I'll Dance With You From Heaven

I asked God to reveal to me, why I am like I am. Why I have such a difficult time not only accepting love from people, but accepting His love.

Little by little things are revealed to me, moments and things taken from me when I was a child. All those things taken both big and small, made me become who I was. Those things made me feel like I was undeserving of anything, even undeserving of love.

God has taken on the task to reverse all this. He wants to heal every single heartbreak. He shows me what happened and shows me "The absolute TRUTH." Like untying a huge knot. He does it perfectly with grace and with ease. I feel so much better after each knot gets untied. He truly is a master at whatever He does and He does not fail. Ever.

It's amazing how He does it. Simply amazing.

When I was a little girl, all I dreamed about was being this fancy bride. I used to use my First Communion veil and pretend I was getting married. Of course I used to marry Ponch from CHIPS and Bo and Luke Duke. The guy sometimes changed, but the wedding didn't. It was this beautiful event! Horse drawn carriages, me in a big beautiful gown, lots of people and a huge cake, the groom at the end of the aisle who loved me so much that he wanted to marry me!

Last night something came on TV and a bride came on, out of no where tears just flooded my eyes. I always wanted a real wedding. A big wedding with a dress, a church, father and daughter dance..........The whole she-bang.

My wedding was getting married in a blue polka dot dress borrowed from my aunt on some court house steps in front of statue.

When I got engaged I was so excited!! I went to my dads first to tell them and my step mom immediately said "Don't expect your dad to pay for any of this or help in any way."

If you could hear glass breaking, I did in that moment. Once again she took away a dream I had. I get so mad at times and wonder what gave her that right to take that dream away from me? What did I do that was so bad for her to take so much from me and leave me this shell of a body that believed she deserved to be hated?

I heard those words and closed my eyes and saw her daughter,Debbies wedding which happened a couple years later. They paid for everything. She had this beautiful dress, a gorgeous veil. For whatever reason (probably to rub it in) they called me to go to Debbies last fitting. I sat there behind them, crying because she looked beautiful. She always got what I wanted. Always.

Her wedding was beautiful, they asked me to be in it, so I got a front row view of the wedding I was denied.

I was sad. Big limos, fancy dresses....Sad.

What made me cry wasn't remembering the wedding. It was remembering the father daughter dance. She danced with her dad and then they had a second dance for my father and her. I looked over at the dance floor and saw them dancing and without hesistation I ran for the exit. I pushed people out of the way trying to get down the steps as quickly as I could.

I ran behind the building and cried for quite awhile. I know my step mother saw me run out and was probably laughing at me as I did. She's the one who took away my room, my wedding, my identity.....so much, but most of all she took away the one thing that hurt the worst. My father.

While I was crying I hear God say to me in His small still voice, "What's wrong child?" I told him the whole sordid story and told him how I just wanted to be a bride who deserved a big wedding and wanted to dance with my dad. I was inaudible at points. I was so sad. "Why Father (God), why did I not deserve a wedding? Why didn't I get to dance with my dad? Why did he let her take so much from me?"

I said "Papa, when I get to heaven will you dance with me?"

God whispered to me, "Let me show you what you deserve, I can dance with you from heaven child. Close your eyes."

I closed my eyes and there I was in the most exquisite wedding gown I have ever laid eyes upon! The floor flew out from underneath me and the stars became a dance floor. Every spin around the dance floor you could see the whole entire galaxy. The moon, the earth, planets I had never seen. The stars were shooting and sprinkling all over me and around me. It felt as if that was Gods love raining down on me in the most perfect fashion it could. In that moment I felt such intense love. Love like I have never known.

Flashes went before my eyes......I was dancing with Him as a small child, standing on His feet. Every stage, even the stages I hated myself, was there dancing with our Father. The stars falling on me at every age, the love overwhelming me at every age.

God looked down at me and kissed me so softly on my forehead and said "This child, this is what you deserved."

Right in that moment I fell asleep with the biggest smile on my face. The feeling in my heart was not only peace, but this mind blowing love. I wanted a father, daughter dance and He gave me one. A million times better than what I could ever of experienced here on earth. I wish you could've seen it. Breathtaking doesn't even describe it.

I LOVE HIM.

He reveals to me so slowly why I am the way I am. I never know what moment He is going to show me next, I only know they come at the oddest times and they are all moments where I felt like I was completely and utterly a waste of a human life. I felt like Invisible me.

I will treasure that dance always.

I love my Father!! I absolutely love and adore Him.

Now it's time to start working on accepting the love He shows me.

"I can dance with you from heaven child."

I have the BEST Father ever =)

Happy Saturday!

Love,

Dianna

Alas, It's Friday!!!

Been a bit since I have written. Been in bed most of the week from my nice gluten encounter. Usually I develop an aversion from the place after ingesting gluten and oh why, oh why did it have to be Q-doba? I LOVED that place..........Not anymore! I can't even think about it.

