Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
=)
Last night I was on my way to bible study and Savannah fell asleep in the back seat. I just broke down and cried out of pure exhaustion.
Juan had weekly contacts. You wear a pair and after a week throw them away. His dad had taken his glasses the one time he met him and wouldn't mail them back to us. He had been wearing the same pair of weekly contacts in for 6 mos. His eyes yesterday were bothering him so bad.
We were in the garage and I was debating calling his dad and asking him to pay for Juan's contacts. He is under obligation to pay 1/2 of all his medical bills, but has never, ever done so. The child support increase has been tied up in courts for 2 years. Forget the fact that I never in 16 years have had an increase. He doesn't pay me near what he should to help raise a child with special needs.
My mom said to just go on and call him, it can't hurt and we might get lucky. So, I texted him and ask him and he texts back "Flat broke, sorry." I expected nothing else, so I text him back and say "I'll figure it out, I always do" So then he texts back "I'll borrow the money from somewhere." I'm like okay and text him back, "okay" So, he knows the appointment is this morning.
I knew he wasn't going to deliver so we went and cashed in 2 of Juan's college bonds for 100 bucks to cover the exam. The contact special was $99.95........
We were sitting in the waiting room and just talking. We are out of everything til Friday and the pickins are slim on food. Juan said "text my dad and see if he will pay at least 20 so we can get some food." I told Juan "You know that's a long shot." Juan says "Well, he did say yesterday he was going to borrow some money to help."
Sigh, how do you tell your child his father is a douche bag. So, to appease him I text his dad and say "Can you please just help out with 20 of it?" Of course he ignored me. Juan kept waiting for him to text back, but ........ I knew better.
I guess there's always that faint spark of hope that maybe your dad who's rejected you for 16 years will one day just magically want to help you and do stuff for you.
In the real world that's not how things work. My heart ached watching him sit there waiting for the phone.
The lady calls us back and she says "So, you are getting the contact special today right for $99.95", I tell her yes and then wonder how on earth I'm going to come up with the tax. I start thinking, I know I have change in my purse, we will get it.
I ask the lady about the $20.00 eye exam special going on ( gotta have hope right?) and she says "That's for glasses only, contact special is $99.95." I say "No problem, we are still going to get it."
I sit there patiently waiting as she takes him out to check the fit of them and everything. She is ringing up my bill and looks at me smiling and says "Hon your total is $78.70." I'm like "huh?" she said, "I took some stuff off."
It left me with exactly $20.00. Juan picked it up and laughed and said "You got your $20.00 dollars!"
His father ignored me however OUR father did not.
Heard me loud and clear and gave me $20.00.
Was exactly enough to get everything I need to make it til Friday.
I have the best Father in the whole entire world.
I cried and cried.
I love Him.
Love,
Dianna
Juan had weekly contacts. You wear a pair and after a week throw them away. His dad had taken his glasses the one time he met him and wouldn't mail them back to us. He had been wearing the same pair of weekly contacts in for 6 mos. His eyes yesterday were bothering him so bad.
We were in the garage and I was debating calling his dad and asking him to pay for Juan's contacts. He is under obligation to pay 1/2 of all his medical bills, but has never, ever done so. The child support increase has been tied up in courts for 2 years. Forget the fact that I never in 16 years have had an increase. He doesn't pay me near what he should to help raise a child with special needs.
My mom said to just go on and call him, it can't hurt and we might get lucky. So, I texted him and ask him and he texts back "Flat broke, sorry." I expected nothing else, so I text him back and say "I'll figure it out, I always do" So then he texts back "I'll borrow the money from somewhere." I'm like okay and text him back, "okay" So, he knows the appointment is this morning.
I knew he wasn't going to deliver so we went and cashed in 2 of Juan's college bonds for 100 bucks to cover the exam. The contact special was $99.95........
We were sitting in the waiting room and just talking. We are out of everything til Friday and the pickins are slim on food. Juan said "text my dad and see if he will pay at least 20 so we can get some food." I told Juan "You know that's a long shot." Juan says "Well, he did say yesterday he was going to borrow some money to help."
Sigh, how do you tell your child his father is a douche bag. So, to appease him I text his dad and say "Can you please just help out with 20 of it?" Of course he ignored me. Juan kept waiting for him to text back, but ........ I knew better.
I guess there's always that faint spark of hope that maybe your dad who's rejected you for 16 years will one day just magically want to help you and do stuff for you.
In the real world that's not how things work. My heart ached watching him sit there waiting for the phone.
The lady calls us back and she says "So, you are getting the contact special today right for $99.95", I tell her yes and then wonder how on earth I'm going to come up with the tax. I start thinking, I know I have change in my purse, we will get it.
I ask the lady about the $20.00 eye exam special going on ( gotta have hope right?) and she says "That's for glasses only, contact special is $99.95." I say "No problem, we are still going to get it."
I sit there patiently waiting as she takes him out to check the fit of them and everything. She is ringing up my bill and looks at me smiling and says "Hon your total is $78.70." I'm like "huh?" she said, "I took some stuff off."
It left me with exactly $20.00. Juan picked it up and laughed and said "You got your $20.00 dollars!"
His father ignored me however OUR father did not.
Heard me loud and clear and gave me $20.00.
Was exactly enough to get everything I need to make it til Friday.
I have the best Father in the whole entire world.
I cried and cried.
I love Him.
Love,
Dianna
Saturday, September 25, 2010
1987
I have been going through old papers and such my dad gave me and I came across this one from a psychologist my mom had taken me to in 1987....I didn't know it then, but it was when I had my first panic attack.
I had to laugh because I went to see my therapist on Friday and we talked about me being a people pleaser. I loathe that about myself..... Here is what it says in the 2nd paragraph if you can't read it...
Dianna seems to be rather happy, well-adjusted young lady who finds it difficult to disappoint others or not be in their good favor. This is not necessarily atypical given her age. Relationships with family members and friends all seem to be allright although I'm sure that, at times, these relationships are not perfect. These may be the times of most stress for Dianna.
I remember the visit to that Dr. It was my freshman year at Mercy Academy...My step dad had been hitting on me (sexually) for a couple of years. I would have nightmares and basically had no place to go. At my dads my step mom mentally abused me and treated their dog better and at my moms my step dad..... ugh.
He told me he used to peek at the keyholes at me to watch me take a bath when I was younger. 20 or more years later I still keep the doors covered and put a towel along the bottom. A defense mechanism that never left me. I wonder how often he watched me and wonder what kind of thrill it was watching an 11 year old girl just take a bath.
He told me he used to watch me undress, asked me if he could touch me and used to tell me to ask my friends if he could touch them too. He used to brush against me all the time, watch me all the time.
I was a kid..... Funny the letter goes on to say....
Nevertheless, the overall picture is quite healthy. Should there be another episode where Dianna feels that something "strange" is happening to her it may be beneficial to have her blood pressure checked to insure that what she is experiencing is not a physiological change. Her regular doctor can do this. The only reason for my making this suggestion is in view of the fact of her past history of high blood pressure during stressful times.
The lady should've came over to either house for a visit sometime and she would've seen why as a child I had high blood pressure. A psycho lady who thrived on humiliating the crap out of me or a psycho pot head child molester.....High blood pressure? Go figure.
Anyways I had to chuckle at that. The more things change, the more things stay the same. I didn't have a chance as a child. Not even a little bit.
Thank goodness God found me.
My knight in shining armor =)
Happy Saturday.
Love,
Dianna
I had to laugh because I went to see my therapist on Friday and we talked about me being a people pleaser. I loathe that about myself..... Here is what it says in the 2nd paragraph if you can't read it...
Dianna seems to be rather happy, well-adjusted young lady who finds it difficult to disappoint others or not be in their good favor. This is not necessarily atypical given her age. Relationships with family members and friends all seem to be allright although I'm sure that, at times, these relationships are not perfect. These may be the times of most stress for Dianna.
I remember the visit to that Dr. It was my freshman year at Mercy Academy...My step dad had been hitting on me (sexually) for a couple of years. I would have nightmares and basically had no place to go. At my dads my step mom mentally abused me and treated their dog better and at my moms my step dad..... ugh.
He told me he used to peek at the keyholes at me to watch me take a bath when I was younger. 20 or more years later I still keep the doors covered and put a towel along the bottom. A defense mechanism that never left me. I wonder how often he watched me and wonder what kind of thrill it was watching an 11 year old girl just take a bath.
He told me he used to watch me undress, asked me if he could touch me and used to tell me to ask my friends if he could touch them too. He used to brush against me all the time, watch me all the time.
I was a kid..... Funny the letter goes on to say....
Nevertheless, the overall picture is quite healthy. Should there be another episode where Dianna feels that something "strange" is happening to her it may be beneficial to have her blood pressure checked to insure that what she is experiencing is not a physiological change. Her regular doctor can do this. The only reason for my making this suggestion is in view of the fact of her past history of high blood pressure during stressful times.
The lady should've came over to either house for a visit sometime and she would've seen why as a child I had high blood pressure. A psycho lady who thrived on humiliating the crap out of me or a psycho pot head child molester.....High blood pressure? Go figure.
Anyways I had to chuckle at that. The more things change, the more things stay the same. I didn't have a chance as a child. Not even a little bit.
Thank goodness God found me.
My knight in shining armor =)
Happy Saturday.
Love,
Dianna
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
=) I love Him!!
I came through my trial and this time I handled it with grace =) YAY!!!
I can't say there weren't any tears, because there were lots, but God pulled me through.
Over and over I kept telling myself that there was nothing I could do about any of this, this was too big for me.
I didn't get angry like I would have in the past, I was sad, but not angry. I kept my head up, reminded myself every 5 minutes if I had to, that God has this in His hand. He will fix it. He promises too and He will.
