I have pneumonia again, so I have some down time lately. Time to do some thinking, real thinking, real soul searching.
I'm a bit down, not sure if it's because of SAD, or just because I'm where I never thought I'd be again.
I look back at past images of me and I think, that's not me. Who is that girl?
I put on the same shoes that girl wore. I have new ones sitting in my closet, but can't seem to wear them. That would mean accepting the girl I am now and I'm not quite ready to do that.
Kyle used to get so angry and so jealous of Vick back when we were married. He always thought that I was head over heels for Vick and it caused a lot of problems for us.
What he didn't know or realize is that I didn't miss Vick at all and it wasn't really about Vick...It was about me. I missed who I was when I was with Vick. I missed me.
I guess the same concept now, but with God. I have back slid so far that I have my nails dug in the cliff trying to hang on to anything and I'm not even sure what I'm hanging onto.
I pulled some baskets out from under my bed and like the shoes, memories of who I was.
All my old books I read when I was newly a Christian, bible studies, inspirational quotes.
I looked at them and I'm really not sure what happened. I know there's a whole lot of self and sin in there and I really do miss God. I still pray every night and keep contact with God, but nothing is the same.
I open the books to read them and I find papers and things of that life and I maybe am mourning that life that I had. I want it back, but I'm so far gone and I know the things I have to give up to get it back. All that stuff I did, the way my life turned around.....The joy in my heart I felt almost on a daily basis. I miss it.
I miss it bad. I keep waiting for something big to happen to pull me one way or the other and nothing is going to fall from the sky and make things right. I have to go on my own.
Therefore I'm stuck in the middle.
Love,
Dianna
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
YAY for my birthday this year!!
I'm soooooooooooo excited!! My boyfriend put to have my birthday off this year and he is going to come see me ONNNNNNNNNNN My actual birthday!!
I'm so excited I could cry.
Things have been going so well lately for us and it's such a nice change.
I keep praying and praying for us to make it.
I have a date on my birthday!!!!! Hooray!!
Love,
Me
I'm so excited I could cry.
Things have been going so well lately for us and it's such a nice change.
I keep praying and praying for us to make it.
I have a date on my birthday!!!!! Hooray!!
Love,
Me
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
What a month this has been
I'm glad I had so much Christmas cheer in November because wow, what a strange sad month this has been.
After the killings in Connecticut, I have been searching everywhere for answers as to why this happened.
I read comments from people about God and why did God let this happen and where was God.
This offends me and I asked why certainly, but I have never wavered from the belief that God is good.
Isaiah 55:8-9
New International Version (NIV)
8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
I forget so often what I learned in redemption group that God writes our life stories, we do not write our own.
It's His story, not ours. We were created for Him.
I have listened to quite a few sermons over the past few days and they all help reassure that God has a plan.
Isaiah 45:9
What sorrow awaits those who argue with their Creator. Does a clay pot argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying, 'Stop, you're doing it wrong!' Does the pot exclaim, 'How clumsy can you be?'
He knows what He is doing.
I listened to a sermon earlier about the real Christmas story. How Jesus was born into a dark world. He didn't arrive in a fancy kingdom of gold. He was born in a barn, with cows, sheep and mules. His bed was hay.
Herod was jealous because he heard the new king was born and had all the infant boys slaughtered.
Jesus is our light in this dark world.
Christmas is about him. It's not about money or having gifts to open, he was the best gift ever to be given.
Forgiven, the bridge that connects us to God. No more sacrifices, no more offerings....Just pure forgiveness that so many find so hard to believe.
Through Christ. He is the doorway.
I love God more now than ever and trust that He has a plan and has already walked this road before us. He knows where we are headed and has made our paths straight.
Merry Christmas.
Love,
Dianna
After the killings in Connecticut, I have been searching everywhere for answers as to why this happened.
I read comments from people about God and why did God let this happen and where was God.
This offends me and I asked why certainly, but I have never wavered from the belief that God is good.
Isaiah 55:8-9
New International Version (NIV)
8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
I forget so often what I learned in redemption group that God writes our life stories, we do not write our own.
It's His story, not ours. We were created for Him.
I have listened to quite a few sermons over the past few days and they all help reassure that God has a plan.
Isaiah 45:9
What sorrow awaits those who argue with their Creator. Does a clay pot argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying, 'Stop, you're doing it wrong!' Does the pot exclaim, 'How clumsy can you be?'
He knows what He is doing.
I listened to a sermon earlier about the real Christmas story. How Jesus was born into a dark world. He didn't arrive in a fancy kingdom of gold. He was born in a barn, with cows, sheep and mules. His bed was hay.
Herod was jealous because he heard the new king was born and had all the infant boys slaughtered.
Jesus is our light in this dark world.
Christmas is about him. It's not about money or having gifts to open, he was the best gift ever to be given.
Forgiven, the bridge that connects us to God. No more sacrifices, no more offerings....Just pure forgiveness that so many find so hard to believe.
