I listened to that song a few times today.
Some glad morning when this life is o'er,
I'll fly away;
To a home on God's celestial shore,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).
Chorus
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).
When the shadows of this life have gone,
I'll fly away;
Like a bird from prison bars has flown,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away)
Chorus
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).
Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away;
To a land where joy shall never end,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away)
Chorus
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).
I can't wait to fly away from here. I want out so bad and God has stripped me of everything and is forcing me to deal with everything right at this moment.
Like a volcano I was being pressed and pressed to unload everything I hold inside. I was/am angry at ever being put in the position to do so. I'm angry at the response I got, I'm angry at the treatment I am getting.
I have been in bed for almost a full 7 days now. I get up and shower, I did take my daughter to school. I just lay in bed. Sometimes watching TV sometimes not.
My heart is broken into a million pieces and there is a storm going on all around me and I'm in such a numb emotional state I don't know what to do.
I thought about going to a hospital a few times, but for what? They don't see you for non stop crying. I've been embarrassed and humiliated enough, I don't need anymore.
I looked in the mirror for the first time in awhile today. I recognize the blue eyes, but the over all sadness that has invaded me like a virus from hell, I don't know.
Meet w/ my counselor on Monday, then a new counselor on Wednesday. I don't want to go to either, because frankly I'm tired of talking about it.
Beeing dealing w/ this crap for 9 years now and I don't want to talk about it anymore.
I'm tired and I'm alone in the most difficult time in my life.
I am running behind Jesus holding on to the very, very, very thread of his robe....Having faith, weak faith, but faith none the less and knowing that since He brought me to it He will bring me through it.
I am ready for my crown of beauty for my ashes.
I'm ready to fly away.
Trade my iron shackles in for freedom.
I want to go home.
Love,
Me
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
Finally, a break through!
God has been calling me back slowly and surely. At first I was resisting in my anger at Him and who knows what else.
I started slowly a few weeks ago, listening to some of my shows and CDs again. Last week, I opened my bible study and did it. Reciting scripture to myself when I'm anxious or sad.
I haven't had a word from God in so long. This morning I was in my car and I was crying having a really bad morning. I plugged in my Ipod and turned on my favorite song I hadn't listened to in months "May your power rest on me"
Tears flowed down my face, not from sadness, but because I FELT God again. It washed over me and my heart was at instant peace. I wish I could explain those moments, but I can't. I just know the Holy Spirit was on me and my tears were wiped away.
Last night we were watching a show and there was a part where they were worshipping and I can't tell you how beautiful that is to me. Seeing someone get saved. Watching God take the blinders off someone. There's nothing more beautiful in life.
I was on my way to the therapist and thought it was going to be a big crying session. I walked in and he said "Well, look who's back to their old self" I couldn't stop smiling and the joy was back in my heart.
One thing I have learned in this time is how much I miss God. He's so fantastic and I have learned so much about His grace in this time.
I have leaned on His grace and I have been such a bone head.
I am so in love with God. I know I'm not back where I should be, but man do I love Him.
I felt in my heart today and was reassured by Him, "Everythings gonna be alright!"
Man, I missed Him.
Love,
Me
I started slowly a few weeks ago, listening to some of my shows and CDs again. Last week, I opened my bible study and did it. Reciting scripture to myself when I'm anxious or sad.
I haven't had a word from God in so long. This morning I was in my car and I was crying having a really bad morning. I plugged in my Ipod and turned on my favorite song I hadn't listened to in months "May your power rest on me"
Tears flowed down my face, not from sadness, but because I FELT God again. It washed over me and my heart was at instant peace. I wish I could explain those moments, but I can't. I just know the Holy Spirit was on me and my tears were wiped away.
Last night we were watching a show and there was a part where they were worshipping and I can't tell you how beautiful that is to me. Seeing someone get saved. Watching God take the blinders off someone. There's nothing more beautiful in life.
I was on my way to the therapist and thought it was going to be a big crying session. I walked in and he said "Well, look who's back to their old self" I couldn't stop smiling and the joy was back in my heart.
One thing I have learned in this time is how much I miss God. He's so fantastic and I have learned so much about His grace in this time.
I have leaned on His grace and I have been such a bone head.
I am so in love with God. I know I'm not back where I should be, but man do I love Him.
I felt in my heart today and was reassured by Him, "Everythings gonna be alright!"
Man, I missed Him.
Love,
Me
Tuesday, March 06, 2012
Ah, A new month!
It's March, my winter depression should be coming to a close. Thank God!!
I hit my rock bottom last week, had to be honest w/ my therapist about what I was doing. What I almost did. It was very hard and I was ashamed of myself.
I woke up at that point I believe. I had lost all hope in my life. It seemed there was no way out of anything, but to go through it and...well... I didn't want to go through it.
He gave me a lot of hope yesterday. But most of all, I got a lot of hope from Jesus. Seeing my sweet Saviors face when he was carrying the cross. Knowing that I won't be punished for the things I have done, knowing that those things have their own consequences. A lot which I am facing right now.
I did my sleep study and lately I just can't sleep. I am not even sure if they were able to get any readings because I'm not sure I slept deep enough. Lately, it seems as if I don't.
I have a few friends and we have been discussing things ALL day long. All of us together, back, forth, back, forth.....Just chatting the day away.
I absolutely love those girls. They have kept me sane this past few weeks when things have been so hard.
Wish we all lived closer.
Opie is feeling a lot better, finally off the steroids that made him act so wonky.
Off to go walking and spend some much needed time with God. I don't know what I did, but I sure messed things up good w/ Him. But, that's why there's Jesus....I'm forgiven.
Love to all.
Me
I hit my rock bottom last week, had to be honest w/ my therapist about what I was doing. What I almost did. It was very hard and I was ashamed of myself.
I woke up at that point I believe. I had lost all hope in my life. It seemed there was no way out of anything, but to go through it and...well... I didn't want to go through it.
He gave me a lot of hope yesterday. But most of all, I got a lot of hope from Jesus. Seeing my sweet Saviors face when he was carrying the cross. Knowing that I won't be punished for the things I have done, knowing that those things have their own consequences. A lot which I am facing right now.
I did my sleep study and lately I just can't sleep. I am not even sure if they were able to get any readings because I'm not sure I slept deep enough. Lately, it seems as if I don't.
I have a few friends and we have been discussing things ALL day long. All of us together, back, forth, back, forth.....Just chatting the day away.
