Been A lot Longer Than A Month!

I was going to try to update every month, real life creeps in and well, almost 2 months later.

Things are going really well. I lost a sweet friend to cancer which really threw my emotions all around but aside from that, things are going great.

I love my zoloft, the changes it has made for me are amazing. It was like I had on beer goggles and they came off and I'm like WHOA!

My mind is clear, focused and my mind is happy.

I had to start therapy again because I had a lot of shock seeing the way things really are vs how I thought they were when I was so depressed. I feel like it's going to take some time to get used to people again that are already in my life and accept them for who or what they are. That's been the biggest adjustment for me is people.

I don't have anything else to add except ......God is great, beer or water in my case is good and people are crazy!!!

I'm a rebel today, my headband says right or left and I switched it up and turned it around just to be different!

YAY for rebel!

Okay I have had a busy day and a very blessed day.

Til next month!!!

Me!

Medicine

Well, I have suffered from anxiety, depression and panic attacks for about 20 years. I have been terrified of taking meds for that 20 years. I reached probably my lowest low I have had in a long while. I couldn't take anymore stress, depression.....rejection. I was unable to cope. By the grace of God, He gave me the strength I needed to start taking the pills to get better.

I was terrified of side effects, but most of the side effects were the same of what I was already having from so much stress and anxiety. I decided I wanted a life for myself. I want to get out and do things and I want to go places and be someone.

I can't do it by myself. I needed help. The first few days I noticed a quiet come over my brain. No racing thoughts, no cloudy thinking. My thinking was very clear. It was enough of a push to get me through. I had some dry mouth and drowsiness, but kept pushing on.

I'm almost 2 weeks into it and I can't tell too much of a difference on some things, but in other areas I can. For starters I can't cry...For me this is a good thing. I feel numb and that's how I want to feel....or not feel.

I don't want to feel that pain that's constantly there. I'm hoping more than anything as I continue taking the meds that, that happens.

As I said above, my thinking is clearer which is really nice. It's like my brain is on vacation.

I also have an OCD thing with time.......I have to know how long something takes...What time it is.......What time it's over.

That is slacking off some. I'm not checking the time a lot. I did ask my hairdresser today how long my appointment would take LOL, I already know how long it takes, but I had to ask anyways. Time.......

So as a whole, so far so good.

I just really hope for no more pain inside. I have felt so much.

One thing that I have to share is that like with the diet, I know that is God because I can't diet without His help...The pills......That's God. I never in a million years would have taken those pills. NEVER. I never dreamed of a day that would come where I would have the courage to take them. It's Him. He's putting me on my path to take me where I'm supposed to be.

I was thrilled to know that He is working in my life.

I really hope and pray that I get who I am back quickly.

I am a lot happier and smile and laugh a lot now.

I'm ready.

Have a great week.

Love,

Me

It's almost August 3.

It's almost August 3. As always this time of year, I'm depressed. I miss him.

Started taking anti depressants because I'm to the point of not being able to cope with things. I'm lonely, I miss being touched.

I miss holding hands, I miss a lot.

I'm in a weird head space lately and just blah.

Pray for me.

Please.

Love,

Me

I Prayed for Something Different

Well, after years and years of praying for the same thing...Today I changed my prayer.

I never in a million years thought I would get to this point. I'm still in disbelief that I'm finally to this point.

My eyes opened. My hearts at peace with it.

I have prayed. He will answer.

He is faithful, He is good. I'm tired of fighting His will.

I'm ready.

Keeping praying for me please.

Pray hard.

Love,

Me

What is it with the Midnight Hour?

I have been getting so much better about accepting the choices I make, not crying over everything, dealing with things a little bit better...I'm not sure what's up with midnight, but last night I had a nice cry fest with God.

Have you ever just been really sorry for something? Like over the moon sorry? I was thinking back to years ago and an instance that happened with Kyle and man......I was just wrong. I'm not sure why that crept up on me, but I repented to God and just had a good cry. I wish I could forget that moment, but maybe I learned from it. Our marriage was horrible, we fought, we hurt each other. He was my people though and ugh, I don't know. I just feel bad for that moment, really bad.

Then it all rolled over to my dad and what a mess that is.......Then it rolled over to how God is my Father and how I'm forgiven and loved.

