Wednesday

Have I mentioned lately I hate winter? You know back in the day I used to hate summer... Why? I dunno, but now I hate winter. I don't like the illnesses that go with it.
My flu is getting better in the respect that I don't have a fever. Although my left tonsil is killing me and it's beet red. That ear still is clogged up.
Facing a problem.... I had some tooth work done on Dec 29th. I was supposed to have had it finished like a month ago. Kyle/ COBRA etc etc... my paperworks still not done. Its way over due.
So what happens? Of course it's me... Kyle kept his filling in for 6 or more mos no problems ever... Me?????? 6 weeks and mine breaks falls out. I see a cotton ball it hurts. Im dizzy as heck and have to go today to have a nother temporary put in til they get this crap straightened out.
Im stressed to the flipping max, Im terrified of laying with my heels over my head in that chair. I'm afraid of dizzy.
I don't feel well, Savannah is feeling better but all her toys are packed up and she is driving me crazy today. She didn't go to school we went to the new house. She wants to go to the Y and no matter how I try to explain we can't go when we have the flu she doesn't wanna hear it. Shes bored. I have tried watching movies she doesnt want to..
It's really stressing me out with nothing here for her to do and we can't go out in public. Maybe the trip to the dentist will entertain her.
Doubtful, maybe my screaming will if they flip me too far upside down.
Too bad it's not Christmas so I can say Bah humbug.
Love
di

Ugh Miserable

My fever broke this morning. Finally. Anthony's back at school, still coughing though. Savannah is now home with a high fever and coughing. I still feel like crap, and of course like clock work, my throat hurts so bad, my tonsils are swollen, blocking my eustachian tubes causing fluid to build up...What's this mean... I'm pretty flipping dizzy and I'm pretty flipping mad. Of all flipping weeks for dizziness to come why now. I wanna say some curse words really bad, but I have done so well on nut saying them. I'm mad, very, very mad. Just pray hard please that it goes away. I have got too much to do this week to be knocked on my butt with this crap. I gobble cough drops with extremely boiling tea while sniffing vicks vapor rub. I am using nasal drops.... I have some meds to take but will knock me out and I can't do that with Savannahs fever being so high. She got sick yesterday and I was really worried with Kyle having her, but I have to say he did a really good job giving her motrin and taking care of her. Really good job. So that's pretty sweet. Okay off to sniff nose drops, chase the tea with the cough drops while sniffing vicks... Feels like a weird drinking game. Oh Johnnys taking IN bar exams today and called last night with the chills and aches, so pray he doesnt have it too. UGH It's a big beast this year.
Pray pray pray and then come see my new house, well I'd wait a week or so til we are all cleansed....It's so homey you won't wanna leave! =)
Love
di

It's 5 am

Been up for about 20 min, My fever is 101 and I woke up just feeling like someone was kicking me in my eye balls. I tried to walk to the bathroom to pee and ugh I felt so funny. I felt like I was rubber. My ears hurt, my nose hurts, my fingernails hurt. It hurts to lay in bed.
I see now how old people get in the hospital from the flu. It knocked a 17 year old on his butt... I figured it would be bad the way it took him out, but man oh man. I wasn't prepared. I just keep counting down til Tuesday that's when Anthony felt a lil better. My eyes hurt so bad. I can't express, feels like someone took screwdrivers to them and I also don't feel like I'm sitting here writing this. Oh the joys of flu.
Happy Day.
Pray we are all better soon
Love,
Di

UGH

It's midnight, I'm up with the flu so bad. Fever, so achy I can't walk. This year was a doozy. Today, I have been in a fog. I needed some meds and I don't even know how I made it up to valu market. Anthonys fever today was down to 100. He was putting on concerts in his room, so I'm thinking that means he's on the mend. I talked to Savannah who is coughing, Kyle says she's not sick, but she's coughing and told me she didn't feel well.... Either way I hope it's not this crap.
I watched Miss Pettigrew lived for a day, it was pretty good. From what I remember of it anyways. I was so in a fog today, more so than yesterday.
OKay, gonna crawl back to my hole and sleep. Im sure Ill have to take Juan to school in the morning. I asked him to please, please catch his bus so I don't have to go out, but I know how that goes.
Happy day
Love
di

Sick

Sigh. I now have the flu. Fever, achy, even my hair hurts. Anthonys still in bed day 2 fever of 103. I hate the flu. I hate winter. I hate sick. I have too much to do this week to freaking be sick. All the hand sanitizer or bleach in the world couldn't of saved me. =( Im super depressed. The flu takes so long to recover from where as a cold is over kinda quick. I don't look forward to the morning because as the hours drag on I feel worse and ugh.

