Baby Steps

I really made a HUGE leap tonight. I had some stuff up in my closet, in a box.

Old memories, old notes, old cards.....etc.

It was very hard taking the step to take them from their places to put them in the box. I remember doing it, crying...touching each card, reading each word. Looking at all the things, the pictures...

Tonight without any tears, I was able to throw the box away =)

No tears, no sadness...I FELT NOTHING and it felt fantastic!!!

That was a HUGE step for me. You have no idea.

I prayed for so long for the strength.

Another prayer answered!!

Praise God!! =)

Decorating for Christmas tomorrow YAY!!

Love,

~me

Happy Thanksgiving

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. It was nice to have a day off =) FROM everything! I even took the day off from the gym!!

Ate lots of good food and saw family YAY!!

So thankful for my family and friends and most of all I'm thankful for God and His love.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Him...so very, very much.

He's the best ever!!

Life is so good!

~me

Blank

I think that's a good word. Blank.

That's me these days. Blank.

I don't know what God's doing in my life. I have not the foggiest idea and I know He's the master of taking a mess and making it something, but I feel like I have been wiped clean and not the way I felt "clean" when I was baptized.

Am I growing? I believe so. Almost all remnants of my old life with the exception of a few same faces are gone. Memories gone too. It's in the past. Leave it.

I had to think 5 minutes to remember something about Elmer other than flowers. I drew blanks...I could think of nothing about Brett. All I remember of Kyle is how angry he was/is.

Blank. I don't know why and even worse...I don't care. I was on the world's biggest pity pot and I see now...Who cares? I don't want sympathy, I don't want understanding, I don't want anything from anyone.

That's my headspace. Anything I used to like, I don't. Flowers, but that's it. Chocolate, I haven't had it in 7-8 weeks nd I don't even miss it. Food...Don't miss it.

All I want to do is run. The only time I feel like I'm feeling anything, is when I'm running. Not running from things, actually physical running. Five days a week isn't enough for me. I see now why Forest ran when Jennie left him. I totally understand that part of the movie now.

People who are/were mean........Who cares. They aren't going to change and sitting around moping or complaining about them not changing isn't going to make them change. I'm fed up, sick of going around the same mountain over and over.

Realizing letting go actually means letting go. Not hanging on to remnants of this or that....Past is the past, leave it and move forward. I hung onto Brett for years and what did it do? Did it bring him back? Nope. It wasn't wrong to miss him at all, because I do miss him, but I hung on too long.

I feel like God Control, Alt, Deleted my brain. Nothing is the same and I have no idea what's going on. Maybe I hit my head harder than I thought in the wreck.

My chalkboard erased and I have nooooooooo clue where it's headed.

Submit, submit, submit because nothing can be done about anything anyways.

Life is complicated. It always will be. 38 years of wishing it were different isn't going to make it different. My life is what it is. Complicated...So, just shut up and live it.

That's what I say to myself now. The big leaf battle this year, 5 hours into raking I started to feel sorry for myself. Immediately I say to myself..."Shut up and do it. You whining about it in your head isn't going to get the leaves up, so shut up and pick the things up and move on."

Wishing is useless. Absolutely useless.

It doesn't change anything.

Happy whatever day it is.

Love,

~me

Thought of something now LOL

After I posted all that, I went and read some of my posts from the last couple of years.....I have so many mixed emotions about my old posts.

One thing stood out at me and I didn't see back then, how truly angry I was. I read and think, 'Did I write that?'

I am ashamed at some of the things I wrote and I'm not sure if I should delete them or keep them there as a reminder of how far I have come.

My aunt Carol pointed out to me the progress I have made and I have said a few times, "I really don't see it."

I see it now.

God delivered me from that complete and total mess I was in. I couldn't see how angry I was til I was removed from all that chaos, then I had to heal.

Man...I must've been unbearable to live with. I'm sad for my kids because they had to put up with me when I was like that. I thank God so much for helping me mature and change my heart. Very little of that anger is left in my heart and with every situation that happens, God sifts it out.

He is the Potter, I am the clay.

I am just sitting here crying at who I have become and from what. Nothing short of a miracle.

I said some pretty awful things to a whole lot of people and I misdirected my anger at so many.

Wow. Wow.

No wonder my self confidence was so low. I didn't like that girl.

