Sunday

Not much going on. Party thing earlier. Came home..........stuff stressful stuff........ fast fwd to me..... drained. Fed up with people. Fed up with moody people. Fed up with everything. Just about ready to walk away.....I try to figure out why people act the way they do. I can't. Today drained me... You non anxious people have no clue how draining anxiety is. Consider yourself lucky. You know one thing I can't figure out about people? Why is it that people can really say nasty hateful things behind someones back, but yet act all sweet and nice to them. If you are going to say something behind someones back at least have the audacity to say it to their face. I never say anything about anyone that I can't say directly to them.
Oh a funny in all my blah, I forgot to tell you guys about my dentist appt thing. They are so funny. They wanted me to go with silver cause it was stronger and what nots but for cosmetic reasons I insisted that they go with the porcelain. They strongly advised against it but ....listened to my requests. When they finished they were making the sign of the cross over and over and he was fixing to bless me with the dental squirter. I about peed my pants from laughing so hard. Had he actually done it, I would have rolled. Funny stuff!! They are fantastic people.
Okay, I'm going to go to bed..........I would say going to try to figure out people but I think that's a moot point.
Sunday.
Love,
Di

Happy Saturday :)

I tried to update earlier, but it wouldnt let me. Brat!!
Happy Saturday!!!
Love
Di

Home

From dentist. Didn't take but 30 min. if even that. Worried all week and it was over in a blink of an eye. Wasted worry. My forte'. They had to go way above the gumline and did a number on my gums and after the Cabocaine wears off, I am going to feel it. He told me I would. I can take nothing for the pain either. Can't wait for that. Okay...That's about it.
Happy Friday
Love,
Di

Thursday

Not much going on. Been busy. Living room, spotless, kitchen spotless. Worked on laundry. Went outside and picked up some sticks and straightened up out there. Tomorrow is my dentist appt. I prided myself on doing so good on the other ones and I should know I'm scared about tomorrows. I have to go. I just ugh. I'll live I'm sure. Just nerves. Savannah's back to school today. I miss her. I enjoyed having her home. She truly melts my heart. She has read me a plethera of books this week. I love it. Going to go to bed early tonight. Bask in my clean house. Working on Savannah's/my room LOL right now. Fun fun. Sheets changed and bed made. Doing the floor in a few. Just needed a break. Oh!!!!! I got my blood work back my iron is..............11.9!!!!!!! Perfectly normal!! My iron stores are still low, but they are higher than last time and are building. So :) YAY!
That made my day. See mom I HAVE Been taking my iron!!
Happy Thursday
LOve
Di

Wednesday

Happy Wednesday. Feeling somewhat better about things today. Dizzy today which scares me to death about going to dentist on Friday. Life would be so much easier with no dizzy. :( Savannah's home from school today. Feeling somewhat better, but her ear is still hurting her. Juan went to school, but missed his bus. This is exactly what happened at the beginning of the year, I can't handle another bout of that. I can't do it. That's about it.
It's Wednesday.
Trash day.
LOve,
Di

Savannah Sleeps

She has been sick for over a week now and just falls asleep anywhere! Her Dr appt went good, she has an ear infection of course and sinus infection. More antibiotics. Here are some ways she has slept this week LOL

Good morning? NO

Savannah up all night screaming with ear pain- Of course
Juan calling from school, throat hurt and stomach hurt- Of course
Trying to keep my eyes open with tooth picks to figure out how to get him and take her to Dr at same time......
Her appt at 11:20 she has screamed and screamed and screamed.
I have a cold on top of it. We all just got over flu.
I can't even be depressed cause it's just unreal.
Happy tuesday.

An update to my BLAH post

Well, I went to dentist and since I got there early it's 100% patchable. No root canals, none of that stuffs. That made me happy. I'm still down. Sorry for my depressiveness. Just everything coming at me at once and I can't deal well. I will get over it soon enough. Just need some time and a break from bad things. The dentist was a start. Very nice. Had me a pillow ready when I got back there because of my dizziness :) Very compassionate for a sad girl LOL.

Didn't think

that I could make a blog post worse than yesterdays, but oh boy here it comes. If you don't like depressing just turn back now. I have been crying about 3 hrs now and I'm soooooooooooo down it's unreal. Well, lets start by I have a dentist appt at noon. I was eating a f$%#ing porkchop last night and there I guess was a small bone slither in there and guess what??????? Another tooth broke. Unreal. I just sit here and cry. I honestly can't afford another 2000 dollar dentist visit. I'm still paying on the loan from last years, cash paid last months and now ugh!! I'm sooooooooo mad it's unreal. I hate myself so bad it is really unreal. I can't even look in the mirror cause all I want to do is scratch my own eyes out. When I was told over and over again that I am a worthless piece of shit, I really am.......I am good for absolutely nothing. You know I don't lie, and I'm nice and I go above and beyond to help people over and over and I can't understand why I just can't have some good luck too. It's like being nice and being honest gets you absolutely nothing in life. Nothing. Is my whole entire life just going to continue to be hardship after hardship? Let's see, Mental abuse- Check, Physcial -abuse Check, Cancer and someone dying -Check, Raising kids on my own.......I can go on and on and on but I am so exhausted. Yesterday I think I took 4 naps, I would get up, have nothing to do. So I just would go back to bed. What's the point of even getting up? I might eat a snickers suck a peanut down my throat break all 26 teeth suck them into my lungs, choke get pnemonia........Story Of my life. No matter if I pray, no matter if I'm good, No matter what my life sucks so bad. I hate myself. All I can say today is that I have such a self hatred that I just wish I could run from myself but I'm stuck here. In a life I for the most part hate, In a body that I Hate, In a house that I hate. So today I will go alone to the dentist. I'm terrified, I'm stressed, my stomach hurts soooooooo bad..... UGH
The only thing that keeps me hanging on is hope and even that is fading at a drastic rate. Not much left to hold on to.
My song for today