He did =) He is truth. =D
I love Him so much. In this life I'm not sure about a whole lot, but I am ever so certain how much I love Him.
Lately I have been so excited because I know my break through is coming!! It's like Christmas every day or a surprise around the corner. I know it's coming.
He promised it would =) I love not knowing what I'm waiting for, but I KNOW it's coming. I feel it in my heart.
Today peace overwhelmed me. My house is spotless, everything is in order. I sat at my kitchen table and the inside of my body just felt clean. I know that doesn't sound like it makes any sense, but I'm guessing that was God's peace on me. I still feel it now, that breathe in and your heart gets all flip floppy. That's me falling deeper in love with the one who made me.
Tears well up in my eyes right now at the thought of how much I love Him. He is just so amazing and He takes such good care of me. Every promise He has made to me, He has kept. I have to learn to stop trying to control my own life because I can't. Nothing I do will make any difference in it. He has made my paths and I just walk on going where He takes me.
That doesn't mean I sit and do nothing all day, that just means He opens the doors and that feeling of peace washes over me and I know I'm in the right direction. The Holy Spirit tells me which way to go.
When I walked into the home last week, my heart overflowed telling me "Yes, this is right."
God pruned me. Everything of my old life is almost gone. I do mean everything aside from my family is gone. Video games gone, TV gone, for the most part my phone is gone, people who did me more harm than good gone.......There was nothing left but an empty slate for my maker to mold me on. I wasn't sad, because my old life wasn't any good any way. None of it and God knew what needed to go. Thirty eight years of junk needed to be removed and He did it. I don't regret anything He pruned from me for any second.
Was like an episode of Hoarders, where I was holding on to all this stuff that had no meaning and no value......God was my personal organizer and came in and got rid of all the junk! =) Amen!
I get a new life in Christ. I'd give it all up again and again and again.
He's doing it for my good. He's molding me for the better. I couldn't be happier and couldn't be more in love with Him.
Colossians 3:1 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.
Keep focusing my eyes on God and my life will fall into place.
Matthew 6:33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
I didn't understand this at first, but now I do. The more of God I get, the more of God I want.
People can't understand unless they have been there. God has blinders on people and for some reason He chose to take mine off. It's not something anyone can explain. It really is like being blind and then seeing. I remember the EXACT moment mine were taken off. Gives me cold chills just thinking about it.
I thank God for taking mine off and choosing me to have a life with Him.
I can't wait to see what roles He has for me to fulfill, I can't wait to do what He asks me to do, I can't wait to see more people get saved and listen to them tell of the moment God took their blinders off.
It was literally like being born again and spiritually it was, for at that moment everything was shed in a whole new light. It's unexplainable.
If you have blinders on, pray God removes them. You will know when He does. You change and you can't go back to what you were, nor do you want too.
I gotta head to bed, but had to share my trial for now is over and I came through it unscathed thanks to my Father.
I absolutely, totally love Him. I love, LOVE, LOVE Him.
Nite.
Dianna
I can't say there weren't any tears, because there were lots, but God pulled me through.
Over and over I kept telling myself that there was nothing I could do about any of this, this was too big for me.
I didn't get angry like I would have in the past, I was sad, but not angry. I kept my head up, reminded myself every 5 minutes if I had to, that God has this in His hand. He will fix it. He promises too and He will.
He did =) He is truth. =D
I love Him so much. In this life I'm not sure about a whole lot, but I am ever so certain how much I love Him.
Lately I have been so excited because I know my break through is coming!! It's like Christmas every day or a surprise around the corner. I know it's coming.
He promised it would =) I love not knowing what I'm waiting for, but I KNOW it's coming. I feel it in my heart.
Today peace overwhelmed me. My house is spotless, everything is in order. I sat at my kitchen table and the inside of my body just felt clean. I know that doesn't sound like it makes any sense, but I'm guessing that was God's peace on me. I still feel it now, that breathe in and your heart gets all flip floppy. That's me falling deeper in love with the one who made me.
Tears well up in my eyes right now at the thought of how much I love Him. He is just so amazing and He takes such good care of me. Every promise He has made to me, He has kept. I have to learn to stop trying to control my own life because I can't. Nothing I do will make any difference in it. He has made my paths and I just walk on going where He takes me.
That doesn't mean I sit and do nothing all day, that just means He opens the doors and that feeling of peace washes over me and I know I'm in the right direction. The Holy Spirit tells me which way to go.
When I walked into the home last week, my heart overflowed telling me "Yes, this is right."
God pruned me. Everything of my old life is almost gone. I do mean everything aside from my family is gone. Video games gone, TV gone, for the most part my phone is gone, people who did me more harm than good gone.......There was nothing left but an empty slate for my maker to mold me on. I wasn't sad, because my old life wasn't any good any way. None of it and God knew what needed to go. Thirty eight years of junk needed to be removed and He did it. I don't regret anything He pruned from me for any second.
Was like an episode of Hoarders, where I was holding on to all this stuff that had no meaning and no value......God was my personal organizer and came in and got rid of all the junk! =) Amen!
I get a new life in Christ. I'd give it all up again and again and again.
He's doing it for my good. He's molding me for the better. I couldn't be happier and couldn't be more in love with Him.
Colossians 3:1 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.
Keep focusing my eyes on God and my life will fall into place.
Matthew 6:33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
I didn't understand this at first, but now I do. The more of God I get, the more of God I want.
People can't understand unless they have been there. God has blinders on people and for some reason He chose to take mine off. It's not something anyone can explain. It really is like being blind and then seeing. I remember the EXACT moment mine were taken off. Gives me cold chills just thinking about it.
I thank God for taking mine off and choosing me to have a life with Him.
I can't wait to see what roles He has for me to fulfill, I can't wait to do what He asks me to do, I can't wait to see more people get saved and listen to them tell of the moment God took their blinders off.
It was literally like being born again and spiritually it was, for at that moment everything was shed in a whole new light. It's unexplainable.
If you have blinders on, pray God removes them. You will know when He does. You change and you can't go back to what you were, nor do you want too.
I gotta head to bed, but had to share my trial for now is over and I came through it unscathed thanks to my Father.
I absolutely, totally love Him. I love, LOVE, LOVE Him.
Nite.
Dianna
Saturday, September 18, 2010
God Indeed
God indeed saved the day. He sent wonderful family members to help answer some prayers =D
It really does take a village to raise a child and I love the village I live in.
Thanks to God, Praises to God and a HUGE thank you to everyone who helped this week.
Big party in 2012 =D
It really does take a village to raise a child and I love the village I live in.
Thanks to God, Praises to God and a HUGE thank you to everyone who helped this week.
Big party in 2012 =D
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Sometimes
Sometimes I just want to be loved too.
Sometimes I wonder if a day will come when I won't cry anymore. I know it won't til I get to be in heaven with God.
Sometimes I wonder if a week will pass and I won't have to cry anymore. That may be a real possibility.
Sometimes I wonder why a man hasn't walked into my life who hasn't hurt me in some way.
Sometimes I wonder if one won't hurt me the way the others have. I know when I get to heaven God won't.
Sometimes I wonder if the words people have said to me about me being worthless or the size of my butt will leave me.
Sometimes they echo and I try to base my worth on what God says, not what they said. God sees my heart and in his sight I'm perfect.
Sometimes I wonder if that's all people see of me, the size of my butt, the fact that I'm not highly educated, the fact that I have been quite beaten down and still am.
Sometimes I remember that God is my protector and that it's written Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: Romans 12:19 "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.
Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that and not take God's work into my hands.
Sometimes it's hard to remember that God has forgiven me, so I need to forgive.
Sometimes I want to stay in bed all day because I'm tired of being a punching bag to those who have no one better to pick on.
Sometimes I have to sit in the bathroom in front of the mirror and look at my eyes and say "you are beautiful." I am because God says I am.
Sometimes I get tired of doing stuff for people who just use me horribly. Some days I just want to tell them to piss off, but then I have to remember that God sent His only son, so us horrible human beings can have eternal life with God.
Sometimes like now when I have been crying probably 7 hours out of 24 I have to keep focused that God is using all this for good. Satan is pressing hard and I just have to keep my eyes fixed on God.
Sometimes I picture God as a light house and I'm out on this crazy sea. Storm after storm keeps coming, but I know God has me in His hands.
Sometimes I wonder if the hole I have in my heart will ever be filled, but then God sends peace to overwhelm me to fill it. I wish I could have His peace all the time, because it hurts so bad.
Sometimes I wonder why God loves me. Sometimes I even doubt that He does, but it is written that He does.
Sometimes I have to remind myself over and over like twice in this posting that God doesn't care what the size of my butt is, He doesn't care how big my bank account is, He doesn't care if I didn't do the dishes or if I forgot to clean something.
Sometimes I have to remember that God has had His hand on me since I was a small child, guiding me to where I am now.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that these trials are character builders. They are tough and they are painful, but victory is close at hand.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that His eye never leaves me. I'm perfect in His sight.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that while all the other men and I do mean every single one that has come into my life has treated me horribly........God is not them. God isn't mean. God isn't hurtful. God doesn't like when people do those things. God loves me for who I am and He made me this way.
Sometimes I just want to lay down and die because I'm tired. I just have to hang on and remember that God won't let anything happen to me that Him and I can't handle together.
Sometimes I have to remember that right now I am in His loving arms and He is carrying me, for I am too weak to hold my head up.
Sometimes I have to remember that He is all the strength I need.
Sometimes I feel like giving up, but God will not let me.
Sometimes I have to remember and tell myself that I am more than what I have been told I am.
Sometimes I have to remember that this trial will end.
Sometimes I have to remind myself Ephesians 4:26 In your anger do not sin........I have to remind myself of this over and over and over.........Breathe and relax and not say anything.
