Monday, July 26, 2010

Today I Let You Go

For a very long time, I can't even recall the years, months or days that I have struggled with the whole concept "letting go."

People tend to over use that phrase a great deal, but I don't think most of them even gather what it is to let something go.

Maybe it's a petty argument that happened a long time ago. It crosses your mind and you find yourself mad about it all over again.

Maybe someone passed away that you loved dearly, maybe it was harsh words said to you, maybe an ex boyfriend or girlfriend didn't love you, maybe someone did a huge unjust to you.

It's easy for onlookers to say "let it go." I know for me I didn't understand the whole process of........ "let it go".

Sarah Mclachlan sung it best when she sung "I don't know how to let you go."

Struggling with this on many fronts, I have learned that you don't just up and say "So and so, I let you go", then like a scene from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind your memories are BLAMMO erased forever.

I have gained understanding, that it's such a gradual process, most of the time we don't even realize we are truly "letting go."

For me it was like looking at map, you start out to go somewhere far away. Starting point would be heartache, sadness, anger, longing for someone ....................The destination.......Letting Go.

It would be nice to be able to just log that information into Mapquest! Can you imagine a whole outlined map of letting go? They would tell you where to avoid traffic, which would be the best route to go and best of all they would give you a pretty good estimate of how long it will take you to get there!

If only life worked like that.

Sometimes you take such small steps it doesn't even look like you have left the starting point. Things come around to either take you back to the starting point, someone might say the wrong thing (or right thing) and guess what? You are back at your starting point again.

Really, you are not.

The best things sometimes happen the slowest. Sometimes you are missing a pivotal point that you have to go back to the beginning to get.

For me, I have been struggling so much with letting a few people go. God has clearly told me they are wrapped in red caution tape, let them go.

At first I wrestled with God, I didn't want to let them go. I stayed at my starting point. I didn't like it here, but moving past that starting point seemed too scary for me to do.

More tears, more sadness, more anger........ go back to the starting point.

Sometimes God would give me this tremendous amount of strength and courage and I would pull an all nighter driving towards that end point of letting go.

Getting out there and feeling how scary it is out there... I had to pull over on the side of the highway. Find a roadside motel and think for awhile on if I want to get to my destination or go back to that place I disliked so much? I would spend days stopped at that roadside motel pondering on if going back was the best way or keep on driving.

A few times I would turn around and start heading back to the starting point...Something would come over me and I would say "What are you doing? You didn't like it there. Turn around quickly and get right back on that road. You have traveled this road already, nothing good is on it. It leads to the same places." Finally!!! The uncomfortable feeling of not knowing what was at the end felt better than going back to a beginning I never wanted in the first place.

This morning I pulled over on the proverbial side of the road and looked at the map. I'm almost to my destination. I have just about fully let go.

The road getting to "letting go" has been difficult. If I had a map key to mark off all the places I stopped to cry, all the times I went back and then turned around. The times when I just stopped.

I will tell you a certain freedom comes from letting go. A peace comes from reaching your destination.

That is my lesson I have learned in letting go........You don't just do it. You go down a road plagued with tears, heartache, hurt feelings, words swirling around in your head, memories passing by as if you were watching a movie.

But in reliving each one, in hearing each word, the hurt re-opening again and again. Let the words come, let the hurt come. Feel it. Let it have it's moments so you can understand why you were not meant to be in the starting point in the first place.

Freedom in letting go.

Have a wonderful day.



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