Tuesday

Tired on Tuesday. Not much happening. Have cleaned all morning but now am so exhausted I don't feel like I can move. I have been out of iron for awhile now and can't get any. I think my anemia is creeping back up. Esp after I bled for a few days with my tooth. Quite a bit even. I just sit here and my eye lids are so heavy. Gonna need some sleep for sure. House is all cleaned. Trying to make do without a dryer. With 3 kids, not easy. That's about it. All kids are ready for school. I'm ready for them to go back. I'm ready for the basement to be finished. Okay have a happy Tuesday.
Love,
Di

Monday Morning

Howdy on Monday. I got my tooth pulled Friday.. Was scared, but did it. Was very sore for a couple of days, but today I can't even tell I had it done. The worry over it was worse than the actual process.... Everything is good and calm here. We have a fairly new dryer like 2 years old. It broke... Annoying.

Happy Monday

Friend-
1. A person whom one knows, likes and trusts
2. A person whom one knows, an acquaintance
3. A person whom one is allied in a struggle or a cause, a comrade


Love,
Di

I'm a coward

It's summer....It's hot... I'm tired. I'm not feeling as good as I was when we came home from moms. Starting to just get plum wore out again.
Have to go have a tooth extracted Friday...I'm scared to death... I Have to have it done, it's bothering me a great deal. I don't understand why I have no courage. Sometimes I wish I could go see the wizard myself and he would give me some medal that would just make me brave. I'm so frozen by fear. I just sit around and think all the time at what I could be if fear didn't hold me down, but I can't seem to get out from it's grip. I don't know what to do. Sigh. It makes me terribly sad. The dizziness is starting to come back, I guess that I am going to have to accep the fact that I am probably going to be dizzy the rest of my life. The thought just kills me. The allergy pills aren't working, I'm always congested.. We live in the worst place in the world for allergies.

I hate the dizziness.... I just don't understand why it won't go away. I have been sleeping sitting up for a year. The one week I lay down, I have to go to the hospital with dizziness. HATE IT.

Ugh.

Love,
Di

KFC now with lesser sodomy??

Let's see if I can do this without laughing. My son wants to know what sodomy is..... " I can't tell you that around Savannah" Anthony says, "Well it's not like it's bad you see it on TV all the time on commercials" ... "where???"
Anthony..."you know the KFC commercials, their chicken now has less sodomy?"

Me thinks he needs to be taught proper pronunciation of Sodium... Making mental note!! Owooooooooooo!

and Owoooooooooooooooo!!!

and owooooo

Love
di

ugh

Sup'

It's Tuesday!! Feeling a bit better today. I have had some sort of cold/allergy thing going on. Migraine. The migraine stinks but this time it was off and on and not constant which is okay for the most part. Yesterday I did not clean... GASP... So after I wake up this morning some, I am going to give the house a good once over.
The dryer tried to eat a sock, thank God we caught it before the motor got burned up. Um.....nothing else exciting to report. All is dull and boring and I like it! =) hope everyone is having a great summer. Almost 1 month til school starts!!
YAY!!!!! I'm so happy!!!
Love,
Di

Howdy!

Not too much goin on. =) house is clean, laundry is done. I'm tired. Savannah kicks me all night long. So, last night wasn't very easy on sleepin. Life right now is pretty boring and I am soaking up every single inch of it. Went to moms on the 4th for a cookout. Was nice and relaxing. Watched movies. Just plain nice. Took some pics but don't feel like editing them just yet. So I'll share later.
Happy Sunday!
Love,
Di

Happy Fourth!

=) Happy Fourth!! We are heading over to my moms for a cookout and maybe to my aunts and maybe a couple other places. Not sure where we will end up. I'm kinda tired. Got up and cleaned imagine that. If I dont maintain even one day it will get out of hand, so that means every day spend 2 hrs maintaining. I made a bunch of cookies last night and got everything for today done last night. That's really about it. Nothing much happening and I like it =)
Enjoy your holiday and be safe
Love,
Dianna

Happy 3rd!

Just sat down. Beat, beat, beat!! I got up maintained what I had been cleaning all week. Went to Walmart got some stuff for tomorrow. Came home cleaned. Sat down played computer for a wee bit then got back up making dinner and just finished mopping floors. My eyes are so heavy from exhaustion. Owooooooo! i got some new swiffer Lavendar and they kinda made my allergies act up. I really don't like the smell either. Not as pleasant as the box says. Creepy smellin. Got a busy day tomorrow. Im glad. Laundry is all done. =) covers and sheets are all done. Gonna make some gluten free cookies in a few to take tomorrow. That's about it. Nice and dull just like I like it :) Happy Thursday.
Love,
Di

July!

