It's Holy Week =)

I am still waking up and reading my bible. This week I have read the gospel to align with Holy week and this morning I stopped right before the crucifixion. I know what happens, it still brings me to tears.

Yesterday I was watching The Passion of the Christ, sobbing and trying to put into perspective that if I, Me, I.......was the only person on the planet, he would've done that for me.

I have that overwhelming feeling lately of being un-loved and I think that God is trying to show me that He indeed does love me.

I can't grasp that and I don't feel that I deserve it. I had a long talk with God the other day about love. There are people in my life, old friends from church and such and I can totally see why God loves them. I can see why they are blessed, have lots of friends....... I get why God loves them.

Then I get to myself and it doesn't make much sense. I'm not as holy as those other people and on an hourly basis I am doing stuff wrong. There needs to be a bridge that connects that gap for me.

Maybe the answer lies in Jesus. Maybe he's that bridge.

God's been dangling a lot of opportunities with people in front of me. I say that I'm lonely and He puts people in my life, but I *choose* not to go that way and then I sit here again and pray for answers to my loneliness. I think He answers me. I think I reject those answers.

I try to turn to God and Jesus to fill my loneliness and as much as it pains me to say this, for whatever reason, it's never enough.

I think in human terms and I would do anything to avoid the pain that is inside of me.

I would rather hurt outside than feel that pain that surfaces up in my heart.

I really think that a change is coming and I'm not sure what it is. I'm starting to turn more of my life over to God once again and He has never given up on me. He takes nobodies and makes them somebodies.

He loves me too.

He loves me too.

He loves me too.

He loves me.

HE Loves me.

Have a wonderful Easter!

He has risen!!

=)

Love,

Me

Feeling Better =)

Actually feeling a lot better. My friend Melzie has been reminding me to read my bible in the mornings and I think I may of beat her on reading it this morning =) I love her!

My life has been taking funny, crazy, confusing twists lately.

I have been trying to stay off the computer a lot. In the evenings is really when I do my "computing", the weekends I have been taking breaks and .........Wow......What a difference. Getting out and seeing people I haven't seen in awhile. Funnily enough I have been asked on quite a few dates, which has been very good for my very low self esteem. It's just weird the twists my life is taking.

It's like God is showing me a glimpse of my life before I started back on the computer. It's really drawing me to pull back more. Seems I get hurt a lot on the old mechanical box and feel a lot of guilt.

When I'm away, my life is different. I have plans for Saturday, going to think about plans for Sunday and I need to work on the weekday evenings more.

=D

I can honestly say right now I feel happiness again.

Yesterday I felt a bit of heartache when someone told me I was keeping them from a "best friend".......Mind you their best friend repeatedly ignored me.....embarrassed me a bit when I tried to openly talk to them and yet still ignored me again. But that behavior against me is okay........I tried to be their friend, then crapped on me, but I get the guilt trip about it.

I was glad it only bothered me for about 30 minutes and other things started happening and I see that I'm not wrong on it, I deserve to be treated well and respected and if someone misses those who treated me badly.........Go back to them.

Not going to carry around anymore guilt.

I read Romans 8 yesterday to remind me of promises and remind me that there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ.

I'm going to be okay, I feel it =D

I'm worth it.

Oh and I lost almost 12 lbs =D I feel so much better about myself.

Have a great happy Day and MELLLLLZZIEEEEEEEEEEE I read Psalms this morning, I did it, I did it!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS My Melzie is the best friend a girl could ever have, she's my God connection. She sent me a statue of what she calls her and me. I keep it right on my dresser so I can see it. That's me and her playing Scrabble and talking. That's her speaking truth into my life that I never want to hear, but I know she's right.

I don't know what I would ever do without her!!

Love,

Moi =D

Tonight I Wanna Cry

So, my ex husband strikes again.

He punishes me for not loving him, by using my daughter against me.

For months he has known about a 3 day trip away from home (on my days of course)........No one ever asked my permission or told me.

He said, she said she told me.

That should've come from him. I should've been asked.

There was a meeting tonight to find out all the stuff about the trip, she isn't allowed to bring her back pack to my house......I had no clue about the meeting.

That's information I should be in on, not his wife.

No one even asked me. 3 days on her first trip away from home, after all that's happened to her......I'm not even asked, not even told.

Over and over again this happens.

I really wanted family dinners, I begged him and begged him to bring her over hungry. For 3 months I cooked dinner and every time she was over, he would say that she had already eaten.

No wonder I stopped trying, I shouldn't have to fight for things like this.

