In the days of missing summer, I'm trying to find the positives in winter when a.) It's not even winter yet b.) It's cold, snowy and we are trapped in the house.
This is gonna be hard!!
*I'll start with my personal favorite....Navel oranges are in season!! I bought a huge bag yesterday. They taste so good this time of year. I absolutely LOVE them!
*The snow makes everything look clean!
*After the brutal summer, the brutal cold is a little (and I stress little) depressing.
*The gym is less crowded. (til January LOL)
*Jesus birthday!! =)
*My Christmas tree smells heavenly!
*I love my blue jeans
*Anthony's home from college for Christmas break!
*My dogs get their winter coats and they are soooooo soft.
Okay, that's all the happiness for winter I can take right now!! Gonna go find some snuggly socks!!
I Love me some socks!!!! My ducky ones got a hole in them, wahhhhh! That's okay, an orange is a quick fix solution!
Off to eat one =)
Have a fantastic snow day!
Love,
~me
Monday, December 13, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Betty
Not sure if I ever blogged about Betty, but she's a wonderful woman I workout with at the gym.
Going as much as I do, for as long as I have, you become attached to the people.
There's a woman there named Betty. I have watched her for 2 years lift weights, jog, exercise. Always with a huge smile on her face and always with kind words to say to everyone else. She's 75 years old and I never said much to her other than hi til a few months ago.
I got the honor of working out next to her quite a bit lately. I asked her how she has such ambition at her age. It's amazing to watch, especially when she always has a smile on her face.
She told me that she had cancer a few years ago. Lung cancer. It's back now and stage 2. She said as long as she's working out, she's fighting the cancer. As long as she's in there, it hasn't beat her yet.
Her husband is also battling cancer. A battle they are doing together. So, every day I go in and it's an inspiration to watch.
I didn't see her last week and I started wondering where she was. Yesterday at the gym Mike said she had, had a stroke and would be out for awhile.
Broke my heart. Another reason cancer stinks.
Please pray for Betty. She is a visible image of courage.
She called the Y to tell them she would be back in a couple of months.
I know she will be.
Courage.
Love,
~me
Going as much as I do, for as long as I have, you become attached to the people.
There's a woman there named Betty. I have watched her for 2 years lift weights, jog, exercise. Always with a huge smile on her face and always with kind words to say to everyone else. She's 75 years old and I never said much to her other than hi til a few months ago.
I got the honor of working out next to her quite a bit lately. I asked her how she has such ambition at her age. It's amazing to watch, especially when she always has a smile on her face.
She told me that she had cancer a few years ago. Lung cancer. It's back now and stage 2. She said as long as she's working out, she's fighting the cancer. As long as she's in there, it hasn't beat her yet.
Her husband is also battling cancer. A battle they are doing together. So, every day I go in and it's an inspiration to watch.
I didn't see her last week and I started wondering where she was. Yesterday at the gym Mike said she had, had a stroke and would be out for awhile.
Broke my heart. Another reason cancer stinks.
Please pray for Betty. She is a visible image of courage.
She called the Y to tell them she would be back in a couple of months.
I know she will be.
Courage.
Love,
~me
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
My new hat YAY!!
It is one of the best items ever given tooooooooo me YAY!!
I Loves it!
Love,
~me, me, me!
I Loves it!
Love,
~me, me, me!
Thursday, December 02, 2010
Oh, so beautifully broken
This isn't the first time I have shared this ornament. I have posted pics of him before...But, I have never told his story.
I had one year in my life without a Christmas tree. Without a Christmas. I was living in Virgina, my husband was abusive...Need I really say more about that?
I had begged for a Christmas tree over and over. I wasn't going to get to be with my family and I had no one but Jennie and she was doing stuff with her own family. Most of the base had gone home for Christmas. I was lonely.
I went to the Commissary and bought a pack of Christmas lights and attempted to tape them to the wall in the shape of a Christmas tree. It looked awful, but I was trying with all my might to get them to stay. My husband was laughing over and over as I tried. I sat there just looking at them lay on the floor and cried.
When I cried, it always made him really mad. I can't remember the sequence of events, but he grabbed my baby and made a comment something like "Do you want something to cry over?" He was sitting near the window and made gestures like he was going to throw him out the window.
I got up off the floor and first tried asking for Juan. He was jerking him around and acting like he was going to throw him out the window. Juan (my son) was screaming as he was tossing him around. I tried like hell to get him out of his hands. He kicked me repeatedly and my son was still screaming. I kept going and trying to get my baby from him. He kicked me again, so hard that I felt my arm snap. I was in sooo much pain, but kept trying to get Juan from him. I still see Juan's face, reaching out for me and screaming. He was so scared.
Finally, he threw Juan in my arms and I ran with Anthony out to the hall. I was crying so hard and looked at my arm. It was swollen and I had so many bruises that had already popped up.
Jennie of course watched my kids while I spent my Christmas Eve in the Emergency room. I sat there and made up a thousand different lies as to what happened. I cried for hours.
The Doctors put an air cast on me, put my arm in a sling and sent me home. I had told them that I hit it (on the table) picking something up off the floor...In abusive relationships you get pretty good at making up excuses where the bruises come from. The next day my arm was swollen pretty big, bruised,painful.....But nothing was quite as broken as my spirit.
If you follow frequently, then you know I made it out of that relationship successfully and never went back. Many thanks to the Center For Women and Families here in Louisville =)
I made it a point to celebrate Christmas every single year. No matter what, I would have a Christmas tree.
My second Christmas after all that had happened, I lived in an apartment complex. I was walking to the dumpster and someone had thrown their whole tree in. On the ground below it was this soldier. Wet, paint chipped. Someone had stepped on him and broken his arm off.. But he was precious to me because of what he stood for in my life.
So much beauty in life comes from things that are beautifully broken. I picked him up and told him that every single year, he would have the place of honor on my tree. I also promised him that one year, one year we would have enough money to hang him on a very real Christmas tree.
Years came and went and for this reason or that we could never have a real tree.
I'm proud to announce that this year I hung my beautifully broken soldier on a very real Christmas tree.
