things really are possible. No matter how they may look to you.

At times this strength overwhelms me and the tears leave me and I wonder....What happened? It's God.

I get upset at myself and can't believe I keep questioning if it's the right thing to do and it's hard to remember that God isn't human. He doesn't think like humans and He said it best to me "His ways are not my ways."

Isaiah 55:8-9 (New International Version)

8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.


I'm fighting Him so much on something that is for my own best interest. I'm tired of wandering in the desert. I'm ready to cross over, even if that means I have to prune 20 more things or people out of my life.

Keep me in your prayers and pray that God gets vocal for me soon. I miss Him. I take for granted the times I can hear Him so freely. I guess if I were able to hear Him every day so freely I wouldn't appreciate Him as much. I miss Him.

Happy Tuesday!

Love,

Dianna

Love Is........

Feeling a TON better =)! I have been working on a project for my bedroom. I love this little cross my aunt gave me and it's my favorite bible verse. I am trying to make one for every season, I played around with summer yesterday...Gonna mess around with it more later to see if I can depict summer better. Anyways just sharing w/ you guys!! Have a fantastic weekend!

Love,
Dianna

Hurt

I'm not sure what happened this weekend. It felt like every ground I had gained, every step of progress I had made came tumbling down so quickly around me........I still don't even know what happened.

My heart hurt miserably. I cried myself to sleep almost every night at points, the sobbing was uncontrollable..........Why?

Because I never healed. I had so much hurt to recover from.......What happened to Savannah, dealing with having to share Savannah, getting divorced, losing my house, losing my car........losing almost everything I knew and then losing WoW, my friends and Elmer too......

What did I do? I ran around and kept myself busy for hours, upon hours, upon hours. Not dealing with the pain but masking it with activity. I wouldn't stay home, I was afraid to stay home. If I was home and it was quiet then I would have to think about how bad my heart hurts.

I have ran all my life from everything. I think God brought the pneumonia into my life as a big wake up call saying "Hey, you........stop." I looked in the mirror the other night and I was just exhausted. I tried to say "God loves you" over and over in my head, but I just couldn't feel it.

Seems my whole life all I have wanted is to have someone who really loved me. Loved me for exactly who I was. Didn't think I was stupid, didn't think I was ugly, didn't want to hit me for whatever I did. Just wanted someone to love me.

God gives me this incredible gift of His love and I have no clue how to just let Him love me.

I don't understand the concept and it's extremely frustrating.

He gave me the realization that I can't accept His love until I heal. I have to heal the hurts that somewhere deep in my roots made me feel unworthy of love. What a big job He has.

This weekend I purposely quit running. I stayed home and let myself just feel. I felt everything. I opened up my heart and let all this hurt come in.

I can't keep running. I can't keep re-opening hurts. I have to heal. For once I have to put me first and let all of what happened in.

My instincts to run....Strong, but God took away my running shoes and replaced them with heavy bricks.

"Stay where you are child" He says. "Quit running."

"How?" I say...."Wait on me" He says.

I hope and pray for my sake He heals me quickly. My heart feels like it has a knife in it and it's actual, physical pain.

Sometimes it hurts to even breathe in. I want my running shoes back, I don't want to feel this.

Pray for me. It hurts.

The good side is that if it has to hurt at least it hurts with God. No better hands to be in than the one who made me. The author of my book will heal me in His time and finish writing my story.

Oh how I love Him.

Going to go crawl into bed and cry and leave my heart to God to sew up gently and repair all the holes.

His Love is the best of band-aids...

I just hope and pray for quickness......But learning more about God I learn the slower things are done, the better.

He brought me to it, He WILL get me through it. My faith doesn't lack there or else I wouldn't of stopped. I'm ready for it to be finished.

Isaiah 61:1

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,

Father, thank you for sending your son to do so much for us. My heart needs so much binding, I hope heaven has enough thread. I'm tired Father, I'm tired of crying myself to sleep, I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of wandering around this earth not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing.

