Long Summer

Dear Father in heaven

Help.
I'm struggling again and falling.
I'm lost.
Driving today I saw tons of angels in the clouds
Your beauty never ceases to amaze me.

I'm sorry for all the times that I have gotten consumed in my
own self pity and busyness to not notice the beauty you place before me.

I'm so tired Papa. Sometimes I genuinely just NEED for someone to surprise me
with something nice and You do a million things and for whatever reason
it never seems to be good enough.

You give me so much and that always leaves me wanting more.
I'm sorry I screw up so much. I do appreciate everything you do for me
and I'm sorry for all the wrong I do.

I screw up again less than five minutes after asking for forgiveness.
Then you go and do something nice for me again.
I don't deserve any of the things that you give me. None.
Sometimes I just sit and wonder to myself why would you ever give me this much?

I understand it's because you love me, but in earthly settings where
everyone is so selfish, it doesn't make much sense. I'm so sorry that
I always want more and more and more and more and more and more.

I'm selfish in my prayers, I make them all about me and my children.
I often forget to take time to pray for others...but, it takes way too much time
that I don't have. How awful is that? It takes too long to pray for everyone that
needs it. I'm sorry.

I'd like to say that I try to make it right, but I do not.
When things do not go right, I feel like You are mad at me.
I know you are not.
When I say my prayers and say I'm sorry for things, sometimes I just say them
thinking that's what You want to hear. You know this already.

I am sorry. I think about the car you have given me, the house, the nice decorations surrounding me
but most of all I think about the best gift you gave me of Your son.
But do I? Sometimes it seems so unreal and when I see good people I can see how you
would send your son for them...But me? no.

I suck.

Help

I love you.

Me.

What a flipping winter

Well, this winter sucked. I haven't blogged at all...When do I have time?

I have entered into a season in my life of sheer frustration. I am actually sitting here crying right now b/c my insides are all turned about from frustration. I have been sick with the flu to start with and I'm not sure that can ever end well. Before the flu, I was frustrated.

I go through my list of things like I normally do....Elmer, no...Kids, no...mom or dad...no...lonely? no...I have no idea why this round of frustration.


The pressure is on all around. I don't want to have to live with my son my whole life because of not being able to be self-sufficient. I have the fear looming over my head all the time that dizziness could be back any second and as it did before it can take everything I have and destroy it into a million pieces once again.

Maybe that's it...Maybe it's having something over my head at all times....Looming around, hovering around and it can strike at any moment and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing.

Judging from the amount of tears I have right now, I'm guessing that's it. I prayed about it for years and I guess it's one of those things that God isn't going to answer, just get me through and I don't wanna just get through, I want it gone. I want guarantees that I can live my life like normal.

It's not fair that everything can be taken away and I'm trapped and stuck in this same place. It's like saying I'll never be any better than I am right now. I hate that fear, I hate always having something looming over me. I see an upping of my meds in the near future.

Take so much til I am numb and feel nothing.

Please pray for me, that I can find some way to deal with this crap. I miss the days of being afraid of thunderstorms.

GRRRR

Love,

A very

Me

Been a long, long, long time.

I haven't written in so long...July??? Good grief! Sad part is, is there's nothing to really update. Most people who read my blog are on Facebook and they know everything that goes on in my life.

My SAD is pretty severe this season. It rains and then rains some more and then rains yet some more. I'm so sick of rain.

God is still wonderful as ever.

I have really nothing else to write =)

Love

Me.

Psalm 23

I promised my friend Melody that I would come blog about my amazing dream last night. She said I should blog it to remember it and look back on it.

I have been taking Zoloft for almost a year and it blocks almost all my bad feelings. Every once in awhile they creep in, for the most part they stay gone. Alot of my feelings come out in dreams while I am asleep. I'm okay with that because at least I don't have to feel them.

Last night I had the most amazing dream of my life. When I thought of it this morning, I cried. When I drove home from the store I cried. God is so very good to me. He is amazing and I love Him with all of my heart and all of my soul.

In my dream I wasn't in a room or anything, I'm not quite sure where I was but I was alone. There were no colors, no furniture, nothing. I was crying and by crying I mean hysterically sobbing about loneliness. My soul felt so empty and alone and I felt the physcial pain of that.