I wish life came with instructions.

Anyways...Enjoying my summer, swimming, eating, losing weight =) I walked this morning, then went swimming, felt so good. It was hot and I was sweating. I lost more weight and I'm looking really good. I'm feeling a lot better.

I will not fail this time because God has changed my heart where food is concerned.

He hasn't changed this chipmunks appetite who is looking me square in the eye on his hind legs begging me to come feed him.

Have a great week and see you again in a month!

<3

Me

It's Almost Midnight

I'm not sure if I'm tired or not.

For the past few weeks my spirit and soul are exhausted.

What do you do when what's inside of you, the part that is you, is tired?

You ever just sit and not know what to do? Wrong choices, bad choices...What if I choose wrong?

Some situations I'm in lately, it doesn't matter if I choose wrong because I'm not sure if one choice would feel any worse than the other.

What's that say?

There are roads all over my life to take, to not take.

I was discussing with family the other day about when I got better, what was different?

They knew immediately and I don't want to think that they are right, but they spoke the truth to me.

I just don't know what to do.

Psalm 6:6 NIV
New International Version

I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.

That's me......I'm worn out, not just my eyes from crying, my heart from no security.

I was listening to JM this morning, like I try to do every Monday all day......Listening to her talk about her years of abuse and how the best gift God ever gave her

was her husband who never waivers from who he is. He's stable, the same every day.

Someone who you know will wake up and be in the same mood every day, someone who says or does the same stuff with consistency.

I can't imagine someone in my life who is consistent. That's not just with men, but with anyone.

Consistent. Content.

Truthful. Honest.

Satisfied.

Truthful. Honest. Content. Satisfied.

Truthful. Honest. Content. Satisfied.

Truthful. Honest. Content. Satisfied.

Why does everything have to be so hard?

Well, the clocks about to strike 12

My coach turns into a pumpkin at midnight.

Nite.

Love,

Me

My Sweetest Oldest Friend

My heart is so heavy tonight...My best friend isn't doing so well. He's starting to lose bowel function and is going in the house every day now. He tried to get up tonight and couldn't. He couldn't get up the steps, now he can't go down the steps. He gets so short of breath and has tumors covering his body.

I want to tell him it's okay if he leaves me, that I'll be okay.....But, it won't be.

If he leaves this world, that's someone gone that I know that truly loves me. I have so few and well, losing him....He genuinely loves me, and I him.

When he got sick a couple of years ago, I remember standing out back at midnight looking up at the full moon and the stars twinkling in the sky. I begged God to give me a couple more years with him. God complied as He always does. I also asked God to never, ever put me in the position of having to have Opie put to sleep. To please let him die asleep, peacefully.

I couldn't take that guilt of not knowing if I did the right thing.

I don't want him to go.

I don't.

I got him after I moved out of shelter housing, Kyle and I first townhouse together. Kyle went and got him at the shelter, it was his last chance. He had been returned so many times. He ran off with Kyle's wallet and Kyle knew that was the dog I would want.

He came in and my heart instantly knew, that was *MY* dog. When I couldn't leave the house, he never left my side. He has raised my kids with me, kept me safe. Wagged his tail every time I have walked in the door.

He waits for me and I just don't know what I would do to not have him waiting for me anymore.

He'll have to wait with Jesus for me and my heart just can't take anymore break.

Pray for my sweet Opie, that his legs heal and that my Father take him in his sleep when it's his time.

Love,

Me

This week stinks

Sigh. I have had a few really annoying illnesses this past couple of weeks and I'm sad, frustrated and angry.

Chronic illness isn't any fun and it's really hard to get people to understand what you are going through.

It's funny because this morning I am struggling with dizziness again and I am pouring over my behavior as to what I have done now for God to punish me.

It's not a punishment, things just are.

I think about the thug next door, who is a seedy, evil spawn......Why isn't he dizzy? Mean people around me, why aren't they dizzy?

It all boils down to the "Why Me's?"

I have to keep telling myself that I am not being punished. God knew what He was getting when He chose me. This will pass.

I don't know what I can do to make things better. An air filter?? I tried that before, but the filters were almost as much as the air filter. I take allergy meds.......Maybe I should take them in the morning and the night?