I absolutely love those girls. They have kept me sane this past few weeks when things have been so hard.
Wish we all lived closer.
Opie is feeling a lot better, finally off the steroids that made him act so wonky.
Off to go walking and spend some much needed time with God. I don't know what I did, but I sure messed things up good w/ Him. But, that's why there's Jesus....I'm forgiven.
Love to all.
Me
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Dinner for one
I'm down in the dumps. I got dizzy at the dentist, then at the store.
I cried all the way home and now sit crying.
I fought this thing for almost 7 months now and I have no fight left in me.
None.
I don't know what's going on, I don't know why it's happening. I have been trying to get closer with God and just to let Him fix it. I keep hanging on knowing He WILL fix it.
Was so sad over the weekend. Was alone. I wish I had someone to sit at my table with me and eat dinner. It was nice when Elmer was here, because he always sat with me and ate at the table with me.
I fought Kyle for a year to not feed Savannah dinner before she came over. I would cook all these things and she would always have eaten at his moms. I begged, pleaded, but it never changed anything.
I wish he knew how it felt to just want to sit down and eat with someone and have it taken from you. Everything, even simple things like having dinner with your daughter is a fight.
My weight is a fight. Being alone is a fight. Dizziness is a fight. Even trying to talk to my dad was a fight. Video games where I used to escape anymore is a fight and arguing. I want peace somewhere and there's not any.
There's just more fighting at every single turn. It's slowly killing me. I literally just want to lay in bed anymore and do nothing because it's the only place I'm not dizzy.
I gave up on my dreams. Someone over the weekend told me I wasn't a hairdresser...I haven't been for awhile. I remember when I was a really good hairdresser. I had clients out the wazoo. I loved my job, I was good at it. I was artistic and amazing at it. A disability took it away. It took everything away. Just like dizziness took away the gym.
The thief comes only to kill steal and destroy. Well dizziness and anxiety are theives.
They say what others have taken, God can give you back. Why doesn't God give me back double for my trouble? Why do I still suffer?
Me n Elmer are watching Friday Night Fights and there's a boy on there who had a whole football career. He was a football player, but his back got broken, he became paralyzed and now he will never play football again.
Does that make him any less of a football player? Or now is he nothing because disability took it away.
I pushed Elmer away all weekend because I just wonder how he can ever love me when I'm so screwed up.
How can he love someone I hate? There in lies the problem.
Pray for me.
Please.
Dianna
I cried all the way home and now sit crying.
I fought this thing for almost 7 months now and I have no fight left in me.
None.
I don't know what's going on, I don't know why it's happening. I have been trying to get closer with God and just to let Him fix it. I keep hanging on knowing He WILL fix it.
Was so sad over the weekend. Was alone. I wish I had someone to sit at my table with me and eat dinner. It was nice when Elmer was here, because he always sat with me and ate at the table with me.
I fought Kyle for a year to not feed Savannah dinner before she came over. I would cook all these things and she would always have eaten at his moms. I begged, pleaded, but it never changed anything.
I wish he knew how it felt to just want to sit down and eat with someone and have it taken from you. Everything, even simple things like having dinner with your daughter is a fight.
My weight is a fight. Being alone is a fight. Dizziness is a fight. Even trying to talk to my dad was a fight. Video games where I used to escape anymore is a fight and arguing. I want peace somewhere and there's not any.
There's just more fighting at every single turn. It's slowly killing me. I literally just want to lay in bed anymore and do nothing because it's the only place I'm not dizzy.
I gave up on my dreams. Someone over the weekend told me I wasn't a hairdresser...I haven't been for awhile. I remember when I was a really good hairdresser. I had clients out the wazoo. I loved my job, I was good at it. I was artistic and amazing at it. A disability took it away. It took everything away. Just like dizziness took away the gym.
The thief comes only to kill steal and destroy. Well dizziness and anxiety are theives.
They say what others have taken, God can give you back. Why doesn't God give me back double for my trouble? Why do I still suffer?
Me n Elmer are watching Friday Night Fights and there's a boy on there who had a whole football career. He was a football player, but his back got broken, he became paralyzed and now he will never play football again.
Does that make him any less of a football player? Or now is he nothing because disability took it away.
I pushed Elmer away all weekend because I just wonder how he can ever love me when I'm so screwed up.
How can he love someone I hate? There in lies the problem.
Pray for me.
Please.
Dianna
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Sigh
Having difficulties w/ the privacy on here, but... I guess it doesn't matter much if someone else can view it.
Been in bed all day. Dizziness is back....I'm frustrated beyond words.
I'm pissed, beyond words.
I have hopes and dreams and as soon as I feel like I make progress, it's back again. I want to learn to live my life with it, but it feels so awful and I'm so mad.
I've been resigned to laying in my bed, being careful the way I put my head. I hate it.
I'm trying not to be angry at God, but it's so hard. I have so many other afflictions....can't one of them suffice without dizziness? I'm tired.
I miss Elmer a lot. As I lay here all day I just kept wishing he was here, so he could just tell me it's all gonna be okay.
Nothing worse than being sick, than being sick alone.
The tears have flowed all evening because I have been recovering from this since July, is it going to be another 9 months til it goes away again?
Fear, it rules my life.
I want an escape from this.
Love,
Dianna
Been in bed all day. Dizziness is back....I'm frustrated beyond words.
I'm pissed, beyond words.
I have hopes and dreams and as soon as I feel like I make progress, it's back again. I want to learn to live my life with it, but it feels so awful and I'm so mad.
I've been resigned to laying in my bed, being careful the way I put my head. I hate it.
I'm trying not to be angry at God, but it's so hard. I have so many other afflictions....can't one of them suffice without dizziness? I'm tired.
I miss Elmer a lot. As I lay here all day I just kept wishing he was here, so he could just tell me it's all gonna be okay.
Nothing worse than being sick, than being sick alone.
The tears have flowed all evening because I have been recovering from this since July, is it going to be another 9 months til it goes away again?
Fear, it rules my life.
I want an escape from this.
Love,
Dianna
Thursday, February 02, 2012
My puppy doggie is better!
My dog is like a whole new dog! I wonder if he was getting sick for some time now. I never paid much attention I guess, other than realizing he's not acting like himself!
He ate 2 full bowls of dog food last night! =D
Starting to feel a lot better emotionally.
