Big game of tug o war

Haven't blogged too awful much lately. My aunt suggested I journal my really dry spell and my struggles as of late.

I didn't even really feel like doing that. Dry spell wasn't even the word, it was just void.

Sometimes I feel that God let me go back to everything I was missing to show me...."This is what you were missing." With fresh eyes I think "How on earth could I miss this?"

My life feels like a huge game of tug o war in a few different directions. Not a real good feeling.

I've been a little closer to God lately and never realized or understood til now what a wonderful gift His grace truly is.

I'm humbled beyond words at the grace He gives to me over and over. I totally haven't deserved any of it lately and He gives it.

I prayed for Him to show me which way to go as I struggle with switching churches and what I'm doing and unbelievable stuff just happens over and over again.

My dry spell ended Sunday. I really was just at an all low point and really on the verge of quitting it all and completely reverting back to a life that I didn't enjoy. Lets just say there's a girl I didn't think liked me etc. I don't really know how to put it other than I knew God one day would use her in my life. I was going to communion on Sunday and pass her and she grabs me, hugs me and tells me she misses me at group.

I was in shock, but that was the start....A card at work from a lady telling me how much I'm appreciated. People calling up there to see if I'm there so they can come in. People telling me that I make all the difference at work. A guy today bringing me in a stack of postcards because he wanted to show me every single place he visited while he was on vacation.

I just sit back and think...."People actually think about me outside of work?" They do.

I don't know the answer, I know I will still fail over and over...But I'm understanding so much right now that it's times like this when God is showing me not only His mercy, but so much of His grace.

I totally love Him so much and just wish I had easy answers for everything going on. I think that's His point though. He's showing me there really are no answers.

I try to fix everything and run my life the way I think it should go and I fail epically all over. When I try to do this, I'm going to fail.

Yesterday I was filled with so much joy. A joy and a peace that could only come from God. My hope is in Christ, not in anything else.

I really didn't enjoy my old life and He's helping me see how much I enjoy the one He gave me.

There's so much out there waiting for me. People who want to be with me. I don't have to force it or wish for it because it's true. I'm wanted =) and that's a wonderful feeling to have.

I repeat to myself all day long, my hope is in Christ.

Have a wonderful day =)

Love,

Me

It's Friday!!

I finally got some much needed time off!!

Wanted to work out in my garden today, but I have an angry bird that's about to drive me to drinkin. At first I thought it was cute and sweet and now it's just annoying. It's a mother and a father bird, she made a nest on my front porch. Grumble and that's all I have to say about that.

Not too much else going on, still losing a lot of weight and exercising 5 to 6 days a week.

My stress is starting to dwindle some. I have been trying to weed out things and situations that cause me the most stress. It seems to be helping a little.

Other than that, nothing but working and exercising....then the fighting off angry birds when I leave my house.

Have a great 4th of July weekend and be safe =D

Love,

Me

Off today YAY!!

Enjoying the heck out of my off day =)

Reading back over some of my old posts and again a stopping point to see how much I have grown. Thank God!! =) Little changes over time.

I'm at such a point in my life right now where I'm happy to not hate myself so much.

I deserve good things. I deserve the best that life has to offer and I'm not stopping to settle for crap anymore =)

My confidence is rising at a slow rate and I'm seeing truly what I deserve.

I deserve so much better than I get
I believe it =D


What the heck took so long?

It's awful being at the bottom of a pit believing that it is what I deserve.

I know good things are coming my way =)
I know good things are coming my way =)
I know good things are coming my way =)

I can't tell you how happy I feel, just to know that.

A guy stopped by my desk yesterday. Such a wonderful, wonderful fella. We talk all the time and about everything and as he was walking out the door yesterday he hollered back in "Don't you dare settle for less than you deserve and if you wanna know what it is that you deserve, I'll show you!"

I'm a cute girl. I have a big heart and a great personality and as he told me "Whoever lands me will be the luckiest man alive."

=)

He will be =)

Okay I'm taking my happy self out to enjoy my off day =)

Love,

Me

Getting to the root of the problem

As you can tell from my last few posts, I haven't had a clue where all the garbage in my head and heart have been coming from.

I think about it, I analyze it...Nothing makes any sense and I find myself overly frustrated.

Today before work I was laying in the tub and started crying. It makes me sad that I have reached a total point of not caring about anything. I don't want to be to that point where I literally don't care.

I have been trying like hell to figure out what's wrong with me.

I am in a spiritual dry period. I pray every night, but haven't been spending much time with God. I go to read my bible and think to myself "I just don't want to" I'm unhappy at church and haven't been feeling very "Godly" towards it on any level.