It may not seem like a big deal to anyone, but nothing yesterday could've wiped the smile off my face. I went and picked it out, got it home, did everything on my own.
Last night we had a tree decorating party. Me and my family...I took my soldier out of his keeping place and put him in the best spot on the tree.
God did that for me. He took this person so broken inside and out and made me something. Took what people threw out for trash and stepped on..He not only picked me up...He wanted me. Shined me up and I'd like to think if there's a Christmas tree in heaven, He puts me in a very good spot. I know I'm in His hands and that's the best place to be.
What looks like trash to some, is treasure to others.
Til the day I die, I will hang that soldier proudly on my tree. I will never attempt to fix him, because I think he's perfect as he is.
Serves as a reminder to me of what I came from and where God brought me.
Here's a picture of my first ever real tree. Still brings tears to my eyes.
I will enjoy every second of My Saviors birth this year.
=)
God is so awesome!!
Love,
~me
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
Happy December!!
We went to Light Up Louisville on Friday night!! It was cold but awesome! I'm so stinking happy it's the holidays it's unreal!
I don't wanna miss ANYTHING!! Here's some pics I took down at the lighting of the Christmas tree and city =)
Here are the fireworks they let off when we counted down
Juan and Savannah
Savannah being a Jedi!
We ALL wore our Chucks LOL! That's good planning!
Heading down to Fourth street!
City Hall =) It looked sooooooo beautiful!
The last is of my very first real Christmas tree. I tell you what I could cry I'm so happy! I have had a smile plastered across my face all day because I HAVE A REAL CHRISTMAS TREE!!!!!!! Waiting on Savannah to get here so we can decorate it!!
YAY for Baby Jesus Birthday!!
Love,
~Me
I don't wanna miss ANYTHING!! Here's some pics I took down at the lighting of the Christmas tree and city =)
Here are the fireworks they let off when we counted down
Juan and Savannah
Savannah being a Jedi!
We ALL wore our Chucks LOL! That's good planning!
Heading down to Fourth street!
City Hall =) It looked sooooooo beautiful!
The last is of my very first real Christmas tree. I tell you what I could cry I'm so happy! I have had a smile plastered across my face all day because I HAVE A REAL CHRISTMAS TREE!!!!!!! Waiting on Savannah to get here so we can decorate it!!
YAY for Baby Jesus Birthday!!
Love,
~Me
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Baby Steps
I really made a HUGE leap tonight. I had some stuff up in my closet, in a box.
Old memories, old notes, old cards.....etc.
It was very hard taking the step to take them from their places to put them in the box. I remember doing it, crying...touching each card, reading each word. Looking at all the things, the pictures...
Tonight without any tears, I was able to throw the box away =)
No tears, no sadness...I FELT NOTHING and it felt fantastic!!!
That was a HUGE step for me. You have no idea.
I prayed for so long for the strength.
Another prayer answered!!
Praise God!! =)
Decorating for Christmas tomorrow YAY!!
Love,
~me
Old memories, old notes, old cards.....etc.
It was very hard taking the step to take them from their places to put them in the box. I remember doing it, crying...touching each card, reading each word. Looking at all the things, the pictures...
Tonight without any tears, I was able to throw the box away =)
No tears, no sadness...I FELT NOTHING and it felt fantastic!!!
That was a HUGE step for me. You have no idea.
I prayed for so long for the strength.
Another prayer answered!!
Praise God!! =)
Decorating for Christmas tomorrow YAY!!
Love,
~me
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Happy Thanksgiving
Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. It was nice to have a day off =) FROM everything! I even took the day off from the gym!!
Ate lots of good food and saw family YAY!!
So thankful for my family and friends and most of all I'm thankful for God and His love.
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Him...so very, very much.
He's the best ever!!
Life is so good!
~me
Monday, November 22, 2010
Blank
I think that's a good word. Blank.
That's me these days. Blank.
I don't know what God's doing in my life. I have not the foggiest idea and I know He's the master of taking a mess and making it something, but I feel like I have been wiped clean and not the way I felt "clean" when I was baptized.
Am I growing? I believe so. Almost all remnants of my old life with the exception of a few same faces are gone. Memories gone too. It's in the past. Leave it.
I had to think 5 minutes to remember something about Elmer other than flowers. I drew blanks...I could think of nothing about Brett. All I remember of Kyle is how angry he was/is.
Blank. I don't know why and even worse...I don't care. I was on the world's biggest pity pot and I see now...Who cares? I don't want sympathy, I don't want understanding, I don't want anything from anyone.
That's my headspace. Anything I used to like, I don't. Flowers, but that's it. Chocolate, I haven't had it in 7-8 weeks nd I don't even miss it. Food...Don't miss it.
All I want to do is run. The only time I feel like I'm feeling anything, is when I'm running. Not running from things, actually physical running. Five days a week isn't enough for me. I see now why Forest ran when Jennie left him. I totally understand that part of the movie now.
People who are/were mean........Who cares. They aren't going to change and sitting around moping or complaining about them not changing isn't going to make them change. I'm fed up, sick of going around the same mountain over and over.
Realizing letting go actually means letting go. Not hanging on to remnants of this or that....Past is the past, leave it and move forward. I hung onto Brett for years and what did it do? Did it bring him back? Nope. It wasn't wrong to miss him at all, because I do miss him, but I hung on too long.
I feel like God Control, Alt, Deleted my brain. Nothing is the same and I have no idea what's going on. Maybe I hit my head harder than I thought in the wreck.
My chalkboard erased and I have nooooooooo clue where it's headed.
Submit, submit, submit because nothing can be done about anything anyways.
Life is complicated. It always will be. 38 years of wishing it were different isn't going to make it different. My life is what it is. Complicated...So, just shut up and live it.
That's what I say to myself now. The big leaf battle this year, 5 hours into raking I started to feel sorry for myself. Immediately I say to myself..."Shut up and do it. You whining about it in your head isn't going to get the leaves up, so shut up and pick the things up and move on."
Wishing is useless. Absolutely useless.
It doesn't change anything.
Happy whatever day it is.
Love,
~me
That's me these days. Blank.