I almost feel sorry for me back then, I was so lost.

All that hurt, all that pain and I didn't know my healer.

I can not tell you how thankful I am for God changing me.

I'm finally who I really am.

Thank you, thank you, thank you God!!

I'm in awe at the progress I've made.

Love,

~Dianna

Hi.

I have started to blog a few times and I just can't think of anything to say.

Today is the first day I have had off in ages and at the end of it I think how boring it is just sitting at home.

I went and had an awesome workout this morning. That's about it.

Tomorrow a friend invited me over, so I'm gonna go hang out. Tomorrow afternoon is Juan's birthday dinner.

Savannah and I have been praying about things people might forget to pray for sometimes. It's cute. We prayed for all the clowns on the earth, she prayed for all the bugs in the world...Cereal makers, stray dogs. Cute, cute. I love her so very much and wish I didn't have to share her.

Well, I guess I'm out of here.

Have a great evening =) <3

Love,

Me <3

So...

Yea, so I have a son with problems. Anxiety, panic, mood swings, severe depression. He has had a fear of school since kindergarten. Every year a constant battle to get him to go. He has been in the hospital, on meds.

People tend to blame me for this, saying I'm not an effective parent because I can't force him to go. That I'm just letting him get away with it.

I wish people would just either spend a day with a child who has a mental illness or shut up.

No one listens to me. Ever. Everyone just thinks they know best, when in reality I have been doing this for 15 years, I know exactly what I'm doing. I know what makes it better, I know what makes it worse.

I also know that I'm tired.

About a month ago, he retreated to his bed and wouldn't get up for 4 days unless it was to curse me out, pee or eat. This time since Wednesday of last week he hasn't been to school. They put him on all new meds which made him worse and then they tell me there's nothing they can do. He's angry at me and taking it all out on me. Suprise there, I'm everyones freaking punching bag.

I honestly don't know if I can go on. I keep looking for God in all of this and I can't find Him. It's one of those times where I am trying and trying with any strength I have to hold onto faith.

I can't express to you in words how exhausted I am. I'm tired of taking the brunt of his anger, I'm tired of everyone thinking they know better and they don't have a clue what I have been through or what he's going through.

He's not a brat, he's sick.

God, where are you? Why can't I see you in any of this? What did I do so wrong to deserve this for so many years? What good can come from this? I know I don't deserve help, but you promise that anything asked in your sons name shall be given.

I ask for help and You promise it. Where is it?

Pray please, I honestly could just throw myself on the floor and not get up. I'm that tired.

I don't wanna do this anymore.

~Di

Yea....So I miss summer...

Summer is officially gone and well...I'm a bit sad over it. I had a really good summer.
I miss my flowers, I miss taking pictures of them. I miss watering them. I miss when the seeds were growing and becoming flowers.
I need to look for the positive in fall, find the blessings and good things about winter.
Wahhhhhhhh! I don't wanna!
I have all my summer plants indoors, so that's kinda cool. Snow is cool. There are other cool things, like holidays I suppose...
I just really miss working in my yard.
The pic above was just taken about 3 weeks ago. The last blooms on my night blooming jasmine. I miss that smell.
Hope everyone is doing well.
Happy Fall =) Time changes this weekend.

Love,

~Me

Heading in the right direction

So, this morning bit the dust quite quickly.

I'm exhausted, but I'm not functioning by my own strength, I'm functioning on the strength of the one who made me.

You ever get those feelings where your mind is going in 100 different directions? You are trying to think of solutions to problems, you are sad because you don't know what to do with the problem? I was there this morning. My mind was going crazy, I was crying...upset. I got in my car and turned to go down this long road. As I was driving I look closely at the road. The telephone poles because of the position of the sun are all perfectly made crucifixes lying before me. One right after the other.

In the midst of all the confusion running around in my head not knowing what direction to take...Seeing those and listening as I hear God say "Just keep following me."

He showed me my path and the only way I need to go is on His path. He showed me the way. A reminder from a simple telephone pole to go His way.

Taking Him up on His offer I gave Him all my troubles today. I surrendered them quicker this time and I'm going to take my joy back. The thief isn't getting my happiness today.

How long will it take before I full grasp that I can fix nothing? I can't fix this. Not even a little.

A shadow on the road was all it took for me to remember I'm on the right path. Keep following God and things will work out. Stay and don't give up. This too shall pass.

