Been A While

My life is never, ever boring.

It's always stressful and lately I'm just sad.

My oldest dog Opie is sick. He's has a condition called Geriatric Vestibular Disorder. Basically oddly enough.........He's dizzy.

Ironic how he basically has the same thing I do. This morning is day 3 and I woke up hoping to see some major change in his condition and was disappointed that there are only miniscule improvements.

I called the vet this morning and she said it can take up to 2 weeks to notice improvements.

Either way it woke me up to the absolute reality that my baby is almost 14 years old, he will be going up to visit Jesus sooner than later. My heart isn't quite ready to let him go and I trust that God has his hand on it and trust that it will be a perfect time.

My life is such a mess as a whole. I find myself not caring about so much lately. My heart is fading w/ certain people and I try to hang on and hang on and my heart is changed and it's really hard to hold on to something that isn't there anymore.

I keep hoping something will spark feelings, but it doesn't. Part of it is distance, I don't know what the rest is.

I'm angry at my ex-husband because his life is working out so well. I want to run and tell his fiance about all the crap from last year when he was talking to me and wreck his happiness............but, I can't.

That's not the right way. I don't understand why when he treated me and my boys so bad, his life works out. I know I wasn't perfect, depression killed everything at the end, but matters weren't helped by yelling day in and yelling day out at anyone in his path.

I have asked God over and over to take these feelings out of my heart, but they don't go.

I'm really frustrated lately because I feel like I'm doing nothing right to get my prayers answered. I ask anyway out of faith, but I'm not expecting answers at all because of my complete disobedience to God.

I don't know what the answers are to any of this. It's like w/ everyone around me, I'm so afraid of letting anything go because I don't know what life holds outside of what I have now. Will things come along that are worse?

I have therapy today, more of the same.

Pray for me please, my heads just in a maxium capacity overload.

Love,

Me

It's Wednesday

Just got out of bed, passing time til I meet some people at the gym. So, I thought I'd bloggety blog.

I'm still in quite a mess. My weekend was horrible. One of the worst I have had in quite awhile. I still am not sure what to do about that mess.

I've changed a lot lately. In instances where I thought I was weak, I'm not. Situations and people I'd never thought I could live with out, I know I can. Changing like that and then applying it are two different things.

I know what I want out of life and I know where I sit currently I'm not going to get it. Therapy is helping me so much. Maybe it's because I'm applying what he says in most areas.

I was talking to a friend the other day and he says "Dianna, you can't open and know what is behind one door, unless you close the others."

This statement has stuck in my head since he said it. It's true. I'm just always afraid what's behind the new doors will be worse than what's behind the doors I already have.

I guess I just live life with too much fear. Right now too much anger and resentment at people.

So........I don't know what to do, but I'm closer than I was yesterday and tomorrow I'll be closer than I was today.

That's my hope and for the first time in a long time I have it!!

Things are going to be okay!

Love,

Me

What Have I Done?

I woke up from the dream that is my life and I am my own crown of thorns.

What the hell did I do?

What the hell did I throw away?

What the hell am I thinking?

I wish I wasn't so distant from God lately. I need so much help and my heart physically hurts.

Good grief, what did I do?

Sigh,

Love,

Me

God.......Help me.

This is not my home

Just listened to this and cried my wee little eyes out


I'm just so thankful that I won't always have to stay here. I 'm so tired of mean people, vindictive people, angry people.........I'm tired

I'm sooooooooo glad that I don't always have to stay here. I can't wait to go to my real home and leave this place.

Just windows and walls, I'm just passing through, this is my temporary home.

Thank God.

LOve,

Me

Been A Long, Long, Long Time

Haven't been updating much because nothing has change lol =D

Christmas came and went. It was really good at points, and at some points it just was.

Have not been crying at all lately. It has been extremely nice. I still feel sad inside and angry, but the tears have stopped.