Please help me choose the right roads and please help me to remember that if I choose the wrong road Your grace is upon me. Quickly lead me back to Your road if I should stray.

My head is swirling in confusion. You are the author of peace, please help me find it.

I'll meet you in my garden soon Father. Thank You for walking with me and talking with me. Thank you for being so patient with me and for loving me so much. Thank you for today. Thank you for opening my flowers after my nap. I wasn't expecting that. =D The things you do for me.

I love You so much Papa. So very, very much. Please open my heart and heal me that I can accept all the love You have for me.

Watch over me and my family as we sleep and please be with my friends as they have asked for much needed prayers.

Again, I love You.

Nite, nite.

Dianna

Changes

This week has been rough by so many standards. I have had overwhelming sadness at points, confusion, stress, anxiety.

Late last night I finally broke down and just cried. I'm tired.

I have changed and it's not only hard for others, it's hard for me. I wrote some blog entries earlier this week and I will honestly admit, I got to thinking........."People are going to think I'm absolutely crazy."

I worry about this all the time. I try to talk to people about God and write about God to others, but coming from who I was, I'm not sure they know what to think. I get embarrassed because it's not me, or at least it wasn't me. Then I feel overwhelming guilt for getting embarrassed.

I was an angry, bitter person. I was grumpy all the time, addicted to video games, gossiped, swore like a sailor. A weak, wimpy, abused doormat.

I played Worlds of Warcraft all the time. My life revolved around it. Me and my boyfriend (in game....long complicated story) broke up and I decided to take Lent and just give it up for 40 days. I loved that game. I was someone in there, I wasn't in real life. Powerful, successful, well liked. I had friends there and I had this guy I thought loved me there. The whole thing.........All of it, was just a huge joke. None of it was real. It was a fake, pathetic excuse for a life. It wasn't real.

When I gave it up, I intended to go back. I planned this and that for when I went back, I couldn't wait for Lent to be over so I could! I had withdrawals from the game. I had headaches, got irritable and was shaky at times.

As Lent went on things started happening that I didn't understand. Where desires were to go back to this game I loved, the desire came to draw closer to the God I was falling in love with. Every day that went by, took with it the desire of wanting to play the game. Each day I prayed and got more involved with God, God went higher than that need for anything else. I could not have made that change myself. I don't even know what happened. I only know it did.

I couldn't curse anymore. The F word was my best friend. I couldn't say it anymore. No curse words. We went out somewhere, I can't remember where and I heard this girl cursing like you would not believe. I thought oh my gosh....That is how that sounds? It sounded awful and all I could think about is how a few weeks before I sounded just like that. I heard people say how awful it sounded, but God had to show me Himself how awful it was.

Little by little I am changing. Every day, slowly, I change. I really feel sometimes like I don't fit in anywhere because I'm not who I once was. I'm not even sure what people think. Are they saying I'm nuts? I got the religion? I think about these things and actually I cry a lot over them.

I try and I'll stress TRY here to go back to the way I was...Not the video games, but maybe I'll say something or do something...........get really angry over something just unbelievably stupid..........Whatever the instance.....My old clothes don't fit anymore. It doesn't work. Who I pretended to be back then, is not who I am.

I didn't choose this life for myself. It's not like I got out of bed when I was at my lowest point and said "Okay, nothing works I'll guess I'll become a Christian THEY HAVE TO LIKE ME."

Doesn't work that way. God chose me. For whatever reason, He chose me.

1 Corinthians 1:26-31

26 Consider your own call, brothers and sisters:* not many of you were wise by human standards,* not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. 27But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; 28God chose what is low and despised in the world, things that are not, to reduce to nothing things that are, 29so that no one* might boast in the presence of God. 30He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification and redemption, 31in order that, as it is written, ‘Let the one who boasts, boast in* the Lord.’