Through Christ. He is the doorway.
I love God more now than ever and trust that He has a plan and has already walked this road before us. He knows where we are headed and has made our paths straight.
Merry Christmas.
Love,
Dianna
Saturday, December 08, 2012
A Divine Intervention
A divine intervention for a very lonely sad girl today.
Me.
God knows most what I need, when I need it.
I have had an awful day and I am completely alone. There's no one for me to talk to. tears have flowed, pain has surfaced largely in my broken heart.
The pain my heart feels right now, I can't even express. I hurt deeply, I needed someone. No one was to be found. Just me.
I was getting out of the shower and had my phone next to the tub. I had no touched it in over 20 minutes. Nothing was laying against it, nothing touching it.
I hear music and at first I think it's coming from outside and then realize, it's coming from my phone.
I pick it up and hear Aerosmith I don't want to miss a thing and I go to my room to lay down and I feel Bretts presence like he was with me in the room and then the song he played specifically for me at his funeral came on.
I didn't touch it, I didn't play it, I didn't even move my ipod.
It's this song
He was letting me know he was here with me. There's no other explaining how that happened.
He knew I was alone and how bad my heart hurt.
God, I wish he was still here. I miss him so much. He was my best friend. The song says it all, he's watching over me.
Very nice because he knew how much I really needed someone today. Still in awe and wonder how that happened.
I love him.
Love,
Me.
Me.
God knows most what I need, when I need it.
I have had an awful day and I am completely alone. There's no one for me to talk to. tears have flowed, pain has surfaced largely in my broken heart.
The pain my heart feels right now, I can't even express. I hurt deeply, I needed someone. No one was to be found. Just me.
I was getting out of the shower and had my phone next to the tub. I had no touched it in over 20 minutes. Nothing was laying against it, nothing touching it.
I hear music and at first I think it's coming from outside and then realize, it's coming from my phone.
I pick it up and hear Aerosmith I don't want to miss a thing and I go to my room to lay down and I feel Bretts presence like he was with me in the room and then the song he played specifically for me at his funeral came on.
I didn't touch it, I didn't play it, I didn't even move my ipod.
It's this song
He was letting me know he was here with me. There's no other explaining how that happened.
He knew I was alone and how bad my heart hurt.
God, I wish he was still here. I miss him so much. He was my best friend. The song says it all, he's watching over me.
Very nice because he knew how much I really needed someone today. Still in awe and wonder how that happened.
I love him.
Love,
Me.
Thursday, December 06, 2012
Fork in the Road
When you are standing at a crossroads in your life, how do you choose the direction your life takes?
Living in a world 30% of the time that isn't real, my escape.
My dreams are down one path, uncertainty down the other.
Adventure sometimes wants to choose the uncertainty and hang on by the seat of my pants.
Reality sets in and I sometimes want to take the other road where things are real.
Things are touchable, things are seen.
Some of my dreams have already gone down the toilet leaving me with a certain amount of resentment. I should put that anger on myself because I believed in empty promises.
Life seems as if it's a series of empty promises. Snow on Monday, Storms on Saturday.....Sunshine maybe on Tuesday. No certainty........Just a promise of snow that usually doesn't happen.
I wish I could hire someone out to direct my life. I'm supposed to let God be in control of that and all I come up with is confusion and God speaks to my heart and He says "If you are confused, child it's not My answer."
Maybe it's not His answer, maybe it's just the smallest part of hope in my heart that wants to believe.
Time passes, I still am, where I am. You know watching the Titanic, one line always sticks with me. Where the older Rose picks up the mirror that the men collected from the bottom of the ocean. She looks in it and says "This was mine. How extraordinary! And it looks the same as it did last time I saw it... The reflection's changed a bit."
That's how I feel. Every year I look in that mirror, the reflection changes, but nothing else does.
Ramblings that really mean nothing.
Jibbey Jobbey as my aunt calls it.
Jibbey, Jobbey.
Love,
Me
Living in a world 30% of the time that isn't real, my escape.
My dreams are down one path, uncertainty down the other.
Adventure sometimes wants to choose the uncertainty and hang on by the seat of my pants.
Reality sets in and I sometimes want to take the other road where things are real.
Things are touchable, things are seen.
Some of my dreams have already gone down the toilet leaving me with a certain amount of resentment. I should put that anger on myself because I believed in empty promises.
Life seems as if it's a series of empty promises. Snow on Monday, Storms on Saturday.....Sunshine maybe on Tuesday. No certainty........Just a promise of snow that usually doesn't happen.
I wish I could hire someone out to direct my life. I'm supposed to let God be in control of that and all I come up with is confusion and God speaks to my heart and He says "If you are confused, child it's not My answer."
Maybe it's not His answer, maybe it's just the smallest part of hope in my heart that wants to believe.
Time passes, I still am, where I am. You know watching the Titanic, one line always sticks with me. Where the older Rose picks up the mirror that the men collected from the bottom of the ocean. She looks in it and says "This was mine. How extraordinary! And it looks the same as it did last time I saw it... The reflection's changed a bit."