I just want to be healthy. Have a healthy head and respiratory system....No inhalers, no pills. Have a healthy stomach, anything I put in my mouth makes me sick.

My appointment at the ENT is at 2 to have the epley manuever done. It doesn't take long, but the fear it produces while someone is holding your head down.......I just don't want to do it. I have to.

Fear stinks.

Have a great Wednesday.

Love,

Me

2 of my window critters =D

I need to catch the birdies, but I have gotten lucky catching these 2 so far =)

Love,

Me

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I claim that verse on my life. The thing I want more than anything in this world is Love. God is making sure I know what it is.

Every single part of that verse He deals with me on sometime or another.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Right now God is taking me through a couple more. The lucky 2 I get to deal with this season are self-seeking and easily angered.

I at one time wouldn't of pegged me for self-seeking, but I am being shown a lot of areas where I am very self-seeking. I watched JM about the very same thing and I watched the same episode a couple, few times.

I will go back and watch it a few more until I "get" it.

I love her "what about me?" segment she does and God has made sure that the right people are in my life to practice with. Oh boy did He ever!

I love how God keeps your eyes closed to things, until He wants you to deal with them, then it's like BLAM!

Oh and the easily angered..........Good grief.

Thank God for His never ending grace and forgiveness because my mouth alone would've been enough to get me nice and smited this month.

I am so grateful that I am forgiven. JM says that God already knows what comes out of your mouth before you said it. He knew what He was getting when He chose me.

He already knew =D

For that I am thankful.

I'm a work in progress and will be til the day I leave this earth.

The verses I have needed over the past couple of weeks and knew them without looking them up...I had to look the numbers up, but knew the verses =D (Go me!)

God disciplines those He loves Hebrews 12:6

You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. Matthew 7:5

Don't repay evil for evil. Don't retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it. 1 Peter 3:9

These have been HARDDDDDDDDDDD For me, but I KNEW Them =)

I think I'm finally moving up from a baby Christian to a child =) LOL

Love,

Me

I've kinda

lost my blogging rhythm as of late. Haven't been getting on the computer too much =)

My window still has busy things going by it =). My skink and yes I laid claims to the skink, well he stopped to sunbathe right outside my window!! I was so excited to see him for an extended period of time.

My yard is coming to life again and it's so nice! I don't think much more could make me happier unless I found a way to mow the grass myself, so I wouldn't have to fret over it every single week.

I have a bunch of black eyed susans coming up that my boyfriend planted last year and I think I'm most excited about seeing those again. Those are really one of my favorites. I remember driving down the highway once and saw them on the side of the road and I had to come home and research til I found out what they were!

My big night blooming jasmine is stressing me out a bit because she's so big and I have no idea what to do with her this winter. I would love it, if I could plant her in the ground and not have to worry about bringing her back in. My house is so small and she is a huge beastly thing.

I guess I'll love her again when she smells good.

Not much else to write cept spring is springing.

Love,

Me 8)

My Window

I moved my computer by my window and there is nothing outside there to look out except an old ugly fence that's about 2 feet from my nose. There's a concrete ledge out there and a bunch of dead ivy. I like to sit with my window open and look out and I found myself disappointed because it's so ugly.

God has given me quite a show with this window. It started with a family of skinks that go by, back and forth all day. I enjoyed watching them so much!! So, next comes a chipmunk that goes back and forth all day!!


I was so tickled with my skinks and my chipmunk, but today I saw a bright red male cardinal!! He stopped looked in and me and hopped along the ledge!!

I am a critter lover for sure and my ugly view and proven to be quite a nature trail!!

I'm so excited I hope more things run by, well cept a rat or mice, but I'm good with the other things!!

Silly things make me so happy!!

I'm over-joyed with my skink, my chipmunk and my card!!

=)

Love,

Me

So.....For the first time in years and years

I'm in LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE with a material possession..........A CAR!!!!!

I got a new car in 2011...Was so excited, my first new car. I have had nothing but trouble with it ever since. Today I took it back for the 6th time and they gave me a loaner car.........

It's a Chevy Cruze and OMG..........I want this car so bad!! I'm not a drooly person over cars and what nots, but I want this car!

It rides smooth, it's a beautiful blue color!

So weird being bonkers over a car, it's so not my style, but I absolutely LOVE this car!