I don't know what God's doing in my life. I have not the foggiest idea and I know He's the master of taking a mess and making it something, but I feel like I have been wiped clean and not the way I felt "clean" when I was baptized.
Am I growing? I believe so. Almost all remnants of my old life with the exception of a few same faces are gone. Memories gone too. It's in the past. Leave it.
I had to think 5 minutes to remember something about Elmer other than flowers. I drew blanks...I could think of nothing about Brett. All I remember of Kyle is how angry he was/is.
Blank. I don't know why and even worse...I don't care. I was on the world's biggest pity pot and I see now...Who cares? I don't want sympathy, I don't want understanding, I don't want anything from anyone.
That's my headspace. Anything I used to like, I don't. Flowers, but that's it. Chocolate, I haven't had it in 7-8 weeks nd I don't even miss it. Food...Don't miss it.
All I want to do is run. The only time I feel like I'm feeling anything, is when I'm running. Not running from things, actually physical running. Five days a week isn't enough for me. I see now why Forest ran when Jennie left him. I totally understand that part of the movie now.
People who are/were mean........Who cares. They aren't going to change and sitting around moping or complaining about them not changing isn't going to make them change. I'm fed up, sick of going around the same mountain over and over.
Realizing letting go actually means letting go. Not hanging on to remnants of this or that....Past is the past, leave it and move forward. I hung onto Brett for years and what did it do? Did it bring him back? Nope. It wasn't wrong to miss him at all, because I do miss him, but I hung on too long.
I feel like God Control, Alt, Deleted my brain. Nothing is the same and I have no idea what's going on. Maybe I hit my head harder than I thought in the wreck.
My chalkboard erased and I have nooooooooo clue where it's headed.
Submit, submit, submit because nothing can be done about anything anyways.
Life is complicated. It always will be. 38 years of wishing it were different isn't going to make it different. My life is what it is. Complicated...So, just shut up and live it.
That's what I say to myself now. The big leaf battle this year, 5 hours into raking I started to feel sorry for myself. Immediately I say to myself..."Shut up and do it. You whining about it in your head isn't going to get the leaves up, so shut up and pick the things up and move on."
Wishing is useless. Absolutely useless.
It doesn't change anything.
Happy whatever day it is.
Love,
~me
Friday, November 12, 2010
Thought of something now LOL
After I posted all that, I went and read some of my posts from the last couple of years.....I have so many mixed emotions about my old posts.
One thing stood out at me and I didn't see back then, how truly angry I was. I read and think, 'Did I write that?'
I am ashamed at some of the things I wrote and I'm not sure if I should delete them or keep them there as a reminder of how far I have come.
My aunt Carol pointed out to me the progress I have made and I have said a few times, "I really don't see it."
I see it now.
God delivered me from that complete and total mess I was in. I couldn't see how angry I was til I was removed from all that chaos, then I had to heal.
Man...I must've been unbearable to live with. I'm sad for my kids because they had to put up with me when I was like that. I thank God so much for helping me mature and change my heart. Very little of that anger is left in my heart and with every situation that happens, God sifts it out.
He is the Potter, I am the clay.
I am just sitting here crying at who I have become and from what. Nothing short of a miracle.
I said some pretty awful things to a whole lot of people and I misdirected my anger at so many.
Wow. Wow.
No wonder my self confidence was so low. I didn't like that girl.
I almost feel sorry for me back then, I was so lost.
All that hurt, all that pain and I didn't know my healer.
I can not tell you how thankful I am for God changing me.
I'm finally who I really am.
Thank you, thank you, thank you God!!
I'm in awe at the progress I've made.
Love,
~Dianna
One thing stood out at me and I didn't see back then, how truly angry I was. I read and think, 'Did I write that?'
I am ashamed at some of the things I wrote and I'm not sure if I should delete them or keep them there as a reminder of how far I have come.
My aunt Carol pointed out to me the progress I have made and I have said a few times, "I really don't see it."
I see it now.
God delivered me from that complete and total mess I was in. I couldn't see how angry I was til I was removed from all that chaos, then I had to heal.
Man...I must've been unbearable to live with. I'm sad for my kids because they had to put up with me when I was like that. I thank God so much for helping me mature and change my heart. Very little of that anger is left in my heart and with every situation that happens, God sifts it out.
He is the Potter, I am the clay.
I am just sitting here crying at who I have become and from what. Nothing short of a miracle.
I said some pretty awful things to a whole lot of people and I misdirected my anger at so many.
Wow. Wow.
No wonder my self confidence was so low. I didn't like that girl.
I almost feel sorry for me back then, I was so lost.
All that hurt, all that pain and I didn't know my healer.
I can not tell you how thankful I am for God changing me.
I'm finally who I really am.
Thank you, thank you, thank you God!!
I'm in awe at the progress I've made.
Love,
~Dianna
Hi.
I have started to blog a few times and I just can't think of anything to say.
Today is the first day I have had off in ages and at the end of it I think how boring it is just sitting at home.
I went and had an awesome workout this morning. That's about it.
Tomorrow a friend invited me over, so I'm gonna go hang out. Tomorrow afternoon is Juan's birthday dinner.
Savannah and I have been praying about things people might forget to pray for sometimes. It's cute. We prayed for all the clowns on the earth, she prayed for all the bugs in the world...Cereal makers, stray dogs. Cute, cute. I love her so very much and wish I didn't have to share her.
Well, I guess I'm out of here.
Have a great evening =) <3
Love,
Me <3
Today is the first day I have had off in ages and at the end of it I think how boring it is just sitting at home.
I went and had an awesome workout this morning. That's about it.
Tomorrow a friend invited me over, so I'm gonna go hang out. Tomorrow afternoon is Juan's birthday dinner.
Savannah and I have been praying about things people might forget to pray for sometimes. It's cute. We prayed for all the clowns on the earth, she prayed for all the bugs in the world...Cereal makers, stray dogs. Cute, cute. I love her so very much and wish I didn't have to share her.
Well, I guess I'm out of here.
Have a great evening =) <3
Love,
Me <3
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
So...
Yea, so I have a son with problems. Anxiety, panic, mood swings, severe depression. He has had a fear of school since kindergarten. Every year a constant battle to get him to go. He has been in the hospital, on meds.