Not everyone thinks like me.

Puts up that fake front he does. I'm a hell of a guy.

Oh and I'm the crap weasel........every time.

Me, I'm the bad guy. Every time.

No wonder I never leave my room, I lose before I even walk out the door.

Nite.

Love,

Me

Wednesday

Randomness of thoughts, what ifs?

What good do they do?

What if I had a chance to do things over? What would I change? Can I still change things? Would I have the courage?

What if my life as I knew it was flashing in front of my eyes?

What if I had a terminal illness and my own mortality was staring me right in my face?

Would I be sitting in this chair writing this blog or even thinking about the internet?

No.

What if I would have found God earlier and my marriage as in shambles as it was could've been saved?

What would I be doing today? Where would I be living?

What if I would've went to school and became the nurse that I wanted to be?

What hospital would I be working at?

What if I would've found God early, early in my life just before all of the bad stuff?

Would it of mentally screwed me up so bad?

What if my dad would've never married Mary?

Would I be over there visiting him right now and having the dad I have always longed for?

What if my mom would've never married David?

Would I of learned that not everyone is a crap weasel and been able to trust people.

What if Juan (big)never hit me?

Would I like people being physically close to me? Not wanting everyone to stay away?

40 years of what ifs and just a lot of sadness in my heart. So many people around me sick with cancer. Only a handful are mild, the rest are life altering, life taking cancers.

So much pain and suffering going on and I think all of them would trade places with me in a heartbeat and here I waste the time I have. I'm not promised a tomorrow and if my life were to be taken suddenly tomorrow all I can think about is how much time I wasted. Computer, worrying, cleaning.

Time not spent where it really matters...

Smelling the flowers, enjoying sunsets and sunrises, the sound of laughter, painting, taking pictures.

Praying and praying.

Love and loving.

Oh and my grandbaby melts my heart away.

Love

Me

Not just a quote from a movie

“For if you suffer your people to be ill-educated, and their manners to be corrupted from their infancy, and then punish them for those crimes to which their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded from this, but that you first make thieves and then punish them.”
― Thomas More, Utopia

I have been thinking about this quote for a few years. I didn't read it in Utopia, I heard it in a movie, "Ever after." It hits close to home with me, not because I am a theif, but because of insecurity.

People since birth have made me insecure, people find ways to do it now.....Then, I am punished for what they have made me to be.

It's kind of sad really, but true.

I keep waiting for God to change me and it never comes.

I don't like being insecure at all manipulation does that over time. You find yourself not talking, not emailing because no one listens to what your say or you are told it's not important.

As before I say it again, being hit was easier than words. Words can't leave my mind and I can't forget them as hard as I try.

Words since I was 9 still affect me, I wish I were someone else.

Someone important.

Trying to make myself believe I'm important to anyone, even God.

Just not happening.

I finally slept good. Had an amazing dream.....oh well.

Love,

Me

Wed Nes Day

Well, I was .2 oz shy of a 5 lb loss this week YAY!!!

Today I cleaned a house allllllllllllll day, then came home and did my own. I earned lots of activity points today =D

Things are going good, just a wee bit depressed. Not really circumstantial, just weather related. It has rained too much, it's too cold. I need some sunshine and some pool weather =D

Points are going well. I almost stopped writing stuff down yesterday, but I have to be disciplined enough to write that down because that's pivotal with WW. I'm not going to slack, it doesn't take that long. The first week is always the biggest loss, so I can't wait to see what next week holds.

I need to tweak it some because I'm not using extra points and that makes it a lil tricky.

Switching out laundry and going to relax the rest of the evening.

Tomorrow I'm taking on my laundry room!

Have a great week!

Love,

Me

Monday!

Closing out my first FULL week on WW today. I didn't dip into any of my extra points at all. I need to dip into them b/c when I go down on points, I'm going to want them. I weigh in, in the morning and I'm so excited =D I feel thinner if that makes sense.

I have been journaling every food I put into my mouth, I have been writing EVERYTHING down.

I'm doing well, thanks to God for the discipline!

Even if I haven't lost any tomorrow, I'm going to keep on trudging on because I know I can do this. Just a matter of tweaking it.

=)

Went to Heine brothers this morning for coffee, I'm finding decaf Dunkin Doughnuts is my fav over all of them and my mom bought me a bag this morning. It's like heaven. I am on my 3rd cup of coffee this morning. Good thing none of it has caffiene or I'd be bouncing off the ceiling.