I'm frustrated lately with people not hearing me and not understanding what I am trying to say. They always jump to their own conclusion without hearing what I'm trying to tell them and I just drop it because they aren't going to see my point. It drives me nuts when people try to disprove what I already know, but are totally on the wrong track with what I'm trying to say.

It happens a lot. It's frustrating.

I also am realizing the magnitude of anger I have at the fact that I got sick. I feel like it took my life away and if I'm going through the stages of grief, I'm over depression and straight into anger.

I'm not sure what to do with it all. I don't know how to just stop the swirling of life and get back on track.

I signed up at church for counseling and there's a lot of stuff I HAVE to do that I don't want to. I think it will be good for me though. I'm not going to try to change everything at once. One thing at a time.

I went to the gym last week twice, getting ready to go now and make that change first.

I need something, wish God would send it.

Wish people would listen to me and listen to what I say.

Wish I lived in Florida on the beach.

Wish this part of my life was over and past.

Argh.

Have a great new year, I'm hoping mines filled with a lot more happier moments =)

Love,

Me

Dreams of rainbows

Last night I dreamed of a rainbow. I kept chasing it and trying to take pics of it. I remember how dark the sky was and how bright the rainbow was.

My aunt emailed me about Daniels sermon last week. I haven't been going to church lately and she told me to listen to it.

I laid in bed and put it on and listened. It was about Noah and how awful people were and how God wiped them all out.

Daniel said something that really hit home with me. Over and over again I always say to myself....."I'm not good like those people there. They do things right." Daniel said those exact words except in the context of "People think they do, but we are the worst ones. We all sin, we all fall short."

A lot of people call me, text me, email me to find out where I am. Why I've dropped off the face of the earth. God and I will work it out together. I have to have faith that His hand is on this, because if it wasn't I would be in a whole lot of trouble.

In my world with so much confusion, the one thing that I know for certain is how much I love Jesus.

I absolutely love him. What he did for us. Thanking God for His gift to this world, thanking God for His abundant grace at times when I act like this.

I can't find any Christmas spirit, I'm not sure what's going on, but it's gone. Maybe it's what Christmas has turned into. Maybe it's because it's all about money anymore and who gets what.

I'm going to go buy a Christmas tree and put it up and do it because I'm glad that Jesus was our gift to this fallen world.

Watching the news, seeing the way the world has fallen and remembering what a precious gift was given to us. Knowing that Jesus paid for my sin so I can leave this world and go home some day.

This isn't my home.

Thank you Jesus for what you did and thank you God for rainbows which tells me that it's going to be okay. The story of Noah, the story of the rainbow and the covenant that you keep your promise.

I love you papa!

Love,

Me

Where's The Dianna I Know?

I'm not sure where I'm at lately. I know without a doubt, I'm clinically depressed and that take a lot of who you are with it.

Depression is ugly. I often wonder if it will ever just go away.

Sometimes I wonder if I had this or had that, maybe things would be better. Seems lately nothing gets any better.

I used to find a lot of joy in Jesus, but it left too. I watch shows sometimes about God, but lately they frustrate me because there's a laundry list of stuff you have to do and if it's not done right, they say God won't answer your prayers.

I haven't stopped praying, but maybe just a little I stopped expecting any answers. I'm not really praying anymore because I want something. I truly love God and just knowing He is there, makes things easier.

I cried the other day out of nowhere, thinking about Jesus. Thinking about what he did for us. Thinking that because of him, one day I can leave this earth and go home.

I wait for God to fix me, it's a vicious circle though, because that requires obedience and I'm anything but.

Still waiting for my Christmas miracle. Anything to just jostle me into the spirit of Christmas.

I still haven't put my tree up.

Sigh.

Have a great week!

Love,

Moi!

Where are you Christmas?

Every year the day after Thanksgiving, sometimes even Thanksgiving night I have put up my Christmas tree.

This year I just don't have it in me to do it. The want that is. I love what Christmas stands for. I love the fact that our Savior came to this world.