People tend to blame me for this, saying I'm not an effective parent because I can't force him to go. That I'm just letting him get away with it.
I wish people would just either spend a day with a child who has a mental illness or shut up.
No one listens to me. Ever. Everyone just thinks they know best, when in reality I have been doing this for 15 years, I know exactly what I'm doing. I know what makes it better, I know what makes it worse.
I also know that I'm tired.
About a month ago, he retreated to his bed and wouldn't get up for 4 days unless it was to curse me out, pee or eat. This time since Wednesday of last week he hasn't been to school. They put him on all new meds which made him worse and then they tell me there's nothing they can do. He's angry at me and taking it all out on me. Suprise there, I'm everyones freaking punching bag.
I honestly don't know if I can go on. I keep looking for God in all of this and I can't find Him. It's one of those times where I am trying and trying with any strength I have to hold onto faith.
I can't express to you in words how exhausted I am. I'm tired of taking the brunt of his anger, I'm tired of everyone thinking they know better and they don't have a clue what I have been through or what he's going through.
He's not a brat, he's sick.
God, where are you? Why can't I see you in any of this? What did I do so wrong to deserve this for so many years? What good can come from this? I know I don't deserve help, but you promise that anything asked in your sons name shall be given.
I ask for help and You promise it. Where is it?
Pray please, I honestly could just throw myself on the floor and not get up. I'm that tired.
I don't wanna do this anymore.
~Di
People tend to blame me for this, saying I'm not an effective parent because I can't force him to go. That I'm just letting him get away with it.
I wish people would just either spend a day with a child who has a mental illness or shut up.
No one listens to me. Ever. Everyone just thinks they know best, when in reality I have been doing this for 15 years, I know exactly what I'm doing. I know what makes it better, I know what makes it worse.
I also know that I'm tired.
About a month ago, he retreated to his bed and wouldn't get up for 4 days unless it was to curse me out, pee or eat. This time since Wednesday of last week he hasn't been to school. They put him on all new meds which made him worse and then they tell me there's nothing they can do. He's angry at me and taking it all out on me. Suprise there, I'm everyones freaking punching bag.
I honestly don't know if I can go on. I keep looking for God in all of this and I can't find Him. It's one of those times where I am trying and trying with any strength I have to hold onto faith.
I can't express to you in words how exhausted I am. I'm tired of taking the brunt of his anger, I'm tired of everyone thinking they know better and they don't have a clue what I have been through or what he's going through.
He's not a brat, he's sick.
God, where are you? Why can't I see you in any of this? What did I do so wrong to deserve this for so many years? What good can come from this? I know I don't deserve help, but you promise that anything asked in your sons name shall be given.
I ask for help and You promise it. Where is it?
Pray please, I honestly could just throw myself on the floor and not get up. I'm that tired.
I don't wanna do this anymore.
~Di
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
Yea....So I miss summer...
Summer is officially gone and well...I'm a bit sad over it. I had a really good summer.
I miss my flowers, I miss taking pictures of them. I miss watering them. I miss when the seeds were growing and becoming flowers.
I need to look for the positive in fall, find the blessings and good things about winter.
Wahhhhhhhh! I don't wanna!
I have all my summer plants indoors, so that's kinda cool. Snow is cool. There are other cool things, like holidays I suppose...
I just really miss working in my yard.
The pic above was just taken about 3 weeks ago. The last blooms on my night blooming jasmine. I miss that smell.
Hope everyone is doing well.
Happy Fall =) Time changes this weekend.
Love,
~Me
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Heading in the right direction
So, this morning bit the dust quite quickly.
I'm exhausted, but I'm not functioning by my own strength, I'm functioning on the strength of the one who made me.
You ever get those feelings where your mind is going in 100 different directions? You are trying to think of solutions to problems, you are sad because you don't know what to do with the problem? I was there this morning. My mind was going crazy, I was crying...upset. I got in my car and turned to go down this long road. As I was driving I look closely at the road. The telephone poles because of the position of the sun are all perfectly made crucifixes lying before me. One right after the other.
In the midst of all the confusion running around in my head not knowing what direction to take...Seeing those and listening as I hear God say "Just keep following me."
He showed me my path and the only way I need to go is on His path. He showed me the way. A reminder from a simple telephone pole to go His way.
Taking Him up on His offer I gave Him all my troubles today. I surrendered them quicker this time and I'm going to take my joy back. The thief isn't getting my happiness today.
How long will it take before I full grasp that I can fix nothing? I can't fix this. Not even a little.
A shadow on the road was all it took for me to remember I'm on the right path. Keep following God and things will work out. Stay and don't give up. This too shall pass.
Amen.
Happy Thursday.
Dianna
I'm exhausted, but I'm not functioning by my own strength, I'm functioning on the strength of the one who made me.
You ever get those feelings where your mind is going in 100 different directions? You are trying to think of solutions to problems, you are sad because you don't know what to do with the problem? I was there this morning. My mind was going crazy, I was crying...upset. I got in my car and turned to go down this long road. As I was driving I look closely at the road. The telephone poles because of the position of the sun are all perfectly made crucifixes lying before me. One right after the other.
In the midst of all the confusion running around in my head not knowing what direction to take...Seeing those and listening as I hear God say "Just keep following me."
He showed me my path and the only way I need to go is on His path. He showed me the way. A reminder from a simple telephone pole to go His way.
Taking Him up on His offer I gave Him all my troubles today. I surrendered them quicker this time and I'm going to take my joy back. The thief isn't getting my happiness today.
How long will it take before I full grasp that I can fix nothing? I can't fix this. Not even a little.
A shadow on the road was all it took for me to remember I'm on the right path. Keep following God and things will work out. Stay and don't give up. This too shall pass.
Amen.
Happy Thursday.
Dianna
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Light
Psalm 147:4
He determines the number of the stars and He calls them each by name.
Stars are amazing. These beautiful specks of light on a black sky that twinkle and show off their light to any who decide to look up.
When a star gets exhausted and dies......Well, it becomes a black hole.