That's how I feel. Every year I look in that mirror, the reflection changes, but nothing else does.
Ramblings that really mean nothing.
Jibbey Jobbey as my aunt calls it.
Jibbey, Jobbey.
Love,
Me
Tuesday, December 04, 2012
Expecting Too Much
The title says it all. My therapist and I had a long discussion about how I expect too much from people in my life. They can't deliver therefore it sets me up to be disappointed.
I thought about this a lot over the past week, it was put to the test over the past few days and he is very correct.
I'm sad in some ways, relieved in others.
I didn't realize how much I expected of others, they simply cannot be something they aren't.
This isn't casting a negative light on any of them, it's just opening eyes on my part.
My view of things are sometimes so distorted.
People cannot be, what they are not.
I was sad last night and want so badly out of the messes I am in. I cry out a lot for God to just take me, but He won't. He's gonna make me go through this big jumbled up mess I am because He knows I can.
Wish it didn't take so long.
I'm tired, but I am learning quite a bit.
I expected too much.
Pressures off.
Love,
Me
I thought about this a lot over the past week, it was put to the test over the past few days and he is very correct.
I'm sad in some ways, relieved in others.
I didn't realize how much I expected of others, they simply cannot be something they aren't.
This isn't casting a negative light on any of them, it's just opening eyes on my part.
My view of things are sometimes so distorted.
People cannot be, what they are not.
I was sad last night and want so badly out of the messes I am in. I cry out a lot for God to just take me, but He won't. He's gonna make me go through this big jumbled up mess I am because He knows I can.
Wish it didn't take so long.
I'm tired, but I am learning quite a bit.
I expected too much.
Pressures off.
Love,
Me
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
My Mind
Yesterday I went to the Dr. Sinus infection, possible strep, congested lungs......I didn't feel good then, I didn't feel good today.
I'm tired and I slept til noon and even had a hard time getting out of bed then. My throat feels like I swallowed razor blades and my mind won't let me sit...
A typical day in my mind and the actions that follow.......
Oh crap I slept late, I have to take my ulcer medicine 1 hour before I eat, 4 hours before my iron, 2 hours before my antibiotics.........I need to write this crap down.
I have a headache, did I take Tylenol when taking my arsenal of meds?
Crap, my head still hurts did I take it? Crap. Crap. Crap.
Savannah's coming over tonight I need to change her sheets and clean her room.
God my throat hurts.
If I don't get this laundry done, it will pile up and there's no where to put it.
Crap, did I put the wrong things in the recycle bin, it's cold out, I need to go check the recycle bin.
It's Wednesday, did I remember to put the trash out last night?
I need to go in the living room and look at the floor for things Opie can trip over and things Troy can put in his mouth.
Crap, I hope I picked everything up.
Damn, dogs need to go out. Okay.......You forgot to close the dryer door, hurry and get the dogs out and finish.....
Frick Opie fell down the stairs, I knew I shouldn't of been rushing the dogs.
Is he okay? Will he be okay? Crap.
Crap, I forgot to turn the washer on when I closed the dryer door.
I want a smoothie, but that means I'll have to wash the dishes. Well, maybe I can leave the dishes just this once.
This smoothie is helping me throat, but I can't sit here and enjoy it because I left the blender in my sink.
Ugh, that blender is in my sink and I'm about to cry because I don't want to wash it.
Phew I feel better now that the blender is washed, but now my smoothie has melted and needs to go in the freezer.
Crap, the dogs are out of food and water again, I need to fill their bowl .
My throat hurts, I wonder if I took Tylenol already?
Okay, dogs are fed, what was I doing?
Oh yea the Christmas tree needs to be watered.
Crap, I never put my smoothie in the freezer.
Tylenol?
I need to dust Savannahs room so her allergies don't act up.
Can someone help me rearrange Savannahs room because I can't lift this stuff?
Okay let me do it my self.
Crap, my back hurts. Did I take tylenol?
It's time to eat, I need to count my points and take my iron, but wait........I can't take it with my antibiotics and I have to wait 2 hours before and after.......Screw it, I'm taking it anyways.
I'm taking Tylenol too, if I'm gonna die from taking iron and antibiotics might as well take the Tylenol and go down with a sore throat.
Did I eat lunch?
My mouth still tastes like smoothie, so maybe I didn't eat.
Did I feed the dogs?
Tylenol?
Tylenol???
Tylenol????
I need a shower.
x.x
My mind wears me out.
I'm tired and I slept til noon and even had a hard time getting out of bed then. My throat feels like I swallowed razor blades and my mind won't let me sit...
A typical day in my mind and the actions that follow.......
Oh crap I slept late, I have to take my ulcer medicine 1 hour before I eat, 4 hours before my iron, 2 hours before my antibiotics.........I need to write this crap down.
I have a headache, did I take Tylenol when taking my arsenal of meds?