But the Christmas we celebrate, I just don't want to. Money, things, stuff that never gets touched or put up in the closet.

I wish God would show me some real Christmas spirit somewhere that doesn't have anything to do with money or things.

Maybe a moment somewhere of someone just being nice.

I have watched Christmas movies over and over day in and day out this year. None of it's real. All these people find Christmas love or get Christmas miracles. It's just not real.

I want to go stand under a tree somewhere and have this man come out of nowhere that just falls in love with me as I am.

It just doesn't happen.

I've lost myself so badly. I just long to find myself and I don't know where to look.

I'm tired of noise. I'm tired of lies and exhaustion. I'm just tired of my life as it is.

I Savannah is the one thing in my life that keeps me going.

Hopefully I'll find myself this Christmas.

Peace and Love

Dianna

Betty

Last year about this time, I blogged about Betty.

Over the year I got to know her very well. My work out buddy. I saw her the week I got sick. She told me she would pray for me and to just hold on.

The one thing that always stuck with me was when she said "As long as I'm working out, I'm fighting the cancer."

Cindy knew how close we had gotten and called me today with the news that Betty's body is shutting down and she will pass very soon.

I'm just sad.

Cancer is a four-letter word. It's a thief that robs people of their life and robs families of their loved ones.

She fought so hard, she was so strong.

Her husband came in to cancel her membership because "She won't be coming back" he says.

So final. I have to keep in mind that while on earth there are so many goodbyes, but in heaven, you never have to say goodbye again.

God will pull her out of this world and take her into His. She won't be in pain anymore, she won't have to fight anymore.

I will see her again and at our next meeting, there doesn't have to be a goodbye.

Love,

Me

He Loves Me

God never ceases to amaze me. A couple of weeks ago, I came across this video of starlings roosting. It was so amazing, it actually brought tears to my eyes. I have never seen that many birds before and was so amazed at them. I remember watching it and thinking how amazing and awesome God is. I told Him I wanted to see that someday.

Tonight I had to get out of the house for awhile. Something someone had said to me had me on the verge of tears for a lil bit and I was fighting to hold back tears.

I talked to God and just started telling all my problems and how I don't know what to do. About 3 seconds into my heart spill, I hear an almost audible, "Look up"


If you look closely at the full picture it looks like a giant arm leading the birds where to go =)

That is what I saw. Starlings were roosting and it looked like they were coming out of the sun. They flew all around me my whole walk. Sometimes they would land a few houses in front of me. There were hundreds of birds. Another moment I won't ever forget.

I love when God shows off. =D

It was such a wonderful present. It was so amazing the way I couldn't see part of them because the sun was so bright, but all around the sun they were just flying in their patterns.

He LOVES me. He doesn't care how much I weigh, He doesn't care that right now I'm depressed, He doesn't care that sometimes I say or do the wrong thing, He doesn't care that I don't know much about certain things, He doesn't care that right now I don't have a job.

What great lengths He goes through to show me He loves me as I am.

Face value.

He LOVES me.

Love,

Me

=) Thanking God He doesn't base His love on things earthly people see and judge us by. He knows my heart and it's good.

Thursday...

You know, life isn't really very long.

I lay in bed this morning thinking about time, time going by in years, months, hours and days.

Since my dream the other night, I have been thinking a lot about how much of my time I have wasted. How much time I continue to waste, but I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be right where I am doing what I'm doing.......Or if I'm supposed to be doing something else.

Inching slowly back into my relationship with God. I've missed Him so much and turned away from Him, in the most difficult time in my life.

I watched a show the other day that talked about how God loves us through other people. He doesn't come down in the form of Himself to tell us, He shows us through people. At that pivotal moment I truly felt how much He loves me.

