Saturday, July 31, 2010
Oh, How I Miss You
On Tuesday my dearest Brett will celebrate his 18th year into heaven.
The song playing is one he chose for me to "Make me cry" at his funeral. It worked.
My Dearest Brett,
Each year that passes....I wonder if maybe this year it won't be hard. Maybe this year it won't hurt.
I'm wrong every year. This year it's the hardest because I can't remember your voice. Your sweet, sweet laugh. Gone. My dad put on DVD the news story of you so I could hear your voice. It made me sad to watch you.
The memories we had never leave me. That's one thing I won't let leave.
My favorite of all was prom. You had your tuxedo on, your silk bandana covered the place where your beautiful hair used to lay. I was so nervous that day. Getting my dress on, getting my hair fixed. You weren't feeling real well and the Drs wanted you to wear a mask, being exposed to that many people. Germs.
You of course refused. We sat at the table to let you rest and talk. There were little memory books on the tables with tiny pencils attached. You looked up into my eyes and I could see the candles flickering in yours. Your eyes welled up with tears and you stared into mine a bit longer before you started to write.
You close the book and slide it across the table to me........I open it and see written........Dianna, I love you more than anyone could in my short lifetime.
I look back up, your eyes still fixed on mine. I'm not even sure they ever left me. As I look back into your eyes..the candles still flickering. I see it like it was yesterday. I closed my eyes and said "God, please let me remember this forever." You take my hand and we just sit there in the quiet. We both know what's coming in a couple weeks or months. But nothing is spoken. Just spending an evening with no more hospitals, no more chemo. The very last time we would ever spend a day in May together.
I never told you how much I loved you til you died. I regret that. Walking into your room right after you passed. People were trying to throw your cups away and get everything cleaned up and I wanted to shout "What are you doing people, I want that, stop!" I wanted your cups, I wanted your straws........
I wanted everything you touched. Even if you only touched it a second, I wanted it.
The time came when everyone left me alone to be with you. The door closed.... I was so scared.
I see you laying on the bed, your spirit was gone. What made you, you....Your smile, your jokes, your big heart. Gone. It was so weird being in that room, but at the same time so peaceful. It looked like you had drifted off to sleep.
You had on a black Metallica Tshirt and a pair of white jeans. Your hair had all grown back. You had your senior ring on.
I took your hand and held it and kissed it. I just wanted you to wake up. I twirled your ring around your finger in a circle. I wanted you to just reach out and touch my head and tell me that it would all be okay. I just wanted you back.
I saw a piece of paper next to you. Your mom said right before you died you tried to write something....... I clearly saw a D and an i.
I have wondered this 18 years if you were trying to tell me something. Were you trying to tell me one more time you love me?
I knew. Maybe what you didn't know was how much I loved you too.
Even when you were sick I had such a good time with you. Those late nights at the hospital where after chemo we would eat gummy bears to see if when you threw them up they would be decapitated or be whole!......when we pulled out all your hair with duct tape. The late nights at the hospital where you would just be on 10 straight hours of throwing up, but always look over to tell me that you love me.
I loved spending the nights at the hospital with you. Room 409 will always be a special place to me.
Oh, how I miss you.
I was so angry at you for so long after you died. I just wondered so much what am I supposed to do alone with a baby? Why did you have to die, why did you leave me?
I'm not angry at you anymore, however I miss you.
I drive by places all the time and wonder if you would recognize them if you came back. I sit outside your house sometimes and close my eyes and envision you walking down the path.
I miss you Brett. Hope you are in heaven enjoying being with God and all of your family.
I haven't forgotten you. Not even a little. Anthony's all grown up and heading off to college.
Wish he could've known you.
I love you so much and you will always be in my heart.
I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could tell you things I never got to. People sometimes dislike the fact that I tend to ramble on when trying to say things. Anything that's important I don't want to leave out. I don't want to ever leave anything unsaid again.
I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you =(