Also went looking at antiques today, that was interesting and we were having a good time til I reminded my mom that we were in an old funeral home and the basement we were in probably embalmed bodies lol! She got the hell out of dodge after that =D ha!

Pulled all my appliances out in my kitchen, washed down walls and hand scrubbed the floor in there.

Taking a bit of a break and then heading back to make a plan for the laundry room

Hope you have a happy Monday!!

=D

Love me

My go around w/ WW

Well, I don't want to jinx myself..........WW is going really well! My frame of mind is right, I'm doing it =D!

The only problem I'm having is not being able to eat all my points. I haven't even used the extra ones and I'm left with the same 6 points left over every night. I have to find a way to eat those last 6.

I am going to weight myself on Tuesday because that's when I started at it full force no mess ups.

I'm excited, thanks to God for giving me the right frame of mind back!!!

He's awesome!!

Have a great weekend!

LOve,

me

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt

I hide in a fake world a lot of the time. When I'm out of it, I face reality and a lot of denial.

I do okay for awhile, but then the same stuff comes up.

One phrase someone says puts me back into reality.

Something as simple as I will go to this Dr. for the rest of my life.

Seems simple enough.

It's not when you are waiting for someone to be where you are.

Really made me depressed and insecure once again.

I just keep hoping and praying and then I wake up a week later and nothing is any closer.

No words spoken to make me believe things are ever going to be different than they are now.

Then a year passes and everything is the same once again.

I'm in denial. Sad because I love him, but if I can't share the real world with him,

what's the point? Especially when the nothing about the fake world is fun anymore.

I keep praying. I keep praying.....I keep praying.

Wonder if the lack of an answer, is the answer.

We will see one year from now, If I'm at the same desk, in the same room, saying the same thing. Waiting the same wait.

"I don't know why you are so insecure?" "How can I change your feelings?"

Gee, I really have no idea why I'm so insecure.

None.

I see it as just not being enough.

Not being enough makes one insecure.

Off to enjoy the real world and maybe see some real people.

Love,

Me

Tick Tock

Today is day 1..........We'll see how it goes.

Wish me luck.

Day 1 of what you ask?

You will see in time.

Love,

Me

I'm Somewhere In Middle

I have pneumonia again, so I have some down time lately. Time to do some thinking, real thinking, real soul searching.

I'm a bit down, not sure if it's because of SAD, or just because I'm where I never thought I'd be again.

I look back at past images of me and I think, that's not me. Who is that girl?

I put on the same shoes that girl wore. I have new ones sitting in my closet, but can't seem to wear them. That would mean accepting the girl I am now and I'm not quite ready to do that.

Kyle used to get so angry and so jealous of Vick back when we were married. He always thought that I was head over heels for Vick and it caused a lot of problems for us.

What he didn't know or realize is that I didn't miss Vick at all and it wasn't really about Vick...It was about me. I missed who I was when I was with Vick. I missed me.

I guess the same concept now, but with God. I have back slid so far that I have my nails dug in the cliff trying to hang on to anything and I'm not even sure what I'm hanging onto.

I pulled some baskets out from under my bed and like the shoes, memories of who I was.

All my old books I read when I was newly a Christian, bible studies, inspirational quotes.

I looked at them and I'm really not sure what happened. I know there's a whole lot of self and sin in there and I really do miss God. I still pray every night and keep contact with God, but nothing is the same.

I open the books to read them and I find papers and things of that life and I maybe am mourning that life that I had. I want it back, but I'm so far gone and I know the things I have to give up to get it back. All that stuff I did, the way my life turned around.....The joy in my heart I felt almost on a daily basis. I miss it.

I miss it bad. I keep waiting for something big to happen to pull me one way or the other and nothing is going to fall from the sky and make things right. I have to go on my own.

Therefore I'm stuck in the middle.

Love,

Dianna

YAY for my birthday this year!!

I'm soooooooooooo excited!! My boyfriend put to have my birthday off this year and he is going to come see me ONNNNNNNNNNN My actual birthday!!

I'm so excited I could cry.

Things have been going so well lately for us and it's such a nice change.

I keep praying and praying for us to make it.

I have a date on my birthday!!!!! Hooray!!

Love,

Me

What a month this has been

I'm glad I had so much Christmas cheer in November because wow, what a strange sad month this has been.

After the killings in Connecticut, I have been searching everywhere for answers as to why this happened.

I read comments from people about God and why did God let this happen and where was God.

This offends me and I asked why certainly, but I have never wavered from the belief that God is good.


