Moving On....

Well, giving it a try at least.

This dating thing has really been pressing on me lately hard. It's like I want a relationship so bad at points and then I turn and run like a scared dog from it.

I have been on dates and talk to people....But one guy kinda gave me the run down of how I am running away from him and anyone else.

I was aggravated at first because I didn't want to believe I did that. I always said "I'm entirely too busy." I even try to drill that into my own head that I am too busy for a relationship.

So while we were talking I realized, maybe I wasn't trying to convince him. Maybe I was trying to convince myself. He's such a nice guy and in the back of my head I think "What am I doing?" I have even used "God hasn't put him on my heart." All to keep people at a safe distance to keep from being hurt.

I'm putting my hope in people and not Christ. ugh.

This has been bugging me for awhile now and ever since him and I had the conversation I have leaned towards how right he is and how wrong I am.

I felt bad because he said "I'm not going to sit around and wait forever for you Dianna."

What if my complacency leads to me living my life alone?

I was so stressed out last night over all this. My therapist thinks I'm making excuses too.

He's just such a nice, nice guy. UGH.

Does this all boil down to my fear of viewing myself as un-loveable?

Lord God, help me not only to fully accept how much you love me, but help me to abide in Your love! (John 15:9)

If I truly believed how much God loved me, I would be confident in other relationships.

I've never wanted money, never wanted material things. All I have ever wanted in all my years of life was too be loved and yet I can't accept it from anyone.

Help my unbelief oh Lord.

Pray for me that I quit being so complacent and take that step.

Love,

~me

Spring Has Sprung =)

I checked my clematis tonight after seeing my brothers growing back and mine are growing back too!! I had more than my brother!! I took a pic, but the printer won't let me view the card reader. Grumble. It's a beautiful sight!

Things have been going well here. I had a stomach something for a few days and I feel a lot better.

Today was the close of Redemption Group and so much stuff flooded my mind. God has brought me so far and I open doors He closed for me. I'm now plagued with regret opening them.

I honestly don't know what to do. I am the queen of getting myself into huge messes. Why can't people just behave and grow up? That's one question I ask God over and over....Why can't people just act the way they are supposed to.

I forget we live in a fallen world. Like that would be so easy to forget. 2 minutes of any news cast will remind one of that.

You know one thing Redemption Group taught me is that people really do change. I changed. But the thing is....God has to change them and they have to invite God in their life to do so.

On our last RG we talked about fruits of the spirit, that's how you can tell if someone has changed. What fruit do they bear?

I just wish I had a magic wand to wave and fix everything. Undo what I did. I didn't miss the frustration at all......I just have to pray to God to change my heart. Put at least like where there is dis-like.

I dunno...........Enough about that whole mess, my flowers are growing back!!

=D

Seeing all the work today done in my Godly families life was overwhelming. God truly is amazing.

He sure did help me out last night when I kept having nightmares. Prince of Peace indeed =).

Enough rambling for now, Happy Spring =)

A guy at work said he would fix my old puter....I think I'm gonna take him up on that. I can't stand not using my camera!

Happy Sunday

Love,

~me

Howdy =)

Hi!!

Just stopping by to check in!! I am so loving my job =D

I absolutely love it!!

All the people are wonderful and I laugh almost all day. Sometimes I leave and my face hurts from laughing and smiling so much.

Everyone keeps waiting for me to despies it.....But like with anything in life, it's what you make it.

Where I came from, what God brought me too.... I am just happy to be working.

So much joy lately =D

<3

Tomorrow it's supposed to be 70 YAY!! =D

Have a fantastic week =D

Love,

Me

Happy Saturday!

I have 3 days off in a row...not sure what to do with myself =)

I have a bit of a head cold or allergies. But....things are going really well!

I love my job VERY much =)

Spring is almost here, this weekend we spring forward =)

That means I can get out in my yard again. I have to figure out a way to get my computer fixed, so I can use my camera. I am totally missing taking pics.

Going to the movies today YAY!! I haven't been out in a long time, so I am going to enjoy it.

I'll give a better update later. Gotta get ready for today =)

Hope everyone is well.

Love,

Di

Finally A Break Through!!!!

Finally, finally, FINALLY!!! Hallelujia!

I have spent the last couple months going through Redemption Group. It's been tough at times and tonight I was in a bad mood...I just didn't want to go...