An old friend wants to fly in from Chicago and take me to dinner on Valentine's Day, while I was flattered..... that wouldn't be fair to E, so I said no.
I'm not sure what's happening there. Seems like we never have stuff to talk about anymore. If I do talk, I say or do the wrong thing. So, I've taken the approach of really saying nothing at all to avoid a lecture or comments about how my thoughts are off base.
Reminds me a lot of the relationship I had w/ my stepmom. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to fix that relationship through this one. It just doesn't work. He's sweet, he does really nice things for me...........but, if I can't talk or say my point of view or even be allowed to have feelings validated. What's the point?
I usually sit on the phone and let him do all the talking and just listen. Through that I have felt very distant and very lonely.
My therapist tells me week after week that it isn't working. My family and friends tell me it isn't working.
Maybe I see it, but I just don't want to believe it yet.
/shrug........I guess I don't have to worry about it today or tomorrow.
Today has enough worries of it's own.
The bible tells me so.
Love,
Me
He ate 2 full bowls of dog food last night! =D
Starting to feel a lot better emotionally.
An old friend wants to fly in from Chicago and take me to dinner on Valentine's Day, while I was flattered..... that wouldn't be fair to E, so I said no.
I'm not sure what's happening there. Seems like we never have stuff to talk about anymore. If I do talk, I say or do the wrong thing. So, I've taken the approach of really saying nothing at all to avoid a lecture or comments about how my thoughts are off base.
Reminds me a lot of the relationship I had w/ my stepmom. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to fix that relationship through this one. It just doesn't work. He's sweet, he does really nice things for me...........but, if I can't talk or say my point of view or even be allowed to have feelings validated. What's the point?
I usually sit on the phone and let him do all the talking and just listen. Through that I have felt very distant and very lonely.
My therapist tells me week after week that it isn't working. My family and friends tell me it isn't working.
Maybe I see it, but I just don't want to believe it yet.
/shrug........I guess I don't have to worry about it today or tomorrow.
Today has enough worries of it's own.
The bible tells me so.
Love,
Me
Monday, January 23, 2012
Been A While
My life is never, ever boring.
It's always stressful and lately I'm just sad.
My oldest dog Opie is sick. He's has a condition called Geriatric Vestibular Disorder. Basically oddly enough.........He's dizzy.
Ironic how he basically has the same thing I do. This morning is day 3 and I woke up hoping to see some major change in his condition and was disappointed that there are only miniscule improvements.
I called the vet this morning and she said it can take up to 2 weeks to notice improvements.
Either way it woke me up to the absolute reality that my baby is almost 14 years old, he will be going up to visit Jesus sooner than later. My heart isn't quite ready to let him go and I trust that God has his hand on it and trust that it will be a perfect time.
My life is such a mess as a whole. I find myself not caring about so much lately. My heart is fading w/ certain people and I try to hang on and hang on and my heart is changed and it's really hard to hold on to something that isn't there anymore.
I keep hoping something will spark feelings, but it doesn't. Part of it is distance, I don't know what the rest is.
I'm angry at my ex-husband because his life is working out so well. I want to run and tell his fiance about all the crap from last year when he was talking to me and wreck his happiness............but, I can't.
That's not the right way. I don't understand why when he treated me and my boys so bad, his life works out. I know I wasn't perfect, depression killed everything at the end, but matters weren't helped by yelling day in and yelling day out at anyone in his path.
I have asked God over and over to take these feelings out of my heart, but they don't go.
I'm really frustrated lately because I feel like I'm doing nothing right to get my prayers answered. I ask anyway out of faith, but I'm not expecting answers at all because of my complete disobedience to God.
I don't know what the answers are to any of this. It's like w/ everyone around me, I'm so afraid of letting anything go because I don't know what life holds outside of what I have now. Will things come along that are worse?
I have therapy today, more of the same.
Pray for me please, my heads just in a maxium capacity overload.
Love,
Me
It's always stressful and lately I'm just sad.
My oldest dog Opie is sick. He's has a condition called Geriatric Vestibular Disorder. Basically oddly enough.........He's dizzy.
Ironic how he basically has the same thing I do. This morning is day 3 and I woke up hoping to see some major change in his condition and was disappointed that there are only miniscule improvements.
I called the vet this morning and she said it can take up to 2 weeks to notice improvements.
Either way it woke me up to the absolute reality that my baby is almost 14 years old, he will be going up to visit Jesus sooner than later. My heart isn't quite ready to let him go and I trust that God has his hand on it and trust that it will be a perfect time.
My life is such a mess as a whole. I find myself not caring about so much lately. My heart is fading w/ certain people and I try to hang on and hang on and my heart is changed and it's really hard to hold on to something that isn't there anymore.
I keep hoping something will spark feelings, but it doesn't. Part of it is distance, I don't know what the rest is.
I'm angry at my ex-husband because his life is working out so well. I want to run and tell his fiance about all the crap from last year when he was talking to me and wreck his happiness............but, I can't.
That's not the right way. I don't understand why when he treated me and my boys so bad, his life works out. I know I wasn't perfect, depression killed everything at the end, but matters weren't helped by yelling day in and yelling day out at anyone in his path.
I have asked God over and over to take these feelings out of my heart, but they don't go.
I'm really frustrated lately because I feel like I'm doing nothing right to get my prayers answered. I ask anyway out of faith, but I'm not expecting answers at all because of my complete disobedience to God.
I don't know what the answers are to any of this. It's like w/ everyone around me, I'm so afraid of letting anything go because I don't know what life holds outside of what I have now. Will things come along that are worse?
I have therapy today, more of the same.
Pray for me please, my heads just in a maxium capacity overload.
Love,
Me
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
It's Wednesday
Just got out of bed, passing time til I meet some people at the gym. So, I thought I'd bloggety blog.
I'm still in quite a mess. My weekend was horrible. One of the worst I have had in quite awhile. I still am not sure what to do about that mess.
I've changed a lot lately. In instances where I thought I was weak, I'm not. Situations and people I'd never thought I could live with out, I know I can. Changing like that and then applying it are two different things.
I know what I want out of life and I know where I sit currently I'm not going to get it. Therapy is helping me so much. Maybe it's because I'm applying what he says in most areas.
I was talking to a friend the other day and he says "Dianna, you can't open and know what is behind one door, unless you close the others."
This statement has stuck in my head since he said it. It's true. I'm just always afraid what's behind the new doors will be worse than what's behind the doors I already have.