When I think of how much I hate doing laundry, at least I have clothes to wash. When I think or complain of how much I hate doing dishes, good Lord, at least I have dishes to eat out of. I see the nice things around me and I have so many nice things. God truly has loved on me and used other people to convey that love. I've never, ever went without one thing even for one day and I acted like such a spoiled brat. Good thing about God is, I asked for forgiveness and I am forgiven. Approaching life with more of a thankful attitude.

I asked God to lead me to what I'm supposed to have in my life. I want someone to share my life with. I want to get married again. I want someone to do life with. Life is so hard and sometimes so wonderful that I want someone to walk through it with.

I was so unsure of that before. I was so adamant about never being married again, but He showed me in my heart, that I do want to be married again.

I've got to change so much to get there, or should I say, He has to change so much for me to get there. I have so much to learn still, but I still have some years, months, days and hours to learn what I need to.

Going to quit trying to make things happen and just let Him lead me where it is I need to be.

I'm hearing Him again. I know that I know that I know it's Him.

Fear opens the door for satan to work, faith opens up the door for my Father to work.

Pray that I can leave these fears and have the courage to do what I need to do to move forward.

Courage....I need it.

Love,

Me =)

Sunday Once Again

I miss February. That's back when I got my job and I was on top of the world. I'm done analyzing what happened, it just did.

Trying to figure out how to get my life back is where I'm at now.

Had a lot of vivid dreams over the past few days. Friday night I dreamed mamaw was sitting with me in a gray empty room. There were 2 chairs. She was in one, I was in the other. She spoke loudly and said "You are wasting so much time" I kept asking her over and over again what she meant and she said loudly one more time "All you need to know is that you are wasting a lot of time."

Then last night I dreamed that I was getting baptized again. My whole entire family was there and I was so excited to be baptized again...The lady who was going to baptize me was reading my testimony and one by one my family went out. I kept asking where they were and my mom would say "someone more important needs them" I looked out the window and they were all doing other things. I got back in the tub and my mom was still there and she was waiting and the lady who was baptizing me got a phone call and said she needed to leave and couldn't finish. I sat in the tub crying and just felt so empty.

Right after that I dreamed I was at my old Grandma Spies house. I looked out front and there was a box and I knew what was in there and realized someone had take stuff out of the box. I went around to the side door and someone else was in there. I ran over to Tessa and Keiths to call 911 and tell them someone was in my grandmas house...He asked me to do his dishes while I waited for the police. I didn't want to do his dishes, but he was adamant that I do them. So I sat there while I waited. I looked out his kitchen window and I saw my grandma spies and she was screaming "someones in my house." I told her I'd finish the dishes and be right there and that I had called police.

So weird these dreams.

=(

Okay, happy Sunday

Love,

Dianna

Sigh

Dealing with my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder again today. It's funny recognizing what it is. It's funny what triggers it.

I would think my brain would realize the difference. It doesn't.

Elmer came in this past weekend. We had a great time and he had to leave. What triggered it was cleaning up his bottle he was drinking out of, the towel he used. Stuff like that.

After Brett died, I remember everyone just cleaning up his stuff and I wanted the cup he drank out of, I wanted the shirt he was wearing. I didn't want to touch anything.

After Elmer left yesterday it was hard for me to throw his water bottle away or wash his towel. I cried most of the afternoon because I had to tell my brain, he's not dead, he's just not here.

Today I'm emotionally worn out from that. Every time I went to touch something that he did, that scene from the day Brett died came back into my head. Telling myself over and over.....it's okay to throw it away. The bottle is insignificant.

I guess I just wanted to hold on and seeing those things around my house is a reality that he was really here.

Hard to fool a brain.

I hate goodbye. =(

Love,

Me

A Re-Introduction of Dianna

I'm Dianna 39 years old, blonde hair, blue eyes. I'd like that think that's about all I have to say about myself. But it's not. I notice silly things like that sentence before this one is a fragment. Is it sentence or sentance? Stuff like that is what goes through my simple mind.