Sometimes I have to remember Proverbs 13:3 He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin. In my Christian walk this has been the hardest.
Sometimes on days like today where it seems like 24 hours have been 48, I have to go to sleep because my eyes hurt from crying.
God is bigger than, the air we breathe, the world we'll leave! My glorious!
Sometimes I wonder if a day will come when I won't cry anymore. I know it won't til I get to be in heaven with God.
Sometimes I wonder if a week will pass and I won't have to cry anymore. That may be a real possibility.
Sometimes I wonder why a man hasn't walked into my life who hasn't hurt me in some way.
Sometimes I wonder if one won't hurt me the way the others have. I know when I get to heaven God won't.
Sometimes I wonder if the words people have said to me about me being worthless or the size of my butt will leave me.
Sometimes they echo and I try to base my worth on what God says, not what they said. God sees my heart and in his sight I'm perfect.
Sometimes I wonder if that's all people see of me, the size of my butt, the fact that I'm not highly educated, the fact that I have been quite beaten down and still am.
Sometimes I remember that God is my protector and that it's written Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: Romans 12:19 "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.
Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that and not take God's work into my hands.
Sometimes it's hard to remember that God has forgiven me, so I need to forgive.
Sometimes I want to stay in bed all day because I'm tired of being a punching bag to those who have no one better to pick on.
Sometimes I have to sit in the bathroom in front of the mirror and look at my eyes and say "you are beautiful." I am because God says I am.
Sometimes I get tired of doing stuff for people who just use me horribly. Some days I just want to tell them to piss off, but then I have to remember that God sent His only son, so us horrible human beings can have eternal life with God.
Sometimes like now when I have been crying probably 7 hours out of 24 I have to keep focused that God is using all this for good. Satan is pressing hard and I just have to keep my eyes fixed on God.
Sometimes I picture God as a light house and I'm out on this crazy sea. Storm after storm keeps coming, but I know God has me in His hands.
Sometimes I wonder if the hole I have in my heart will ever be filled, but then God sends peace to overwhelm me to fill it. I wish I could have His peace all the time, because it hurts so bad.
Sometimes I wonder why God loves me. Sometimes I even doubt that He does, but it is written that He does.
Sometimes I have to remind myself over and over like twice in this posting that God doesn't care what the size of my butt is, He doesn't care how big my bank account is, He doesn't care if I didn't do the dishes or if I forgot to clean something.
Sometimes I have to remember that God has had His hand on me since I was a small child, guiding me to where I am now.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that these trials are character builders. They are tough and they are painful, but victory is close at hand.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that His eye never leaves me. I'm perfect in His sight.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that while all the other men and I do mean every single one that has come into my life has treated me horribly........God is not them. God isn't mean. God isn't hurtful. God doesn't like when people do those things. God loves me for who I am and He made me this way.
Sometimes I just want to lay down and die because I'm tired. I just have to hang on and remember that God won't let anything happen to me that Him and I can't handle together.
Sometimes I have to remember that right now I am in His loving arms and He is carrying me, for I am too weak to hold my head up.
Sometimes I have to remember that He is all the strength I need.
Sometimes I feel like giving up, but God will not let me.
Sometimes I have to remember and tell myself that I am more than what I have been told I am.
Sometimes I have to remember that this trial will end.
Sometimes I have to remind myself Ephesians 4:26 In your anger do not sin........I have to remind myself of this over and over and over.........Breathe and relax and not say anything.
Sometimes I have to remember Proverbs 13:3 He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin. In my Christian walk this has been the hardest.
Sometimes on days like today where it seems like 24 hours have been 48, I have to go to sleep because my eyes hurt from crying.
God is bigger than, the air we breathe, the world we'll leave! My glorious!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
=)
A few know what has been going on, so I'll share with you guys too!!
To make a long story short, I have had trouble with anxiety and panic attacks over the years. Most of the anxiety stems from PTSD. I was physically abused by my ex-husband, it never went over to my children.
So.....I had gone to work one day and came home and my sons face was black and blue. While I was away at work, my (ex)husband had taken a telephone and beat the heck out of my then 5 year old son. From that point on I wasn't able to go into work without having severe anxiety attacks. I would feel like I couldn't breathe, I would get light headed, my knees would feel weak. I was always worried about my children being at home.
With Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, working for me was one of the triggers. Being away from the kids and the traumatic event that took place while I was away...well, I couldn't do it. Me being hit was one thing, but my kids totally different level.
So....I have the most wonderful therapist in the world!! He used to be a priest and worked at a Catholic Care facility here in Louisville. He left priesthood and became a therapist....Prayers led me to him!
He contacted the lady who runs the place and to do some cognitive therapy, I start voluteering there all week!! This has potential to turn into a long term job. I am so excited and so happy.
Funny, everyone thought my happiness was based on a new man in my life!! That couldn't be further from the truth!!
I went in today and did my paperwork and got a tour. You just ever walk in a place and know that's where you are supposed to be? My heart was overflowing with so much joy. The residents there were so sweet. I stopped and talked to a lady while Cindy was getting her a blanket and she kissed my hand and thanked me for talking to her. She told me she loved me.
So many people I met today. I have to wait a couple days til my background check comes back and then I can start =). Did I mention I'm excited? God is sooooooooo good!!
This is a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE deal for me. Please send me lots of prayers that I can do this without worrying about home. My kids are grown up. When Savannahs not with me, she's in excellent hands.
I want this so bad and this is such a huge step for me. I could cry I'm so happy.
I can't wait to keep you guys updated.
=D
Happy Tuesday!!
Love,
Dianna
To make a long story short, I have had trouble with anxiety and panic attacks over the years. Most of the anxiety stems from PTSD. I was physically abused by my ex-husband, it never went over to my children.
So.....I had gone to work one day and came home and my sons face was black and blue. While I was away at work, my (ex)husband had taken a telephone and beat the heck out of my then 5 year old son. From that point on I wasn't able to go into work without having severe anxiety attacks. I would feel like I couldn't breathe, I would get light headed, my knees would feel weak. I was always worried about my children being at home.
With Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, working for me was one of the triggers. Being away from the kids and the traumatic event that took place while I was away...well, I couldn't do it. Me being hit was one thing, but my kids totally different level.
So....I have the most wonderful therapist in the world!! He used to be a priest and worked at a Catholic Care facility here in Louisville. He left priesthood and became a therapist....Prayers led me to him!
He contacted the lady who runs the place and to do some cognitive therapy, I start voluteering there all week!! This has potential to turn into a long term job. I am so excited and so happy.
Funny, everyone thought my happiness was based on a new man in my life!! That couldn't be further from the truth!!
I went in today and did my paperwork and got a tour. You just ever walk in a place and know that's where you are supposed to be? My heart was overflowing with so much joy. The residents there were so sweet. I stopped and talked to a lady while Cindy was getting her a blanket and she kissed my hand and thanked me for talking to her. She told me she loved me.
So many people I met today. I have to wait a couple days til my background check comes back and then I can start =). Did I mention I'm excited? God is sooooooooo good!!
This is a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE deal for me. Please send me lots of prayers that I can do this without worrying about home. My kids are grown up. When Savannahs not with me, she's in excellent hands.
I want this so bad and this is such a huge step for me. I could cry I'm so happy.
I can't wait to keep you guys updated.
=D
Happy Tuesday!!
Love,
Dianna
Friday, September 10, 2010
Hooooray!!!!!!!!
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Did I say I can't stop smiling? My life is about to turn in a HUGE way and I'm sooooo excited!!!
Did I tell you I'm excited? Good things are coming my way!!
I'll tell more about it very soon, but YAY!!!! Changes are coming!!
YAY, YAY, YAY!!!!
Love,
Dianna
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Did I say I can't stop smiling? My life is about to turn in a HUGE way and I'm sooooo excited!!!
Did I tell you I'm excited? Good things are coming my way!!
I'll tell more about it very soon, but YAY!!!! Changes are coming!!
YAY, YAY, YAY!!!!
Love,
Dianna
Thursday, September 09, 2010
This is worthy of a repeat this morning =D
Luke 6:45
The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.
The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
=)
Luke 6:45
The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.
I can't quit smiling. Not on any level. Even if I tried, I cannot stop. I am so thankful to God above that my time in the pit (for now) is over. He is so faithful and I love Him so incredibly much.
I have good in my heart, the Holy Spirit has filled me up with this indescribable joy and it is overflowing out of me.
Nothing has changed since I last wrote, the only thing that has changed is my attitude! I'm so thankful for God. I'm so thankful that He is working everything together for my good.
I love Him.
I love Him.
I LOVE Him.
So worthy of so much praise. I wanted to fall in love and I did =)
I love Him!!!!
I'm so thankful for everything He has put in my life. I'm thankful for the trials He brings me, so I can grow into the woman He wants me to be. I'm thankful He shapes my character through those trials. It's awful being down in that slump, but I have to remember why I'm there. I'm nothing without Him and everything with Him. I know I'm going to be in a pit again soon, but enjoying my time out and Praising God for the work He did when I was down in it!!!
Song over there -----> says it all. I have nothing, I have nothing without you. I am nothing, I am nothing.... without you!
I LOVE HIM!!! YAY!!!!!
Happy Tuesday!
Love,
Dianna
I Love HIM!!! =)
The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.
I can't quit smiling. Not on any level. Even if I tried, I cannot stop. I am so thankful to God above that my time in the pit (for now) is over. He is so faithful and I love Him so incredibly much.
I have good in my heart, the Holy Spirit has filled me up with this indescribable joy and it is overflowing out of me.
Nothing has changed since I last wrote, the only thing that has changed is my attitude! I'm so thankful for God. I'm so thankful that He is working everything together for my good.