I'm going to enjoy it for the weekend live it up for a bit and then give it back to them and get my always breaking down car back. Been mulling over asking them if they can give me a deal on an equal trade since they sold me a lemon. My car blue books about 9.500, so something equal value. Wish they would give me the loaner, but that's 5,000 more than my car.

Okay off my car wanting soap box, wish I had somewhere to go so I could drive it!!

Gotta take my mom to the Doctor in the morning, so I can Cruze =D

Have a great Thursday!!

Love,

me

Yup, Yup, Yup

“We're going to have to let truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us.” -Beth Moore.

Amen.

Love,

Me

Free

Free, just as free......free as we'll ever be

I listen to this song and it brings tears to my eyes.

I wasn't lucky enough to have a big wedding, a big fancy dress.....Nothing.  I hear this song and I want to get married to it.  On a big pasture of grass by a lake.

Yea, I still dream about weddings, I think most girls do.

Things are what they are.

So, no big updates as of late.  Still doing excellent on my diet, everyone's healthy.

My heart is sad and my spirit is broken, but God can fix those.

He amazes me every day with what He does.

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.   John 8:36

Free..Free...Free.....Free as I'll ever be.

I'm not addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling......I'm addicted to approval which I'm never, ever going to get.

Never, ever, ever in a million years going to get it.

God is setting me free =D I will be free indeed, I will be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, freeeeeeee as I'll ever be.

Spring has sprung, everythings coming to life and where I once felt dead inside is coming back to life.

No one can make my heart feel like God does.  I feel it again when it had been void.

Free.

Free.

Free.

Free.

Free.

Free.

Love,

Me

My Bloggety Blog Got a Makeover!!

My good friend Nisser Wisser Woo, gave my blog a nice face lift!! =D It looks beautiful =) Had to come post here and try not to mess anything up she did.

Annissa, I appreciate you soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much =) Thanks!!  Sweetest gal on the block!

Not much has been going on lately. 

U of L going to the big game Monday!! HOORAY!!  My brother had us all over yesterday to watch the game and we had a great time.

Nothing to complain about at all, just enjoying the weather and life.

Have a wonderful week!

Love,

Me

God is great =D

It's Holy Week =)

I am still waking up and reading my bible. This week I have read the gospel to align with Holy week and this morning I stopped right before the crucifixion. I know what happens, it still brings me to tears.

Yesterday I was watching The Passion of the Christ, sobbing and trying to put into perspective that if I, Me, I.......was the only person on the planet, he would've done that for me.

I have that overwhelming feeling lately of being un-loved and I think that God is trying to show me that He indeed does love me.

I can't grasp that and I don't feel that I deserve it. I had a long talk with God the other day about love. There are people in my life, old friends from church and such and I can totally see why God loves them. I can see why they are blessed, have lots of friends....... I get why God loves them.

Then I get to myself and it doesn't make much sense. I'm not as holy as those other people and on an hourly basis I am doing stuff wrong. There needs to be a bridge that connects that gap for me.

Maybe the answer lies in Jesus. Maybe he's that bridge.

God's been dangling a lot of opportunities with people in front of me. I say that I'm lonely and He puts people in my life, but I *choose* not to go that way and then I sit here again and pray for answers to my loneliness. I think He answers me. I think I reject those answers.

I try to turn to God and Jesus to fill my loneliness and as much as it pains me to say this, for whatever reason, it's never enough.

I think in human terms and I would do anything to avoid the pain that is inside of me.

I would rather hurt outside than feel that pain that surfaces up in my heart.

I really think that a change is coming and I'm not sure what it is. I'm starting to turn more of my life over to God once again and He has never given up on me. He takes nobodies and makes them somebodies.

He loves me too.

He loves me too.

He loves me too.

He loves me.

HE Loves me.

Have a wonderful Easter!

He has risen!!

=)

Love,

Me

Feeling Better =)

Actually feeling a lot better. My friend Melzie has been reminding me to read my bible in the mornings and I think I may of beat her on reading it this morning =) I love her!

My life has been taking funny, crazy, confusing twists lately.

I have been trying to stay off the computer a lot. In the evenings is really when I do my "computing", the weekends I have been taking breaks and .........Wow......What a difference. Getting out and seeing people I haven't seen in awhile. Funnily enough I have been asked on quite a few dates, which has been very good for my very low self esteem. It's just weird the twists my life is taking.