=(

Pray for us please.
Love,
Di

Afternoon

Sigh. I'm tired and not feeling too hot at all. Keep getting dizzy, have been alot lately. It really makes me angry and I will be glad to get to a point in my life where I don't have to be dizzy anymore.
Anthony hasn't moved out of bed all day. I went in and poked him with a broom a few times to make sure he was okay. Just kidding on the broom thing, I did go in but very carefully. He has the actual flu and I don't want it. Says his legs hurt and he just lays there. I already know I'll be sick on moving day. Which makes me even happier that I hired movers. I will be glad when winter is over, school is out and people keep their germs to their selves.
Packed up a ton of stuff. Im now officially out of boxes and to be honest a lil sad. Everything looks so bare around here. Just nothingness.
I'm so drained... Kyle left a bunch of stuff here, and Im trying to keep my cool about it, was just stacking it out back. My dad came and got the table and savannahs toys I dont want to put on that back porch. I have them stacked by the door and asked him if he could come pick them up. Simple request.... He will be less than a block from my house and just has to poke his head in the door and get them. Why in God's name does he have to make everything so hard and stressful.... I can pack them up and take them to my new house gladly.... Here is our email exchange... It could've been made simple by yes I will. Now, I'm stressed over a simple flipping question.... UGH

ME
there any way u can stop by and pick up a afew of her things that i keep having to work around that go to your house? everyone keeps trying to pack them up. they will fit in your car its the hannah montana box and the play doh and a couple other stuffed animals from your sister and stuff

HIM
I can, but I would prefer to wait until you guys are better.

ME
kyle come on u will be inside 5 minutes....but whatever i understand its hard to walk inside a door and take 5 min to pick something up and i realize that's hard for you.

HIM
No it’s not, is it on the porch or where. I can come by when I pick up Savannah from the bus. But I have to be somewhere around 5 to make a delivery for work.

ME
its right by the door

HIM
Ok. I will come and get it. I wasn’t trying to be lazy, but you were saying you guys were really sick and I don’t want it.

ME
i know but its right by the door its not like you have to lick anthony. i had something different i had the stomach flu the other night which is now gone

HIM
Oh I thought all 3 of you were sick

ME
juan just had a sore throat and a temp. , mine was stomach virus i ran a fever yesterday and feel a liil better today fever is gone for the most part. Anthony is the one with the actual flu

HIM
I thought all 3 had the flu Anthony has.

ME
Nooooooooo not yet, juan may have had it... Im not sure. No one has been as sick as anthony. He may have taken it harder. we are all sick yes and why the hell are we going back and forth with this? It's pcking up freaking boxes for God sake, we didn't breathe on them . If you want technicalities we are sick. We aren't dead, not close to death but sick. what the more do you want, blood counts? throat cultures?

UGH

We are all sick. Even Anthony is home today with a fever of 100. Savannahs not sick, thank God. She called me last night crying for about 30 minutes wanting to come home. It broke my heart. We had a really good weekend together and it's hard to spend so much time with one of us then go back to the other. That's what I was trying to tell Kyle.... it's hard on her to get used to one place, then have to go to another so in both of our best interests we need to go back to the original agreement. I missed her too horribly.
Happy Day and stay away from our house. We are germy.

Movers will be here Friday

YAY
Love
Di

It's almost Friday

Today I didn't do anything. I started feeling bad last night and today have felt weak, sluggish, achy. Tonight I was cold and just took my temp 99.4. So, I guess I have a touch of something. Still packing to move. Sigh. Just seems there aren't enough boxes and I need a ton. I'm bored. Savannah is at Kyles and I miss her horribly. I keep telling him I want to go back to the custody schedule we agreed upon and only altered it for dance... dance is over and I want to go back. He gets her for 5 days in a row and that's totally unfair, but of course when I brought it up this week nothing. So, like with everything, I have to just tell him I'm doing it and do it. No reason to ask him, he will procrastinate, it's in the divorce papers, if he doesn't like it then oh freaking well.
I guess tonight Im gonna hop in bed early. Im tired and bored, so .... bed I guess is a good thing.