I should've taken that as a sign of good things are coming.

I felt so spiritually zapped inside. I questioned my faith, questioned my God, questioned what He is doing and feeling that I knew better than He did.

I was so wrong. He has revealed so much to me. The true heart of people (good and bad), growing in faith and growing as a Christian. Learning what it means to preach the gospel to myself and actually understand what that means.

The group of women He placed me with is the biggest blessing of my life. They fed me so much of God's truth tonight. I was believing so many lies and they took all my dark places and put them into the light.

I feel like a weight was lifted and I have my joy back. =) No one can be to me what God is. My idols fail me.

It's funny when you have an idol...whether it be a person, a thing, an addiction....God has showed me slowly what my idols are. Some are noticeable, some are not. He has gently shown me what my idols are made of. Slowly at His pace I see the truth.

No one, no thing.......Nothing can be what God is to me. Now......I need to apply that daily and just pray that God keeps me close to Him and learn to believe all of His truths.

=)

Idols do fall. Hallelujia! They fall!!

=D

Love,

~Me

My First Backslide.....

Yea, yea, yea. I have heard over and over again this year about people backsliding as a Christian....So...There I go.

Going down the hills quicker than I can try to even claw my way up.

I screwed up majorly and now I'm seeing it. I don't know how to get myself out of this mess.

I'm so tired of people who use others. I'm so naive to think people have changed and well...while change does happen, it hasn't in this case.

I'm so stupid. Absolutely stupid.

I don't know how to fix any of this and I need to be asking God to help me out of this pit I put myself in, instead of blaming Him for putting me back in it.

My job is going well. I'm very busy and very good at what I do. =) I'm exhausted a lot because I work all the time......But, it's all a good thing.

Pray for me and pray for me to be able to close the door I opened yet again....The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

I keep hoping that the results are different.

They never are.

You know when people use others....it crushes their spirit. No matter what you use them for. Use them for your own happiness, use them to do something for you, use them to do things you don't want to do, use them as a fill-in when someone else can't be with you.

It's wrong to use people. Sometimes people just want to be wanted. Want someone to call them just because they wanted to hear their voice....


John 10:10....I know it by heart. The thief comes only to kill, steal and destroy.....I came so that we might have life and have it in abundance.

Grumble..I'm an idiot.

Love,

Me

Meh

I dis-like when people disappoint me over n over n over n over n over again. That's why I'm so glad God will never disappoint me. =) Ever.

Work is going okay.....Been sick and it's made it harder.

Getting ready to go to work this morning.

Pray for me.

love,

Di

One step closer to spring =)

Planted my lil seedlings in the indoor seed starter kit =)

Didn't plant all of them in case I do something wrong.

Can't wait to see them sprout on up =)

Hooray!

Love,

~Me

A lil update

My life is about to get tons busier, so taking the time to update a bit before I disappear for a bit.

Quick question.....any of you guys know how to make my Facebook Profile private? I had to get the new profile and the options aren't in the same place and some how it's public. Yikes!!

I start work Friday =) They hurried and got me in there. I felt the love as they were all wanting me on their shift <3 They said I will liven the place up! It's refreshing to hear things like that and how much good energy I put off. Compliment after compliment! Such a change! I have to go pants shopping tomorrow =) Since I lost so much weight, it actually won't be a dread! Looking forward to it!! People have been telling me lately "Your hair looks fantastic, when did you get it done?" No exaggeration probably 8 people in the last couple weeks. My hair has always been the same LOL it's just the weight loss! When I tell them that, they are like "omg yea". ( I can't get a double space in here and it's making me crazy) A couple of months ago I thought my night blooming jasmine was going to the great green house in the sky. All her leaves were falling off and ugh I was just sad. Last week she took off like a mad crazy woman with sprouting. As you can see below, she lost her leaves for new ones!!

And below is all her growing!!



She's looking just as gorgeous as she did over the summer! My brother and his wife came over the other day and said they had to get one. She smells so good and bloomed 3 times over the summer.

I got all my starter stuff for my seeds and going to plant them this weekend in the tiny green house! =)

Hmmm can't think of much else and it will probably be awhile til I post again. I literally am either working, going to CPR, computer class and orientation every night and day. On top of that being a mom, working out and doing the other stuff I do.

Life so rocks.