I love Him.
I love Him.
I LOVE Him.
So worthy of so much praise. I wanted to fall in love and I did =)
I love Him!!!!
I'm so thankful for everything He has put in my life. I'm thankful for the trials He brings me, so I can grow into the woman He wants me to be. I'm thankful He shapes my character through those trials. It's awful being down in that slump, but I have to remember why I'm there. I'm nothing without Him and everything with Him. I know I'm going to be in a pit again soon, but enjoying my time out and Praising God for the work He did when I was down in it!!!
Song over there -----> says it all. I have nothing, I have nothing without you. I am nothing, I am nothing.... without you!
I LOVE HIM!!! YAY!!!!!
Happy Tuesday!
Love,
Dianna
I Love HIM!!! =)
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Remember That Post A Couple Days Ago About Gods Love?
Remember how He said He would show me His love? Remember how I said "How would I know what it would look like?"
=) Well, let me tell you a story!!
Today I was having a blah day. The past few days have been a struggle and as I mentioned earlier, I haven't been hearing much of anything from God. It's been a real test of faith. When I can hear Him, it's easy to believe...But, when He goes silent, it's harder to believe.
I said a prayer today before I took my nap, it went something like keep me hanging on, I have faith you are going to lift all this off of me. I just know it's going to work out, hear you or not......I know you are there.
I wake up from my nap and feel a ton better. =) So.......My son calls from football practice and says he is ready to be picked up. I gather all my stuff up and head out the door.
I see this beautiful butterfly swirling all around me. I absolutely LOVE butterflies and talk to God a lot about them. I can rarely catch them on my camera and if I do, it's never a good shot because they fly off way too quickly.
Since it's so close I get my cell phone out and try to catch a pic. He lets me take his picture and I'm thinking "Rats, I wish I had my good camera out!"
I stop and admire him some more and softly say "God, can I hold him?" God speaks loud and clear and says "Go and get your camera, I know how you are!" So I run to my car put my stuff in there. Fumble with my keys trying to hurry. I get a little worried because when my camera goes from cold to hot it gets all foggy and I was just trying to hurry.
I get back out there, sit on the ground and the butterfly comes right over to me =) I put my hand out and there he came.
I have never ever held, nor touched a butterfly. I was soooo excited. My camera didn't fog up, the beauty stayed on my finger for at least 2 minutes. I, of course, got pics of him.
I cried and cried and cried. God told me to wait and He would show me how much He loves me. He knew how much the butterflies meant to me. He knew how much taking pics of the butterflies meant to me. HE loved me enough to wait for me to go and get my camera. He loved me so much that He for the first time ever, let me hold this magnificent creature.
I cried all the way to pick up Juan. He indeed showed me how much I was loved. Who loves me enough to bring me a butterfly and perch him upon my finger just so I can appreciate the beauty of him!
God is so magnificent. Worthy of so much praise!!! Oh how I love Him.
He loves me too =)
Happy Tuesday! I haven't stopped smiling all afternoon!
Love,
Dianna
=) Well, let me tell you a story!!
Today I was having a blah day. The past few days have been a struggle and as I mentioned earlier, I haven't been hearing much of anything from God. It's been a real test of faith. When I can hear Him, it's easy to believe...But, when He goes silent, it's harder to believe.
I said a prayer today before I took my nap, it went something like keep me hanging on, I have faith you are going to lift all this off of me. I just know it's going to work out, hear you or not......I know you are there.
I wake up from my nap and feel a ton better. =) So.......My son calls from football practice and says he is ready to be picked up. I gather all my stuff up and head out the door.
I see this beautiful butterfly swirling all around me. I absolutely LOVE butterflies and talk to God a lot about them. I can rarely catch them on my camera and if I do, it's never a good shot because they fly off way too quickly.
Since it's so close I get my cell phone out and try to catch a pic. He lets me take his picture and I'm thinking "Rats, I wish I had my good camera out!"
I stop and admire him some more and softly say "God, can I hold him?" God speaks loud and clear and says "Go and get your camera, I know how you are!" So I run to my car put my stuff in there. Fumble with my keys trying to hurry. I get a little worried because when my camera goes from cold to hot it gets all foggy and I was just trying to hurry.
I get back out there, sit on the ground and the butterfly comes right over to me =) I put my hand out and there he came.
I have never ever held, nor touched a butterfly. I was soooo excited. My camera didn't fog up, the beauty stayed on my finger for at least 2 minutes. I, of course, got pics of him.
I cried and cried and cried. God told me to wait and He would show me how much He loves me. He knew how much the butterflies meant to me. He knew how much taking pics of the butterflies meant to me. HE loved me enough to wait for me to go and get my camera. He loved me so much that He for the first time ever, let me hold this magnificent creature.
I cried all the way to pick up Juan. He indeed showed me how much I was loved. Who loves me enough to bring me a butterfly and perch him upon my finger just so I can appreciate the beauty of him!
God is so magnificent. Worthy of so much praise!!! Oh how I love Him.
He loves me too =)
Happy Tuesday! I haven't stopped smiling all afternoon!
Love,
Dianna
Monday, August 30, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
My Conversation With God This Morning. Oh, How I Missed Him!
Well Melzie and I were on a no negativity campaign......Yesterday for awhile hers went to hell in a hand basket and I followed her right on down.
I have no idea what happened. None. I'm lost again. Last night I laid in my bed, typical for my downward spirals and got angry at God. Why? Who knows. I will admit I wasn't very nice......He tried to talk to me and sadly I went something like this."You ask me to do this stuff and then I don't hear from you and now I'm down, down, down and you want to talk?" then I followed it with a "Just leave me alone."
Talk about feeling awful for saying those things. Those feelings just amplified what a piece of crap I am, sending me even further down. I cried myself to sleep (suprise) and woke up.
Tried to be positive but couldn't. I couldn't wait to get the kids dropped off at school and out of the car so I could just cry.
I was on a real pity potty today. No shame in admitting it, we all get on them. I'm lonely. I'm sad. I'm frustrated and I just want to be loved.
I get back in the car and God loud and clear (It's been weeks since I have heard Him like that) "Lay it on me" I of course say "I don't feel like talking about it." and God sweetly says "Come on, tell me."
So.........I burst out into this sobbing......Telling Him how He asks me to do these things and I fail repeatedly. Fail over and over and over. I need His grace every 15 seconds because I am epically failing at everything. I told Him I do all this stuff because I just want to be loved. He sweetly says "You are." I say to Him, "How can you possibly love me? I'm a mess......I do everything wrong, I screw up every 15 seconds, I say the wrong things, I do the wrong things......I can't understand why you would love someone such a mess."
Sweetly He says "I love you because you are a mess." "Huh?" I say????? I go on to tell Him that I can't understand by human standards of loving someone because they are a mess. Ah...."unconditional love."
Sadly I do not understand the concept of love. When I think I have it, I do not. I honestly don't understand what it is. I tell this to God.... "God, I don't understand this love you want to give me, how am I supposed to even know you are giving it to me if I don't know what it is?"
He says "Wait on me." Then I tell Him "That is like you telling me you are going to send me this really rare insect from Indonesia and insects are all around me in every form........How is it possible that I would even know what it would look like because I don't know? If one comes up I had never seen .....Is that it? No, because now here comes another one I have never seen. How do I know? What does it look like?"
It's pretty pathetic that one can't know what true, real, unconditional love is.
So, I say again to Him "How? I don't understand?" He says to me "You don't need to understand, you can't understand."
So, I say "So basically I'm just waiting for something that I don't know what it is to just come my way."
"Yes" He says. "Be still and know that I am."
Again, "God, I don't understand what you are asking me to do, what do I do next?" He says "You go home, you go to your appointment and every minute you will do something different."
"Huh?" I say again. "Take my hand and just follow where I take you" He says.
"Well, what if I go somewhere wrong?" I say..........."You can't go wrong if you have taken my hand. I won't let you fall any further than I can catch you. My hand is out and I will catch you, so just walk with me."
I go silent because I just don't get it. How does one just not do anything and just sit and wait?
I guess I'll take it minute by minute and keep calling out for His grace as I need it. The past few days I have needed it quite often.
I will say that when I came inside I have a peace washed over me that can only be God.
Amazing......."He loves me because I'm a mess."
I love Him too. I just can't understand His love of someone like me. /Shrug.
Okay Melzie.....I'm ready to dust myself off and get back on my Positive Polly horse. Trading Negative Nelly in.
I love you God. I'm sorry for being such a brat.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
Your Messy Dianna
I have no idea what happened. None. I'm lost again. Last night I laid in my bed, typical for my downward spirals and got angry at God. Why? Who knows. I will admit I wasn't very nice......He tried to talk to me and sadly I went something like this."You ask me to do this stuff and then I don't hear from you and now I'm down, down, down and you want to talk?" then I followed it with a "Just leave me alone."
Talk about feeling awful for saying those things. Those feelings just amplified what a piece of crap I am, sending me even further down. I cried myself to sleep (suprise) and woke up.
Tried to be positive but couldn't. I couldn't wait to get the kids dropped off at school and out of the car so I could just cry.
I was on a real pity potty today. No shame in admitting it, we all get on them. I'm lonely. I'm sad. I'm frustrated and I just want to be loved.
I get back in the car and God loud and clear (It's been weeks since I have heard Him like that) "Lay it on me" I of course say "I don't feel like talking about it." and God sweetly says "Come on, tell me."
So.........I burst out into this sobbing......Telling Him how He asks me to do these things and I fail repeatedly. Fail over and over and over. I need His grace every 15 seconds because I am epically failing at everything. I told Him I do all this stuff because I just want to be loved. He sweetly says "You are." I say to Him, "How can you possibly love me? I'm a mess......I do everything wrong, I screw up every 15 seconds, I say the wrong things, I do the wrong things......I can't understand why you would love someone such a mess."