Sometimes I fear my heart is like this. People come into my life and they shine so brightly, light up my life...Then as always...They go away. I have so many black holes in my heart, places where all the light that shined so brightly........gone.
Last night I was laying in bed thinking about some of these holes in my heart. I felt the tears coming down my face and just felt so empty inside.
I get even afraid that God will leave me. Maybe He will find out who I truly am. Maybe He will see what all these others did that left me and leave me too. Maybe He will find someone better than me and just hang on to me until He does.
I know it's promised that He won't ever leave me. I try to drill this truth in my head over and over, but I keep coming back to all the people who promised all these things and now left holes in my heart.
His promises aren't empty and without meaning.
His promises are true and real.
God isn't human. God isn't like those people. God's not a liar, He's not a user, He's not a cheater.....He's God.
Wishing that He would take those feelings away isn't helping. Obviously I have to learn to work through them and find and believe the truth in them. Faith. Faith. Faith.
God can fill all my black holes with light if I let Him. I don't and I can't by myself. As I was crying last night, I told Him again and again, I can NOT do this alone. I can't.
Feels like sometimes I do everything as a Christian wrong. Maybe that's the point, I'm supposed to do it all wrong. No one gets it right.
God won't leave me. He won't. I feel like one slip up and He will say "I'm out of here, this chick so isn't worth it." But He won't.
He won't.
He won't.
He won't.
That would be one black hole I couldn't fill.
Jesus totally is the light of this world. I wish I could've known Him and walked with Him. Wish I could've ran behind Him, just to touch his cloak.
John 8:12
12When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."
He is the total light in my life. How great He truly is.
How Great Thou Art
O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!
When through the woods, and forest glades I wander,
And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees.
When I look down, from lofty mountain grandeur
And see the brook, and feel the gentle breeze.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!
And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing;
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!
When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,
And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!
Happy Saturday.
Love,
Me
He determines the number of the stars and He calls them each by name.
Stars are amazing. These beautiful specks of light on a black sky that twinkle and show off their light to any who decide to look up.
When a star gets exhausted and dies......Well, it becomes a black hole.
Sometimes I fear my heart is like this. People come into my life and they shine so brightly, light up my life...Then as always...They go away. I have so many black holes in my heart, places where all the light that shined so brightly........gone.
Last night I was laying in bed thinking about some of these holes in my heart. I felt the tears coming down my face and just felt so empty inside.
I get even afraid that God will leave me. Maybe He will find out who I truly am. Maybe He will see what all these others did that left me and leave me too. Maybe He will find someone better than me and just hang on to me until He does.
I know it's promised that He won't ever leave me. I try to drill this truth in my head over and over, but I keep coming back to all the people who promised all these things and now left holes in my heart.
His promises aren't empty and without meaning.
His promises are true and real.
God isn't human. God isn't like those people. God's not a liar, He's not a user, He's not a cheater.....He's God.
Wishing that He would take those feelings away isn't helping. Obviously I have to learn to work through them and find and believe the truth in them. Faith. Faith. Faith.
God can fill all my black holes with light if I let Him. I don't and I can't by myself. As I was crying last night, I told Him again and again, I can NOT do this alone. I can't.
Feels like sometimes I do everything as a Christian wrong. Maybe that's the point, I'm supposed to do it all wrong. No one gets it right.
God won't leave me. He won't. I feel like one slip up and He will say "I'm out of here, this chick so isn't worth it." But He won't.
He won't.
He won't.
He won't.
That would be one black hole I couldn't fill.
Jesus totally is the light of this world. I wish I could've known Him and walked with Him. Wish I could've ran behind Him, just to touch his cloak.
John 8:12
12When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."
He is the total light in my life. How great He truly is.
How Great Thou Art
O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!
When through the woods, and forest glades I wander,
And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees.
When I look down, from lofty mountain grandeur
And see the brook, and feel the gentle breeze.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!
And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing;
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!
When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,
And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!
Happy Saturday.
Love,
Me
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
A few pics =)
My sweet baby doggy =D His tumors are getting bigger. I wish they'd disappear.
My son left and his good friend Jessie. They are on the football team together. Jessie went all over God's great green earth with us this weekend.
The wall they climbed and I used to climb it when I was their age, so that's kinda cool =)Happy Tuesday!
Love,
Dianna
Monday, October 18, 2010
Psalm 23:1 The LORD is my shepherd
Psalm 23:1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want
Today a rest period after 3 straight weeks of being gone. I literally most days was only at my house to sleep. I haven't had much of a chance to spend with God at all. We had our little exchanges in the car and I haven't missed church...But, church and I have been disconnected the past couple of weeks.
Bible study has become my God time where not only do we study the word, my aunt and I share everything and it's all God centered. It's so nice to have someone to talk to about that. I cherish that time every week.
After a long nap to day I woke up, came to the computer and watched a broadcast my aunt had told me was very good on blessings, then I went back to my room to have some one on one God time.
I had missed those days!! We talked about all kinds of things and I always ask God questions to find out more about Him. Some days it will be what's your favorite color, or where is your favorite place to visit on earth. Today it was "What's your favorite thing in my house?" Immediately he answers "you." It instantly brought me to tears and was just the sweetest thing I have heard in forever! So, after I cry I ask God, "What is your favorite material thing in my house?" He tells me to get up and go to my curio cabinet.
I open it up and I say "The angel up there?" "Yes" He says. I look at it and really had never paid any attention to it. It is an angel my aunt gave to me when she was moving. I turn it over and it said on the bottom "The Lords Prayer" So I wound it up and just listened to it. I have pics below of it. The angel had sheep on it's lap and by it's side and I said to God..."Why sheep?."
He led (As shepherds do =D ) me to my answers as he always does. "You are my sheep" He says. He tells me to go and read what a Shepherd does...So I followed and read.
John 10:5 hits home with me really well.
John 10:5 But they will never follow a stranger, in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice.
How true. I am learning so much about people, preachers,life and what is God and what is not God. I'm no expert on what God is, but I know quite a bit what He is not. Every day I am learning about His voice. His is sweet like no other and I do know it. The more time I spend with Him, the more I know the distinction.
The other thing that jumped out at me was Matthew 10:6
Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves.