Praise God =)

I loves Him!

Shoot me an email a/b FB if you know!

Love, Love, Love

Me

It has been a great week

I wish they all could be like this one. It's like when you see in the movies all the lights are green, traffic is good, everyone is smiling and saying hi at you!

Sunday night and I have to be to work tomorrow at 9 YAY!! =)

The job takes the cake this week...So much good stuff has happened and I'm like huh?

I even got asked to go to Mexico for a week and he'd pay for it!

All good stuff happening all around!! =)

I hope Monday proves to be even better =)

I really thank God last week was so wonderful!

Hope everyone has a great week next week!!

Love,

~me

Saw a great movie tonight....

Secretariat......Excellent movie =)

I'm not biased or anything living in Kentucky...

Great horse, great movie!!

<3

Me

Updating a bit more

I had to run to the bank to get some checks and stuff for Monday to take to payroll.

I'm so happy my heart feels fluttery like when you fall in love!!

The LAST real job I have had (outside of doing independant stuff) was at Nichol's Tae Kwon Do and Judo Academy on Richmond Hwy in Alexandria VA.... I remember it REALLY well.

Working in an actual place has been a huge source of anxiety for me, with my PTSD.

The last night I worked I came home late...Kids were asleep. I didn't check on them or anything. Woke Anthony up for school the next day and his whole face was black and blue.

I was in shock and asked him what happened. He said "Daddy kept hitting me with the phone cause I wouldn't go to sleep. I went to sleep mommy."

I didn't know what to do because the kids were never his outlet. Only me.

So......I went to Mr. Nichols (who to this day is still my friend) and told him I couldn't work anymore. A week later I moved back to KY.

Everytime I tried to work and would be at work I would start having anxiety worrying if the kids were okay, if someone was hurting them.

I have tried to work over the years and just couldn't.

I had to do things like clean houses and hair cuts here and there where I could either take the kids with me or leave if I needed to.

I have prayed about this over and over again. I asked God to help me find a job I would be good at and where I could make a difference.

I know I'm ready. I know.

Seeing that job open up on that board.......Grabbing that application without even a tiny bit of apprehension.

That job was made for me and I'm so excited words can't even describe.

God brought me to it and He will get me through it.

I'm so happy!

Thank God. <3

=)

YAY!! I got the job!!!!!

~Dianna

I..........................

Got the job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got the jobbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb =)

I feel like I'm walking on sunshine!!


Praise God!!!!!!!!!!!

I got the job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love,

Me

Lil Update

I have been getting a lot of emails and posts on Facebook asking how the interview went, so I decided to do a full update instead of typing it out over and over.

Interview went great and apparently LOTS of people were waiting for the same job to open up....They have 12 people competing for the same job.

I'm not nervous at all. If it's meant for me to have that job, I'll have it.

I asked God for favor before I went in and if it's in His plan.... =) I'll get it.

If not, then something better is coming my way!!

She said it usually takes a week to process all the applications and for now I'll just play the waiting game.

Thanks for not only the prayers and well wishes...Thanks for all the encouragement and just the love people have been showering on me.

I'm blessed!!

We got a suprise snow storm last night....grumble, grumble.

Mid-February I'm going to start growing my seeds inside and I'm going to start a gardening bloggety blog!!

=) Things are going so well. Yesterday I got told I was cute as a cup cake LOL!!

Made me feel good.

Happy Thursday!!

Love,

Dianna

Need some prayers!!!

I am so excited.........My life is changing at such an unreal pace it's unreal LOL!

The job I have been wanting for forever and a day FINALLY came open this morning at the gym.

Dave took my application and gave it directly to Kim who with-in 5 minutes called me for an interview!! They wanted me to come in tonight, but I have redemption group.........But tomorrow at 2 I have my interview!!!

They are sending me straight to the group interview and it's intimidating because I know everyone who will be interviewing me.

I can't stop smiling because I am soooo happy. All those people are like my family and I'm just super excited.

Pray lots please =)

Love,

Dianna

Saturday

I'm exhausted!

Just finished the weekend long Redemption group and getting a breather til it starts back Monday night.

I had no idea what it was and to be honest before going into it, my life was so chaotic that I had no idea what to expect.

It was Friday night and all day today and will resume on Mondays for 8 weeks.

To say that it was intense is an understatement...