I guess I just live life with too much fear. Right now too much anger and resentment at people.
So........I don't know what to do, but I'm closer than I was yesterday and tomorrow I'll be closer than I was today.
That's my hope and for the first time in a long time I have it!!
Things are going to be okay!
Love,
Me
I'm still in quite a mess. My weekend was horrible. One of the worst I have had in quite awhile. I still am not sure what to do about that mess.
I've changed a lot lately. In instances where I thought I was weak, I'm not. Situations and people I'd never thought I could live with out, I know I can. Changing like that and then applying it are two different things.
I know what I want out of life and I know where I sit currently I'm not going to get it. Therapy is helping me so much. Maybe it's because I'm applying what he says in most areas.
I was talking to a friend the other day and he says "Dianna, you can't open and know what is behind one door, unless you close the others."
This statement has stuck in my head since he said it. It's true. I'm just always afraid what's behind the new doors will be worse than what's behind the doors I already have.
I guess I just live life with too much fear. Right now too much anger and resentment at people.
So........I don't know what to do, but I'm closer than I was yesterday and tomorrow I'll be closer than I was today.
That's my hope and for the first time in a long time I have it!!
Things are going to be okay!
Love,
Me
Saturday, January 07, 2012
What Have I Done?
I woke up from the dream that is my life and I am my own crown of thorns.
What the hell did I do?
What the hell did I throw away?
What the hell am I thinking?
I wish I wasn't so distant from God lately. I need so much help and my heart physically hurts.
Good grief, what did I do?
Sigh,
Love,
Me
God.......Help me.
What the hell did I do?
What the hell did I throw away?
What the hell am I thinking?
I wish I wasn't so distant from God lately. I need so much help and my heart physically hurts.
Good grief, what did I do?
Sigh,
Love,
Me
God.......Help me.
Wednesday, January 04, 2012
This is not my home
Just listened to this and cried my wee little eyes out
I'm just so thankful that I won't always have to stay here. I 'm so tired of mean people, vindictive people, angry people.........I'm tired
I'm sooooooooo glad that I don't always have to stay here. I can't wait to go to my real home and leave this place.
Just windows and walls, I'm just passing through, this is my temporary home.
Thank God.
LOve,
Me
I'm just so thankful that I won't always have to stay here. I 'm so tired of mean people, vindictive people, angry people.........I'm tired
I'm sooooooooo glad that I don't always have to stay here. I can't wait to go to my real home and leave this place.
Just windows and walls, I'm just passing through, this is my temporary home.
Thank God.
LOve,
Me
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Been A Long, Long, Long Time
Haven't been updating much because nothing has change lol =D
Christmas came and went. It was really good at points, and at some points it just was.
Have not been crying at all lately. It has been extremely nice. I still feel sad inside and angry, but the tears have stopped.
I'm frustrated lately with people not hearing me and not understanding what I am trying to say. They always jump to their own conclusion without hearing what I'm trying to tell them and I just drop it because they aren't going to see my point. It drives me nuts when people try to disprove what I already know, but are totally on the wrong track with what I'm trying to say.
It happens a lot. It's frustrating.
I also am realizing the magnitude of anger I have at the fact that I got sick. I feel like it took my life away and if I'm going through the stages of grief, I'm over depression and straight into anger.
I'm not sure what to do with it all. I don't know how to just stop the swirling of life and get back on track.
I signed up at church for counseling and there's a lot of stuff I HAVE to do that I don't want to. I think it will be good for me though. I'm not going to try to change everything at once. One thing at a time.
I went to the gym last week twice, getting ready to go now and make that change first.
I need something, wish God would send it.
Wish people would listen to me and listen to what I say.
Wish I lived in Florida on the beach.
Wish this part of my life was over and past.
Argh.
Have a great new year, I'm hoping mines filled with a lot more happier moments =)
Love,
Me
Christmas came and went. It was really good at points, and at some points it just was.
Have not been crying at all lately. It has been extremely nice. I still feel sad inside and angry, but the tears have stopped.
I'm frustrated lately with people not hearing me and not understanding what I am trying to say. They always jump to their own conclusion without hearing what I'm trying to tell them and I just drop it because they aren't going to see my point. It drives me nuts when people try to disprove what I already know, but are totally on the wrong track with what I'm trying to say.
It happens a lot. It's frustrating.
I also am realizing the magnitude of anger I have at the fact that I got sick. I feel like it took my life away and if I'm going through the stages of grief, I'm over depression and straight into anger.
I'm not sure what to do with it all. I don't know how to just stop the swirling of life and get back on track.
I signed up at church for counseling and there's a lot of stuff I HAVE to do that I don't want to. I think it will be good for me though. I'm not going to try to change everything at once. One thing at a time.
I went to the gym last week twice, getting ready to go now and make that change first.
I need something, wish God would send it.
Wish people would listen to me and listen to what I say.
Wish I lived in Florida on the beach.
Wish this part of my life was over and past.
Argh.
Have a great new year, I'm hoping mines filled with a lot more happier moments =)
Love,
Me
Tuesday, December 06, 2011
Dreams of rainbows
Last night I dreamed of a rainbow. I kept chasing it and trying to take pics of it. I remember how dark the sky was and how bright the rainbow was.
My aunt emailed me about Daniels sermon last week. I haven't been going to church lately and she told me to listen to it.
I laid in bed and put it on and listened. It was about Noah and how awful people were and how God wiped them all out.
Daniel said something that really hit home with me. Over and over again I always say to myself....."I'm not good like those people there. They do things right." Daniel said those exact words except in the context of "People think they do, but we are the worst ones. We all sin, we all fall short."
A lot of people call me, text me, email me to find out where I am. Why I've dropped off the face of the earth. God and I will work it out together. I have to have faith that His hand is on this, because if it wasn't I would be in a whole lot of trouble.
In my world with so much confusion, the one thing that I know for certain is how much I love Jesus.
I absolutely love him. What he did for us. Thanking God for His gift to this world, thanking God for His abundant grace at times when I act like this.
I can't find any Christmas spirit, I'm not sure what's going on, but it's gone. Maybe it's what Christmas has turned into. Maybe it's because it's all about money anymore and who gets what.
I'm going to go buy a Christmas tree and put it up and do it because I'm glad that Jesus was our gift to this fallen world.
Watching the news, seeing the way the world has fallen and remembering what a precious gift was given to us. Knowing that Jesus paid for my sin so I can leave this world and go home some day.