Summer is almost over and I'm starting to get a bit sad. It went entirely too fast. I love being able to go in the yard, plant things, watch my flowers grow. Winter brings it's own beauty, but I have a new found love of spring and summer.

Gonna do a longer update this weekend. I have plenty O' free time! But wanted to do a drive by posting to say all is wonderful =)

Love you guys!

Dianna

Oh, How I Miss You

On Tuesday my dearest Brett will celebrate his 18th year into heaven.
The song playing is one he chose for me to "Make me cry" at his funeral. It worked.

My Dearest Brett,

Each year that passes....I wonder if maybe this year it won't be hard. Maybe this year it won't hurt.

I'm wrong every year. This year it's the hardest because I can't remember your voice. Your sweet, sweet laugh. Gone. My dad put on DVD the news story of you so I could hear your voice. It made me sad to watch you.

The memories we had never leave me. That's one thing I won't let leave.



My favorite of all was prom. You had your tuxedo on, your silk bandana covered the place where your beautiful hair used to lay. I was so nervous that day. Getting my dress on, getting my hair fixed. You weren't feeling real well and the Drs wanted you to wear a mask, being exposed to that many people. Germs.

You of course refused. We sat at the table to let you rest and talk. There were little memory books on the tables with tiny pencils attached. You looked up into my eyes and I could see the candles flickering in yours. Your eyes welled up with tears and you stared into mine a bit longer before you started to write.

You close the book and slide it across the table to me........I open it and see written........Dianna, I love you more than anyone could in my short lifetime.

I look back up, your eyes still fixed on mine. I'm not even sure they ever left me. As I look back into your eyes..the candles still flickering. I see it like it was yesterday. I closed my eyes and said "God, please let me remember this forever." You take my hand and we just sit there in the quiet. We both know what's coming in a couple weeks or months. But nothing is spoken. Just spending an evening with no more hospitals, no more chemo. The very last time we would ever spend a day in May together.

I never told you how much I loved you til you died. I regret that. Walking into your room right after you passed. People were trying to throw your cups away and get everything cleaned up and I wanted to shout "What are you doing people, I want that, stop!" I wanted your cups, I wanted your straws........

I wanted everything you touched. Even if you only touched it a second, I wanted it.

The time came when everyone left me alone to be with you. The door closed.... I was so scared.

I see you laying on the bed, your spirit was gone. What made you, you....Your smile, your jokes, your big heart. Gone. It was so weird being in that room, but at the same time so peaceful. It looked like you had drifted off to sleep.

You had on a black Metallica Tshirt and a pair of white jeans. Your hair had all grown back. You had your senior ring on.

I took your hand and held it and kissed it. I just wanted you to wake up. I twirled your ring around your finger in a circle. I wanted you to just reach out and touch my head and tell me that it would all be okay. I just wanted you back.

I saw a piece of paper next to you. Your mom said right before you died you tried to write something....... I clearly saw a D and an i.

I have wondered this 18 years if you were trying to tell me something. Were you trying to tell me one more time you love me?

I knew. Maybe what you didn't know was how much I loved you too.

Even when you were sick I had such a good time with you. Those late nights at the hospital where after chemo we would eat gummy bears to see if when you threw them up they would be decapitated or be whole!......when we pulled out all your hair with duct tape. The late nights at the hospital where you would just be on 10 straight hours of throwing up, but always look over to tell me that you love me.




I loved spending the nights at the hospital with you. Room 409 will always be a special place to me.

Oh, how I miss you.

I was so angry at you for so long after you died. I just wondered so much what am I supposed to do alone with a baby? Why did you have to die, why did you leave me?

I'm not angry at you anymore, however I miss you.

I drive by places all the time and wonder if you would recognize them if you came back. I sit outside your house sometimes and close my eyes and envision you walking down the path.

I miss you Brett. Hope you are in heaven enjoying being with God and all of your family.

I haven't forgotten you. Not even a little. Anthony's all grown up and heading off to college.

Wish he could've known you.

I love you so much and you will always be in my heart.

I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could tell you things I never got to. People sometimes dislike the fact that I tend to ramble on when trying to say things. Anything that's important I don't want to leave out. I don't want to ever leave anything unsaid again.

I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you =(

Cancer stinks.



Dianna

Taking One Thing Into the Light

Trying an exercise to bring things I keep in the dark, to the light. I eventually want to bring bigger things to the light. Not on my blog of course, not for awhile. But.....attempting some small stuff. Hopefully it will work.

I'm afraid of even writing this, because I don't know if my dad reads this. I keep so much hidden to protect his feelings and it eats away at me inside. I have always kept so much hidden, because I want to protect those I love. I don't want them to hurt, so I take it on.

When my parents were divorced, I was punished, severely for choosing to live with my mother. People can say different or say what they want, but I was very, very harshly punished.

For any judge to lay that on a child. Insane. No child should be expected to have to pick between two parents that they love.

As I stated above, I was harshly punished for my decision. Things happened that have never left me. So much broken trust that left me feeling like I was a nobody.