I feel like I live in the wolf den! Me and my aunt were talking last night about things people do..Really,really mean spirited things. There is no understanding why people want to hurt one another. I told my aunt last night "I think there is a target on me that says use me." Men can spot my gentleness MILES and MILES away. Sometimes I go over and over in my head why they said a certain thing to me with only the intent to hurt me... Gonna start dating from the sheep pen not the wolf den!
Good thing the ultimate Shepherd laid down His life for me. That's what shepherds do. At night when all the shepherds are at the same spot and all their sheep mingle, in the morning they call out to the sheep and each one goes to the right master. The shepherd goes before the sheep. He encounters every wolf before they do and clears the path. I just look at all the enemies God has cleared out on my own path and think about how much worse it could've been. Thankfully...
The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not want;
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters;
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil;
for you are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life;
and I shall dwell in the house of the
Lord forever.
Psalm 23
That was my lesson on why Shepherds. I'm so glad to be His sheep!
=) I Love Him!
Love,
Me
Today a rest period after 3 straight weeks of being gone. I literally most days was only at my house to sleep. I haven't had much of a chance to spend with God at all. We had our little exchanges in the car and I haven't missed church...But, church and I have been disconnected the past couple of weeks.
Bible study has become my God time where not only do we study the word, my aunt and I share everything and it's all God centered. It's so nice to have someone to talk to about that. I cherish that time every week.
After a long nap to day I woke up, came to the computer and watched a broadcast my aunt had told me was very good on blessings, then I went back to my room to have some one on one God time.
I had missed those days!! We talked about all kinds of things and I always ask God questions to find out more about Him. Some days it will be what's your favorite color, or where is your favorite place to visit on earth. Today it was "What's your favorite thing in my house?" Immediately he answers "you." It instantly brought me to tears and was just the sweetest thing I have heard in forever! So, after I cry I ask God, "What is your favorite material thing in my house?" He tells me to get up and go to my curio cabinet.
I open it up and I say "The angel up there?" "Yes" He says. I look at it and really had never paid any attention to it. It is an angel my aunt gave to me when she was moving. I turn it over and it said on the bottom "The Lords Prayer" So I wound it up and just listened to it. I have pics below of it. The angel had sheep on it's lap and by it's side and I said to God..."Why sheep?."
He led (As shepherds do =D ) me to my answers as he always does. "You are my sheep" He says. He tells me to go and read what a Shepherd does...So I followed and read.
John 10:5 hits home with me really well.
John 10:5 But they will never follow a stranger, in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice.
How true. I am learning so much about people, preachers,life and what is God and what is not God. I'm no expert on what God is, but I know quite a bit what He is not. Every day I am learning about His voice. His is sweet like no other and I do know it. The more time I spend with Him, the more I know the distinction.
The other thing that jumped out at me was Matthew 10:6
Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves.
I feel like I live in the wolf den! Me and my aunt were talking last night about things people do..Really,really mean spirited things. There is no understanding why people want to hurt one another. I told my aunt last night "I think there is a target on me that says use me." Men can spot my gentleness MILES and MILES away. Sometimes I go over and over in my head why they said a certain thing to me with only the intent to hurt me... Gonna start dating from the sheep pen not the wolf den!
Good thing the ultimate Shepherd laid down His life for me. That's what shepherds do. At night when all the shepherds are at the same spot and all their sheep mingle, in the morning they call out to the sheep and each one goes to the right master. The shepherd goes before the sheep. He encounters every wolf before they do and clears the path. I just look at all the enemies God has cleared out on my own path and think about how much worse it could've been. Thankfully...
The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not want;
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters;
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil;
for you are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life;
and I shall dwell in the house of the
Lord forever.
Psalm 23
That was my lesson on why Shepherds. I'm so glad to be His sheep!
=) I Love Him!
Love,
Me
Friday, October 15, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Pride
Proverbs 16:18-19
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed than to share plunder with the proud.
Yes, I'm guilty of it. I have received countless emails, phone calls, texts about my blog and why it's closed. The only answer I can give to you is my pride.
People read this where I express my deepest feelings and then in turn, they use those feelings against me.
Some people are so arrogant that they think everything I write is about them and that couldn't be further from the truth. I know quite a few people. Not everything in this world is about you!
Over the past few weeks I have been a bit (a lot) depressed. It wasn't from circumstances in my life, it was from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I haven't written much about it here, it's quite embarrassing to have it.
Some things happened a few weeks ago and it sent me into flash back stage. It's not like people are shell shocked and run all over the place screaming.......I just go back emotionally to hard times in my life and actually get the same feelings I got when I was in those situations. This overwhelming sense of desperation...Sadness, guilt. I replay the incidents over and over and have no clue why I'm even thinking about them. Thinking about what I could've done differently. When I was hit, when someone was manipulating me, when someone was saying harsh things......... Ring tones can trigger them, someone saying something or doing something can trigger them........People can trigger them.
No one understands. If you have your arm missing or something and people can see it, they are sympathetic towards you. If you have disabilities mentally, something people can't see......People are very ignorant to that and lack empathy in that department. They view you as weak, when they are the ones who made you that way in the first place.
Let me tell you.......The feelings are very real and it's very hard to deal with. Especially when you don't know what's going on and why you feel like that.
When I was removing people from my life, they were people who triggered flash backs for me. People who used me or hurt me so severely even the slightest word from them could send me down into a deep depression.
So, to not give them ammunition anymore, I turned my blog off. I missed writing and I missed sharing things, but I had to get back on my feet emotionally before I could start to write again.
When I last wrote, I wrote about someone doing something pretty bad to me, disrespecting me in a big way. Hurting me. I will lower my pride once again and say....It sent me into the stinking flash back mode. Depressed, crying......Not knowing what was wrong with me.
Therapy, therapy, therapy to remind me, nothing is wrong with me. Only them. Therapy to help me understand I'm not crazy, I have suffered a lot of abuse. It happens.
I did a lot of praying to God and He revealed as always so much to me. I always come out smarter. I'm out of that mode, I'm back to normal and praising God for delivering me.
That is not a fun place to be on any level.