It's like God is showing me a glimpse of my life before I started back on the computer. It's really drawing me to pull back more. Seems I get hurt a lot on the old mechanical box and feel a lot of guilt.

When I'm away, my life is different. I have plans for Saturday, going to think about plans for Sunday and I need to work on the weekday evenings more.

=D

I can honestly say right now I feel happiness again.

Yesterday I felt a bit of heartache when someone told me I was keeping them from a "best friend".......Mind you their best friend repeatedly ignored me.....embarrassed me a bit when I tried to openly talk to them and yet still ignored me again. But that behavior against me is okay........I tried to be their friend, then crapped on me, but I get the guilt trip about it.

I was glad it only bothered me for about 30 minutes and other things started happening and I see that I'm not wrong on it, I deserve to be treated well and respected and if someone misses those who treated me badly.........Go back to them.

Not going to carry around anymore guilt.

I read Romans 8 yesterday to remind me of promises and remind me that there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ.

I'm going to be okay, I feel it =D

I'm worth it.

Oh and I lost almost 12 lbs =D I feel so much better about myself.

Have a great happy Day and MELLLLLZZIEEEEEEEEEEE I read Psalms this morning, I did it, I did it!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS My Melzie is the best friend a girl could ever have, she's my God connection. She sent me a statue of what she calls her and me. I keep it right on my dresser so I can see it. That's me and her playing Scrabble and talking. That's her speaking truth into my life that I never want to hear, but I know she's right.

I don't know what I would ever do without her!!

Love,

Moi =D

Tonight I Wanna Cry

So, my ex husband strikes again.

He punishes me for not loving him, by using my daughter against me.

For months he has known about a 3 day trip away from home (on my days of course)........No one ever asked my permission or told me.

He said, she said she told me.

That should've come from him. I should've been asked.

There was a meeting tonight to find out all the stuff about the trip, she isn't allowed to bring her back pack to my house......I had no clue about the meeting.

That's information I should be in on, not his wife.

No one even asked me. 3 days on her first trip away from home, after all that's happened to her......I'm not even asked, not even told.

Over and over again this happens.

I really wanted family dinners, I begged him and begged him to bring her over hungry. For 3 months I cooked dinner and every time she was over, he would say that she had already eaten.

No wonder I stopped trying, I shouldn't have to fight for things like this.

Not everyone thinks like me.

Puts up that fake front he does. I'm a hell of a guy.

Oh and I'm the crap weasel........every time.

Me, I'm the bad guy. Every time.

No wonder I never leave my room, I lose before I even walk out the door.

Nite.

Love,

Me

Wednesday

Randomness of thoughts, what ifs?

What good do they do?

What if I had a chance to do things over? What would I change? Can I still change things? Would I have the courage?

What if my life as I knew it was flashing in front of my eyes?

What if I had a terminal illness and my own mortality was staring me right in my face?

Would I be sitting in this chair writing this blog or even thinking about the internet?

No.

What if I would have found God earlier and my marriage as in shambles as it was could've been saved?

What would I be doing today? Where would I be living?

What if I would've went to school and became the nurse that I wanted to be?

What hospital would I be working at?

What if I would've found God early, early in my life just before all of the bad stuff?

Would it of mentally screwed me up so bad?

What if my dad would've never married Mary?

Would I be over there visiting him right now and having the dad I have always longed for?

What if my mom would've never married David?

Would I of learned that not everyone is a crap weasel and been able to trust people.

What if Juan (big)never hit me?

Would I like people being physically close to me? Not wanting everyone to stay away?

40 years of what ifs and just a lot of sadness in my heart. So many people around me sick with cancer. Only a handful are mild, the rest are life altering, life taking cancers.

So much pain and suffering going on and I think all of them would trade places with me in a heartbeat and here I waste the time I have. I'm not promised a tomorrow and if my life were to be taken suddenly tomorrow all I can think about is how much time I wasted. Computer, worrying, cleaning.

Time not spent where it really matters...

Smelling the flowers, enjoying sunsets and sunrises, the sound of laughter, painting, taking pictures.

Praying and praying.

Love and loving.

Oh and my grandbaby melts my heart away.

Love

Me