I asked God to show me what was wrong, please and He led me to :

Jeremiah 29:13
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

This morning I got up and didn't go weigh in, I just laid in bed for a bit and thought about how to do this. Did lots of thinking about how much I loathe who I have become lately.

I talked to God for awhile and hoppped in my car to go to spin class and put my Joyce Meyer CD in about negative attitude.

Funnily enough I had no idea what was on the CD, I just grabbed it and left. God finally led me to what was wrong in my heart. I spend more time complaining lately than I do being thankful for everything that I have.

I complain about my eyes, but I wasn't thankful that I can see. I complain that my ears are messed up and I'm dizzy, but I'm not thankful that I can hear. I complain that my teeth hurt, but I'm not thankful I have a mouth to praise God with and talk.

The list goes on and on of stuff I have been complaining about and I have been at peace ever since I confessed my un-thankful heart and have been taking more time to stop, pause and think before I start to complain.

Hopefully I'll get my heart back to the right place. A good sign is that I think about what's wrong with me and it shows me that I do care. I'm not there caring about everything, but I most importantly care about right standing with God.

Made possible by Jesus of course =)

I love Him =)

Thinking about trying a new church more with-in my age range. A lot of people from my work go there and tell me it's wonderful. I have some more thinking to do and we shall see!

Have a great weekend! See you next Saturday!

Love,

Me

It's Saturday =)

Waiting for floors to dry and thought I'd bop in to blog.

Feeling much of the same way I did Monday. Had a bit of a breather today and really had time to think about things I want.

Had time to think about things that are best for me.

I've set some goals today and thought about things that are bad for me and things that take a lot of energy out of me.

They need to go. How or what that looks like... I don't know, but I know enough to know I don't want it anymore.

Some good notes =D

On a wonderful note I lost 3 lbs this week =) Switched it up from my usual 2.2 =)

I can't wait for tomorrow =D I'm really, really excited.

I'm happy my heart doesn't hurt anymore and that those feelings are over. =D

I have had a really, really good day today =)

Off to enjoy the rest of it. Waiting on a phone call and may be going on a date =)

Pressing on, pressing forward

and leaving the past where it needs to be.

Behind me =)

Love,

Dianna

Went to bloggety blog

For a few days now and I just didn't feel like writing. God is changing me slowly. I look back at who I was last year and who I am this year. That girl doesn't exist much anymore.

I find myself in the throes of frustration lately. Today I think it came to a head....I cursed, got upset and really lost it for a few minutes.

I felt a bit of the past coming back when I was like that, but I don't listen to God and of course I back slide right into messes I want no part of.

He changed my heart again and ugh....Stuff I thought would never happen, feelings I thought I would never lose, gone. The more time that passes, the more the feelings fade.

Do I want the feelings out of habit or because they were real? I'm thinking out of habit.

I just don't know what God is doing in any area of my life and I'm so very frustrated. Everything is changing and I don't even really make time for Him anymore.

Parts of me think He's trying to show me where I didn't listen, the wisdom as to why. Except this time with each inch of wisdom goes a ton of feelings.

Gone...Poof...Gone.

There's nothing I can do. I know the feelings leaving are for the best and as days pass I get the wisdom I so badly prayed for.

Sometimes it's very sad.

I find myself not wanting to believe things about people...Thinking, oh that's not the case.

Time later finding out, it is the case.

One thing I am excited about is what God has for my future. He's doing things His way, the right way.

Going to try to sleep. Got a lot of praying to do to clean up the mess I made today...Guess I didn't listen in church that Jesus already cleaned up my messes. Because of Him, I am forgiven.

Jesus sure does rock =)

Pray for me.

Love,

Dianna

Busy Days

Life/Work have been non-stop busy. Passing 30 minutes idly by...Waiting for spin class to start.

Things have been wonderful, but some changes have rolled around I'm still unsure how to handle.

I guess I don't really need to know how to handle them. I think God is taking me where He wants me to go, not where I wanted to stay.

In all honesty, I'm ready for the new. 100% ready =)

I wish I had some energy for class. I sit here after an 8 hour non-stop day...I can't remember which way is up. I didn't sleep well...Did I mention work was busy? Hope it's not indicative of the summer approaching.

Anyways Life is wonderful right now.

Missing blogging, but keep emailing me.

Love,

Dianna

Nightfall

You know on days like today I am saddened when nightfall comes. You ever have such a good day that you don't want it to end?

That was today. Nothing special happened so to speak, it was just the people I was with and the peace I felt today. Just so nice.

Not to mention I was blessed with a wonderful gift of the best home-made gluten free chicken n dumplins I have ever tasted in my life!! Words can't describe how good they were.

I'm sunburned, I'm in a food coma despite losing my usual 2.2 lbs this week and I'm happier than I have been in a very long time =)

Funny sometimes I wish nightfall would hurry and come so I can get the day overwith....Not today.