Happy Friday.
Love,
Dianna

Things that go bump in the day....

Okay, so I have started cleaning houses again and today I had to do Karens. Now at your own house, you know what things are where and what things do what etc. etc...... When you go into someone elses house and no one is home and it's quiet...it's weird so to speak. Karen asked today that I do her window sills...Okay, not a big deal... or so I thought. I did her living room window sill and there was this Furby and he went off, not only scaring the crap out of me, but the thing would NOT shut up..... OMG I was like wtf? How you turn this thing off, it needed a screw driver to get the batteries out and I couldnt see real well if there was an off on switch. So I listen to him for 15 min, just when I thought he was finally shut off, he would come on again. I found a Darth Vader Mask on the couch and put it on my head and took on the Furby, I found this black and blue thing on the floor that made a noise and I knocked old Furby around for a few.... I'm 100% serious that this thing was getting on my ever loving nerves. Like I need a xanax nerves....I kept the mask on for a bit and then found the rest of the costume... I actually tried it on... it fit =) So there I was walking around karens in full Darth Costume, even boots on it, helmet on taking on this stupid Furby.. I said "Furby, I am your Father" then said Young padawan what is your fate....Scooped him up by his lil grubby ear and locked him in the refrigerator.... I COULD STILL HEAR HIM!~ How is that possible for 15 min he was in that fridge saying "Ohhhhhh HIDE" I had my drink in the fridge and really wanted it and knew what lurked for a drink. I tried to softly pry the fridge open to get my drink and as soon as the door open that SOB Furby started with his chants again... ring RING RINGGGGGGGGG I shut the fridge and for 15 min heard him in the fridge zzzzzzzzzzzz ing and then ringing. Karen the next time Im scheduled for your house if that thing is there, I'm charging double. I did take the costume off and laid it on his bed ... It was a very cool costume =P I left her house and sadly forgot to take Furby out of the fridge... Sorry... (not really) I'm finally home, I went to qdoba and got some eats. I was so hungry... I have about 10 min to eat get a shower then go get Juan.
Last night I took, Savannah, Maddie May, Alissa, Aleah, Patrick and Juan to the YMCA. Im trying to keep Savannah extremely busy to get her mind off things. All the girls wanted to rock climb so we did that, then they did crafts and played in Y world.... Then at 8 after I worked out I got them all out of the Y world and took them all swimming. They had a blast and all konked out in the car on the way home. I rolled home at 10:30 last night. I was only home for 1 hr yesterday from 930 til 1030 at night.
I'm plum exhausted.

Happy Wednesday.
Love,
Di

The day was LONG

So today was horribly long. Savannah had her appt with the psychologists. From what I understand after this next appt, then she meets with the forensics people. I'm confused as to how that works. I thought this appt was with forensics, but it wasn't. She did however say she will meet with them in time.
It was a very long draining day for us. Savannah crashed and burned in the car.

I think tonight we are going to the YMCA to go swimming. I called her friends and they are going to come with us. That was she can hang out and do normal kids stuff after a tough day.

Happy Tuesday.
Her next appt is the beginning of March, so keep praying for her.

Love,
Di

Evening

I made it through the day. I sanded and painted Savannahs dresser that my aunt sue gave her. Still needs another coat, but that's all I can do for today. I also packed quite a bit. Im running out of places to put things.
Kyle and I are slowly working out the bill issues. I need more movers to give me quotes and no one wants to call or email me back with an itemized list.
I had what looked to be skin floating in my hot chocolate and I'm freaked out. I dunno what it is. So if I die tell them to check the skin on the kleenex. I didn't drink it after I found that but still took a drink. Gag and Gag.
Savannahs appt is in the morning, I pray I have strength to not panic down there. I wish the anxiety would go away. Maybe after I get moved and then things calm down some it will get better. If not, I need to go get on some anti depressants.
My dad came over and gave me a whole set of cordless phones for the new house YAY!! Oh and some bubble wrap YAY!!
That's about all I can think of this evening. I just wanna sleep, but everything is so weird with the walls empty and so on and so on.