Sweetly He says "I love you because you are a mess." "Huh?" I say????? I go on to tell Him that I can't understand by human standards of loving someone because they are a mess. Ah...."unconditional love."
Sadly I do not understand the concept of love. When I think I have it, I do not. I honestly don't understand what it is. I tell this to God.... "God, I don't understand this love you want to give me, how am I supposed to even know you are giving it to me if I don't know what it is?"
He says "Wait on me." Then I tell Him "That is like you telling me you are going to send me this really rare insect from Indonesia and insects are all around me in every form........How is it possible that I would even know what it would look like because I don't know? If one comes up I had never seen .....Is that it? No, because now here comes another one I have never seen. How do I know? What does it look like?"
It's pretty pathetic that one can't know what true, real, unconditional love is.
So, I say again to Him "How? I don't understand?" He says to me "You don't need to understand, you can't understand."
So, I say "So basically I'm just waiting for something that I don't know what it is to just come my way."
"Yes" He says. "Be still and know that I am."
Again, "God, I don't understand what you are asking me to do, what do I do next?" He says "You go home, you go to your appointment and every minute you will do something different."
"Huh?" I say again. "Take my hand and just follow where I take you" He says.
"Well, what if I go somewhere wrong?" I say..........."You can't go wrong if you have taken my hand. I won't let you fall any further than I can catch you. My hand is out and I will catch you, so just walk with me."
I go silent because I just don't get it. How does one just not do anything and just sit and wait?
I guess I'll take it minute by minute and keep calling out for His grace as I need it. The past few days I have needed it quite often.
I will say that when I came inside I have a peace washed over me that can only be God.
Amazing......."He loves me because I'm a mess."
I love Him too. I just can't understand His love of someone like me. /Shrug.
Okay Melzie.....I'm ready to dust myself off and get back on my Positive Polly horse. Trading Negative Nelly in.
I love you God. I'm sorry for being such a brat.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
Your Messy Dianna
Thursday, August 26, 2010
LOVE this song so very much =)
Majesty (Here I am) by Delirious
It's playing when you come to the page =) It's my favorite!
Here I am humbled by your Majesty
Covered by your grace so free
Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man
Covered by the blood of the Lamb
Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice
Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in your hands
Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty
Here I am humbled by the love that you give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand, knowing that I'm your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire
Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice
It's playing when you come to the page =) It's my favorite!
Here I am humbled by your Majesty
Covered by your grace so free
Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man
Covered by the blood of the Lamb
Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice
Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in your hands
Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty
Here I am humbled by the love that you give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand, knowing that I'm your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire
Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Is It Friday Yet?
The past couple of weeks have been doozies!
As I wrote last week, it's been a time filled with anxiety, sadness, crying, confusion...... I think there wasn't much left out of the potpouri of feelings.
We had death anniversary's, birthdays, parting of ways, son leaving off to college, sickness, exhaustion, changes all around, school starting. Sheesh.
My life got so rocky for a couple of weeks and I won't hesistate to say it is still a bit rocky now.
In the middle of an emotional tornado, not only does God decide to prune me of something quite huge, He goes silent.
Oh boy let me tell you what. I am 6 months into being a Christian and He really put me to the test the past couple of weeks.
I had an issue that I had been on the fence about for awhile, never dealt with so to speak......God says "Okay, it's time to get rid of it." I'm like "Huh?" So, again He says so sweetly "You wanna be in the desert 40 years or you wanna cross over?"
I got to thinking about this and I tell Him, "I wanna cross over, but you are asking me to do something that's impossible"....God then goes on to say "Without me......it's impossible, BUT, I would never ask you to do something that I wouldn't give you the strength and courage to do."
I reluctantly agree and then God goes pretty much silent. Day one comes and I'm back tracking like crazy, thinking maybe that was just me talking and not really God.......I ask God to give me confirmation if it was really Him.
I wait patiently, then I wait not so patiently. My life at this point takes a turn for the worse. If it could happen and it was bad it did. Everything going wrong, God is quiet.......I must've chosen wrong. It must not of been God.
I lay crying in my bed and ask God again "Am I doing what you ask?" He says "You are. You can't see what I see, you can't think what I think, you can't know what I know" So, I ask again "Will you please send confirmation that I am doing what is right."
Another day passes, everything and I do mean everything is going wrong. I at this point want to smack Murphy and his law.......What I am giving up it doesn't feel right. It feels wrong, I don't like it.....None of it feels right. God is still quiet, very, very quiet. I at times just have to ask "Are you here?" "I am" as He always says, but nothing else.
So.........Then after everything has gone wrong, I feel like my life is falling apart I run crying to God again.........."God this can't be right." and I go on to say "I haven't seen this in the bible anywhere etc".... He replies "When did you become such an expert on my word?" I shut up quickly, asked again for conformation and then asked Him to please have mercy on me. I told Him that I was being obedient and how very hard it was for me and told him all I'm asking for is for some confirmation....
At that moment I got it. A TV show was on......Talked about the Israelites and how it took them 40 years to make an 11 day trip. Then she went on to say "When you are giving up something from the flesh, it never feels good. When you are giving up something for the spirit, your flesh will ache. That is HOW you know it is right."
I cried at that moment and then thanked God profusely.
I would like to say after that everything turned around and my life was all happy, happy, joy, joy........But it's not.
I had the worst birthday I have ever had in my entire life. The absolute worst. I have had stress after stress. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm still confused.
I had a moment again yesterday where I asked God if I am still doing the right thing and he sweetly said "You are and I'm not going to change my mind."
He wouldn't ask me to do something unless it was for my own benefit. I have to keep telling myself this over and over.
It's hard to be obedient. It's hard to give things up. I have been pruned so much this year and had so many changes. It's proof there is a God because on my own....I am not strong enough to give these things up. If you know me, you know this is the truth.
With God ALL things really are possible. No matter how they may look to you.
At times this strength overwhelms me and the tears leave me and I wonder....What happened? It's God.
I get upset at myself and can't believe I keep questioning if it's the right thing to do and it's hard to remember that God isn't human. He doesn't think like humans and He said it best to me "His ways are not my ways."
Isaiah 55:8-9 (New International Version)
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
I'm fighting Him so much on something that is for my own best interest. I'm tired of wandering in the desert. I'm ready to cross over, even if that means I have to prune 20 more things or people out of my life.
Keep me in your prayers and pray that God gets vocal for me soon. I miss Him. I take for granted the times I can hear Him so freely. I guess if I were able to hear Him every day so freely I wouldn't appreciate Him as much. I miss Him.
Happy Tuesday!
Love,
Dianna
As I wrote last week, it's been a time filled with anxiety, sadness, crying, confusion...... I think there wasn't much left out of the potpouri of feelings.
We had death anniversary's, birthdays, parting of ways, son leaving off to college, sickness, exhaustion, changes all around, school starting. Sheesh.
My life got so rocky for a couple of weeks and I won't hesistate to say it is still a bit rocky now.
In the middle of an emotional tornado, not only does God decide to prune me of something quite huge, He goes silent.
Oh boy let me tell you what. I am 6 months into being a Christian and He really put me to the test the past couple of weeks.
I had an issue that I had been on the fence about for awhile, never dealt with so to speak......God says "Okay, it's time to get rid of it." I'm like "Huh?" So, again He says so sweetly "You wanna be in the desert 40 years or you wanna cross over?"
I got to thinking about this and I tell Him, "I wanna cross over, but you are asking me to do something that's impossible"....God then goes on to say "Without me......it's impossible, BUT, I would never ask you to do something that I wouldn't give you the strength and courage to do."
I reluctantly agree and then God goes pretty much silent. Day one comes and I'm back tracking like crazy, thinking maybe that was just me talking and not really God.......I ask God to give me confirmation if it was really Him.
I wait patiently, then I wait not so patiently. My life at this point takes a turn for the worse. If it could happen and it was bad it did. Everything going wrong, God is quiet.......I must've chosen wrong. It must not of been God.
I lay crying in my bed and ask God again "Am I doing what you ask?" He says "You are. You can't see what I see, you can't think what I think, you can't know what I know" So, I ask again "Will you please send confirmation that I am doing what is right."
Another day passes, everything and I do mean everything is going wrong. I at this point want to smack Murphy and his law.......What I am giving up it doesn't feel right. It feels wrong, I don't like it.....None of it feels right. God is still quiet, very, very quiet. I at times just have to ask "Are you here?" "I am" as He always says, but nothing else.
So.........Then after everything has gone wrong, I feel like my life is falling apart I run crying to God again.........."God this can't be right." and I go on to say "I haven't seen this in the bible anywhere etc".... He replies "When did you become such an expert on my word?" I shut up quickly, asked again for conformation and then asked Him to please have mercy on me. I told Him that I was being obedient and how very hard it was for me and told him all I'm asking for is for some confirmation....
At that moment I got it. A TV show was on......Talked about the Israelites and how it took them 40 years to make an 11 day trip. Then she went on to say "When you are giving up something from the flesh, it never feels good. When you are giving up something for the spirit, your flesh will ache. That is HOW you know it is right."
I cried at that moment and then thanked God profusely.
I would like to say after that everything turned around and my life was all happy, happy, joy, joy........But it's not.
I had the worst birthday I have ever had in my entire life. The absolute worst. I have had stress after stress. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm still confused.
I had a moment again yesterday where I asked God if I am still doing the right thing and he sweetly said "You are and I'm not going to change my mind."
He wouldn't ask me to do something unless it was for my own benefit. I have to keep telling myself this over and over.