Lately I have embarked on a journey of self discovery. Who am I and what the hell do I want out of life? I try to think of things I know about myself. I do know that I am on a big chessboard. The way I act, the way I write.........everything dictated by who is moving my pieces that day. Some people in my life know exactly who's moving what piece all the time. I love those people.

I like the color of yellow. Not bright yellow, soft, pale yellow. I like bowling, although I'm not sure why. I love my puppy dogs, all dogs. That's about all I know of likes. I used to like to paint and draw, but when Juan (big Juan) broke all my pencils and tore up my work...I stopped.

I wonder all the time about what gives people the right to take things from other people. Take away their self esteem, take away their happiness. I do wish I was a strong enough woman to not let anyone take anything.

I soul search a lot. But I guess everyone knows that about me. I never let anyone drive me. I only can drive myself. I have let Elmer and Steve drive me. I think my aunt once. I was 17...In a truck w/ my step sister, a preachers son and his friend. We were out in Bullit County on this old country dirt road. The preachers son was driving and he was going fast. I was scared and crying and they thought this was quite funny. I was sick to my stomach. So.........I beg to be let out and they wouldn't let me. They go back on this really hilly road to really let me have it, because, lets face it......Scaring someone to death is funny. I begged to be let out, preachers son said he would let me out if I grabbed his penis. I said no of course and the first hill came......we were all in the front of the truck and no seat belts. I remember going over that hill, my head hitting the top of the truck and just crying hysterically. More laughter at my expense..........Second hill came, he asked me again if I would grab his penis and this time I thought about it, but said "No, just let go please" I will never forget the sound of those tires peeling out on that road, again my head hit the top of the truck, more laughter and we got to the third hill. I felt as if I were going to vomit. He asked me again if I were going to grab his penis. This time I said "Yes" I grabbed it so hard his eye balls popped out of his head and I would not let up. Once I let go of course more hills and they finally let me out in the middle of a highway somewhere. I walked back to the mall crying.

I still think about that. Wonder if he ever thinks about that and realizes that for 20 something years I can't ride with other people because I trust so few.

Add that to my list of about me. I don't like going fast, I don't like hills....I don't like people laughing at me and making fun of me.

My dad the other day told me I don't need to call a Dr. I need to call FEMA because I'm a walking disaster. That is pretty much true. I have a lot of stuff go wrong, but sometimes I have a lot of stuff go right.

I'm foolish and stupid I agree.

I get asked out by the same 3 guys almost every week. There was a 4th, but he told me he would eventually give up asking and he did. I was relieved when he did. The same 3 guys ask and I give the same response and same excuses.

I wouldn't know what to say or do with any of them and they would have to get to know me, which in the end they would stop liking me anyways.

How can you like someone who doesn't even know what she likes to do? One of them asked me the other day, "You have to like something, what do you like?" Why is that question so hard? Bowling is all I could think of. He asks "Are you good at it?" "No", I say......."I'm not good at it". I'm not even sure why I like it.

How does one find out what they like? There's so much noise around me how can I figure out anything. One of the guys does something sweet.......If he reads my facebook status or something and I'm sad, he will text me bible verses. I think that's pretty sweet.

It's sweet and a reminder that God is still pursuing me even though I want to give up on Him.

I do know that I love Jesus. There is no like in that, that is absolute love. I can honestly say that I don't even trust the one who made me.

This introduction is long enough...You don't have to scroll back and read who I was. This is who I am. A dizzy, dumb female who loves bowling and God.

Love,

Dianna

Shhh Sneakin On

I attempted to delete my blog a few times....I just couldn't do it. Too much history here.

Things have gotten better. I was dx with BPPV Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo. I went to an ENT a couple weeks ago and he did something called Dix-Hallpike test and was able to tell immediately. He then proceeded to scoot my head back off the table hanging almost upside down to do to the Epley Maneuver. Good times for sure.