Out of no where God spoke to me and put me on His lap. He was comforting my soul and speaking to me. I sobbed "Papa, I'm so lonely and it hurts so bad" and He said "It's all okay, it's going to be okay. It will be over soon and you will meet someone very soon"

He kept speaking to me and saying "It's all okay, it's going to be okay." Like waves washing upon the ocean, with every wave, the pain got less and less. I was on His lap and the pain was draining away.

It was the best dream of my life and my God, my Papa was with me. He was comforting my soul. All day long Psalm 23 has been in my head.

Psalm 23 King James Version (KJV)

23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.


I can't even type this without tears stinging my eyes. My heart feels so empty of pain and so full of love for Father.

You don't have any clue what this means to me. He restored my soul, He comforted me, He loved on me, His daughter. He showed me mercy and compassion, He showed me what real love is. His presence...Him just being there with me. He was with me and He showed me.

That pain is so real in my life and busyness hides it, medicine hides it but the pain is still there that I am lonely.

My cup does runneth over and my God is so good to me.

I love my Father.

Love,

Dianna

Spring is springing

Birds are singing and I CAN HEAR Them!!! Well, since I last posted I have moved into an apartment and my heart flutters with joy when I think about it. If I thanked God a million times for putting me here, it wouldn't be enough. You know that feeling that you get when you are in love, the butterflies? I get that here. When I look to my right out my window and see the view of the city.

When I go into my bedroom and take a look around I have to take a second to pause and thank God.

The goodness He has shown me is overwhelming at times. I am so thankful to Him after all that He continues to do for me and how much grace He continues to show me.

I have tears in my eyes when I think of the goodness shown to me.

Short and sweet and Oh so thankful.

Love,

Me

My First 2014 Post!!

Slacking a bit on my once a month posts! Things have been hectic here and things are going great. Set to move on February 8 and can I get a praise God on that one!!!!!!!!!!

I won't have to look at the Gobbler's ugly shed, junk piles, junk cars anymore. Won't have to hear him fighting or shooting anyone anymore. Won't have to smell the awful smells that come from over there, have all his drug deals park in my yard. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just want peace and quiet!

I can't complain right now, things are going great and life is going great.

Hope everyone has a wonderful 2014 and I'll catch you in February!

Love,

Me

Happy New Years

2013 has less than 6 hours left and I have really been contemplating this past year. I will say it was a huge year of personal growth for me, especially with my meds. God delivered me from so much emotional turmoil I was experiencing and now I feel as if I am who I really am.

Depression robbed so much of my life and I had no idea how severe it was, until now, when I'm out of it. Well, I'm not even sure if I'm out of it, but coming out of it. I like different things, I am discovering who I am. I am developing my strengths and letting go and accepting my weaknesses. Most importantly I am letting go of what's behind me and just going to enjoy what's ahead.

It's amazing to me the changes that have come my way.

I had a wonderful Christmas. Elmer made sure I had stuff to open under the tree and for once I had NO idea what any of it was. It was nice to feel like a child opening surprises. He truly spoiled me with gifts and it really did make my Christmas wonderful.

Troy enjoyed his second Christmas, Savannah and the boys enjoyed theirs.

My one word for this past year is growth and I hope that 2014 brings even more growth so I can develop into the woman God wants me to be.]

Have a wonderful New Year.

Much Love,

Me <3

Packing up and moving on

I started taking Zoloft back in August and I have had dream after dream about packing up all my stuff in my old houses and moving out. Sometimes it's the same house, sometimes it's a different house where I have lived. I see all my old stuff, I'm always in a hurry to pack it up because for whatever reason I have to quickly get out.

Last night again I have dreamed about my house on S. 6th street. I dream about there more than any other place. I loved that townhouse, I'm not sure why I revisit it so much. Last night I was going back because I left so much stuff there and I had one day to grab what I could. It's funny before Brett died he gave me this heart necklace the Christmas before he died. I for the life of me couldn't remember what it looked like. My first ex husband went into my room at my moms when I was at cosmetology school and stole my jewelry box. It had my necklace from Brett, our wedding rings we were to use when we got married. Had special jewelry in it....Well, he stole it and pawned every single bit of it and told me that I didn't need any of that garbage anymore.