Have a good evening
Love,
Di

Grrrr

You know, I wish to God above that I would never have to talk to Kyle ever again in my life. I think on my long list of top stress he's my number one. Whether it be him trying to put Savannah in a bad situation..... to saying he paid off bills that he did NOT pay off and then trying to get out of it.
I can't take him. Not on any sort of level. I hate lying, I hate being told somethings been done then calling only to find out that it hasn't been done. It's frustrating esp when I have a week to get this taken care of.
I had about 20 panic attacks yesterday and somehow managed to get to church and was so relaxed there I almost fell asleep.
I have free floating anxiety today and the more I get on the phone trying to do stuff figuring out what he has done or not done I start shaking yet again.

I will be glad when all ties are cut with him and I only have to see him picking up Savannah or dropping her off.

God, I need strength to deal with that man.

Grumble, grumble on a Monday
Love,
di

Sunday Stressin

Sigh. I'm sleepy. Yesterday we stayed busy the whole day. I took Savannah to see the movie Coraline. It was one of the best movies I have seen in quite some time. It was in 3d and Savannah would jump when things would come out. The girls loved it. Absolutely loved it. As did I. We then journeyed over to moms where I cleaned and accidentally fell asleep for a few on her couch. I was so worn out. Then we went to eat lunch at Burger King. After that, we went to the YMCA I worked out a bit and Savannah and Alyssa played in the Y world. Then we all went swimming for awhile. They had a really good time. After that we had Valentines Day Dinner at Steak n Shake.... Then off to walgreens and we finally got home at 10 PM. We were gone from 10 til 10. Long day.
Today, I'm stressed. Mom is encouraging me to hire movers to move me, but I can't justify hiring movers when I don't have a couch, a stove or microwave..... I don't have money to do all these things. But, when all is said and done I can't get any definites on helping me move, so looks like I am forced into hiring movers and just will have to get a microwave and cook out of there for awhile. Couch, I guess isn't something I "need" I have been without one since Kyle left and we all just watch TV in our rooms. I have been trying to pack... Kyle never did get all his stuff, i guess he just figured I would pack his stuff with mine and have him come get it... gee Suprise there....him not do something? So not only am i packing my stuff, packing his stuff up and just ugh. Im out of boxes. I don't know where to put everything.
Just totally overwhelmed.
I need some peace.
Happy Sunday
Love,
di

Friday

Hi everyone... Happy Friday. Things are going a lil better here. The initial shock is worn off and now my brain is trying to process everything.

Savannah had a friend over for dinner, they are down stairs eating. Pork chops, mashed potatoes, corn, mac n cheese and for desert smores.
They are doing after dinner songs now, it's cute.

Trying to pack and get ready to move. Packing is such a hard job and ugh I don't enjoy it.

Okay, have a great weekend everyone.

Love,
Di

Tired

I'm so tired. Feels like I have been running marathons. Emotionally drained. I went and did a lil bit of shopping this morning to just get out of the house. Came home and slept.

Prayers still welcomed.

Love,
di

I'm about to pull my hair out

Seriously. I'm so angry, I feel like I need to go to the Y and just punch those baggies they have set up. We have alot going on here, I can't go into any detail what so ever for a whole lot of reasons. Things could be so much easier than they are in the difficult time, yet people are hell bent on making them harder.
I'm trying to understand logic behind what people think, what more than one person thinks. There is no logic to their way of thinking.
Kyle basically said I was a bad mom...... Because of yet again that year i was sick and he says " A year?" Like it was longer. I took her everywhere and did everythign with her. I have taken her to every dr appt she has had, I have taken her to every hospital visit she has had. I have been to all her school functions, every play, every thing. Other than last year when I played computer or slept ... when was i ever bad? I missed lunch one day, but she says he missed dinner more than once.... so does that mean he's bad too? When she had all those ear infections and was sick last year too more than normal, who took her to the dr? I think it was me every single time. I never NOT took her. Even when I had to borrow the money from my mom to take her cause he "Didn't have it" So if he thinks he can prove at any time I was a bad mom, bring it on. So i didn't go to dance practice, big flipping deal.... I registered her for school, he didn't. I went to her orientation with her just as much as he did........Maybe I didn't give her attention 24 hrs a day or who knows what else, but if he wants to say im a bad mom..... I dont recall ever holding her against a wall by her throat a few times, or almost punching her leading to the cops being called, nor dumping milk on top of her head at 4 years old. I don't recall me doing any of those things....... Oh nor not giving her lunch money and making her starve all day......... Hmm My check list is empty on all those things and more.... so as you said to me BRING IT ON........ I've done nothing wrong.
In the middle of a crisis, I guess I can see what cards he plays other than denial or stupidity. Im completely blown away.
Like any of us need anymore stress, just pile it on.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
God, Im angry.
Love
di