Amen.

Happy Thursday.

Dianna

Light

Psalm 147:4

He determines the number of the stars and He calls them each by name.

Stars are amazing. These beautiful specks of light on a black sky that twinkle and show off their light to any who decide to look up.

When a star gets exhausted and dies......Well, it becomes a black hole.

Sometimes I fear my heart is like this. People come into my life and they shine so brightly, light up my life...Then as always...They go away. I have so many black holes in my heart, places where all the light that shined so brightly........gone.

Last night I was laying in bed thinking about some of these holes in my heart. I felt the tears coming down my face and just felt so empty inside.

I get even afraid that God will leave me. Maybe He will find out who I truly am. Maybe He will see what all these others did that left me and leave me too. Maybe He will find someone better than me and just hang on to me until He does.

I know it's promised that He won't ever leave me. I try to drill this truth in my head over and over, but I keep coming back to all the people who promised all these things and now left holes in my heart.

His promises aren't empty and without meaning.

His promises are true and real.

God isn't human. God isn't like those people. God's not a liar, He's not a user, He's not a cheater.....He's God.

Wishing that He would take those feelings away isn't helping. Obviously I have to learn to work through them and find and believe the truth in them. Faith. Faith. Faith.

God can fill all my black holes with light if I let Him. I don't and I can't by myself. As I was crying last night, I told Him again and again, I can NOT do this alone. I can't.

Feels like sometimes I do everything as a Christian wrong. Maybe that's the point, I'm supposed to do it all wrong. No one gets it right.

God won't leave me. He won't. I feel like one slip up and He will say "I'm out of here, this chick so isn't worth it." But He won't.

He won't.
He won't.
He won't.

That would be one black hole I couldn't fill.

Jesus totally is the light of this world. I wish I could've known Him and walked with Him. Wish I could've ran behind Him, just to touch his cloak.

John 8:12
12When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."

He is the total light in my life. How great He truly is.

How Great Thou Art

O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.


Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!


When through the woods, and forest glades I wander,
And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees.
When I look down, from lofty mountain grandeur
And see the brook, and feel the gentle breeze.


Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!


And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing;
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin.


Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!


When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,
And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"


Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!


Happy Saturday.

Love,

Me

A few pics =)

My sweet baby doggy =D His tumors are getting bigger. I wish they'd disappear.

My son left and his good friend Jessie. They are on the football team together. Jessie went all over God's great green earth with us this weekend.
The wall they climbed and I used to climb it when I was their age, so that's kinda cool =)

Happy Tuesday!

Love,

Dianna

Psalm 23:1 The LORD is my shepherd

Psalm 23:1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want

Today a rest period after 3 straight weeks of being gone. I literally most days was only at my house to sleep. I haven't had much of a chance to spend with God at all. We had our little exchanges in the car and I haven't missed church...But, church and I have been disconnected the past couple of weeks.

Bible study has become my God time where not only do we study the word, my aunt and I share everything and it's all God centered. It's so nice to have someone to talk to about that. I cherish that time every week.

After a long nap to day I woke up, came to the computer and watched a broadcast my aunt had told me was very good on blessings, then I went back to my room to have some one on one God time.

I had missed those days!! We talked about all kinds of things and I always ask God questions to find out more about Him. Some days it will be what's your favorite color, or where is your favorite place to visit on earth. Today it was "What's your favorite thing in my house?" Immediately he answers "you." It instantly brought me to tears and was just the sweetest thing I have heard in forever! So, after I cry I ask God, "What is your favorite material thing in my house?" He tells me to get up and go to my curio cabinet.

I open it up and I say "The angel up there?" "Yes" He says. I look at it and really had never paid any attention to it. It is an angel my aunt gave to me when she was moving. I turn it over and it said on the bottom "The Lords Prayer" So I wound it up and just listened to it. I have pics below of it. The angel had sheep on it's lap and by it's side and I said to God..."Why sheep?."



He led (As shepherds do =D ) me to my answers as he always does. "You are my sheep" He says. He tells me to go and read what a Shepherd does...So I followed and read.

John 10:5 hits home with me really well.

John 10:5 But they will never follow a stranger, in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice.