My identity was taken away from me. Even now at almost 38, I am trying to figure out who I am without bending and twisting to make myself someone for others.

Every bit of that came from having to choose and then being punished for that choice. I don't make decisions well, they scare me. All because of what I chose so long ago.

When I say my identity was taken away. It was. My dad had a house (I was born in that house.) It was three bedrooms. My room was the front room, Johnny had the back room on the left and my parents had the room on the right.

I could tell you every single detail of that house. The way it smelled, the way my room looked. My pink and white checkered bed spread, my white rocking chair. UGLY, hideous carpet. My closet with my toys and dolls. White Home Interior thingies hung on the wall.

I remember always putting on my turquois blue, soft night gown and staring out the window at the older kids getting to stay up late.

My room =)

After my parents divorced my dad re married. I inherited a new step sister. Both sides were promising so much to me and my brother. If you live here you get to do this. If you live here you get to that. It was endless.

As I stated I chose my mom, my brother chose my dad. We went to live at my moms. It was a new house, it was a creepy house. My step dad didn't like us and it was very obvious. It felt weird.

It was time to go to my dads house and I was soooooooooo excited to be going back to the house I was born in. We had twin beds in my room and me and Debbie slept in there together.

I go to walk into my room and there was a lock on the door that you needed a key to get in. I asked my dad "Why can't I get into my room?" No answer. I ask again and Mary says "You didn't chose to live here, it's not your room anymore."

Debbie unlocks the door and comes out. She had brand new carpet, a SINGLE waterbed, all her toys were in there. I look over at the light switch and there is a plate cover that says "Debbies room."

That was done on purpose. My beds, my toys, my stuff all taken up to my grandmas attic. Johnny had a room, Debbie had a room. Mine was taken from me.

That switch plate cover saying "Debbies room" has never left my brain. I see it 27 years later as clearly as I saw it then.

I slept on the floor in the living room from that point on. When the summer came and we spent a month with my dad, floor or couch. Debbie was put in day care and when they would leave, she would lock her door with her key so I wouldn't get in. My clothes stayed in a laundry basket.

I started learning a lot of tough lessons on what one wrong choice does to you.

I felt invisible and my very first feelings of being unwanted set in.

I will never forget how the tears welled up in my eyes that day and I couldn't find the door quick enough to run out of the house and cry.

I knew she was inside laughing. Laughing at a small child who had to choose between two people she loved. Choosing wrong and then taking her world away from her.

I have my own room now =) I can paint it any color I want, I can hang a Dianna's room switch plate cover in it! I appreciate my room very much.

When things are taken from you, you tend to appreciate them when you get new!

Happy Tuesday!

Love,

Dianna

Today I Let You Go

For a very long time, I can't even recall the years, months or days that I have struggled with the whole concept "letting go."

People tend to over use that phrase a great deal, but I don't think most of them even gather what it is to let something go.

Maybe it's a petty argument that happened a long time ago. It crosses your mind and you find yourself mad about it all over again.

Maybe someone passed away that you loved dearly, maybe it was harsh words said to you, maybe an ex boyfriend or girlfriend didn't love you, maybe someone did a huge unjust to you.

It's easy for onlookers to say "let it go." I know for me I didn't understand the whole process of........ "let it go".

Sarah Mclachlan sung it best when she sung "I don't know how to let you go."

Struggling with this on many fronts, I have learned that you don't just up and say "So and so, I let you go", then like a scene from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind your memories are BLAMMO erased forever.

I have gained understanding, that it's such a gradual process, most of the time we don't even realize we are truly "letting go."

For me it was like looking at map, you start out to go somewhere far away. Starting point would be heartache, sadness, anger, longing for someone ....................The destination.......Letting Go.

It would be nice to be able to just log that information into Mapquest! Can you imagine a whole outlined map of letting go? They would tell you where to avoid traffic, which would be the best route to go and best of all they would give you a pretty good estimate of how long it will take you to get there!

If only life worked like that.

Sometimes you take such small steps it doesn't even look like you have left the starting point. Things come around to either take you back to the starting point, someone might say the wrong thing (or right thing) and guess what? You are back at your starting point again.

Really, you are not.

The best things sometimes happen the slowest. Sometimes you are missing a pivotal point that you have to go back to the beginning to get.

For me, I have been struggling so much with letting a few people go. God has clearly told me they are wrapped in red caution tape, let them go.

At first I wrestled with God, I didn't want to let them go. I stayed at my starting point. I didn't like it here, but moving past that starting point seemed too scary for me to do.

More tears, more sadness, more anger........ go back to the starting point.

Sometimes God would give me this tremendous amount of strength and courage and I would pull an all nighter driving towards that end point of letting go.

Getting out there and feeling how scary it is out there... I had to pull over on the side of the highway. Find a roadside motel and think for awhile on if I want to get to my destination or go back to that place I disliked so much? I would spend days stopped at that roadside motel pondering on if going back was the best way or keep on driving.