This isn't my home.
Thank you Jesus for what you did and thank you God for rainbows which tells me that it's going to be okay. The story of Noah, the story of the rainbow and the covenant that you keep your promise.
I love you papa!
Love,
Me
My aunt emailed me about Daniels sermon last week. I haven't been going to church lately and she told me to listen to it.
I laid in bed and put it on and listened. It was about Noah and how awful people were and how God wiped them all out.
Daniel said something that really hit home with me. Over and over again I always say to myself....."I'm not good like those people there. They do things right." Daniel said those exact words except in the context of "People think they do, but we are the worst ones. We all sin, we all fall short."
A lot of people call me, text me, email me to find out where I am. Why I've dropped off the face of the earth. God and I will work it out together. I have to have faith that His hand is on this, because if it wasn't I would be in a whole lot of trouble.
In my world with so much confusion, the one thing that I know for certain is how much I love Jesus.
I absolutely love him. What he did for us. Thanking God for His gift to this world, thanking God for His abundant grace at times when I act like this.
I can't find any Christmas spirit, I'm not sure what's going on, but it's gone. Maybe it's what Christmas has turned into. Maybe it's because it's all about money anymore and who gets what.
I'm going to go buy a Christmas tree and put it up and do it because I'm glad that Jesus was our gift to this fallen world.
Watching the news, seeing the way the world has fallen and remembering what a precious gift was given to us. Knowing that Jesus paid for my sin so I can leave this world and go home some day.
This isn't my home.
Thank you Jesus for what you did and thank you God for rainbows which tells me that it's going to be okay. The story of Noah, the story of the rainbow and the covenant that you keep your promise.
I love you papa!
Love,
Me
Sunday, December 04, 2011
Where's The Dianna I Know?
I'm not sure where I'm at lately. I know without a doubt, I'm clinically depressed and that take a lot of who you are with it.
Depression is ugly. I often wonder if it will ever just go away.
Sometimes I wonder if I had this or had that, maybe things would be better. Seems lately nothing gets any better.
I used to find a lot of joy in Jesus, but it left too. I watch shows sometimes about God, but lately they frustrate me because there's a laundry list of stuff you have to do and if it's not done right, they say God won't answer your prayers.
I haven't stopped praying, but maybe just a little I stopped expecting any answers. I'm not really praying anymore because I want something. I truly love God and just knowing He is there, makes things easier.
I cried the other day out of nowhere, thinking about Jesus. Thinking about what he did for us. Thinking that because of him, one day I can leave this earth and go home.
I wait for God to fix me, it's a vicious circle though, because that requires obedience and I'm anything but.
Still waiting for my Christmas miracle. Anything to just jostle me into the spirit of Christmas.
I still haven't put my tree up.
Sigh.
Have a great week!
Love,
Moi!
Depression is ugly. I often wonder if it will ever just go away.
Sometimes I wonder if I had this or had that, maybe things would be better. Seems lately nothing gets any better.
I used to find a lot of joy in Jesus, but it left too. I watch shows sometimes about God, but lately they frustrate me because there's a laundry list of stuff you have to do and if it's not done right, they say God won't answer your prayers.
I haven't stopped praying, but maybe just a little I stopped expecting any answers. I'm not really praying anymore because I want something. I truly love God and just knowing He is there, makes things easier.
I cried the other day out of nowhere, thinking about Jesus. Thinking about what he did for us. Thinking that because of him, one day I can leave this earth and go home.
I wait for God to fix me, it's a vicious circle though, because that requires obedience and I'm anything but.
Still waiting for my Christmas miracle. Anything to just jostle me into the spirit of Christmas.
I still haven't put my tree up.
Sigh.
Have a great week!
Love,
Moi!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Where are you Christmas?
Every year the day after Thanksgiving, sometimes even Thanksgiving night I have put up my Christmas tree.
This year I just don't have it in me to do it. The want that is. I love what Christmas stands for. I love the fact that our Savior came to this world.
But the Christmas we celebrate, I just don't want to. Money, things, stuff that never gets touched or put up in the closet.
I wish God would show me some real Christmas spirit somewhere that doesn't have anything to do with money or things.
Maybe a moment somewhere of someone just being nice.
I have watched Christmas movies over and over day in and day out this year. None of it's real. All these people find Christmas love or get Christmas miracles. It's just not real.
I want to go stand under a tree somewhere and have this man come out of nowhere that just falls in love with me as I am.
It just doesn't happen.
I've lost myself so badly. I just long to find myself and I don't know where to look.
I'm tired of noise. I'm tired of lies and exhaustion. I'm just tired of my life as it is.
I Savannah is the one thing in my life that keeps me going.
Hopefully I'll find myself this Christmas.
Peace and Love
Dianna
This year I just don't have it in me to do it. The want that is. I love what Christmas stands for. I love the fact that our Savior came to this world.
But the Christmas we celebrate, I just don't want to. Money, things, stuff that never gets touched or put up in the closet.
I wish God would show me some real Christmas spirit somewhere that doesn't have anything to do with money or things.
Maybe a moment somewhere of someone just being nice.
I have watched Christmas movies over and over day in and day out this year. None of it's real. All these people find Christmas love or get Christmas miracles. It's just not real.
I want to go stand under a tree somewhere and have this man come out of nowhere that just falls in love with me as I am.
It just doesn't happen.
I've lost myself so badly. I just long to find myself and I don't know where to look.
I'm tired of noise. I'm tired of lies and exhaustion. I'm just tired of my life as it is.
I Savannah is the one thing in my life that keeps me going.
Hopefully I'll find myself this Christmas.
Peace and Love
Dianna
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Betty
Last year about this time, I blogged about Betty.
Over the year I got to know her very well. My work out buddy. I saw her the week I got sick. She told me she would pray for me and to just hold on.
The one thing that always stuck with me was when she said "As long as I'm working out, I'm fighting the cancer."
Cindy knew how close we had gotten and called me today with the news that Betty's body is shutting down and she will pass very soon.
I'm just sad.
Cancer is a four-letter word. It's a thief that robs people of their life and robs families of their loved ones.
She fought so hard, she was so strong.
Her husband came in to cancel her membership because "She won't be coming back" he says.
So final. I have to keep in mind that while on earth there are so many goodbyes, but in heaven, you never have to say goodbye again.