Well last night when I was grabbing what I could, I saw the necklace, it was the exact necklace. I was so happy because I had forgotten what it looked like and it was so precious to see it. I also saw my grandmas old armoire that I had and blankets. I was grabbing the boys old toys for troy. It's funny because the toys I had seen in my dream were the toys I had to leave behind in Virginia the VERY last time my husband had hit me. I had to go and left so much behind. I saw the rocking horse and blankets I had left behind. I was grabbing anything I could to take for Troy. I saw my old blankets, socks, my old shoes.

They are the most bizarre dreams and I have them all the time. I wake up remembering every detail. Sometimes I move out of Tallow Lane, sometimes Washington street...most of the time it's 6th street.

I have no idea what it means. I have looked it up online and it says I'm packing up emotional baggage and healing. Maybe that is true. I like going back though and looking at my stuff. I loathe the rush to grab and get out and have to go so much in a hurry.

Even though the dreams aren't real, I find it amazing that somewhere hidden deep in my brain, it remembered every detail of that necklace. Every single detail.

I'm in awe over it and very grateful for the opportunity to see and hold it again. I can't understand how one part of me can forget and yet another part of me can remember so vividly.

Anyway, I love the dreams I have on my meds.

Merry Christmas.

Love,

Me

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving.

Have had a really nice day with family and friends.

Over ate.

Got asked out on a date.

Took a nice long drive.

Wrote a special email telling someone how much they mean to me.

They ignored it......@@

Fed my dogs turkey

Spent the whole day with my sweetie pie Savannah

Got to see my dad and mom both on the same holiday

Spent time with my heavenly Father

Very thankful for the people that took the time to tell me how much I mean to them.

I too am thankful for you also.

Life really is good when you focus on those who truly love you.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving.

Love,

Me

It's November!

I have set out to blog a few times, but nothing is really going on that is exciting to write about.

Things are the same in some ways and yet so different in others. I'm finding more out about myself, my limits, my likes and dislikes.....Most importantly, why I am the way I am.

I have had a lot of bad stuff happen to me and I am doing my best to just put it behind me and let it stay in the past. I will heal from it all and I'm slowly getting there.

God is really dealing with me on things that I can not control. Things I worry over, stress over, get sad over. Sometimes the thoughts creep up and I am gently asked "Is there anything you can do about it?" No....Being stressed, angry or sad over things I can't control is pointless. It's not going to stop it. Some days this is a little harder when I feel like I'm being tested and tried by people......I remember God is bigger.

God will take care of it and make things right in His time, not mine.

I'm very thankful for God and thankful that He is healing me the right way and that He took away the weight of my worries over a problem I had no control over.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving

Love,

Me

My October Post

On the side effects of my Zoloft, it didn't list the one about massive confusion that accompanies recovery.

The stomach ache goes away, the sleepiness goes away, headaches go away...The confusion thus far hasn't.

What was grey before is either black or white now and I've never had to make decisions based on black and white. Only grey, I suppose that's why I always stayed in the same rut.

I posted a couple months earlier that I couldn't cry, that side effect was now gone and while I don't cry as frequently, tears have been shed. When my heart is really broken, not even medicine can keep those tears away.

I started therapy again last month to help with the confusion and it's helping to some degree, but I'm not there yet.

Today I went to the Dr. and the store. Both used to be anxiety provoking situations and I breezed through them and enjoyed things around me. The no hurry aspect is nice.

I don't look at myself in the mirror much anymore and feel utter hate. I have worth and value and most of all I have a voice too. One that matters, one that has things to say that are important.

One day at a time, one moment at a time.

That's the best I can do and now I can do it with patience and God.

I prayed for things that I'm not strong enough for and I find myself being strong enough for them.

I'm getting used to my disappointment of people around me, never realzing how mentally ill some are and some of them just out right mean.

I was very shocked for awhile and didn't know if it was just me, but it's not.

No grey....Black or white.

All these things are good in some ways, just take some getting used too.

I'll be okay.

Yes.

Love,

Me

Been A lot Longer Than A Month!

I was going to try to update every month, real life creeps in and well, almost 2 months later.

Things are going really well. I lost a sweet friend to cancer which really threw my emotions all around but aside from that, things are going great.

I love my zoloft, the changes it has made for me are amazing. It was like I had on beer goggles and they came off and I'm like WHOA!

My mind is clear, focused and my mind is happy.