A few times I would turn around and start heading back to the starting point...Something would come over me and I would say "What are you doing? You didn't like it there. Turn around quickly and get right back on that road. You have traveled this road already, nothing good is on it. It leads to the same places." Finally!!! The uncomfortable feeling of not knowing what was at the end felt better than going back to a beginning I never wanted in the first place.

This morning I pulled over on the proverbial side of the road and looked at the map. I'm almost to my destination. I have just about fully let go.

The road getting to "letting go" has been difficult. If I had a map key to mark off all the places I stopped to cry, all the times I went back and then turned around. The times when I just stopped.

I will tell you a certain freedom comes from letting go. A peace comes from reaching your destination.

That is my lesson I have learned in letting go........You don't just do it. You go down a road plagued with tears, heartache, hurt feelings, words swirling around in your head, memories passing by as if you were watching a movie.

But in reliving each one, in hearing each word, the hurt re-opening again and again. Let the words come, let the hurt come. Feel it. Let it have it's moments so you can understand why you were not meant to be in the starting point in the first place.

Freedom in letting go.

Have a wonderful day.

Love,

Dianna

Saturday

Sorry for the lack of updates, been playing catch up after being off so long with pneumonia.

I'm tired.

Been a little depressed as of late.

Meditated a lot on the bible verse John 11:10 It is when he walks by night that he stumbles, for he has no light.

I feel like I am stuck in the dark right now.

In the past few months I have drifted out of the dark and into the light and the light feels sooooooo good.......but the dark is where I'm comfortable.

In the dark lies the past, lies stuff I hide, lies exhaustion.

I'm tired of being in the dark, but not sure how to get into the light.

I try, but fear keeps me over in the dark. I can't see my way out of it, because I can't in any fashion envision myself living in the light. Seems like too much bad would come and too much fear of the unknown.

It's even sadder because I'm not the one doing the stuff to keep me over in the dark. It's nothing I have control over and obviously wishing in that department doesn't work.

I'm just tired. Running away from things doesn't work. Hiding over in my dark corner doesn't work. There is no gray area. You are either in the dark or in the light. You can't be half in the dark, you can't be half in the light.

Stinks. Sigh.

Aside from that It's hot here. The heat is unbearable. My breathing is still not right and the air outside makes me cough and feel like I can't catch my breath.

I'll be glad when I get my lungs back.

Hurry fall and cool weather.

Love,

Dianna

Been awhile

Gonna sit down and update in just a bit!

It's Saturday YAY!!!

Just kinda updating. Early, I might add lol!

Doing and feeling a lot better than the other day.

Tears make everything better.

Lack of understanding of people, make it worse.

Had a stomach virus..... Ugh, arg and I felt puny -n- cranky. SUPRISE! My trademark is extreme cranky when I'm sick.

I cry so much before I get sick and then while. I'm not sure why I do that. Mom said I've always done that. /shrug.

I'm going to buy me hand sanitizer to wear around my neck.

Too bad it doesn't come in flea collar form, I would so buy one!

Got to be up in IN in a few minutes, so I guess I had better get dressed and fix my hair.

My mom did ALL my laundry and cleaned my house for me.

YAY! She's so sweet.

<3 Dianna

Time, Time, Time............

Time is a funny thing. Funny how one minute you can be on top the world, time happens and twenty-four hours pass and you wonder how you went from being on top of the world, to being at the bottom of it.

Ten seconds pass and something happens in that to take you even further at the bottom of it.

For this trip back to the top, I need new shoes.

My feet hurt, my heart is just in a million different pieces.

I feel bad for God because he binds it up and knowing the pain, it took Him a long, long time. He has to go searching for all the pieces to put it back together again.

Sometimes I wonder if He ever gets tired of putting my heart back together.

It hurts sooooooooo bad that when I breathe in, it hurts.

I'm tired.

I wish I could go back to Sunday.

Satans laying it on thick today, but he doesn't realize that it doesn't pull me from God. It pushes me to Him.

He is the only man who has NEVER hurt me. It's been hard even trusting Him because men do and have done such awful things to me.

That is why I love Him so much. He's the one man who will never hurt me.

He won't ignore me, He won't do bad things to me, He won't say bad words to me, He won't tell me I'm this awful person, He won't take jabs at my weight, He won't break my arm because I want a real Christmas tree, He won't tell me He's going to murder me, He won't punch me in my back beacuse I'm crying, He won't throw me on the floor if I want a hug, He won't make me lock myself in a bathroom and cry because evils on the other side of the door, He won't forget to call me, He won't pretend I don't exist, He won't come into my room at 4 in the morning and tell me I'm these awful things, He won't smack me in the face with a shoe, He won't die and leave me on this earth alone, He won't tear up all my things because I didn't cook dinner, He won't be mean to my children, He won't take my things and pawn them, He won't get on my case because I'm scared, He won't stop loving me, He won't betray me, He won't care if I'm moody because I'm sick, He won't play games with my mind so I can be knocked lower.

I sleep with my bible at night. Tucked in my arms like a security blanket.