Crap, my head still hurts did I take it? Crap. Crap. Crap.
Savannah's coming over tonight I need to change her sheets and clean her room.
God my throat hurts.
If I don't get this laundry done, it will pile up and there's no where to put it.
Crap, did I put the wrong things in the recycle bin, it's cold out, I need to go check the recycle bin.
It's Wednesday, did I remember to put the trash out last night?
I need to go in the living room and look at the floor for things Opie can trip over and things Troy can put in his mouth.
Crap, I hope I picked everything up.
Damn, dogs need to go out. Okay.......You forgot to close the dryer door, hurry and get the dogs out and finish.....
Frick Opie fell down the stairs, I knew I shouldn't of been rushing the dogs.
Is he okay? Will he be okay? Crap.
Crap, I forgot to turn the washer on when I closed the dryer door.
I want a smoothie, but that means I'll have to wash the dishes. Well, maybe I can leave the dishes just this once.
This smoothie is helping me throat, but I can't sit here and enjoy it because I left the blender in my sink.
Ugh, that blender is in my sink and I'm about to cry because I don't want to wash it.
Phew I feel better now that the blender is washed, but now my smoothie has melted and needs to go in the freezer.
Crap, the dogs are out of food and water again, I need to fill their bowl .
My throat hurts, I wonder if I took Tylenol already?
Okay, dogs are fed, what was I doing?
Oh yea the Christmas tree needs to be watered.
Crap, I never put my smoothie in the freezer.
Tylenol?
I need to dust Savannahs room so her allergies don't act up.
Can someone help me rearrange Savannahs room because I can't lift this stuff?
Okay let me do it my self.
Crap, my back hurts. Did I take tylenol?
It's time to eat, I need to count my points and take my iron, but wait........I can't take it with my antibiotics and I have to wait 2 hours before and after.......Screw it, I'm taking it anyways.
I'm taking Tylenol too, if I'm gonna die from taking iron and antibiotics might as well take the Tylenol and go down with a sore throat.
Did I eat lunch?
My mouth still tastes like smoothie, so maybe I didn't eat.
Did I feed the dogs?
Tylenol?
Tylenol???
Tylenol????
I need a shower.
x.x
My mind wears me out.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Video
This is a video going around Facebook and I tell you what, it made me bawl like a baby.
My heart filled up with an absolute love for my Savior. I can't even put into words how much I love Jesus.
I love the fact that I now understand what Christmas carols mean, it brings tears to my eyes to think of Jesus coming to this earth.
I love Christmas.
I love Jesus.
I love God.
Love,
Me
Thursday, November 22, 2012
I am thankful for God
I am thankful so much to God. No matter how badly I behave, He gives me gifts all the time.
I am blown away at times at His kindness towards me, no matter how badly I behave. I am far off my path from where I was in my walk with Him, but He never ceases to amaze me with His amazing love for me.
I am so very thankful that He chose me, I am very thankful that He had endless amounts of love for me and shows me grace that goes above and beyond what I could ever ask for.
I'm thankful for everything in my life, but none of that would be possible without Him.
Gives me strength I never knew I had, leads me in the right way, nudges me to look deeper into myself and see my worth.
Shows me I deserve everything and it is attainable through Him.
He makes my heart full, He makes my mouth smile..........
He is awesome.
He is my Father.
Have a great Thanksgiving.
Love,
Me
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Well, it's been awhile
My friend Melzie made the kindest post on my wall about missing my blogs and has been giving me a gentle nudge to post.
I have sat down a few times to post, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm trying today and on a day when my heart is so broken all I can write is .....
Love rejoices with the truth.
She'd trade Colorado if he'd take her with him
Closes the door before the winter lets the cold in,
And wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay,
She's answered by the tail lights
Shining through the window pane
He said I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
She said you're ramblin' man
You ain't ever gonna change
You gotta gypsy soul to blame
And you were born for leavin'
Happy Thanksgiving.
Love,
Me
I have sat down a few times to post, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm trying today and on a day when my heart is so broken all I can write is .....
Love rejoices with the truth.
She'd trade Colorado if he'd take her with him
Closes the door before the winter lets the cold in,
And wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay,
She's answered by the tail lights
Shining through the window pane
He said I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
She said you're ramblin' man
You ain't ever gonna change
You gotta gypsy soul to blame
And you were born for leavin'
Happy Thanksgiving.
Love,
Me
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Can't get the video to load, but if you wanna lookie loo Copy n paste
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vIzbK29Etw
Monday, July 16, 2012
Tornadoes and Rainbows
Last night my dream was so vivid. It was storming outside and I was in my old house on Tallow Lane.
Tornadoes were coming all around me. I wasn't scared, but I wanted to take pictures. I ran outside with my camera and I slipped and fell in a huge mud puddle. I was trying to get up without getting mud on my camera.
I look through the lens and I see two tornadoes swirling about. I remember feeling apprehensive, but not scared.