Please come now
I think I'm falling
Holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I've found the road to nowhere
And I'm trying to escape
I yelled back when i heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say...

CHORUS
Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge
And I'm thinking
Maybe six feet ain't so far down

I'm looking down
Now that it's over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out
Heaven save me
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say...

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge
And I'm thinkin
Maybe six feet ain't so far down

(repeat chorus)

I'm so far down

Sad eyes follow me
But I still belive there's something left for me
So please come stay with me
Cause I still believe there's something left for you and me
For you and me
For you and me

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge
And I'm thinking

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge
And I'm thinking
Maybe six feet ain't so far down....

(repeat chorus)

Please come now
I think I'm falling
Holding on to all I think is safe...

It's Sunday

Having one of those pity party days today.. I'm tired, stayed up til after 2 am. Everyone in the house is gone but me and Savannah. Pretty much the story of my life. Me. Alone. Most days I do okay with it. Some days I miss touch. I get hugs from Savannah and kisses from Savannah, but it's not the same. Been over a year abouts, maybe even longer... I can't remember. Just know it's been a long, long time. I guess in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter much. Not much does. Things are what they are. Things are the way they are.
Me. Lost.
Somedays I see light at the end of the tunnel and I run and run and run, trying to get to it. But seems like someone always throws water on it, or stands in front of it. I never actually get to the light. The only thing that really keeps me holding on is hope. Hope that things won't always be this way or this bad. But in the back of my mind, I think things have gone wrong basically my whole life.
Gonna go reread Lindsays letter til I have it imprinted on my brain for life.
Happy Sundays are our there somewheres.
Til then, I'm looking.
Love,
Di

Saturday EVENING lol post

OMG this made me laugh so hard I had to post it........... I am still laughing!!
Snow pics are below it, but OMG LMAO!!

Snow!!!!!!!

YAY!! Snow!! I'm loving it!! We got about 12 inches. Thats like a 13 year snow for us. Last time we got this much snow I got pregnant with Juan, so that tells you how long ago it has been since we have had this much snow!! Sooooooo bear with the pics. Just look at it this way, you only have to endure them every 12 years or so HA HA!! They are mostly of the puppies. Savannah is sick and didn't stay out long, Juan in encouraging his friends to go make some cash and shovel out the "Old people" as he calls it and Anthonys playin WoW... The snow was over Claires chest. They had a complete ball out there and Opie was eating so much snow! We came in and Claire had these like big snow clumps falling off of her and opie was walking behind her eating them. :) Love love love the snow. PS photobucket changed things and resizing it is confusing the tar out of me so ignore if some are bigger. Gotta play with it later to figure it out.

Friday

Up getting ready for my Dr. Appt. Don't want to go. It's snowing. I'm tired. Not sure if I am in a good mood, in a bad mood or just not in any mood. I guess it really doesn't matter....... Kinda sad today.
Oh well.
Que Sera Sera
Love,
Di

** home from Dr. went pretty good all in all. He did a bunch of neurological stuffs. Got dizzy while he was doing it and he watched my eye balls. I reacted normally though, which is the GOOD News :) My eye balls are back to normal, no more one side pupil bigger than the other. Which was a main concern of his. Not sure if pupil right word, but the black spot. I explained all this to my family at Christmas but didn't blog about it cause I feel like it's whining. LOL my aunts were looking at my eyes OH YEAH!! LOL Thank God it's gone, felt like a freak!! After the dizzy virus one of black parts of my eye was staying dilated and the other one was normal. If it wasn't any better I was going to have to be tested for MS and ugh has been weighing on my mind like a brick. BUT!!!!!!! Since it's all back to normal I can blog and not whine cause it's GOOD!! Um I got a little bad news, nothing major. My dizziness.....UGH he said that sometimes when people get that virus, the labryinthitis that I had back in September...The infection sometimes permanently damages the nerves in the ears. The tests he did shows the damage is probably on my right side. It may get better, it may be there to some degree forever. The dentist probably triggered the attack. He said he will label it as BPV. Benign Postural Vertigo. He gave me a list of exercises to do to make myself dizzy. I have to go back in a month and he wants to start me on physical therapy for it. Since it may be permanent he said we can't train my brain to just deal with it. The rash on my arm is Vascular Mottle. Said that arm isn't getting enough circulation. Could be I sleep on it, could be cold or heat. Going to re evaluate that in a month. Blood pressure excellent. Go figure, I can't eat anything to damage my heart. Ha ha. Haven't had doves in 24 hrs and no headache. Iron blood work will be back in a few days. So all in all :) and alot of weights lifted so I can blog about it all and be happy :)

