I'll Fly Away

I listened to that song a few times today.

Some glad morning when this life is o'er,
I'll fly away;
To a home on God's celestial shore,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

Chorus
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

When the shadows of this life have gone,
I'll fly away;
Like a bird from prison bars has flown,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away)

Chorus
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away;
To a land where joy shall never end,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away)

Chorus
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

I can't wait to fly away from here. I want out so bad and God has stripped me of everything and is forcing me to deal with everything right at this moment.

Like a volcano I was being pressed and pressed to unload everything I hold inside. I was/am angry at ever being put in the position to do so. I'm angry at the response I got, I'm angry at the treatment I am getting.

I have been in bed for almost a full 7 days now. I get up and shower, I did take my daughter to school. I just lay in bed. Sometimes watching TV sometimes not.

My heart is broken into a million pieces and there is a storm going on all around me and I'm in such a numb emotional state I don't know what to do.

I thought about going to a hospital a few times, but for what? They don't see you for non stop crying. I've been embarrassed and humiliated enough, I don't need anymore.

I looked in the mirror for the first time in awhile today. I recognize the blue eyes, but the over all sadness that has invaded me like a virus from hell, I don't know.

Meet w/ my counselor on Monday, then a new counselor on Wednesday. I don't want to go to either, because frankly I'm tired of talking about it.

Beeing dealing w/ this crap for 9 years now and I don't want to talk about it anymore.

I'm tired and I'm alone in the most difficult time in my life.

I am running behind Jesus holding on to the very, very, very thread of his robe....Having faith, weak faith, but faith none the less and knowing that since He brought me to it He will bring me through it.

I am ready for my crown of beauty for my ashes.

I'm ready to fly away.

Trade my iron shackles in for freedom.

I want to go home.

Love,

Me

Finally, a break through!

God has been calling me back slowly and surely. At first I was resisting in my anger at Him and who knows what else.

I started slowly a few weeks ago, listening to some of my shows and CDs again. Last week, I opened my bible study and did it. Reciting scripture to myself when I'm anxious or sad.

I haven't had a word from God in so long. This morning I was in my car and I was crying having a really bad morning. I plugged in my Ipod and turned on my favorite song I hadn't listened to in months "May your power rest on me"

Tears flowed down my face, not from sadness, but because I FELT God again. It washed over me and my heart was at instant peace. I wish I could explain those moments, but I can't. I just know the Holy Spirit was on me and my tears were wiped away.

Last night we were watching a show and there was a part where they were worshipping and I can't tell you how beautiful that is to me. Seeing someone get saved. Watching God take the blinders off someone. There's nothing more beautiful in life.

I was on my way to the therapist and thought it was going to be a big crying session. I walked in and he said "Well, look who's back to their old self" I couldn't stop smiling and the joy was back in my heart.

One thing I have learned in this time is how much I miss God. He's so fantastic and I have learned so much about His grace in this time.

I have leaned on His grace and I have been such a bone head.

I am so in love with God. I know I'm not back where I should be, but man do I love Him.

I felt in my heart today and was reassured by Him, "Everythings gonna be alright!"

Man, I missed Him.

Love,

Me

Ah, A new month!

It's March, my winter depression should be coming to a close. Thank God!!

I hit my rock bottom last week, had to be honest w/ my therapist about what I was doing. What I almost did. It was very hard and I was ashamed of myself.

I woke up at that point I believe. I had lost all hope in my life. It seemed there was no way out of anything, but to go through it and...well... I didn't want to go through it.

He gave me a lot of hope yesterday. But most of all, I got a lot of hope from Jesus. Seeing my sweet Saviors face when he was carrying the cross. Knowing that I won't be punished for the things I have done, knowing that those things have their own consequences. A lot which I am facing right now.

I did my sleep study and lately I just can't sleep. I am not even sure if they were able to get any readings because I'm not sure I slept deep enough. Lately, it seems as if I don't.

I have a few friends and we have been discussing things ALL day long. All of us together, back, forth, back, forth.....Just chatting the day away.

I absolutely love those girls. They have kept me sane this past few weeks when things have been so hard.

Wish we all lived closer.

Opie is feeling a lot better, finally off the steroids that made him act so wonky.

Off to go walking and spend some much needed time with God. I don't know what I did, but I sure messed things up good w/ Him. But, that's why there's Jesus....I'm forgiven.

Love to all.

Me