Just bear with me if I don't write much, it's tough when people use your feelings as weapons against you. So, I'm going to be really careful about what I put here.
On a side note, my life is going fantastic. Juan finally got the help he needed with the right therapists and the meds they have him on are amazing!! The appointments are far away and it's a lot of driving on my part, but I'd triple the days and the drives if the results are the same.
His football is going fantastic, his school work is fantastic.
A true miracle indeed and praise to God!!
Love,
Dianna
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed than to share plunder with the proud.
Yes, I'm guilty of it. I have received countless emails, phone calls, texts about my blog and why it's closed. The only answer I can give to you is my pride.
People read this where I express my deepest feelings and then in turn, they use those feelings against me.
Some people are so arrogant that they think everything I write is about them and that couldn't be further from the truth. I know quite a few people. Not everything in this world is about you!
Over the past few weeks I have been a bit (a lot) depressed. It wasn't from circumstances in my life, it was from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I haven't written much about it here, it's quite embarrassing to have it.
Some things happened a few weeks ago and it sent me into flash back stage. It's not like people are shell shocked and run all over the place screaming.......I just go back emotionally to hard times in my life and actually get the same feelings I got when I was in those situations. This overwhelming sense of desperation...Sadness, guilt. I replay the incidents over and over and have no clue why I'm even thinking about them. Thinking about what I could've done differently. When I was hit, when someone was manipulating me, when someone was saying harsh things......... Ring tones can trigger them, someone saying something or doing something can trigger them........People can trigger them.
No one understands. If you have your arm missing or something and people can see it, they are sympathetic towards you. If you have disabilities mentally, something people can't see......People are very ignorant to that and lack empathy in that department. They view you as weak, when they are the ones who made you that way in the first place.
Let me tell you.......The feelings are very real and it's very hard to deal with. Especially when you don't know what's going on and why you feel like that.
When I was removing people from my life, they were people who triggered flash backs for me. People who used me or hurt me so severely even the slightest word from them could send me down into a deep depression.
So, to not give them ammunition anymore, I turned my blog off. I missed writing and I missed sharing things, but I had to get back on my feet emotionally before I could start to write again.
When I last wrote, I wrote about someone doing something pretty bad to me, disrespecting me in a big way. Hurting me. I will lower my pride once again and say....It sent me into the stinking flash back mode. Depressed, crying......Not knowing what was wrong with me.
Therapy, therapy, therapy to remind me, nothing is wrong with me. Only them. Therapy to help me understand I'm not crazy, I have suffered a lot of abuse. It happens.
I did a lot of praying to God and He revealed as always so much to me. I always come out smarter. I'm out of that mode, I'm back to normal and praising God for delivering me.
That is not a fun place to be on any level.
Just bear with me if I don't write much, it's tough when people use your feelings as weapons against you. So, I'm going to be really careful about what I put here.
On a side note, my life is going fantastic. Juan finally got the help he needed with the right therapists and the meds they have him on are amazing!! The appointments are far away and it's a lot of driving on my part, but I'd triple the days and the drives if the results are the same.
His football is going fantastic, his school work is fantastic.
A true miracle indeed and praise to God!!
Love,
Dianna
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
Better =)
Just stopping by to say I'm a lot better tonight =)
I left all my email loops (part of that pruning I speak of so often) and I know some come by here to check on me.
My spirits are much better. I had lunch today with a good friend and just being with another adult and talking helped immensely.
If you hadn't guessed, someone treated me with complete and total disrespect, used me for their own gain and to prove a point to someone else. It hurt.
I didn't see it coming, but then again, I never do.
I don't grasp meanness.
I wish I didn't have to grasp hurt so well. I don't wear it well and yet wear it so often.
God is teaching me through it and this last hurt saved me a lot of future trouble.
Blessing in disguise. I look to see someone has changed for the better, but find they have changed for the worse.
I asked for wisdom in the situation and received it. Praise be to God!
Nitey nite!
Love,
Me =)
I left all my email loops (part of that pruning I speak of so often) and I know some come by here to check on me.
My spirits are much better. I had lunch today with a good friend and just being with another adult and talking helped immensely.
If you hadn't guessed, someone treated me with complete and total disrespect, used me for their own gain and to prove a point to someone else. It hurt.
I didn't see it coming, but then again, I never do.
I don't grasp meanness.
I wish I didn't have to grasp hurt so well. I don't wear it well and yet wear it so often.
God is teaching me through it and this last hurt saved me a lot of future trouble.
Blessing in disguise. I look to see someone has changed for the better, but find they have changed for the worse.
I asked for wisdom in the situation and received it. Praise be to God!
Nitey nite!
Love,
Me =)
Monday, October 04, 2010
Grace
Not sure if I will be pulling an all nighter. I refuse to go to bed til God gives me enough grace, peace.....anything to take away all this anger.
I get a lot of comments and private emails about my blog and my blog being truthful.
Sometimes I hate the truth.
You know the guilt one feels as a God loving Christian who wants to scratch someones eyes out? You know the guilt I feel as a Christian who just wants to take my hands and punch them through walls because I am so sick and tired of people who claim to be men?
The the guilt of with God I'm supposed to be walking in love.... I'm not doing that when I'm so angry. Love right now is far from me, which means I am separated from God whom I need most right now.
Do you know how sick I am of being used by people? Do you know how tired I am of accepting ALL the responsibilities that people refuse? Do you know how much my heart hurts because people continually take things from me and rip it out?
Oh, but I'm a good person..... So that gives all these people every right to come in and take what they want from me.
I'm angry. That anger burns me so much tonight I don't know whether I want to cry, hit something or run. I know I need to be praying, but I'm just entirely too pissed off to even think about going before God.
That's probably the time I should, but what will He say? Wait on me.....I just get so sick and tired of waiting. That's all I ever hear.
Am I hearing Him wrong?
Where's the line between being a doormat Christian or just waiting on the Lord to take care of these people.
Maybe it's a lesson I'm not learning?
Am I failing at being a Christian because this keeps happening?
Then I have to remember the Gospel and know that Jesus died for the very sins I am commiting every 5 seconds tonight.