I didn't even realize that it was July! Happy July! Didn't sleep very well last night at all. Had alot of anxiety off and on. Went to bed a lil after 10 didn't fall asleep til after 1 am. I really worked my butt off yesterday. I am really working my butt off today. Boxes have got to be carried upstairs and onto the patio, furniture has to be carried out of the basement. They are going to remodel the bathroom and that means drywall dust and muck all over, then comes the carpet people and we can't have anything downstairs. Sooooooo alot of work. I am trying to get it done one step at a time, but I'm petering out. Everytime I ask the boys for help I get a TON of lip and frankly I am pissed off about that. They should help. I need to take a shower, but used all the hot water washing sheets and blankets. So waiting on that. Haven't been on computer very much at all. Just to check mail. I don't miss it.
I do however miss my TV Land. Leave it to beaver, the beverly hillbillies. 5 tvs in the house and I want to watch a program I get nothing but whining and complaining. Savannah won't leave my side. I'm just ready for school to start and some peace and quiet. I need some.
Okay Have a happy July.
Love,
Di
PS added some new old photos to my photo blog. If you haven't seen them they are new to you :P ha ha!

Evening

I'm stressed. Just seems like no peace. My chest always hurts, my hearts always fluttering. Stress. Bird boy moved out, they were living with the grandma. I was so excited. No more psycho bird boy. Okay, the daughter moves back in with the grandma, has a lil girl named Katy....Okay seems nice enough.......... UGH, I am sitting out back tonight, the dogs want out, I let them out..... What do they have??? Pit bulls. My jaw is still on floor, i can't deal with anymore shit. They all start fighting that dog looked like it was going to come over the fence. I mean he was going at opie..... So now, Savannah still can not go outside, now nor can my dogs. I just don't know what kind of life joke is being played on me. I really do not. I don't find it funny. I am going to have a heart attack for sure. No let up ever.

Howdy

Been awhile since I last updated. Not much has changed. Had some sort of weird virus all last week, fever, achey etc. Mom had it too, not sure what it was, but it's letting up thank God. Just came upstairs from cleaning the basement and my eyes are watery and I'm coughing. I really don't need to be in all that muck, but there really isn't anything I can do. Gotta get it cleaned up before they tear it apart, then I will have to redo it from dry wall dust.
I scrubbed mine/Savannahs room last night really good and sat down for a second about 8 oclock and fell plum asleep. Tried doing landscaping yesterday. Some people have their calling, landscaping is not mine. I don't enjoy it and I'm not any good at it.
That's about it on updates, Kids are running me to death crazy, but school starts soon =) I am so glad, I miss my peace and quiet in the days.
Okay Happy Tuesday!
Love
Di

if anyone is interested

I updated my photoblog Di's photo blog

My baby girl

Lost in a sea of stuff

Trying to organzie stuff. UGH, I want to have a yardsale but UGH I don't. Too much trouble, too much hassle. Fixing to list a ton of stuff on Freecycle again today. It's such a good program. I go downstairs and look and just don't know where to start. Twin sheets, full sheets, games, old clothes.... I just don't know where to start. I really, really don't. Started on the sunporch yesterday. Half finished it. So many 3 and 4 T clothes. I wish lil Evangeline was old enough to wear them. There's easily 1500 dollars worth of nice clothes just sitting. I need to just start but when everything is disorganized, I don't know what to do. We need a dumpster. Badly. Just wanna pitch so much stuff in the dump and get it out of my bair. Get rid of things that I do not use, nor will I use. We have no storage for anything and we just need stuff gone, gone, gone Whoa whoa whoa.
Any ideas on organizing?

Owoooooo

tis the time for getting rid of stuff. I rejoined freecycle and getting rid of stuff out of the basement one by one. We have to have the whole basement recarpeted, tiled, what have you. Got burnt pretty badly yesterday, spilled boiling water down my chest. Hurts pretty bad, blistered, etc. Went to ICC yesterday and they put silvadene on it, which is a big No no since I am allergic to sulfa drugs. It itched got a rash, yadda, yadda, yadda. I cried sooooooooo much. It hurt. Today I am achey as hell, not sure if it's from holding my body funny when i was burned or just cause I suck. Either or........ I don't feel well. My head hurts so bad it feels like at any second, I will have a seizure or my brain will explode. I haven't had a headache this bad in quite sometime.
Is getting older jsut always aches and pains? If so sign me up for something else.
Picture will be up Saturday in NYC YAY!!! That's about it. I have been working on the sun porch and in the basement, pushing through this headache. I just wanna sleep it off but it hurts so bad I'm not sure if I can even do that.