I had to start therapy again because I had a lot of shock seeing the way things really are vs how I thought they were when I was so depressed. I feel like it's going to take some time to get used to people again that are already in my life and accept them for who or what they are. That's been the biggest adjustment for me is people.

I don't have anything else to add except ......God is great, beer or water in my case is good and people are crazy!!!

I'm a rebel today, my headband says right or left and I switched it up and turned it around just to be different!

YAY for rebel!

Okay I have had a busy day and a very blessed day.

Til next month!!!

Me!

Medicine

Well, I have suffered from anxiety, depression and panic attacks for about 20 years. I have been terrified of taking meds for that 20 years. I reached probably my lowest low I have had in a long while. I couldn't take anymore stress, depression.....rejection. I was unable to cope. By the grace of God, He gave me the strength I needed to start taking the pills to get better.

I was terrified of side effects, but most of the side effects were the same of what I was already having from so much stress and anxiety. I decided I wanted a life for myself. I want to get out and do things and I want to go places and be someone.

I can't do it by myself. I needed help. The first few days I noticed a quiet come over my brain. No racing thoughts, no cloudy thinking. My thinking was very clear. It was enough of a push to get me through. I had some dry mouth and drowsiness, but kept pushing on.

I'm almost 2 weeks into it and I can't tell too much of a difference on some things, but in other areas I can. For starters I can't cry...For me this is a good thing. I feel numb and that's how I want to feel....or not feel.

I don't want to feel that pain that's constantly there. I'm hoping more than anything as I continue taking the meds that, that happens.

As I said above, my thinking is clearer which is really nice. It's like my brain is on vacation.

I also have an OCD thing with time.......I have to know how long something takes...What time it is.......What time it's over.

That is slacking off some. I'm not checking the time a lot. I did ask my hairdresser today how long my appointment would take LOL, I already know how long it takes, but I had to ask anyways. Time.......

So as a whole, so far so good.

I just really hope for no more pain inside. I have felt so much.

One thing that I have to share is that like with the diet, I know that is God because I can't diet without His help...The pills......That's God. I never in a million years would have taken those pills. NEVER. I never dreamed of a day that would come where I would have the courage to take them. It's Him. He's putting me on my path to take me where I'm supposed to be.

I was thrilled to know that He is working in my life.

I really hope and pray that I get who I am back quickly.

I am a lot happier and smile and laugh a lot now.

I'm ready.

Have a great week.

Love,

Me

It's almost August 3.

It's almost August 3. As always this time of year, I'm depressed. I miss him.

Started taking anti depressants because I'm to the point of not being able to cope with things. I'm lonely, I miss being touched.

I miss holding hands, I miss a lot.

I'm in a weird head space lately and just blah.

Pray for me.

Please.

Love,

Me

I Prayed for Something Different

Well, after years and years of praying for the same thing...Today I changed my prayer.

I never in a million years thought I would get to this point. I'm still in disbelief that I'm finally to this point.

My eyes opened. My hearts at peace with it.

I have prayed. He will answer.

He is faithful, He is good. I'm tired of fighting His will.

I'm ready.

Keeping praying for me please.

Pray hard.

Love,

Me

What is it with the Midnight Hour?

I have been getting so much better about accepting the choices I make, not crying over everything, dealing with things a little bit better...I'm not sure what's up with midnight, but last night I had a nice cry fest with God.

Have you ever just been really sorry for something? Like over the moon sorry? I was thinking back to years ago and an instance that happened with Kyle and man......I was just wrong. I'm not sure why that crept up on me, but I repented to God and just had a good cry. I wish I could forget that moment, but maybe I learned from it. Our marriage was horrible, we fought, we hurt each other. He was my people though and ugh, I don't know. I just feel bad for that moment, really bad.

Then it all rolled over to my dad and what a mess that is.......Then it rolled over to how God is my Father and how I'm forgiven and loved.

I wish life came with instructions.

Anyways...Enjoying my summer, swimming, eating, losing weight =) I walked this morning, then went swimming, felt so good. It was hot and I was sweating. I lost more weight and I'm looking really good. I'm feeling a lot better.

I will not fail this time because God has changed my heart where food is concerned.

He hasn't changed this chipmunks appetite who is looking me square in the eye on his hind legs begging me to come feed him.