How true. I am learning so much about people, preachers,life and what is God and what is not God. I'm no expert on what God is, but I know quite a bit what He is not. Every day I am learning about His voice. His is sweet like no other and I do know it. The more time I spend with Him, the more I know the distinction.

The other thing that jumped out at me was Matthew 10:6
Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves.

I feel like I live in the wolf den! Me and my aunt were talking last night about things people do..Really,really mean spirited things. There is no understanding why people want to hurt one another. I told my aunt last night "I think there is a target on me that says use me." Men can spot my gentleness MILES and MILES away. Sometimes I go over and over in my head why they said a certain thing to me with only the intent to hurt me... Gonna start dating from the sheep pen not the wolf den!

Good thing the ultimate Shepherd laid down His life for me. That's what shepherds do. At night when all the shepherds are at the same spot and all their sheep mingle, in the morning they call out to the sheep and each one goes to the right master. The shepherd goes before the sheep. He encounters every wolf before they do and clears the path. I just look at all the enemies God has cleared out on my own path and think about how much worse it could've been. Thankfully...

The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not want;
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters;
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil;
for you are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life;
and I shall dwell in the house of the
Lord forever.

Psalm 23

That was my lesson on why Shepherds. I'm so glad to be His sheep!

=) I Love Him!

Love,

Me

My lil baby =)

Pride

Proverbs 16:18-19
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed than to share plunder with the proud.

Yes, I'm guilty of it. I have received countless emails, phone calls, texts about my blog and why it's closed. The only answer I can give to you is my pride.

People read this where I express my deepest feelings and then in turn, they use those feelings against me.

Some people are so arrogant that they think everything I write is about them and that couldn't be further from the truth. I know quite a few people. Not everything in this world is about you!

Over the past few weeks I have been a bit (a lot) depressed. It wasn't from circumstances in my life, it was from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I haven't written much about it here, it's quite embarrassing to have it.

Some things happened a few weeks ago and it sent me into flash back stage. It's not like people are shell shocked and run all over the place screaming.......I just go back emotionally to hard times in my life and actually get the same feelings I got when I was in those situations. This overwhelming sense of desperation...Sadness, guilt. I replay the incidents over and over and have no clue why I'm even thinking about them. Thinking about what I could've done differently. When I was hit, when someone was manipulating me, when someone was saying harsh things......... Ring tones can trigger them, someone saying something or doing something can trigger them........People can trigger them.

No one understands. If you have your arm missing or something and people can see it, they are sympathetic towards you. If you have disabilities mentally, something people can't see......People are very ignorant to that and lack empathy in that department. They view you as weak, when they are the ones who made you that way in the first place.

Let me tell you.......The feelings are very real and it's very hard to deal with. Especially when you don't know what's going on and why you feel like that.

When I was removing people from my life, they were people who triggered flash backs for me. People who used me or hurt me so severely even the slightest word from them could send me down into a deep depression.

So, to not give them ammunition anymore, I turned my blog off. I missed writing and I missed sharing things, but I had to get back on my feet emotionally before I could start to write again.

When I last wrote, I wrote about someone doing something pretty bad to me, disrespecting me in a big way. Hurting me. I will lower my pride once again and say....It sent me into the stinking flash back mode. Depressed, crying......Not knowing what was wrong with me.

Therapy, therapy, therapy to remind me, nothing is wrong with me. Only them. Therapy to help me understand I'm not crazy, I have suffered a lot of abuse. It happens.

I did a lot of praying to God and He revealed as always so much to me. I always come out smarter. I'm out of that mode, I'm back to normal and praising God for delivering me.

That is not a fun place to be on any level.

Just bear with me if I don't write much, it's tough when people use your feelings as weapons against you. So, I'm going to be really careful about what I put here.

On a side note, my life is going fantastic. Juan finally got the help he needed with the right therapists and the meds they have him on are amazing!! The appointments are far away and it's a lot of driving on my part, but I'd triple the days and the drives if the results are the same.

His football is going fantastic, his school work is fantastic.

A true miracle indeed and praise to God!!

Love,

Dianna

Better =)

Just stopping by to say I'm a lot better tonight =)

I left all my email loops (part of that pruning I speak of so often) and I know some come by here to check on me.

My spirits are much better. I had lunch today with a good friend and just being with another adult and talking helped immensely.