God will pull her out of this world and take her into His. She won't be in pain anymore, she won't have to fight anymore.
I will see her again and at our next meeting, there doesn't have to be a goodbye.
Love,
Me
Over the year I got to know her very well. My work out buddy. I saw her the week I got sick. She told me she would pray for me and to just hold on.
The one thing that always stuck with me was when she said "As long as I'm working out, I'm fighting the cancer."
Cindy knew how close we had gotten and called me today with the news that Betty's body is shutting down and she will pass very soon.
I'm just sad.
Cancer is a four-letter word. It's a thief that robs people of their life and robs families of their loved ones.
She fought so hard, she was so strong.
Her husband came in to cancel her membership because "She won't be coming back" he says.
So final. I have to keep in mind that while on earth there are so many goodbyes, but in heaven, you never have to say goodbye again.
God will pull her out of this world and take her into His. She won't be in pain anymore, she won't have to fight anymore.
I will see her again and at our next meeting, there doesn't have to be a goodbye.
Love,
Me
Sunday, November 13, 2011
He Loves Me
God never ceases to amaze me. A couple of weeks ago, I came across this video of starlings roosting. It was so amazing, it actually brought tears to my eyes. I have never seen that many birds before and was so amazed at them. I remember watching it and thinking how amazing and awesome God is. I told Him I wanted to see that someday.
Tonight I had to get out of the house for awhile. Something someone had said to me had me on the verge of tears for a lil bit and I was fighting to hold back tears.
I talked to God and just started telling all my problems and how I don't know what to do. About 3 seconds into my heart spill, I hear an almost audible, "Look up"
If you look closely at the full picture it looks like a giant arm leading the birds where to go =)
That is what I saw. Starlings were roosting and it looked like they were coming out of the sun. They flew all around me my whole walk. Sometimes they would land a few houses in front of me. There were hundreds of birds. Another moment I won't ever forget.
I love when God shows off. =D
It was such a wonderful present. It was so amazing the way I couldn't see part of them because the sun was so bright, but all around the sun they were just flying in their patterns.
He LOVES me. He doesn't care how much I weigh, He doesn't care that right now I'm depressed, He doesn't care that sometimes I say or do the wrong thing, He doesn't care that I don't know much about certain things, He doesn't care that right now I don't have a job.
What great lengths He goes through to show me He loves me as I am.
Face value.
He LOVES me.
Love,
Me
=) Thanking God He doesn't base His love on things earthly people see and judge us by. He knows my heart and it's good.
Tonight I had to get out of the house for awhile. Something someone had said to me had me on the verge of tears for a lil bit and I was fighting to hold back tears.
I talked to God and just started telling all my problems and how I don't know what to do. About 3 seconds into my heart spill, I hear an almost audible, "Look up"
If you look closely at the full picture it looks like a giant arm leading the birds where to go =)
That is what I saw. Starlings were roosting and it looked like they were coming out of the sun. They flew all around me my whole walk. Sometimes they would land a few houses in front of me. There were hundreds of birds. Another moment I won't ever forget.
I love when God shows off. =D
It was such a wonderful present. It was so amazing the way I couldn't see part of them because the sun was so bright, but all around the sun they were just flying in their patterns.
He LOVES me. He doesn't care how much I weigh, He doesn't care that right now I'm depressed, He doesn't care that sometimes I say or do the wrong thing, He doesn't care that I don't know much about certain things, He doesn't care that right now I don't have a job.
What great lengths He goes through to show me He loves me as I am.
Face value.
He LOVES me.
Love,
Me
=) Thanking God He doesn't base His love on things earthly people see and judge us by. He knows my heart and it's good.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Thursday...
You know, life isn't really very long.
I lay in bed this morning thinking about time, time going by in years, months, hours and days.
Since my dream the other night, I have been thinking a lot about how much of my time I have wasted. How much time I continue to waste, but I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be right where I am doing what I'm doing.......Or if I'm supposed to be doing something else.
Inching slowly back into my relationship with God. I've missed Him so much and turned away from Him, in the most difficult time in my life.
I watched a show the other day that talked about how God loves us through other people. He doesn't come down in the form of Himself to tell us, He shows us through people. At that pivotal moment I truly felt how much He loves me.
When I think of how much I hate doing laundry, at least I have clothes to wash. When I think or complain of how much I hate doing dishes, good Lord, at least I have dishes to eat out of. I see the nice things around me and I have so many nice things. God truly has loved on me and used other people to convey that love. I've never, ever went without one thing even for one day and I acted like such a spoiled brat. Good thing about God is, I asked for forgiveness and I am forgiven. Approaching life with more of a thankful attitude.
I asked God to lead me to what I'm supposed to have in my life. I want someone to share my life with. I want to get married again. I want someone to do life with. Life is so hard and sometimes so wonderful that I want someone to walk through it with.
I was so unsure of that before. I was so adamant about never being married again, but He showed me in my heart, that I do want to be married again.
I've got to change so much to get there, or should I say, He has to change so much for me to get there. I have so much to learn still, but I still have some years, months, days and hours to learn what I need to.
Going to quit trying to make things happen and just let Him lead me where it is I need to be.
I'm hearing Him again. I know that I know that I know it's Him.
Fear opens the door for satan to work, faith opens up the door for my Father to work.
Pray that I can leave these fears and have the courage to do what I need to do to move forward.
Courage....I need it.
Love,
Me =)
I lay in bed this morning thinking about time, time going by in years, months, hours and days.
Since my dream the other night, I have been thinking a lot about how much of my time I have wasted. How much time I continue to waste, but I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be right where I am doing what I'm doing.......Or if I'm supposed to be doing something else.
Inching slowly back into my relationship with God. I've missed Him so much and turned away from Him, in the most difficult time in my life.
I watched a show the other day that talked about how God loves us through other people. He doesn't come down in the form of Himself to tell us, He shows us through people. At that pivotal moment I truly felt how much He loves me.
When I think of how much I hate doing laundry, at least I have clothes to wash. When I think or complain of how much I hate doing dishes, good Lord, at least I have dishes to eat out of. I see the nice things around me and I have so many nice things. God truly has loved on me and used other people to convey that love. I've never, ever went without one thing even for one day and I acted like such a spoiled brat. Good thing about God is, I asked for forgiveness and I am forgiven. Approaching life with more of a thankful attitude.