=D Life truly is wonderful sometimes.

Have a great Memorial Day

Love,

Di

Wed Nes Day

Truth hurts. Whether it comes from God who knows true hearts or if it comes from friends who can see what you don't.

"Truth shall set you free" I hear....Maybe so.

I wait for acceptance I'm never going to get. Never.

Truth.

I don't hurt inside though. I miss the peace I used to feel.

What the hell is wrong with me? Really?

I don't need people to tell me the truth. Trust me I know it.

Well, Juans out of the shower, time for mine.

Expecting a tornado outbreak tonight....Big suprise there.

I miss my sunshine.

Have a great Wed Nes Day

=D

Love,

Moi

Some days

I get tired.

Some days I don't have the strength to deal with pure crap like I do on other days.

I'm just tired and tired of exhausting resources to things that are stagnant.

My head hurts. Did I mention I'm tired?

Wish people would grow up.

Love,

Me

It's Sunday =)

The week started out a bit rough, but has ended so sweetly =D

Busy most of the week. Angel and I did I think 5 or 6 spin classes, I exercised on top of that. Yesterday I was sore to say the least, but it was all good.

Had a long talk with a good friend who set me straight on a lot of things currently going on in my life. They always tell me the absolute truth, it sinks in, I see it.

I think sometimes I like to step inside a fantasy world and mold things to make them appear the way I want them to. In reality they are nothing of the sort.

Thank God for good friends =D

Been spending lots of time talking to God lately. He was absent for so long and finally came back. I don't think He was absent as much as I think I was.

Life without Him is nothing but confusion, life with Him is peace. =)

Getting ready to head to church. Had a real busy day yesterday, but it was so wonderful =)

I got me a new iphone, so that's really cool =D I LOVE it =)

Did some late night gardening.

Life is sweetly good sometimes =)

Love,

Me

Am I walking around w/ a furrowed brow or something?

Every single person I have come in contact w/ lately tells me how unhappy I look and how I act unhappy.

I walk in work yesterday and the first thing Cindy says is "I miss the way you used to be, I don't like you like this"

Everyone and their mother I come across say the same thing. I took a pic of myself and my brows aren't furrowed......I'm not getting it.

Maybe it's just the constant confusion I live under. I dunno. =(

I wish I was as happy as I was ,but I just don't feel it. I dunno =( Sorry and I'll try to get back to where I was once I figure it out.

Love,

Me

Lil Update

I went and deleted the posts I made in private. Was good to let my feelings out I suppose.

Real confused lately, does that suprise anyone? I think that's what my point was of going private. I can't really say how I really feel about things and I don't want to feel like I'm whining.

I'm to the point where I don't know how to feel. God is giving me lots of wisdom and I see clearly what huge mistakes I am making. I'm just not sure if I have the strength to start to change them or the will to want to. I do what I can, He will do what I can't.

I don't know what happened to me. My wants have changed greatly. I used to wish and pray for situations to work out and now I just want them to go away. I'm tired of acting like I care, when I do not. Then a cycle of guilt occurs, because I don't care. I try to make myself like people I do not like, then again guilt. It's like my feelings were shut off and there was nothing leading up to it. Just gone.

Tried explaining that to a few people this morning and I can't explain it. It's just where there was something, void.

Like Voldemort when he sucks the life out of everything. The unicorns, the people. He sucks it all out to keep his own life. That's how I feel. Empty.

Sorry my update wasn't better. 3 short months ago I was on top of the world and now I feel as if I'm on the very bottom.

Abba Father!

Love,

Dianna

Good bye for now =)

Saying good bye to blogging and going private. I have a lot I need to work out and I need to do it in private.

Maybe one day I'll make public again, but for now

Thanks =)

~di

Been Such A Long TIme

Good grief, I have worked my butt off this week. I'm just laying in my bed spending some time on the net =)

Things are going really well, same as before.

The date thing....Well, I told the guy I would go out with him... I told him to pick the place. Typical guy he picked a cabin in the woods for the weekend....I was like "Um, I told you I would go on a date with you, not go to a cabin with you."

He got upset with me. @@ This is me not caring that he is upset with me. C'mon...Seriously?

Talking to a new fella....We shall see how that pans out. I have no expectations going into it.

Hmmmmm....What else. Savannahs 9th birthday was today =D YAY!!

Got my first ever new car YAY =)

Lost my normal, on schedul 2.2 lbs this week.

Looking forward to next week, having a bit of free time and spending some much needed time with God.

I miss that time with my Papa =D

My flowers are all coming up and I can't use my camera =( ...

That's really about all the update I have for now. I'm sooooooooo tired, I can't hardly keep my eyes open.

