Stress

Kyle and I had been doing better about arguing in front of the kids. I stress HAD. Yesterday he came home and lunch and the sh*t hit the fan. Arguing, arguing, baddddddd arguing. Over stuff that doesn't even make any sense. Then last night about 11:30 BAM HUGEEEEEEEEEEEE, HUGEEEEEEEEEEEE argument. OMG we were so loud that I actually lost my voice. I'm sure the kids know all my dirty laundry now as do they Kyles. It was almost 1 and I had to beg him to stop and give me 20 minutes just so I could cry and get my bearings about me. Then it went on and I just kept saying STOP........I just want it to stop. STOP, STOP, STOP! So finally I guess he sensed I wasn't joking when I said stop and went to bed.
It was horrible, it was ugly and this morning I am soooooooooo pissed off that when I think about it, I get dizzy and feel sick.
I have no privacy. Anywhere. For someone to go and invade my privacy, crosses the line. I am not sure that I can get over this round of being angry. I am that mad. I am already anxious when Kyle is around for the simple reason that we argue and it makes me have panic attacks. I have no where to go in this house. I quit keeping a journal because people would read it. Even my prayer journal has been snooped in. What do you do, when someone takes away any bit of privacy you had?
2 weeks ago we had a huge, huge argument over my past...........why does this matter?
The arguing is getting to be petty and I just can't take any more of it. Last night was so bad. Yesterday was so bad. I laid in bed til 3 am just thinking and thinking. Things are so wrong.
When I go back to the Dr. I am going to have to ask for antidepressants or anti anxiety, because I can't do it on my own anymore.
I'm sad, I'm lonely and I'm tired.
I thought a month ago, I had given up, but didn't think things could sink any lower.
Well, my white flag goes a little higher, I give up.
My life is not my own.........It's everyone elses. Everyone has a say so in what I do wrong, or what I don't do.....the kids are acting horribly lately and will not do anything that I ask. They bad mouth me constantly. Tell me my anemia shouldn't make me tired and that I'm "Faking" it. I wish to God a few people could feel what it's like to have a low red blood cell count. I tried to mop yesterday and got so dizzy and winded that I almost passed out. I can't catch my breath, I am tired, I'm dizzy and no one understands. I seriously feel close to a nervous break down and now I can't write my feelings out anywhere or say them anywhere because I have no privacy. I just want something of my own.
Happy Thursday
I'll be crying much of the day.
Love,
D