Thursday, April 28, 2005
Well back from my aunts. Everytime i go over there i get sad. Sad that shes moving and just sad. My grandmas used to live in her basement. It's just hard going over there and remembering when i was over there visiting her. I am sad that my aunt is moving its the one place i feel my grandmas spirit. I miss her terribly. I had to dust all her pics tonighti just looked at them for awhile. I know my parents love me thats a gimme, but my grandma, i never ever doubted that she loved me. I always just knew. She didn't care that i had glasses, she was never on my case for anything. She just loved me. For who i was, not what i could be. I miss her chewing gum, i miss her smell, I miss her saying "for cryin out loud" Her little white pleather purses. Her prescription shoes. I just miss her. So many things she would like, she wouldve loved Game show network and nick and nite, tv land. She loved Matlock and Alex Trebek. She would be thrilled to know he was still on. She would love all that stuff. God, i miss her. Very much. Her mallowmars cookies, she always kept in the cookie jar. I loved those! her bananas. Her pink medicine that always smelled good even though i have no clue what it was. iced tea and ham sandwiches. Funny how a simple glass of tea can bring back so many memories. I remember seeing her before her surgery, i didn't think it would be the last time i would talk to her. She had her bible and was reading it, I gave her a big hug. I can still see her tucking the black book mark thing in the bible in the page and closing it. She was scared i know she was and she was praying to be safe in her surgery. Bless her heart. She developed an infection and was allergic to penicillin, back then they didn't have as many drugs as they do today. A few days later i come back after her surgery, she has tubes everywhere she doesnt, she doesn't look anything like my grandma. I went over and said "Hi grandma" her hand jumped she knew i was there. Her hand was so soft. I traced the blue veins in her hands her skin was so pale. I just remember how soft they were. Damn lotion :( Okay i gotta go to bed cause i am cryin too much and Juan will get freaked out if he sees me cryin. Weird how i don't think about this stuff for years and going to my aunts triggers an overload of memories. I think opening the blue box and seeing my grandmas glasses did it for me. It's just one more thing i never dealt with and I am paying for it now. I am still dealing with brett on and off, but each day, ill deal with what i am capable of and for now just enjoy the memories of the people i love.