Have a question..... Love

I have a question for you guys.

God shows me areas I need to work on all the time. Sunday was one example of something I am trying to do and do not know how to do.

How do you accept love? Love from God, love from family, love from friends? How do you accept it, when you have a core belief that you do not deserve it?

I guess this is the part where I believe that mental abuse is a lot worse than physical abuse. Hearing how bad I was from a small child it's etched into my brain now that I am bad and deserve nothing. Especially not love.

How can I ever have a relationship when I can't accept love? You can't take love and place it in my hand, it's accepting something that you can't see.

I have had this problem with every relationship I have had. Every single one. I end up leaving them before they leave me, because how can I possibly be loved?

It's hard to make someone understand why I do the things I do.... Here it is in black and white, humiliating as it can be...... I think I am that bad to not deserve love.... Help.

I was saying my prayers the other night and God said to me loud and clear, "I'm not going to leave you, I will not forsake you" He said it again and again.

Funny, that same night I read it in the bible. I didn't know that line was even in the bible. That's how I know it was God's voice. I was told that what God says aligns with what's in the bible.... Pretty amazing considering I haven't read the bible. I am reading it now, but have not other than what hangs on walls.

It answers my question that I am not ready to date. If I did I would screw it all up again. I have to figure out how to accept love.

I can't even accept love God wants to give me. I know I love people. I love my children, my family, my dogs.

I can't wrap my brain around it. I try to rationalize it. I can't. I don't know how to accept something you can't see.

Someone said you can't fully give love and you can't fully love someone unless you accept love. I feel I love people, do I?

It's all so complicated. I know I love my children. I know I love my family. I think of how do I know? Is it the way I pray for them? Is it the things I do for them? Is it how I act towards them?

Do I expect them to throw themselves in front of a bus to prove they love me? Would that work? I don't get it.

What is it? I think did I love Elmer? Kyle? It's complicated.

Was my lack of being able to accept love the problem in all of this? Did I cause all the problems in my past relationships?

If I was good why did Juan (sons dad not him) want to kill me? Why did he hit me? Why did he tear up my stuff? Why did he throw me down steps? Why did he break my arm? If I was someone, if I was able to be loved, why did he do those things?

Why did Mary always tell me I hurt my dad and that I should be ashamed of myself for hurting my dad. Why did she take away my room if I was worth loving? Why did they take away my car, why did they say such awful things to me if I was worth loving?

I could go on and on and on......

How do I change those beliefs of what I deserve?

My mind goes crazy.

I worked through forgiveness with Kyle. Did I love him? Yes, he's the father of my child. I think towards the end so many bad things had happened that I could no longer fully love him the way he deserved. Too much bad.

Elmer......Well, of course I loved him. We would've never worked the way things were. Doesn't mean I didn't love him. Sometimes if you love someone the best thing you can do for them is to let them go.

Does any of this make any sense? I'm confusing myself more.

With that being said....... I can give it, but I can't accept it. How do you believe you deserve it? How do I change this to not let it affect my future relationships?

When I was hit it was so much easier. Words......they last forever and when you don't believe you deserve something like love.......

UGH. Help..... advice? Experience? Help =(

Pray for me, because this is a huge struggle for me.

Please.

Happy Wednesday

Love

Dianna