It's the truth (what's in the bible) and in it all He wants to do is love me.

Time.........I can't wait til I get to be with Him forever.

I hate it here.

Love,

Dianna

My lesson in Gardening =)

As most of you know from my blogging, I only recently started gardening. I have always killed everything I owned and this year was able to start growing stuff and find it fascinating.

I think God purposefully put gardening into my life to teach me what he wants me to learn. I'm not one of those people who can read stuff and get it. I have to be shown and "get it".

So gardening coming into my life was no accident. None. I was just smiling so big this morning to the point of tears over what God taught me last night. My heart fluttered because I love Him so much. I am amazed beyond belief at what He goes through to make me understand and make me get it. I absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Him.

Of course I'm going to share the lesson I learned with you. It's a wee bit embarrassing, but the lesson was SOOOOOOOO wonderful. I have to share.

Elmer had sent me Tutti Frutti Lupine seeds. I planted them all and knew exactly where I planted them. A hail storm came and some of the seeds had got knocked out of place, but I shoved them back in the ground. I knew where these seeds were.

I KNEW............

The lupines started sprouting in the places I had put them. I put them in a semi circle around my caterpillar. I would go out there talk to them, love on them. Feed them!

There was this one lupine that was doing better than ALL of the others. He was HUGE. Oh my goodness I LOVED this lupine.

I would keep the bugs off him, give him food, water, love. I took pics of him to show off to everyone, because I was proud it was growing so big!

He started sprouting little buds and my heart swelled with joy. My lupine was budding!!

Mike came over and said "That's a weed, you need to pull it" I said "Mike that's not a weed, I planted a seed there. I don't just think it's a lupine, I KNOW it's a lupine" He said "Okay, it's a very pretty weed then!"

So......time goes on and my lil lupine gets it's lil lupiney shaped buds on it. Pic below.



I texted Elmer so happy it wasn't a weed! I had told him what Mike said and was so relieved it was getting it's lupiney shaped flowers! I texted him almost all day "It's not a weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed!" I was so happy you have no idea.

I went out every night watered it. Talked to it. I loved on that lupine so much. I took fantastic care of this plant. I loved it!

Well, Sunday before my baptism, Tyler was out in my front yard and he said "um, mom, that's a weed" I said "Tyler it's not a weed, I planted a seed there, marked it. It's a lupine. See the buds on it."

He said "Mom it's a weed, but okay."

I thought...........What's with all these people saying my flower is a weed? I was a little hurt.

After all, I KNEW it was a lupine. I planted the seed in that spot, marked it. I knew what it was.

Last night I was letting the dogs out and a plant catches my eye. I heard God clearly say "Go look at it, closer."

I go over and my heart sank because it was the SAME plant I was nuturing, loving, watering in the front yard. I planted nothing in the back yard.

It was a WEED! So, I kinda giggle a bit and say to God "I feel so silly because I was pouring all that love into a weed!"

God says then "Go pull it" I say to God "Well there's still a chance it's a lupine right?"

Again he says "Dianna, go pull the weed."

I go outside, hold my breath and pull the weed. Underneath the weed was my lupine seedling.

Very, very, very tiny. Not big like the others I had planted.

And you know what God said? "He couldn't grow, because the weed was blocking the light. The weed was taking everything from the lupine. You didn't notice it, because the weed overshadowed it."

I was like..........wow. Then it sunk in and God said to me clearly. "Tell me what you just learned"

I said to God "That sometimes weeds creep up into life. You feed them, you water them, you love them. People come by and tell you it's a weed, because you are so focused on thinking something is something it's not. You don't listen to them. They tell you again and again it's a weed, but your heart hopes that it's not a weed. That it's this beautiful flower. The weed blocked the light from the flower, took everything it needed to bloom and grow big and strong. The weed kept the flower from being this beautiful flower. But if you pull the weed, throw it in the trash, the light reaches the flower and it can grow."

He said "Tell me again"

Second time telling Him. I got what he needed for me to learn. =)

I love Him. I LOVE HIM.

Apply it to people and you will see the lesson I learned.

Oh, how I incredibly love Him.

Funny what a huge lesson I learned from weeds.

God is the best gift I have ever receieved in my life.

Amazed at what he taught me.

=)

Pull the weeds people, so the light can reach you.

Without the light, you can't grow.

Love,

Dianna

Baptism Sunday!

I will be sharing my testimony at the end of my bloggety blog entry for anyone who wishes to read it.

I got baptized this morning and I can truly say it was one of the THE BEST days of my life.

My children's births were at the top of my days and now in the ranks... the day I was born again. The day my new life started.

I was so scared this morning. I didn't sleep much last night out of nervousness and fear.........Now, I'm sad it's already over.

It was such a major event in my life. Sharing publicly what God did for me, sharing what He does for me now. Sharing how He found me. Sharing how much I love Him.

Everyone kept telling me, I will be up there with lots of others, because usually 2 or 3 get baptized at every service on baptism Sunday......Well, imagine my suprise when I get there and Mike tells me........"You're it today." My heart sank and I became so scared.