It's hard to be obedient. It's hard to give things up. I have been pruned so much this year and had so many changes. It's proof there is a God because on my own....I am not strong enough to give these things up. If you know me, you know this is the truth.
With God ALL things really are possible. No matter how they may look to you.
At times this strength overwhelms me and the tears leave me and I wonder....What happened? It's God.
I get upset at myself and can't believe I keep questioning if it's the right thing to do and it's hard to remember that God isn't human. He doesn't think like humans and He said it best to me "His ways are not my ways."
Isaiah 55:8-9 (New International Version)
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
I'm fighting Him so much on something that is for my own best interest. I'm tired of wandering in the desert. I'm ready to cross over, even if that means I have to prune 20 more things or people out of my life.
Keep me in your prayers and pray that God gets vocal for me soon. I miss Him. I take for granted the times I can hear Him so freely. I guess if I were able to hear Him every day so freely I wouldn't appreciate Him as much. I miss Him.
Happy Tuesday!
Love,
Dianna
Friday, August 20, 2010
Love Is........
Feeling a TON better =)! I have been working on a project for my bedroom. I love this little cross my aunt gave me and it's my favorite bible verse. I am trying to make one for every season, I played around with summer yesterday...Gonna mess around with it more later to see if I can depict summer better. Anyways just sharing w/ you guys!! Have a fantastic weekend!
Love,
Dianna
Love,
Dianna
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Hurt
I'm not sure what happened this weekend. It felt like every ground I had gained, every step of progress I had made came tumbling down so quickly around me........I still don't even know what happened.
My heart hurt miserably. I cried myself to sleep almost every night at points, the sobbing was uncontrollable..........Why?
Because I never healed. I had so much hurt to recover from.......What happened to Savannah, dealing with having to share Savannah, getting divorced, losing my house, losing my car........losing almost everything I knew and then losing WoW, my friends and Elmer too......
What did I do? I ran around and kept myself busy for hours, upon hours, upon hours. Not dealing with the pain but masking it with activity. I wouldn't stay home, I was afraid to stay home. If I was home and it was quiet then I would have to think about how bad my heart hurts.
I have ran all my life from everything. I think God brought the pneumonia into my life as a big wake up call saying "Hey, you........stop." I looked in the mirror the other night and I was just exhausted. I tried to say "God loves you" over and over in my head, but I just couldn't feel it.
Seems my whole life all I have wanted is to have someone who really loved me. Loved me for exactly who I was. Didn't think I was stupid, didn't think I was ugly, didn't want to hit me for whatever I did. Just wanted someone to love me.
God gives me this incredible gift of His love and I have no clue how to just let Him love me.
I don't understand the concept and it's extremely frustrating.
He gave me the realization that I can't accept His love until I heal. I have to heal the hurts that somewhere deep in my roots made me feel unworthy of love. What a big job He has.
This weekend I purposely quit running. I stayed home and let myself just feel. I felt everything. I opened up my heart and let all this hurt come in.
I can't keep running. I can't keep re-opening hurts. I have to heal. For once I have to put me first and let all of what happened in.
My instincts to run....Strong, but God took away my running shoes and replaced them with heavy bricks.
"Stay where you are child" He says. "Quit running."
"How?" I say...."Wait on me" He says.
I hope and pray for my sake He heals me quickly. My heart feels like it has a knife in it and it's actual, physical pain.
Sometimes it hurts to even breathe in. I want my running shoes back, I don't want to feel this.
Pray for me. It hurts.
The good side is that if it has to hurt at least it hurts with God. No better hands to be in than the one who made me. The author of my book will heal me in His time and finish writing my story.
Oh how I love Him.
Going to go crawl into bed and cry and leave my heart to God to sew up gently and repair all the holes.
His Love is the best of band-aids...
I just hope and pray for quickness......But learning more about God I learn the slower things are done, the better.
He brought me to it, He WILL get me through it. My faith doesn't lack there or else I wouldn't of stopped. I'm ready for it to be finished.
Isaiah 61:1
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,
Father, thank you for sending your son to do so much for us. My heart needs so much binding, I hope heaven has enough thread. I'm tired Father, I'm tired of crying myself to sleep, I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of wandering around this earth not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing.
Please help me choose the right roads and please help me to remember that if I choose the wrong road Your grace is upon me. Quickly lead me back to Your road if I should stray.
My head is swirling in confusion. You are the author of peace, please help me find it.
I'll meet you in my garden soon Father. Thank You for walking with me and talking with me. Thank you for being so patient with me and for loving me so much. Thank you for today. Thank you for opening my flowers after my nap. I wasn't expecting that. =D The things you do for me.
I love You so much Papa. So very, very much. Please open my heart and heal me that I can accept all the love You have for me.
Watch over me and my family as we sleep and please be with my friends as they have asked for much needed prayers.
Again, I love You.
Nite, nite.
Dianna
My heart hurt miserably. I cried myself to sleep almost every night at points, the sobbing was uncontrollable..........Why?
Because I never healed. I had so much hurt to recover from.......What happened to Savannah, dealing with having to share Savannah, getting divorced, losing my house, losing my car........losing almost everything I knew and then losing WoW, my friends and Elmer too......
What did I do? I ran around and kept myself busy for hours, upon hours, upon hours. Not dealing with the pain but masking it with activity. I wouldn't stay home, I was afraid to stay home. If I was home and it was quiet then I would have to think about how bad my heart hurts.
I have ran all my life from everything. I think God brought the pneumonia into my life as a big wake up call saying "Hey, you........stop." I looked in the mirror the other night and I was just exhausted. I tried to say "God loves you" over and over in my head, but I just couldn't feel it.
Seems my whole life all I have wanted is to have someone who really loved me. Loved me for exactly who I was. Didn't think I was stupid, didn't think I was ugly, didn't want to hit me for whatever I did. Just wanted someone to love me.
God gives me this incredible gift of His love and I have no clue how to just let Him love me.
I don't understand the concept and it's extremely frustrating.
He gave me the realization that I can't accept His love until I heal. I have to heal the hurts that somewhere deep in my roots made me feel unworthy of love. What a big job He has.
This weekend I purposely quit running. I stayed home and let myself just feel. I felt everything. I opened up my heart and let all this hurt come in.
I can't keep running. I can't keep re-opening hurts. I have to heal. For once I have to put me first and let all of what happened in.
My instincts to run....Strong, but God took away my running shoes and replaced them with heavy bricks.
"Stay where you are child" He says. "Quit running."
"How?" I say...."Wait on me" He says.
I hope and pray for my sake He heals me quickly. My heart feels like it has a knife in it and it's actual, physical pain.
Sometimes it hurts to even breathe in. I want my running shoes back, I don't want to feel this.
Pray for me. It hurts.
The good side is that if it has to hurt at least it hurts with God. No better hands to be in than the one who made me. The author of my book will heal me in His time and finish writing my story.
Oh how I love Him.
Going to go crawl into bed and cry and leave my heart to God to sew up gently and repair all the holes.
His Love is the best of band-aids...
I just hope and pray for quickness......But learning more about God I learn the slower things are done, the better.
He brought me to it, He WILL get me through it. My faith doesn't lack there or else I wouldn't of stopped. I'm ready for it to be finished.
Isaiah 61:1
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,
Father, thank you for sending your son to do so much for us. My heart needs so much binding, I hope heaven has enough thread. I'm tired Father, I'm tired of crying myself to sleep, I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of wandering around this earth not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing.
Please help me choose the right roads and please help me to remember that if I choose the wrong road Your grace is upon me. Quickly lead me back to Your road if I should stray.
My head is swirling in confusion. You are the author of peace, please help me find it.
I'll meet you in my garden soon Father. Thank You for walking with me and talking with me. Thank you for being so patient with me and for loving me so much. Thank you for today. Thank you for opening my flowers after my nap. I wasn't expecting that. =D The things you do for me.
I love You so much Papa. So very, very much. Please open my heart and heal me that I can accept all the love You have for me.
Watch over me and my family as we sleep and please be with my friends as they have asked for much needed prayers.
Again, I love You.
Nite, nite.
Dianna
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Changes
This week has been rough by so many standards. I have had overwhelming sadness at points, confusion, stress, anxiety.
Late last night I finally broke down and just cried. I'm tired.
I have changed and it's not only hard for others, it's hard for me. I wrote some blog entries earlier this week and I will honestly admit, I got to thinking........."People are going to think I'm absolutely crazy."
I worry about this all the time. I try to talk to people about God and write about God to others, but coming from who I was, I'm not sure they know what to think. I get embarrassed because it's not me, or at least it wasn't me. Then I feel overwhelming guilt for getting embarrassed.
I was an angry, bitter person. I was grumpy all the time, addicted to video games, gossiped, swore like a sailor. A weak, wimpy, abused doormat.
I played Worlds of Warcraft all the time. My life revolved around it. Me and my boyfriend (in game....long complicated story) broke up and I decided to take Lent and just give it up for 40 days. I loved that game. I was someone in there, I wasn't in real life. Powerful, successful, well liked. I had friends there and I had this guy I thought loved me there. The whole thing.........All of it, was just a huge joke. None of it was real. It was a fake, pathetic excuse for a life. It wasn't real.
When I gave it up, I intended to go back. I planned this and that for when I went back, I couldn't wait for Lent to be over so I could! I had withdrawals from the game. I had headaches, got irritable and was shaky at times.
As Lent went on things started happening that I didn't understand. Where desires were to go back to this game I loved, the desire came to draw closer to the God I was falling in love with. Every day that went by, took with it the desire of wanting to play the game. Each day I prayed and got more involved with God, God went higher than that need for anything else. I could not have made that change myself. I don't even know what happened. I only know it did.