Til we meet again
Me

Very Very big news for me!!!

Kodak contacted me and Savannah's pic I took of her won a contest so on Saturday June 21st the first day of summer this pic will be displayed ALL DAY long every few minutes on the big screen in New York Cities Times Square!!!! I needed this, you have no clue, I needed this!!

A second blog entry for today

I learned today that there are quite a few people who don't understand me and are quite quick to pass judgement on me.
First of all let me say, because someone has an illness you can't see, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
I have severe depression. Absolutley, totally severe depression.
I recognize this, I accept it.
Some days I feel like I can't move, I'm tired. Not a day passes that I don't cry. I feel hopeless on the inside and some days I would like to do nothing more than to die. Am I suicidal, not by any means. But I have depression severe enough that sometimes exactly how i feel. My life hasn't been easy.
Open up a box of depression sometime, try it on. Try and see what it feels like, guarantee you will give it back in a second. It isn't fun.
But it's real and it's hard.
I may not be the best mom on this earth, but I love my kids and we have special things that we do. I may not be able to go to all their functions that I want. Depends on the day. It doesn't mean I'm doing anything wrong. I physically can't do it somedays. But it doesn't make me any less of a person or mother because I can't. I'm so tired of people passing judgement on what they think they know about me. When they know nothing. They only go by what they see. Not by how I feel inside.
Again let me say. Depression is real and it's not fun. You know those commercials you see about it on TV, that is a cake walk compared to how I feel somedays.
Only one person can judge me and that's God.
I know what type of person I have been and know who I am.
I also understand that I have an illness, several as a matter of fact and I can't be like everyone else.
Nor do I want to be.

Stress

I'm so stressed. I can't begin to reiterate here, how stressed I am. I almost am emotionally numb. We just got home today, was at moms for almost a week. Air broke again. Long story short, pipe had a hole in it behind the wall, blah blah blah... I have no bathroom walls. Lots and lots of mold, which is probably why I have been so sick. Everyone gets out of the house but me. Im the one who's here. My computer is going out, Have only had it 16 mos. Gateway only honored the warranty for a year. It is the only life line I have to anyone. So if it goes, just throw me in the garbage. It was nice actually being around people at my moms. But I came home to a huge mess. I don't even know where to start.
Juan has been having huge problems. The other day I guess Tuesday he didn't want to go to my moms. So what does he do??????? Goes takes off says he's going to run away. I have 2 kids in car, 2 dogs, its hot......So I am chasing him down road in car with him screaming to all neighbors "I don't trust you" blah blah blah... So he stops at Patricks house, made a huge scene. Police had to be called. All because he wanted to stay with his buddies.
His dad wants him to go to Texas to live for the school year. I want that, I think we both need it. I can't take the stress of a marriage that fell apart, the bills, the stuff breaking, Anthonys issues, and then Juan. I can't do it all. I'm slowly dying inside. We just got home today and Anthony went out mowed the front yard, Juan supposed to do the back. Gets mad, throwing a fit... Had to fix savannah some juice and got even more pissed and shoved the cup so hard in her face and pushed her lips into her teeth leaving her crying and her lip bleeding.
I hate his friends....... He has changed since he has started hanging with them.
So air hasn't been fixed, it all the sudden now works. I'm positive it will break again. I can't go downstairs, not only are there no walls, there's bleach all over. We were honest and told the ins. company that it happened a couple of weeks ago, they are saying it has to reported same day. I'm going to have Johnny call the, how the fuck am I supposed to know there's a leak behind the wall? Fuckers. It doesn't pay to be honest. I should lie, steal and cheat. Those people get everything they want and more. I see why they do it. They always come out on top. Leaving honest shit asses like myself in the current situation I am in.
I am starting to lose faith in God also which is something I never thought would happen. How much can one person take? I am finding out. I am steps away from checking myself into a hospital because I can no longer cope with everything that goes on. I can't. I need a break and I don't get one.
Have to go to a graduation party, come back to the sweltering house and start somewhere trying to clean it up....... you have no clue ....... to find the leak all had to be taken out, dishes all over.. I just don't know where to start when all I want to do is bury my head in the sand and give up.
Prayers in abundance, maybe God will hear you all, because he certainly doesn't hear a word I say.

Happy Sunday.