He chose me as this weak, awful, angry, stupid girl. I couldn't go back to my old life if I tried. He grabbed a hold of me and He is not letting me go.

I feel so guilty (and I should) because I get embarrassed at times over my blog entries or because I mention God. I shouldn't feel that way.

So, I am going to work hard at only caring what God thinks. I don't care if you talk behind my back, I don't care if you make fun of me, I don't care if you can't accept me the way I am.

Am I going to slip up? You bet I am. That's where the gospel comes into play. Watch for me to slip up all you want. Will I ever go back to the way I was? You can guarantee I won't because God isn't letting me go there.

He chose me, He is changing me for the GOOD which is something no person could do. You can't put your trust or faith in people because they will let you down everytime.

I'm not going to be embarrassed anymore because I love God, if you don't like my blog entries, then choose not to read. If you don't want my emails where I mention God, delete them all..... HE is my life. If you have a problem with how I am now and how I have gotten "weird" take it up with my Father. There's no charge to call Him, no number to memorize to text Him. Take it up with Him and ask Him why I'm different. Ask Him to change you and watch what happens.

I'm tired of people pleasing. I'm tired of maintaining friendships with people that exhaust me and really don't care about me to begin with.

I pray that God can show me quickly how to stop caring what others think. Accept me as I am or leave me alone.

I love Him and that is one thing that won't change.

In a world where people disappoint me hourly, daily, monthly.....He never does. In a world where people lie over and over and over and over............You can't believe anything that comes out of their mouth.......God is truth.

I sleep with my bible at night. Tucked safety in my arms...........Why? Because everything around me changes, people around me hurt me. A lot of the times intentionally when I don't deserve it. I'm surrounded by lies and liars. Nothing changes in the bible. It's the one thing in my life I can count on. It's the truth and instead of caring what people think about me, I'm going to keep turning to that.

Maybe it's not wanting me to change back that you are afraid of, maybe you are afraid of what God is going to make me.

Look out.

I for one can't wait to see the places He takes me and it is written that He will.

Love,

Dianna

You Know

That old saying holds so much truth "When you play with fire you are going to get burned."

How many times does it take? How many times to do you have burn yourself before you realize that the fire isn't going to change, it's always going to burn.

Fire isn't capable of changing, it is what it is.

It's job is to burn things. It knows nothing else.

Same with people, they will never be anything else than what they are.

Lesson learned for GOOD this time.

It is what it is. They are who they are.

Happy Friday!

Love,

Dianna

I Went to Heaven this Morning

Trying to fully wake up. My face is still wet from tears.

God showed me around heaven this morning, in my dreams I suppose. He took me through His garden. It was filled with every flower you could imagine and then some you couldn't. There were colors I have never seen, things I have never seen. I'm not even sure if in closing my eyes I could portray a picture to you that does heaven justice. Tall, tall castles all about, each with gardens not even a master landscaper could re-create.

I had wings and there were sunflowers so tall that I could just float up to see the top of. If we walked somewhere we would just zip along. He took me to this edge and showed me this great, great sea. At the back of the sea was the sun. Not like our earthly sun, but like this huge heavenly light. Angels were hanging out on the beach. None of them had faces from what I could see. They all had enormous wings. Some had harps and horns and they just stood on the sea shore, playing the most beautiful music. It's as if they were welcoming newcomers to heaven. Maybe they were waiting for their family to come through the light and the second they came through, they wanted their family to know "This is heaven."

There were birds in heaven, all sorts. Dogs running through Gods gardens, but not as dogs, as lights. Cats, bunnies, animals I had no clue what they were........The best part of all came when two lights came swirling about me. They swirled and swirled and stopped. I asked God "Am I dead papa?" "No" he said, "your earthly body is still very much alive, but I thought you'd appreciate my garden."