Feel a little

back more into real life. Like I'm not watching my life in a movie. So that helps. I just hope the anxiety stays away. Juan has a bad stomach flu and now for extra fun was pooping blood. Gotta call the dr this morning.
Waiting on the phone to ring for todays agenda. After I get Savannah off the bus today I'm taking her to the YMCA and we are gonna float in the pool all evening. Just relax and swim.
Losing alot of weight. Down 15 more lbs from January. Almost to my 60 lb mark =) Hooray!! My clothes when I walk fall off, so that's a nice feeling...well it is at first, now Im getting tired of always stopping to pull my pants up. When I took my before pics, my orange tye dye shirt was an ordinary shirt, now i can wear it as a nightgown so YAY!
My new shower curtain came today so that's another positive in what's going to be a very long day.

Hope everyone has a good one and keep prayers coming. They help more than you know. Appreciated more than you know.

Love,
Di

It's Monday Evening

I am not functioning well. I still haven't gotten my head to a right frame of mind. I can't eat. I can't sleep. In between places I'm supposed to go and phone calls, I'm numb. I feel like a zombie just walking around.

God gave me the strength to cope during crisis, but I'm not sure how long I can hold up.

I'm tired.

Prayers please.

Love,
di

Need Prayers

As many as my family can get. Please, please and Please, say as many as you can.

I won't even write happy day, because nothing is happy.

Prayers is all I ask in abundance.

Love,
Di

Missin Van...

Crying this morning. I miss Savannah so much =(. Seems like with this stupid dance, she's always with Kyle. You take someone you have seen every day of her life and then go to not seeing her for days at a time........ It's hard. Kyle and I talked for awhile yesterday, no arguing, just talking and it was nice... Then this morning when I miss her so much I get so angry again at him.
She can't go to church today because of again yet another dance activity and I don't even wanna go because I will probably sit there and cry. I really enjoy my Sundays with her.
You know when she's here, she always wants to call him over and over and over... she rarely calls me. I know it's harder cause he doesn't have a land line and he only has a work cell with limited calls. I just don't feel she misses me much at all.
I would like to say partially that's my fault. Last year when I was so sick, I wasn't worth a crap to anyone. I don't even remember anything I did last year at all. Again that just makes me mad. I hate that mold. I feel like it robbed me of a whole year of my life. She grew closer with Kyle that year.
We used to go to the zoo all the time, plan big parties, go shopping. We were always busy and doing stuff together.
I wish we would've never moved to this house. My dr said I'm lucky it wasn't worse cause that mold has killed people, for the most part it did. I have to undo everything that was done in that year.
On a brighter note and to keep from crying, I put my goal pants on again and they are loose, so where as in Dec, I couldn't fit them til the end, I can now fit them and prob take them off without unbuttoning them.
So that's a happy note.

It's Saturday and I've lost my Dustpan!

I can't find the dern thing. I literally have cleaned and packed since I woke up this morning. I'm starting to get a bit tired. But =) It looks really good in my house despite the lack of furniture and knick knacks. I polished everything and dusted things as I packed them away. Im looking so forward to a fresh start =)

YAY! Okay, that's about it. Gotta go back to cleaning. I just ate and seems anymore anytime I eat I feel sick to my stomach. Probably that nice ulcer I have. It's a gnawing burning pain. So probably.


Happy Saturday....
Elmers still driving, keep him in your prayers =)
Love,
Di

Shish kabob Anyone?