I couldn't curse anymore. The F word was my best friend. I couldn't say it anymore. No curse words. We went out somewhere, I can't remember where and I heard this girl cursing like you would not believe. I thought oh my gosh....That is how that sounds? It sounded awful and all I could think about is how a few weeks before I sounded just like that. I heard people say how awful it sounded, but God had to show me Himself how awful it was.
Little by little I am changing. Every day, slowly, I change. I really feel sometimes like I don't fit in anywhere because I'm not who I once was. I'm not even sure what people think. Are they saying I'm nuts? I got the religion? I think about these things and actually I cry a lot over them.
I try and I'll stress TRY here to go back to the way I was...Not the video games, but maybe I'll say something or do something...........get really angry over something just unbelievably stupid..........Whatever the instance.....My old clothes don't fit anymore. It doesn't work. Who I pretended to be back then, is not who I am.
I didn't choose this life for myself. It's not like I got out of bed when I was at my lowest point and said "Okay, nothing works I'll guess I'll become a Christian THEY HAVE TO LIKE ME."
Doesn't work that way. God chose me. For whatever reason, He chose me.
1 Corinthians 1:26-31
26 Consider your own call, brothers and sisters:* not many of you were wise by human standards,* not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. 27But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; 28God chose what is low and despised in the world, things that are not, to reduce to nothing things that are, 29so that no one* might boast in the presence of God. 30He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification and redemption, 31in order that, as it is written, ‘Let the one who boasts, boast in* the Lord.’
He chose me as this weak, awful, angry, stupid girl. I couldn't go back to my old life if I tried. He grabbed a hold of me and He is not letting me go.
I feel so guilty (and I should) because I get embarrassed at times over my blog entries or because I mention God. I shouldn't feel that way.
So, I am going to work hard at only caring what God thinks. I don't care if you talk behind my back, I don't care if you make fun of me, I don't care if you can't accept me the way I am.
Am I going to slip up? You bet I am. That's where the gospel comes into play. Watch for me to slip up all you want. Will I ever go back to the way I was? You can guarantee I won't because God isn't letting me go there.
He chose me, He is changing me for the GOOD which is something no person could do. You can't put your trust or faith in people because they will let you down everytime.
I'm not going to be embarrassed anymore because I love God, if you don't like my blog entries, then choose not to read. If you don't want my emails where I mention God, delete them all..... HE is my life. If you have a problem with how I am now and how I have gotten "weird" take it up with my Father. There's no charge to call Him, no number to memorize to text Him. Take it up with Him and ask Him why I'm different. Ask Him to change you and watch what happens.
I'm tired of people pleasing. I'm tired of maintaining friendships with people that exhaust me and really don't care about me to begin with.
I pray that God can show me quickly how to stop caring what others think. Accept me as I am or leave me alone.
I love Him and that is one thing that won't change.
In a world where people disappoint me hourly, daily, monthly.....He never does. In a world where people lie over and over and over and over............You can't believe anything that comes out of their mouth.......God is truth.
I sleep with my bible at night. Tucked safety in my arms...........Why? Because everything around me changes, people around me hurt me. A lot of the times intentionally when I don't deserve it. I'm surrounded by lies and liars. Nothing changes in the bible. It's the one thing in my life I can count on. It's the truth and instead of caring what people think about me, I'm going to keep turning to that.
Maybe it's not wanting me to change back that you are afraid of, maybe you are afraid of what God is going to make me.
Look out.
I for one can't wait to see the places He takes me and it is written that He will.
Love,
Dianna
Late last night I finally broke down and just cried. I'm tired.
I have changed and it's not only hard for others, it's hard for me. I wrote some blog entries earlier this week and I will honestly admit, I got to thinking........."People are going to think I'm absolutely crazy."
I worry about this all the time. I try to talk to people about God and write about God to others, but coming from who I was, I'm not sure they know what to think. I get embarrassed because it's not me, or at least it wasn't me. Then I feel overwhelming guilt for getting embarrassed.
I was an angry, bitter person. I was grumpy all the time, addicted to video games, gossiped, swore like a sailor. A weak, wimpy, abused doormat.
I played Worlds of Warcraft all the time. My life revolved around it. Me and my boyfriend (in game....long complicated story) broke up and I decided to take Lent and just give it up for 40 days. I loved that game. I was someone in there, I wasn't in real life. Powerful, successful, well liked. I had friends there and I had this guy I thought loved me there. The whole thing.........All of it, was just a huge joke. None of it was real. It was a fake, pathetic excuse for a life. It wasn't real.
When I gave it up, I intended to go back. I planned this and that for when I went back, I couldn't wait for Lent to be over so I could! I had withdrawals from the game. I had headaches, got irritable and was shaky at times.
As Lent went on things started happening that I didn't understand. Where desires were to go back to this game I loved, the desire came to draw closer to the God I was falling in love with. Every day that went by, took with it the desire of wanting to play the game. Each day I prayed and got more involved with God, God went higher than that need for anything else. I could not have made that change myself. I don't even know what happened. I only know it did.
I couldn't curse anymore. The F word was my best friend. I couldn't say it anymore. No curse words. We went out somewhere, I can't remember where and I heard this girl cursing like you would not believe. I thought oh my gosh....That is how that sounds? It sounded awful and all I could think about is how a few weeks before I sounded just like that. I heard people say how awful it sounded, but God had to show me Himself how awful it was.
Little by little I am changing. Every day, slowly, I change. I really feel sometimes like I don't fit in anywhere because I'm not who I once was. I'm not even sure what people think. Are they saying I'm nuts? I got the religion? I think about these things and actually I cry a lot over them.
I try and I'll stress TRY here to go back to the way I was...Not the video games, but maybe I'll say something or do something...........get really angry over something just unbelievably stupid..........Whatever the instance.....My old clothes don't fit anymore. It doesn't work. Who I pretended to be back then, is not who I am.
I didn't choose this life for myself. It's not like I got out of bed when I was at my lowest point and said "Okay, nothing works I'll guess I'll become a Christian THEY HAVE TO LIKE ME."
Doesn't work that way. God chose me. For whatever reason, He chose me.
1 Corinthians 1:26-31
26 Consider your own call, brothers and sisters:* not many of you were wise by human standards,* not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. 27But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; 28God chose what is low and despised in the world, things that are not, to reduce to nothing things that are, 29so that no one* might boast in the presence of God. 30He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification and redemption, 31in order that, as it is written, ‘Let the one who boasts, boast in* the Lord.’
He chose me as this weak, awful, angry, stupid girl. I couldn't go back to my old life if I tried. He grabbed a hold of me and He is not letting me go.
I feel so guilty (and I should) because I get embarrassed at times over my blog entries or because I mention God. I shouldn't feel that way.
So, I am going to work hard at only caring what God thinks. I don't care if you talk behind my back, I don't care if you make fun of me, I don't care if you can't accept me the way I am.
Am I going to slip up? You bet I am. That's where the gospel comes into play. Watch for me to slip up all you want. Will I ever go back to the way I was? You can guarantee I won't because God isn't letting me go there.
He chose me, He is changing me for the GOOD which is something no person could do. You can't put your trust or faith in people because they will let you down everytime.
I'm not going to be embarrassed anymore because I love God, if you don't like my blog entries, then choose not to read. If you don't want my emails where I mention God, delete them all..... HE is my life. If you have a problem with how I am now and how I have gotten "weird" take it up with my Father. There's no charge to call Him, no number to memorize to text Him. Take it up with Him and ask Him why I'm different. Ask Him to change you and watch what happens.
I'm tired of people pleasing. I'm tired of maintaining friendships with people that exhaust me and really don't care about me to begin with.
I pray that God can show me quickly how to stop caring what others think. Accept me as I am or leave me alone.
I love Him and that is one thing that won't change.
In a world where people disappoint me hourly, daily, monthly.....He never does. In a world where people lie over and over and over and over............You can't believe anything that comes out of their mouth.......God is truth.
I sleep with my bible at night. Tucked safety in my arms...........Why? Because everything around me changes, people around me hurt me. A lot of the times intentionally when I don't deserve it. I'm surrounded by lies and liars. Nothing changes in the bible. It's the one thing in my life I can count on. It's the truth and instead of caring what people think about me, I'm going to keep turning to that.
Maybe it's not wanting me to change back that you are afraid of, maybe you are afraid of what God is going to make me.
Look out.
I for one can't wait to see the places He takes me and it is written that He will.
Love,
Dianna
Friday, August 13, 2010
You Know
That old saying holds so much truth "When you play with fire you are going to get burned."
How many times does it take? How many times to do you have burn yourself before you realize that the fire isn't going to change, it's always going to burn.
Fire isn't capable of changing, it is what it is.
It's job is to burn things. It knows nothing else.
Same with people, they will never be anything else than what they are.
Lesson learned for GOOD this time.
It is what it is. They are who they are.
Happy Friday!
Love,
Dianna
How many times does it take? How many times to do you have burn yourself before you realize that the fire isn't going to change, it's always going to burn.
Fire isn't capable of changing, it is what it is.
It's job is to burn things. It knows nothing else.
Same with people, they will never be anything else than what they are.
Lesson learned for GOOD this time.
It is what it is. They are who they are.
Happy Friday!
Love,
Dianna
Thursday, August 12, 2010
I Went to Heaven this Morning
Trying to fully wake up. My face is still wet from tears.
God showed me around heaven this morning, in my dreams I suppose. He took me through His garden. It was filled with every flower you could imagine and then some you couldn't. There were colors I have never seen, things I have never seen. I'm not even sure if in closing my eyes I could portray a picture to you that does heaven justice. Tall, tall castles all about, each with gardens not even a master landscaper could re-create.