I will say that after the first Epley I felt awesome. I was still really off balance, but had felt like something was missing. I had to go back last week and he did it again. After this one I didn't feel so well. I am still really off balance and keep hitting my left side. They said this was something called compensation. I say good grief it's a pain in the butt. They fail to tell you that recovery after having it so long, is almost as bad as the first initial episode.

My brain plays continual tricks on me. My body will feel the dizziness while my eyes aren't dizzy. It's a psychological nightmare.

I go back next Friday for another evaluation and I'm very nervous. I don't want to get even more messed up. I don't want my other side to get messed up.

Elmer will be here the following week and I'm so scared about being dizzy while he's here and UGH I just want my life back.

That's about it. =D Things ARE getting better, just so stinking slow!!

Love,

Dianna

Nothing is better than a heart felt "I miss you"

Yesterday a phone call with a warm voice saying I miss you. Today another phone call and before they hang up, they came back to squeeze in....I really miss you.

I got off the phone and cried.

It's nice when someone says something in a tone that's very sincere.

I miss them too =(

God does know what I need when I need it. Even when I'm out on my sea of doubt.

Love,

Me

I miss her when she goes away

Just like every Monday after the weekend I have Savannah I lay in bed and cry.

I really don't like sharing her. It's the ugly side of divorce. I hate cleaning up on Mondays, because I like seeing her shoes and doll dresses all around. I like seeing her Hershey bar wrappers. I love hearing her giggle and laugh.

I love having her ask me who I wanna marry and read my instant messages over my shoulder and tease me about my use of LOL.

My quiet dark life is full of noise and light when she's hear and I just totally miss her when she goes away.

=( Sometimes I wish I would've stayed married just so I wouldn't have to share her, but I know that's not the answer.

Off to wipe the tears away and look forward to Wednesday when I see her again.

I love her.

~di

I Think I've Turned Into a Doubting Thomas.

I tell you what, it's amazing how one day you can have faith and then the next it's gone.

I have so much anger built up all around me and frustration coming out the wazoo.

Actually to say that I'm frustrated is an understatement.

My life, my kids life, my moms life...All in the toilet right now. Completely and totally in the toilet. All of us are struggling with severe depression, anxiety that is crippling and there is no support system around except each other..........A bunch of depressed hopeless people trying to help other depressed, hopeless people.

It's sad. I feel guilty for being angry at God. I could understand why things are so bad right now if I ran around kicking puppies or stealing candy from kids. If I abused children I could understand.

I've emailed a couple of people from church about my confusion, but I never hear back from them. Surprise. I have no one to turn to for answers and that's frustrating and I keep feeling like I want to just give up trying.

I've heard a lot about hanging with believers instead of people who don't believe. I tried that, but you know the ones who don't hide behind Christianity, seem to be more of a support than those who are "called" to help others.

I'm trying to hang on during this doubtstorm, not understanding anything. Being frustrating and trying trust God when I don't even think He likes me.

I base it on circumstances. If things are good, I'm more apt to believe that God loves me. But things are always crap and it's easier to believe that He doesn't.

I'm sad today.

Love,

Me

Thursday!

It's Thursday and I feel mentally better than ever.

Thank God!

I'm relieved in so many ways, monkeys off my back and life moves on!!

=)

A friend of mine has been asking me to lunch and I'm thinking about working up the courage to go today!!

=)

Say lots O Prayers for me and thanking God my heart is happy!!!

Love,

Me =)

Under my tree with Jesus

For the past year and a couple of months, my walk with God. I may have even blogged about this before. When I'm sad, stressed or tired I always close my eyes and meet Jesus under this tree.

I don't know where it is, but it's where my mind and heart go. Today I have really dealt with quite a bit of hurt and as always I just wanna run to Jesus under our tree.

He always looks me in the eye. He lifts me up. Today laying on my bed, I ran to Jesus under our tree and cried. I'm so tired and tired of hurt. Today he just held me and I cried harder when I had to open up my eyes and come back. I wish I could close my eyes forever and just stay under that tree with him.

One day.

I love him.

Love,

Me