Mike and my Aunt Carol were an answer to prayers. Chad (the man who does the baptizing), Mike and myself all prayed before the actual service started. When I was putting on my baptismal robe and came out, I started bawling. I was shaking and so scared. Carol and Mike prayed with me for a few seconds as I cried, before entering back into the sanctuary.

That touched my heart so much.

Chad told me I could remain seated while my testimony was being read, so I wouldn't have to be in the spotlight too long. So, I sat there and right as I was going up on stage the fear was GONE!

They said I may or may not feel differently for awhile after being baptized, but I tell you what. I did. I felt lighter. I felt so light inside like every burden I had carried were lifted off of me.

So many people showed up to celebrate with me and I was touched beyond words at the love I was shown by so many today.

I am so lucky. God has given me so many wonderful people in my life. So much more of a life than I deserve He gave me.

I am so in love with God. Absolutely, totally in love with Him.

He is the greatest gift in the world! =)

Thanks to everyone for making my day so very special.

I have so many new brothers and sisters in Christ =) I will spend the rest of my human life and eternal life with all of them.

Thanks to God =)

Here's my testimony. Love to all!

I have grown up fortunate enough to have four walls always surrounding me, but inside I have never felt like I was home. Over the years, I often told other people that “I always feel like I want to go home, but my body doesn’t know where that is.”

Before I came to know God, my life was about trying to be accepted by others - attaching labels to myself about whom they thought I was. Anger and sin took over. The more things I did to make myself accepted, the more I disliked myself. To escape, I became addicted to video games. Even though video games helped me run from other people, I quickly learned I couldn’t run from myself and my sin. I was becoming who they said I was: frustrating, angry, bad, bitter. I continued to believe that if I just had someone who loved me, I would feel at home. What I didn’t realize was that I did have someone who loved me. I was lost, but God knew right where I was.

Discouraged and defeated, I retreated to my bed. My life became a pattern of: Cry, eat, take the kids to school, get back in bed, cry, sleep, cry. I heard a clock ticking next to my bed and would just listen to it. It reminded me that time was marching on as I was just laying there. I didn’t realize it then, but now I know that my old life was dying.

I cried out to Him, “Is my life a joke to you God?!” I went into my son’s room, got his Bible and started reading Psalms. Tears rolled from my eyes and sprinkled the pages as I read them. I felt David’s pain and anguish. I felt like him – forgotten and lonely. I got down on my knees and prayed to God. I begged Him for forgiveness for everything I had done and asked him to save me from myself. I heard his voice clearly and he said “How long are you going to keep doing this to yourself? Give it all to me, let me fix it.” I surrendered. In that moment I started to experience love I had never known before.

One step at a time, he showed me how to trust Him. One of those first steps was finding a church. During the Sojourn service on Easter Sunday this year, though I had heard the crucifixion story many times, it was as if I were hearing it for the first time. God had taken the blinders off. I got it. Through Christ we are forgiven. Through Christ we can come directly to God. Through Christ we can now know God. Though none of us deserve any of it, He loves us so much that He died in our place to make us right with Him. That is His grace.

Ezekial 11:19 says, “And I will give them one heart, and put a new spirit within them. And I will take the heart of stone out of their flesh and give them a heart of flesh.”

That is the only way I can explain what happened to me that day. He changed me. He took away my heart of stone and put a new spirit in me.

God started changing things one at a time. I gave him the video games and he gave me a life that I never thought was possible. Every day I wake up wanting to learn more about Him and wanting to find ways to serve Him and make him proud of me. He has surrounded me with wonderful God-loving people. I am overwhelmed when I hear testimonies of how God saved them and thinking “He did that for me too!” There have been mountains in my life that have seemed impossible, but now I know with God ALL things are possible. I want to shout it to the world: “God found me! He saved me!”

Sometime during my final few days of lying in bed crying, the clock on the wall stopped ticking. I’m not going to replace the battery in it. I’m going to keep it at 4:55 as long as I live. Sometime during those 3 days my old self died and my sin was taken away. A new spirit was put in me and I was given a life in God.

I’m no longer who others say I am. I am who He says I am. I am loved. I am His. I am forgiven. I have finally found my home. I found my home in God.


~Dianna

Tired

Sigh. I haven't had a day like today in a very long time.

I'm tired.

I'm angry.

I'm just everything not good this week. I don't know what happened, I don't know if being sick took it's toll. I don't know if all the lying from people has just kicked my butt.

So many people have disappointed me this week. I get sad thinking.....Is everyone like this?

The air conditioning guy ........Dear Lord in heaven. I can't keep up with the fibs, white lies, tall tales he has told us this week. It's draining. I just want it DONE. Every day another lie as to why it's not done, another excuse, another reason. It's exhausting every day waiting around for him and then every day getting call after call as to why he's not here. When he gets here, he comes to the door, says he has to go do something else and leaves. What was supposed to take 2 days is almost to 7 and nothing.