Thursday

Hi!! Just woke up..... zzzzzzzzz LOL took an afternoon nap. Felt nice! Hope everyone is well... Got my drs appt in the morning. 8:45.. don't want to go. But I think my mother would come beat my rear end. I was supposed to go back in December but didn't want to. The dizziness is 10 fold better today. Enoughs about that stuff.
Um......Living room I worked on all morning, then actually sat down and played some Worlds of Warcraft.
Ghost hunters was on last night, was soooooooo good!! Spooktastic I should say!!
LOST on tonight :) Music to my ears.....
Hmm we are maybe gonna get a foot of snow tonight. That will be fun!!
Okay, enough boring.
Ya'll be good!!
Love,
Di

Wednesday EVENING Post

Ha ha!! Snuck one in on yous guys. Evening is going okay..... I'll spare you the details, but you guys remember my check list from a few weeks ago. Check checks on the SSDDs. OYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Johnny, I keep forgetting to call you, I need to finish talking to you about what we talked about Sunday at moms. Soooooo call me when you have a good 20 minutes to discuss that stuffs. Speed is of the essence LOL!!
Okay a bonus post tonight, you lucky heifers. Some pics for your viewing pleasure. And Curl, On the days you don't have the baby I'm gonna come pick you up and take you cave hillin, if I get dizzy just keep the geese off me! HA HA!!


Happy Wednesday Evening......Trash is GONE GONE GONE
Whoa whoa whoa......
LOve,
Your faithful blogger
Nanz

Owoooooooo it's Wednesday

Hump day FINALLY!! Dizziness came and went yesterday off and on. I ended up getting a migraine so not sure if it was an aura for that or what. Seems to be better this morning, but that goes hour by hour. Got up way early this morning since I went to bed way early. Got my shower all done. Savannah's all up and ready. I had to write a bunch of checks this morning, field trips, lunch. Schools expensive!!
Guess I'll come home and take a nap...Not much else to do. I am very sleepy still though. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZ!
P.S. I have been keeping a log of the migraines and such and it is looking more and more like my Dove Darks are the triggers :( The one thing I can eat that I enjoy....Food sucks. I guess I'll keep eliminating things one by one til I am on a water only diet. Hate it.
It's Wednesday. Trash day.
Love,
Di

Having one of those days

Been dizzy all morning long. I am soooooo freaking mad that it's back again. It's only been gone 2 full months. Even then it's back on and off. It's days like today that make me so discouraged and so worn down. Dizziness is slowly wrecking my life. I have yet another Dr. Appt Friday. I'm sure he will send me for a ton of tests. I hate dizziness. Absolutely hate it.
I dunno what to do about it............
UGH
Happy Tuesday.

A trip to Cavehill

Haven't been to Cave Hill Cemetery for about a year. Well, driving around I spotted 2 new graves. I was mesmerized at how beautiful they are, but also had to walk away after taking a couple of pictures because they are so sad. The love those families felt and having children myself........ God. The first picture is of a girl named Samantha. Right in front of her monument they have a bench that is eye level with the girl on the swing. Her scarf draped around her neck. God love her heart is all I can say. Beautiful, beautiful momument, put together with such love.....


Her tiny precious feet.


The next monument was of a girl named Brittany. She was 17. She was killed in a car accident and was a missionary. Devoted to helping children. A picture of her was on her grave and you look up and to your right, a life sized replica of her. Absolutely beautiful and taking care of children. Totally heartbreaking.



To collect myself, I walked over to a bench. It overlooked a grave....Sitting right next to the bench was the guys puppy dog. His ball in tow.........The dog would always watch over him. :(

A new found appreciation today for life......Totally overwhelmed by love....A good lesson learned today. Such beauty built on such pain..
Happy Sunday
Love,
Di

Happy Sunday!!

Going out today :) YAY! and YAY! and YAY!!!!! :)
Didn't sleep really well last night. But it's okay, been oversleeping. My camera is in tow for todays adventures. It was SUPPOSED to be sunny mind you, but of course it rained. I'm going downtown for a mini tour LOL and then maybe to cave hill for some pics. I dunno where I will end up. But glad to be going out!
Anywhoooo I am off, if i take any good pics or anything interesting happens I'll post.
love,
Di

Howdy!!

You guys have got to check out my photo blog. 2 of the cutest dogs ever on there :) love love love them!! My photo blog I don't think I could ever live without a dog. So sweet. Been a long day. Cooked out at moms, visited with Johnny and angie some. Took guitar hero over there and lol everyone was playing. The boys are staying all night over there. Juans hollering at me to send him the skateboarding pics i took of him, for his Myspace of course.

Happy Saturday Ya'll!!
Love,
Di