The two lights came back again and stopped in front of me. They had faces. One was mamaw and the other was Dorothy Ann. Another quick light came over and it was papaw. He simply said "Hi" and then before I knew it, he was gone. Mamaw and Dorothy kept going away and coming back swirling around me. I was crying out to mamaw, "Please come back, please come back!" She came back and said "Dianna, it's not an easy job keeping all of you safe, you keep me very busy." Dorothy Ann came back and she had her piercing blue eyes. She hugged me tightly and said "Tell my family I'm keeping them all safe."

I asked God "Is that how it works?" He said "How what works?" "Heaven" I said. I was confused because I thought heaven was relaxing and just enjoying everything. "God walked (floated?) with me some more through His garden telling me that everyone has work in heaven. It's based upon how we live our lives.... How we live.... what we do... determines the job. I said "So, they keep people safe God?" He says "They have a very special job child, they keep their families safe." I said "just mine?" To which He replied "Mamaw takes care of you, your mom,Johnny, Lindsay, Carol, Mary Lee, Karen. All of you." "She wants to do it" He said "To her and for you, that's the most important job there is. She's stored up blessings in heaven for you, therefore you guys get really special angels." "She's one?" I ask. "Yes child" He replied.

I asked Him if I could help Him take care of His garden when I get to heaven. "Of course" He replied, "But, it doesn't work like your earthly garden." He walked over to this tall red flower and He placed His hand on this huge,huge leaf.....The red flower looked like it bent over to kiss His hand. Was beautiful.

I asked where Dorothy Ann was and He said "She's taking care of her family."

I couldn't find Brett. Poopie ran over and Gracie ran over. Not as dogs, but as light. I looked for Brett and asked God...."Where's Brett?" God said "Sometimes people don't want to come to heaven, they are lost and they roam the earth." I asked if he could come to heaven and He said "He's lost." I said to God "It says in the bible that you find lost people and you help lost people." He got down on His knees and looked in my eyes and said "Not if they don't want to leave earth child. Sometimes they don't want to come to heaven, they wait." This made me sad and God told me "There is no sadness or tears in heaven."

He led me again to His garden and mamaw came back. She swirled around me again and again then started flying away. I said "Mamaw, mamaw please don't leave." She turned around and stopped, said "I love you Dianna, look for me in daisies." In an instant she flew away.

I didn't want her to go, I tried to fly after her but her light was so much faster than my wings. Dorothy Ann came back and gave me an even bigger hug than before. What's funny is I always remembered her hugs. Maybe she knew that. I asked her not to go too, I wanted to talk to her. "How will we find you?" I called after her... "Tell my family to look for me in the blue birds, they'll know what I mean." In an instant her light just as quick as mamaws flew away.

God told me it was time to go back, but before we went He picked this beautiful flower for me. It was a shade of blue I had never ever seen and He told me to take it with me as a reminder of what's waiting for me.

I woke up and was sobbing, evidentally I was sobbing even as I slept. My heart wasn't heavy, I was very peaceful. I look over my shoulder at the base of my cross on my bed and there's a pic of me and mamaw =).

Made me happy to think mamaw was keeping us all safe and Dorothy Ann was keeping all the country cousins safe. Different lights flew around me when I was there, but I didn't know who they were. Maybe they knew me, maybe they were people from my family that I didn't know.

It makes me feel a lot better knowing that mamaw is looking after our family, keeping us safe.

I miss them both very much. I hope and pray Brett finds his way to heaven.

Happy Thursday.

Love,

Dianna

**I have to add, I woke up and after everything settled in I talked to God about my dream...I asked Him if it was real, He replied "What do you think?" I asked Him if it was real, how come I could see everything, even touch a flower, but I felt disconnected from Mamaw, Dorothy Ann....Just over all had no feelings.......He said "I gave you a glimpse with your eyes, a moment with your hand, a second you had with your ears.... If I had given you the scent and feelings of heaven, you wouldn't of wanted to go back."

=) Amen!