Going to bed and gonna have some sweet, sweet dreams!

<3

~me

Blogging now, b/c next week I'm swamped

Today was wonderful and this evening just a slide...I'm exhausted. I'm sick of self-asorbed people...

Take, take, take but you never give...

That about sums up my evening.

I'm not really sure what to do. I am so confused. Tired of one sided friendships where I have to listen to them all the time.

I have to work 10 hr days all week. Monday - Friday...

I have really nothing to say....I can't think of anything nice so I'll restrict my comments to the weather.

Today was beautiful. Went bike riding, walked....

The end.

Selfish people stink.

The real end.

~Me

Moving On....

Well, giving it a try at least.

This dating thing has really been pressing on me lately hard. It's like I want a relationship so bad at points and then I turn and run like a scared dog from it.

I have been on dates and talk to people....But one guy kinda gave me the run down of how I am running away from him and anyone else.

I was aggravated at first because I didn't want to believe I did that. I always said "I'm entirely too busy." I even try to drill that into my own head that I am too busy for a relationship.

So while we were talking I realized, maybe I wasn't trying to convince him. Maybe I was trying to convince myself. He's such a nice guy and in the back of my head I think "What am I doing?" I have even used "God hasn't put him on my heart." All to keep people at a safe distance to keep from being hurt.

I'm putting my hope in people and not Christ. ugh.

This has been bugging me for awhile now and ever since him and I had the conversation I have leaned towards how right he is and how wrong I am.

I felt bad because he said "I'm not going to sit around and wait forever for you Dianna."

What if my complacency leads to me living my life alone?

I was so stressed out last night over all this. My therapist thinks I'm making excuses too.

He's just such a nice, nice guy. UGH.

Does this all boil down to my fear of viewing myself as un-loveable?

Lord God, help me not only to fully accept how much you love me, but help me to abide in Your love! (John 15:9)

If I truly believed how much God loved me, I would be confident in other relationships.

I've never wanted money, never wanted material things. All I have ever wanted in all my years of life was too be loved and yet I can't accept it from anyone.

Help my unbelief oh Lord.

Pray for me that I quit being so complacent and take that step.

Love,

~me

Spring Has Sprung =)

I checked my clematis tonight after seeing my brothers growing back and mine are growing back too!! I had more than my brother!! I took a pic, but the printer won't let me view the card reader. Grumble. It's a beautiful sight!

Things have been going well here. I had a stomach something for a few days and I feel a lot better.

Today was the close of Redemption Group and so much stuff flooded my mind. God has brought me so far and I open doors He closed for me. I'm now plagued with regret opening them.

I honestly don't know what to do. I am the queen of getting myself into huge messes. Why can't people just behave and grow up? That's one question I ask God over and over....Why can't people just act the way they are supposed to.

I forget we live in a fallen world. Like that would be so easy to forget. 2 minutes of any news cast will remind one of that.

You know one thing Redemption Group taught me is that people really do change. I changed. But the thing is....God has to change them and they have to invite God in their life to do so.

On our last RG we talked about fruits of the spirit, that's how you can tell if someone has changed. What fruit do they bear?

I just wish I had a magic wand to wave and fix everything. Undo what I did. I didn't miss the frustration at all......I just have to pray to God to change my heart. Put at least like where there is dis-like.

I dunno...........Enough about that whole mess, my flowers are growing back!!

=D

Seeing all the work today done in my Godly families life was overwhelming. God truly is amazing.

He sure did help me out last night when I kept having nightmares. Prince of Peace indeed =).

Enough rambling for now, Happy Spring =)

A guy at work said he would fix my old puter....I think I'm gonna take him up on that. I can't stand not using my camera!

Happy Sunday

Love,

~me

Howdy =)

Hi!!

Just stopping by to check in!! I am so loving my job =D

I absolutely love it!!

All the people are wonderful and I laugh almost all day. Sometimes I leave and my face hurts from laughing and smiling so much.

Everyone keeps waiting for me to despies it.....But like with anything in life, it's what you make it.

Where I came from, what God brought me too.... I am just happy to be working.

So much joy lately =D

<3

Tomorrow it's supposed to be 70 YAY!! =D

Have a fantastic week =D

Love,

Me

Happy Saturday!

I have 3 days off in a row...not sure what to do with myself =)

I have a bit of a head cold or allergies. But....things are going really well!

I love my job VERY much =)

Spring is almost here, this weekend we spring forward =)

That means I can get out in my yard again. I have to figure out a way to get my computer fixed, so I can use my camera. I am totally missing taking pics.

Going to the movies today YAY!! I haven't been out in a long time, so I am going to enjoy it.

I'll give a better update later. Gotta get ready for today =)

Hope everyone is well.

Love,

Di