It was so eye opening to not only share my pain, but hear the pain of beautiful women and some beautiful men as well.

To see that everyone has tremendous struggles. To see that love through Christ can heal that pain.

I never realized til today how much I have changed. How far I have come and how much Jesus redeems me constantly.

I fell so much deeper in love with the one who created me. I really thought I loved Him so much, til this weekend when it went a step higher and I fell that much deeper in love with Him.

God is so good.

I love Him.

I could say it a million times and it wouldn't be enough to tell you how much I love Him.

The way He works in peoples lives. The way He uses every relationship we have to redeem us.

To know all that pain wasn't for nothing.

To know His ways are not our ways.

I love Him.

Love,

~Di

Sweet, Sweet Jesus

When you have a mentally ill child some days you feel as if your whole life has been turned upside down.

You can be coasting along in life and on a dime everything changes.

Today was one of those days. For the past two weeks my life has been very chaotic, leaving me exhausted.

This morning everything escalated higher than it ever had before. I literally wanted to walk in my door fall prostrate on the floor and stay there. I could sink no lower nor could I feel or go any lower.

I went back to my bed to cry and something happened...

Not really sure how to write what happened but it was amazing. Let me find a good analogy....

You know how people leave scents on clothes? Like maybe your mom's closet smells like your mom's perfume or your husband takes off his shirt and if you picked it up to smell it, it would smell like him?

Today when I was on my bed, the tears falling with no end in sight...I got that feeling. An overwhelming feeling that Jesus was right there with me. Like I could smell Him and just this sensation that overtook me and He was there.

I can't explain it and I have never experienced anything like it. Ever. My heart became so full.......It's like all those broken pieces spilling out all over, Jesus was in thereh holding them all together and healing them.

My heart had the butterflies in it like when you are first in love.

It was if He didn't want me to doubt for a second He was there. I wish I could explain it better...

I know when I was married and my husband always used to come in and kiss me before he left for work. You could smell his aftershave, cologne.....whatever it was for a few minutes after he left.

Smell it enough to know he was there.

Same concept, cept He didn't leave.

I am so in love with Jesus.

He just makes everything alright.

I love Him.

~Di

A bit of change

My computer suffered a cruel, fast death....I was blessed w/ a wonderful, wonderful gift of a brand new lap top =) I LOVE it!!

Love

=)

Love

I'm getting a new email address and will shortly phase out my current one. If you don't already have the new one just leave me a comment or email me at my current addy and I will give you the new one.

By the end of the month I should be fully using my new one.

=)

Love, Love, LOVE

~Me

Coming up on a year

Since God found me.

My therapist is working on a plan for February. February is when my SAD gets the worst and I get pretty severely depressed.

This year it's starting to creep up on me. I have to remember how God changed me and is changing me. I was an awful mess when God found me.

Good grief, the lies I told. The things I did.

I have to remember every day that Jesus redeemed me.

I'm scared sometimes because I'm so afraid that girl who I was will come back out. I don't want to be her. I'm so scared, but God won't let me go back. I have to say that over and over. I'm not her anymore. God won't let me go back.

I needed to hear todays message in church so bad. The cross. The cross. The cross.

The cross changed me.

I did really bad things. I said really bad things. I lied.

I get upset by things people have done to me and never stop to think of the things I have done to others.

Upset by someone lying to me and they have no idea to the extent I lied to them.

I suck.

I need Jesus. I have come such a long, long way in becoming someone different. I need to lay my past down at Jesus feet. I repented, God forgave me because of Jesus.

I need to quit living in the past, not forgiving myself. Accept the forgiveness that was given to me.

I suck and desperately need Jesus.

I need to extend the grace given to me, to others. People do bad things, people say bad things. No one is a pyramid of virtue. Everyone is in need of a Savior.

My past is not my future. Jesus is my future.

I wish I could forgive myself as easily as God forgave me.

The cross.

Live it.

Love it.

Wash, rinse, repeat til I GET IT.

Happy Sunday.

Love,

~me ~dianna

Dreams

Sometimes I have such good dreams that I don't want to wake up. Sometimes I can't figure out why I dreamed what I did.

Sometimes I dream something so real that I wake up and feel guilty for what people say in the dream.

I wish I knew how to go to sleep and make them all pleasant.

I didn't forget. I didn't.

Love,

~me