I asked God to lead me to what I'm supposed to have in my life. I want someone to share my life with. I want to get married again. I want someone to do life with. Life is so hard and sometimes so wonderful that I want someone to walk through it with.
I was so unsure of that before. I was so adamant about never being married again, but He showed me in my heart, that I do want to be married again.
I've got to change so much to get there, or should I say, He has to change so much for me to get there. I have so much to learn still, but I still have some years, months, days and hours to learn what I need to.
Going to quit trying to make things happen and just let Him lead me where it is I need to be.
I'm hearing Him again. I know that I know that I know it's Him.
Fear opens the door for satan to work, faith opens up the door for my Father to work.
Pray that I can leave these fears and have the courage to do what I need to do to move forward.
Courage....I need it.
Love,
Me =)
Sunday, November 06, 2011
Sunday Once Again
I miss February. That's back when I got my job and I was on top of the world. I'm done analyzing what happened, it just did.
Trying to figure out how to get my life back is where I'm at now.
Had a lot of vivid dreams over the past few days. Friday night I dreamed mamaw was sitting with me in a gray empty room. There were 2 chairs. She was in one, I was in the other. She spoke loudly and said "You are wasting so much time" I kept asking her over and over again what she meant and she said loudly one more time "All you need to know is that you are wasting a lot of time."
Then last night I dreamed that I was getting baptized again. My whole entire family was there and I was so excited to be baptized again...The lady who was going to baptize me was reading my testimony and one by one my family went out. I kept asking where they were and my mom would say "someone more important needs them" I looked out the window and they were all doing other things. I got back in the tub and my mom was still there and she was waiting and the lady who was baptizing me got a phone call and said she needed to leave and couldn't finish. I sat in the tub crying and just felt so empty.
Right after that I dreamed I was at my old Grandma Spies house. I looked out front and there was a box and I knew what was in there and realized someone had take stuff out of the box. I went around to the side door and someone else was in there. I ran over to Tessa and Keiths to call 911 and tell them someone was in my grandmas house...He asked me to do his dishes while I waited for the police. I didn't want to do his dishes, but he was adamant that I do them. So I sat there while I waited. I looked out his kitchen window and I saw my grandma spies and she was screaming "someones in my house." I told her I'd finish the dishes and be right there and that I had called police.
So weird these dreams.
=(
Okay, happy Sunday
Love,
Dianna
Trying to figure out how to get my life back is where I'm at now.
Had a lot of vivid dreams over the past few days. Friday night I dreamed mamaw was sitting with me in a gray empty room. There were 2 chairs. She was in one, I was in the other. She spoke loudly and said "You are wasting so much time" I kept asking her over and over again what she meant and she said loudly one more time "All you need to know is that you are wasting a lot of time."
Then last night I dreamed that I was getting baptized again. My whole entire family was there and I was so excited to be baptized again...The lady who was going to baptize me was reading my testimony and one by one my family went out. I kept asking where they were and my mom would say "someone more important needs them" I looked out the window and they were all doing other things. I got back in the tub and my mom was still there and she was waiting and the lady who was baptizing me got a phone call and said she needed to leave and couldn't finish. I sat in the tub crying and just felt so empty.
Right after that I dreamed I was at my old Grandma Spies house. I looked out front and there was a box and I knew what was in there and realized someone had take stuff out of the box. I went around to the side door and someone else was in there. I ran over to Tessa and Keiths to call 911 and tell them someone was in my grandmas house...He asked me to do his dishes while I waited for the police. I didn't want to do his dishes, but he was adamant that I do them. So I sat there while I waited. I looked out his kitchen window and I saw my grandma spies and she was screaming "someones in my house." I told her I'd finish the dishes and be right there and that I had called police.
So weird these dreams.
=(
Okay, happy Sunday
Love,
Dianna
Tuesday, November 01, 2011
Sigh
Dealing with my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder again today. It's funny recognizing what it is. It's funny what triggers it.
I would think my brain would realize the difference. It doesn't.
Elmer came in this past weekend. We had a great time and he had to leave. What triggered it was cleaning up his bottle he was drinking out of, the towel he used. Stuff like that.
After Brett died, I remember everyone just cleaning up his stuff and I wanted the cup he drank out of, I wanted the shirt he was wearing. I didn't want to touch anything.
After Elmer left yesterday it was hard for me to throw his water bottle away or wash his towel. I cried most of the afternoon because I had to tell my brain, he's not dead, he's just not here.
Today I'm emotionally worn out from that. Every time I went to touch something that he did, that scene from the day Brett died came back into my head. Telling myself over and over.....it's okay to throw it away. The bottle is insignificant.
I guess I just wanted to hold on and seeing those things around my house is a reality that he was really here.
Hard to fool a brain.
I hate goodbye. =(
Love,
Me
I would think my brain would realize the difference. It doesn't.
Elmer came in this past weekend. We had a great time and he had to leave. What triggered it was cleaning up his bottle he was drinking out of, the towel he used. Stuff like that.
After Brett died, I remember everyone just cleaning up his stuff and I wanted the cup he drank out of, I wanted the shirt he was wearing. I didn't want to touch anything.
After Elmer left yesterday it was hard for me to throw his water bottle away or wash his towel. I cried most of the afternoon because I had to tell my brain, he's not dead, he's just not here.
Today I'm emotionally worn out from that. Every time I went to touch something that he did, that scene from the day Brett died came back into my head. Telling myself over and over.....it's okay to throw it away. The bottle is insignificant.
I guess I just wanted to hold on and seeing those things around my house is a reality that he was really here.
Hard to fool a brain.
I hate goodbye. =(
Love,
Me
Monday, October 17, 2011
A Re-Introduction of Dianna
I'm Dianna 39 years old, blonde hair, blue eyes. I'd like that think that's about all I have to say about myself. But it's not. I notice silly things like that sentence before this one is a fragment. Is it sentence or sentance? Stuff like that is what goes through my simple mind.
Lately I have embarked on a journey of self discovery. Who am I and what the hell do I want out of life? I try to think of things I know about myself. I do know that I am on a big chessboard. The way I act, the way I write.........everything dictated by who is moving my pieces that day. Some people in my life know exactly who's moving what piece all the time. I love those people.
I like the color of yellow. Not bright yellow, soft, pale yellow. I like bowling, although I'm not sure why. I love my puppy dogs, all dogs. That's about all I know of likes. I used to like to paint and draw, but when Juan (big Juan) broke all my pencils and tore up my work...I stopped.