If you hadn't guessed, someone treated me with complete and total disrespect, used me for their own gain and to prove a point to someone else. It hurt.

I didn't see it coming, but then again, I never do.

I don't grasp meanness.

I wish I didn't have to grasp hurt so well. I don't wear it well and yet wear it so often.

God is teaching me through it and this last hurt saved me a lot of future trouble.

Blessing in disguise. I look to see someone has changed for the better, but find they have changed for the worse.

I asked for wisdom in the situation and received it. Praise be to God!

Nitey nite!

Love,

Me =)

Grace

Not sure if I will be pulling an all nighter. I refuse to go to bed til God gives me enough grace, peace.....anything to take away all this anger.

I get a lot of comments and private emails about my blog and my blog being truthful.

Sometimes I hate the truth.

You know the guilt one feels as a God loving Christian who wants to scratch someones eyes out? You know the guilt I feel as a Christian who just wants to take my hands and punch them through walls because I am so sick and tired of people who claim to be men?

The the guilt of with God I'm supposed to be walking in love.... I'm not doing that when I'm so angry. Love right now is far from me, which means I am separated from God whom I need most right now.

Do you know how sick I am of being used by people? Do you know how tired I am of accepting ALL the responsibilities that people refuse? Do you know how much my heart hurts because people continually take things from me and rip it out?

Oh, but I'm a good person..... So that gives all these people every right to come in and take what they want from me.

I'm angry. That anger burns me so much tonight I don't know whether I want to cry, hit something or run. I know I need to be praying, but I'm just entirely too pissed off to even think about going before God.

That's probably the time I should, but what will He say? Wait on me.....I just get so sick and tired of waiting. That's all I ever hear.

Am I hearing Him wrong?

Where's the line between being a doormat Christian or just waiting on the Lord to take care of these people.

Maybe it's a lesson I'm not learning?

Am I failing at being a Christian because this keeps happening?

Then I have to remember the Gospel and know that Jesus died for the very sins I am commiting every 5 seconds tonight.

What am I doing? Always waiting?

Waiting is so hard and am I even supposed to be waiting?

I don't understand.

How much of this is my fault?

I just don't understand so much tonight and I'm just mad.

Quit taking things from me! Sometimes I just feel like a car and at one time I was nice, had all my wheels......fresh paint....

Throw in some men and I'm a stripped vehicle no wheels, paints chipped and rusted, gutted out for parts. Nothing good left and yet people just come along to take what ever is left.

Just put me in the junkyard.

Funny thing is....... Since were using the car analogy...... I built them up, even took from my own car to put on theirs.

Not one single man EVER in my life has been honest and really cared about me or my kids. I think I attract narcissists... What can I take from her? She's of no value to me, lets use her as a bench warmer and keep her around for awhile, then after I use her and need her no more she can go...

Yea, I'm not stupid to see that I've been used every time for what ever reason.

No, I haven't went on a date recently and it's gone bad. I wouldn't even consider dating at this point because every single man who has been in my life has sucked me dry. Have I done things wrong? Oh, you bet. Did I use them, take, take, take from them, lie to them to lead them on? No, never.

Leading someone on for your own benefit is about as low as it can get.

You say that's not the case. Oh, it is the case. A spades a spade.

Never make promises to someone that you have no intentions of keeping. It's sick. What joy do you get from that? What joy comes from leading someone on?

I can't think like that, because I'm not like that.

You are only as good as your word. Good thing I know now how many words were just junk. Lies. Lies. Lies.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I have done things in all my relationships that I'm not proud of.....But I've never used anyone.

Sitting in my pit I ask......

How much more God? How much? What the heck am I doing wrong now?

How much more waiting? What the heck am I waiting for anyways? Why do these people do these things to me and why do me and my kids suffer for it? They are doing stuff wrong, why do I get the crap out of it?

God...........I don't understand. Not any.

That's truth.

To top all this stress off, my dog has developed three more tumors.

I got him when I moved out of the women's shelter. He is the absolute love of my life. I'm scared and I'm sad.

Did I mention I'm angry?????

Frick. Night.

Pray for me please. Pray all these spineless men without a backbone just leave me alone. Funny, I can leave ALL of them alone, but none can me. I have nothing left fellas, you stripped me, lied to me and left me for the junk yard. Don't want anymore dog and pony shows. Try truth on. It's not always easy to wear, but it makes you a real man.