This is soooooooooooooooo not funny, in any way shape or form, but yet I can't help but laugh. As a matter of fact I joked with Curl, Jay and Linney about this on Sunday at dinner..... My pond thawed out today and sure enough is a dead fish with a tree limb going through him.......... I lifted the branch and the fish was perfectly on there like he had been skewered...... It's not funny, by any means... but I giggled and still am giggling. Juan walks in and says mom, there's a fish on a stick outside...oof and oof.

Today has been so busy, I had to clean 2 houses today, then went to Big lots for some knick knacks..Rushed home to let the kids in and got a shower. I forgot to get milk so I have to go back out. My feet are killing me. I started my exercise routine back up. I went from every day to 3 times a week, but now going to every other day.... I figured all the work I did today was enough.

I need to wash my van, from landing in the ditch sideways last week it isn't too clean.

Lisa left a comment about Savannah always being with Kyle... Yes seems that way and it's hardly fair. He's the one that wants her to dance...And can't see past his own nose.... it's very unfair especially this early in the joint custody. She will get used to being over there and it's very unfair to me, but then again that's Kyle and that's how Kyle works.

So........I told him next year absolutely no dance on my days. If she wanted to go I would say sure, but she doesn't want to, its for him.

Happy Friday!
Keep Elmer in your prayers him and his nephew are driving from CA to MD and that's a long, long haul. So pray they have a safe trip.

=)
He's my sunshine.

Love,
Dianna

Thursday

Well, yesterday was kinda boring. I went and cleaned karens and then went to the YMCA then went to pick up some dishes and canister thingies. When I was washing them up, I started crying... They symbolized to me a new start. A moment set in where I thought to myself WHOA! this is MINE =). Back when I met Kyle I was terrified of staying alone. I guess I was young and scared or what have you... So even with all the yelling he was there. I no longer am afraid to be alone and OMG The peace I feel. I don't have to worry about hiding things from him that the boys did or something I did. I don't have to worry about him coming home and starting off the afternoon with a yelling match with Anthony. I don't have to worry about the stinky washrags he would let get nasty in the sink, don't have to worry about the dishes getting done, or the laundry getting done..... I have got myself into a pattern and it's just done. All that worry gone, all that anger daily I had at him for being a slug gone........... The peace I feel is so overwhelming. I'm not shaky anymore, I want to get out and get up! It's just amazing the difference. The only time all week I have had any stress is when i have to talk to him.
I won't have Savannah for about 3 full weeks cept a few days here and there because of this dance crap that she does not want to do. She's tired. She cries not to go, but Kyle enjoys it, so therefore forces her to go. I told him all along she wants to quit tap and ballet, but he had the teacher talk to her and you know how kids are with teachers.... she still cries. Last night was my night with her and she had an unscheduled practice. she got confused and thought she was staying with him and was tired and cranky and he had to drag her in kicking and screaming. I was quite angry. She doesn't need all this confusion this early into all this. She told me he never cooks dinner and she goes to bed hungry... kyle said that's bull crap. Funny how one day I didn't cook lunch cause i was sick and Im made out to look like the worst person in the world, but she said on multiple occassions she doesn't eat... oh she's telling tales.... Hmmm my, my, my how it feels when the shoe is on the other foot.

Enough about that, I bought a shower curtain for my new house =) First time I Have bought anything in a LONGGGGGGGGGGGG time and I can't wait to hang it =)

It's awful having a new place and no money to decorate it!

Happy Thursday

Love
Di

My sun is shining =)

Mondayyyy

Well, we are back into our house. I had taken Savannah to the movies Saturday to see, Hotel for dogs and we decided to drive by our house and what do we see....... POWER and a mess. More branches down in my yard. It looks like a lumberjack smoked a bunch of hash and plowed through my yard.
I have alot of stuff damaged. My computer is fried from all the zaps in power. The one yesterday zapped it even more. It's doing what Karens is doing, which is not turning on. The fan comes on, the CD light comes on, but it won't power up. I get a ton of flickers and it sounds like it's sizzling.
Hmm What else. Bird boys dad came took the tree off my fence.
Dogs are worn out, Kids are worn out, I'm worn out. I really have slacked off on exercising and I really need to get it back up there. I think my iron has fallen, very, very drastically. I can tell. I have no energy and I haven't been taking it. One of these days I promise I will learn.
Other than that, nothing to report cept I hate ice.
Love
Di