All the sudde two huge rainbows appear and dominate the two tornadoes. I took hundreds and hundreds of pics and I couldn't get enough of the beauty of the rainbows. Breathtaking beauty in the midst of a storm.
When I woke up, I smiled because rainbows are God's promises. I saw two.... Backs up with scripture.
For your shame ye shall have double; and for confusion they shall rejoice in their portion: therefore in their land they shall possess the double: everlasting joy shall be unto them. Isaiah 61:7 KJV
I have been going through quite a storm lately and I am ready to receive my blessings.
Trying so hard to surround myself with positive people. Even at the cost of losing people who claimed to be my friend because I was trying to change my life.
Trying to look for the positives in the people in my life.
I am so ready for my blessings, so ready to receive good that is coming my way.
God rocks =D
Love,
Me
Tornadoes were coming all around me. I wasn't scared, but I wanted to take pictures. I ran outside with my camera and I slipped and fell in a huge mud puddle. I was trying to get up without getting mud on my camera.
I look through the lens and I see two tornadoes swirling about. I remember feeling apprehensive, but not scared.
All the sudde two huge rainbows appear and dominate the two tornadoes. I took hundreds and hundreds of pics and I couldn't get enough of the beauty of the rainbows. Breathtaking beauty in the midst of a storm.
When I woke up, I smiled because rainbows are God's promises. I saw two.... Backs up with scripture.
For your shame ye shall have double; and for confusion they shall rejoice in their portion: therefore in their land they shall possess the double: everlasting joy shall be unto them. Isaiah 61:7 KJV
I have been going through quite a storm lately and I am ready to receive my blessings.
Trying so hard to surround myself with positive people. Even at the cost of losing people who claimed to be my friend because I was trying to change my life.
Trying to look for the positives in the people in my life.
I am so ready for my blessings, so ready to receive good that is coming my way.
God rocks =D
Love,
Me
Saturday, July 14, 2012
It's Saturday the 14th
Mel, my more interesting life comes from getting a couple of paid wedding photography gigs and that aspect of my life is opening up a whole lot.
I'm excited and scared.
Need more practice as with anything.
It's Saturday.
Yee haw
love,
me
I'm excited and scared.
Need more practice as with anything.
It's Saturday.
Yee haw
love,
me
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
I can
do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phillipians 4:13
I faked it, til I felt it.
I can't tell you when I'm at the gym, wondering what am I doing there, how many times I say this.
Today, when my legs felt like they could push no more and I wanted to quit. I tell God, "I can't do this"
I hear His voice in my head "Don't you dare quit, say it again."
I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me
I have struggled for awhile to find the positive side to my recent illness. Slowly, it's coming to light. I really am nothing and can do nothing without Christ.
I thought about that a lot when I was sick and laying in bed... how come I am a believer stuck in this bed and there are tons of bad people out there who don't believe and can at least work and get out of bed.
Like a bad record playing over and over again.
I'm not really sure that I have fully figured it out, but I know for myself that God needed to remind me that I am nothing without Him.
I watched a show yesterday and she talked about how God works through others to bless each of us. I am so blessed.
I may not have the biggest house in the world or have the fanciest of things, but I'm not unhappy. I am really blessed. I think about the hottest days we have ever had here and think how lucky I am because I got to sit in an air conditioned house.
That crosses my mind a lot lately. I have 2 pairs of shoes and in many parts of the world, they don't even have one.
I am very thankful for everything I have. I am very thankful for everything I am given and the people who give it to me.
I go without nothing. God truly takes care of me.
I get this Christian thing wrong a lot, but I am so in love with Jesus.
I talk to him every single night. He waits for me under our tree.
My heart just fills with love and flutters at the very thought of him.
Speaking of things I don't have to go without, I never have to go without him.
I can't relate to God on the scale that I can Jesus. I love God very much and think of Him as my father. I guess that's why He sent Jesus, to relate to us.
I am growing so much, I am learning I don't have to be a doormat, I'm learning that I don't have to be around people and things that make me uncomfortable.
I am learning to say no. I'm learning I can live without the things and people I never thought I could.
I guess I'm growing up.
It's late, I need to sleep. Was up pondering Jesus and how broken I am and how much he loves me anyway.
And how much I deeply love him.
=D
Nite.
Love,
Me
I faked it, til I felt it.
I can't tell you when I'm at the gym, wondering what am I doing there, how many times I say this.
Today, when my legs felt like they could push no more and I wanted to quit. I tell God, "I can't do this"
I hear His voice in my head "Don't you dare quit, say it again."
I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me
I have struggled for awhile to find the positive side to my recent illness. Slowly, it's coming to light. I really am nothing and can do nothing without Christ.
I thought about that a lot when I was sick and laying in bed... how come I am a believer stuck in this bed and there are tons of bad people out there who don't believe and can at least work and get out of bed.
Like a bad record playing over and over again.
I'm not really sure that I have fully figured it out, but I know for myself that God needed to remind me that I am nothing without Him.