Just go away. Please.

Just Me =)

=)

Last night I was on my way to bible study and Savannah fell asleep in the back seat. I just broke down and cried out of pure exhaustion.

Juan had weekly contacts. You wear a pair and after a week throw them away. His dad had taken his glasses the one time he met him and wouldn't mail them back to us. He had been wearing the same pair of weekly contacts in for 6 mos. His eyes yesterday were bothering him so bad.

We were in the garage and I was debating calling his dad and asking him to pay for Juan's contacts. He is under obligation to pay 1/2 of all his medical bills, but has never, ever done so. The child support increase has been tied up in courts for 2 years. Forget the fact that I never in 16 years have had an increase. He doesn't pay me near what he should to help raise a child with special needs.

My mom said to just go on and call him, it can't hurt and we might get lucky. So, I texted him and ask him and he texts back "Flat broke, sorry." I expected nothing else, so I text him back and say "I'll figure it out, I always do" So then he texts back "I'll borrow the money from somewhere." I'm like okay and text him back, "okay" So, he knows the appointment is this morning.

I knew he wasn't going to deliver so we went and cashed in 2 of Juan's college bonds for 100 bucks to cover the exam. The contact special was $99.95........

We were sitting in the waiting room and just talking. We are out of everything til Friday and the pickins are slim on food. Juan said "text my dad and see if he will pay at least 20 so we can get some food." I told Juan "You know that's a long shot." Juan says "Well, he did say yesterday he was going to borrow some money to help."

Sigh, how do you tell your child his father is a douche bag. So, to appease him I text his dad and say "Can you please just help out with 20 of it?" Of course he ignored me. Juan kept waiting for him to text back, but ........ I knew better.

I guess there's always that faint spark of hope that maybe your dad who's rejected you for 16 years will one day just magically want to help you and do stuff for you.

In the real world that's not how things work. My heart ached watching him sit there waiting for the phone.

The lady calls us back and she says "So, you are getting the contact special today right for $99.95", I tell her yes and then wonder how on earth I'm going to come up with the tax. I start thinking, I know I have change in my purse, we will get it.

I ask the lady about the $20.00 eye exam special going on ( gotta have hope right?) and she says "That's for glasses only, contact special is $99.95." I say "No problem, we are still going to get it."

I sit there patiently waiting as she takes him out to check the fit of them and everything. She is ringing up my bill and looks at me smiling and says "Hon your total is $78.70." I'm like "huh?" she said, "I took some stuff off."

It left me with exactly $20.00. Juan picked it up and laughed and said "You got your $20.00 dollars!"

His father ignored me however OUR father did not.

Heard me loud and clear and gave me $20.00.

Was exactly enough to get everything I need to make it til Friday.

I have the best Father in the whole entire world.

I cried and cried.

I love Him.

Love,

Dianna

1987

I have been going through old papers and such my dad gave me and I came across this one from a psychologist my mom had taken me to in 1987....I didn't know it then, but it was when I had my first panic attack.

I had to laugh because I went to see my therapist on Friday and we talked about me being a people pleaser. I loathe that about myself..... Here is what it says in the 2nd paragraph if you can't read it...

Dianna seems to be rather happy, well-adjusted young lady who finds it difficult to disappoint others or not be in their good favor. This is not necessarily atypical given her age. Relationships with family members and friends all seem to be allright although I'm sure that, at times, these relationships are not perfect. These may be the times of most stress for Dianna.

I remember the visit to that Dr. It was my freshman year at Mercy Academy...My step dad had been hitting on me (sexually) for a couple of years. I would have nightmares and basically had no place to go. At my dads my step mom mentally abused me and treated their dog better and at my moms my step dad..... ugh.

He told me he used to peek at the keyholes at me to watch me take a bath when I was younger. 20 or more years later I still keep the doors covered and put a towel along the bottom. A defense mechanism that never left me. I wonder how often he watched me and wonder what kind of thrill it was watching an 11 year old girl just take a bath.

He told me he used to watch me undress, asked me if he could touch me and used to tell me to ask my friends if he could touch them too. He used to brush against me all the time, watch me all the time.

I was a kid..... Funny the letter goes on to say....