Have a great week and see you again in a month!

<3

Me

It's Almost Midnight

I'm not sure if I'm tired or not.

For the past few weeks my spirit and soul are exhausted.

What do you do when what's inside of you, the part that is you, is tired?

You ever just sit and not know what to do? Wrong choices, bad choices...What if I choose wrong?

Some situations I'm in lately, it doesn't matter if I choose wrong because I'm not sure if one choice would feel any worse than the other.

What's that say?

There are roads all over my life to take, to not take.

I was discussing with family the other day about when I got better, what was different?

They knew immediately and I don't want to think that they are right, but they spoke the truth to me.

I just don't know what to do.

Psalm 6:6 NIV
New International Version

I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.

That's me......I'm worn out, not just my eyes from crying, my heart from no security.

I was listening to JM this morning, like I try to do every Monday all day......Listening to her talk about her years of abuse and how the best gift God ever gave her

was her husband who never waivers from who he is. He's stable, the same every day.

Someone who you know will wake up and be in the same mood every day, someone who says or does the same stuff with consistency.

I can't imagine someone in my life who is consistent. That's not just with men, but with anyone.

Consistent. Content.

Truthful. Honest.

Satisfied.

Truthful. Honest. Content. Satisfied.

Truthful. Honest. Content. Satisfied.

Truthful. Honest. Content. Satisfied.

Why does everything have to be so hard?

Well, the clocks about to strike 12

My coach turns into a pumpkin at midnight.

Nite.

Love,

Me

My Sweetest Oldest Friend

My heart is so heavy tonight...My best friend isn't doing so well. He's starting to lose bowel function and is going in the house every day now. He tried to get up tonight and couldn't. He couldn't get up the steps, now he can't go down the steps. He gets so short of breath and has tumors covering his body.

I want to tell him it's okay if he leaves me, that I'll be okay.....But, it won't be.

If he leaves this world, that's someone gone that I know that truly loves me. I have so few and well, losing him....He genuinely loves me, and I him.

When he got sick a couple of years ago, I remember standing out back at midnight looking up at the full moon and the stars twinkling in the sky. I begged God to give me a couple more years with him. God complied as He always does. I also asked God to never, ever put me in the position of having to have Opie put to sleep. To please let him die asleep, peacefully.

I couldn't take that guilt of not knowing if I did the right thing.

I don't want him to go.

I don't.

I got him after I moved out of shelter housing, Kyle and I first townhouse together. Kyle went and got him at the shelter, it was his last chance. He had been returned so many times. He ran off with Kyle's wallet and Kyle knew that was the dog I would want.

He came in and my heart instantly knew, that was *MY* dog. When I couldn't leave the house, he never left my side. He has raised my kids with me, kept me safe. Wagged his tail every time I have walked in the door.

He waits for me and I just don't know what I would do to not have him waiting for me anymore.

He'll have to wait with Jesus for me and my heart just can't take anymore break.

Pray for my sweet Opie, that his legs heal and that my Father take him in his sleep when it's his time.

Love,

Me

This week stinks

Sigh. I have had a few really annoying illnesses this past couple of weeks and I'm sad, frustrated and angry.

Chronic illness isn't any fun and it's really hard to get people to understand what you are going through.

It's funny because this morning I am struggling with dizziness again and I am pouring over my behavior as to what I have done now for God to punish me.

It's not a punishment, things just are.

I think about the thug next door, who is a seedy, evil spawn......Why isn't he dizzy? Mean people around me, why aren't they dizzy?

It all boils down to the "Why Me's?"

I have to keep telling myself that I am not being punished. God knew what He was getting when He chose me. This will pass.

I don't know what I can do to make things better. An air filter?? I tried that before, but the filters were almost as much as the air filter. I take allergy meds.......Maybe I should take them in the morning and the night?

I just want to be healthy. Have a healthy head and respiratory system....No inhalers, no pills. Have a healthy stomach, anything I put in my mouth makes me sick.

My appointment at the ENT is at 2 to have the epley manuever done. It doesn't take long, but the fear it produces while someone is holding your head down.......I just don't want to do it. I have to.

Fear stinks.

Have a great Wednesday.

Love,

Me

2 of my window critters =D

I need to catch the birdies, but I have gotten lucky catching these 2 so far =)

Love,

Me