Isaiah 55:8-9

New International Version (NIV)

8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

I forget so often what I learned in redemption group that God writes our life stories, we do not write our own.

It's His story, not ours. We were created for Him.

I have listened to quite a few sermons over the past few days and they all help reassure that God has a plan.

Isaiah 45:9

What sorrow awaits those who argue with their Creator. Does a clay pot argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying, 'Stop, you're doing it wrong!' Does the pot exclaim, 'How clumsy can you be?'

He knows what He is doing.

I listened to a sermon earlier about the real Christmas story. How Jesus was born into a dark world. He didn't arrive in a fancy kingdom of gold. He was born in a barn, with cows, sheep and mules. His bed was hay.

Herod was jealous because he heard the new king was born and had all the infant boys slaughtered.

Jesus is our light in this dark world.

Christmas is about him. It's not about money or having gifts to open, he was the best gift ever to be given.

Forgiven, the bridge that connects us to God. No more sacrifices, no more offerings....Just pure forgiveness that so many find so hard to believe.

Through Christ. He is the doorway.

I love God more now than ever and trust that He has a plan and has already walked this road before us. He knows where we are headed and has made our paths straight.

Merry Christmas.

Love,

Dianna

A Divine Intervention

A divine intervention for a very lonely sad girl today.

Me.

God knows most what I need, when I need it.

I have had an awful day and I am completely alone. There's no one for me to talk to. tears have flowed, pain has surfaced largely in my broken heart.

The pain my heart feels right now, I can't even express. I hurt deeply, I needed someone. No one was to be found. Just me.

I was getting out of the shower and had my phone next to the tub. I had no touched it in over 20 minutes. Nothing was laying against it, nothing touching it.

I hear music and at first I think it's coming from outside and then realize, it's coming from my phone.

I pick it up and hear Aerosmith I don't want to miss a thing and I go to my room to lay down and I feel Bretts presence like he was with me in the room and then the song he played specifically for me at his funeral came on.

I didn't touch it, I didn't play it, I didn't even move my ipod.

It's this song



He was letting me know he was here with me. There's no other explaining how that happened.

He knew I was alone and how bad my heart hurt.

God, I wish he was still here. I miss him so much. He was my best friend. The song says it all, he's watching over me.

Very nice because he knew how much I really needed someone today. Still in awe and wonder how that happened.

I love him.

Love,

Me.

Fork in the Road

When you are standing at a crossroads in your life, how do you choose the direction your life takes?

Living in a world 30% of the time that isn't real, my escape.

My dreams are down one path, uncertainty down the other.

Adventure sometimes wants to choose the uncertainty and hang on by the seat of my pants.

Reality sets in and I sometimes want to take the other road where things are real.

Things are touchable, things are seen.

Some of my dreams have already gone down the toilet leaving me with a certain amount of resentment. I should put that anger on myself because I believed in empty promises.

Life seems as if it's a series of empty promises. Snow on Monday, Storms on Saturday.....Sunshine maybe on Tuesday. No certainty........Just a promise of snow that usually doesn't happen.

I wish I could hire someone out to direct my life. I'm supposed to let God be in control of that and all I come up with is confusion and God speaks to my heart and He says "If you are confused, child it's not My answer."

Maybe it's not His answer, maybe it's just the smallest part of hope in my heart that wants to believe.

Time passes, I still am, where I am. You know watching the Titanic, one line always sticks with me. Where the older Rose picks up the mirror that the men collected from the bottom of the ocean. She looks in it and says "This was mine. How extraordinary! And it looks the same as it did last time I saw it... The reflection's changed a bit."

That's how I feel. Every year I look in that mirror, the reflection changes, but nothing else does.

Ramblings that really mean nothing.

Jibbey Jobbey as my aunt calls it.

Jibbey, Jobbey.

Love,

Me

Expecting Too Much

The title says it all. My therapist and I had a long discussion about how I expect too much from people in my life. They can't deliver therefore it sets me up to be disappointed.

I thought about this a lot over the past week, it was put to the test over the past few days and he is very correct.

I'm sad in some ways, relieved in others.

I didn't realize how much I expected of others, they simply cannot be something they aren't.

This isn't casting a negative light on any of them, it's just opening eyes on my part.

My view of things are sometimes so distorted.

People cannot be, what they are not.

I was sad last night and want so badly out of the messes I am in. I cry out a lot for God to just take me, but He won't. He's gonna make me go through this big jumbled up mess I am because He knows I can.

Wish it didn't take so long.

I'm tired, but I am learning quite a bit.

I expected too much.