Nevertheless, the overall picture is quite healthy. Should there be another episode where Dianna feels that something "strange" is happening to her it may be beneficial to have her blood pressure checked to insure that what she is experiencing is not a physiological change. Her regular doctor can do this. The only reason for my making this suggestion is in view of the fact of her past history of high blood pressure during stressful times.

The lady should've came over to either house for a visit sometime and she would've seen why as a child I had high blood pressure. A psycho lady who thrived on humiliating the crap out of me or a psycho pot head child molester.....High blood pressure? Go figure.

Anyways I had to chuckle at that. The more things change, the more things stay the same. I didn't have a chance as a child. Not even a little bit.

Thank goodness God found me.

My knight in shining armor =)

Happy Saturday.

Love,

Dianna

=) I love Him!!

I came through my trial and this time I handled it with grace =) YAY!!!

I can't say there weren't any tears, because there were lots, but God pulled me through.

Over and over I kept telling myself that there was nothing I could do about any of this, this was too big for me.

I didn't get angry like I would have in the past, I was sad, but not angry. I kept my head up, reminded myself every 5 minutes if I had to, that God has this in His hand. He will fix it. He promises too and He will.

He did =) He is truth. =D

I love Him so much. In this life I'm not sure about a whole lot, but I am ever so certain how much I love Him.

Lately I have been so excited because I know my break through is coming!! It's like Christmas every day or a surprise around the corner. I know it's coming.

He promised it would =) I love not knowing what I'm waiting for, but I KNOW it's coming. I feel it in my heart.

Today peace overwhelmed me. My house is spotless, everything is in order. I sat at my kitchen table and the inside of my body just felt clean. I know that doesn't sound like it makes any sense, but I'm guessing that was God's peace on me. I still feel it now, that breathe in and your heart gets all flip floppy. That's me falling deeper in love with the one who made me.

Tears well up in my eyes right now at the thought of how much I love Him. He is just so amazing and He takes such good care of me. Every promise He has made to me, He has kept. I have to learn to stop trying to control my own life because I can't. Nothing I do will make any difference in it. He has made my paths and I just walk on going where He takes me.

That doesn't mean I sit and do nothing all day, that just means He opens the doors and that feeling of peace washes over me and I know I'm in the right direction. The Holy Spirit tells me which way to go.

When I walked into the home last week, my heart overflowed telling me "Yes, this is right."

God pruned me. Everything of my old life is almost gone. I do mean everything aside from my family is gone. Video games gone, TV gone, for the most part my phone is gone, people who did me more harm than good gone.......There was nothing left but an empty slate for my maker to mold me on. I wasn't sad, because my old life wasn't any good any way. None of it and God knew what needed to go. Thirty eight years of junk needed to be removed and He did it. I don't regret anything He pruned from me for any second.

Was like an episode of Hoarders, where I was holding on to all this stuff that had no meaning and no value......God was my personal organizer and came in and got rid of all the junk! =) Amen!

I get a new life in Christ. I'd give it all up again and again and again.

He's doing it for my good. He's molding me for the better. I couldn't be happier and couldn't be more in love with Him.

Colossians 3:1 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.

Keep focusing my eyes on God and my life will fall into place.

Matthew 6:33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

I didn't understand this at first, but now I do. The more of God I get, the more of God I want.

People can't understand unless they have been there. God has blinders on people and for some reason He chose to take mine off. It's not something anyone can explain. It really is like being blind and then seeing. I remember the EXACT moment mine were taken off. Gives me cold chills just thinking about it.

I thank God for taking mine off and choosing me to have a life with Him.

I can't wait to see what roles He has for me to fulfill, I can't wait to do what He asks me to do, I can't wait to see more people get saved and listen to them tell of the moment God took their blinders off.

It was literally like being born again and spiritually it was, for at that moment everything was shed in a whole new light. It's unexplainable.

If you have blinders on, pray God removes them. You will know when He does. You change and you can't go back to what you were, nor do you want too.

I gotta head to bed, but had to share my trial for now is over and I came through it unscathed thanks to my Father.

I absolutely, totally love Him. I love, LOVE, LOVE Him.

Nite.

Dianna

God Indeed

God indeed saved the day. He sent wonderful family members to help answer some prayers =D

It really does take a village to raise a child and I love the village I live in.

Thanks to God, Praises to God and a HUGE thank you to everyone who helped this week.

Big party in 2012 =D