The dogs got sick all over the carpet. I couldn't clean it all up, so I had to rent a carpet cleaner and spent the whole day cleaning carpets and disinfecting. I felt so weak and tired. On the fourth room, I felt like I was going to pass out. I had to keep going, because there's just me.

Was talking to my mom today and why just can't something go easy? Why is everything so difficult? My whole life has been like that and I'm starting to accept the fact that if I think it's ever going to be different......... I'm wrong.

I have to get used to and accept something I can't stand.

I'm tired of bad luck. My heart has been so broken, so many times I don't even know if I can feel anymore. I don't know what I feel other than very empty.

This week, I have just felt numb. Like a part of me is gone and I can't find her.

So many people emotionally suck everything I have out of me. I just wish they would leave me alone.

Well, I wish I had something more positive to write. It's a bad season for me.

Pray for me and pray that the AC guy shows up and finishes CORRECTLY. If he doesn't my mom will number 8 no bun him. She's tired of the run around herself.

It's exhausting.

Love,

Dianna

Happy Saturday!!

Hallllllllooooo =)
Feeling much, much, MUCH better!!

Been a very long week!!

Ready to get back to my normal life!

Thanks for all the prayers and all the sweet stuff you guys have done for me!

Have a fantastic holiday weekend!

I can't wait til Sunday!! I have to watch fireworks from inside, because of the smoke and my lungs not being normal yet........but, at least I can go =)

Enjoy your weekend!

Love,

Dianna

Seeing IS believing!!

A follow up to what I had written yesterday about God and not feeling His presence til this weekend. His absence for a couple of weeks.

I was lonely and prayed and as much as I hate to admit this, I prayed to God that "I wish I had someone to talk to" He said "me" and I said "I know, I mean I wish I had a human person to talk to, too"(that's awful I know =() and he again said "me"..........I said, "Yea, I know, but it's different because I can't see you." I read the bible, John, about Lazarus and how He waited on purpose because He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead. He knows people need to see to believe. They saw Jesus raise Lazarus from the dead and they believed. They knew that Jesus was sent from God.

I had written early on in February about faith and how I struggle with it. It's hard to believe things that you can't see. I believe in God and love God, but where faith pertained in Him taking care of me.....My faith lacked.

Well.....He has shown me. I can see His loving hand all around me!

First on Monday a tree nearly 2 feet from my bedroom fell. I have pics below, it's base stood taller than my daughter. It's a huge tree and wiped the back part off the 3rd house down. Good news, it fell to the right!! If it had falled to the left.....it not only would've destroyed my house, but if I had been in my bedroom, I would've been hurt very seriously or killed.

Above is the tree at the yard it was in. The people in the 3rd house where you see the blue tarp had to move out because the back wall of the house was severely damaged. They already cut away that part of the tree. I can't see any damage to the house next door, because it's leafy back there and they have the front roped off with do not enter tape.
Below is the base of the tree in proximity to my bedroom. That wall is my room.

The fence is where the tree was, right up against it.

Next the whole air conditioning incident where Anthony and the dogs sat in the house for 24 hours or more no air conditioning, no windows open. He thought the air was on.... I came home, Opie was near a heat stroke. He was foaming at the mouth, wouldn't move. Took 5 hours to get the house cool and he got up and moved around. Was wobbly for a couple of days, but no worse for the wear. Anthony himself could've gotten sick himself.

Savannah had a cold with a bit of a cough......being around her, I in turn get it. Of course it turned into double pnemonia, which I have never had. I had problems with the medicines and finally today the insurance companies got everything worked out and I got my meds!! I'm feeling weak but better. God is with me.

And lastly.........Last night I kept smelling something funky. I had no clue what it was. I looked but couldn't find it anywhere. I had been sleeping on the couch since I can't lay flat from coughing......Well, this morning I got all my stuff moved back into my room and turn on the light.....what do I find?

The plug to the clock had caught on fire. The fan plug had smoke damage, but that plug was melted and crispy. How the fire started. No clue. How the fire was put out, no clue. It went to the left, which makes me happy because had it gone to the right those curtains would've gone up in flames. I could've lost my house, my life, my pets.......

The good news in all these instances....I got a good dose of oh my gosh, that could've killed me. But IT DIDN'T. God just gave me all the proof I need that I don't have to see Him to know that He is indeed all around me.


He's protecting me. He's protecting my house and my family.

That boosted my faith incredibly.

I love God so incredibly much and that love went much deeper seeing how much He loves me that He stopped what could have happened.

My goodness, His love amazes me.

=)

Thanking God for what He has shown me!!

Happy Monday!

Love,

Dianna

Butterflies and Daisies

During the past couple of weeks, I haven't felt like God has been with me much. Maybe that wasn't anything on his part. I'm thinking it was more on mine. I became so busy, I just didn't have a lot of time to stop and give God some attention.

I missed him SOOOOOOOO much.