I watched a show yesterday and she talked about how God works through others to bless each of us. I am so blessed.
I may not have the biggest house in the world or have the fanciest of things, but I'm not unhappy. I am really blessed. I think about the hottest days we have ever had here and think how lucky I am because I got to sit in an air conditioned house.
That crosses my mind a lot lately. I have 2 pairs of shoes and in many parts of the world, they don't even have one.
I am very thankful for everything I have. I am very thankful for everything I am given and the people who give it to me.
I go without nothing. God truly takes care of me.
I get this Christian thing wrong a lot, but I am so in love with Jesus.
I talk to him every single night. He waits for me under our tree.
My heart just fills with love and flutters at the very thought of him.
Speaking of things I don't have to go without, I never have to go without him.
I can't relate to God on the scale that I can Jesus. I love God very much and think of Him as my father. I guess that's why He sent Jesus, to relate to us.
I am growing so much, I am learning I don't have to be a doormat, I'm learning that I don't have to be around people and things that make me uncomfortable.
I am learning to say no. I'm learning I can live without the things and people I never thought I could.
I guess I'm growing up.
It's late, I need to sleep. Was up pondering Jesus and how broken I am and how much he loves me anyway.
And how much I deeply love him.
=D
Nite.
Love,
Me
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Gym Time
I am slowly easing my way back into the gym. Yesterday I was able to do spin class again, the first time after almost a year.
I was beaming with happiness.
This morning I went back and was able to go 50 calories and 5 minutes further than yesterday.
It's frustrating to not be able to do the things I used to, but in the same aspect, I appreciate the fact that I am just able to do something.
Going from being able to do nothing when I was sick, to just working out....It's amazing.
If I come to a point where I don't think I can do anymore, I just remember that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I do it in His strength, not my own.
I can't wait til I can go all out. I can't wait to see my clothes getting bigger.
I can't wait to go and buy me new work out shoes.
Hope, that lies within Christ.
Hope, where I had none.
I look back and think about how hopeless I was....So sad.
I hope I never get to that point again.
Heading to the pool for the day =D
God is good.
Love,
Me
I was beaming with happiness.
This morning I went back and was able to go 50 calories and 5 minutes further than yesterday.
It's frustrating to not be able to do the things I used to, but in the same aspect, I appreciate the fact that I am just able to do something.
Going from being able to do nothing when I was sick, to just working out....It's amazing.
If I come to a point where I don't think I can do anymore, I just remember that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I do it in His strength, not my own.
I can't wait til I can go all out. I can't wait to see my clothes getting bigger.
I can't wait to go and buy me new work out shoes.
Hope, that lies within Christ.
Hope, where I had none.
I look back and think about how hopeless I was....So sad.
I hope I never get to that point again.
Heading to the pool for the day =D
God is good.
Love,
Me
Thursday, June 21, 2012
YAY Summer
Really enjoying my summer. I can't remember the last time I was so happy. I'm out of the house all day, in the pool almost every day.
It's nice. I'm around people I love and people that are fun =)
Have been thinking lately about things I want and things I want to do with my life. God has put some dreams on my heart and pushing me a little bit to go after them.
I can't have the dreams I want, where I'm at right now.
I know wonderful things are on the other side of change, but I don't change much.
One thing God is doing is revealing what liars some people in my life are. I was so blind to that before, and He really has shown me. I wasn't shocked, just blind to it.
Now I laugh at the lies they tell.
I don't need/want people like that in my life.
I deserve so much better than I allow myself to have. I'm smart, I'm beautiful, funny, creative and have a really good heart.
I heard the other day someone who is supposed to love me called me a bitch. Of course not to my face. It would take courage to do that. Of course they get sympathy for everyone thinking they have to put up with such a tyrant.
I processed this for a few minutes and people only say that who don't know me. I think about the frustration in my life, think of the lies and garbage and being shoved behind everyone else. I think of the way I'm not appreciated for who I am and I think anyone, who puts up with what I do and doesn't kick a few of these people to the curb....isn't a bitch. She's a frustrated woman who's filled with anger and hurt. She couldn't be a bitch if all these people are still in her life.
One step closer today.
I'm worth it.
Love,
Me
It's nice. I'm around people I love and people that are fun =)
Have been thinking lately about things I want and things I want to do with my life. God has put some dreams on my heart and pushing me a little bit to go after them.
I can't have the dreams I want, where I'm at right now.
I know wonderful things are on the other side of change, but I don't change much.
One thing God is doing is revealing what liars some people in my life are. I was so blind to that before, and He really has shown me. I wasn't shocked, just blind to it.
Now I laugh at the lies they tell.
I don't need/want people like that in my life.
I deserve so much better than I allow myself to have. I'm smart, I'm beautiful, funny, creative and have a really good heart.
I heard the other day someone who is supposed to love me called me a bitch. Of course not to my face. It would take courage to do that. Of course they get sympathy for everyone thinking they have to put up with such a tyrant.