Pressures off.

Love,

Me

My Mind

Yesterday I went to the Dr. Sinus infection, possible strep, congested lungs......I didn't feel good then, I didn't feel good today.

I'm tired and I slept til noon and even had a hard time getting out of bed then. My throat feels like I swallowed razor blades and my mind won't let me sit...

A typical day in my mind and the actions that follow.......

Oh crap I slept late, I have to take my ulcer medicine 1 hour before I eat, 4 hours before my iron, 2 hours before my antibiotics.........I need to write this crap down.

I have a headache, did I take Tylenol when taking my arsenal of meds?

Crap, my head still hurts did I take it? Crap. Crap. Crap.

Savannah's coming over tonight I need to change her sheets and clean her room.

God my throat hurts.

If I don't get this laundry done, it will pile up and there's no where to put it.

Crap, did I put the wrong things in the recycle bin, it's cold out, I need to go check the recycle bin.

It's Wednesday, did I remember to put the trash out last night?

I need to go in the living room and look at the floor for things Opie can trip over and things Troy can put in his mouth.

Crap, I hope I picked everything up.

Damn, dogs need to go out. Okay.......You forgot to close the dryer door, hurry and get the dogs out and finish.....

Frick Opie fell down the stairs, I knew I shouldn't of been rushing the dogs.

Is he okay? Will he be okay? Crap.

Crap, I forgot to turn the washer on when I closed the dryer door.

I want a smoothie, but that means I'll have to wash the dishes. Well, maybe I can leave the dishes just this once.

This smoothie is helping me throat, but I can't sit here and enjoy it because I left the blender in my sink.

Ugh, that blender is in my sink and I'm about to cry because I don't want to wash it.

Phew I feel better now that the blender is washed, but now my smoothie has melted and needs to go in the freezer.

Crap, the dogs are out of food and water again, I need to fill their bowl .

My throat hurts, I wonder if I took Tylenol already?

Okay, dogs are fed, what was I doing?

Oh yea the Christmas tree needs to be watered.

Crap, I never put my smoothie in the freezer.

Tylenol?

I need to dust Savannahs room so her allergies don't act up.

Can someone help me rearrange Savannahs room because I can't lift this stuff?

Okay let me do it my self.

Crap, my back hurts. Did I take tylenol?

It's time to eat, I need to count my points and take my iron, but wait........I can't take it with my antibiotics and I have to wait 2 hours before and after.......Screw it, I'm taking it anyways.

I'm taking Tylenol too, if I'm gonna die from taking iron and antibiotics might as well take the Tylenol and go down with a sore throat.

Did I eat lunch?

My mouth still tastes like smoothie, so maybe I didn't eat.

Did I feed the dogs?

Tylenol?

Tylenol???

Tylenol????

I need a shower.

x.x

My mind wears me out.

Video

This is a video going around Facebook and I tell you what, it made me bawl like a baby.

My heart filled up with an absolute love for my Savior. I can't even put into words how much I love Jesus.

I love the fact that I now understand what Christmas carols mean, it brings tears to my eyes to think of Jesus coming to this earth.

I love Christmas.

I love Jesus.

I love God.

Love,

Me

I am thankful for God

I am thankful so much to God. No matter how badly I behave, He gives me gifts all the time.

I am blown away at times at His kindness towards me, no matter how badly I behave. I am far off my path from where I was in my walk with Him, but He never ceases to amaze me with His amazing love for me.

I am so very thankful that He chose me, I am very thankful that He had endless amounts of love for me and shows me grace that goes above and beyond what I could ever ask for.

I'm thankful for everything in my life, but none of that would be possible without Him.

Gives me strength I never knew I had, leads me in the right way, nudges me to look deeper into myself and see my worth.

Shows me I deserve everything and it is attainable through Him.

He makes my heart full, He makes my mouth smile..........

He is awesome.

He is my Father.

Have a great Thanksgiving.

Love,

Me

Well, it's been awhile

My friend Melzie made the kindest post on my wall about missing my blogs and has been giving me a gentle nudge to post.

I have sat down a few times to post, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm trying today and on a day when my heart is so broken all I can write is .....

Love rejoices with the truth.

She'd trade Colorado if he'd take her with him
Closes the door before the winter lets the cold in,
And wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay,
She's answered by the tail lights
Shining through the window pane

He said I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better

Can I call you then

She said you're ramblin' man
You ain't ever gonna change
You gotta gypsy soul to blame
And you were born for leavin'


Happy Thanksgiving.

Love,

Me