When I planted my yard and when talking to Elmer (who has furnished my whole garden), I told him about two things. I wanted butterflies and I wanted daisies.

A daisy is the most beautiful flower on this earth and it always seems as if it's smiling and happy. I just love them. I'd rather have a single daisy over a rose at any time.

Butterflies I just love and I compare myself to them. Emerging from a cocoon to something absolutely beautiful. A journey that I myself am taking.

All yesterday and last night I was extremely sick and lonely. I wept to God for awhile and we talked about so much. I was sad and told him I didn't feel him and I would just take faith that he was there. Last night when I was in so much pain with my stomach and my body, I heard him. It had been the first time I actually heard what I knew was Him in awhile.

I was so happy He was back. So happy He was with me.

I had a rough morning, getting my new meds, just hectic and crazy and I was sad. I was driving home from Walgreens and pulled up and I saw two things immediately. Two butterflies and daisies =)

God was with me. That was a gift to me. I cried and cried. My first daisy, my first butterflies........Same moment.

I couldn't be happier if someone handed me a thousand dollars.

Here are pics of my gifts today.

Thank God for butterflies and daisies.

I love him so much.

Plenty of time for blogging

Since I'm under strict orders from the Dr.

I'm not one to sit. I'm not one to "rest", so this is proving very difficult for me.

When I sat playing video games at least I was doing something productive (in the game, like getting better gear or leveling). Watching TV to me doesn't seem productive. I wanna read, but my vision is blurry.

I am feeling very weak still and having some struggles breathing. Breathing hurts at points. I've never had pnemonia, so this is all new to me.

My dogs are glad I'm finally home. They keep taking my spot on the couch when I get up to do stuff.

Keep praying for me.

Love,

Dianna

=(

i hate being sick.

have double pnemonia.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

pray for me =(

Halloooooo

On a hot Wednesday! I'm in a lot better spirits than the other day. However, I'm still not allowing myself to be walked on.

Sometimes I just think.....what was I thinking?

Mondays bible study was on binding up and healing the broken hearted (God). It was a very good video and very good discussion and I got a lot of helpful insight about why I let people, men in particular, do those things.

I'm sooooooo glad I'm unlearning that behavior and I'm learning how things are done correctly, I'm not even the least bit attracted to anyone I dated. It was so confusing, but the reasons were given as to why we chose the ones we do.

They nailed that pattern on the head and almost everything applied to me. I wasted so much time and energy. I get mad at myself sometimes for doing that. To think of all the time I wasted kills me, but I can't dwell on it.

Mistakes are mistakes. I learned valuable lessons in the process and maybe that's what God intended. I wish I would've known all this stuff back when I was younger.

I can't make myself love anyone, I can't make myself like anyone, I can't fix anyone, I can't make people do the right thing, I can't change anyone, nor can I save anyone.

Just learning that took a ton of pressure off. For years I have tried to make myself like/love people and felt extreme guilt because I didn't.

I was thinking about a recent relationship and mulling it over with God, he said so clearly and loudly.......

"You can't possibly believe that this is what I intended for you"

Took a bit to sink in and realize......It's not what he intended for me.

And for once, it's OKAY =)

It's not something I deep within my heart wanted for myself anyways.

Okay, heading out the door.

Love you guys!!

Dianna

Pull Ease Leaf Mia Lone

I don't have time for mindless games people play. Not even a little. I'm way too busy to be lost in thought all day trying to figure out why someone did this or that.

I'm tired of being a personal doormat for people. Before I chose to be there. Now. No.

As I grow up, I realize how certain people are still stuck in the high school games and just immature crap.

I fully see that hurting people in turn hurt others.

Guess what??????? If you choose to deliberately hurt me, make me jealous or just be mean.......You are going to find yourself not talking to me.

I said it a few times last night to a few different people. Leave me alone.

The red carpet I have laid out for so many people........Gone.

I can 't be anyone to the important people in my life, if I have to keep letting the emotional vampires in life suck the life all out of me.

So........ I'm not letting anyone. It's done.

If you want to hear from me and be in my life, then you will treat me with respect.

If you find yourself not hearing from me....stop playing pathetic games.

It's nice to know no one has control over me anymore in that aspect. If someone doesn't want to talk to me because I won't play their game.....Guess what???

I don't care! The end!

I only have to answer to God and no one else.

Fed up to my eyes with games and those who play them.

=)

Happy Monday.

Love,

Dianna

It's Thursday!! YAY!!!

We are having our big family reunion this weekend and I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited =D!!! I can't wait to see all of my family!

Yesterday evening was fantastic! =)

This morning already has been fantastic!! I just got out of the shower. Mike emailed me and said he's working ALLLL day at the gym! So......I'm heading over to spend some time at the gym and visiting with him!!

Then I gotta clean moms and pool time and this evening =D YAY!!!

Tomorrow it's coffee day with my beautiful friends in Community Group!

Busy, busy, busy and sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo in love with life!!

Hope everyone has a fantastic Thursday!! =D

The sun is definitely shining!

Love,

Dianna