I had wings and there were sunflowers so tall that I could just float up to see the top of. If we walked somewhere we would just zip along. He took me to this edge and showed me this great, great sea. At the back of the sea was the sun. Not like our earthly sun, but like this huge heavenly light. Angels were hanging out on the beach. None of them had faces from what I could see. They all had enormous wings. Some had harps and horns and they just stood on the sea shore, playing the most beautiful music. It's as if they were welcoming newcomers to heaven. Maybe they were waiting for their family to come through the light and the second they came through, they wanted their family to know "This is heaven."
There were birds in heaven, all sorts. Dogs running through Gods gardens, but not as dogs, as lights. Cats, bunnies, animals I had no clue what they were........The best part of all came when two lights came swirling about me. They swirled and swirled and stopped. I asked God "Am I dead papa?" "No" he said, "your earthly body is still very much alive, but I thought you'd appreciate my garden."
The two lights came back again and stopped in front of me. They had faces. One was mamaw and the other was Dorothy Ann. Another quick light came over and it was papaw. He simply said "Hi" and then before I knew it, he was gone. Mamaw and Dorothy kept going away and coming back swirling around me. I was crying out to mamaw, "Please come back, please come back!" She came back and said "Dianna, it's not an easy job keeping all of you safe, you keep me very busy." Dorothy Ann came back and she had her piercing blue eyes. She hugged me tightly and said "Tell my family I'm keeping them all safe."
I asked God "Is that how it works?" He said "How what works?" "Heaven" I said. I was confused because I thought heaven was relaxing and just enjoying everything. "God walked (floated?) with me some more through His garden telling me that everyone has work in heaven. It's based upon how we live our lives.... How we live.... what we do... determines the job. I said "So, they keep people safe God?" He says "They have a very special job child, they keep their families safe." I said "just mine?" To which He replied "Mamaw takes care of you, your mom,Johnny, Lindsay, Carol, Mary Lee, Karen. All of you." "She wants to do it" He said "To her and for you, that's the most important job there is. She's stored up blessings in heaven for you, therefore you guys get really special angels." "She's one?" I ask. "Yes child" He replied.
I asked Him if I could help Him take care of His garden when I get to heaven. "Of course" He replied, "But, it doesn't work like your earthly garden." He walked over to this tall red flower and He placed His hand on this huge,huge leaf.....The red flower looked like it bent over to kiss His hand. Was beautiful.
I asked where Dorothy Ann was and He said "She's taking care of her family."
I couldn't find Brett. Poopie ran over and Gracie ran over. Not as dogs, but as light. I looked for Brett and asked God...."Where's Brett?" God said "Sometimes people don't want to come to heaven, they are lost and they roam the earth." I asked if he could come to heaven and He said "He's lost." I said to God "It says in the bible that you find lost people and you help lost people." He got down on His knees and looked in my eyes and said "Not if they don't want to leave earth child. Sometimes they don't want to come to heaven, they wait." This made me sad and God told me "There is no sadness or tears in heaven."
He led me again to His garden and mamaw came back. She swirled around me again and again then started flying away. I said "Mamaw, mamaw please don't leave." She turned around and stopped, said "I love you Dianna, look for me in daisies." In an instant she flew away.
I didn't want her to go, I tried to fly after her but her light was so much faster than my wings. Dorothy Ann came back and gave me an even bigger hug than before. What's funny is I always remembered her hugs. Maybe she knew that. I asked her not to go too, I wanted to talk to her. "How will we find you?" I called after her... "Tell my family to look for me in the blue birds, they'll know what I mean." In an instant her light just as quick as mamaws flew away.
God told me it was time to go back, but before we went He picked this beautiful flower for me. It was a shade of blue I had never ever seen and He told me to take it with me as a reminder of what's waiting for me.
I woke up and was sobbing, evidentally I was sobbing even as I slept. My heart wasn't heavy, I was very peaceful. I look over my shoulder at the base of my cross on my bed and there's a pic of me and mamaw =).
Made me happy to think mamaw was keeping us all safe and Dorothy Ann was keeping all the country cousins safe. Different lights flew around me when I was there, but I didn't know who they were. Maybe they knew me, maybe they were people from my family that I didn't know.
It makes me feel a lot better knowing that mamaw is looking after our family, keeping us safe.
I miss them both very much. I hope and pray Brett finds his way to heaven.
Happy Thursday.
Love,
Dianna
**I have to add, I woke up and after everything settled in I talked to God about my dream...I asked Him if it was real, He replied "What do you think?" I asked Him if it was real, how come I could see everything, even touch a flower, but I felt disconnected from Mamaw, Dorothy Ann....Just over all had no feelings.......He said "I gave you a glimpse with your eyes, a moment with your hand, a second you had with your ears.... If I had given you the scent and feelings of heaven, you wouldn't of wanted to go back."
=) Amen!
God showed me around heaven this morning, in my dreams I suppose. He took me through His garden. It was filled with every flower you could imagine and then some you couldn't. There were colors I have never seen, things I have never seen. I'm not even sure if in closing my eyes I could portray a picture to you that does heaven justice. Tall, tall castles all about, each with gardens not even a master landscaper could re-create.
I had wings and there were sunflowers so tall that I could just float up to see the top of. If we walked somewhere we would just zip along. He took me to this edge and showed me this great, great sea. At the back of the sea was the sun. Not like our earthly sun, but like this huge heavenly light. Angels were hanging out on the beach. None of them had faces from what I could see. They all had enormous wings. Some had harps and horns and they just stood on the sea shore, playing the most beautiful music. It's as if they were welcoming newcomers to heaven. Maybe they were waiting for their family to come through the light and the second they came through, they wanted their family to know "This is heaven."
There were birds in heaven, all sorts. Dogs running through Gods gardens, but not as dogs, as lights. Cats, bunnies, animals I had no clue what they were........The best part of all came when two lights came swirling about me. They swirled and swirled and stopped. I asked God "Am I dead papa?" "No" he said, "your earthly body is still very much alive, but I thought you'd appreciate my garden."
The two lights came back again and stopped in front of me. They had faces. One was mamaw and the other was Dorothy Ann. Another quick light came over and it was papaw. He simply said "Hi" and then before I knew it, he was gone. Mamaw and Dorothy kept going away and coming back swirling around me. I was crying out to mamaw, "Please come back, please come back!" She came back and said "Dianna, it's not an easy job keeping all of you safe, you keep me very busy." Dorothy Ann came back and she had her piercing blue eyes. She hugged me tightly and said "Tell my family I'm keeping them all safe."
I asked God "Is that how it works?" He said "How what works?" "Heaven" I said. I was confused because I thought heaven was relaxing and just enjoying everything. "God walked (floated?) with me some more through His garden telling me that everyone has work in heaven. It's based upon how we live our lives.... How we live.... what we do... determines the job. I said "So, they keep people safe God?" He says "They have a very special job child, they keep their families safe." I said "just mine?" To which He replied "Mamaw takes care of you, your mom,Johnny, Lindsay, Carol, Mary Lee, Karen. All of you." "She wants to do it" He said "To her and for you, that's the most important job there is. She's stored up blessings in heaven for you, therefore you guys get really special angels." "She's one?" I ask. "Yes child" He replied.
I asked Him if I could help Him take care of His garden when I get to heaven. "Of course" He replied, "But, it doesn't work like your earthly garden." He walked over to this tall red flower and He placed His hand on this huge,huge leaf.....The red flower looked like it bent over to kiss His hand. Was beautiful.
I asked where Dorothy Ann was and He said "She's taking care of her family."
I couldn't find Brett. Poopie ran over and Gracie ran over. Not as dogs, but as light. I looked for Brett and asked God...."Where's Brett?" God said "Sometimes people don't want to come to heaven, they are lost and they roam the earth." I asked if he could come to heaven and He said "He's lost." I said to God "It says in the bible that you find lost people and you help lost people." He got down on His knees and looked in my eyes and said "Not if they don't want to leave earth child. Sometimes they don't want to come to heaven, they wait." This made me sad and God told me "There is no sadness or tears in heaven."
He led me again to His garden and mamaw came back. She swirled around me again and again then started flying away. I said "Mamaw, mamaw please don't leave." She turned around and stopped, said "I love you Dianna, look for me in daisies." In an instant she flew away.
I didn't want her to go, I tried to fly after her but her light was so much faster than my wings. Dorothy Ann came back and gave me an even bigger hug than before. What's funny is I always remembered her hugs. Maybe she knew that. I asked her not to go too, I wanted to talk to her. "How will we find you?" I called after her... "Tell my family to look for me in the blue birds, they'll know what I mean." In an instant her light just as quick as mamaws flew away.
God told me it was time to go back, but before we went He picked this beautiful flower for me. It was a shade of blue I had never ever seen and He told me to take it with me as a reminder of what's waiting for me.
I woke up and was sobbing, evidentally I was sobbing even as I slept. My heart wasn't heavy, I was very peaceful. I look over my shoulder at the base of my cross on my bed and there's a pic of me and mamaw =).
Made me happy to think mamaw was keeping us all safe and Dorothy Ann was keeping all the country cousins safe. Different lights flew around me when I was there, but I didn't know who they were. Maybe they knew me, maybe they were people from my family that I didn't know.
It makes me feel a lot better knowing that mamaw is looking after our family, keeping us safe.
I miss them both very much. I hope and pray Brett finds his way to heaven.
Happy Thursday.
Love,
Dianna
**I have to add, I woke up and after everything settled in I talked to God about my dream...I asked Him if it was real, He replied "What do you think?" I asked Him if it was real, how come I could see everything, even touch a flower, but I felt disconnected from Mamaw, Dorothy Ann....Just over all had no feelings.......He said "I gave you a glimpse with your eyes, a moment with your hand, a second you had with your ears.... If I had given you the scent and feelings of heaven, you wouldn't of wanted to go back."
=) Amen!
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