I processed this for a few minutes and people only say that who don't know me. I think about the frustration in my life, think of the lies and garbage and being shoved behind everyone else. I think of the way I'm not appreciated for who I am and I think anyone, who puts up with what I do and doesn't kick a few of these people to the curb....isn't a bitch. She's a frustrated woman who's filled with anger and hurt. She couldn't be a bitch if all these people are still in her life.
One step closer today.
I'm worth it.
Love,
Me
Sunday, June 10, 2012
The Prodigal Daughter Returned
I went to bed fairly late and woke up early. I'm not sure what came over me, but for the first time since September, I wanted to go to church.
I sat there coming up w/ a million reasons that I could not go and every reason that came up, I was one step closer to going. I found myself in the shower, getting ready, clothes on, out the door and driving. Even on the way I had a million reasons I shouldn't go, but I ended up there.
I honestly don't know how I got there or what possessed me to go, but I was sure God wanted me to take something away from what He was trying to say. There was a message I needed.
The sermon today was on Joseph and what his family had done to him and how God took what others meant for harm and used it for good.
As I fidgeted and listened, I was trying to process what all this had to do with me. Daniel spoke of abuse, emotional problems, financial problems and how you can help people through your bad experiences and how it is used to grow you and mature you.
I mulled it all over and it's starting to come out. I have been abused, almost my whole entire life one way or another. Daniel said that he isn't sure why people suffer, but it does bring people closer to God.
I notice that when I am happy and care-free, I don't pay much attention to God, but if my heart is broken, I cry out for Him over and over.
On the last part of the sermon Daniel spoke about unforgiveness. He actually dug out the scripture I have studied this week. Romans 12:17, Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.
*This* is where I am having my biggest struggle. Daniel hit it right on the head, I am playing God. I used to be so passive and let everyone get away with everything. I have taken a stance that God isn't doing anything at all to these people who hurt me, so I will treat them exactly like they have treated me. I have held back no punches either. I have said things that I don't like myself for, I have lied to someone who has continuosly lied to me. I played head games with people who play them with me. With a lot of people in the past month I have done this.
I got so tired of everyone getting away with how they treat others (me) and they always have a happy care free life and always get good things.
This is a huge struggle with me, because I don't know if I can not do it. I'm so sick of some people that are in my life that it's hard to even talk to them. I have ended ties this week with some people who drain me emotionally. I apologized for the way I acted, but I had to bow out.
I Just don't know how to overcome this struggle. I don't like being mean, but I feel that they deserve it. I'm just tired and I guess the real answer is the one God has been giving me all along. The one I don't listen to, the one I ignore.
The one I pray about and just pretend I didn't hear the answer.
I really did need to hear that this morning. I need to work on my forgiveness and stop repaying evil for evil. It has gotten me nowhere.
Love,
Me
I sat there coming up w/ a million reasons that I could not go and every reason that came up, I was one step closer to going. I found myself in the shower, getting ready, clothes on, out the door and driving. Even on the way I had a million reasons I shouldn't go, but I ended up there.
I honestly don't know how I got there or what possessed me to go, but I was sure God wanted me to take something away from what He was trying to say. There was a message I needed.
The sermon today was on Joseph and what his family had done to him and how God took what others meant for harm and used it for good.
As I fidgeted and listened, I was trying to process what all this had to do with me. Daniel spoke of abuse, emotional problems, financial problems and how you can help people through your bad experiences and how it is used to grow you and mature you.
I mulled it all over and it's starting to come out. I have been abused, almost my whole entire life one way or another. Daniel said that he isn't sure why people suffer, but it does bring people closer to God.
I notice that when I am happy and care-free, I don't pay much attention to God, but if my heart is broken, I cry out for Him over and over.
On the last part of the sermon Daniel spoke about unforgiveness. He actually dug out the scripture I have studied this week. Romans 12:17, Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.
*This* is where I am having my biggest struggle. Daniel hit it right on the head, I am playing God. I used to be so passive and let everyone get away with everything. I have taken a stance that God isn't doing anything at all to these people who hurt me, so I will treat them exactly like they have treated me. I have held back no punches either. I have said things that I don't like myself for, I have lied to someone who has continuosly lied to me. I played head games with people who play them with me. With a lot of people in the past month I have done this.
I got so tired of everyone getting away with how they treat others (me) and they always have a happy care free life and always get good things.
This is a huge struggle with me, because I don't know if I can not do it. I'm so sick of some people that are in my life that it's hard to even talk to them. I have ended ties this week with some people who drain me emotionally. I apologized for the way I acted, but I had to bow out.
I Just don't know how to overcome this struggle. I don't like being mean, but I feel that they deserve it. I'm just tired and I guess the real answer is the one God has been giving me all along. The one I don't listen to, the one I ignore.
The one I pray about and just pretend I didn't hear the answer.
I really did need to hear that this morning. I need to work on my forgiveness and stop repaying evil for evil. It has gotten me nowhere.