I wonder all the time about what gives people the right to take things from other people. Take away their self esteem, take away their happiness. I do wish I was a strong enough woman to not let anyone take anything.
I soul search a lot. But I guess everyone knows that about me. I never let anyone drive me. I only can drive myself. I have let Elmer and Steve drive me. I think my aunt once. I was 17...In a truck w/ my step sister, a preachers son and his friend. We were out in Bullit County on this old country dirt road. The preachers son was driving and he was going fast. I was scared and crying and they thought this was quite funny. I was sick to my stomach. So.........I beg to be let out and they wouldn't let me. They go back on this really hilly road to really let me have it, because, lets face it......Scaring someone to death is funny. I begged to be let out, preachers son said he would let me out if I grabbed his penis. I said no of course and the first hill came......we were all in the front of the truck and no seat belts. I remember going over that hill, my head hitting the top of the truck and just crying hysterically. More laughter at my expense..........Second hill came, he asked me again if I would grab his penis and this time I thought about it, but said "No, just let go please" I will never forget the sound of those tires peeling out on that road, again my head hit the top of the truck, more laughter and we got to the third hill. I felt as if I were going to vomit. He asked me again if I were going to grab his penis. This time I said "Yes" I grabbed it so hard his eye balls popped out of his head and I would not let up. Once I let go of course more hills and they finally let me out in the middle of a highway somewhere. I walked back to the mall crying.
I still think about that. Wonder if he ever thinks about that and realizes that for 20 something years I can't ride with other people because I trust so few.
Add that to my list of about me. I don't like going fast, I don't like hills....I don't like people laughing at me and making fun of me.
My dad the other day told me I don't need to call a Dr. I need to call FEMA because I'm a walking disaster. That is pretty much true. I have a lot of stuff go wrong, but sometimes I have a lot of stuff go right.
I'm foolish and stupid I agree.
I get asked out by the same 3 guys almost every week. There was a 4th, but he told me he would eventually give up asking and he did. I was relieved when he did. The same 3 guys ask and I give the same response and same excuses.
I wouldn't know what to say or do with any of them and they would have to get to know me, which in the end they would stop liking me anyways.
How can you like someone who doesn't even know what she likes to do? One of them asked me the other day, "You have to like something, what do you like?" Why is that question so hard? Bowling is all I could think of. He asks "Are you good at it?" "No", I say......."I'm not good at it". I'm not even sure why I like it.
How does one find out what they like? There's so much noise around me how can I figure out anything. One of the guys does something sweet.......If he reads my facebook status or something and I'm sad, he will text me bible verses. I think that's pretty sweet.
It's sweet and a reminder that God is still pursuing me even though I want to give up on Him.
I do know that I love Jesus. There is no like in that, that is absolute love. I can honestly say that I don't even trust the one who made me.
This introduction is long enough...You don't have to scroll back and read who I was. This is who I am. A dizzy, dumb female who loves bowling and God.
Love,
Dianna
Lately I have embarked on a journey of self discovery. Who am I and what the hell do I want out of life? I try to think of things I know about myself. I do know that I am on a big chessboard. The way I act, the way I write.........everything dictated by who is moving my pieces that day. Some people in my life know exactly who's moving what piece all the time. I love those people.
I like the color of yellow. Not bright yellow, soft, pale yellow. I like bowling, although I'm not sure why. I love my puppy dogs, all dogs. That's about all I know of likes. I used to like to paint and draw, but when Juan (big Juan) broke all my pencils and tore up my work...I stopped.
I wonder all the time about what gives people the right to take things from other people. Take away their self esteem, take away their happiness. I do wish I was a strong enough woman to not let anyone take anything.
I soul search a lot. But I guess everyone knows that about me. I never let anyone drive me. I only can drive myself. I have let Elmer and Steve drive me. I think my aunt once. I was 17...In a truck w/ my step sister, a preachers son and his friend. We were out in Bullit County on this old country dirt road. The preachers son was driving and he was going fast. I was scared and crying and they thought this was quite funny. I was sick to my stomach. So.........I beg to be let out and they wouldn't let me. They go back on this really hilly road to really let me have it, because, lets face it......Scaring someone to death is funny. I begged to be let out, preachers son said he would let me out if I grabbed his penis. I said no of course and the first hill came......we were all in the front of the truck and no seat belts. I remember going over that hill, my head hitting the top of the truck and just crying hysterically. More laughter at my expense..........Second hill came, he asked me again if I would grab his penis and this time I thought about it, but said "No, just let go please" I will never forget the sound of those tires peeling out on that road, again my head hit the top of the truck, more laughter and we got to the third hill. I felt as if I were going to vomit. He asked me again if I were going to grab his penis. This time I said "Yes" I grabbed it so hard his eye balls popped out of his head and I would not let up. Once I let go of course more hills and they finally let me out in the middle of a highway somewhere. I walked back to the mall crying.
I still think about that. Wonder if he ever thinks about that and realizes that for 20 something years I can't ride with other people because I trust so few.
Add that to my list of about me. I don't like going fast, I don't like hills....I don't like people laughing at me and making fun of me.
My dad the other day told me I don't need to call a Dr. I need to call FEMA because I'm a walking disaster. That is pretty much true. I have a lot of stuff go wrong, but sometimes I have a lot of stuff go right.
I'm foolish and stupid I agree.
I get asked out by the same 3 guys almost every week. There was a 4th, but he told me he would eventually give up asking and he did. I was relieved when he did. The same 3 guys ask and I give the same response and same excuses.
I wouldn't know what to say or do with any of them and they would have to get to know me, which in the end they would stop liking me anyways.
How can you like someone who doesn't even know what she likes to do? One of them asked me the other day, "You have to like something, what do you like?" Why is that question so hard? Bowling is all I could think of. He asks "Are you good at it?" "No", I say......."I'm not good at it". I'm not even sure why I like it.
How does one find out what they like? There's so much noise around me how can I figure out anything. One of the guys does something sweet.......If he reads my facebook status or something and I'm sad, he will text me bible verses. I think that's pretty sweet.
It's sweet and a reminder that God is still pursuing me even though I want to give up on Him.
I do know that I love Jesus. There is no like in that, that is absolute love. I can honestly say that I don't even trust the one who made me.
This introduction is long enough...You don't have to scroll back and read who I was. This is who I am. A dizzy, dumb female who loves bowling and God.
Love,
Dianna
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