What am I doing? Always waiting?
Waiting is so hard and am I even supposed to be waiting?
I don't understand.
How much of this is my fault?
I just don't understand so much tonight and I'm just mad.
Quit taking things from me! Sometimes I just feel like a car and at one time I was nice, had all my wheels......fresh paint....
Throw in some men and I'm a stripped vehicle no wheels, paints chipped and rusted, gutted out for parts. Nothing good left and yet people just come along to take what ever is left.
Just put me in the junkyard.
Funny thing is....... Since were using the car analogy...... I built them up, even took from my own car to put on theirs.
Not one single man EVER in my life has been honest and really cared about me or my kids. I think I attract narcissists... What can I take from her? She's of no value to me, lets use her as a bench warmer and keep her around for awhile, then after I use her and need her no more she can go...
Yea, I'm not stupid to see that I've been used every time for what ever reason.
No, I haven't went on a date recently and it's gone bad. I wouldn't even consider dating at this point because every single man who has been in my life has sucked me dry. Have I done things wrong? Oh, you bet. Did I use them, take, take, take from them, lie to them to lead them on? No, never.
Leading someone on for your own benefit is about as low as it can get.
You say that's not the case. Oh, it is the case. A spades a spade.
Never make promises to someone that you have no intentions of keeping. It's sick. What joy do you get from that? What joy comes from leading someone on?
I can't think like that, because I'm not like that.
You are only as good as your word. Good thing I know now how many words were just junk. Lies. Lies. Lies.
I'm not saying I'm perfect. I have done things in all my relationships that I'm not proud of.....But I've never used anyone.
Sitting in my pit I ask......
How much more God? How much? What the heck am I doing wrong now?
How much more waiting? What the heck am I waiting for anyways? Why do these people do these things to me and why do me and my kids suffer for it? They are doing stuff wrong, why do I get the crap out of it?
God...........I don't understand. Not any.
That's truth.
To top all this stress off, my dog has developed three more tumors.
I got him when I moved out of the women's shelter. He is the absolute love of my life. I'm scared and I'm sad.
Did I mention I'm angry?????
Frick. Night.
Pray for me please. Pray all these spineless men without a backbone just leave me alone. Funny, I can leave ALL of them alone, but none can me. I have nothing left fellas, you stripped me, lied to me and left me for the junk yard. Don't want anymore dog and pony shows. Try truth on. It's not always easy to wear, but it makes you a real man.
Just go away. Please.
I get a lot of comments and private emails about my blog and my blog being truthful.
Sometimes I hate the truth.
You know the guilt one feels as a God loving Christian who wants to scratch someones eyes out? You know the guilt I feel as a Christian who just wants to take my hands and punch them through walls because I am so sick and tired of people who claim to be men?
The the guilt of with God I'm supposed to be walking in love.... I'm not doing that when I'm so angry. Love right now is far from me, which means I am separated from God whom I need most right now.
Do you know how sick I am of being used by people? Do you know how tired I am of accepting ALL the responsibilities that people refuse? Do you know how much my heart hurts because people continually take things from me and rip it out?
Oh, but I'm a good person..... So that gives all these people every right to come in and take what they want from me.
I'm angry. That anger burns me so much tonight I don't know whether I want to cry, hit something or run. I know I need to be praying, but I'm just entirely too pissed off to even think about going before God.
That's probably the time I should, but what will He say? Wait on me.....I just get so sick and tired of waiting. That's all I ever hear.
Am I hearing Him wrong?
Where's the line between being a doormat Christian or just waiting on the Lord to take care of these people.
Maybe it's a lesson I'm not learning?
Am I failing at being a Christian because this keeps happening?
Then I have to remember the Gospel and know that Jesus died for the very sins I am commiting every 5 seconds tonight.
What am I doing? Always waiting?
Waiting is so hard and am I even supposed to be waiting?
I don't understand.
How much of this is my fault?
I just don't understand so much tonight and I'm just mad.
Quit taking things from me! Sometimes I just feel like a car and at one time I was nice, had all my wheels......fresh paint....
Throw in some men and I'm a stripped vehicle no wheels, paints chipped and rusted, gutted out for parts. Nothing good left and yet people just come along to take what ever is left.
Just put me in the junkyard.
Funny thing is....... Since were using the car analogy...... I built them up, even took from my own car to put on theirs.
Not one single man EVER in my life has been honest and really cared about me or my kids. I think I attract narcissists... What can I take from her? She's of no value to me, lets use her as a bench warmer and keep her around for awhile, then after I use her and need her no more she can go...
Yea, I'm not stupid to see that I've been used every time for what ever reason.
No, I haven't went on a date recently and it's gone bad. I wouldn't even consider dating at this point because every single man who has been in my life has sucked me dry. Have I done things wrong? Oh, you bet. Did I use them, take, take, take from them, lie to them to lead them on? No, never.
Leading someone on for your own benefit is about as low as it can get.
You say that's not the case. Oh, it is the case. A spades a spade.
Never make promises to someone that you have no intentions of keeping. It's sick. What joy do you get from that? What joy comes from leading someone on?
I can't think like that, because I'm not like that.
You are only as good as your word. Good thing I know now how many words were just junk. Lies. Lies. Lies.
I'm not saying I'm perfect. I have done things in all my relationships that I'm not proud of.....But I've never used anyone.
Sitting in my pit I ask......
How much more God? How much? What the heck am I doing wrong now?
How much more waiting? What the heck am I waiting for anyways? Why do these people do these things to me and why do me and my kids suffer for it? They are doing stuff wrong, why do I get the crap out of it?
God...........I don't understand. Not any.
That's truth.
To top all this stress off, my dog has developed three more tumors.
I got him when I moved out of the women's shelter. He is the absolute love of my life. I'm scared and I'm sad.
Did I mention I'm angry?????
Frick. Night.
Pray for me please. Pray all these spineless men without a backbone just leave me alone. Funny, I can leave ALL of them alone, but none can me. I have nothing left fellas, you stripped me, lied to me and left me for the junk yard. Don't want anymore dog and pony shows. Try truth on. It's not always easy to wear, but it makes you a real man.
Just go away. Please.
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