So...

Yea, so I have a son with problems. Anxiety, panic, mood swings, severe depression. He has had a fear of school since kindergarten. Every year a constant battle to get him to go. He has been in the hospital, on meds.

People tend to blame me for this, saying I'm not an effective parent because I can't force him to go. That I'm just letting him get away with it.

I wish people would just either spend a day with a child who has a mental illness or shut up.

No one listens to me. Ever. Everyone just thinks they know best, when in reality I have been doing this for 15 years, I know exactly what I'm doing. I know what makes it better, I know what makes it worse.

I also know that I'm tired.

About a month ago, he retreated to his bed and wouldn't get up for 4 days unless it was to curse me out, pee or eat. This time since Wednesday of last week he hasn't been to school. They put him on all new meds which made him worse and then they tell me there's nothing they can do. He's angry at me and taking it all out on me. Suprise there, I'm everyones freaking punching bag.

I honestly don't know if I can go on. I keep looking for God in all of this and I can't find Him. It's one of those times where I am trying and trying with any strength I have to hold onto faith.

I can't express to you in words how exhausted I am. I'm tired of taking the brunt of his anger, I'm tired of everyone thinking they know better and they don't have a clue what I have been through or what he's going through.

He's not a brat, he's sick.

God, where are you? Why can't I see you in any of this? What did I do so wrong to deserve this for so many years? What good can come from this? I know I don't deserve help, but you promise that anything asked in your sons name shall be given.

I ask for help and You promise it. Where is it?

Pray please, I honestly could just throw myself on the floor and not get up. I'm that tired.

I don't wanna do this anymore.

~Di