Love,
Me
Wednesday, June 06, 2012
For the first time, in a long time
I'm happy =)
I casted my cares and they were erased.
I could not have received a better gift ever.
Joy in my heart, excitement in my life.
Love for God.
Love for really good friends.
Jesus under our tree.
Losing weight.
Did I mention my cares were erased???
My chains are broken and I am set free.
Psalm 107: 14-15 . “He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, And broke their chains in pieces. Oh, that men would give thanks to the LORD for His goodness, And for His wonderful works to the children of men!”
My chains are broken and I am set free.
My chains are broken and I am set free.
My chains are broken and I am set free.
My chains are broken and I am set free.
Thank you GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
=)
In case you didn't hear............My chains are broken and I am set free.
Love,
Me
I casted my cares and they were erased.
I could not have received a better gift ever.
Joy in my heart, excitement in my life.
Love for God.
Love for really good friends.
Jesus under our tree.
Losing weight.
Did I mention my cares were erased???
My chains are broken and I am set free.
Psalm 107: 14-15 . “He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, And broke their chains in pieces. Oh, that men would give thanks to the LORD for His goodness, And for His wonderful works to the children of men!”
My chains are broken and I am set free.
My chains are broken and I am set free.
My chains are broken and I am set free.
My chains are broken and I am set free.
Thank you GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
=)
In case you didn't hear............My chains are broken and I am set free.
Love,
Me
Sunday, June 03, 2012
My Shoes
My mom has a thing for other peoples shoes. I thought it was weird til recently.
I have my magenta addidas running shoes. I absolutely love these shoes. I remember the day I got them, I remember falling in love with them.
I was walking the other day, my shoes are worn out. They are looking dirty, the heels are wearing out and the shock absorber in them is shot. I thought briefly about getting new shoes, but I don't know that I can.
I think about those shoes in terms of who I used to be. When I got those shoes, I was someone that I liked. They walked the floor of the job I loved, the pedaled the bike of the spin class I love, I lost lots of weight in those shoes.
They seem to be the only constant thing that attaches me to a past that I miss.
Is this how people start hoarding?
I accomplished so much in those shoes.
I feel like if I get rid of them and bury them in a closet somewhere that I will forget that for a short time I was someone that I loved.
Kyle used to always be insecure over Vick. Our marriage had many fights over Vick. I always missed the days I was with Vick, but I didn't miss Vick at all. I missed who *I* was, when I was with him. I was young, extemely thin, beautiful.
Vick was like the shoes. By letting him go, I was letting go of a past where I liked myself.
Tears actually come to my eyes as I think of my shoes. When I think of who I was in them. Somehow feeling I am letting them down, that they only get to meet the floor of the supermarket or the hot pavement.
500 spin classes are probably in those shoes. Every day, sometimes twice a day for a year. Hundreds of miles on the AMT trainers in those shoes. Sit ups, strength training. Everything in those shoes.
At least I have more hope than ever now that I will get back there. Giving myself a lot of slack for getting sick and gaining some weight.
Mulling over the new shoes and thinking maybe I should just go ahead and get the shoes because it is a new start.
My walks with God lately are awesome. He gives me strength and power I never knew I had.
I love Him.
Nite, nite bloggety bloggers
Me
I have my magenta addidas running shoes. I absolutely love these shoes. I remember the day I got them, I remember falling in love with them.
I was walking the other day, my shoes are worn out. They are looking dirty, the heels are wearing out and the shock absorber in them is shot. I thought briefly about getting new shoes, but I don't know that I can.
I think about those shoes in terms of who I used to be. When I got those shoes, I was someone that I liked. They walked the floor of the job I loved, the pedaled the bike of the spin class I love, I lost lots of weight in those shoes.
They seem to be the only constant thing that attaches me to a past that I miss.
Is this how people start hoarding?
I accomplished so much in those shoes.
I feel like if I get rid of them and bury them in a closet somewhere that I will forget that for a short time I was someone that I loved.
Kyle used to always be insecure over Vick. Our marriage had many fights over Vick. I always missed the days I was with Vick, but I didn't miss Vick at all. I missed who *I* was, when I was with him. I was young, extemely thin, beautiful.
Vick was like the shoes. By letting him go, I was letting go of a past where I liked myself.
Tears actually come to my eyes as I think of my shoes. When I think of who I was in them. Somehow feeling I am letting them down, that they only get to meet the floor of the supermarket or the hot pavement.
500 spin classes are probably in those shoes. Every day, sometimes twice a day for a year. Hundreds of miles on the AMT trainers in those shoes. Sit ups, strength training. Everything in those shoes.
At least I have more hope than ever now that I will get back there. Giving myself a lot of slack for getting sick and gaining some weight.
Mulling over the new shoes and thinking maybe I should just go ahead and get the shoes because it is a new start.
My walks with God lately are awesome. He gives me strength and power I never knew I had.
I love Him.
Nite, nite bloggety bloggers
Me
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)